...to think I shouldn´t be the one that always pays...

(33 Posts)
peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:14:44

I meet with a friend every week and 9 times out of 10 I end up paying the bill for our coffee or whatever we have had.
I don´t think it´s because she is skint or anything like that and it´s not like she even acknowledges it.
Despite me paying last week I ended up paying again today, even though I hung on hoping she would do the honours.
I don´t have many friends where I live and apart from this I like her a lot but I am starting to feel like a mug and it´s not a good feeling.

Catsdontcare Wed 27-Feb-13 16:16:21

I had a similar situation, I started getting there earlier and buying my own before she arrived.

Well, if you bother to go out with her again when it comes to paying just say "it's your turn this week, I always pay"

Be assertive smile

Keepsmilingsunshine Wed 27-Feb-13 16:19:42

I agree with Betty, not always easy but be assertive! Or if you don't feel like you can be so upfront, offer to split the bill. She'll soon get the hint!

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:20:15

Good idea Cats grin

Betty - I really do need to be assertive, don´t I grin

Why do people do this...???

erowid Wed 27-Feb-13 16:21:32

Or as you're walking into the cafe give her your order and say "I'll go find us a seat" then go to sit down so she goes to the counter and pays.

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:23:30

Another good tip erowid, thanks

I am hopelessly unassertive and I suppose people soon pick up on it

TheMaskedHorror Wed 27-Feb-13 16:25:14

Oh I had a friend like that. I just always seemed to be paying for coffees and snacks.
Once we went to the cinema and she was first at the kiosk. I took my card out to wait my turn and I just assumed we were paying for our own and she turned around to me and said 'Ohhh you're so kind! I wasn't expecting y ou to pay but thanks so much'. I was so confused that I ended up paying!

I just got fed up and next time she mentioned going out I just said 'oh your treat this time?'
Now I dont see much of her.

I don't believe they're innocent. They do it intentionally. People who are genuinely skint are usually very apologetic and usually let you know beforehand.

PopeBenedictsP45 Wed 27-Feb-13 16:34:23

Take a packed lunch next time and unpack it sadly while saying that you've spent all your money on her and now have none left for fripperies like meals out.

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:34:54

The MaskedHorror - I totally agree. It is so annoying especially when you know you wouldn´t do it yourself. My memory is bad but I would know when it was my "turn", especially when it´s on a weekly basis. Grrr

Ironically, today I really was a little short of cash and mentioned it in passing and even that didn´t make any difference (sigh...)

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:37:14

PopeBenedictsP45 - In another life I would do exactly that grin!

ElliesWellies Wed 27-Feb-13 16:38:07

I'd just take cash and put down enough to pay for your own.

Enough is enough.

Pandemoniaa Wed 27-Feb-13 16:38:13

YANBU. I go for a most therapeutic coffee every week with a small group of friends. We've always paid for ourselves because it's fairer and much easier than trying to remember whose turn it is. So I think you need to establish ground rules like this yourself. Otherwise you'll always pay up. It's not a question of whether you can afford to either, it's just plain wrong to be expected to.

PopeBenedictsP45 Wed 27-Feb-13 16:39:39

Yes, do what ElliesWellies said, that's a good suggestion. And do it every time!

umiaisha Wed 27-Feb-13 16:43:27

Can't stand freeloaders like this.

I would struggle to be polite and maintain a friendship like this.

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:44:03

Thanks everybody.

JohnSnowsTie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:46:58

I had a friend like that.

We once made the mistake of discussing salaries, and when she realised I earned a pittance more than her per year she made sure she got her share of it by always pleading poverty whenever the bill turned up!

Still, lesson learned...

znaika Wed 27-Feb-13 16:48:57

great name pope benedict

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 16:51:34

It´s frustrating as I do enjoy her company but then I start to think if she can take the mick like this she´s not a true friend sad

I just don´t get why people do this hmm

I live abroad and am very short of friends

PopeBenedictsP45 Wed 27-Feb-13 17:10:12

thanks Znaika smile

I live abroad too, peter and am also a bit short of friends so I feel your pain.

meddie Wed 27-Feb-13 17:14:16

She does it because you allow her too. Just sit down and breezily announce. "I think its your turn to pay this week"

How is she managing to get you to pay. Does she get you to go up and order so you have to pay then? In that case as you sit down just say. "Oh the coffee was £2:50 by the way. Do you want to pay now or would it be easier for you to pay for both next week?"

Does she plead poverty when the bill comes? doesnt have change? then get there early and just buy your own. The onus is then on her to get up and get hers and pay for it.

TheMaskedHorror Wed 27-Feb-13 17:42:36

Or just say 'yours is £2.50 and wait for her to give you the money before you order or pay'

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 17:45:35

I have/had a friend like that...irony is that she's loaded.

I just can;t work out WHY people do it. It's so rude!

Forget your purse next time.

StuntGirl Wed 27-Feb-13 17:48:40

Next time say "I think it's your turn to pay this week. I'll have a [insert order here]" and smile.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 27-Feb-13 18:27:07

Well, you may be unassertive but your friend is unbelievably thick skinned and rude! My friends and I always take turns and are always aware of whose turn it is. Definitely don't put up with this anymore.

TheMaskedHorror Wed 27-Feb-13 18:28:37

Er you dont need to say that whole thing on my previous post. don't know why the apostrophe, which was meant to be a speech mark, is right at the end.

Another suggestion is to say breezily (of course) "Would you mind getting these today? I'll have a large latte with an extra fat slice of chocolate cake. Thanks!"

theoriginalandbestrookie Wed 27-Feb-13 18:31:32

Look she may be tight or thick skinned, but the third option is that she genuinely hasn't noticed.

Either suggest she pays next time as its her turn, or if you don't want to be so assertive, then say that you're a bit skint and going forward can you each get your own.

carabos Wed 27-Feb-13 18:33:16

I'm like MrsMushroom in that my freeloading friend is loaded. Despite years of crying on my shoulder over her divorce and her out of control DS and me putting her into not one but two high paying jobs and giving her business advice, she has never bought me so much as a cup of tea. I always pay.

I'm wise to it now and don't see her under any circs other than at her house grin.

theoriginalandbestrookie Wed 27-Feb-13 18:37:47

I don't get it though carabos. I wouldn't be friends at all with a person that was deliberately tight. It would fester away inside and I would just rather spend time with folks who do pay their way rather than engineering meetings so that they don't involve spending money.

Lavenderhoney Wed 27-Feb-13 18:40:12

How does she manage not to pay? Is it table service and you pay at the end? Which means you are also tipping for her - Or do you stand at the counter and the server says " together?" and you say yes?

For future yes get there a bit early and pay for yourself or tell the waitress to bring your bill at once.

Next time though, when it's pay time push the bill at her and say " it's your turn!"

Do you do most of the talking? That's a lot of times to be messed about with paying. It's not about who has more money etc - if she says she can't afford it then say oh gosh then eats just go for a nice walk next time. You don't have to have coffee or treat her. Surely there are other people where you live?

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 18:47:50

Carabos I think loaded people are "good" at not spending ANY money when they can get away with it.

Hence the richest woman I know...her DC's shoes are always barely waterproof...she never buys what she can get for free.

She owns three homes and a successful business...wonder why?

peterpie Wed 27-Feb-13 19:03:17

Let me clarify, where we live it´s all table service so you order then get up and pay at the end. Most of the time she says she has no cash hmm or she makes herself "busy" with her child...At first I didn´t think too much of it, I assumed she would start to pay subsequent weeks, guess I am more stupid than I thought.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice, I´ll be ready next time!!

Lavenderhoney Thu 28-Feb-13 04:37:39

I see- then at the start, ask for separate bills. When the order or orders are taken, say oh please could you give us separate bills?
If she says she has no cash, then I guess depending on how much you like her, ou can stump up one last time. Or just say best leave it today then.

No one goes out without cash to a planned coffee! And she could always suggest a mini picnic and walk in the park instead when you arrange.

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