Mumsnet Talk

How do you not let it crush you?

I've been working from home for the last three months after not being in a paid job for 14 years, I had the first feedback from them today and it's not good at all, but I thought it was going alright and I'm struggling to get my head round it.

There have been similar things at other times in my life as well, like I thought a relationship/friendship was going well only to find out I must have misread or misunderstood what I thought were the indicators that everything was fine.

I wonder if I generally just don't 'get it' (whatever 'it' is) and have to accept it's always going to be a mystery and should carry on trying to avoid stuff so I don't get in these situations because it makes me feel like such a failure and I can't cope, especially when I think I might get the boot at work and totally let DH/DDs down.

It would be unreasonable to deal with it in a gin/blubbing heap/self-pity fest way, tempting as it is, at work they're looking at it again in just over a week, how do I carry on working in the meantime?

Meant to say that I've got MH problems which limits what jobs I can do, if I lose this job I'm right royally fucked.

I know that feeling, write everything down take away the emotion and check are you fulfilling their briefs ect.

Try not to let it get to you, remember it can't be bad all the time and it will change at some point something good will happen and change your luck

Hugs

I know that feeling, too. I sympathize with you. That feeling of just not "getting it" when everyone else seems in on the secret is maddening. And, yeah, I've been shocked to find out that what I thought was fine was not at all fine in someone else's eyes.

I have no real advice, but just sympathy!

I recently realised my strengths lie in details but that I am very bad at seeing the big picture - could it be a mismatch like that?

AgentZigzag - maybe the person giving you feedback was a bit of an arse. I've had this - so have most people in the workplace. Maybe you should look very carefully at exactly what has been said. When I was supervising staff I always found postive thing to say about people's work, this really helped people to bandand work as a team. They may havebeen having a bad day, or just be a bit tactless. Can you ask them for a bit of support. I think its brilliant that in such difficult times you have managed to get work. Please try and stay strong.

Bandand bond and, see attention to detail ain't my strong point

Yes I have had this happen to me too. I have found that it is usually someone else externalizing their own problems onto me, but it's very hard to deal with. Please keep your chin up and ask for more detailed and itemized feedback.

Really sorry to read this. Every training course I have ever been on has stressed that negative feedback should be balanced by positive feedback (not least to limit demoralisation) but that negative feedback also needs to be specific. Getting poor feedback but not being given clear, structured information on what they would like you to do differently is not ok. Do you feel able to go back to them for more/better information? It might work in your favour if you are seen as being proactive.

One piece of piece of negative feedback does NOT make you a failure.
Every time you stick your neck out it will have consequences mostly people just won't give a shit, sometimes they'll complain and when pigs fly they even praise a good job!

Unless you were getting regular consistent bad feedback and showing no signs of trying to improve your unlikely to lose your job.

Without letting it destroy your confidence, ask yourself honestly, can you see where they were coming from? If yes, deal with it, If not, they may well just be being an arse

Your loved ones will not be disappointed in you because one customer got the hump, they'll be proud of you for dealing with your issues and getting yourself this job.

Its not easy clawing your way back Into world of work after mh problems.

Well done!

Ok I misread that. The feed back was from the company.

everything still stands, manager may have been having a bad day and you won't get fired for one lot of bad feedback.

If you honestly don't get where they're coming from you need to contact them and say something like

I was surprised to receive this feedback could you be more specific about what worked and what didn't so that I know how to improve my work.

Also zigzag, is it possible that the feedback isn't meant as negatively as your taking it

Thanks for your posts and suggestions.

It's an unusual set up and they're a bit distant, they've told me how crap I am but haven't given me the promised feedback on why yet, which has left me floundering a bit.

I don't want to shift responsibility for it on to them, but realistically some is down to them due to how it works.

I've not long had the first pay packet, and being able to replace the fucked washing machine and buy DDs some clothes gave me something I haven't had before. I usually avoid avoid avoid and switch something off in my head, but I can't because I've got to carry on with this one. I'm struggling.

There's no getting away from the fact that my self esteem has been worn away so much it's only eggshell thick now, any criticism just breaks me.

It's possible I might be taking it too much to heart, they haven't booted me yet have they? But I just can't live with the judgement from them, it sounds like the start of the pity fest, but it confirms what I think of myself.

It's ok to struggle sometimes, we all do. It doesn't mean you can't do it.

The company doesn't sound very organised how do they expect you to do better in future if they haven't explained what's wrong

Was their initial brief this clear, could that account for their response?

it must be a great feeling, having earned the money for dds clothes and the new washing machine

It's very possible your taking something fairly innocuous to be a much bigger deal than it was meant as. Very hard for me to judge from here but if you already have confidence issues it's highly likely.

Your whole self does not rest on success in this job. You dh and kids will still love you even if this job is just not suitable.
You have done so well to get here, you have already breached the getting a job barrier and if you want to look for another one it will be a lot easier now you've got one.
Don't lose sight of the huge achievement getting back into employment is... After 14years ! Thats huge!

It's a bit crap of them to say "You've not do e very well" and you say "Which bit?" and get silence back. Very crap

But! All is not lost! As you don't know what it is yet it could very well be nothing. Perhaps there's an aspect if the work you're still being trained on? So the results are to be expected to be imperfect. Perhaps they werent clear about some aspect and you did g do it because it was t part of the job description? Perhaps you're not using the company font, and no one said you had to? Any number if easily explained and surmountable things. So don't panic!

"Something fairly innocuous" three little words instead of my paragraph

I once left a job after 5 days of abysmal failure.
It was a sales job, cold calling. I needed the money to pay rent. After 5, 5 hour shifts I just left. Not only was it bloody awful experience I did not make a single sale

Oh, how horrible.

If it's any comfort I think this is quite common - none of us can really judge how well we're doing. But some people are better at shrugging it off than others.

I don't know, but I think something that might help would be making a formal reply to the feedback, to say you've taken it on board and you want to do better - that way you can bring up anything you were surprised by and anything you don't think is right, but it will come across as you being keen to get it right.

But basically, you are optimistic and look for the positives and in life that is a very good quality to have, even if it's not fun for you now!

They don't sound at all supportive. OK, it may be that you have, perhaps, not quite "got" what they wanted you to deliver but for starters, you don't wait 3 months to tell someone they aren't doing the job properly. The idea of feedback is that the person receiving it can feel supported, not have their self-esteem destroyed. Have they offered any practical help or suggestions as to how you can turn this negative feedback around?

Spending money I'd earned by grafting was amazing, I know they'd love me regardless, but I hate myself for not having whatever it is that would bring financial rewards to all of us.

It takes some of the pressure of DH, and just getting small things for the DDs meant so much to me.

The work is relatively subjective in what I have to do, and with the feedback process seemingly a bit random, it's like having to follow rules but without anyone actually telling you what those rules are.

If you know you are very sensitive to criticism, you could be taking the limited feedback a bit too negatively. If they've said something like, 'we'll be talking to you about some areas for improvement', that could be the start of fairly positive dialogue/coaching, rather than them thinking you're rubbish!

It's taking an iron will to keep it together, but your posts are helping, thank you for taking the time to post.

Best of luck with it - you keep on keeping it together!

Could you push them for the feedback again? If if was promised last week then it's reasonable to ask/remind them on Tuesday.

Is it creative? So, no real numbers/average sales type thing?

An iron will you have got

There is so many positives to focus on, they are in no way diminished by some ill though out feedback

What are you going to get with you next pay packet? Have you something nice planned for yourself? I think you should

OP please tell us what this job is.
There are a lot of home-working scams about and I hope you have not been caught up in one.

I thought I'd give you a hug for getting a job and for making it through a shot day at work (everyone has shit days - even the fabled Xenia.)

Was all the feedback negative or was it just one small element? I know I have a terrible tendency to focus on one small criticism whilst simultaneously ignoring any compliments.

Try to not see negative feedback as a totally bad thing as you can make the necessary changes and still succeed in your job. Try to keep the lines of communication with your line manager open.

Good luck.

Even if you are maybe not right for this company, this job, it doesn't make you a failure- sometimes people just don't fit the specifics of what a certain company is looking for. It's never nice to get bad feedback, but don't feel too bad.

I have had moments like you mean though, like when I realised my SIL can't stand me, when I had always thought we got on Ok for people with not much in common. It is a shock, you feel like you were silly not to realise earlier. I guess it happens to us all sometimes.


Press again for specifics on what isn't working, three months isn't that long really. They may be able to improve their communication and you can change how you are doing things accordingly. Best of luck!

Can you be any more specific about the nature of the negativity? It's hard to make helpful suggestions otherwise.

I think you're taking it too much to heart Whoever you're working for doesn't sound very good if they can't offer proper feedback that shows you where they'd like improvement or changes. And the friendship/relationship issue happens to everyone: people break things off at seemingly arbitrary moments or for odd reasons. It's hard but it's the way of things. It's definitely happened to me and I was having a talk about it with someone else the other day who had recently experienced it.

I think because your self-esteem is feeling fragile at the moment things like these seem much larger than they actually are and like they're part of a horrible pattern, but they really aren't!

Everyone misreads relationships at some point in their life so I really wouldnt take that as an indicator of anything more sinister :-)

As for the work- is it purely a subjective evaluation or an objective one? Do you have targets? Are you hitting them?

I've had a couple of bad feedbacks that have stayed with me for years because of making me feel sick and also because I found them unfair (and I'm evaluated in detail by several people every 6 months so have had tonnes of feedback/evaluations but the bad ones always stick with me longer than the good ones).

Allow yourself to feel angry/disappointed/upset - have a good rant then turn the page. Ask for constructive feedback. Have you had the necessary training? Can they offer you more?

DB once worked for a cold calling company where the target was 5 sales per month.... And no one hit the target! Very demoralising but DB stuck with it until he found a new job and realised just how awful the last one had been - it wasnt that he was a bad salesman, just that the company and products were crap.

I'm sorry but I really can't say what it is, which sounds a bit furtive, but it's definitely not a scam and is relatively well paid for what work experience I've had i.e. zilch.

The feedback was a %, I've no idea how to take it at all, but you've said things that DH has also said and he knows the ins/outs of it.

Thing is, I have to take who I'm working for as they are because that's how they work. I'm so grateful for working this long given the alternatives and I enjoy the job, but as it goes with all jobs, it's worth so much more than just the employment and money.

Maybe you can just take it as a one time feedback and try to distance yourself and just go through your performance in your head again. Like you said they haven't booted you out so it could be just due to not working for a long time. Don't worry things will be alright soon. You can also set your objectives ahead of any new work and get yourself appraised against only those criteria so you know what to perform and their feedback is also objective.

Don't forget working for an organisation is a two way relationship. Their part of the deal is to make sure you have the knowledge, ability, and support you need; your part is to do the work to the best of your knowledge and understanding.

When you look back, can you see if they have failed to impart knowledge or support to you, or do you think the work is out of reach of your skill set?

Can you speak to someone at the company and tell them that you wish to improve the % over the next 4-6 weeks and you need some more information/support?

I do know the feeling and it@s rough

I@ve had very simialr at work myself and its knocked me so hard I am off sick on anti depressants

I would drink gin and cry tonight only

Tommorow ask for proper clarity
Mention you lack of proper brief

Dont let the bastards grind you down x

Can you talk to your MH worker about how this has affected your self esteem and your feelings surrounding that?

I remember having anxiety and depression problems years ago and getting into situations where I felt although I didn't know "the rules", that I was getting it wrong but as I didn't know the rules I was getting it wrong and...

It's a horrible situation to be in, and it can make things wind round and round which end up making you feel much worse.

{{unMumsnetty hugs}} to you for getting so far with this job and beginning to appreciate the rewards

Agent - just wanted to post some support, no advice but have found myself in very similar situation just now.

I have just sent you a PM - don't worry, I don't bite!!

In short - it's the old chiche with a twist - 'It's not you, it's them'!

No matter how well or not you have been doing, they have handled this terribly. They are failing, not you. I know that doesn't help you to hold onto the job if you aren't in a long term contract role (which I suspect is the case)... BUT don't let them grind you down in the process.

I know it's hard to find a job and especially is you have other restrictions (physically or mentally or not a lot of experience etc) but you got this one, you will get another one - OK!



Don't drink - it always seems like a good idea, but it never helps and often makes things worse.

OP, are you getting any support in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It may help if you find that setbacks really set you back too far. Like, if you take criticism a little too hard and interpret it in terms of "I'm a worthless loser who never knows what the Hell I'm supposed to be doing. I'm a freak and no wonder nobody likes me!" (to give a sort of generic example.) CBT trains us to catch those thoughts and nip them in the bud so that we aren't made miserable by them.

Thanks again for all the very wise advice, and the PM MyHead, I'm a little bit less dazed and gradually getting a grip and some perspective.

I dropped them an email earlier (ta for the suggestion LRD) but I don't think I'll get a reply very quickly or it be anything that'll answer what exactly they expect from me.

The positives are that they haven't dumped me as yet, so I'll worry about getting another job as and when. I have had three months of getting paid, which the alternatives of trying to get on with freelance work would have been impossible, plus I've got it on my CV now.

DH has reassured me that it'd be impossible for me to improve without them telling me what it is they want me to do exactly, so if they do let me go the blame wouldn't lay with me. Although I'm not totally sure of that, I feel better knowing he wouldn't think I'm a useless failure and it was all my fault. (not that I thought he'd think that, but, y'know, it goes through your mind).

I'm not having any psychiatric (or whatever it's called) treatment/support at the min, I haven't for quite a while, but I have found CBT helpful in the past. I was starting to have the same old destructive thoughts I used to have, but I don't want to get into all that shit again, the suggestions here are a great starting point to deal with it in a different, more constructive way.

Do they expect you to be fantastic when you're relatively new to it? I hate this type of behaviour, how awful for you. It doesn't sound like a very nice company to work for to be honest. If I were you I'd stick at it but look around for something else in the meantime. Treat it as a stepping stone back into work.

If it's any consolation I have just started a new job in a field I haven't worked in for 15 years. I feel like a twit most of the time at present but I know once I learn the ropes I won't. I just keep asking what their policy is on things etc. and address any glitches with positive questions.

AgentZig, you are AWESOME for getting on and doing this in spite of difficult circumstances. The feedback today might feel devastating but actually it's a small part of a bigger picture where you are doing brilliant things. Anytime you feel like this setback might knock you off course, just remember we are all rooting for you and whatever happens you've done well just by being brave and giving it a go. This company is damn lucky to have someone as bright and sparky and wise as you (long term lurker here, have read lots of your posts!) not to mention someone who cares so much about getting it right.

I really feel for you. Even a bit of poor feedback can be so upsetting and undermining, I am hugely over sensitive to criticism so know what you mean about it really getting to you. You are right though, they have kept you on and hopefully they will give you more specific feedback soon. Very unfair not to give you anything constructive to work on. Well done for keeping it together.

How are you doing this morning? Do you work everyday?

It is great that your DH has said that, it takes the pressure off you a bit doesn't it.

I'd still like to kick them for being such bastards - that is SO unprofessional & shit of them.

Still, keep your chin up and hang in there!

Hi MyHead, not doing to badly today thanks (and thanks for the far too generous post monkeym ) I've got on and done some work, which is what I was most worried about doing. I just did what I normally do and ignored the shitty bits and concentrated on trying to do the best work I can

I won't ignore the feedback, and there are some things I can look at again to try and improve (once they tell me which bits they're talking about), but I'll ignore the possible impending boot until it comes.

I have to do between a minimum and maximum of hours a week, and can fit them in whenever they're available, which means I can do all the things I'd normally do, very handy.

I've not heard back from the email I sent and the feedback still isn't there, but there isn't anything I can do but try and get the hours in, if my work is that crap it's up to them to stop me doing it!

Well done on the job Clipped, 15 years goes past in the blink of an eye doesn't it? I'm sure you don't look a twit at all.

Well done AgentZigzag - if they had major concerns they would be letting you know quickly, now you can get back to work (and we'll shout if your on here toomuch when you should be working)

Hi there, I was going to say try to turn this to your advantage by asking for a mentor and a detailed improvement plan ie: certain key things they want to see you achieve - that would take away any ambiguity and make you able to focus on what they think you need to improve on - but given your work situation it sounds like they would not be forthcoming with this sort of plan.

Very hard to do but try not to take it too personally - they are probably just looking at stats and figures and not seeing the person behind them.

Glad you are feeling a bit better today.

Sorry to hear about this.

Do bear in mind it may just be the person you are dealing with is just rubbish at this. My little sister is now a high-up and one of her great on-going managerial problems is how bad some of her team members are at appraisals and feedback. She has recently spent a lot of time having to sort out issues caused by exactly the kind of thing you're experiencing ("It's not good enough-no, I haven't got the time/guts/insight to tell you why, just get on with it" etc).

So while it is important to be able to take criticism, please don't take all of this on yourself unless and until someone comes along with a very well-argued and reasonable account of why you should.

This sounds a horrid situation, and leaving it 3 months to give you any feedback seems ridiculous - so all that while you were merrily doing your job, thinking all was well, when a little intervention earlier on could have prevented this bombshell.

I hope you get some response to your email so at least you can decide if you think the feedback is at all justified and if there's anything you can do about it . Otherwise, hang on in there and listen to all the wise people here who've said it's not you, it's them.

I'm taking on board what you're saying, them being distant is good in that I haven't got someone breathing down my neck, but it does make it difficult to judge what they're thinking, especially if some of it conflicts with other bits.

If it was someone saying it to me in RL Eldritch, I would probably argue the toss a bit more and not crumple in a heap like I did yesterday, but the amount of money coming into the house wouldn't depend on whether they were right or not. I'd love to just say 'Yeah? Fucking prove it'

Even thought I'd tried to prepare myself for it I was surprised there was such a physical reaction to the email, went really hot, then really cold, I was probably a bit out of it the rest of the day because of the adrenaline rush I had. Horrible.

I don't think monkey was being too nice. You've given me some excellent advice and much needed support before ( under a different name)

Glad your over the shock and getting your head round it all.

You're very kind Herrena, thank you

Still no feedback, but I have had an email from them and the person writing couldn't see any action being taken on my account so that was a good sign, it's possible they could take further action if I don't improve but there's nothing going on as yet

Stay of execution

I think they haven't given me specific feedback because I'm relatively new and they're waiting to reassess me again to see if I can improve before setting it in stone. A kind of readjustment period to see whether I can fall in line.

The main thing is that I've got to get my head round the possibility of not having a job at some point, and why should I be any different to anyone else in paid work? Especially these days when nobodys job's safe. It's a bit of a millstone round your neck but hopefully I can learn to ignore it a bit <yeah right>

Bollocks.

They've given me the push.

I'm trying not to take it personally and to start thinking about the practicalities of getting something else to pull in the cash.

They've still not said what it was I was doing that was wrong, which is a bit confusing, maybe because I had to be self-employed to do it lets them do things differently? Who knows?

I'm going to really miss it.

That's really crap.
Sorry.
Don't know about the legalities but you are entitled to a proper answer about why they have let you go.

I have every sympathy. This happens to me aswell, the totally not 'getting it'.
But please do not worry, think about all the fab things in your life,and remember that no matter how bad a thing feels, in a year, of 5 or so, its will be so very insignificant, you will wonder why you got so het up about it.
Take care.

Oh shit shit shit, how utterly shit. And you still don't know what it was they found unacceptable? This makes me think that perhaps you were a victim of their financial constraints. Perhaps they had to make cutbacks and you were an easy target, LIFO.
(Incidentally, I have just read a book about you, did you know you were a double agent working for department 20 in the second world war?)

Agent, can i ask if you dont mind, did you get this job that was advertised on here only what your`ve said sounds v v familiar.

I`m sorry though it stinks when it happens. x

It sounds a little suspect, letting someone go without them really having any idea why?

Maybe they do this every 3 months?

Chin up Agent, you have proved that you can get back in work after a long while off, you will do it again.

I don't know whether it's been advertised on here Dreams, they're pretty well known though.

I'd jigged everything at home to fit it in so it's going to be a bit of a head fuck remembering I don't have to think about it again.

Some of it I won't be fussed about never thinking of again, but other bits were really interesting.

I love Eddie Chapman Cailin, an amazing book and man

<chins up>

Probably not then Agent but sounded so familiar from a job I got from here last year, flattened my confidence totally at the time especially as they re-advertised with a different title within days of telling me they couldnt carry on using me for blah blah reason.

Its crap when it happens though, sympathies.

QUOTE' OP please tell us what this job is.
There are a lot of home-working scams about and I hope you have not been caught up in one.'

What this poster said above....the scams work by rejecting your work and so not having to pay you.

Was it LB AgentZigZag?

If so, don't take it personally. They are getting rid of people all over the place atm

Thanks for the warning about it being a scam, but honestly, it's totally, 100% legit.

By way of credentials, there are few threads about it on Money Saving Expert with posters almost slavering about wanting to work there

I've read about it on other forums too and never seen anything untoward said about them (apart from the reality of how they work, a risk I accepted willingly), if there was something dodgy someone's bound to have written about it.

I've been paid for the first month I worked and am due to be paid tomorrow/Weds (both a fair whack) and they've asked me to update my timesheet. They'll then owe me for another two months, I'm an incredibly suspicious person but I trust them to pay me (famous last words I'll be back in a month complaining they haven't coughed up )

Got it in one Thingummy

Have you worked for them?

They are legit, aren't they?

Oh - what a bunch of wankers! It's a really really shitty thing they have done. I have no idea how they get away with it

I hope that at least they do pay up.