Re OH going out

(65 Posts)
AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:11:18

My OH drunkenly kissed a girl from his work over a year ago now. I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since. She no longer works there, and I've had no cause for concern about him cheating since.
Anyway, because of this, I do not want him going on any sort of works night out. This includes drinks with colleagues, socialising with colleagues and clients and general work dos. I said that to him at the time, so he's always known this. I have no problem with him going out with friends etc, in fact he's just got back from a lads holiday.
Anyway, he just sprung a colleague/client night out on me. It's tomorrow, he's already paid and is claiming he told me about it ages ago. I don't think he did as I'd have told him straight off that I didn't want him to go. I've told him I don't want him going, and that I'm not budging on that one. Basically, if he goes I'll assume he has a complete lack of respect for me, and it's not something i'd be happy to just ignore.
AIBU to think like this?

Reality Tue 26-Feb-13 14:14:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Feb-13 14:15:50

You either need to trust your husband fully or not. Do you? The lads holiday sounds like you do, in which case I think you should let him go.

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 26-Feb-13 14:17:24

Is the short leash a form of punishment that you think you get to exert evermore?

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Feb-13 14:17:35

By the way I believe not trusting him is the start of a breakdown in marriage. I would be pretty furious if DH forbade me to do something.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:18:08

Well she's not working there anymore so you don't need to worry about that.

If he goes are you saying that it will cause you to think about ending your relationship with him?

yaimee Tue 26-Feb-13 14:18:13

It isn't unreasonable for you to expect him to be respectful of your feelings and to keep to his side of the arrangement if he has been aware of it from the time you forgave him.
It doesn't sound like an arrangement that can go on forever though, might it be time to draw a line?

cory Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:06

Is he going to spend his entire life never able to socialise or perform his professional role at functions because he misbehaved once? That will make his life impossible, will mean somebody else has to pick up the slack re lunching with clients (a job most people aren't desperately keen on) and may well mean he will be first in line in case of redundancies.

And if you don't believe he would cheat, where is the point anyway, except for telling him that I'm going to punish you as long as we both live?

And if you do believe he would cheat, why can't he do that during office hours or on a lads' holiday?

Agree with Reality, you either split up or you come to the point where you move on.

undercoverhousewife Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:09

YABU to have such a hard and fast rule when it's important to socialise with colleagues in most professions if you want to get on and you need to have trust in a marriage if it is to continue BUT

YANBU to be cross about the way he has sprung this on you at a day's notice with a bit of gaslighting ("I told you about this ages ago") which is indeed showing a lack of respect. Or desperation.

You need to have a good talk and agree that you will trust him and he will in return respect you by being candid about his plans.

mummymeister Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:39

he is your husband. he is an adult and he is an equal partner in your relationship or at least he should be. if i was him, i would seriously wonder why i am staying with someone who wants to control me in this way. YABU move on, he has, the other woman has. carry on like this and he will walk.

Clearly you do think you have cause for concern because if you didn't, and the person in question no longer works there, you wouldn't have a problem with work nights out.

It sounds to me like this kiss happened on a work night out and even though said person has gone, you are worried it might happen again.

What are you planning, that he can never socialise with colleagues?

I'm not saying you are right or wrong to think like that, I just wonder why it's ok to go on a lads holiday but not to a client party?

Greenkit Tue 26-Feb-13 14:20:07

I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since.

Only because he isn't allowed to do anything!!

I agree with another poster, either forgive him or dont

Lifeisontheup Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:35

You're stopping him going on a colleague/clients night out? I imagine that goes down a storm with his bosses.You sound astonishingly controlling and I'm surprised he's gone along with it so far and even more surprised that his bosses are happy with him refusing to go out with clients.

He's gaslighting. Get over to Relationships and see what they think over there. FWIW I think it's not about the work nights out, it's about him agreeing to something to make you feel more secure, then forcing you into the opposite without proper discussion.

Maebe Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:53

Agree with the others - you sound like you are putting him on a short leash as a for of punishment. If you don't trust him any more, then you don't trust him, and that's kind of the end of the line. By the sounds of it he hasn't gone on any work nights out for the past year - surely that is enough of a concession, that is him trying to win back your confidence.

Everyone has their own line. I've been there with the drunken snog and a terrified, humiliated, desperate DP who couldn't do enough to apologise for it, who hated himself for doing it, and all is fine now. But for other people a drunken snog would be something they could never forgive. Neither response is wrong or right, but you sound as though you haven't forgiven him and don't trust him any more.

Can I ask how you found out about the kiss? Did he tell you himself, or did you find out from someone else? Because personally I think there is a big difference there that will say a lot about your relationship.

Yabu, you forgave him, you took him back, it was over a year ago now. Are you going to punish him forever more? You 'not budging' and laying down the law is really controlling and if he posted on here I think my advice would be to leave the relationship.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:16

Thank you undercover, I think that's what's annoyed me the most, the fact he sprung it on me and then made out he'd told me ages ago.
As for his work socialising, it's not at all a part of his job, it's generally piss ups. Most people that work where he does are under 35. It's not a 'grown up' work place at all. He did agree to no more work nights out, as it happened at a Christmas do. I used to work there too, it was fucking humiliating having all my ex colleagues knowing what he'd done to me. Gossip travels fast there.
Also, he hangs out with the lads from work weekly, they have a football team. I just don't see the need for him to be at the piss ups.

bedmonster Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:34

Sorry, it doesn't really sound like you've forgiven him and it seems like this is a continuing punishment. And you do completely contradict yourself in the first pg of the OP.

What is the problem with the colleague/client night out? I would guess that he didn't tell you at all as he knew you would make his life difficult until the date.

You did ask, so I think YABU. Forgive and move on or part ways.

For what it's worth though, I can understand how you might not trust him due to his drunken kiss, but you have obviously decided to overcome this therefore it's not fair to bring it up over and over again with regards to him socialising.

Tee2072 Tue 26-Feb-13 14:23:42

YABVVVVU

Do you trust him or not? If not, then why are you with him?

fluffyraggies Tue 26-Feb-13 14:24:12

If you've got your head around being able to relax about him going on a lad's night out, i think you need to be ok now about a work outing.

If he's going to cheat he'll do it what ever the label on the night out, IYSWIM?
Lad's night, stag night, work night, quick drink after the gym, catch up with an old friend night etc etc etc

Take a deep breath and let it go now OP. I know it must be hard, but you can't keep this going for ever.

Squitten Tue 26-Feb-13 14:26:40

YABVU

If you can trust him on a lads holiday, a works do shouldn't be a problem. Do you think the environment he's in has anything to do with whether or not he'll cheat? If he wanted to cheat again, he will and it doesnt matter where he is.

I think you have to decide whether you trust him or not. If you do, then you can't put restrictions on him.

You need to get over yourself, and fast. No one will put up with a partner constantly whining and issuing commands for long; he'll either have more affairs or just dump you.

I agree with mummymeister
I would certainly not put up with my OH telling me I couldn't go out with work colleagues.
Blimey, he's a lot more likely to cheat, and cheat properly on a lads holiday!
He will get fed up with being controlled so tightly and he will leave in the end if you don't sort it out.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:27:40

Will you consider ending your relationship if he ignores your request not to go?

Honestly? Its not really an issue whether you "see the need" for him to see certain friends.

It really sounds as though you are punishing him, rather than you dont trust him which suggests you havent forgiven him and moved on at all.

maddening Tue 26-Feb-13 14:28:18

What about saying he can go but he must not drink - I take it he wouldn't have snogged office girl if he hadn't been drunk?

I would have been more worried about a "lads" holiday than works evenings. Personally would think being sober at work events would be better for him apl round.

In the long run you do need to learn to trust him - counselling would be a good start as this snog will likely hang like a cloud over your relationship if you don't sort it out.

What else has he done to reassure you that this snog was a one off event?

No man only cheats with work colleagues or only cheats with strangers.

If hes going to cheat he will cheat. If you cant trust him then banning certain nights out isnt going to change that.

catlady1 Tue 26-Feb-13 14:30:59

I don't understand how you can trust him on a lads' holiday but not a drink with work colleagues. Does he just have a fetish for women he works with or something? I understand your insecurities, I honestly do, but much worse things go on on your average "lads' holiday" than on a Friday night drink after work.

Still18atheart Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:17

So you'd rather him go on a lads holiday, than for him to go on a night out with collegues. Now if this was me I'd be the opposite

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:30

I think you probably need to discuss this a lot more.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do but it's not going to work. If you are so sure that the workplace setting is the problem, I'd be more inclined to ask him to change jobs rather than forbid him to go on any work-related events. TBH, I'd have thought that the biggest risk for him behaving badly would be the lads' nights out, which don't seem to bother you. confused

The main problem as I see it is that you haven't dealt effectively with the breach of trust from last Christmas. Why is that do you think? Is the lying to you indicative of things in your relationship generally? If so, I can see why you haven't been able to rebuild that trust. Trust is based on much more than fidelity and not going on works nights out. Are you an insecure person generally? Have you been able to fully express your anger and humiliation at his betrayal? It comes across in your post (quite understandably), so I'd hazard a guess that you haven't moved past it yet. What could you or he do to help that?

Perhaps relationship counselling would be a good way forward for you.

Bejeena Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:47

Personally I would say that since he was drunk when he kissed the girl and is sorry about it you can blame the booze (we all do daft things after we've had a few after all!)

What I would do is firstly calm down and take a deep breath.

Then I think the answer here is simple, he goes but he takes the car so he can't drink. Or he just doesn't drink.

That way you are not harnessing his career and he is showing you a bit of respect to your wishes.

That seem like a good compromise?

yaimee Tue 26-Feb-13 14:33:18

Yeah, that's an interesting question, do you intend to end your relationship if he goes against your wishes, or just make his life a misery for a bit?
He shouldn't be trying to trick you, but then he shouldn't feel he needs to either.
Conditionality (I'll for give you, but only if you do x,y,z and don't do a,b,c) doesn't sound like a great way to live!

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 14:34:43

I'm sorry Bejeena, but while I think your compromise for the night out is a good one, I have to completely disagree about blaming the booze.

I've got in some terrible states over the years, but I've never been unfaithful/broken the law/behaved otherwise totally out of character as a result of being drunk. Alcohol does not change personality, it simply lowers the threshold at which a person shows their true colours.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:34:52

I think I probably am punishing him a bit, however he agreed to not going on the work dos when I t. He's by no means on a 'short lead', nor is he controlled. We have kids, and he goes out a hell of a lot more than any other dads I know.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:35:12

When I told him it would make me uncomfortable, that is meant to say.

yuleheart Tue 26-Feb-13 14:37:05

YABU

You trust him on a lads holiday but not on a works night out?

I think you need to take a step back and re-read your post, you obviously don't trust him at all, you haven't moved on from the 'incident' and are taking every opportunity to punish him.

squeaver Tue 26-Feb-13 14:41:07

Aah, the classic AIBU...

Everyone says you're BU, except for one poster who you're going to latch onto for dear life.

Sense the tone of the thread, OP, sense the tone....

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:42:21

I'm sorry, who did I latch on to?

AnaisB Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:08

Yabu, either you trust him or you should end the relationship.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:41

Did he confess the drunken snog or did word get back to you from another source before he admitted it?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:20

If it isn't about trust and it isn't about punishment is it about you thinking that you will look like a twat in the eyes of your ex colleagues for letting him off the leash after what he did? If so I think you should start prioritising yourself and your relationship over the possible idle musings of others. Sorry if I'm way off but it must be about something.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:24

Also, he doesn't drive so taking the car would not be an option. He's literally just back from his holiday yesterday, is going out tonight and works thing is tomorrow. I've had no break from the kids and have barely seen him. I suppose that is having a big impact on how I'm reacting.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:00

And no, he didn't tell me about it. The other girl did.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:23

And had she not told me, one of my colleagues was going to the next day.

squeaver Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:57

undercoverhousewife

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:46:15

Ithinkofhappy, I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

But for how long is it forbidden? Forever?

Its not really practical is it?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:47:51

I hardly latched on to what she said, I agreed with her point. I didn't then go on to say that I was of course being reasonable and I would be ignoring everyone else's opinions.

MrsMorton Tue 26-Feb-13 14:49:29

You sound like my H, a lifetime of punishment for something I'm not sure I even did (now I know he's a gas lighter). I'm not saying he didn't do it but you need to either "LTB" or get on with your lives.

I hate my life, I'm like a caged bird, not allowed to even see my parents... what is the logical conclusion to this?

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:50:54

What are you going to do if he insists on going?

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:27

I agree with those who say he should go on his night out. And in any case if he was really deceitful he wouldn't have even told you about this incident and you would have been none the wiser. Nobody would like this to happen to them and it was horrible for you but it's really time to let go now.

livinginwonderland Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:52

yabu because you clearly haven't forgiven him. things have been "mostly good" because you don't trust him! i'm surprised he's put up with it, to be honest.

if you trust him, he should be able to go out and socialise with work without you having a hissy fit.

Maryz Tue 26-Feb-13 14:51:54

Oh dear.

Him kissing a girl is the least of your problems, sadly. And you can't fix it by keeping him away from other girls.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:52:44

Vivienne he didn't tell OP, the girl did.

ENormaSnob Tue 26-Feb-13 15:01:58

Aside from everything else he sounds like a selfish twat.

Does he spend anytime at all with you and your dc?

Are you sure you can get over this incident?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 15:04:48

I'm not trying to keep him away from other girls, and to be honest he can be a bit of a twat. He does spend time with us but will nearly always take up other offers if he can. I can also count on one hand the amount of times he has looked after dc alone so I can go out.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 15:06:03

Sorry Sugarice. I missed that. blush But even knowing that. I still think it's either curtains for the relationship or move on and forgive and if not forget put it in the past where it belongs.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 15:07:58

Vivienne I agree .

OP, what will you do if he insists on going on this night out?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 15:10:05

He won't insist.

Sounds to me like you need to plan a few nights out without him or your DC. You will start to resent him even more otherwise.
Sit down with him and talk things through.
Write down how you are feeling about everything.
How much he helps around the house, how often he looks after DC so you can go out, how much time he spends with you all as a family etc....

Crinkle77 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:25:48

I don't really understand your logic OP. The girl does not work there anymore but he still is not allowed out with his work mates? I would be more worried about the lads holiday than going out with work colleagues as generally you are more likely to behave around those you work with.

undercoverhousewife Tue 26-Feb-13 19:50:31

I think you have moved on to talk about not wanting him to go out drinking nights with the young and single when he is a grown man with DC and responsibilities at home. I agree with you that he should not be doing that if it means he is not pulling his weight at home. If he IS going to, then he should at least give you notice so you can get a babysitter and go out yourself.

But you probably shouldn't relate your objections back to his snogging...that's in the past now and you have to get over it.

however, there comes a point when a father has to step up and put aside youthful drinking with work colleagues (if this is just Friday night piss-ups we are talking rather than an organised work social which is pretty much 3 line whip). Ask your DH how many other people at those work drinks are married ones or whether the married men and women duck out and go home. That might make him (or you!) pause for thought and see what is reasonable.

You are fine about him generally going out, which is just how it should be.

You would get more support and constructive advice in Relationships, so please repost there.

You need to define your problem for yourself, as well, before you do: is it socialising with colleagues you object to, OR going out much more than you can (selfish) OR merely going out to functions which just involve single youngsters drinking themselves stupid?

Good luck.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 26-Feb-13 19:58:14

Sounds like you haven't actually forgiven him for the snog. In which case there are big issues to fix in your relationship

DoJo Tue 26-Feb-13 23:25:25

I can kind of understand wanting him to honour his end of the agreement as a sign that he was prepared to make it up to you for his infidelity - not a 'sorry' in the moment, but a lasting commitment to making you feel as though he really meant for it never to happen again. However, now that you have mentioned his other behaviour, I think you might just be hanging your hat on this issue in lieu of acknowledging his ongoing twatty behaviour in all other aspects of your relationship.

jinsymaw Tue 26-Feb-13 23:40:58

Amycooper, BAZINGA! Get yourself some self esteem and sashay that shassy. Darn it, you don't need to worry about no guy. Hell if he 's gonna cheat then no mount of tellin him to stay in will make no difference, he'll do it anyway! Sorry gone all southern American (your name reminds me of sheldon cooper of Big Bang theory). As Jeza Kyle says paranoia will annoyer! LUV yourself and don't let anyone make you feel second best!

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