to not tell MIL i go in to labour..(85 Posts)
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.
I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.
MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!
I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!
Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.
I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital then me and DP can bond with her and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.
The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.
Stick to your plan. Unless you have to make arrangements to have a younger child looked after there is no reason you need to tell anyone at all until it's all over.
I'm not sure why you need to ask really. You have the answer right there.
If your DP tells her what you want, will she respect your wishes? If yes, tell her and manage teh reaction now so the upset is minimised. If not, don't tell her when you go into labour and just deal with the fall-out afterwards.
You really really don't want drama and intrusion while you are giving birth. It will detract from the whole thing, may cause you problems and I can tell you there are a lot of posters here who have not got over this being done to them even years later.
Give into her now and you will be setting yourself up for years of this sort of behaviour!
I would tell her, but only if you are sure that your DP will stand firm. No point you saying no and him sending her a guilty txt or making a quick phone call because she has put him under pressure for the previous 2 months.
If you think she will not respect your wishes then just don't tell her when you go into labour. You can always feign being caught up in the moment and not even remembering that people wanted to know.
It is your right to have a private birth. As for poor SIL. Why the hell didn't the mws chuck her out?
But why bother even taking the risk that she may not respect your wishes? Why put yourself in a situation where you have to say no, or for your DP to turn her away at the door of the labour ward? Just don't tell her until it's over. It's very simple - there is no need for her or anyone to know. Just let them all get a nice surprise phone call afterwards. Telling her in advance that she is not welcome there is just setting yourself up for a row.
You could get it put in your notes that you do not want any visitors (other than your dh)?
That way, if she does find out some how, they'll not let her in.
Or tell her the wrong hospital?
Your baby, your body, your way. I agree with don't tell her anything til it's over and have DH under strict silence instructions.
I'd tell her now that you're going to work out the birth plan closer to the time, and then when you do go into labour, just don't tell her. Also tell the midwifery team at the hospital that she is NOT to come in, in case she takes it upon herself to turn up.
I'd also tell her that you don't want her touching the baby when she's just been smoking.
Don't most hospitals only allow one birth partner? where I gave birth she would not have even been allowed through the doors of the delivery ward - women were allowed 2 partners if they wanted but those 2 had to be ones you had said you wanted and they had to sign in and get special stickers. So just say and write on your birth plan that it is to be you and DH only. Simple. If she doesn't like it then that is her bad luck. She can come and visit you later on the ward, or the next day if you prefer. It should't be a case of not trusting her to stay in the waiting room. Labour and Delivery usually have a security buzzing in and out system.
yep, don't tell anybody. really the last thing you need when you're giving birth is somebody about who needs it to be all about them.
and definitely no to her going near a newborn when still exuding cigarette smoke.
i'd agree with fellatio, if you tell her now it will cause you grief. I would also add something in your notes and speak with the midwife if you are worried.
Tell her that sadly your hospital will only let one person in and don't have any place for people to wait either.
Anyway, you went into labour too quickly to phone her didn't you?
I agree with not telling anyone when you go into labour.
I also recommend that you let the midwives know and have it your birthplan that you don't want anyone other than your DP to be present.
Reason I suggest this is that if she's the sort that wants to be in on the action, then she's likely to be phoning you a lot around your due date to see if things have started. And if she can't raise you on the phone she may assume your labour has begun and make her way to the hospital anyway to try and get in.
Thanks for the replies. Dp is a love and will go with what a ask. He wont ring or tell any one. I think I'm just going for a yay or ney on the telling her before hand so not to have drama and sulking afterwards. Also what to do about her stinking of fags?? Also I would love to tell her not to smoke before she comes or is that going over board
Absolutely don't tell her.
And don't feel bad about it, not even for a second.
I donm't think you're going overboard in telling her not to smoke beforehand.
Yanbu. Don't tell her, you can always make an excuse afterwards if you really need to, such as phone was not charged or midwife said only partner could come in
cross posted this bloody internet is so slow today?
Nobody should demand anything from anyone else. That is bullying. MIL should ASK , but has been allowed to get away with her unacceptable behaviour. She is not showing you or her son any respect by being so domineering.
Ignore her emotional blackmail as you know it is all show. Your DP must stand up to her, although I know many sons cannot do that, including my DH.
Your wishes have priority as you are giving birth and they should be respected by MIL.
Dont tell her until afterwards if only because if she has a strop she is likely to "punish" you by not visiting at all (YAY!), so get even more peace and quiet.
As for asking her not to smoke for 20 minutes before seeing your child and washing and changing her clothes is not OTT, it is medical advice.
Draw your lines in the sand NOW, otherwise as others have said, she will walk all over you. This is YOUR birth, YOUR baby, YOUR life.
Give her a pamphlet about the smoking thing. Stand your ground, especially if your dp is on board. You are definitely NBU!!!
Isn't there some thing about not smoking for a certain amount of time before holding a baby and also washing hands?
If you can find anything, print it off and tell her how it is so that she knows from the start. And I say this as a smoker. It should be your wishes all the way.
Don't tell her, and when you go in make sure the mws are aware of your wish to have no-one else in to see you.
Tell about the smoking too.
You will need to stand your ground with her from the beginning, she'll just trample all over you otherwise.
With the smoking just bring it up in a baby convo.
"Oh yeah we are going to be really strict on that NO ONE is going to get near the baby if they have smoked within the last 30minutes and they need to wash theirs hands! Don't want to risk anything when it comes to little beans health"
Then is she does the well you will let me won't you though?
" why are your fags less harmful than other people's? No person is taking priority over beans health"
Also just don't tell her when in labour although be prepared for dh to still tell anyway.. Mine had agreed to not tell till I was ready 1 hour after giving birth they where at the hospital I was not aware they had even been called!!! Que arguments over 2nd birth and guess what the spineless man that is my husband bloody well did it again this time a home birth!!
If I have a 3rd I swear I'm not even telling the hubby or I shall hide the phones...
bogeyface thanks for the time limit of smoking. I didnt know that. And i think she would just feel a quick wash of the hands would be enough - actually i'd be surprised if she did that!
She once nearly set the bed clothes a lite while she was co-sleeping with her other DGC!! SIL nearly murdered her!! Cue a bitter 17 year war!
agatha your right, I do as there has been issues in the past where she has gotten away with murder. DP does talk to her but she ends up crying - cue DP ''she is not a bad person' excuse.
I'd go so far as to take dp's phone and switching it off along with mine and putting them away in your hospital bag until you are ready to tell people.
Your dp might cave in the emotion of the moment and tell her and she will be telling everyone her knocking story with your birth.
You know I felt really quite reading your OP. How can anyone think it's ok to behave like that when someone is giving birth! I wouldn't say a word to her. Tough if she's hurt! The only person who has the "right" to be at the birth of a child is THE WOMAN GIVING BIRTH! Honestly I am flabbergasted that people put up with this kind of thing.
YANBU, about either (visiting and smoking).
I'm not a big fan of lying to her about it - it's time soembody made a stand, and that could be you & DH. But that's up to you, as is whether to make that stand between now and labour day or after.
Best of luck! And Congratulations.
She once nearly set the bed clothes a lite while she was co-sleeping with her other DGC!! SIL nearly murdered her!! Cue a bitter 17 year war!
And there, in a nutshell, you have her priorities. Not only will she smoke in bed with her DGC but almost kills them in the process.
Stop this NOW, and do not ever EVER let her babysit. I am serious, she will lie to your face about not smoking etc, but she will do it anyway.
tell her before, no-one but your dp at the birth- decent chance she will ring you every 2 hours and go to the hospital if you dont answer!
if dsil had baby some years ago, tell her policy has changed and now only dps? brief everyone at the hospital though and they will not let her in.
And a 17 year war? Presumably because the SIL was going OTT and being horrible for blaming MIL? I am guessing that the MIL has never apologised for what she did?
YANBU. We told nobody, mainly because I didn't want anyone worrying as we are in a different country.
Nobody would be coming near my newborn after smoking. Not even God!
would have liked to see her knocking on the window at our local hospital- labour ward is on 13th floor :D
Do not tell her. She doesn't have a right to know you're in labour.
She sounds like a selfish, manipulative, drama queen turning on the waterworks when she can't get her own way.
YANBU We had to tell MiL when we were having DS because we needed someone to sit with DD and my sister was on holiday. She was a bleeding nightmare, telling me I couldn't be in labour because I was too calm. Feck off. Then she tried to insist that she stayed for the first few days to 'help us settle in'. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll have a home birth and they can all sod off if they think I'm telling anyone until the baby is here.
bogey MIl dosnt do apologising she just steams out or crys, She can be very rude and childish, i could go on for hours! But she acts as if she is on the verge of a mental breakdown so all ways gets a way with it. Sil has had it tough with her.
MIL thought she was going to do the child care when i go back to work but DH even said no way.
I'm actually dreading it!
Tell her the truth. You are going to have to deal with it, before or after. You can't avoid it.
She's not welcome. Its not up for debate. And she has no right to be there and shouldn't expect to be there. She is intruding and needs to give you space.
If she doesn't like it, or lays a guilt trip, just tell she needs to respect your decisions or it will damage the relationship. If that fails, treat her like she deserves; like a spoilt child.
Stick to your guns, start as you mean to go on. We told no one DC was going to be induced, went in, made no contact until 36 hours later when DS had arrived and settled. Then rang both sets of parents!
I don't think YABU at all.
I was adamant with DS1 that I didn't want MIL to know I was in labour - mainly because she would have been "waiting for updates" constantly, and probably turning up at the hospital. She would have also told everyone I was in labour, and I just felt like I would have been under a lot of unnecessary pressure. As it was, my labour was 43 hours, so there would have been a lot of waiting!
Thankfully now ex agreed (after a lot of arguing). We wanted to keep it just us (with my parents knowing as they were our taxi service) and it worked well.
She´ll be devastated if she can't be in the room whilst you give birth?
Well, she'll get over it-life's full of disappointments, isn't it?
Sometimes I think that women are too precious about pregnancy & birth.
But I do think that someone actually in the process of giving birth gets to decide who is in the room with her.
Any necessary medical staff excepted, of course.
My MIL (or DH's mother, as I prefer to call her) doesn't even know I'm pregnant. I hope she will not.
Stand firm. Don't be pressured into this, you've had the warning with her behaviour with SIL, if you let her in and it happens again then you were warned. Do whatever you need to do to birth in a calm and relaxed environment.
How do she and SIL get on now, btw?
Oh my goodness. There is no way that I would allow her anywhere near me. YANBU.
When I had both of my children it was just me, husband and a whole army of medical staff. I was induced so other family members could have turned up, but they are very well mannered and thoughtful and wouldn't dream of intruding. I love my family!
Yes, tell her in advance that you won't be informing anyone when you go into labour. Then she can do the worst of her sulking, crying etc now (and over the next 8 weeks), rather than doing it when the baby arrives and making the birth all about her. As long as you're positive that your DH won't cave in to her pressure.
Say nothing. If you tell her she will spend the remaining weeks working on you and your dh to change your minds. Don't be shy. Tell her afterwards and if she turns on the waterworks, give her a cold, hard stare and remind her that you've just had a child and its not about her.
Oh, and practice not answering your phone for long periods of timeevery so often. When I went into labour, DM guessed because we hadn't answered the phone.
Don't tell her. It will be a blessing for your, your OH and your child and all the hospital staff too.
Agree with practicing not answering the phone - that may be useful afterwards too. Make sure that only certain times are convenient for a short while.
Ooh, you had my YANBU at "MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. " I don't react well to demands.
As others have already said, start as you mean to go on. With luck she'll bugger off with a big sulk on. And her fags.
TBH, I just took it for granted that I wouldn't tell anyone when I went into labour , and I frankly never realised that anyone felt that they had to. I expected I would have other things on my mind, and really didn't see the point of putting everyone on tenterhooks. <accepts I am odd that way>
The most magical time when you have a baby is the time when the midwives have decided all's well and they go off to do their paperwork, leaving you, DP/DH and the new baby on your own - a new baby that hasn't kept you awake, hasn't given you sore nipples, hasn't pooed everywhere, hasn't brought back up a whole evening's breastfeed, hasn't played up when you're trying to settle them - in short, a perfect little being. It's a personal, private time for just the three of you.
You need to make it clear now that you'll be calling no-one when you go into labour until after the birth. I'm sure she'll play up, but best to deal with that now, than have to deal with her turning up unannounced at the delivery suite. You can tell the midwives there not to let anyone in, though.
Aaarrrggh! It just gets worse! That she co-sleeps with DGCs! (I don't see any reason to do that with a baby unless one's breastfeeding). Even if she didn't smoke that precise second (and I wouldn't put it past her!), O the stench!
Please tell her she won't be allowed to the birth, or even to see baby until she quits smoking. That'll piss her off so much you might never have to see her again (and has the added benefit of being not entirely unreasonable, for external audience's benefit).
Tell her beforehand that it will be just you and DH at hospital for labour/birth and regardless of how she responds do not tell her when you are going in to labour - contact her after to let her know her new grandchild has a arrived.
This is more than reasonable so don't feel the need to make excuses/apologies. If she kicks off that is her perogative. There is no need to pussy foot around her - she's certainly not worried about offending/upsetting you!
DO NOT TELL HER! YANBU. MIL sounds like a nightmare. If she strops and sulks after the birth that just means you'll have some much needed space away from her. Don't feel guilty, you will have done nothing wrong. You don't need the stress right now, or for your 6 week postpartum period either. I'd keep well away from MIL for as long as possible to help you recover from the birth...stress free. DON'T GIVE IN! It's her loss if she's going to disrespect your wishes at such a sensitive time in your life. This one of these circumstances when you have to put yourself and your baby first. It's a big deal having a baby. Hope you have a really great birthing experience.
YANBU. Don't tell if there's a chance she'll turn up and be a nightmare.
Where I gave birth they only let two people in (one of them my H). We had to give names, anyone not on the list wasn't allowed in!
If it were me I would deal with the smoking before hand. Make it clear your baby will not be around smokers or in smoky environments and those who do smoke will not be holding her within half an hour and without washing.
I would also cover overnight visits in that as well.
With the being in labour thing i wouldn't say a word and when she bleats about it afterwards just say "why on earth would you expect to be told something like that the only people who needed to know were me dh and the midwife, people actually required to be there"
Thanks for your replies! I think I'm going to tell her next time she brings it up. I'm just going to say 'well my DM wants to be there too (she wouldnt dream of it) so there is not enough room, so no one is. Plus I dont want crowds of people coming up so just going to invite you all together when we get back''.......and deal with the fire works when they encure!
After reading countless posts on here about MIl's I'm going to dig deep and start standing up to her other wise it will only get worse.
forget they hate each other..seriously.. MIL wont speak directly to SIL even in the same room. Dp is the only person that 'stands' up to he (ish).
sock mil will never have dc over night or even baby sit her. She is the type of person to have baby on hip, fag in gob.
The most magical time when you have a baby is the time when the midwives have decided all's well and they go off to do their paperwork, leaving you, DP/DH and the new baby on your own
Could not be more off topic and I am so sorry OP but had to say how ovely seeing this written down is. I'm a student MW and my mentors are always trying to impress this need for space on me but I am a bit stuck in 'what if she bleeds to death?' mode and have a terrible tendency to hover
And OP, please don't tell her and second the advice to never, ever let her babysit
I kind of thought you might say that OP, take the warning and count yourself so lucky your DP is supportive - think your approach sounds great. Agree with those saying no babysitting...
BeehavingBaby When I was in this position I was left with a call button in case of problems.
Another one for the don't tell her/practise not answering the phone. Much as I like OBEM, I think it gives a skewed impression that it's common for a crowd of people to be in the delivery suite. When I had dd no way on Gods earth did I want anyone other than her dad in there with me, and then he nearly got his hand broke as I squeezed hell out of it with each contraction!!!!
NB - if she does appear, I would suggest the power of contractions on venting your frustration at her, after all, who'd be brave enough to tell a birthing woman it's not right to tell her MIL to fuck off mid contraction......
Don't tell her.
If she sulks: bonus, she sounds appalling.
I wouldn't say anything before time OP - you'll just be subjected to 8 weeks of emotional blackmail until you change your mind. Just say yes, of course she can come, and then don't ring her!
I'm always amazed at people who remember to phone everyone when they're having babies. It would never even have occured to me in labour!
Op just dont tell her anything until after baby is born. If she moans that she was not there, just say it happened very quickly that you dident have time to call. Please keep us updated
I'd tell her now. My mil is lovely and we get on really well but i think this is partly because i stood up to her in the beginning about certain things (not dc related - more about her gossiping about sil and DP's brother, slating how they raise their kids etc). I told her nicely but firmly that i value 'each to their own' etc and have calmly explained and things i disagree with her on. We have a good relationship because (i hope) she respects me and knows that i won't take any shit Ireland silliness.
Set out your terms calmly but firmly so that there is no room for argument.
My mum is lovely but a bit overbearing. She sharp cottoned on to me saying 'its a good job you had 3 of us to have your way with' in a semi joking way whenever she expressed distaste at our choice if name, outfit, parenting choice...
Good god no.
Don't ever even hint that she can come,if you do she will grab that hint like its a free diamond.
God no, don't tell anyone when you are in labour apart from DH !
Your MIL has had her turn , she was there for the birth of her own children . She may be the baby's grandmother, but she does not preside over your reproductive system .
And yes, you need to be firm about no smoking around the baby.
Both my Mum and my Mil were/are extremely reasonable, sensible people, but it never occurred to me to tell either of them when I was in labour (with my first - Mum did come and look after him when I went in with my second!).
I can't believe the number of people on OBEM who have more than their partner there. It's a very, very personal and private time for the Mum and Dad to be IMO.
That's without any of my realtives being the loon the your MiL sounds like she is!
tell no one and tell the midwives you don't want any visitors at all ever. They will have to abide by your needs. If you do go into labor when you are round relatives tell them you have a bad headache and are going home.
if you need to go for a sweep or other early labor appointment, tell MIL it's just a standard appointment to check your blood pressure and urine.
Just don't tell her until after and you'll avoid any stressful scenes, arguments, tears etc.
TBh, your biggest problem is the smoking, that is going to cause a major upset. She will never accept your rules on this. My mum was exactly the same regards smoking, even told my sister if she wasn't allowed to smoke in sister's house when she visited her GC then she would never come. Thank God she had stopped before mine came along as I wouldn't have let her see them as she always stunk of fags.
BE STRONG! Make your stand, and dont back down!
Like Begonia says, the smoking will be the biggest issue. Stick to your guns! As others have said, set the groundwork for the future now.
Your vagina (or stomach) your rules.
It's very simple really.
Babies smell so lovely, they shouldn't be tainted with cigarette smoke
a new baby that hasn't kept you awake, hasn't given you sore nipples, hasn't pooed everywhere, hasn't brought back up a whole evening's breastfeed, hasn't played up when you're trying to settle them - in short, a perfect little being. It's a personal, private time for just the three of you
No but has in some case quite literally just ripped you a new one
*<remembers OP is uninitiated>
just kidding OP, it really only stings a bit
I totally agree that you should stick to your guns on not having any visitors on the day your baby is born. It really is such a magical time for the 3 of you that you won't forget. I still often fondly think back to when dd1 was born and I don't think of the time I was in labour, I think of when she was finally born and those hours afterwards of bonding, talking about the labour with Dh and how we felt through it etc.
With dd1, we had all afternoon from 4pm when she was born to 2 pm the next day (visiting hours) with just the 3 of us to bond. When visiting hours started, I was ready then to show off our beautiful baby to our family who were obviously desperate to meet her too.
I would say that it's more than reasonable to stipulate that you don't want any visitors in the first 24 hours, beyond that I think it's a little unfair to expect immediate family (I.e parents and siblings) to stay away without really good reason.
Will the Midwives really stop her coming in though?
Surely most delivery wards are controlled entry, birth partner only ?
Anyway if they don't tell anyone when labour starts it won't be an issue.
At my hospital, you have to be buzzed in to the labour ward. If your name isn't on the birth partner list then you can't get on to the ward. You can't have visitors till you have left the labour ward and gone up to the maternity ward, and even then there are strict rules on times and how many visitors per bed. I thought it was the same everywhere?
Ignore the entitled loon
This is about you, dp and baby
Not your loopy mil...
CAn we just clarify whether she wants to merely be present at the hospital so she can wait outside like an over-anxious mother, or is she actually expecting to be present in the delivery suite? Most poople here seem to think she is, but I didn't read the OP that way at all.
Not that she needs to be there either way unless expressly invited, but some people seem to be reading more into this than is there.
I mean outside in the corridor, not literally outside in the street!
I wouldn't tell her I'd gone into labour either.
If you can trust her to not nag you continually for the next 8 weeks, I'd firmly tell her now that only DP (and necessary medical staff) will be in the labour room.
Seconding advice about practicing not answering the phone and telling midwives that you don't want anyone except your DP allowed into the delivery ward.
But Fellatio, OP said that MIL was banging on the delivery room window when SIL was giving birth - it doesn't sound like she'd be content to wait patiently in the corridor!
There is evidence to show that mothers who are anxious in labour have disturbed/slower labours (sometimes labour even stops, it is a preservation mechanism in case a place of birth turns out to not be safe and the mother-to-be needs to move), so it really wouldn't be a good idea to have anyone present during labour that you are not 100% comfortable with and trusting of.
I would talk to your midwife abut the set up at your hospital, it sounds las if your SIL gave birth quite a few years ago? At our hospital the delivery area has controlled entry and only birthing partners are let through. Even the maternity ward was very closely controlled, I did see visitors being encouraged to leave! There was no waiting room for either area, unless you count a cold corridor with no seating.
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