to find my friend annoying when she judges what I eat?

(72 Posts)
BodieBolts Mon 25-Feb-13 23:06:45

My friend has always been very into healthy eating - absolutely nothing wrong with that in the slightest, and good for her.

We went out on a day trip together and when it came to lunch, she said "I really need to eat some vegetables" and it ended up being my choice (between 2 places) of where to eat (there was 4 of us) and I chose a pizza place. She left the crust and said afterwards - all that grease will keep us warm now.

I also dared to buy a bottle of coke on the way home whilst she bought some fruit. She asked what I bought and said I told her and she just laughed.

Now I eat healthily 90% of the time but on rare days I generally don't give a shit and will enjoy pizza without getting upset about it. Life is too short to worry or deny myself certain food all the time.

I don't mind if she wants to be healthy 99% of the time but I don't want to be judged for what I decide to eat.

BreadForMyBREADGUN Mon 25-Feb-13 23:08:19

YANBU. I have colleagues that do this and its so fucking rude.

CocacolaMum Mon 25-Feb-13 23:08:38

YANBU in my opinion.

If she wants to eat healthily then great but unless you are asking for her opinion then she should keep it to herself!

StickEmUp Mon 25-Feb-13 23:10:21

Ignore her. She probably wants what your having grin

YouTheCat Mon 25-Feb-13 23:10:42

Her comments say more about her attitude to food really. The food may be healthy, but the attitude isn't and her manners are shocking.

McNewPants2013 Mon 25-Feb-13 23:12:09

Yanbu.

I have work friends in the past counting my syns, but I understand their obsession with dieting.

thebody Mon 25-Feb-13 23:12:10

She sounds very childish.

LeaveTheBastid Mon 25-Feb-13 23:15:23

Her issues, not yours.

Enjoy your pizza, coke, and healthy attitude towards food.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 25-Feb-13 23:17:03

Oh I know sooooo many people like this. I feel like ramming a greasy burger down their bloody throats!

RaspberryRuffle Mon 25-Feb-13 23:21:52

Could she not have got a pizza with vegetables on it? wink
Alongside my healthy food but I also have chocolate every day, one of my colleagues is always commenting that he couldn't possibly eat that much chocolate - the good news is I'm not going to force him so wish he would just shut up!

TinyDiamond Mon 25-Feb-13 23:22:47

so rude and annoying. she needs to mind her own

floweryblue Mon 25-Feb-13 23:23:04

YANBU. My Sis and I like different things. If we are out together we try to compromise. If we can't, we go our seperate ways and meet up again later. Why should either of us pay for food, or anything, we don't want to.

floweryblue Mon 25-Feb-13 23:27:41

PS Pizza is bread, tomatoes and cheese, with some extra bits thrown on, so not necessarily 'unhealthy'.

LittleMissFantabulous Mon 25-Feb-13 23:35:52

You're entirely unreasonable for mentioning pizza. I'm hungry!

BegoniaBampot Mon 25-Feb-13 23:44:25

Tbh, if I was out with a friend who wouldn't really enjoy pizza for whatever reason then I would choose somewhere else.

Happymum22 Mon 25-Feb-13 23:58:15

YANBU, however overweight or underweight another adult is you should never comment on what they eat. It is patronising and personal.

DD (20) has a usually lovely (I've met him) housemate who had a horrible habit of commenting on what the other housemates are eating. He apparently will make comments about carbs or fat which can be very off putting and if mis-interpreted make them the girls think he was saying they are fat or unhealthy- they all are great students and cook proper meals. They all have a good and balanced diet, mostly pretty healthy but with the occasional treat.
DD pointed out to him the other day politely how his comments come across in a very light hearted conversation, he was mortified and apologetic and reassured them he did not mean anything bad just simply is into health and fitness. So I guess maybe your friend just doesn't realise what she is saying, some of those healthy eating fanatics can get so wrapped up in it they are just commenting and not meaning anything harsh.

Greensleeves Tue 26-Feb-13 00:01:10

Just make snidey wisecracks back at her with a nice big gleeful grin. If she can dish it out she should be able to take it. Or she can stfu.

Greensleeves Tue 26-Feb-13 00:05:09

My sister used to needle me about being fat (which I wasn't). I was a lot younger so it took me years to learn to answer back properly, ask her to stop clacking her finger bones during a meal, or offer to rub goose fat into her before we went for a walk in the cold. Cow.

Mimishimi Tue 26-Feb-13 00:06:43

You are only BU if you moan about your weight to her at other times. If not, then YANBU, it's none of her business.

boodles Tue 26-Feb-13 00:11:35

How is her food choices being different to yours rude? Maybe she actually enjoys eating veg? I personally do not enjoy greasy foods, I find they weigh heavy on my stomach and make me feel bloated, so I wouldn't enjoy that type of meal.

PootlePosyPerkin Tue 26-Feb-13 00:16:07

YANBU. I have a sister like that - she openly disapproves of anything slightly "unhealthy" food wise, and even talks to down to people about their food choices in much the same way as you would tell a small child why they can't have any more chocolate today confused.

She also smokes 20 a day & drinks enough wine to drown an army. That's different apparently wink.

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 00:21:51

How is her food choices being different to yours rude?

Eh? hmm when did I or anyone on this thread say that?

frogspoon Tue 26-Feb-13 00:30:48

YANBU, it's not her business what you eat.

And if she actually wanted vegetables she would have had a salad with/ instead of her pizza.

hopkinette Tue 26-Feb-13 00:45:35

I don't like pizza but I think she sounds like a cock.

OkayHazel Tue 26-Feb-13 01:00:18

MY response to this is 'Yeah, I can eat so much junk food and I still look great/am thin. I'd hate to have to watch everything I eat like you'

BreadForMyBREADGUN Tue 26-Feb-13 01:03:01

The snarky bitches that make this kind of comment to me are always on some diet or another. They've been following theirs since Xmas and its all they can talk about. I've been watching what I eat, been sensible, odd treat/massive pizza/drinking session and I've still lost more than them (not that I've said a word of course smile )

those sort always get run over jogging before they make it to 50.

anonymosity Tue 26-Feb-13 01:48:57

YANBU she sounds a patronizing cow.
Why did she have to ask what you'd bought? Sounds like she had that laugh lined up, whatever your response might be.

Ask her if she has an eating disorder, or is OCD, it might explain her obsession with you.

Kytti Tue 26-Feb-13 02:37:08

Hmm.... bit of both.

I have a friend who would do this, but that's because we're really close. I don't eat like she does, I can so see her doing this. I would retort with something like, "well, you're just a freak who eats pea-shoots" or something. But then again, like I said, we know it won't insult each other. I have a VERY thick skin. (Must be all that pizza.)

Perhaps your friend doesn't realise she's upset you that much? Have you tried telling her? She might be mortified if she realises she's caused you to feel bad.

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Tue 26-Feb-13 02:39:21

Tell her to Google "Orthorexia"

znaika Tue 26-Feb-13 02:51:44

I think I must have read a different op. Where was she a bitch? She said the pizza crust would keep everyone warm- how is this bad or upsetting in any way? You bought coke and she bought fruit and she laughed about it, like, laughed with a friend- what a cunt, eh?

DixieD Tue 26-Feb-13 08:45:45

Yes znaika I am readig the same OP as you. I don't see anything really like judginess in the OP. She said at lunch time that she'd like some vegtables. Whats wrong with that? Or are you only allowed express a preference if it is for unhealthy food?
She went along without complaint to a pizza place even though it probably wouldn't be her choice. She ate there. Don't see the crime in leaving the crust. She was full so she stopped eating, surely thats fair enough. The comment about the grease was just an observation and she included herself in it. She didn't criticise or judge, just said that will keep us all warm.
As for the laugh, well maybe that could be interpreted as judging. But equally it could be anything. My mother often laughs at strange times. She nearly uses it as punctuation. I wouldn't interpret a laugh as implied criticism tbh.

TheFallenNinja Tue 26-Feb-13 08:47:22

Diet police are worse than ex smokers sometimes.

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 26-Feb-13 08:54:15

Pizza places do great salads; she didn't have to eat a pizza! Her choice. Just ignore her.

Whocansay Tue 26-Feb-13 08:54:51

I'm another one who gets annoyed by the diet police. The best way to annoy them is to weigh less than them. They hate that. Especially if you eat really unhealthily whilst you're with them!

I also hate restaurants who put the number of calories contained in each dish on the menu. It totally spoils what should be a treat.

Whocansay Tue 26-Feb-13 08:56:53

FYI BlackholesAndRevelations when eating out, you usually find that salads are worse for calories than many other things on the menu as they contain a lot of cheese / mayonnaise / dressing. Caesar salad is particularly evil as it has cheese / croutons / bacon / dressing. But it is very tasty!

Theicingontop Tue 26-Feb-13 09:02:28

She's probably far more into it than you think. I have a friend who's constantly critiquing other peoples' food choices, and she recently admitted she constricts herself to 1000 calories a day. Now to me, that suggests some sort of eating disorder, especially seeing as she's already quite thin. All these comments she'll come out with are just an extension of her own obsession, and not meant to belittle us in any way, or so I believe. It's just that controlling her food is her whole life.

But yanbu. She should learn to reign it in, and if she feels superior to you, learn to keep quiet about it so you can enjoy your food in peace.

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 26-Feb-13 09:04:12

If you are clued up on healthy eating you can avoid the high fat salads! There is a delicious one in pizza express with roasted veggies and a balsamic dressing. I think if the op's friend is that bothered about pizza, she could have found a healthy alternative. Mmmmmmm.......... <hungry>

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 26-Feb-13 09:05:09

healthier alternative (nothing that unhealthy about a carefully chosen pizza, either!) mmmmmm.... Pizza......

Quodlibet Tue 26-Feb-13 09:08:02

But you are judging what she eats! Why are you paying attention to whether she eats the crusts or not? Why are you so oversensitive about your food choices?

I find it odd that it's so common that someone will say 'oh I could murder a biscuit' but if someone says they fancy some vegetables they are being a bitch and doing it on purpose to wind other people up about their food choices. If you are someone who prefers healthy food you quite often find yourself damned by other people who think that your food choices are a comment on theirs, in my experience.

3monkeys3 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:13:27

Pizza is actually quite balanced and healthy if you choose your topping carefully and gave a thin crust! I love coke! It's much healthier not to obsess and have some treaty things time to time anyway, so you're probably the healthier eater (that's my justification anyway).

choceyes Tue 26-Feb-13 09:19:23

Wouldn't bother me OP, it just sounds like friendly banter to me. I don't think your friend was being that mean at all, I agree with znaika and DixieD, although only you can judge the manner of your friend.
I eat healthily 90% of the time and eat a fair amount of sugary foods too, cakes, chocs, buscuits etc. But I need veg or salad with a main meal, I don't know why, but I just can't stomach a meal without veg or salad. If I was told to just eat the meat and carbs, I'd find it difficult to plough through without having veg or salad to accompany it. Maybe your friend it like that?

24joy Tue 26-Feb-13 09:25:21

It sounds like you are the one being sensitive tbh. What she said/did sounds like a non-event. Are you touchy about your weight?

I dunno, I fail to see where she was rude or annoying. She made a joke about the grease from the pizza keeping you all warm and then laughed when you bought a coke.

Nowt rude about that!! I think you are being over sensitive. Do you ever moan about your weight to her?

Chandon Tue 26-Feb-13 09:35:25

I cannot see her as being rude,

Just see the OP and her own insecurities?

And am baffled by the aggressive responses on her towards the friend...jeez, so many on here who are very very touchy about food.

Is saying that you fancy some vegetables fattist now?

Theshriekingharpy Tue 26-Feb-13 09:36:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo Tue 26-Feb-13 09:39:17

I agree that there was nothing overtly judgy about her behaviour in the OP - leaving her crusts is surely not really anyone else's business and laughing is, in itself, not really anything to get offended about. Is it possible that you are feeling a little sensitive or insecure about your weight or your diet? I can't really see any reason that you would interpret her behaviour as 'judging' you otherwise.

Quodlibet Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:48

That's another one that is always been thrown at people who eat healthily - we are 'obsessing' over our food choices - the logic being 'they didn't have a biscuit/cake/coke so they must be locked in a battle of denial and really miserable'. It's not always true I'm afraid - some people just don't like that stuff. If you don't habitually eat a lot of sugar a coke can taste really unpleasant, same with overly greasy or salty food. Quite possibly the friend hasn't given it a second thought; its the OP who is obsessing about what they respectively chose and what it means. Who knows if the friend feels superior? There's a lot of presuming she does - but that's just as likely to be other people projecting their insecurities.

Otherworld Tue 26-Feb-13 10:28:44

You are being unreasonable by over reacting to a fairly harmless couple of statements.

Is she really a friend. Someone you like?

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Feb-13 11:49:04

Making negative comments on other people's food is always rude, I think EXCEPT: people who constantly moan about weight, diets, willpower etc but continue to eat unhealthily do test the patience and then a small comment about it is forgivable. Monitoring other people's food intake for them is super-rude.

If your friend though pizza was greasy, she should have ordered something else. And why bother asking you what you bought? She got fruit, you got coke, everyone was happy. Equally, unless she does this relentlessly I don't think it is worth getting cross about. Ignore.

mamapants Tue 26-Feb-13 11:59:49

Wow was so confused on the first page with everyone saying your friend sounded like a bitch. Can't see any rudeness or judginess tbh. She made a joke about the pizza that's all. I feel sorry for her if you pick on everything she says like that. I can't see that she was mean at all.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:03:48

I'd like somewhere where I can get vegetables normally, but I wouldn't like to unduly restrict or comment on someone else's choices of food. I don't find the comment about the grease offensive though - surely just a normal thing to say? But laughing at the coke is a bit off.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:05:13

Also I don't think it's weird to leave the crust on the pizza. I sometimes find it too dry to eat and would rather eat the middle with the nice topping if I'm getting a bit full. It isn't obligatory to overstuff yourself.

I never moan about my weight, I could probably do with losing a stone or two but after having triggered a bout of all consuming OCD while on weight watchers, a few years ago, I've got to the stage now, where I just think lifes too short to be worrying about what I eat.
So I was pissed off and slightly hurt the other day, when I overheard my mum and sister bitching about how much I and a cousin eat and 'the quality of 'the food we consume.
I actually think for the most part my diet is healthy, I just sometimes have a tendency to over indulge my sweet tooth.
Anyway commenting on what people eat, in my book, is the height of rudeness!

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 12:16:21

I don't see anything particularly offensive about her behaviour. She remarked that the pizza was greasy (which pizzas often are) and just laughed when you said you'd bought a bottle of coke (as opposed to making disapproving comments or a cats bum face).

Also, if she said she wanted some vegetables why did you choose a pizza restaurant?

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:10:35

Wow this thread is funny, and my eyes have been opened to people jumping on the bandwagon.

I'm not going to drip-feed, there was 4 of us and we only had two choices of where to eat. It was a restaurant where it was very cheap (water, food, salad and dessert (apples/yoghurt) all for £5.00.

One line there was pizza and the other we had no idea. Each of the three people said "Oh I don't mind which one we eat" and then they all said "you decided". No idea what was in the other line so I chose pizza and the other two seemed happy with it.

We all had a side salad and drank water with our meal. The pizza had olives, pepper and onion so not disgustingly unhealthy.

I'm not obsessive or insecure about my food, I just don't like people making me feel bad for what I want to eat.

I don't care that she likes vegetables. That isn't an issue and I'm not sure why people are making it one. I would never feel the need to comment to her on what she eats.

I shouldn't have mentioned that she left the pizza crust though as it's not relevant - so I was being unreasonable for that.

But yes bandwagon wow...

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:11:36

In what way are people jumping on the bandwagon? Some people have agreed with you, some people have not. That's all.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 13:14:32

Those types really annoy me. She was being selfish and rude behaving like that when out for a meal. And so silly and childish. You have the right idea. Healthy eating most of the time and a few treats sometimes.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:17:00

I think you've taken her comments a bit more personally than they were meant, OP, unless there is more to it. I don't particularly see a problem with them to be fair, apart from perhaps laughing at the Coke.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:21:23

I don't see why commenting about pizza being fatty and keeping you warm, or not eating the crust indicates she was bothered about eating it.

God, hate to think about all the times I've said/done similar and have horribly offended my friends by leaving something on the plate hmm

BamBam21 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:26:40

Personally, I have never uttered the words, "I fancy some vegetables/salad/fruit", and would be a bit confused at anyone who did, because I would rather have pizza/pie/chocolate. It explains my svelte physique!grin I wouldn't think someone was being rude if they said it though, as long as they let me eat my pizza/pie/chocolate in peace.

BegoniaBampot Tue 26-Feb-13 13:28:59

Are the bandwagoneers those who thought you were BU or NBU?

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:33:35

Begonia It started off with the majority saying I wasn't BU. That yes it's rude to comment on what people eat. If she wants to be healthy 100% of the time she can, but should understand others are not the same.

Then one person disagreed and the rest of the comments that followed were that I was BU.

People can read back and see for themselves.

Now I have mentioned the bandwagon there is a more mixed response.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:34:07

Well I have used it, BamBam, as I love vegetables, and really notice if I don't have enough, especially on holiday or after Christmas.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:37:01

But, apart from laughing at the Coke, was anything a comment on what other people eat?

I've heard people call others fat, jokingly, for having a large portion or something like cake, but it doesn't seem to be in that league.

BegoniaBampot Tue 26-Feb-13 13:41:31

Bodie - so the majority who started off saying YWNBU were bandwagoneers too then?

BamBam21 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:48:40

Oh that's fine fillyjonk, and I wouldn't criticise anyone else who wanted something healthy to eat. It works both ways, and it's rude of anyone to comment. FWIW I don't think the OP shows any particular rudeness from the friend, but perhaps it's just the latest in a long line of wee digs that the OP is picking up on.

Quodlibet Tue 26-Feb-13 13:52:39

You are being ludicrous about the bandwagon OP. Some people agree with you, others won't. Lots of people add to the thread without necessarily reading through all the responses. Allow other people to have their own independent opinions!

I don't see that she's 'commenting' on what other people eat any more than you are commenting on her food choices. If someone actually says 'I think that food you are eating is grim and I wouldn't touch it' that's one thing, but she didn't say anything like that. I don't think it's unreasonable to comment on food you have both eaten, is it? Asking what you got and laughing is either making light conversation or a deeply judgemental critique of your food choices, depending on the way YOU interpret it. I honestly think you've blown a couple of things she said out of all proportion and that it says more about your own food insecurities than it does about her being judgemental.

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:54:21

OP by the time I came to this thread there was already a page or so of comments. I read the first lot with bewilderment wondering why I was the only one who thought you WBU. Then I saw, with some relief, that other people were giving a YABU reply. I was not jumping on any bandwagon. You could just as easily say that the first respondent said YANBU, and everyone else jumped on that bandwagon until someone had the courage to disagree.
Seriously, its a ridiculous comment. If someone disagrees with me and any other posters concur then they're all just 'jumping on the bandwagon'. hmm

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:58:15

People who spend a lot of time on self denial really find it hard to see other people not doing the same, it becomes a moral issue.

It's not just food either - for a case in point, get over to style and beauty and read the thread where a woman has £800 to spend on a handbag, amongst the suggestions for bags there several woman who felt the need to comment that they can't imagine ever spending that much on something just for themselves, that it's wasteful, why not get a £50 bag and give the rest to charity or spend it on a family holiday, not just something for you .

It's not enough that they make this choice, they have to comment and point out the alternative choice is wrong. That they are morally superior. Food is very similar to a lot of people, language about 'good' and 'bad' foods, 'treats' etc just feeds this view that it's about what a good person you are as well as fuel for your body.

Another possibility is that if you are fatter than her, it could be she sees you as her fat friend, the one she can use to inspire her self restraint (eat like OP, look like OP) and she keeps you around as someone she can feel better than.

If you are thinner than her, it could be she can't help commenting because she wants to look like you but while she's denying herself the 'treat' food, you aren't and still are better looking, her comments come from an internal dialogue that "it's not fair".

Otherworld Tue 26-Feb-13 14:00:38

It's an interesting point. Like atthewelles I read the first page of comments thinking am I the only one who thinks you are over reacting.

So, I decided to add my thoughts because (in my opinion) you are over reacting. It's not bandwagoneering.

mamapants Tue 26-Feb-13 14:12:49

I don't think anyone is saying that its ok to rudely comment on what people are eating, what we 'bandwagoneers' are saying is that we can't see that your friend did comment snidely on what you were eating. The only thing that might be construed that way is laughing about the coke but I'm not convinced you aren't reading more into that than there was since apparently saying you fancy veg is some kind of slur against you.

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