To feel a bit upset that my friend has not invited me to her wedding?(277 Posts)
We've known each other since we were 11 and stayed good friends. I met her fiancee on a train which got delayed, we talked for hours, stayed in touch and a few years ago I introduced them and 10 months ago they got engaged.
This evening I spoke to her and she told me that she's decided not to invite me to their wedding in April as she only wants a small one. Fair enough but given she's invited all her work colleagues and quite a lot of our other friends and their families AIBU to feel somewhat upset and wonder if there is another reason she's decided to leave me out
YANBU to feel upset and confused. I was going to say that she can invite who see wants, but this does seem very odd, especially if she actually said "I've decided not to invite you" that is quite strange. I guess whether she is BU depends on how she told you and how you found out who the other invitees are...
I would be tempted to say "Look I am hurt not to be invited but I respect your choice completely, I just hope it's nothing I've done" that may give her a chance to explain better?? That could help if the wedding is still a long way off... if it's imminent, say nothing.
I suspect though that if you say nothing the friendship will suffer even more.
I already knew quite a lot of people who'd been invited because some of them had phoned me wanting to make plans for it. They assumed I'd be invited I assumed I'd be invited. She says she told me because one of our other friends had said it was odd I hadn't been invited and assumed the invite had been lost in the post.
The more I think about it teh more upset I feel. I'm going to have to ask her what it is I've done because I've no idea
Maybe she is weird about the fact you met her fiancé first?! Not saying its right or anything and she sounds really nasty not inviting you but is there some jealousy from her! Are you married or were you interested in her guy when you met him?! He you?!
She sounds like she is not worth it.
That's so sad. I think you will have to confront her, because there must be a reason.
there isnt a person in the world who wouldnt feel hurt by this OP. its her wedding and her choice who she invites but it sounds like you are one of her oldest friends and to not include you is really very sad. are you sure she has invited all these other people? i would have a frank conversation with her. tell her that you thought your friendship was more than just casual and that now you feel excluded. you can hardly discuss her plans for the day with her when you are not included and this is likely to be her only topic of conversation when the wedding is really near. Respect her choice but realise that if you arent invited and remain unhappy about it that your friendship will have changed. perhaps she doesnt fully appreciate this or perhaps this was her "moving on" better to know where you stand but try and do it calmly and keep emotion out of it as much as you can. the same thing happened to me - whirlwind romance by a friend i used to spend every other weekend with going out etc. the first i knew of it was when i met her partner over dinner and he told me that they were getting married quickly probably within the next month. i handled the discussion with her badly and she ended up screaming that i was her old life - single, lonely etc - and he was her new and she wanted to keep the two apart. Mission accomplished because we only spoke twice after that. sad but ultimately she got what she wanted from it. good luck Op.
how mean, and how very odd :-/
really hope you get to the bottom of it! in the meantime try not to worry to much but make sure you tell all other friends that would have expected you to be going that your not being invited!
I am thinking some weird jealousy thing too. You are a very old friend who introduced her to her fiance, seems very strange that you arent invited.
Do you and him keep in touch as you used to, or has that tailed off too? I agree with the PP that this is about the fact that you and he are/were friends.
I rather suspect that whatever you do or say to her now, you will not see much of her from now on and nothing at all of him.
I would send them a gift & a card saying good luck & you understand need to keep guest list small etc. It could be that her partner doesnt know that you haven't been invited, just that you have declined. There is something else going on & something similar happened to me & I was invited to attend as someone elses' plus one. I maintained my dignity & refused & to this day dont know why I was treated like that. I chose to let the friendship drift which is a shame as she lost more than me, her marriage & lots of friends.
Her fiance had a thing for you at first mefinks and the has issues with that. She doesn't want to be second prize on her big day.
I'll stick a broom up me arse and cartwheel naked down the M6 if i'm wrong which i'm not.
Redhot that was my first thought too.
He may not have admitted it to you but could have confided in her.
It is hurtful but she must have her reasons, unless there's more to the back story.
I think that too.
Yanbu to feel hurt.
Dump the bitch. <unhelpful>
Yanbu that is very hurtful, I would back off from the friendship if she sees you like that. Yes mabey her do had a thing for you and it's jealousy
Yanbu I would feel hurt too.
I would confront her. Say the wedding is clearly not that "small" if she's inviting colleagues and ask to know the real reason. Tell her you're not a fool so not to treat you like one.
As others have suggested, could it be that her fella originally had a crush on you, or you on him? That could explain things.
Either way, unless she takes some drastic action I think you need to accept she's not a good friend and move away from her and focus on better friends from now on.
YANBU, that's unbelievably strange.
Poor you, I'd feel left out too. However, I don't think that confronting her would be helpful. She's made her decision and surely you don't want to be begging for an invitation? She's not likely to back down and invite you.
I think you should say as little as possible. If anyone asks, you could say you were a bit surprised not to be asked, but you appreciate that numbers are limited. Be gracious and dignified and rise above it.
I'd suggest you treat yourself to go away and do something else that weekend with other friends, to distract you.
Then drift away. Sadly, the friendship is clearly less important to her now. Unfair, unjustified etc, I get all that (I really do, have been in your shoes), but I think "You didn't invite me, what have I done wrong?" is passive aggressive. It takes 2 to save a friendship & you can't do it on your own.
On this site, I often see people recommending you clear the air by asking "Why .......? What have I done?" I have rarely (or never?) seen people saying that they had that discussion and it resulted in a good outcome
I agree justmyview I would not be able to confront and beg for an invite. Mabey if you feel she is such a good friend I would talk to her about your feelings in a discreet and non confrontational manner. Then just drift away, she obviously does nt hold you in these regard as you do her
I think that's awful. How could you not invite the person that brought the two of you together who is an long-term friend over work colleagues?
There is obviously a reason for this, it's too unusual. But I wouldn't bother asking. Not inviting you to her wedding is a BIG thing which means there is a BIG thing behind it and you'd know what it was if you'd actually done anything that sufficient to find yourself excluded.
I agree - take yourself away for that weekend. If people ask, you tell them you weren't invited and have no reason why. And have absolutely nothing to do with that ex friend again.
I clicked on this thinking, her wedding, her rules.
You are so NBU. I'd be very hurt, too.
What to do? The fact that she fronted you and said you weren't invited is pretty plain. Send her a card: best wishes, etc. Take yourself away for the weekend. Take care of yourself, as I don't think you'll be hearing from her any time soon.
YANBU, how mean.
Could you ask the fiancé? Are you still on good terms with him?
if she is jealous of you as redhot says this will also wind her up, muahahaa
YANBU to be upset, but there's nothing you can do. Chances are you won't ever get the truth of the matter. I would stop returning her calls. She is no longer your friend and further contact will only hurt you.
She's not a nice person to snub you so publically. So, no great loss.
I agree with RedHot
She knows her fiance liked you first
I agree with the others who've said it's very odd but not to ask why. I'd just distance myself from her and get on with my life. It will be her loss.
I never thought of him having a crush on me I certainly do not have one on him though I enjoy his company and we share some interests. I have been with Dp for 13 years and we have 2 children so I am not available anyway!
will rise above it. rather sad though
YANBU - very hurtful. I don't think I'd ask either. Nor would I waste money going away the weekend they're getting married just to cheer myself up. Nor would I buy them a present.
I would send a nice card though. And, yes, I would be gracious and dignified when asked about my lack of invitation.
Drift away...well away from this sort of person.
She is clearly jelous that he liked you first.
I'll bet you get a hen invite from her!
When I was in Uni I had a lovely male friend. Loads in common but definitely no attraction between us. I introduced him to a friend of mine and they hit it off straight away. Within weeks she totally dumped me. She clearly didn't like the fact that I had history with him, even of a non-romantic nature.
That was it - I was totally excluded and lost two friends because of it. Never match made again. I think your situation might be similar. Maybe she feels since you introduced them that having you at the wedding would take some of the limelight away from her.
YANBU. I'm afraid in light of the situation, I'd have to dump her. And no asking her why or sending her a card/gift - WTF? Just don't contact her anymore. If she asks why, tell her, but otherwise, just move on without her in your life.
YANBU, but drift apart.
I was going to say she might be tight on numbers with you being a odd one out, not knowing anyone in the groups she has invited, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case. Is there someone she would have to invite if she invited you, that she might not want to? I was left out of one wedding invitation for that reason (explained up front to me), then the couple were able to sneak me in when someone dropped out freeing a space (but by not originally inviting me they had avoided offending others iyswim).
DH and I were VIP guests at a wedding a few years ago as the bride and groom had got together through DH. This is despite the fact that we weren't friends or even close as such, it was through business. I have only seen them once since.
So, I would be upset too if I were you. It sounds as if there is more to it, especially as she says she has decided not to invite you. I'm not sure I would ask why I wasn't invited though, people get so funny when weddings are involved.
When people ask why you're not going, just say you weren't invited and leave it at that.
You're better off without a person like this in your life. YY, just drift off.
IMO RedHot has it in one up there. ^^
Poor you. How horrid!
I'd let her get on with it. No card or gift from me. Close the door on the whole episode. There is no point in investing any more emotional energy in it. Even if you asked her for her reasons you probably wouldn't get the honest answer so why waste your time?
Rise above it. She obviously doesn't deserve you.
I have had similar, the bride to be spoke to me of all her plans, the hen do, the wedding etc, so I believed I would be invited. Didn't happen, no invite to either. At the time I was upset but soon realised that she wasn't a friend and in hindsight she never had been, I was just someone that could she could look down on and make her feel good. I have never asked her why, there was no point because she would never tell the truth.
I think you need to accept that this relationship was not what you believed it to be. YANBU to be upset.
Oh dear, dear , kind, naive op.
He so bloody did like you first, maybe he told her he was madly in love with you at first. ?? In fact, I think if you'd made any indication you were interested he'd have dropped her like a hot brick, probably still would.
You should of course stay in touch with your male friend, if only to piss her off
I'd be upset at that too. I agree that he probably had feelings for you and she doesn't like it.
It's a bit pathetic really. I invited DHs ex to our wedding evening do, had no reason not to.
YAnbu to be upset. Send a card and bow out - she's been rather daft excluding you as the mutual friends are already talking about you not being invited. Don't worry, it's her issue and she's the one who'll suffer when some tipsy person asks why you aren't there! Particularly during the bit of the speeches where they talk about how you met...
That is absolutely horrible. She must have realised how hurt you would be. I agree with others though. Don't ask her (tempting as it might be). It will only sound desperate and to be honest you probably wouldn't want to go anyway now. The damage has been done and I can't believe she doesn't know that.
This happened to my DP when EVERYONE else in her team at work was invited to a colleagues wedding (a colleague that she thought of as a good friend). DP was so hurt. It was also embarrassing too as everyone else was asking her about it and she just had to say "I'm not invited". There must have been some reason why she was left out but she never found out. To be honest she never felt the same way about that colleague/friend again.
When I said I would confront her, I didn't mean confront her to try and get an invite, I just meant I would confront her to let her know I am not so stupid as to actually believe I am not invited because it's a 'small' wedding. If it was a friend I valued I would expect a genuine explanation as to why I was not invited.
To be honest, even if she did change her mind and invite me after I'd confronted her, I would politely decline anyway.
Agree with other posters - spend all the money and time you would have spent on the hen do and wedding doing something nice for you and try not to dwell on it.
However I do also kind of agree that maybe it's best to just rise above it, stop contacting her and get on with your life.
If she contacts you and asks why you've not been in touch, just be honest.
Don't send her a card! WTF would you send someone who behaves like a fecking nob a card?
Just drift off and move on.
I wouldn't even bother sending her a card to be honest. What a complete and utter cow, and I'd be really tempted to let her now how upset you are and then let he friendship drift.
Agree, I would not send a card or present. There is rising above it and there is being treated like a door mat. Agree with kissingKitty though, if she does contact you be honest.
Dont send her a card. Distance yourself from her. Her loss entirely.
Actually, it makes me wonder how she 'sold' the idea, of not inviting storm, to her fiance?!
Id see it as something like this meaning the end of our closeness maybe even friendship, therefore Id.have nothing to lose in speaking to her about it.
The fact that all of your mutual friends have not only been invited but have also said ita odd that you arent gives you reason enough.
Red is right, btw. Guarantee it.
What a horrible situation, OP.
Although many people have said not to 'confront' her about it, I think I would have to. Like KKK said, NOT in a begging for an invitation way (sod that) but because I would have to know why. If I didn't know why I think it would always bother me and maybe I'd even think 'what did I do wrong?' So if I were you I would ask in a non confrontational sort of why and THEN move on. Damned if I would send a card though!!
YABNU. A small wedding is one thing, but to invite other non-close colleagues and friends but not you is just mean, given the circumstances of how you met.
Thanks again. The more I think about this the more upset I am. When they first got engaged she even said she wanted dd to be a bridesmaid. Thankfully I never told dd as i know how upset she'd be if that was taken away from her.
I never noticed any kind of spark with her fiancee. I've got loads of male friends and friendship really is as far as it goes in the vast majority of cases. There are one or two I've got a slightly more "interesting" history with but he is certianly not one of them. Will just have to assume its the reason though - after all surely it can't only be DP that has such terrible taste in women
She wanted dd to be bridesmaid? WTF?
Definitely no card, unless she explains herself. (But don't ask her fgs - I mean if she comes to you unasked and explains to you what is going on).
In the circumstances, sending a card would be terribly passive aggressive.
my two pennorth - just step back.
don't bother with a card or gift. If she deigns to discuss with you the reasons why you aren't invited - then feel free to speak your mind.
yes Arbitrary it would be... which is probably why I'd send one with a lovely note about how happy I was to have introduced them in the first place and wish them a lifetime of happiness from a chance encounter on a train... but that would be wrong. Even wronger would be to send a gift of a lovely picture frame (containing a photo of the four of you, if you have one?)
Well, if you're going to be passive aggressive, you should do it in style!
What a cow! I wouldn't bother to send a card or present. Instead, spend the money on a treat for you and your family. If anyone asks if you are going, just tell the truth - she hasn't asked you. It says a lot more about you than it does her.
Agreed, Arbitrary, that's why I thought it would be nice to send her a lovely card, which she can keep with all her other wedding mementos , (although she'll probably throw it away).
I was all for ignoring her and moving on until the bridesmaid comment.
How old is your DD?
How regularly are you in contact with her? I mean - would you like go for lunch/coffee with her, do you live close by? Or is your interaction more random ie few times a year?
I wouldn't be able to carry on in a casual way with a person like that.
And - I think I would need to know WTF was up. If she is a good friend, has been for a while, and you think this is a real aberation.
I'd be sending her this email:
"Look, I'm afraid I find this whole thing a bit strange. I am very relieved that I didn't mention anything to DD in particular about being a bridesmaid. If there is something specific I've done to upset you, I would hope that we know each other well enough by now that you'd just say."
But if you're happy for the friendship to drift away then just leave it.
To be fair I did suggest my DP sent a card with a passive agressive message! I think actually she booked a couple of days holiday either side of the wedding weekend knowing that all her colleagues would be chatting about the wedding. She sent a quick chatty email to her colleague that was getting married before she left filling her in on a couple of work issues. Then in the P.S she wrote "Hope the wedding goes well...my invitation must have been lost in the post".
Needless to say she didn't get a response but made her point!
If the fiance fancied you, I think you would have known by now, she would have cut you off earlier/shown signs she had issues with it. I don't think that it would have gotten this far.
I think it's something else personally.
bobbi's idea sounds the best so far
How unkind. But I'm with Arbitrary and Frurola, lovely card for a lovely couple, so glad I was able to introduce you type of thing, and drop it off at the reception venue to be handed to the groom.
YANBU. How odd and horrid!
You're coming across as very dignifying too, wanted to tell you that
What a nasty piece of work, poor you.
I agree with pp about the jealousy aspect.
Send a telegram! Then she won't know about your wonderful passive aggressive goodwill wishes until the best man reads them out in front of everyone!
How have people reached the conclusion that her friend's fiance has a crush on her, and her friend is jealous?!
It's an idea I suppose...among countless others.
Bobbi that is genius!
Great idea Bobbi.
Dear X & Y, warmest congratulations on your wedding day. I am so proud to be able to say that I occupy a special place in your history - as the person who introduced two dear mutual friends all those years ago. It's so sad that I am not occupying a special place in the room with you now, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you both, and you truly deserve one another.
I think if she is a good, old friend, I would want to talk to her about it. I would send something, a note, and email (I personally would do note)
I would say that I have always thought we were good friends, and so was surprised to see that all her work colleagues were invited to the wedding and I wasn't.
Have I done something to offend upset you? If not then I was sad that she didn't value our friendship in the same way I did.
warning though, my mum always told me to be careful what you put in print!
YANBU. What a mean and hurtful thing to do. I reckon there must be another reason for not inviting you. Have you pissed her off somehow?
What about her fiancé? Doesn't he get a say? He was your friend before he knew her and he might want you to be at the wedding.
Pict I personally think that she is jealous of something, but wouldnt like to say what. Top of my guess list would be that the OP was friends with him first and therefore has "history" that the friend doesn't. Pathetic, but I have seen it happen quite a few times. My friend has a hatred of anyone who knew her DH before she did, male and female. Their wedding was a joke tbh, his family was only there because she had to allow them to be
If I was to contact anyone it would be the male friend. She may not have told him the whole truth as to why you are not invited.
Oh you poor thing. You have every right to be upset and you're most definitely NBU. I'd be so hurt in this situation. I also think that there's more to this than meets the eye: maybe the fiancé did / does have a thing for you? Or are you spectacularly gorgeous and she doesn't want to be upstaged on her wedding day? . Either way or whatever the reason I'd say that she most definitely has the problem and not you. Weddings are hard to organise; we have a huge family and there was no way we could have invited all our friends plus family to the whole of our wedding day so in the end we kept the meal etc to the bare minimum (still ended up 70+) and compensated by having a huge kick-ass party that we could invite all our friends to. But! In this instance I think she's being pretty unpleasant ("we decided not to invite you"). What's that about? Very unkind and not someone I'd want to be friends with! I'd be tempted to 'out' her and tell the friends who've been calling you to make plans exactly what she said!
In this situation, I'd assume that both bride and groom had decided not to invite me. And I'd distance myself from the pair of them.
So late finding this thread, anything I would have said has been uttered already but YANBU and whatever the reason, sadly I think this friendship has 'left the building'.
Gosh how upsetting. What did you say when she said she only wanted a small wedding (given you knew so many people who were going)? It's not so weird that she wouldn't invite you per se, more that she obviously did intend to and now doesn't. Have things cooled between you generally in the intervening time?
Definitely something odd going on here. Is she inclined to be the jealous, possessive type? Or the type who can very easily take offence and has people walking on egg shells around her?
I think I would just have no further contact with her. She sounds horrible.
OP, what did you say at the time, when she told you she'd (or they had?) decided not to invite you? It is quite an extraordinary thing for her to have said, and I was just wondering how on earth you responded?
No advice, sorry, other than that of course, as you know, YANBU. But difficult to manage to find out why without it looking as if you are begging for an invite, which you obviously are not.
But I'm finding the suggestion about her being jealous of your longer-standing relationship with her fiancé a bit mad, to be honest, if there isn't a scrap of evidence that is the case...
another to say to dump her
trim, first and foremost delete from FB as seeing her photos will make u feel shit
nayone who says your DD can be bridesmaid, then trim you and invite work ppl is not worth it
OK this is v immature, but DUMO her loike a hot potato as she has clearly dumped you
cowbag, you dont need her
peevish sadly while it is mad, it also happens. As I said I know several people like this who have no reason at all to feel that way. The friend I mentioned above loathes anyone who knew him before she did, including his family. She has been known to go postal about conversations about when he was a child because it is insensitive apparantly
He sees none of his old friends and barely any of his family. Go figure
There is certainly a back story to this which is why she hasn't invited you and you should find out what it is.
How incredibly hurtful of her. I too would be feeling really upset.
Agree with ladyharriet about the message though ideally I would want to meet face to face. If t was an acquaintance or colleague then I would leave it but not for someone I think of as a good friend and for such a long period. She'll probably make something up of courses and one way or another I doubt the friendship would ever be the same again it but I would want to have it out with her.
Forgot to add that isn't it weird about weddings bringing out the worst in some people?
Yanbu - of course she can invite who she likes but just as those who have childless weddings or marry abroad have to accept some people won't be able to come she has to accept that snubbing a true friend will have an impact on that friendship. The damage is done now - she is a fool.
The biggest snub is work colleagues coming over a lifetime friend who was instrumental in your relationship even existing!
YANBU. Nothing wrong with a small wedding, but to not invite the friend that introduced her to her fiancé.....if it wasn't for you then there would be no wedding. As others have said, it sounds like a jealousy issue.
YANBU. I would want to get to the bottom of it though.
No cards, no passive aggressive BS. Just delete her.
Actually expat Although I wrote that jokey PA 'telegram' I would never send it. I would do exactly hat you said. Delete, no discussion, walk away, never look back, good riddance.
I agree no passive aggressive stuff. I think most of us would want to send a telegram worded exactly like Fellatio suggested to your so-called friend, but Fellatio and others are right when they say delete these 'friends' from your contacts and walk away. If they treat you like this they're no friend.
"If I was to contact anyone it would be the male friend. She may not have told him the whole truth as to why you are not invited."
I was musing (upthread) about how the BTB 'sold' the idea, to her fiance, that she wasn't going to invite storm. But storm can't really contact her male friend about this, can she, Bogey? It will probably make things worse. (But IKWYM !)
I'd be all fuck you and ditch her no-friend-of-mine arse.
Who tells their 'friend' that they have decided not to invite them to their wedding?!
I guess the friendship isn't going to last if you just say nothing - you will feel hurt, upset and de-friended tbh. So why not just be upfront with her, say 'I know you said you were keeping it small, but I know that x, y, z etc are all going, and you've known them less long/are not as good friends with them. So what have I said/done to offend you?
People dont always reguard us in the same light as we view them
Also do you think deep down she thinks if you were single it would have been u and him
This often hapoens with friends the attached friend has a male mate who is awsome they then set them up with there bestie
The answer to that dilema is my husband say men dont keep inconatct with women in 90% of cases gay men exluded if they dont fancy you
A random man wont talk to you on a delaed train unless they think your hot simple i think there is more to this.
If you can deep down say if you hadnt made a pass at him before he and your bestie got together and he would of turned you down then i would say fair play but i very much doubut it
There is much more here
I would go for the passive aggressive card, but that's just me.
She sounds awful, I really feel for you OP. One of my friends from work and an old friend of DH's got together through us inviting them both to a party at ours and we were not only invited to the wedding, but personally thanked in the speeches! That's what ought to happen between friends. I know it must be very hurtful, OP.
This is hurtful for you, OP. Hard to know how to handle this one, i agree.
Just one small thing - i hope you don't mind, but i picked up on it in your post about your male friends:
"There are one or two I've got a slightly more "interesting" history with but he is certianly not one of them."
Was this before you were married then? Also, weather it was or not maybe this fact is adding to her worries?
Just thinking out loud.
Don't forget the bit where the BTB originally said that wanted the OP's DD to be her bridesmaid ... then ... totally ditched
Hold on people! How often do you see her or them? A small wedding once people bring kids can become very expensive very fast. And was it a 'yay I'm engaged, please let dd be my bridesmaid on Xx.xx.20xx or a few years ago kind of, awww dd should be my bridesmaid if I get married? Because I hba e friends I was close too, whose dcs might have been a part of my wedding, had I been planning one, but who now I hardly hear from. And vice versa.
YANBU. Drop her like a lead balloon. The numbers thing is bullshit if all these other people are invited. Whatever the reason behind it, I would just accept the message it sends and quietly walk away.
That's awful, I would have to ask her or her fiancé. I'm sure this all about her, nothing you have done.
She's not married to her partner, fluffy.
Nasty woman! If you can bear it, ask her why, just to be able to understand, then move on and forget the cow.
Not surprised you feel upset.
The people who introduced us got pride of place at our wedding.
We owe the a lot.
OP how awful. I agree with everyone who said drop and block.
Nothing says FU quite like an Oxfam giftcard for a wedding present
unless the receiver really likes them
Liking the Oxfam giftcard suggestion, Silver...
Maybe you could buy her a goat?
Hello again. Wow this thread has moved while Ive been busy dealing with real life.
She seemed quite serious about dd being a bridesmaid. At one point she even sent me pictures of the dress she had in mind.
The friends I have the "interesting history" with were mainly people I had brief relationships with when I was a student but stayed freinds with. As for me being hot I can assure you I'm colder than luke warm. Men are not crowding around me, chance would be a fine thing! I was with DP when I met this guy and had every intention of staying with him and still am.
ah well who knows. Life is strange. Thank God I did not get round to mentioning the bridesmaid thing to dd. LUckily she was away at my mums when it was all suggested and then there was so much to alk about I thought I'd tell her nearer the time
oh and I see her once or twice a month so not exactly daily but fairly frequently. Anyway don't think I'll be seeing her so much now
I would confront her and demand to know why you've been left out.
Then never speak to her again.
I'd confront her too! There's got to be something behind this! YANBU
She sent you photos of the dress? OP is there anything you can think of that may have upset her? I would just ask. It could be a massive misunderstanding. If she were that much of a cow bag would you really have stayed friends all this time? It is juvenile for her not to raise something that has upset her. Is she worth giving the benefit of the doubt!
Could you email her and say "DD is very excited about being a bridesmaid and she really likes the dress idea you emailed." That should make her squirm!
Or you could email the man and say "I've always liked you. It's not too late you know." I'm just joking of course. I'd not send a card or congratulate them at all and I'd delete them from Facebook and cut off all contact. No need to be a doormat.
Sorry this happened. I was dumped by someone i thought was a friend and i still get sad about it sometimes.
Just dump! Delete her on FB if you have an account. She rings, block her and then reject all her calls and texts. Block her on your email account. She wants to come round and show her face then tell her. But otherwise, good riddance to bad rubbish.
This is very odd, poor you. I'd be feeling really hurt too.
I'm just wondering if there hasn't been a misunderstanding of some sort (clutching at straws that someone could be so hurtful).
How did the conversation go after she told you you weren't invited? Was it her parting shot or did she go on to chat about other stuff?
If she really isn't inviting you, then I'd do as others have suggested and consider the friendship over - no card or any other acknowledgement. I would try to summon up the courage (not good with confrontation) and ask her outright. You've nothing to lose.
Very hurtful & strange & in your position I'd have to ask what's going on. What have other friends said when you've said you're not invited? Could anyone there shed any light on what may be behind it? I hope you find out what's behind it, at least to put your mind to rest. Good luck.
I wouldn't be able to not know why. Is there a mutual friend who can find out for you? If not I'd just ask her to be honest.
Storm, perhaps you are more beautiful than her and all the other invited girls. I have read somewhere that some brides are scared to be in the limelight of their beautiful friend.
You deserve to be her bridesmaid but she did not invite you at all. She sounds so insecure.
Hey, I have just found a funny post about ugly bridesmaids:
There is almost certainly jealousy at the root of this. It may or may not be that the fiance really did have a thing for the OP, but the bride thinks he does and/or is jealous of OP's place in his life. I have had a similar thing happen where a very old friend's fiancee cut a load of us long-standing friends, who knew him and his ex from way back, out - IMO because we represented a threat from that past life.
Sadly, I would bet that the fiance has either been brought on board with this, or has been given an ultimatum that 'OP must not be invited or the wedding's off' and has decided to go along with it for a quiet life. It is very, very hurtful but the only thing to do is move on. I would very much want to say something (did in my own situation) but be prepared to be blanked as I was.
Op how long since the bride mentioned about your dd being bridesmaid?
Certainly hurtful. Similar happened to me. Though it was a male friend, I was invited for sure as he spoke to me about me getting there (no longer live in the UK).
It got to near the date i knew the wedding was going to be around, and I hadn't got an invite so i emailed a mutal friend asking exactly when it was. His answer was "on xxxx. just three weeks. pity you couldn't make it"
Groom had told everyone i had been invited but declined! Saw the pictures a while after, everyone else was there, made me quite sad.
OK, thanks OP for shedding light on that. Sorry mixed up DP and DH
I was going to ask how long it is since the friend mentioned your DD being bridesmaid too. That part of this whole thing seems the most hard to fathom really. If this is a long standing insecurity about you and the fiance why on earth would she do that??
Can it really be about money? Keeping the cost of the wedding down? I think in your place i would feel the friendship was damaged by this - so it cant make matters much worse just to ask her outright
This would be a deal breaker for me.....Id still talk to her but would back right off and not make the contact. I'd also have no problem in saying I was hurt by this.
I myself that is very nasty, hope he an ex friend now
No op keep well away from her she is no friend. As you said in you op you were close friends tat you known since you were 11, not just acquaintances or fair weather friends
I think there is clearly some back story. My suggestions for it are:
He fancies you,she thinks he fancies you etc etc
He told her he'd like to have sex on a train,she now wonders how you spent all those hours.
You said something about the wedding that you simply didn't mean but she has taken spectacularly personally. Were you not super keen on the dress for dd? Were you not interested in every wedding detail?
I personally would send him an email & say you might turn up to wish him all the best at the stag night as you've obvs upset his fiancée. Mwahaha.
It does sound lie jealousy, mabey he drops you in conversation and tells her tat you are hot, even if he is joking that might be enough to make her jealous
Are you really not going to ask her at all?
Can't take the suspense...
So op what are you going to do
yanbu at all.
i am always a bit meh about wedding invites. i had a close friend who could only invite 20 people. it did not bother me in the slightest that i wasnt invited.
i have had friends/work colleagues who have or havent invited me. i have never been bothered in the slightest which way that goes- its like kids parties- you are unlikely to get invited to all.
however, i did have friend who i was pretty close to. we were sat on her bed doing her wedding plan. venues, menus the lot. The reception was for 120. she then told me that i was not invited "due to numbers". i said, if i am not in your top 120 people, what am i doing sat here, on your bed?" I literally never contacted her again, which might seem childish (i was a lot younger) but i think it was a very clear indication of where we both stood.
He told her he'd like to have sex on a train,she now wonders how you spent all those hours
Could this be the reason? Or, or, they were reminiscing about 'strangest place I ever had sex', and he recounted a story about a quickie on a train, and afterwards she wondered could it have been you and her fiance?
Unfortunately it can't only be about cost though fluffyraggies. The OP said that she had originally accepted the BTB's explanation that it was about keeping it small - until she discovered that other friends in their social circle were still invited .... and the BTB has invited a number of colleagues. And presumably the BTB didn't regard the OP as a 'random' guest, given that she wanted the OP's DD to be a bridesmaid as they've obviously had conversations about dresses within the last 10 months.
greenfolder, that's a story
Instead of presuming its because of a your previous friendship with the fiancé is there any chance it could be the other way round. She hasn't made a drunken pass at your DH in the past has she that she feels she's embarrassed and doesn't want him there. Nothing to actually do with you.....
Happened to me. One of my best friends of 25 years just didn't invite me to the wedding despite getting a save the date email. Other friends couldn't believe it so mentioned it to her in case the invite had been lost in the post. Nothing happened. Eventually 3 days before the wedding she emailed me on some false pretext and asked me ( probably because so many people had thought it odd). Surprisingly I couldn't go. I sent a present (cheques only of course). I haven't spoken to her since.
She was pissed off that after 8 years of trying I had had a baby. She was marrying a man who categorically didn't want kids and she herself had decided against but she was still jealous. 25 years of friendship down the tubes but I have never looked back. Upsetting as it was at the time it was like a burden lifted from my shoulders. Just move on she is not worth it.
This has reminded me of something weird at my wedding. One of DH female friends had a go at me at my actual wedding reception. She was very drunk, she was sick later. She ranted on how I had mucked him around before we got together, if I'm honest I did flirt with him. I think she thought I had manipulated him and forced him in to marriage. I am hardly Mata Hari btw.
They had gone on hols together and hung around a lot but nothing had ever happened. I also heard his Mother tell this friend she always thought they would get together, this was just before she had the rant at me. Mil is not keen on me as not good enough for her DS, this friend of DH was a Doctor so had status.
Anyway I suppose I am the equivalent of the bride in a similar scenario but was not bothered at all. Until she had a go at me.
We have been together for 16 years.
YANBU at all.
I've just come off a very nasty telephone conversation.
I dont want to go into detail but it appears she thinks I had sex with her fiancee the night after they got engaged. I most certainly did NOT a) he's not my type b) I wasn't even in the same country that night I was in Paris with DP and DD c) I love my dp and my family. She now accepts it was her misunderstanding and says someone else told her about it and she believed them over him and didn't even ask me. She started saying I coluld come to the wedding if I wanted but to be honest I'm so distressed I told her that she should seriously consider whether she can marry someone she obviously does not trust and put the phone down.
Absolutely shocked and hurt and
Really?! that's what's behind all this? stormforce10 that is shocking. She thought so little of the pair of you she believed this other person? I don't blame you for feeling sick.
Gosh that explains a lot. Good on you, stormforce, hopefully she will come to her senses, one way or another.
Oh my goodness storm tats . No I would not go to the wedding either, that's that friendship ruined. Tey certainly have issues and she should not be marrying him if she can't trust him.
Greenfolder you were quite right saying that to her, she needed to be told
Blimey - how awful for you that she thinks so little of you.
But if she believed this to be true then what the heck is she doing going ahead with the wedding anyway IYSWIM ?
As for the person who told her this - what a bitch/bastard. Quite obviously an out and out shit-stirring lie as opposed to any sort of "misunderstanding".
I've just been sick. I never believed people could be sick with shock but I jsut have been. She's texted me asking me to call her when I've calmed down. Right now I'm never calling her again
Oh my, have been lurking on this thread since reading it all in one go. I was for you then, now I'm for you! So she thinks you slept with her DF, and was perfectly happy to just write you out of her life and pretend nothing happened? And this is information she just accepted from someone else? What an idiot. You don't need her.
so sorry stormforce, what a terrible shock for you! Not surprised you have been sick. Can you take it easy today?
Do you have any inclination to thrash this out and try to save the friendship? Or would a clean break be better?
I must admit it's not very constructive but I would want to know who told her that story!
OMG that's just awful. She doesn't trust him, she doesn't trust you, she thinks you'd do the dirty on your DP - and her. And she's believed a load of twaddle from a nasty shit stirrer.
Poor, poor you
I hope that other person who 'told' her (ie fabricated whole thing) has kept their mouth shut since.
She was happy to throw the friendship away due to a gossiping Gloria, says how much she thinks of you
I'm so sorry, that is just awful.
Holy shit. That is just bloody awful, storm, I don't blame you for feeling as shaky as you do.
That's awful! But how did she carry on seeing you if she thought that was the case? Without saying anything? Bonkers!
I'd be wanting to know who it was who spread the lie and having a little word in their shell-like!
She thought her fiancé had slept with you and her response is not to invite you to their wedding?? What was her response to her fiancé then?? Bizarre.
Missed a whole load of the thread...sorry! Hope you're ok. Sounds to me like she's got trust issues with fiancé. Marriage won't last! At least you'll save money by not getting them a gift. Big hug!
Hope you are feeling OK. Take some time out and have a cuppa.
You have had a terrible shock.
If it were me I would make sure the world and his wife now knows the reason you have not been invited to this wedding (and I wouldnt go now out of principle)
She has behaved outrageously to you. You dont need her in your life. Ditch her.
good grief storm, with friends like that, who needs enemies!
it depends now on whether you feel this friendship is worth working on, but i'd pity her. she's been led to believe you & her fiance slept together, chose to believe gossip and cut you out but still go ahead and marry him. flip side of this is the gossip could be routed in truth, as in he's not been sleeping with you, but could be with someone else?
would love to know if she's inviting the person who told her all this!
What a wanker she is! I don't blame you for not wanting to speak to her ever again.
Wow! I can understand if you never want to speak to this woman again OP, but I'm afraid I'd have to try and find out who told her this lie so I could really tear a strip off them.
So she was ok after you had supposedly slept together to marry him but not have you at the wedding?
Head case. Remove her from your life .
i know exactly who it was and believe me when I've calmed down enough words will be said
going to leave this now and try to sort out other things. My house is a mess it needs sorting out. A lot of rubbish i need to get rid of
Were you and her fiance ever involved? Even a quick snog? You don't just say "I introduced her to her fiance", you say "we met on a delayed train and talked for hours, we stayed in touch, oh, by the way, later on I introduced them" which says to me that either there was more to it or it's always niggled at her that there might have been more to it.
She's being completely weird and rude about it and YANBU at all.
She sounds a total headcase
NotYouNaanBread have you read pages 6 and 7?
She didnt say a word to either of you about it but was still happy to marry him and ditch you?! Thats insane.
God love you at least you now know what she thinks of you.Id let her stew and only talk if and when you are ready
Storm that's awful. A good clearing out session will help you clear your mind and clarify things. Hugs.
My best friend pulled a similar stunt, she suddenly refused to be my chief bridesmaid and cut all contact. I invited her to the reception and she came and ended up being thrown out. It hurt at the time, but I know it was for the best now and in time you'll feel better to let this friend and the gossipy one out of your lives.
Lord, I would be dumping her pretty sharpish. Wouldn't even stop to discuss it with her. She is obviously extremely insecure, and wants a whipping boy - you in this case. You sound like you have a fab ? DP and DC. Focus on them.
She didn't believe her DF but was going to marry him anyway? She didn't talk to you about it or investigate these wild accusations?
I'm totally intrigued: What's the relationship between you and the person who told her, and what do YOU think his/her motivation was for telling this story? Do you think it's a complete fabrication from absolutely nothing, or is there something, anything that might have been misconstrued at some time to make this person feel certain enough to tell your friend what he/she had heard?
Oh Storm you poor thing! What a bloody nutter-does her DF know that he's meant to have been shaving around too or is he as in the dark as you were?
Don't contact her at all until you calm down and think about what end result you want here. Defo speak to your DH about thinks too-you don't want her dragging him into matters and misconstruing the whole situation.
She's the one going to pay for it long term. She's marrying a man she doesn't trust (whether he's guilty with someone else or innocent, it's going to impact on their relationship) - and she's lost a good friend.
I'd leave the ball in her court. If she's realised she's wrong, then it's up to her to repair your relationship. It's possible you could get over this but only if her actions now make you want to save it.
She can't be happy marrying a man she thinks has already cheated on her. It's up to her now to save your friendship. You need to decide if you want to let her try or if you never want to speak to her again.
Could be possible that the fiancee has indeed been shagging around with someone else, and the person who told the friend assumed it was the OP he was shagging.
Just as an aside, and I'm quite sure nobody cares, but there's a special circle in my hell reserved for women who ditch their friends for men who they know are shits.
Of course in this case he's not a shit, because he didn't have sex with you (we assume!), but as far as she's concerned, he did. So in her silly mind she's gone: friend and fiance had sex, I know how to solve this, I'll leave my friend hanging and carry on getting married to the deceiving shit.
Actually come to think of it: did she not check with him first that it was true? You'd think she'd want to do that...
Stephanie, OP says that the bride chose to believe the shit-stirrer over the groom, so he must know what she thinks and (unsurprisingly, since it's not true) denied it. I'm astounded he's willing to go ahead with the wedding when he knows she doesn't believe him (or perhaps she's told him she does believe him, and he doesn't know that OP has not been invited).
Oh you poor thing, that's fupped uck.
I would tear a strip off the 'informant' then ditch all three of them, informant, fiance and friend (there's clearly no loyalty or trust from her, is there?).
It was a bizarre reaction to believe it without asking you yet stay friends then pointedly exclude you from the wedding. And your point about the fiance is spot-on: why marry him at all in these circs?
It all sounds a bit odd to me. What normal person would want to marry a woman who's accused him of shagging her good friend and refuses to believe it didn't happen: yet will marry him anyway? Has he no self-esteem?
Have been lurking...I am glad you found out what was behind it, rather than sitting wondering for ever whether you had done something wrong. Now you know someone else was stupid, and she for whatever reason believed it.
You know her, you have liked and trusted her - when you've recovered, maybe you can give her a chance to apologise. There is presumably a reason why she behaved so stupidly, and I believe people should be allowed to make stupid mistakes occasionally - none of us are perfect. If she properly apologises your friendship may yet be saved.
You sound lovely btw, kind, humble, good friend. She is crazy to risk losing your friendship.
That is SO mad.
I think I would feel sorry for her. How could you be so despearte that you were prepared to marry a man you thought had slept with a friend???
But she isn't someone to be friends with any more. If she'd do that, you can't trust her and there is obvs something not right with her.
What a grade A arsehole.
Putting aside the spite of the person that's invented this story, can't the stupid woman work out herself that her DPs willy won't reach all the way to France?
I bet your house is super clean now though OP. injustice always powers me on.
Sooner or later people are going to cotton on that she's been so utterly unreasonable toward you. That wedding might be smaller than she thinks.
I reckon you shouldn't be quiet about this if it crops up in conversations. If people have been asking why you're not invited, then it's noticeable. It will also put the person who told your friend at a disadvantage if you make the accusation public, as so many people believe that old saying "there's no smoke without fire" and may be willing to assume that something did happen between you and the fiancee if you try to keep it quiet.
Wow just read this whole thread. So and for you.
Is this something that the BTB has heard recently, or has she been stewing on it for ages?
I would never have anything to do with her again.
I'm as confused as everyone else about you (possibly ex-)friend's reaction here. Utterly bonkers.
Why would you marry a man that you genuinely believed slept with someone else the night after you got engaged? It makes no sense.
Once you've done being angry at her for believing such nonsense, you will probably feel sorry for her. Her marriage is almost certainly doomed from the start and she's alienated a very close friend (who might have been a source of support to her as her marriage crumbled). She doesn't need a special circle of hell; her own life will be bad enough.
I was lurking earlier - was hoping it was just a thoughtless bridezilla problem but what a total shock. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
I can't believe her front in asking you to call "when you've calmed down" as if the problem is your overreaction. You would be quite justified in contacting the informant (as long as you're really sure it was that person), telling them exactly what you think of them, and then never speaking to any of them ever again. Life's too short to deal with shit like this.
I'm confused by all three of the people involved.
The friend believes you shagged her fiance: keeps fiance even though she doesn't believe him when he says you didn't, ditches you in this most roundabout way.
The fiance carries on with her even though she doesn't believe that he didn't shag you, and she's willing to end a friendship over hearsay.
The person who told her: why? why would someone do that to you?
(I have said all this down the thread: this is just a summary )
Yes, Stephanie. All complete madness. It makes no sense.
OP: say 'no' if you're ever invited on to Jeremy Kyle with these people.
There is a detail missing, mark my words
The pieces will fall into place when we know what it is.
(Just messing, stormforce10, obvs I think ditch the lot of them and be done.)
Please come back and tell us what happens with the person who told the lie.
Wow - I feel for you.
I think though you need to be back on the phone to both the (ex) friend and the tale teller and (very sweetly) suggest that if this untrue story ever reaches the public domain you can do much much worse....
I have just been on the receiving end of something similar, and smoke=fire. true or not. You need to frighten them both into full retraction and apology.
I can't believe this wedding is going ahead. The bride is willing to marry someone she believes has slept with one of her oldest friends. The groom is willing to marry someone who refuses to believe him when he tells her this isn't true.
And somehow, in the middle of all of this, the OP is being made to feel that she's done something wrong.
That pair need to sort themselves out.
Bloody hell, stormforce. That woman is no friend of yours and this is all completely nuts. Do you think maybe he has actually been unfaithful (only not with you)?
Well I'm really glad you found out what the issue is.
If it was me and she was a 'good' friend, I would call her and get together to discuss this.
It needs to be sorted out once and for all so you can all move on.
As for the person who told her this - she's the one who needs to be 'cut out'! Cheeky mare!!!
I hope it all works out - really I do!
If gossip monger is a woman,could it be her he might have been unfaithful with,and to cover her bare a*se she told your 'friend' it was you?? Why else would you do such a thing? <puts plot thickener back in cupboard>
OP. Any idea why this person might have such a grudge against you that they would tell this lie?
I only ask as you immediately knew who it was that told the lie
I've been lurking here, but just have to say how shocked I am.
I would suggest that you cut them both loose. She can't be much of a friend if she believes such gossip about her close friend, and I couldn't be friends with a bloke who cheats on his fiancee that night after the engagement
If gossip monger is a woman,could it be her he might have been unfaithful with
I dont think that it is that complicated tbh.
Some people just shit stir for the fun of it. They take 2 and 2, make 1374, take it as fact and spread it around. I used to work in a pub and honestly some of the chinese whispers-esque gossip had to be heard to be believed. You could easily go from Woman A complaining that her husband had gone to visit his over bearing mother again, to him having left her for another woman and they were having to sell the house, she was moving away blah blah, in a couple of days. I have seen it happen, and the devastation it caused. Some people really are that stupid that they dont consider what they are saying and what it could do to real people and real relationships.
Wow. Well done for finding out. Hugs.
What kind of fool would ditch the friend and go ahead and marry a suspected cheat?
And I thought that soap writers exaggerate when putting together drama plots.
Mm. So, I guess the next instalment would show that the lying gossip is actually the one who slept with the fiancé on said night and told the lie hoping to destroy wedding plus an annoying, rival friendship in one go. Oh, and pick up fiancé in the aftermath.
I couldn't be friends with a bloke who cheats on his fiancee that night after the engagement or ever. The OP didnt say that he cheated, she said that someone has gossiped that he cheated with the OP. Thats all she knows, apart from the fact that she didnt cheat with him.
Hi Ive been lurking also and read this whole thread, I feel so and for you.
Strange thought that she has only just decided to say anything and was quite happy to continue meeting up with the person she believed slept with her partner
I hope you are doing ok OP?
I'd tell her that since our friendship means so little she was willing to throw it away over a pile of crap, to consider us done, have a nice life. Goodbye.
And that would be it.
Blimey. Just blimey.
I hope you don't waste anymore time on her. She's obviously got her priorities all wrong.
I would however ensure any mutual friends knew why I wasn't invited to the wedding.
This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read. She thought you had slept with her fiancé and she was still friends with you? She was still going to marry him? And he didn't say anything to you after she talked to him about it?
Been lurking, purely because I didn't think there was anything constructive I could add...........until I've just updated myself on the situation. I'm appalled that you could be treated in such a shoddy way, she doesn't deserve a friend like you Stom.
I hope she's feeling as bad as she made you feel now.
It is really odd that she would continue to see you once or twice a month, thinking that you'd slept with her fiance.
Wow, I lurked the whole thread and now this! Wow, poor you op.
Try and calm down, take afew days to mull it over and do nothing till then.
I understand that you are LIVID though, I would be too, and so so hurt.
Wow - wasn't expecting that to come out of the woodwork!
Step away from the crazy woman, Stormforce - and if you are sure who the shit-stirrer was, then just send a very brief, venting comment to them and then forget them too.
What a mess! Can't see that marriage lasting long if that's how it's going before they even get married. <<shakes head>>
That's awful! I'm also amazed that she's marrying this guy if she thinks that he slept around the day after they got engaged and takes somebody else's word for it. I feel sorry for him actually!
I hope that you get shot of her, people like that are not worth having in your life.
I only got up to page 4, so sorry if I'm just repeating what others are by now, but when you mentioned that she hates any mention of [the groom's] past, it all clicked for me. She's a control freak, and it won't be long before we're seeing him here in the Emotional Abuse section with a thread headed something like "DW cut off all contact with my past..."
Somebody like your alleged friend is never going to get that you or any other woman can be simply (I never say "just") friends with a man or vice versa.
Keep us updated on what you said and her reaction? (again, if this is mentioned on page 9, I apologise for the cross-posting!)
why would you consider marrying someone if you thought they shagged someone else the day after you got engaged?
Whoops, I realise the thing I'd read was actualyl bogeyface's old friend.
I was about to post about that Marina!
See, I don't think she heard any rumour , I think its her own paranoia talking and that's the bullshit she fed you abduction no doubt him as an excuse for her looniness!
Wow, finally caught up!
Glad you confronted, storm, and keep up the good work: do your damnest to make sure people know the truth about the lies.
And I agree with the "special circle of hell" comment - that also happens all too often!
Wow this is terrible.
It's horrible when you realise a friend thinks so little of you.
Fuck her op she's a cow.
(sorry for my completely random & irrelevant post above - thread was on my screen when I opened laptop earlier & forgot to refresh before posting)
Absolutely shocked for you!
You must be gutted that a so called friend could think this of you
No answers apart from hold your head high and don't let the nasty people who spread these rumors and your friend who believed them get you down.
Well. It just shows how little she thinks of you, doesn't it?
Even more reason to dump her now, imo. That she was so ready to believe that of you.
And believing that you'd slept with him - she was still marrying him?
have been following this topic but never expected today's development. Colour me skeptical. The bride's story conveniently changes her role from spiteful and petty to victim-of-betrayal. Yet she hasn't been behaving as a betrayed person. She was called to account and came up with a story. Then she wanted you to calm down. However, if the person in the role of Gossip bears out this story, I will be surprised and educated again.
In any case, this person is unfortunately not even marginally a good quality friend. She has probably told her fiance that you were invited and have declined (a variation on iMyself's experience) and perhaps even told a story that you declined rudely and/or cruelly refused to let your dd even be a flower girl. I'd put money on it.
Here is my tip based on experience. Think back over your long friendship. Does your friend have certain shortcomings that you have accepted and not judged previously and have not previously impacted you - but now those shortcomings are directed against you? Have you witnessed her being manipulative, untruthful in a cowardly way, excuses, play the victim, insecure and spiteful?
She seems foolish. By not properly inviting you and refusing to honour generously your role in bringing them together, she reveals herself and the subject will be talked about by all your circle. Most people will draw the same conclusion RedHot and so many of us have drawn.
stormforce you are a good, generous, kind friend and your friendship should be valued and would be by sensible people. Wishing & knowing you will have better friends in future.
I wouldn't let a shit stirring gossip ruin the friendship - it obviously means something to her if she hasn't mentioned her suspicions - the gossip needs to be sorted out!
I would love to know what fiance makes of all of this - if indeed he has a clue whats going on.
I wouldn't let a shit stirring gossip ruin the friendship - it obviously means something to her if she hasn't mentioned her suspicions
No instead she just decided not to invite Op to her wedding, perfectly normal rational behaviour.
Fucking hell, Stormforce. She is nuts.
I hope I've read enough of this thread to get the gist of it. I wouldn't bother with either of them. They both sound like trouble and both sound very insecure. I'd let them get on with it. If she is so ready to believe rubbish I don't think it is a good start to her marriage. I can't see either of them will be very happy. Sounds awful. Wouldn't even be surprised if the marriage doesn't go ahead. Honestly, what chance has it got.
Wow. Unbelievable! I admit I am now wondering what the story will be from the gossip..
Stormface, hope you're ok?
As an outsider (obv), I feel some pity for this "friend" - not in terms of how she has behaved, but because she clearly must be deluded / deranged / insecure enough to behave in such a bizarre manner.
Not sure my pity would extend to wanting to save the freindship, though.
Hope you manage to resolve the situation, at least in your own mind.
It's horrible having to deal with this sort of bollocks.
" I couldn't be friends with a bloke who cheats on his fiancee that night after the engagement or ever. The OP didnt say that he cheated, she said that someone has gossiped that he cheated with the OP. Thats all she knows, apart from the fact that she didnt cheat with him. "
Storm said (Tue 26-Feb-13 10:40:45)
i know exactly who it was and believe me when I've calmed down enough words will be said and I took that to mean she knew who the fiance had slept with. It might mean she know who the gossip is. Down to interpretation.
I took it to mean "I know who the gossip is"
Team I think she meant that she knew who it was that had said that the she (the OP) had slept with the fiance, not that she knew who had slept with him.
OP -*She now accepts it was her misunderstanding and says someone else told her about it and she believed them over him and didn't even ask me.*
Mner - I'd be wanting to know who it was who spread the lie and having a little word in their shell-like!
OP- i know exactly who it was and believe me when I've calmed down enough words will be said
wowzers! i was not expecting that at all. i think i would just cut ties with them both and just walk away. if she truely believes you would do something like that, and you carried on remaining friends, then its always going to be the elephant in the room. it will become very awkward between everyone. what does your partner make of all this? he must think she's blooming loopy!
hope you're ok storm
Crikey - just read through this, and the women is daft. Hope that you're OK, storm.
Whoa! Didn't expect that at all.
Since she believed the story, doesn't that imply pretty strongly that the fiancé did sleep with someone, though not you? I say that b/c I imagine that if he hadn't slept with anyone at all surely he would have said so and this all would have been dropped. Since it wasn't dropped, what I'm imagining is that there was some indication that he did sleep with someone, and that resulted in a giant fight, an admission of guilt, and a reconciliation, but he wouldn't tell her who it was.
Don't know why someone would tell her it was you though. How malicious. I am so sorry. What a horrible phone call.
She is not your friend. Bonus you found out before you wasted any more of your valuable life on her.
It's all too easy on a thread like this for everyone to jump to a LTB response, but real life is more complicated, and our response to people's mistakes can be more considered and nuanced.
Just because you think someone has cheated on you is not necessarily a reason that you have to end a relationship with them - for many yes it is, but not all and we shouldnt judge the bridezilla by our personal values as she may have different ones. OP, you may know better whether there are mitigating reasons why she would perhaps accept that, or be so prepared to think ill of her fiance, or be so needy that she would go ahead with things anyway. Is she the sort of person to insist her DP should dump his female friends?
She has behaved appallingly to you but there may be mitigating reasons before you give up on a lifelong friend just because we vipers jump to a LTB response.
WorkingItOutAsIGo one of OP's close friends has accused OP of cheating with the fiance. I would be mightily pissed off if a good friend thought so little of me and I would ditch her straight away. Life is too short to be "friends" with people who cannot trust you.
OP she clearly has ishoos. I would step away and leave her to it. I expect she will come grovelling at some point and it will be up to you if you want to persue the friendship. I am also
OP, I am and for you.
I don't think you can continue a friendship with either the future bride or the future groom now. I think you need to cut all ties. Must be upsetting for you.
Chally, yes I know. But sometimes people make mistakes and this would be a bleak world if we were all punished forever for every mistake we ever made.
I am not saying the OP should forgive, I am just suggesting she not throw away the possibility of forgiveness. I do feel like a lone voice on this thread but think she needs to hear something to balance the consensus.
This so-called friend didn't make a mistake, though. She chose to believe a load of gossip and throw away the friendship over it.
Expat, yes, that may be what happened. Or maybe someone told her something they truly believed in a way which was really convincing, and she was broken-hearted but tried to act with dignity - didn't call up and abuse the OP, didn't just not invite her but took the trouble to give her a polite excuse, etc etc.
They are all just different ways of explaining the facts - but we don't know all the facts, we are just words on a screen as they say. The OP who knows the people concerned will know better whether this is vile behaviour without excuses, or whether it is forgiveable.
PS and no, am not Bridezilla, nor have I ever been in this circumstance! I lead a very dull life
Working why didn't the friend if she is a close one tat op says just confide in her . I would not want to be friends with somebody who thought so little of me, obviously after all these years does not seem to know op
Well, I think there are a lot of question marks about this, and the OP hasn't been back, so I'm going to say I bet it isn't precisely as laid out in her first posts. <-- p.a.
My theory is that OP did sleep with the groom, and has created this thread to throw everyone off the track.
Choccypig - ha! A clever double bluff!
Just read the whole thing.......fuck em OP you don't need friends like that any of them!!
Oh my goodness OP, I was reading through this thread thinking it was bad enough for you, but I could not believe the turn of events! I wonder if she has confronted her fiance about what she thought happened - she really needs be sorting out her own head about her reaction to what she had thought he had done, rather than projecting blame onto you. What a horrible thing for you to be having to go through.
For clarity since there seems to be some confusion
1. I know exactly who the gossip is. I've not calmed down enough to
rip her throat out talk to her yet but I will.
2. I have no idea whether her fiancee slept with anyone or not and if he did who it was.
3. I haven't yet decided how I feel about the whole situation. I can not let it dominate my life. In a week or so may arrange to meet up with "friend" who has texted several times asking to see me and saying sorry to try to talk this through. I don't want to throw away a 25 year long friendship without at least understanding why
I'm focussing on sorting out my finances, looking after my children and starting to declutter my house I can't let this horrible situation dominate my life
Sorry Choccypig I'm a one man woman
Oh op I hope you sortthings out. Mabey it's a good idea to meet so tat you can tell her how you feel and he hurt that has made you. You said tat you don't want to throw this long friendship away, so mabey tell her how you feel and start with rules. Do you think you go to her wedding?
Storm - now you know what's been going on, you hold all the cards. You are now in control of what you do and when. If you have other positive things you would rather give your time and energy to, then go ahead. You don't owe the bride or the gossip to work to a timetable of their choosing.
Think you have a good plan/outlook there Storm, and I'm glad that your friend appears to have realised the damage she's done by not thinking things through properly. I'm just relieved for you that it hasn't impacted on your and your dh's relationship
storm - your friend certainly did some things wrong here, but it does sound to me that she is having a hard time and could use some help from a good, old friend? Maybe she is really insecure or having issues and it has all manifested itself in this weird situation where she very wrongly blamed you.
If I was you I would meet her, give her the chance to really apologise - forgive her (it is often the people that mean the most we take for granted), and then help her out with her issues. You seem like a good friend. What could be going through her head?
Do you think there's a way back from this, OP?
But you haven't said how you know who the gossip is and what motivation they have. I'm assuming you didn't sleep with the gossip's husband as you said you are a one man woman.
I'm not sure if I was you that I could forgive her and "talk it through".
She obviously thinks so little of you that she believes you would sleep with her fiancé. And also doesn't count you as enough of a friend to actually ask you about it.
I would stay as far away as possible. She isn't worth it.
I agree with Maryz tbh it does not matter how long you have known her, she though so little if you to do a thing like that and she dd not have the guts to discuss I with you, accept to cut you out of the wedding. Even if you did irgive her and try again with he friendship I would not go to th wedding and the friendship just would not be te same
I fear that storm is now in an even more difficult situation.
Nobody knows who else the Gossip has spoken to - what if he/she has been spreading this around their social circle? If storm is seen to have fallen out with the BTB, what if other people, who've heard the gossip, add 2 + 2 and make 7?
The breaking off of the friendship could imply that she's guilty. So, whatever she does, she needs to ensure that her good reputation remains intact. (I think a few PPs have suggested something similar earlier).
Do we believe there really is A Gossip? Possibly it is in the bride's mind.
Sorry to offend OP, really I was just bumping the thread and couldn't resist stirring a bit.
Bumping in the hope of an update...
I'd also be interested in an update
How odd!! Yanbu and I think u need to have words with her about this.
Hi OP - how are things?
Something very very similar happened to me with my best friend who I had known since I was four. Don't want to say too much on here but as I am still friends with her but it does also still really hurt nearly ten years later.
I'm sorry I only saw the first page for some reason
Seen all the later stuff now
My situation was not the same as that
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