Mumsnet Talk

I'm due to give birth to dc2 in a matter of weeks.

With dc1 I had an emergency cs and was just overwhelmed with the amount of visitors who literally appeared an hour after ds arrived. I was feeling so vulnerable and out of it after a 2 day failed labour but within the hour had mil, fil, bil all standing over me joking 'you look rough' taking pictures of ds and me looking like death and emailing them to everyone they could think of!

I get on fine with them, however they like to do 'what suits them'. Ds is now 2 and mil and fil have never looked after him or babysat for us. Bil has twice when we went to cinema. I suppose this grates on me a bit, particularly mil who has never worked and admits she is bored but says she's not good with babies or toddlers. She also took it upon herself to come to hospital every day when ds was born, but never helped or held him - interestingly her friends said to me afterwards "Oh Nana came every day to the hospital didn't she?"

It got so overwhelming that I asked dh to say to fil not to come every night after work (he works 15 mins from hospital) as I didn't want visitors at 7pm at night. FIL on two occasions sat in the carpark for an hour phoning dh to see if it was OK to come up. DH had to go down and tell him to go home at 8.30pm.

I am due to have an elcs with dc2 and expect to be in for 3 days. I don't want them to visit me, I just hate feeling uncomfortable laid up and in pain with people looking at me and I do feel a little like they aren't particularly bothered with dc1 so why should they come for those precious first days when I want to bond with newborn.

I told dh that I have no issue at all with them coming round as soon as we get home (though last time I was in hospital for a week and by the time we got home it was almost like they were bored of ds so we didn't see them for ages which is when I needed the help the most!)

However, my mum and sister will be looking after ds for us so will be coming to hospital, they have also provided all our childcare for the past 2 years. Dh thinks I am being unfair as my mum and sister are 'allowed' but I don't want his mum, dad, brother, etc there. AIBU?

Can't you just let them visit once? You might not be in hospital for very long this time.

YANBU, but you are being unfair.

YANBU. You should be allowed to have who you want when in hospital. I actually said no visitors. What's the hurry? Plus they don't sound that involved.

Tell DH when he carries your next child in his womb for 9 months and then has his abdomen cut open and stitched up, and feeds the baby from his breasts then he can say who comes and goes from the hospital. But seen as this time around it's you who is pregnant, having a c-section and then breastfeeding that you'll be saying who's coming and going from the hospital. Also tell him when his parents are providing the childcare for your eldest whilst you're in hospital then they will be welcome to come. But until then, your inlaws and him can sod right off because you as the one who's doing all the bloody work, get to call the shots!

I don't think you are, I didn't want my inlaws there either. Actually I didn't want anyone but my dad and MIL and FIL still showed up. I had to lump it but if I'd been more with it I would have made more of a fuss. I had an appalling time of it and was trying to cope with a newborn and thumping, crushing depression. It was just added pressure. Sadly though it seems to come with the territory. If my future DIL tells me she'd rather I didn't come into the ward when she's birthed my gorgeous grandchild I'd understand totally but a lot of people would just be hurt by it.

Sorry, I understand how you feel but YAB a bit U. Maybe they can reduce the number of visits but it would be a bit mean to say they can't come at all - especially if your DH wants them there.

I expect to be in for 2 days after c section and if I knew they would come in briefly and go home it wouldn't be a problem.

This won't happen though, they'll stay and come as many times as they want.

WhatKindofFool and twooter how on earth can you think she's being unfair?

You should have had time in recovery.
Can you your DH just not phone with the 'news' until you're feeling ready to face them - buy yourselves a few hours.
Maybe even phone just at the end of that day and they can come the next.

How about compromising with one visit at the hospital when you feel up to it?

I don't think you can tell them not to come and visit. Do the hospital not have fairly strict visiting hours though?

I think I'd rather have them visiting in hospital than hanging around once I was home.

Have you asked them to look after DS? I only discovered this week that MIL has never offered to babysit because she assumed we'd ask if we needed her, I assumed she'd offer if she wanted to see the DC. My DC are 8 and 6!!! Massive miscommunication and resent on both sides ended with a lot of shock on both parts after a 'debate'.

The fact that you're happy to have your mum and sister there but not your IL's does seem a little unfair though.

splinters in backside from fence sitting

I don't understand this, all these people saying she's unfair I take it you were quite happy to have your inlaws in your face hours after you'd given birth?

I can't understand people wanting to turn up at the hospital, unless they have been asked to.

YANBU. At all.

What OP is expecting to be in for 3 days post ELCS.

I'd say that you'll (or DH will) let them know which one of the days they can visit once the baby is born. Say that you don't want to disappoint them by turning them away like you did with FIL, so not to just turn up.

If you don't want them in the hospital, you're not obliged to see them there even if your DM comes. You will be a patient recovering from major surgery, you are not involved in a spectator sport or a convenient way to make MIL look like a doting granny.

If you can't trust them to just come for one visit when you are ready, then say no visits.

YANBU...but...I would let them visit, but get the MWs on side first and get them to kick visitors out after say 2 hrs. Would that work? Or even DH could tell them to leave. Or, get your mum/sister to bring DC1 to visit you part way through their visit, child seeing mum & new sibling trumps GPs seeing GC2 I reckon (assuming there's a limit to how many visitors you can have at one time?).

I'd rather have them visit in hospital than at home, too. And I'd also rather visitors in the first few 'hazy' days than when I'm more "together" and getting stuck in with sleep deprivation and everything.

How about encouraging hospital visits but chatting to the hospital staff about limiting visiting time? They will probably be very keen to help 'evict' in a kindly way.

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

No visitors. Curtains closed round the bed. Perfect.

She's being unfair, because they are all grandparents - the same relationship to the new child. If you said, 'no visitors except dh' then fair enough not what I'd want, but at least fair but it's only going to cause massive resentment if you say one set of GPs can come, but the others can't.
You can let everyone know you felt overwhelmed last time, and would just like people to come 'by invitation' this time, so eveyone isn't there all of the time, and then invite your Mum once, and his Mum once - would that work as a compromise ?

Oh poor FIL. That's sad. Why couldn't you let him up for a few mins instead of keeping him in his car for an hour and a half? Bad call.

MASSIVE x-post - I was answering Debbie, about 15 posts ago!

A part of me feels mean but I accomodate them SO much generally, organise birthdays and surprises for them (partly to keep DH happy) and we get so little back.

I hope that doesn't sound mean but my poor mother and sister both work full time with long commutes and will drive to us and babysit at the drop of a hat if we want to go out.

Fil and mil are not together and have great lives but won't put themselves out for us. Mil says she doesn't like driving home in the dark but will always drive home if I invite her for dinner! I just feel they just want to be there to say 'they've been to the hospital' to show off to friends etc rather than a genuine longing to be there.

Also, fil is not that respectful and I felt so uncomfortable hobbling around in my nightie with him scrutinising every lump and bump on my body post recovery - it was just awful.

yanby.

you'll be recovering from major surgery, with a brand new person that you need to look after completely.
if you feel now that you won't want visitors, then tell your dh that the rule is no visitors.
you can then decide when the time comes if you're up for visitors.

it's a lot easier to say no and then allow them than it is to say nothing and find you don't want them.

Yabu

Your whole op is trying to rationalise an unfair and unkind exclusion of your husband's family.

A better strategy is simply to tell everyone (your family included) whatever your visiting preferences are (ie 2 at a time, no longer than 20m or whatever and blaming recovery from op etc. Although ime family are often quite deaf to this kind of thing. You cld simply get your dh to agree he will put pressure on people to go after a certain time or something?

Tbh fussing about this kind of thing tends to create more stress than it's avoiding and adds ill feeling to boot.

You will have given birth and had major surgery, therefore you call the shots. End of.

YANBU you're pre-empting a situation based on their previous behaviour and your well being emotionally matters more than their feelings.

YANBU!!!!!!!!! I can't even tell you how much I understand where you are coming from.

Not quite the same but a similar situation that may help you organise a compromise...

Our ds was born at the end of November. My IL's (we are not at all close to them - a very different situation than you) wanted to see us at Christmas time. My dh felt obliged and I, post natal would have had a meltdown anyway--phoned my mum --and had a hissy fit about it to talk about it. She pointed out that anything that meant we didn't actually have to visit on Christmas Day could be considered to be a bonus. When I sorted that out in my head it was easier to cope with. And then I was able to make it easier for my dh too because it isn't after all his fault.

My point being, now you have made your point, back down look like you are backing down and offer something that makes everyone feel cared for. And if they do appear round your bed and take millions of photos or whatever then have a massive public meltdown and make it clear you don't want them back. You will just have had a baby and that makes it more than fair enough!!!!!!

I really hope that helps. I can totally imagine how frustrated and overwhelmed the very thoguht of it makes you feel.

I had lots of people visit after DS's traumatic birth, I was in hospital 4 days. Friends popped in, had a chat and a coo and popped off, no photos were taken. Fil and bil, on the other hand, came for 1 1/2 hours and sat and read newspapers. While I was trying to establish bf. Twice. DS felt awkward asking them to leave. Well, we wouldn't want that!

i had wonderful inlaws

the sort that arrived with chocs and flowers, beamed with pride,held gc for 15 mins and went away again.

however,i second laying down the law- if you have to tell them they can come once, the day after delivery and tell the midwives you cant bear them for more than 30 mins. when i was in with dc3, the lady next to me had the most unbearable inlaws and visitors for hours. i went and complained to the midwife and they were gone in literally 5 minutes (shooting dirty looks at me!). the woman was crying with gratitude though and we agreed from that point on, i would go and complain after about 20 mins. it was her first.

What Debbie said - what is it with people feeling so bloody entitled? Personally I welcomed my in-laws but they are FAB. Adore DD1, whenever we go and stay we get sent out to dinner - they think it's treat to babysit! Have had DD1 for holidays. And they will be the same with DD2. And if I had said to them please don't come till I was home it would have been accepted without question and any sense of in-justice would have been kept firmly to themselves as they would have logically known it was for a reason (and not personal).

greenfolder

I am very impressed!

So your PIL haven't earned the right to see the new baby because they failed to babysit for the first?

Plus put on a bra under your nightie and get really nice nightie and dressing gown. I did that for dc2 and I felt MUCH more comfortable with visitors. Got them on the nct website shop.

YellowtipSun 24-Feb-13 22:22:45

Oh poor FIL. That's sad. Why couldn't you let him up for a few mins instead of keeping him in his car for an hour and a half? Bad call.

Poor FIL! Yellowtip, he came every day because it suited him after work. I was sick of it after day 3 and said no more and he ignored us and came anyway.

I didn't give in as a matter of principle - I was in pain, tired and had seen him more than my own mother. I wanted to go to sleep at 7pm after entertaining visitors all day - that's perfectly reasonable and I'm perplexed as to why you think he should be able to visit for a fourth day (when it suits him after work) when I clearly said no.

Why can't all that wait until you are home? I don't really understand going to the hospital at all. I have always waited until they get home to visit.

YANBU

On the face of it, it isn't fair but I think it is up to you.

If DH agrees to have a word about what is acceptabel behaviour and agrees to chuck them out after 30 mins, it mat be worth allowing a flying visit.

Exactly sparkingbrook but I think they want to say to friends and their family they've been to the hospital to see him/her straight away.

Actually I think it is strange that people invite themselves to see you in hospital. You are having a major op and need to to recover with your newborn.

I wouldn't feel guilty about fil either.

Yanbu and poor F-I-L should have got the message!

YANBU. My parents travelled for two hours to see newborn dd and I asked in laws to come to the visit afterwards so that my family could have a little one on one time with dd considering they won't get to see her anywhere near as often as in laws. They gatecrashed anyway ("we were just passing by") and exp forced me to have them in to visit. I still regret it now as it was just monopolised by them and they were so ignorant and rude to my parents. I wish I had stood my ground because it might have been fair to them but it wasn't to me or my parents. I say sod keeping everybody else happy at your expense and stand your ground on this one.

My inlaws were good and just came and stayed for half an hour or so. With my first that was still too much though as I felt awful. I was really tired, my legs were swollen, I was bleeding heavily and just felt really crap. Lots of jolly people wanting to take photos was the last thing I needed. It was better with my daughter but I still think birth although a natural experience is a very debilitating one and not really a spectator sport, and apart from the husband the staff should ask the woman more who she wants to visit and for how long so they can chase people away.

It's a shame you can't tell them you have had the baby until you get home. Tempting?

There isn't a single picture of me in hospital having given birth to DS1 or DS2. Just a few of the baby in the hospital babygro.

I would be evil if someone got the camera out and started snapping away.

Well, I don't think dh would want to be put in that position of keeping it from them.

They also know edd so will be calling/texting a lot around that time for an update...if I could have moved, fil's camera would have gone straight out the window (followed by him, if I had any strength post cs to push him!) <wakes up from dream smiling>

YANBU. They can wait three days. It's selfish of them to expect to visit - they are not thinking about you, only their desire to see the baby.

I was in hospital for a week and, apart from DH, only had parents and inlaws ONCE over the whole week. The birth was horrendous and the whole week very traumatic. Everyone was considerate and waited until I felt OK enough to face visitors.

Although I have to say, it shouldn't make any difference who does the childminding. They are grandparents, not staff.

I would say that you are not excluding your inlaws, you are excluding rude inconsiderate people who come over whenever it suits them, don't offer anything in the way of practical or emotional support and don't even seem that bothered by the new baby. If that coincidentally means you are excluding your inlaws, that's too bad for them.

YANBU. Whatever the reason. If you don't want visitors after having given birth, then say NO.

If I knew it meant so much for them to be there I would back down and give in but I know it's to just take pictures and show off.

I honestly won't see them for dust when we get home until they want another picture and am not pandering to it this time.

What's with the "entertaining visitors all day" and "there for hours" comments
When I had my 3, dh could stay for most of the day, but visitors had quite limited visiting hours. I know mine are a lot older now, but this was also the same when SiL had her two LOs much more recently in the same hospital. Off the top of my head, it was an hour in the afternoon and an hour in the evening, and only 2 at each bed.

Yanbu.

When dh is the patient he gets to chose who visits him in hospital that's not unfair its perfectly acceptable that none patients don't get to chose who visits patients.

Some visitors sadly don't get the hint to bugger off after an hour or more.....my hospital allowed visitors all day and then 7-9pm for close family - it was quite literally an open house!

yanbu at all.

anytime YOU are in hospital because of your body. you and only you get to dictate the guest list

On principle, I think YANBU, but for the purpose of future relationships, I think you will be better off handling this rather than being bullish about it.

Trust me, if you have family members who are a bit pushy, the best place to see them would be in the hospital. It is much easier to manage the time they are there than it is as home. You have midwives who if you are lucky will act like the equivalent of security guards. They will ask people to leave.

In addition to that, you have the added bonus of not seeming like the bad guys who have excluded the family.

I'm going to be a MIL one day. I am making a note now to be very sensitive to this issue should my sons ever reproduce.

I don't understand the fascination with seeing a baby almost as soon as it is out of the birth canal. We had a stream of visitors with my first, you might be lucky though and find that they've lost interest a bit with the second one.

Those visiting hours sound like a nightmare, can you not ask the hospital to chuck them out a bit sooner?

In your shoes I would speak to the midwife and explain (briefly!) the situation.
Ask them to ask the ILs to leave after 1/2hr or so "so you can rest" or some other reason.

Endo - I'm not giving birth at the same hospital for dc2 but there's not much in it in visiting times at the new one.

I am also making lots of notes and learning how to try and be a good MIL.....point one never comment on feeding/co sleeping as 'that's not what was right in our day, you'll suffocate him by putting him in bed with you".

Hmmmmm OK MIL I'll dump him in his cot and let him cry himself to sleep like you did....

I think it days a lot about how pregnant woman are seen as public property that a woman isn't allowed to choose to have 3days alone after major surgery. some people really don't feel confident in bf either so it'd cruel and counter productive to make them get to grips with it in crying of an audience. you would not be expected to have unwanted visitors after any other surgery why do you suddenly become a second class citizen when you breed?

"She's being unfair, because they are all grandparents - the same relationship to the new child" and "trying to rationalise an unfair and unkind exclusion of your husband's family" - I think this rather misses the point that the baby has to be in hospital WHILE ITS MOTHER RECOVERS FROM SURGERY. Which may rather inconvenience everyone who isn't interested much in her and are only there to see the newborn, but let's face it, if they want a real live happy baby, they'll just have to suck up the conditions that make it TOLERABLE FOR THE MOTHER.

I'm sure if it were possible and practical the OP wouldn't at all exclude any of the GPs from a relationship with the baby but it's not possible and practical to separate this visit from a visit to her in a vulnerable physical and emotional state. OP, I don't even think you need to rationalise it in any way - it's totally reasonable not to want to deal with anyone in that state apart from people to whom you feel close. People may think it's all about the baby but since you have to be there, nursing your wounds while they have their moment of whatever with the baby, your feelings should not be simply overruled. Especially as said baby, whom everyone is supposed to be so very interested in, is dependent on you - why would they want to jeopardise the emotional health of the baby's primary carer? If they are that baby centred?

Relationships with babies are not made and broken in the first three days after the baby is born - the only relationship that's important to the baby then is the one with its primary carer. And even then, what adds up to much more than this is the years and years of tiny acts of love, not the one prize moment when the baby turns up. So if everyone is really so very offended and upset by the idea that the OP may need some private time away from people to whom she doesn't feel close, I'd ask really, what they think they are being excluded from?

YANBU
When I had my dc, they asked visitors to leave and dp's parents just ignored them. I'm afraid I was too much of a wuss to say anything and just sat there miserably aching for them to go.
Next time they won't be there I'll definately say something.
I'd say either don't tell them until you get home or simply ask the midwives not to let them in.
You are allowed to decide who gets to visit you whilst you're in hospital. Just tell them to visit when you get home.

Of course YANBU! You will be recovering from an operation. You are the patient so you decide who (if anyone) you want to see. You should have this discussion with your DH, I'm sure when he understands how strongly you feel he will understand.

YANBU - Your in laws can wait a few days until you are comfortably at home to visit you and the baby. The fact they you want to see you own mum (who is bringing in your older child?) is neither here nor there.

I know where you are coming from with the tired and EMCS, I had 3 day labour with my first ending with me having a massive infection, both me and DS1 having many drugs to combat it, him not feeding, me totally out of it. My IL's came and did take photos but not really of me (even though generally quite good at insensitive). I think the fact I was pale, in agony, barely staying awake and generally awful meant they realised. That said, I was worrying as meant to have a shower (held up by midwives 24 hours after 'the event') but didn't feel I could ask them to go. That said, DH hinted and they got it. With DS2, my family had DS1 and it meant they brought him in to see the baby after few hours and IL's came about 20 hours later and were very aware that I might not be on top of things.

That said, DS2 was another EMCS (although only 24 hours of labour) so I had had the 'panic' again BUT I was in such a better state IL's looked relieved!

I would recommend you ask midwife and DH to make sure it lasts 30 mins, ask both MIL and FIL if they want to take DC to the hospital café for a snack and then point out to DH that your family have to bring your child to see their baby.

Great post sparklyboots - very considered....

I'm going to have to fall into bed now as am up far too late and will pay for it tomorrow, thanks so much for all the contributions, will keep you all updated.....

YADNBU

I feel like you do. I actually just want time with a newborn to bond and sort things out like breastfeeding and sleeplessness.
I've had five children and with my last I made it clear that I didn't want visitors for 2 weeks. I explained to family and friends that we wanted time to just adjust as a family and bond with our new baby. I had the baby at hospital and went home a few hours later. Which was great, so they couldn't just pop into the hospital.

Unfortunately (and I still can't understand it) my PIL and parents felt entitled and ignored our request. They popped in when DS was three days old.However, my mother still has great pleasure telling everyone that I "banned her" from seeing the baby for a month.Which clearly is not true, but she does enjoy catastrophising.

If at all possible do insist that you get what you want and need. You can't have that precious time over and you will be recovering from major surgery.

If I had my time over I think I'd just tell everyone I was overdue and make the announcement 2 weeks after the birth

I'm pretty staggered to see how many posters think the OP is being unfair! I dunno, it seems a no-brainer to me, really. She's recovering from another c-section. She will be in a rather undignified state - compression stockings, bleeding, in pain, perhaps relearning breastfeeding if that's what she's doing, and unable to move without pain for a fair while. Would you want a constant parade of people coming and going without asking you if it's ok? No, of course you wouldn't. She will be in for just three days. It is possible to ask relatives to wait three days to see a new baby. The baby will still be a newborn.

With DS1, I was stuck in for over a week with high blood pressure. I'm still undecided about how I feel about my PIL coming in every single day, and staying for hours. They live a fair distance away, so were staying nearby for the week. They were offering DH some support, which he needed. He'd had a baby too, and naturally wanted his parents there to see DS1. But I felt trapped in my cubicle. I don't particularly get on with my PIL and to have them there, day after day, was a strain. On the other hand, having my parents come in was far better for me. But given that I was the one to carry and give birth, I think I was entitled to a little bit of partisanship!

YANBU OP. My IL's came to the delivery suite 30 mins after delivery. There was still blood on the bed and floor and I was summoning the energy to get up and hobble to the shower. FIL got offended when I told him to put the camera away. I get the excitement but the mother's wishes should be followed. During my next labour I told everyone that I would see them the next day if I was kept in or at home but definitely not withing 24 hours of giving birth. During my 3rd labour (after labour tbh) it was other patients visitors that caused the upset. I had the curtain pulled around the bed and was feeding dd when someone put their hand through the curtains and took my bedside chair without asking. I couldn't believe the rudeness. The girl (who'd given birth) was lovely but was recovering from a section. Rather than call for the mw every time I helped her by passing her baby to her or getting her food and drink. She was very grateful and yet her family and friends were screeching knobheads without charm or manners. I screamed for my chair back and the shocked mw demanded to know what the hell they were up to. She made them leave too. I liked being in there because (pricks aside) the visiting hours were very lean. From 12 onwards for partner and 2 til 4 then 6-7.30 for other visitors of which you were allowed 2.

I don't think YABU....birth & hospitalisation is a v private thing and it's for you to decide who can / cannot come (not dh / dp). You may need to compromise a little more once home (visits yes...but limit time, say m/w insisted & ask MIL to bring your dinner with her - will reduce visits!). Good luck!

...or change the date of the ECS...

No is a complete sentence.

As for all the people harping on about the OP being unreasonable, she's the one giving birth and her word is final. Or it should be.

YANBU and I am also shocked at anyone who says otherwise!!

Ugh, I never forget how the day after ds was born, I came home to find a whole living room full of visitors. Even worse when after a while of no-one else offering to do it, I got up to make tea for everyone. I remember being in the kitchen feeling so tearful because ds was being passed around and all I wanted to do was to hold him and have him to myself, not to be making tea for everyone (never mind that I could hardly walk due to to torn fanjo). I don't know why I didn't just ask everyone to just leave although it probably had something to do with the fact that I was emotionally and physically exhausted and wasn't thinking straight.

I'm sorry, but you and your baby's needs come first, if people get offended, then tough titties. You and your baby are top priority, not other people wanting to take photos and making stupid jokes.

YANBU. I really regret letting MIL visit when I was in HDU and after my c sections. Still no point thinking about it now.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. I have made sure that my mil will not be visiting from overseas until the baby is at least 6 to 8 weeks old. Then she cannot stay for more than 2 weeks. She stayed for six weeks when our DS was born. My DH thinks she's helpful but she is not. She is like a child you have to babysit and I ended up spending most of my time in a bedroom with the baby avoiding her. It was hell and will never happen again.

Really, for what other kind of major abdominal surgery would we be expected embark on hours of entertaining visitors immediately after having it?

OP won't be up to or won't want extended or surprise or group visits, and unfortunately the PIL aren't the kind of people (according to OP) to take account of that. So that leaves her with a blanket no.

Go for it OP-just say no. Someone is going to have their nose put out of joint but I don't see why it should be you.

Ask them to the hospital, but tell them the vomiting virus is in all the wards.
Or ask them to the hospital on day two, but let the nurse know you want them shifted after 10 minutes, so you can rest.

Maybe slip them the wrong dates?!

Or just tell them all to supply you with a rota of hot dinners for the next 6 weeks to earn a visit (remember that other fred?)

whethergirl, I know they say there's no medal for childbirth, but I think you earned one - my gawd I had those kinds of visitors too, only they woke up my DD "to see her properly" - yesh, thanks a bunch.... I never offered them tea though.

best of luck OP with the birth of your PSB! hope it all goes smoothly.

Someone is going to have their nose put out of joint but I don't see why it should be you.

Well said.

Can't it be agreed that they at least come for one very short visit to see the baby and just get it out the way and then you can relax and no feelings are hurt? Think it is a bit unfair if your own family are allowed to visit. Also people I know who had an ELCS said it was nothing like the experience of going through a labour and ending up with an EMCS so hopefully this experience will be better than the last for you.

You are the patient, it is your call, it's just that I grew up where close family and friends went to see the baby at the hospital, it was expected and people were so excited about the new baby. I'm just surprised at how different we all see these things.

Yanbu - the thought of having to see my pil, while bleeding, catheterised, leaking milk, wearing pads, sleep deprived, in pain, tearful & emotional - NO WAY!

I just don't get the obsession with seeing a baby the second it's out. Those first few days can be vital for bonding, feeding, resting & recovering. It is NOT vital that extended family members share their germs and get a photo.

When I was last in hospital having a baby the mw were wonderful care wise during labour but as help getting rid of people they were useless.

I had youngest dc at 3am cleaned up got given a side room to sleep in the baby's dad promptly fell asleep in my bed after all it was such hard work for him so I sat awake all night in the chair first thing in the morning after me replying to the missed calls I had whilst he still slept I was moved onto the post natal ward to sleep before discharge as the mw knew I hadn't slept she even wrote on my notes I was being sent there to sleep before driving myself home.

I tried sending him away they gave a half arsed attempt but he still wouldn't even naff off for a cup of coffee I ended up driving myself home with no sleep at all his entire family were waiting on my doorstep ( obviously this bit is not the mw's fault) where they came in and stayed for 7 hours expecting to be fed and watered by me whilst they ignored the fact that I couldn't even focus on them due to tiredness.

My brothers wife wouldn't let my mum see the baby at the hospital, but let her own relatives. My mum was very sad, she is a lovely, lovely lady and such a shame to see her trying to put on a brave face. This was her 'little boys baby' . Nasty of me, but i always hope my sil's own son does the same to her so she can feel that way too. I love my mum.

I don't see why you should have to even agree to one visit. Its natural that in that state you may wish your own parents to visit YOU and nobody else its not about what they want or what dh wants, he is not the patient when he is he can decide who he wants to visit him.

If I were you, I wouldn't give them ammunition to complain to all and sundry that you wouldn't even let them see their new grandchild, etc etc.

I would stipulate, one visit, one hour. Get your DH to let them know in advance that you are feeling unwell after the operation and need to rest. Kick them out by telling them you need peace and quiet to feed the baby. Get the hospital staff on your side beforehand.

Cooking why was your mother sad? Her son was not the patient

No, she's not being unfair! The baby is not a pizza to be shared out. The baby will be spending its time bonding to the OP and its father. The OP will be a newly delivered mother, recovering from surgery. As such, it is her DUTY to herself and her baby to only allow people who are supportive. My husband had testicular surgery a few years back, and I can tell you that he didn't want my mother in the room after surgery! He had his own mother visit. Was that unfair? I can damn well tell you that he was not, in any way, whatsoever, unfair.

You don't get a right to treat your DIL like shit, right after she's given birth, and become a MOTHER again, because you're a grandparent again.

It isn't vital that the grandparents see a baby within hours of birth to love it.

Any "grandparent visitation at the birth rights" are certainly gone now, seeing as they were impolite and unfair to the OP last time!

maybe your sil was happy for her own mother to see her bleeding and leaking? it wasn't really about your mother was it? ffs you have read why women don't want their mils in room (since you can't empathise) why do you think their wants are less important?

I'd do a 30 minute visit while you are in hospital (may be day 2?) so that you don't have to run after them, bring tea and stuff.

Then say no visits to your home, unless they pre-arrange. You could even do the same with your own mum (just explain to her why so she isn't put out). Then your dp can hardly complain about his parents being treated differently.

VenusRising ahh thanks, I will take a virtual medal! And talking of 'thanks a bunch' one of the visitors gave me a huge bunch of flowers whilst advising "you best put them in a vase before they wilt". So I got out a big heavy vase from the back of cupboard, and was trying to stuff the flowers in the vase (why? WHY?) and my dad, who was sitting nice and comfy on the sofa with his feet up, said gravely "Take it easy now, don't try and be a super hero." whilst not offering to put the damn flowers in a vase or make the tea or anything!

So is this normal then, no visitors? What did everyone here do then?

I had the long labour ending in EMCS and the only visitors I had in the three days were a few good friends, one of whom brought two of their relatives whom I hardly knew. Would have loved my family and husbands to see the baby straight away but they all live 400 miles away. I'm really surprised at this no visitor thing, so did everyone commenting here have no visitors? Really surprised and interested.

Cookingupastorm your mother may be a lovely lady, but you're not doing her credit now! Your poor SIL can exclude whomever she likes when she's just given birth.

And maybe your SIL won't feel sad when it's her DIL giving birth. Maybe she'll nod understandingly and supportive not having been so god damned entitled in the first place.

But let's be honest people don't go because they want to visit the mother, they go to see the new baby.

And I can totally see why socketreturningpixies mum was hurt. Only have sons and after reading Mn the past few years I'm dreading being the Mil of sons.

Its not about having no visitors at all, its about only wanting ones that you are comfortable enough with seeing you in a state probably knackered and in pain.

Sorry, should be cookingupastorms mother!

We had this with DC2. After DC1, I really didn't want to be visited whilst I was paralysed in bed, in hospital gown, bleeding etc. We told everyone not to visit, including my family. PIL pressured us but we did not give in. After a ELCS I was out by the next day and we invited PIL to visit at home as soon as we came in through the door.

I think they were put out as they wanted to visit in the hospital (and they would have visited at home too - it wouldn't have been one or another) and didn't visit for a few days. Things haven't been 'right' since.

OP YANBU.

Twasnt my mum who was hurt. My mum may be a cow at times but she's certainly not so uncaring as to believe that her right to visit a newborn over rides the mothers reasonable expectation of privacy and the right to select her own visitors

Begonia I had my MIL, SIL, etc during labour and post-birth. Didn't generally mind. They're nice. Helpful as well. Genuinely helpful, good people. However, I did not have my mother. <puts cat among pigeons>

I expect she would consider it unfair, naturally. (I've never explicitly admitted that my MIL was there, in order to be tactful.)

I understand the POV of the OP, and to a degree, that of some posters. But unless your MiLs are truly evil I do feel sorry for them.
And if you are the mothers of sons, how will you feel when this thread is repeated by your DiLs in years to come?

YANBU. Maybe let them visit once in hosp, when you are ready and have authorised it and only the once. Do you mean that they aren't interested in seeing your ds1 at all, or only that they don't babysit? (apols if you already covered this, I only read the OP

Yanbu at all.

Nannyogg,

There would be no thread as I wouldn't be so arrogant as to think my wish to see the newborn was more important than the mothers need to be respected.

And now you can all feel terrified of being "unfairly" excluded from your daughters' births.

<Sniggers>
<Is mother of sons and feels totally untroubled by this>

Jessie. Think its lovely that you were able to have people around that would support you and make you feel comfortable.

There is no rule that says this has to be your own mother but there should be a rule that says the person in labour or just given birth gets to pick no matter who they do or don't want or what there relationship with them is

Well I'm a mother is sons only and I do feel a bit saddened by some of the MIl threads I've seen on here. Fortunately I'm very fond of my Mil and happy to spend time with her, unfortunately we live a distance away and don't see enough of them.

I am a mother of a son.
And if I overstep the mark with my future DIL I'd much rather she told me and we worked it out than have things fester for years.

Begonia I had 2 homebirths, and my Mum was present for both but went home the following day each time, returning a few days later with my Dad and siblings. All live a long distance away, stayed in a hotel, came over for short periods, did housework, walked dog, made drinks/meals and spoiled dd1 after dd2. My family came to support me when I needed them to, as they always have and still do.

Dh's family first met dd1 at 10 weeks old, and dd2 at 8 weeks. They have no interest in forming a relationship with me or dds, and have never forgiven dh and I for saying we didn't want houseguests when dd1 was a few hours old. They are comfortably off and hotels near us are plentiful and reasonable. They felt that we should want them to stay though, and I don't regret saying no. Whether they would always have been rubbish grandparents or whether it's a grudge over this matter amounts to the same end sadly.

I'm a mother of daughters and sons. But I know the only birth I have the right to be at and the only newborns I get to dictate about visiting are the ones I personally gave birth to.

If my DS has a baby I will obviously want to go and visit the baby soon after it is born. I wouldn't, however, expect to force myself on my DIL when she is in the immediate aftermath of giving birth and not feeling ready for visitors / only wants her own mum. The time immediately after birth is important for the parents to bond with the baby and the mum to recover from birth. Of course the grandparents want to welcome the new arrival too but that can wait a few days as it's not the most important thing.

When I had my DD my parents came to visit me in hospital the day after she was born (I did find after she was born I felt ready to show her off straightaway). I wouldn't have wanted my PILs to see me in my nighty trying to bf though. They came after we got home when DD was 3 days old. By that stage I was feel (slightly) more human and ready to have visitors.

With my DS my PILs got to meet him the day he was born as they were at our house looking after DD. My parents and Sis & BIL met him the following day. To be honest it was rather intense and I did feel that I missed out on a few days at the very start of concentrating on our little family of 4 before having visitors. I think the way we did it with DD was much better.

Sockreturningpixie

Couldn't have said it better myself!

I don't know what's wrong with the world that so many women, who have actually given birth, are willing to support other women being made miserable.
if I, or any other woman, wants sleep after giving birth, we are entitled to kick out visitors who won't understand this. Pre-emptively, if necessary. Going to be critical? Going to make us uncomfortable about feeding methods? Then get out.

YANBU not wanting it, but can't you just put up with a short visit for the sake of peace?
My ex's parents, sisters, BIL and sisters BF, and ex's GF of 2 weeks flipping visited during my DD's stay in NICU. It was done to annoy in my situation, but at the end of the day it's easier to focus on your newborn than get yourself stressed about visitors.

Let them come, then when you're tired and fed up (be that after 5 minutes or half an hour) then say you are tired and ask them to leave with a polite "I'll give you a ring once we're out and settled to have a proper visit, it was lovely to see you". Then they've got the initial seeing the baby out of the way and if they pester you, you can just repeat "You've seen GC already, I'll ring you once we're home and settled" at any requests to visit again.

You could even ask a nurse to come in and ask them to leave after 10-15 minutes beforehand.

My pil are anti-breastfeeding, anti- homebirth, anti-waterbirth, prudish about bodily functions, shite houseguests and chain smokers, and come with their own 10 year old child. Absolutely the last people i needed in the aftermath of a 4 day labour!

Of course socket but now I'm curious as to what is the norm these days? Would never have occurred to me Or anyone I know not to have visitors at the hospital. I'M truly surprised at this attitude,very different to where I'm from.

YANBU

It's up to you, who visits you in hospital.

A new born baby won't know any different or look much different in the space of a few days.

It's really not a big deal.

OP YA def NBU.
i had a planned c-section with DS, but had terrible anaemia (2 transfusions) and was in for 8 days. We had visitors on the 2nd day and much as i loved the people it was exhausting and horrendous.

I had DP cancel all other visitors and then they came and visited at home when DS was 3 weeks old.

It's bizzare, when you have a newborn it becomes public property, and if you have had a straight forward delivery then visitors are no problem. i can't believe that other posters are giving you a hard time, i can see what you must be up against with your in-laws.

I think you are being a bit UR your Dh has a point.
Maybe limit the time they come and only two people at a time, so your Mum and Sis come by and stay 15 mins or so with Ds, leave him the room with you and go out so the PIL can drop in and see the new baby for 10 or 15 minutes and they can take Ds 1 out to meet your Mum.
As the mother of grown sons, (no DIL yet) I would probably agree and say I understand, but inside I'm be sobbing that I wasn't wanted to even peek at my GC until they got home, when others can visit. I'd be on pins that I was doing something wrong and would be excluded from your lives.
It would hurt your PIL beyond belief really. Unless they are toxic nasty people let them in for 10 minutes, rotate people so you aren't surrounded and overwhelmed.

The norm should be having the fact that you have just given birth and may be in pain respected enough to feel safe to say if you want visitors or not ( just the same as any other hospital patient does) and if you do want them who you want them to be.

Sadly going by the amount of threads about this subject the norm appears to be having other people put there wants above your needs and not give a shit about how the woman who has just given birth feels only caring about getting to see a cute little baby ASAP.

Of course if someone feels really shit and not up to it they have the right to do as they please. the OP isn't saying she wants no visitors, she wants her own family to visit just not her husbands. Many people expect and are happy to have visitors, though and according to all the visitors I saw at the hospital when I gave birth then it's not that unusual or maybe they just don't read mumsnet. Did you have any visitors socket?

Yes I had people I wanted to visit me in hospital but not people I didn't. One occasion I had my grand dad actually with me when I gave birth and after on others occasions I've asked my best friend another my dad but never anybody who I was not completely comfortable having around whilst I was in pain and feeling like pants.

So what that she's not wanting her dh's family there but is wanting her own family. I expect she knows her own family better is more comfortable being around them when she is vulnerable as hospital patients do tend to be.thats perfectly normal.

I'm sure if her husband was a patient he may wish to ask people he is more comfortable around in those situations. He gets to make that choice if he is the patient.

Some people may be perfectly happy to have loads of people around right after giving birth others won't be some may only want one person coming some may want no one.

It all depends on how you personally feel about people visiting you or seeing you when your not on top form,some people are really bothered by it and of they are the. That would be respected because its there body that has just done the hard work not there partners body.

Bloody iPad and if they are then that should be respected

You have to ask yourself this:

At the end of the day, does it REALLY make any difference if they visit? Would it be so bad to give up 30 minutes of your day? You will have the other 23 hours and 30 minutes to yourself.

My new years resolution is to apply these questions to all issues I find myself faced with. I am amazed how much really trivial stuff I was literally agonising over. I now take the tack that I worry about what I can influence and just let the other stuff go. Your IL's don't sound like Grandparents of the Year but I don't think they intend any harm. Let them be. Let them visit, it won't harm you and might make their day.

FWIW - I think it was very unkind of you to leave your FIL in the car for all that time. It costs nothing to be polite, even it you are put out yourself, you could have let him up for a little while and then politely excused yourself with an "I am really ready for a rest now, so I might put my head down for a while"...

at 'politely excuse yourself with "I am really ready for a rest now, so I might put my head down for a while"...'. If the OP's in laws are anything like my family, and I suspect they are, nothing short of a great big neon 'Fuck Off' sign will get rid of them.

There's no halfway compromise to be had with them. You have to be all or nothing with them. If they end up being treated unfairly then really they do bring it on themselves.

I'd rather they came to the hospital than the house because of the restricted visiting houts etc. You could get the nurse to politely chuck them out saying you need rest etc. I had a homebirth & all my in-laws turned up at once the next day which was a bit overwhelming. If they had staggered it then fair enough.

I think you are being U a bit, how would you feel if your family were banned from visiting? They are your dps family & let him share the birth of his baby with his family like you are with yours.

My in-laws are crap at emotional support but better at practical support so we utilise them thay way. Give them shopping lists, chores etc without the option of backing down. Some folk wont help unless asked, just the way they arr. Next time your mil says shes not baby friendly just say: 1. I'm so glad my mums good at that OR 2. You've done ok considering you've had 2....see how she reacts. A bit of grandma rivalry might work to your advantage.

Clay, that's really sad.

Literally no mutual respect AT ALL.

MrReacted, the OP had already told her FIL not to come. He'd been there every day, for hours, at the end of the evening when she wanted to sleep, for three days running. She and her partner told him not to come on the fourth day because she was tired and in pain. The FIL ignored that and came anyway, and then sat in his car ringing every ten minutes to bully them into agreeing see if they'd changed their minds.

It's pretty clear that if the ILs had been more reasonable the first time around, and not walked all over the OP and her new family, she wouldn't be thinking of excluding them this time. It's their fault!

Fair enough Tortoise. I still think that 'it takes two tango' applies here.

On reflection they all sound as bad as one another.

If it takes two to tango, what do you think she should have done? How would you have handled it?

It does take two, I agree. It takes her in-laws showing her the first ounce of compassion and courtesy so that she doesn't have to go to such lengths to safeguard her OWN FUCKING HEALTH.

Seriously, "as bad at one another"? SERIOUSLY?

From the POV of having been the patient, and having to ensure visits from PIL that hated me, ignored me (to the point of blanking me while they passed my new baby between them), I can understand not wanting SOME PIL visiting in the hospital especially the OP's entitled, ignorant, inconsiderate PIL's.

BUT, as a mother with 4 DC's, 3 DS's - ALL their DC's will be equally important to me.

While I can TOTALLY get that any DIL might want her mum in the delivery room, and not her MIL (the thought if my Ex Mil seeing my fanjo is horrifying, not quite the same when it's your own mum that's changed your nappies...), why would lots of you exclude your partner's parents from visiting in hospital?

I can't understand that? MOST (obviously not the OP's or my Ex PIL's...) PIL's think just as much of their DGC from their DS's as they do their DGC's from their DD's. So why do many DIL's see that as different?

Ok, I would probably turn up with a gift not just for the baby, but for any DIL too, and would happily care for older siblings etc, and arrange visits so that DIL wasn't overwhelmed, had a chance to bond and rest, and a chance for her parents to spend 1-2-1 time there too, but it now worries me that I would be excluded from such a big part of my DS's lives simply because I'm HIS mum, not HERS.

<<Frets>>

Wow Tortoise.

That's a bit of an overreaction. Yes, SERIOUSLY, I do think they sound as bad as one another and am perfectly entitled to my opinion without being sworn at.

Do you think that by swearing at me, I'll change my opinion? Her IL's were never jeapardising her health. Stop being a drama queen.

Not at all, but it makes me feel much better.

YANBU. I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first and I am absolutely dreading the visitors. I'm not sure how bad my in-laws will be but even the thought of seeing some of my best friends is making me want to leave the country at the moment!

I can tell you that my own mother will be there, in fact she'll be my birth partner, and if she and my dad and grandparents (we're all quite young) want to visit then I don't have a problem with that. I don't feel this is unfair - they've all wiped my arse and seen me naked, and I don't mind them being there when I'm a mess and trying to breastfeed. My in-laws, on the other hand, I barely know at all and they we don't particularly get along. Maybe if I end up being kept in for a few days they can come after a day or two, but I wouldn't want anyone that wasn't family to see me while I'm still knackered, sweaty, bleeding and establishing bf, not to mention potentially paralysed/in lots of pain/catheterised/drugged up. Again, I don't think this is terribly unfair, I'm sure they can wait a few days.

Tortoise - I am curious. Why does it bother you so much that you feel that you have to swear at somebody who has a differing opinion to you?

Also if I had sons and in the future their wives or partners felt the same way I feel, I would respect that. In fact I don't think I would presume to turn up at the hospital or at their home without being invited to and making sure DIL was okay with it.

Oh and I agree with the poster who said rather get the visits out of the way in hospital.

It's 10X worse once you are home. Then you are expected to entertain + feed + bleed + deal with stitches/horrendous pain/wind/crying baby.

just make a hard and fast rule - no visitors except daddy at the hospital. none.

A cs is major surgery and you shouldn't be stressing about this. When you arrive, ask the Mw to put on your notes that visitors are 2 at a time limited to 30 mins. Make sure they check with your dh you are ok to receive. Not on the first day, the second one can be hell with after pains anyway.

Tell the new Mw on each shift. Get your dh to tell the pil. Who is looking after your other child? Can you ask pil to go and see their other gc with gifts for your other one?

I wouldn't have wanted a load of people round my bed talking and watching me attempt to bf a newborn. I had 2 cs and the mw asked me if i wanted visitors and said they were happy to say no to anyone! Thats when the elephantine hide of the mw comes in useful Also say no cameras. Your dh can take any pics. It's very intrusive IMO, and you should be the one to show pics of your nb if you want to.

OP YANBU. I am shocked at how many people think you are!

I refused to have any visitors in hospital - I don't think PIL were actually planning to come anyway as they are about 2.5 hours away, but my parents were a but put out. I had pre-warned them but they didn't expect us to stick to it!

My parents (who live an hour away) popped over (with permission!) the day I came out, just for an hour or so. My PIL and SIL then came down when baby was a week old, but they stayed 8 hours and brought my 7 year old neice with them who kept pestering me. They did cook dinner and try to be helpful but just having them there that long was too much - I was having an awful time establishing feeding, and spent most of the day upstairs on my own trying to feed or express, and crying my eyes out. It was just too much!

The second time round I was much more assertive, and didn't hesitate to say / make DH say when I'd had enough!

I feel your pain OP.

The day before I had an elective CS my DH came home from work and ranted on about the state of the house (actually it was relatively tidy but not up to MIL's exacting standards). Surprise, surprise, when I was in hospital, my IL's came came to stay. They turned up at the hospital the very minute visiting time started and stayed all day. The next day, more ILs turned up at the hospital, having been given a slap up lunch by MIL. Incidentally, my DH had told me to tell my parents before the birth that they were too old to make the journey to see me and the baby, so you can imagine how they felt when I told them that all the ILS had been.

Also, surprise, I couldn't establish breast-feeding with all of them gawping, and my newborn cried all night, so I could not sleep. By the time I left hospital I had not slept for 3 nights, and the night I came home I could hear my MIL snoring away while I struggled to feed my baby. AAAAArgh!

rant over

OP, just say you don't want them visiting you in hospital, or lie and say that the hospital is limiting visitors due to an MRSA outbreak etc.

YANBU!!!

When men have their appendix out it does not then follow that they will have a helpless, poopy newborn to look after. BUT if they were given a helpless, poopy newborn to look after people would think that was utter madness and would HELP them. I expect they would not be at the hospital for hours on end being no help whatsobloody ever whenever they felt like it simply so they could boast to their friends, because that would make them selfish, unreasonable gits.

Why do people think it's alright to treat women this way?

Not in the best of moods today and when I saw this title I thought "bloody hell not another "Don't want MIL at the hospital" story.

Do you know what

"Toughen up Princess"

Was talking to a friend yesterday and we both agreed that everything these days seems to be a BIG DEAL.

I guess we're both lucky that we both have DDs who adore their in-laws and are adored By their in-laws.

I guess we're both lucky that we both have DDs who adore their in-laws and are adored By their in-laws.

Well yes you are, but I don't see how that and your attitude help the OP at all.

YANBU, assuming you ban all visitors to the newborn.

You don't "earn" visiting rights by service.

Compromise: DH takes new baby between feeds and for agreed length of time away from the bedside to meet his family. You don't have to put up with them post-operatively at all. DH and family can then form their relationship with the new baby in their own way, and as you don't seem to like them much at any time, it's likely to remain suitable all round.

Toughen up princess?! How mean is that. After a huge, dangerous operation that needs recovery time AND with a newborn to look after you think she needs to toughen up.

There is no hard and fast rule that if you have one visitor you have to have all visitors. My mil came to the hospital and was the first family to see DD which she is, to this day, so proud of because she didn't see her other son's baby until he was four days old. None of my business why.

I'm pleased she came because it meant a lot to her but she is generally lovely and was perceptive enough to only stay 20 minutes AND realised post-EMCS that I wasn't up to much. If she had been like the OP's in laws then I would have had no qualms telling her not to visit next time.

Scaevola at the hospital where DD and DS were born, babies weren't allowed off the ward, and there was no public communal area on the ward so the only place to see a baby would be at the bedside.

If a man had major surgery, was catheterised, bleeding from his genitals and not having more than 2 hours sleep at a time, was happy to see his parents but didn't want to see his ILs in hospital, no one would see the problem.

But because OP (and other women) have given birth, having gone through one of the most physically and emotionally knackering things anyone goes through, they're expected to be a good girl, put up, shut up and toughen up princess, put their own needs last because the non-existent rights and 'needs' of ILs (and sometimes their own parents) can't possibly be less important than those of the new mother.

YANBU. At all. You are the one going through and recovering from major surgery. They have already proved themselves to be completely inconsiderate anyway. If ever there is a time in your life when you get to be selfish, this is it. Your DH must step up and explain it to them. Good luck!

I think yab a little u. But if your husband wants them there get him to lay down the law. No visitors until day 2 or 3. No photos. A short visit only 1 hour tops. Tell them the nurses say so because you are not well. Or is there a way they can just see the baby and not you? Fake being asleep???? <clutching at straws>

It might be mean but it's reality. The OP is going to face a lot tougher situations during the next 20 odd years.

I don't necessarily agree that all and sundry should visit. (Would think that anyone with half a brain would know when to stay away).

When my DD had her first I was at work (hospital was only 5 minutes drive away). She phoned me at work and said "Hi Mum can you come now".

I dropped everything and went.

She also called her MIL with the same message.

I know a C-section isn't the easiest thing in the world to get through (I had one). I also had an ectopic pregnancy that burst). Close to death, massive blood transfusions and a very close friend visiting me in hospital and cheerfully asking me "Do they know if it was a boy or a girl?"

I forgave her this because when you don't have any DC of your own you can't really understand the depth of emotion that is felt.

What I do remember is the familiar faces of family and friends visiting me in the hospital and holding my hand. My DS apologied also apologised for not bringing my Godson (3 years old at the time) because she felt he would be scared of all the tubes coming out of me,

cross out the also apologised.

Can you get DH to have a chat with his parents individually about helping out more? You'll need more help with 2, sometimes being direct rather than putting up with a rubbish relationship is the way to go. If MIL really can't babysit sleeping children, (maybe it's anxiety?) perhaps she can bring some meals over? It sounds in general as though you need to feel less put upon by them, this is an extreme example of them not respecting your wishes.

IMO I would suggest they came for the evening session 7-9.
You need to take the opportunity to rest up before coming home to a new baby and toddler.

coralanne that doesn't work for everyone though, women should not be guilt tripped or told they're rude if that is the case.

That's a shame you had such a bad experience coralanne, but having an ectopic pregnancy and being creeped out by ignorant in laws are 2 different things.

Yanbu I said no visitors at all, not even my own mother and I love her dearly! Just needed to have a period where it was just 'us'. It's your baby!

Yanbu.dh must ensure they don't visit until you're ready. Good luck

Oops, meant to preview, not post. Sweetieaddict just tell the truth - you're exhausted, you're in pain and you just want your Mum and sisters to support you, nobody else. Hopefully they'll understand

YABU to let your family come and not his that's really unfair. I would be gutted if my sons wife didn't let me see my new grandchild but the other grandma was allowed to
Let everyone come and meet the new member of the family you should be grateful they want to

I think you have to let them come, really. But couldn't you arrange a "roster"? If it suits FIL to come in the evening after work, let that be his time, but get DH to say in advance, it's only 20 mins.

Get your DM and DSis to bring your older DC during the day, also at a specific time. Then you can show to the PIL that you are being fair, it's just that you can't cope with loads of visitors all at once, when you are unwell.

YANBU!

YANBU I had DS naturally and told all my family that they couldn't come to the hospital. However I had a easy birth and was home the next day. I think you are right to say what you want I think your DH is upset as he sees it as your family is allowed his isn't. I would either stick to your guns an try to make your DH understand (you have experience of the last time to remind him of) or allow you in laws to visit on one day (approved by you) at least a few days after (in the hospital) when you know you felt ok last time.
I am prob BU but I was the one giving birth and it was my choice! When we got home I then let people visit (I could go and rest or get a shower why they did)

YANBU - I see all the MIL militia are out in force on this thread.

Does no one else find it creepy the FIL was checking her out in her nightgown? After she'd just had a caeserean? Or that BIL was saying'you look awful' but taking pictures anyway?

I dont think you are being unreasonable. You're the one having the big operation. If the op was for anything else other than having a baby, then noone would expect you to have visitors, other than the people you are close to, like your mum.
Personally I think your pil are being a bit rude. Theres no way I would intrude on my daughter in law unless she wanted me to be there. I'd wait until she got home, and then I'd go and see the baby and help dil with the housework as well.

Oh and if anyone dared to tell me to "toughen up princess" ( wtaf?!) They would have been whacked in the face with my catheter bag.

Sounds like the problem is with your DH tbh.

Not fair to exclude the inlaws completely, they are just as much grandparents as your mum.

However, it is up to your DH to ensure that they only come for one short visit at a convenient time for you, not turning up whenever and as much as they like.

Sorry but I think yabu here.
Just because your in laws aren't the kind of grandparents you want them to be doesn't mean you should exclude them here. Grandparents are not obligated to provide free childcare, some want to, some don't that doesn't mean they care less about the child. Either you have no grandparents visiting or all of them, it sounds possible to me that you may well have alienated them last time.

That doesn't mean you can't have visiting rules and your Dh needs to be primed to advocate for you here and enforce them. So when you give them the news invite them to visit for 20 mins at a certain time. Dh then evicts them and makes an appointment for the next visit.

It would be worth finding out how the ward works too, when I had dd1 I was in hospital for 10 days. Dd1 was the first child on both sides of the family do lots of keen visitors. With many of them they would pop in to see me for literally 2 mins and then Dh took them and dd1 to the dayroom whilst I had a snooze. Worked really well. Dh was like a dragon making sure I wasn't overwhelmed or tired out by visitors. You need to prep your Dh to fulfil this role.

For those saying it's not fair on the ILs, have you actually read what the OP has said about how they have behaved in the past?

If the ILs were reasonable and helpful, then it'd be fair enough for everyone to be equal. But they have proved themselves to be arseholes before so I think ground rules are needed.

The only person who gets to make the decision is the one giving birth.

I agree You.

Yes, but the baby sitting is only an issue in light of them using visiting to score brownie points with acquaintances. They're not being helpful while they're there, in fact they're being very intrusive to say the least. You don't size family members up like joints of meat. You. Just. Don't.

OP I understand your point of view, but I think that it's been coloured by your previous bad birth experience.

The one thing I'd really like to reassure you about, though, is that an elective CS will almost certainly be a very different experience to an emergency CS. All these drama queens wailing about dangerous, huge surgery. Oh, please. You'll be anasthetised, it will be planned, rather than reactive. It will be calm. Pain will be managed. After the birth, you'll rest and bond with your lovely new baby in the hospital.

I do think you should allow IL's to visit in a limited way and in a timeframe that suits you. Tell the midwives, and instruct your husband that no visit exceeds, say, 30 minutes or whatever you're comfortable with. To exclude them totally would, I think, just lead to a whole lot of hurt feelings and more trouble than it's worth.

It's in my birth plan that no visitors other than my husband are allowed unless I have to stay in for a few days and then only with my express permission. My parents won't visit anyway due to age and infirmity and the MIL will have to cope until we get home or change our minds. It's easier for me because MrBlonde is totally on side with this.

It's perfectly ok to say that you felt really rough after your last c-section and you need to focus on recovery so your default position is no visitors unless you're feeling up to it, and you'll let people know if you're feeling up to it. The midwives won't let anyone in unless you ok it anyway and can alway tell on spec visitors that you're with the doctor/nurse and won't be done until after visiting hours are over.

Just make sure your husband emails round some early photos and stands firm on your behalf

What on earth is wrong with a grandparent "boasting" about their new grandchild?
It is a good thing they are proud and enthusiastic. Grandparents do not have a responsibility to provide childcare and their worth as a GP should not be judged on this.

And grandparents DO NOT have the right to ride roughshod over their dils wishes either.

As someone with this battle to come - I should say be assertive etc - however, I'm a wimp so I'd be hypocritical to do so.

And as for grandparent "boasting" - sorry but grandparents who put no time in but want the cutesy photos to pass around their friends and brag about, or who are ashamed of certain aspects of their grandchildren (my own issue here) can sod off and actually be proud when they've done something to be proud OF.

Far too many who view daughter in laws as just some uterus on legs to produce the grandchildren.

"For those saying it's not fair on the ILs, have you actually read what the OP has said about how they have behaved in the past?

If the ILs were reasonable and helpful, then it'd be fair enough for everyone to be equal."

No, I really don't think it works like that. I don't think punishing ILs for not providing childcare by withholding access to their newborn grandchild is the way to go.

The problem seems to be the fact that they were around far too much last time, came and went as they pleased and were there when the OP wasn't comfortable to receive visitors. All of those problems are for the OP's DH to police. She shouldn't be worrying about having to argue with the ILs or turn them away. Her DH ought to be putting his foot down, arranging a suitable short time for a visit, and making sure that is all that happens.

If he's allowing his parents to behave as they did last time, that is his fault.

YANBU. You call the shots in this situation, end of. I can't stand this sort of god give right some visitors seem to think they have!

DD was born middle of the night, MIL turned up at the hospital at 5.45am. Fucking ridiculous. The midwife promptly sent her away. She came back at 8.30am.

I just saw it as a control thing. She wanted to be the first to see the new baby.

YABFU...

You're being tight to the PIL and just trying to find some justification to exclude them. If this was reversed round the other way and your DH was supriously excluding your family then I suspect you'd hand him his ass on a plate. So what if you look rough, get a grip, you can't seriously expect to look like some perfect model after the stress of child birth. There's nothing wrong with seeing them for a visiting session and stressing no pictures if they drag the camera out. This sounds more like a matter of principle for you now then genuinely caring about the realities, you're trying to punish them for not providing the level of support you deem correct. If i was your DH I'd be a bit pissed off at you. Yes congratualtions you carried round a baby in your body for 9 months, I'm sure there's medals in the post on the way to you, doesn't give you the right to be deliberately awkward though.

It is interesting how these threads go. I don't for a moment endorse tit-for-tat behaviour or being needlessly obstructive, but there is a tendency for a lot of posters coming on to say what amounts to 'you have to be nice you have to be nice you have to be nice' to in-laws who don't seem to feel much compunction to be nice or considerate.

I don't think women always have to be nice and accommodating to people who don't do the same for them, nor why the onus is often put exclusively on DILs, well, younger women generally, to sacrifice their interests to keep family relationships ticking over.

If the PIL are not going to take any account of what DIL and the baby need (and that's what OP thinks, based on past experience), it is not unreasonable for her to restrict her contact with them. And let's keep things in proportion: OP is talking about delaying the first visit for a couple of days, not cutting them off forever.

I am just baffled by the stampede of people that insist on visiting in hospital. It's much nicer to get home first, then when you feel better have some visitors.

Ok.

I if I have read the op correctly the op's Mum and sister ate being allowed to visit because they are looking after the Op's DC and understandably need to be able to bring him in to meet his new sibling and see his Mum

Not because they are more important although given the appalling behaviour of the in laws last time I wouldn't think it at all unreasonable for the op to want people there who are going to support her and not those who don't.

However those of you who are likening this to a visit after any other major operation are missing the point. It is nothing like that. The in laws understandably want to come and visit their new grandchild. They are not coming to see the op and wouldn't i'm sure expect to if you took the baby out of the equation. This does not mean that the new mum's wishes go out of the window and of course the final word on who visits should be up to her. But it's a ridiculous comparison.

Of you are ably to limit your in laws to one visit off a define length of time when you choose I think this will be the easiest option for long term family harmony. However if they will ride rough shod over your wishes they need to fuck off. So get your dh on side to explain how it's going to be before hand. If there is any sign that they are not listening tell them they have a choice to do it like this or not come at all.

If your Mum and sister are overbearing they need to be told the same. They are not which is why, along with the fact they will need to bring your ds in, they are welcome

When you've just had a traumatic time, and you are tearful maybe, emotional, tired, in pain, in shock even, you look like shite, you feel like shite, your bleeding and haven't slept. It could be a birth - it could be a car crash! Who do you want with you for those first hours in hospital?

You really only want those who you feel most at ease with around you. Your partner, a parent, maybe your sister, or your close friend. They come to be there for the patient, not as a guest at a viewing. Nice for them that they get an early peep at baby too.

Is it really so hard to understand this? Every MIL has given birth herself. Where is the empathy with the fellow woman? EVERY birth is different. EVERY woman has the right to feel the way she feels after giving birth. Some women are joyful after birthing, some are downright traumatised and need a bit of space and understanding.

There's years for the GPs to bond with the grandchild. There's time aplenty in next few weeks.

It's not about rights. Of course everyone wants to see the new baby - but goodness me, we cant always have what we want.

Personally i didn't want my mum or my MIL at the hospital. My mum fusses and i didn't feel close enough to my PIL to be comfortable in that vulnerable state in front of her. It was about me, funnily enough. Not them.
(they all turned up anyway but that's another story).

When my Mum and Dad visited the day after DS1 was born I was trying to establish breastfeeding. It wasn't pretty.

Just re-read the OPs post.

It seems as though it depends on how much childcare has been provided as to who is allowed to visit.

I feel sorry for your D H. What should be a magical time in your life is already being soured by the bickering about what might happen.

There's an old saying.

"Careful what you wish for".

"Just because your in laws aren't the kind of grandparents you want them to be doesn't mean you should exclude them here. Grandparents are not obligated to provide free childcare, some want to, some don't that doesn't mean they care less about the child. Either you have no grandparents visiting or all of them, it sounds possible to me that you may well have alienated them last time".

The whole basis of this argument is that the OP is excluding her PiLs from a relationship with the baby. She's not, she'd just rather not see them after a major operation when emotionally and physically exhausted. People who want genuine relationships with the baby should be happy to wait a few days. People who just want to go to the hospital in the immediate aftermath of the birth are basically idiots if they think that it'll make any difference, over the course of a lifetime, whether they saw the baby at 1 day old or 4. The only people who are crucial in that time frame are the baby's primary carer(s).

The birth is a huge physical trauma for the mother in this case, for which she must be hospitalised. Many people like lots of visitors in that situation but just as many don't really want to see anyone who they don't feel close to. Would you insist she saw her PiLs after, say, a bladder or bowel repair? Would you say she was being unfair in that case, if she wanted her mum there and not her MiL?

I really wish people would stop treating the OPs medical status as an inconvenient fact that should not in any way get in the way of PiLs relationship with the baby. As if 4 days rest for the mum and waiting for them would change anything fundamental about the relationship with the baby. People who think this is important are like people who think the mark of a good relationship is what you get on Valentine's day and not how you are treated every other day of the year. [hmmm]

However those of you who are likening this to a visit after any other major operation are missing the point. It is nothing like that

Yes it is. It is exactly like that when the op is getting over her operation. If the pils had any respect they would ask what the dil wants and stick to that. The worlds not going to stop turning because they had to wait a few days to see the baby.

Everyone is different and entilted to be. I think it is important to reach an agreement with DH though ( I know he hasn't given birth but it is his family too and he will be more supportive if you are able to come up with a reasonable solution together).

We have said nothing except the 3 of us for first 24 hours. Will call both sides and confirm all ok (we hope) and then out of contact. Also one visit from each side in first 2 weeks but no stay overs.

For us it's helped that doing the same with both parents but our first so no existing childcare issues.

DH usually works really long hours so doing everything we can to protect a little bit of time together as a new family first. They have loads of time for bonding after.

I would at least give them some assurance over everything being ok though. Promise to call/send a picture (you can always not be in it is don't want to be) - perhaps just DH and baby? That might help a bit.

scaredbutexcited The voice of reason amongst all the over emotional responses.

I can see both sides, your IL's sound like they were a pain last time but then I can see how awkward your husband would feel telling them to stay away, he loves his parents like you love yours and probably wants to show his child off too.

If it were me I'd tell everyone to leave it until the day afterwards and get your husband to text them a photo that you have preapproved or ask your own family to come from say 4-6 then the IL's from 6-8, you could always tell a white lie and say it's hospital policy for max 2 visitors.

You are not being unreasonable. I understand what you say about your own family and the support they've given you - they are already a big part of your DC's life and will presumably be as involved with your new DC, so there is much more of a reason for then to visit the new baby earlier on.

Your PIL sound like they are very focused on themselves and have never gone out of their way to support you and DH, or even had some empathy for you after your last birth. You won't get this time back, so why spoil it by having unwanted visitors in the first few days? You could say that you have a catheter in & don't feel comfortable having visitors there while that is hanging off your leg - and while your trying to establish breastfeeding. Surely that's fair enough and they won't push to come.

Good luck, I hope you have a better experience this time.

I don't think the OP helped her argument by seeming to value grandparents by how much babysitting they do. None of my relatives provided childcare as they live too far away and if they visit us I want to see them not go to the pub and leave them babysitting. Looking after my kids is our responsibility, relatives just play with them when they see them, and they also come to see us, the OP hasn't discussed how she and her husband get on with his parents apart from the childminding issue.

I have still never felt as awful as I did immediately after childbirth and do think that the days immediately after childbirth should be about caring for the mother and supporting her, not fussing over the baby. If you give birth at home or go home immediately after birth you can refuse to let people in until you feel up to visitors. You shouldn't be public property just because you give birth in a hospital.
A grandparents relationship with their grandchildren mainly depends on them having a good relationship with the parents. I think emailing or texting a photo and update the day after the birth sounds fine.
There are some people who feel hospital visiting is a duty and that they are failing if they don't visit. My grandparents were like this and my grandmother would spend hours visiting relatives because she felt it was what a "good" relative did. From the comments made by the inlaws friends they may be like this, and newborn babies are exciting events (although the babies themselves aren't that exciting IMO).
If the OP doesn't want alot of visitors I'd stress this, and the fact that she is recovering from an operation and when visitors are welcome.

It's not at all unreasonable to not want visitors for a couple of days after having surgery. If said surgery were for anything other than extracting a baby then I doubt the grandparents would be so keen to rush round immediately.

Giving parents the time they need to adjust to the new baby and recover a bit from the surgery is just common courtesy.

And I might want my sisters around (not that they will be) because they would make themselves useful and not critique the state of my skirting boards or leave tea bags in the sink but I wouldn't want my MIL around when I was feeling ropey and vulnerable because as great as she is in many ways (and she is) she can also be very critical and neurotic which isn't helpful

Boredwench
YABFU...

You're being tight to the PIL and just trying to find some justification to exclude them. If this was reversed round the other way and your DH was supriously excluding your family then I suspect you'd hand him his ass on a plate. So what if you look rough, get a grip, you can't seriously expect to look like some perfect model after the stress of child birth.

Imo YOU are the one being unreasonable. In the aftermath of an ELCS I did NOT want anyone other than DP seeing me in that sorry state. It's not just "looking a bit rough" it was WAY beyond that. It's about having a bit of time to try and return to feeling almost human again, not about trying to look perfect. I had the CS in the morning and my parents and PIL visited for a short while in the afternoon. Even though I'd been cleaned up, I was still in bed waiting for the epidural to wear off, and I know my MIL thought that I still looked bloody awful.

I was grateful they were short visits as I wanted to bf and as a first time mum I was then not wanting to do so in public (even in front of my own parents) until I'd got it sussed.

I can see the OP was using the childcare issue as a way of explaining how she sees their attitude, I don't believe she's trying to go tit for tat.

The needs of the mum and baby must come first.

TBH i think you are making more of a big deal about this than you should. Just get them to stick to visiting hours, the day after CS, and then see them briefly when you get home.

"At the end of the day, does it REALLY make any difference if they visit? Would it be so bad to give up 30 minutes of your day? You will have the other 23 hours and 30 minutes to yourself."

yy to this

Just tell them that your section date is a week after it really is. Job done. Then go into labour unexpectedly and hide DH's phone oh was DH too busy with DC1 and everything so he waited 24 hours to tell them. Whoops.

Would the hospital midwives refuse to let anyone in for you after 7pm?

Just tell them that your section date is a week after it really is. Job done. Then go into labour unexpectedly and hide DH's phone oh was DH too busy with DC1 and everything so he waited 24 hours to tell them. Whoops.

Would the hospital midwives refuse to let anyone in for you after 7pm?

It sounded as though it wasn't just 30 minutes though as if it was then there wouldn't have been a problem last time.

You don't want your in laws there but you'll have your own family there? That's a bit rude tbh. I think the same rule should apply to both families if you really want privacy.

When my son was born, my sil and brother came into the delivery suite whilst I was showering and met my baby whilst there were bloody sheets on the bed and my knickers and bra just hanging off a chair . Then they left my ill dad and niece next to my bedside for 5 hours whilst I suffered horrendous after pains. For that reason alone, I wouldn't want even my own family coming to the hospital again if I have another baby.

'Fuck off'

is a complete sentence.

You can also say this to your DH if he doesn't agree to respect your wishes and understand why you only want a very limited number of visitors you feel completely comfortable whilst in hospital recovering from surgery.

You don't actually have to give ANY reason to justify this either. So no need to say anything about lack of babysitting. Its not about being 'fair' or not. Its about you feeling crowded, uncomfortable and having your privacy not respected. If you DH can not comprehend this, then I think you have every right to tell him to do one too!

You can have the party playing pass the baby at a later date. There is no reason why ANY family member needs to be there if you don't want them to be or you think its going to cause you distress.

Simple as that.

Fakebook Her own family are looking after the older child and will be visiting so the older child can meet their sibling.

Am I the only one when I read this kind of thing on mumsnet, tend to think the truth might be somewhere in the middle? I' m not saying the OP is wrong in what she experienced or is exaggerating but we only ever hear one side of the story. Sounds like the Op isn't keen on the inlaws, all of them. So either it's not that simple or the inlaws are just all horribe, totally unreasonable people. I think it can be harder for PIL's to have that kind of easy relationship with the DIL and children that the DIL's own family might have, maybe that is partly why they seem aloof.

Anyway, good chance the hospital will be expecting you leave round about day 2, they were asking me if I was ready on day 3 after a 20 hour labour and an EMCS and I've heard ELCS are usually a lot easier and obviously less traumatic and exhausting.

I think YABU. Yes. You simply cannot have one rule for your family and one rule for your husband's unless there is a VERY VERY good reason. And as far as I can tell, this isn't it.

These threads are so frustrating and difficult to judge. I've seen MIL's slated for dominating a newborn baby and holding it too much but you are moaning that yours didn't hold your DS at all. I've seen MIL's slated for not coming to the hospital, or for not visiting soon enough, and showing a lack of interest (which if they've been reading MN they probably think is just giving the new mum and baby the space they need in the early days) and yet your MIL is being slated for coming every day. She was wrong to care enough to come every day, but she was also wrong to not care enough to hold the baby?

Honestly, MILs cannot bloody win. I rarely, if ever, see these complaints made against a woman's own mother.

It depresses me. If MILs seem a bit needy and controlling it probably because they are getting a (not unreasonable) feeling of being sidelined, and left out all the time. THIS IS THEIR SON'S LIFE. I wonder how many of you even bother to ask your husbands if they object to your parents having unlimited access to to you and the baby, or is that something that is just taken for granted?

There is no reason at all that visiting after birth should apply equally to both families. The woman is the only one who has given birth, has had an operation, is trying to breast feed, will be bleeding heavily have her hormones all over the place and be feeling crap.
It's not surprising that when feeling like this a woman is happier to see her own family who she has grown up with than someone else's. this isn't about the baby, it's about the mother. The baby isn't going anywhere, it will still be there in a few days when the mother feels more human.

Do both sets of grandparents NEED to see baby in hospital?

Does a couple of days really make all that difference to the rest of the family? Does it make a difference to the OP?

Is life fair?

My inlaws saw my eldest about 1 week before my mother and 3 weeks before my father because my parents both worked and lived 8 hours away so a woman's parents aren't always the first ones to see the baby. When my mum did come I was much more pleased to see her than my MIL though because she was my mum and I actually needed a bit of mothering at that time.

The birth of my first was ruined by in laws and my own DF.

put it this way - second time round - they didnt even know and its been wonderful, when they did " find out" they were told to back right off.

a totally diff story and expeirence.

Oh for goodness sake 2rebecca, that is ridiculous. What, so poor ickle girl needs to see her mummy cos she's got a sore tummy?

Either both sets of parents get to go to the hospital or neither of the do. I cannot believe what princess-like, selfish, self-absorbed cows some people can be. No wonder their mother in laws hate them.

'Fuck off'

is a complete sentence.

Jesus, RedToothBrush I bet your MIL was smiling through gritted teeth in your wedding photos. You sound delightful.

Of course you would rather see your own mum than someone elses mum when you are sore, vulnerable and trying to establish breastfeeding! And this: "poor ickle girl needs to see her mummy cos she's got a sore tummy"? Bizarre.

It's not selfish or princess like to choose who visits you in hospital after you have had a major operation. There is plenty of time for everyone to see the baby when the mother feels up to it.

Right, so if it's the visiting with the other child that is the issue why can't the OP's parents just hand him over at the hospital door to her DH, and go for a cup of tea somewhere? Let them wait a few days to see mum and baby as well.

Although, somehow I think that won't be happening, and someone will be along soon to explain why that's ok, and 'different'.

What a load of bollocks.

I think so many women get the relationship with their in laws that they deserve. That is all.

My MIL wasn't invited to the wedding with good reason!

(we went abroad on our own to avoid the scenario and my DH didn't want her there either).

It ia different with your own mum, and yes, when I feel like shit and am an emotional wreck, I want my mum. If that makes me a poor ickle princess, then so be it. When i was leaking breastmilk everwhere, bleeding through oads and struggling to sit down on a wooden chair because my inlaws took up the whole feckin sofa, and I had had a brutal forceps delivery, I did not want to explain that my vagina was hurting to my FIL. Even though I like him. I can say that to my mum.

At least my inlaws had the good grace to stay in a hotel and not hang around for hours and houra. I don' get why you would need more than a half hour cuddle with a newborn anyway. They are dull.

Agree with Fellatio, think many DIL would just love a big button they could press and make the husbands family just disappear. Depressing.

It's different because the mother wants her family there.

I totally get that babies don't just belong to the parents and they are part of a wider family, but during labour, birth and the immediate aftermath the mother's wishes trump all else - she can have who she wants, when she wants.

YANBU

I would have been mortified if my in-laws or anyone had arrived when I still had a catheter etc. And I get on brilliantly with my in-laws.

However the day after for an hour would have been ok.

But after my 3rd c-section I was basically chucked out of the hospital after 24 hours so there was not time for any visitors anyway.

Good luck!

Ooh, spot the trolls...

Post operative person has newborn to look after, operation to recover from and father in law that sizes her up in her night gown so drops in even when he's told not to (skin crawling), bil that laughs about how rough she looks so is obviously too dumb to realise it's a good time to get lost and mil who drops in whenever she wants and is too dumb to know that's impolite and inconvenient. I wouldn't want to see people like that either, in hospital or out.

I find it very strange some people don't get this - is the highlight of their year checking out their dil post op as well?

So strange when people see newborns as some kind of toy/prize that everyone must have their equal chunk of Why not just let the woman who has carried for 9 months, birthed, and is feeding the baby have a couple of days being a "poor ickle princess" to recover?

Yanbu.

After 6yrs I am still fuming at the way everyone invaded the hospital and our house when I was recovering from an EMCS. Looking back I seriously don't know what they were thinking treating me like an animal in a zoo when I was hooked up to a drip and throwing up post op .

Second time around (planned CS) I did manage to get (X)P to tell his family I didn't want any visitors, they aren't local so they didn't know I still had my family who are actually nice and supportive. 2 weeks without them getting in my way or moaning about me bf, was lovely.

I accept that the OP may be feeling a bit peaky after an ECS. I accept that she may not want visitors when she has a catheter etc.

I do not accept that it is ok to exclude her PIL's and override any excitement that her DH and his family may have over seeing the baby, and yet still allow her family to see her/it. In the interests of fairness it should be everyone, or no-one.

"In the interests of fairness" - that's exactly the attitude I mean! Everyone must have their fair turn with the new toy baby.

I do not accept that it is ok to exclude her PIL's and override any excitement that her DH and his family may have over seeing the baby, and yet still allow her family to see her/it. In the interests of fairness it should be everyone, or no-one.

Why should it be about fairness rather than the best interests of the mother? Why is fairness more important?

Seriously? Why?!

Fellatio - whoa there, you'll be accused of being a troll next - oh wait, you already have.

I accept that the OP may be feeling a bit peaky after an ECS. I accept that she may not want visitors when she has a catheter etc.

Peaky? Fucking peaky? The woman will be recovering from major abdominal surgery. Oh and some MILs get the DIL they deserve that is all. I'm shocked by some of the responses on this thread.

I accept that the OP may be feeling a bit peaky after an ECS.

Please, please, remember this if your appendix ever bursts, or if you have kidney stones, or you have abdominal pain or surgery for any reason.

You're just feeling a bit peaky

"What, so poor ickle girl needs to see her mummy cos she's got a sore tummy? hmm



hillarious!!!

I can just imagine my MIL spitting out that line!

*"Jesus, RedToothBrush I bet your MIL was smiling through gritted teeth in your wedding photos. You sound delightful. "



I have the most classic picuture of exaclty that ^.

they nealry ruined the day, and unfortunaly we did our own wedding film, and somehow it got turned on them through the ceromony!

Looking back, I wish we had had the courage to exclude them totally. I think it was my stupid DF putting pressure on me to invite them inspite of their past behaviours. It made me feel v uncomfortable and I could have happily done without thier inolvment.

Yes, we wouldn't want to treat the husband and father's family equally and with the same respect afforded to the wife's family.

"I think so many women get the relationship with their in laws that they deserve. That is all. "

I did, your right, It was awful, we let them walk all over us - ruin our lives - the birth of our first DD nearly sent me insane - literally.

Now we have been brave enough to take the reigns of our own life and say - 'enough is enough', now we live in pretty much bliss....and I cherish each day of pure unadultered happiness I have with my DH and our two beautful DD's and I cherish the time I have with DD2 too wihtout my horrid in laws over my shoulder.

My in-laws saw all my babies first, ie, before my family because that's how it turned out.

But no one except DH saw me with the catheter in.

I am very sick after c-sections so really wouldn't have wanted visitors that night.

And it is different for your own mother to see you looking and feeling dreadful - it just is. I have 2 sons and I'd totally get this if and when they have children.

By the way op,

I had a nasty faint before my chosen visitors arrived. Even then it was a little annoying as they were supposed to arrive at x time and turned up late.

I had fainted - they had to hit emergency button as it took a long time for me to come round, I felt v strange and tearful and shaken up after because I kept thiking, is this real or have I fainted again.

I rallied knowing these visitors were coming and they were sooo late. You just dont know what will happen to you, you mustn push yourself.

I can still remember being a little surprised when the ILs found their way to the hospital a short-while after I made it back to the ward after giving birth.

Absolutely hated it when the midwife arrived and suggested that I had a bath so I could have a wee (still there hours later) with them listening (I had had a spinal). Midwife drew the curtains round so I could have some privacy whilst getting out bed with my short nightie on and MIL and FIL stayed on the bed side of the curtains and watched! I still kick myself for not saying anything!

DH had to leave when the ILs did as they helpfully decided to bring our dog they were looking after for us (only since that morning - it was mid afternoon by this point) with them and decided to give him back in the car park. I would have loved just a little bit of time with just DH before he left for the night!

I guess it was all fine but it just didn't occur to me that anyone would think this was ok. I had assumed that they would keep the dog at their house until DH got back and then they would come and visit the next day...I guess they were just excited, which was nice. I'm not likely to give birth again but if I was I think I would ask them to wait until I was ready for visitors first, despite knowing them better now.

I don't have a DM so that wasn't an issue. I would hope that when I am a MIL that I would understand that my DIL would be more comfortable with her DM after giving birth and I could just wait.

If my two sons ever have children, I will not need to dash to the hospital. I would be quite happy to wait for an invitation to see the baby. It wouldn't bother me one bit if i wasn't the first grandparent to do it, and would totally understand my DIL may want to see her parents.

Its not about whose family they are,its about how comfortable in that suituation the person whose given birth is with them.

I hate to break this to you Nay but a troll is not merely someone who has the temerity to disagree with you.

OK. so a solution. The OP wants to see her mum, dad, sister and anyone else she is quite happy to have in the room in spite of feeling/looking rough as a badger's arse, full of tubes, 'getting to grips with BFing' etc. So they can come in.

She does not feel comfortable seeing the IL's in those circumstances, and should not have to if she doesn't want to. Agreed?

How about the PIL's go into the visitors' room/nursery/corridor/whatever, and not on the actual ward/bedside, and DH takes baby out to meet them for 15 minutes?

Any objections?

Come on people. Rack your brains to think of a good reason why this should not happen. The OP is relying on you.

BegoniaBampot Mon 25-Feb-13 14:33:06
Yes, we wouldn't want to treat the husband and father's family equally and with the same respect afforded to the wife's family.

You've still not answered why this is actually so important. Why is fairness more important than the dignity, respect and wishes of the person lying in hospital?

I am obviously very lucky that my PIL are nice, normal people who didn't feel the need to rush to the hospital hours after I had given birth. Funnily enough we have a great relationship!

Sparkling you might have to wait a long time for an invite if the attitude towards the husbands family here is anything to go by. And not talking about the OP's situation here, just the overall tone about how unimportant PIl's seem to be viewed. I always sort of knew that when a man marries, chances are the couple will gravitate towards the wife's family and the husband's family just aren't viewed equally. Reading mumsnet just confirms that. Obviously there will be exceptions.

Fellatio - if the OP can trust that her PIL will behave themselves, and only stay for 15 minutes to see the baby then that would be fine. Doesn't sound like they are those kind of people though, does it.

Nelson. What on earth makes you think it was you I was talking about

it's only a caesarean for christ sake,

not a ruddy heart transplant

(and I've had three CS)

Can't help but agree with Fellatio on this thread.

I dread being a MIL one day.

Well, I can perfectly understand DH wanting his family to share the excitement and see the baby in hospital. So, he should be prepared to act as gatekeeper, have them in in small groups and then tell them when to leave/stay away so the OP and baby can rest. OP can be in charge of doing that with her own family.

If everyone communicates and is considerate and DH and OP are a team, all should be well.

Oh wait...

True Begonia but until this thread I was unaware of 'competitive grandparenting' and have no intention of getting involved in it.

My two are 13 and 11 so I have a while to work this out. Well I had better have.

* I always sort of knew that when a man marries, chances are the couple will gravitate towards the wife's family and the husband's family just aren't viewed equally. Reading mumsnet just confirms that. Obviously there will be exceptions. *

Its been said before - people only come on here when they have probs, plenty of people do have a fab relationship with thier in laws.

Also lots of MILS have come to say why they seem to get on so well with thier dils and usually it simply invloves - giving dil some space, respect as a parent in her own right - and good lines of communictaion.

Probs occure when mil or pil seem to thrust themselves - opinons etc on dil.

I'm not dreading being a MIL at all - if you treat someone with kindness and respect that's what you tend to get back.

And my family and my PIL are of equal importance to our children, but they are not of equal importance to me. Sorry, but that's the way it is - I am closer to and more comfortable with my own mother.

Red toothbrush - it's not just about this case, seems it is a recurring theme throughout the family dynamics. And I Had a long labour, then EMCS, catheter etc. it didn't kill me to have one or two visitors for half an hour or so, actually enjoyed my friends visit as my family were hundreds of miles away and couldn't share that first excitement with me.

Come on people. Rack your brains to think of a good reason why this should not happen. The OP is relying on you.

Well, if the OP's ILs don't listen to "don't visit the hospital" when told to and don't get why laughing at someone looking shit in hospital isn't on, then I'm not sure they would accept going to the hospital and not being allowed on the ward anymore than just banning them from the hospital.

Its about the ILs having a lack of boundaries and not respecting the OPs wishes in the first place which has made her feel like she doesn't want them there.

It is their past behaviour that has led to this situation. It is not the OPs fault.

If this scenario was to be suggested in the way you think, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they failed to respect it given their previous, and the OP probably would feel justified in worrying that they would turn up on the ward anyway.

Begonia

And I Had a long labour, then EMCS, catheter etc. it didn't kill me to have one or two visitors for half an hour or so, actually enjoyed my friends visit as my family were hundreds of miles away and couldn't share that first excitement with me.

Do you mean "I" as In - I Queen of the ELC revcovery - meaning all else will and should feel exactly the same as the all powerful "I" after thier recovery?

Agree with FellatioNelson

Am I the only one when I read this kind of thing on mumsnet, tend to think the truth might be somewhere in the middle? I' m not saying the OP is wrong in what she experienced or is exaggerating but we only ever hear one side of the story. Sounds like the Op isn't keen on the inlaws, all of them

/\ and that.

How about the PIL's go into the visitors' room/nursery/corridor/whatever, and not on the actual ward/bedside, and DH takes baby out to meet them for 15 minutes?

If the ops pils can be counted on respecting this and if not the DH can be counted on to enforce this - no.

What does past presedent say?>

Many hospitals now don't have a side room for visitors and won't let the baby leave the ward or that would be an option nelson

Op yanbu in not wanting them there in the immediate aftermath.

Maybe you should say what day you want them and a time limit so not everyday like last time.

And I agree it is for some peoples very different go have their own parents, after ds1 my mil anddp's aunt and her partner came to the hospital asap. I had had a three day lab our was very sore and on an for end bedrest due to SPD. They passed the baby around, made comments re feeding and insisted on pu z of them and do and baby... Not me I wasn't family...

We got stricter with no 2 just mil visited in hospital.

Ds3i was home after 4 hrsand it was Xmas so visitors were in the new year.

With ds4 and dd we had a week before visitors which annoyed dp,'s aunt but was what we felt comfortable with.

My inlaws insist on bringing their dog to our house, I am allergic to dogs!!

My parents didn't rush to visit for any, they asked when we wanted visitors!! Which is exactly what I will do when my children (four boys and one girl) have children.

No need to rush there within hours when mum is sore and tired. Dp's aunt doors this whenever anyone has a new baby as she 'has to see it when its new' offs give the new mum a bit of time to recover!

This comes down to two very basic points. (1) The right of a person in hospital to say STAY THE HELL AWAY to anyone/everyone (I can't understand why anyone would want to have visitors in hospital, particularly after a birth. The thought of unwelcome visitors is absolutely horrifying). (2) These particular people have demonstrated that they have no boundaries and can not be trusted to behave appropriate anyway. What this is NOT about is whether the parents of men have a worse deal than the parents of women. The Op has every right to her privacy and peace and should she decide that she wants her parents there for comfort, that is entirely up to her.

Begonia

Its lovely that you enjoyed your visitors I expect that's because they are people you trust to respect you and ones who you know well enough to feel comfortable about seeing even if your in discomfort.

As this is your second experience of a cs and visitors in hospital, I think you have every right to do things differently than last time.

Actually Sparkling neither would I. Honestly. But if my sons wanted me to be there asap to share their joy and excitement, then I would hope their partner would respect that. I would be furious if I though her parents were encouraged to see the baby, and we were expressly banned. It shouldn't have to be that the woman 'allows' it. The baby belongs to both parents equally. Even if she herself was not up to visitors, there is no reason she should be happy for her DH to take the baby off for 20 minutes, if that is what he would like.

MDC I'm sure if you say your PILs were the most vile toxic people on the planet then they were, but it is a mistake to project too much on threads like this. Most women do not have vile toxic in-laws, they just have in-laws who feel sad at being sidelined and pushed out of their sons' lives, and who are tired of walking on eggshells and trying to second guess what they are, or are not supposed to do to get their DIL's approval, and therefore reasonable access to their son and grandchildren.

All you women complaining, I hope for your sake it's only girls you've just given birth to.

I generally get on well with my ILs. But this is also by consciously not seeing them too often to minimise problems. My DH finds them more difficult than I do. Its usually him, rather than me, on the receiving end of the 'you should do this' or 'if only you were more like your brother'. I sometimes get it, but not to the same extent. Visits tend to end up with one of us getting upset over the whole thing and it just escalates.

He fortunately gets on very well with my parents (better than I do actually) and turns to them first rather than his own parents, because of his own parents behaviour, which at times is extremely controlling and manipulative.

Why does everyone automatically assume the issue with the ILs lies purely with the DIL?

Relationships rely on all parties to understand. The OP's ILs don't get the problem here. But then neither does the OP's DH as he's putting the idea of being 'fair' to him over the legitimate feelings and concerns of his wife.

He is seeing his needs and his parents needs as some sort of competition and more important than supporting his wife whilst she's in hospital and recognising why it upset her so much last time.

All you women complaining, I hope for your sake it's only girls you've just given birth to.

Yes, and even then I know I will have to learn to keep myself in check when they are older and force myself to back off when they have DC. I can certianly see myself just offering up my advice all the time and having to constantly remind myself to back off.

I will ask what they want me to do, if they said " please be at birth/hospital etc" I would, if they suddenly had a change of heart, or whatever I would respect that too.

Bascially I would just try and respect them.

if I did feel they were exlcuding me or being cruel or whatever I would certainly have a good hard look at my own behaviour to try and work out why.

Partners are not allowed to take babies off food a bit, they are often tagged with alarms that will go off now. Most wards don't have day rooms or visitor areas anymore or that would be an option.

I hope any son of mine supports his partner so if she isn't comfortable with us visiting straight after the birth he will say that and as a woman I would understand given how fragile and sore you can feel both physically and emotionally. I would rather wait for my dil to feel comfortable and then go for a short time and be helpful is with food and to enable her to rest.

Seriously Fellatio, you would be furious if you couldn't see the baby in hospital within days of the birth? Presumably only if they other grandparents did get to visit their daughter though because then it would be unfair (boo hoo, stamp your feet, it's your turn on the baby!). You sound like you'd be the kind of MIL that would get excluded tbh...

Off ward for a bit.

I think people who feel sidelined should look at their sons for an explanation before their DILS. Why is it always the woman's fault?

The baby belongs to both parents equally.

Actually the baby doesn't 'belong' to anyone...

Why does everyone automatically assume the issue with the ILs lies purely with the DIL?

In our case its def DH problems with his DP's first, they have no common ground, they do no get on, they do not respect him, I am sure somewhere unfathonmable to me - they do actually love him, but I dont think they like him.

And as me and DH are quite alike - I now have probs with them too.

5madthings, a voice of reason I would also rather wait a couple of days and visit my DS/DIL/new baby when they are ready than insist on turning up making her feel uncomfortable in order to get my fair share. That's what my MIL did, and as a result I have a good relationship with her, and she has a great relationship with DS. Isn't that the aim?

Exactly 5 and Maja. Still not getting the dashing to hospital thing anyway. Why do people do it?

Take the baby off for 20 minutes! I know I wouldn't have wanted my husband to take my baby off for 20 minutes after I had given birth! You'd be hormonal as it is without this sort of behaviour causing further upset. Can't the OP just have a peaceful time after giving birth? Doesn't she deserve at least that much?

Exactly maja I am also making sure my boys can cook and clean and look after themselves so they don't treat any partners as a skivvy! I am often shocked how useless some men seem to be, if I ever hear that my sons don't pull their weight around the house there will be words had!

Your dils will be very lucky 5mad and I am quite sure you will have fab relations with them all.

Amend re taking the baby off after birth, I had mine all skin to skin and kept them close to establish feeding. Cuddles with grandparents can wait a day or two till all are home and comfortable.

I can't get my head around why anybody thinks its ok to put there wishes for sharing in excitement over the wishes of someone who has those wishes because they are in pain discomfort or vulnerable.

Its incredibly selfish.

These days very few people are in hospital for more than a few days loads are home on the same day,why on earth does sharing in the excitement need to happen in that short time when its not wanted.

Fair enough if its wanted and asked for but if its not then its pushy selfish and smacks of being competitive.

I would feel the exact same way if the mother of the baby was my daughter or not. I have sons and daughters ( one of each who are currently adults) and I would also prioritise the wishes of the one who actually gave birth at the time.

Hopefully maja

YANBU

After my DS1 I was very ill in hospital after a crash c section, my PIL and all DH's brothers/sister and partners decided to visit, he is one of 5!!! I was ill catheterised and very overwhelmed.

So with DS2 elective c section due to risk it was decided only my DH, DM and other 2 DC would visit on day 1 and DMIL on day 2. No-one else came till I was home and settled. I was made to feel very guilty about it, but I stuck to my guns and it was the best decision I made.

You have to do what is best for you and your family, good luck

I agree MDC I would ask every step of the way what they both wanted, I would always check before visiting their home etc, but I would be wary if I felt my DS was being pressured into agreeing all the bloody time with a Prima Donna of a wife who just wanted to absorb him into her family and conveniently whitewash out about his. But as the mother of sons you are onto a hiding to nothing if you think you can challenge this.

I (so far) have no reason to think it will be an issue for me, but I do get so sick of hearing women on here carping endlessly about their MILs. They either do too much or too little. They won't leave you alone or they don't call often enough. They neglect the poor GCs or they monopolise them. They spend too much money on Christmas presents or not enough. They don't ask advice about presents for the GCs, and buy something inappropriate, or they do ask advice (or suggest they give you a cheque and you choose on their behalf) and they get slated for being lazy and unimaginative. Honestly, it's like a frigging national sport, and sometimes I can't for the life of me fathom what these poor women are supposed to have done wrong.

I appreciate that the OP's ILs don't sound like the greatest, most sensitive people, but I've just read one too many of these threads lately and I am running out of sympathy with them.

but I would be wary if I felt my DS was being pressured into agreeing all the bloody time with a Prima Donna of a wife who just wanted to absorb him into her family and conveniently whitewash out about his.

So it would be your DIL making the decision and not your DS at all. He'd be 'pressured' by his 'Prima Donna of a wife'.

I think you spell out the mentality very well, about control how you wouldn't question your DS and make the automatic assumption it must be her rather than your own precious child.

Still, not had a response to why 'fair' is more important than the wishes of someone recovering in hospital from an operation either...

Seriously Fellatio, you would be furious if you couldn't see the baby in hospital within days of the birth?

no, that is neither what I said, nor what I meant. I not in the least a clingy mother - I'm very laid back about this sort of thing. But I would abhor the idea that my son's needs or feelings were being ridden roughshod over, to accommodate his wife, ALWAYS in all things. A new baby is a pretty special thing for men too, you know.

I have had three children, all in different places/scenarios, but it never once occurred to me to categorise the visiting family members but order of importance according to whether they were my relatives, or his.

But then perhaps that's why I am still extremely happily married after 21 years. I recognise that it is not all about me.

Fellatio,

I completely agree with you about all the petty winges. But its when you step over from petty to things that are out of order when it should be acceptable to be pissed off.

But deferring to the person who just gave birth whilst she is still in hospital is called being decent and hardly evidence of her being a prima Donna

Take the baby off for 20 minutes! I know I wouldn't have wanted my husband to take my baby off for 20 minutes after I had given birth!

For goodness sake, I'm not talking about while they are still stitching you up! I mean the followind day, or something. And it would be with its father, not Osama Bin Fucking Laden.

The op isn't saying its because they are not her relatives, its because of their previous behaviour

Applauds Felatio

And hospitals now don't allow the baby to be taken off the ward or in some cases even out if the bay they are in, they are electronically tagged and alarms will go off.

If they would come the next day and visit for half an hour that would be fine but going by past experience the op knows that is not what they would do.

Sock no, perhaps 'Prima Donna' is not appropriate in the scenario of someone four hours out of surgery, but I am talking about wider, more general things than that.

5madthings Mon 25-Feb-13 15:31:20
The op isn't saying its because they are not her relatives, its because of their previous behaviour

Quite.

FellatioNels0n Mon 25-Feb-13 15:33:28
Sock no, perhaps 'Prima Donna' is not appropriate in the scenario of someone four hours out of surgery, but I am talking about wider, more general things than that.

Your son has a spine? Does he not?
If more generally he decides to side with his 'Prima Donna' wife rather than come home to mummy, then I'm sure its his decision and not really for you to judge.

OP seems to be saying it's because they don't provide childcare.

DebbieLovesDallas Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:48

Said it better than I could have done

OP you are most definitely NBU!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but my view is coloured by my own experience.

I've had 2 children, both by EMCS after long labours and 'failure to progress'.

DC1 was delivered late at night. The enxt day, my parents and DH's parents, sister and grandmother came to the hospital to visit me and DS1. My parents gave me cuddles and we talked about the birth and the baby, met the baby, had the obligatory photos, and then went down to the cafe. DH's parents, sister and grandma then came up the ward and stayed for what seemed like ages - me still with a catheter, had yet to move from bed, lots of lochia, and on top of that, I wasn't even wearing anything as I still had the drip in my hand and the catheter in, and so I couldn't put anything on, so I just pulled up the sheet for some decency.

When I was pg with DC2, I told DH that I felt that only parents (ie our parents, DC's grandparents) should visit the hospital after the birth. All other family members live within 10 minutes drive of our house - they would be very welcme to visit when we're out of hospital.

DC2 was born via EMCS. After the birth, I was told that I had a hernia, was constantly being monitored as the midwives were concerned about the amount of lochia, my wound didn't knit properly etc.

Again, the day after the birth, my parents came to the hospital, with DC1, this time. I had a brief and lovely visit from them, and then they went to the (same) cafe. DH tells me that his parents, two sisters, and both of their boyfriends are downstairs and please could they come up. And wouldn't it be better if they all came up together so that the visits were over quicker. I didn't feel strong enough to say, no, and they were downstairs anyway.

I was massively bloated, bleeding horribly, had just had a shower (which had taken it out of me), with a wound that wasn't knitting, a hernia, and DC2 was feeding all the time and I was trying to establish a good latch, all on top of a very long labour and an EMCS.

And yet they all came, all stayed, all held DC2, all had photos and told me bored me rigid with all of their 'news' like who was getting divorced.

And breathe ....

My daughter said we could visit in hospital, who had very strict hours, but they wanted a week at home on their own to settle because she didn't want mil who would be there 24/7. mil complained and I just said to her its their family we may not like it but its up to them. DD did phone me and Iknow I went more than mil, but its not up to us to decide who and when visiting is. I would stand my ground,Look after yourself. You are having major op and baby. If they are grumpy they will get over it.

I loved having visitors when I had my two CS's. I was in for a week both times and I hated being in hospital. Seeing people made me so much more happier. With DD2 I had been in for weeks and was so fed up. I do think if you are letting your family then you should let your Dh's too. Ours was only 6.30-8 so not long enough in my opinion. Partners could stay 12-8.

I would say that on the whole (and i know there is exceptions) girls tend to have a closer relationship with their family and are better at being the communicators of the family than boys. The why's and wherefore's are many and arguable.

I've been married twice and in both relationships i've had to remind my DH to keep up his half of staying 'in touch' with family so that she doesn't feel pushed out, left out, side lined, out of the loop or any of the things some MILs accuse their DILs of conspiring to do, in fact.

In both my relationships it's been and is now me behind the scenes saying - Time you rang your mum.
Don't forget the card.
Don't forget to invite your mum.
You should ring her and tell her that.
Send her a photo of that she'll love it.
Have you actually told your mum about X Y Z yet?
.... if i hadn't the MIL wouldn't have a clue whats going on in her son's life, and would have barely got one phone call a year and a card at xmas.

Ironically when my X and i divorced my MIL told people how i had always kept her at arms length and how, in spite of this, her dear son had always been so good at staying 'close' to his mother

So ... if it's fair for posters to allude to all these "Prima Donna's of a wives" then it must be fair to ask these mothers of sons bringing boys up who cant or wont communicate with their families what they have done wrong. Hmm?

I think its totally unreasonable to say one set of GPs or relatives can visit but the other can't. And very hurtful too.

Haha! what a joke! Yes, there is a spine there in my son last time I looked.

So when he 'stands up for himself' or 'puts his foot down' or 'gets assertive' with his partner of choice I'll be sure to remind everyone on here that he is being neither a controlling, misogynistic twat, nor a mummy's boy, ok? He's simply having a spine.

And of course the alternative is to be 'spineless' wouldn't it? To concede to his wife's wishes? Oh, hang on - I thought that's what we called men when they refused to stand up to their mother? Which is it? So do men stand up to the women in their lives or don't they?

What I would hope for is fairness and understanding all round, with both sides respecting the right of the other to have a reasonable level of family involvement as and when they want it. But, and most importantly, with neither family being seen as having more 'rights' or more access than the other, just because one spouse decides it should be so. It should be for the adult child to decide how much right his or her parents have to be involved his or her life, not his/her spouse's.

No it should be for both adults in the relationship to decide on involvement by their families. They as a couple need to decide what they are happy with.

fluffy that's what happens here I remind dp to call his mum, send cards etc. He is just busy and means to and doesnt get round to it. I phone her myself to see how she is, have a chat, make arrangements etc as well.

But one of dp's relatives won't talk to me on the phone, if she calls and dp is out etc she just insist she phones back. Nine times out if ten its a query I could deal with and actually when she asks DP he will then ask/check with me etc purely as I am more up to speed on what the kids are doing etc if it about visiting and know when we are free.

It should be for the adult child to decide how much right his or her parents have to be involved his or her life, not his/her spouse's.

So the wishes of a woman in hospital are less important than her partners? If he says his parents are coming, she has to put up with it, even if it makes her feel uncomfortable or vulnerable.

Because being 'fair' is more important than respecting someone in hospital.

Yeah ok. You carry on Fellatio. Good luck with your DIL.

If the husband was the one in hospital after an operation then people wouldn't think he was unreasonable if he wanted his parents visiting but not his inlaws.
The baby isn't the patient here, the mother is.
People who are talking about "fairness" are completely missing that point.
They can see the baby when the mother who is the patient here is better and if the patient wants her own family visiting her and not her husband's then that should be accepted.
I agree that many maty wards won't allow the baby to leave the ward. I must admit if I didn't want anyone other than my family visiting me i probably would be happy for my husband to take the baby for 10 minutes into the ward sitting room if there is one, provided I could trust him to return in 10 minutes with the baby. It sounds as though these relatives wouldn't be happy with just popping in for 10 minutes though.

Because being 'fair' is more important than respecting someone in hospital.

Well as someone who's has three C sections upthread said - it's a caesarean, not brain surgery. If you are well enough to see anyone, you are well enough to allow your husband to show his new baby to his parents for five minutes.

We are focusing on this OP because she has rather conveniently had an ELC. But I have seen and heard this thread a hundred times before from people with vaginal births, home births, adoptions, or no birth at all - just a genral attitude to visiting, and its' always the same. 'My mum is welcome because I need her, but my DH's mother isn't because I don't, and it really is all about me.'

general.

it's not its'. Just in case anyone was wondering.

I was happy to have my inlaws there both times, after an emcs and a vbac. I was less happy when they invited themselves and my brother and sister in law to stay a scant 5 days after I'd had dd. at least with DS BIL and sil waited until we went home to meet him.

As with 5madthings, I hope my son will ask me not to do something if it makes his future partner uncomfortable in the aftermath of birth, or anything, really.

Yes, it is all about the mother during the period of labour, birth and immediately after.

I don't see anywhere that the OP has said she won't allow her husband to show off the baby to his parents, just that she doesn't want it to happen within 48 hours of birth in the hospital.

I would suggest that mother and sister have an excuse as they will be bringing DC1 to meet DC2 and that's pretty important for bonding of the two children. The basics is that most women want their mothers around when they're going through a tough time so having your mother visit is understandable.

The basics is that you are being unreasonable but why shouldn't you be, the first few days of a baby's life is reserved for bonding to its mother/father and sibling, if you're stressed with visitors then the baby will pick up on this. I would suggest that you allow yourself to be unreasonable and illogical tell your husband that this is what you want and if he or his relatives don't understand then I suggest you give the midwives a list of visitors you want admitted. Whatever you do give yourself a break and don't feel guilty about it.

I am just so grateful I was over 200 miles away from both my mother and MIL when I gave birth .

Nothing useful to add to this debate except to take on board not to be an obsessive parent/PIL when/if the time comes. I really don't understand anyone apart from the father, has to be at the hospital to see the new baby. .

FellatioNel0n
Well as someone who's has three C sections upthread said - it's a caesarean, not brain surgery.

It may not be brain surgery, but it is still classed as major abdominal surgery. If I compare my CS with my mum's hysterectomy, she was quite poorly afterwards and absolutely did not want any visitors, with the exception of my dad and her mum. People respected that because she was a patient in hospital and needed to be comfortable.

In the same way, people need to respect that a new mum may not feel up to seeing people after a CS either. If the ILs were the kind of people to respect the OP's needs then a short visit wouldn't be a problem. But it doesn't seem as if they would give her that respect and so they reap what they sow.

I agree Maja. She hasn't. but if I were her I would have thought of that option to keep DH and his parents happy before coming on here and moaning about it.

Either that, or they both agree to no visitors in hospital at all, including her parents, who do not need to be there either, who should keep their distance but just hand over the older child to meet baby, if it is considered essential that the child goes there at all. (which imho it isn't, really.)

And I'll say it again - it really would not matter to me as a Mother/Grandmother if I did not see the baby immediately, but it would annoy the hell out of me if my son was told by his wife that her parents were more important than his at what is a special and exciting time for him too, and her parents could see the baby immediately, but his could not, and that we were less of a priority. Well yes, to her maybe - but not necessarily to him. It's the principle.

But if he argues with her in her delicate state he is an insensitive bully, and if he doesn't he is 'spineless'. Why should he be made to choose?

There is only a massive problem here if you want there to be. There are always compromises and solutions and ways of doing things that are less hurtful, when working with reasonable people. And yes, I think 'fairness' is an issue.

FellatioNel0n

I'm one of those dreadful DiLs. After DS was born, my mum came down to stop with us for a few days before MiL came anywhere near. But I was comfortable with my DM helping me in and out of the shower, cleaning my blood from the bathroom, sitting in a room whilst I bf topless and my nipples bled. I was very uncomfortable having MiL in the house whilst in a similar state even though I hid from them upstairs a lot of the time.

Here's the catch: I go out with DS and my MiL whilst DH is busy/away. She's a lovely woman, and I'm glad she's DS's Nana. She will be an equal grandparent to him, and waiting 4-5 days before meeting him won't change that because she understands that that wait was to do with having a catheter in, and blood everywhere and that in the first few days with a healthy baby after a difficult birth, it is definitely the new mum who is the patient and who needs help and privacy.

I'll remember this should DS ever marry/have children and come when they are ready.

When my SIL's DS2 had their first baby she told her DS they would be down to see them as soon as DIL got out of hospital. They live in Cornwall and SIL in Essex so they rented a flat for a week nearby to DS and DIL and DS1 and his DW went with them as well.

They used to go around every morning to see them and stay hours then SIL moaned that DIL was sitting around in her nightie and dressing gown and kept feeding the baby well yes that is what you do with babies. Told DIL she was drinking too much water as she was producing a lot of milk.

Twenty months later when DS was born they were told politely but firmly by DIL they were not having any visitors till everything had settled down. SIL was most put out and told everyone that DIL had had a hard time in fact very easy 5 hours in labour from start to finish. It backfired on SIL as they had cards from family with little notes in them saying sorry to hear things didn't go as planned and hope you are feeling better soon.

When my DD had my first GD I was already down at her place the afternoon after she was born I was at the hospital with SIL to see my GD and his mother informed him she and his sister were coming also. This was the person who threw a right strop two weeks before because DD wouldn't drive 40 minutes to her flat and sit in it all day waiting for the electrician to come as she couldn't podssibly take any time off work my DD did mention it to her and she didn't know what to say.

When my DS and his DP had our first GS 4 1/2 months ago she was only in hospital 6 hours but they wanted us to go around when they came home. We said no they needed to settle in so we went next morning. She had an easy birth was only in labour less than 4 hours and no stitches.

If you dont want them to visit then i suggest it would be less unreasonable if you vetoed visitors altogether until you felt ready to cope with anyone... I feel your pain. I had friends drop in on day 3 with their 2 crazy DS's... Aged 4 & 6 at the time. Screaming and running through the house. I nearly had a breakdown. This time is very sensitive so look after yourself but try to be fair at the same time.

Another one that dreads being a MIL. I truly hope my DS chooses a partner that is reasonable and sees all family as important. I cant imagine telling DH that his family is less important than mine when it comes to our son.

Banning PIL from visiting a newborn grandchild is hospital is mean. They cant help not being the females parents. MIL's cant seem to win no matter what they do, either DIL resent them for not offering childcare on tap or say they are interferring if they dare try and spend time with the children. God forbid they dare do something nice like offer a biscuit or some juice!

Makes you realise that those precious grandchildren the majority of people look forward to may only be there if your DIL feels like it.

HappyMummy why does it make so much difference to you visiting in the hospital vs. a few days later at home? The OP isn't saying her PIL are less important to the children, she's saying she doesn't want them coming to see her in the hospital within hours of birth.

In the same way, people need to respect that a new mum may not feel up to seeing people after a CS either. If the ILs were the kind of people to respect the OP's needs then a short visit wouldn't be a problem. But it doesn't seem as if they would give her that respect and so they reap what they sow.

But there have been loads of suggestions on this thread about how the inlaws visits could be controlled. No-one is suggesting that the OP should allow them to stay for longer than they are welcome. The suggestions are that the inlaws should be managed by the OP's DP.

Somehow, this smacks of "I don't like my inlaws, they are a pain in the a**e and I want to justify them not coming to visit me at all."

I don't understand the bit about the FIL watching her in her nightie. How about a dressing gown, or asking him to remove him from the room if she has to get out of bed etc? I remember sending my own DF out when I wanted to BF.

I think there is a lot more to this than the inlaws outstaying their welcome last time and not babysitting.

YANBU my MIL wanted to come and see me the day my dd was born and I said no. All hell broke loose and a couple of weeks later she had a massive showdown with DH.

I couldn't cope with them coming to see me after my csection for a couple of days after I had come home. My child, my rules.

They sound dreadful and you must not be dictated to.

Doesn't have to be within hours. But one short agreed 30 minute visit the following day for PIl's only is a good compromise, surely and keeps family relationships happy. Probably Op will be out of the hospital within a day or two at most anyway, long gone are the week long stays.

It seems that the people who are shouting "unreasonable" have family who understand how to behave. Further down someone described their ILs coming with presents, beaming with pride and leaving after 15 mins.

I stayed in hospital for 5 days with DC1. The ILs came every single day and sat for hours and hours and hours. They don't actually make conversation either, so it's hard going at the best of times. One day MIL came with DH's gran, then came again a little later with her friend, then a bit later with her sister... and so it went on. They came round the day we came out of hospital. Arrived at 7pm and sat there until 10.30pm . DH will never man up and take charge and I was just exhausted.

With DC2 I stayed 2 days. My GPs had come to help and had invited the ILs for tea. Got home to a full house and nowhere to sit. They all just sat there passing the baby around. I can remember clearly how awful I felt and that child is 25 yo.

I'd have been happy to see ILs who popped in for a quick cuddle with the baby then left. I was furious with ILs who came round again and again and again for hours on end.

The option the op offered to keep everybody happy was to invite the in laws round to there home after they get back from hospital.

It may very well be a special and exciting time for the parent not giving birth but its not also a painful possibly traumatic experance that requires there stomach to be cut open or a baby to be pushed out of there vagina and it would be highly unusual for the parent not giving birth to suffer any loss of dignity or be having labour after pains.

So the parent who is not giving birth only has to deal with the special and exciting bits the parent who does give birth gets all the other bits as well so at that time that parents needs are more important.

You know, I get that the baby of your baby boy is a being you would want to see as soon as possible. I get this terror of being "cut-out". But to be honest, judging by the posts on this thread, don't you think that maybe you're going to bring it on yourselves, you muppets?

I completely support the OP. Yet my own MIL held twin 1 less than 15 minutes after he was born! Is that the kind of thing you want when your sons are old enough to reproduce? Is that a "Yes" I hear at the back?

Well, take a leaf out of my MIL's book. Be a nice person in the first sodding place. Less bellyaching about your "rights" and self-centred opinions about "fairness". Be someone whom your DIL loves. Be someone whom your DIL trusts.

I can't stand mothers and fathers who talk about "rights" over their children. I am even less indulgent of grandparents. Stop being such PEAKY princesses with PEAKY hurt feelings. Geddit?!?

What Sock and Tallulah said.

The OP has said she is happy for pil to come round to hers. That doesn't sound unreasonable precious dil behaviour to me.

Right. Let's look at this again and remind ourselves of the facts.

With dc1 I had an emergency cs and was just overwhelmed with the amount of visitors who literally appeared an hour after ds arrived. I was feeling so vulnerable and out of it after a 2 day failed labour but within the hour had mil, fil, bil all standing over me joking 'you look rough'

Or did it go like this?

'Oh, look at you! You look worn out, you poor love! You've had a really rough time haven't you'. (sympathetically acknowledging the OP looked tired, but with good reason.) NOT GLOATING OR LAUGHING.

taking pictures of ds and me looking like death and emailing them to everyone they could think of!

Didn't the the OP's parents take any photos then? Did they wait until she'd had her hair done? Were the IL's 'emailing them to everyone they could think of' to say 'haha - look at DIL - she looks rough as a badger's arse! She had a tough time - isn't it hilarious!'

Or did they take pictures of their beautiful new GC and their understandably tired but happy mother, (like all brides, all women who have just given birth look beautiful, because they have a happy serenity about them) and then send them proudly to other family, and friends? Not to gloat, or to laugh, but because they were proud and happy.

I get on fine with them, however they like to do 'what suits them'. Ds is now 2 and mil and fil have never looked after him or babysat for us. Bil has twice when we went to cinema. I suppose this grates on me a bit, particularly mil who has never worked and admits she is bored but says she's not good with babies or toddlers.

Maybe she is afraid to ask. After all she probably senses that your mum is always your 'go to' choice.

She also took it upon herself to come to hospital every day when ds was born, but never helped or held him - interestingly her friends said to me afterwards "Oh Nana came every day to the hospital didn't she?"

Again, maybe she was afraid to ask. Maybe she wanted to wait to be offered, so she couldn't have been accused of monopolising the baby, but was happy and proud to be there and be involved in what little way she felt able.

It got so overwhelming that I asked dh to say to fil not to come every night after work (he works 15 mins from hospital) as I didn't want visitors at 7pm at night. FIL on two occasions sat in the carpark for an hour phoning dh to see if it was OK to come up. DH had to go down and tell him to go home at 8.30pm.

Ok, fair enough. Baby had been seen, no need to keep coming back, if you were tired. but he was excited, and I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him.

I am due to have an elcs with dc2 and expect to be in for 3 days. I don't want them to visit me, I just hate feeling uncomfortable laid up and in pain with people looking at me and I do feel a little like they aren't particularly bothered with dc1 so why should they come for those precious first days when I want to bond with newborn. I told dh that I have no issue at all with them coming round as soon as we get home (though last time I was in hospital for a week and by the time we got home it was almost like they were bored of ds so we didn't see them for ages which is when I needed the help the most!)

You see, again - MILs can't do right for doing wrong. If she'd been coming around daily to 'help' you'd have been pissed off, felt that your space and privacy was being invaded etc, but she gives you some space and suddenly she's not helping enough. But you sent her husband away from the hospital car park twice so she probably feels a bit unsure about how to proceed. I know I would.

However, my mum and sister will be looking after ds for us so will be coming to hospital

Not necessary. Your DH can bring him in. I cannot see a single way that you can justify this, if you are intent on keeping the PIL's away.

they have also provided all our childcare for the past 2 years. Dh thinks I am being unfair as my mum and sister are 'allowed' but I don't want his mum, dad, brother, etc there. AIBU?

And there we have it. 'DH thinks I am being unfair.'

DH is right. But fuck what he thinks eh?. His job is just to do as he is told, right? Unless he wants to 'grow a spine' and overrule you, according to RedToothBrush.

Honestly, how hard would it be for your DH to have a word with them in advance and say that you were exhausted last time, not really up to much company, so either:

they see the baby for 15 minutes only, the day after it's born, and just the once visit (either with or without you)

or: they wait until you get home, and EVERYONE ELSE waits until you get home.

It's not so hard, is it? For the sake of your husband's feelings?

Jessie you just reminded me. The most amazing birth partner and hospital visitor I ever had was my late husbands ex wife.

Nobody else was available I went into labour whilst I was chatting to her, have a history of very quick labours.

She was wonderful afterwards she kept everybody away helped clean me up didnt talk incessantly brought me home sent me to bed with baby and brought up a cup of tea then cleaned my house collected my older children from after school clubs gave them dinner and waited until dh got back from Saudi before leaving.

Fantastic woman who by rights I should hate.

That's lovely Sock.

Just this first bit, Felatio: With dc1 I had an emergency cs and was just overwhelmed with the amount of visitors who literally appeared an hour after ds arrived. I was feeling so vulnerable and out of it after a 2 day failed labour but within the hour had mil, fil, bil all standing over me joking 'you look rough'

What is reasonable about descending on some poor woman an hour after she has had an ECS after 48 hours in labour? Do you not see how utterly ridiculous that is? And insensitive?

but just because that happened then is not a reason to toally ban them now. Unless they have one brain cell between them I am sure they are capable of understanding boundaries, when explained to them.

And how many hours did it take the OP's parents to 'literally appear' and overwhelm her? Or does that not count?

"I stayed in hospital for 5 days with DC1. The ILs came every single day and sat for hours and hours and hours........ DH will never man up and take charge and I was just exhausted."

The last bit. That's the problem. And the same for the OP by the sounds of things. And the solution to that problem isn't banning grandparents from the hospital altogether, because the problem will still be there and will manifest itself in another way.

But she hasn't said they are banned. She has said she wants them to wait a couple of days until she is home.

I don't think they are going to get the boundaries even if they are spelled out in words of few syllables, tbh.

I can understand gps wanting to be there as soon as they can but why the bil? I don't understand why he needs to be there in the hospital at all.

In the end, the one having the painful surgery should be the one saying who visits in hospital. And the one doing the bulk of the looking after baby should be the one who says when people can visit.

but just because that happened then is not a reason to toally ban them now. Unless they have one brain cell between them I am sure they are capable of understanding boundaries, when explained to them.

Exactly.

How is saying they have to wait until she gets home not the same as banning them from the hospital?

I agree about BIL, absolutely no need for him to be there. Or the OPs sister.

they are banned from the hospital, whilst her parents and sister are not, YouTheCat, that is my point.

Or did they take pictures of their beautiful new GC and their understandably tired but happy mother, (like all brides, all women who have just given birth look beautiful, because they have a happy serenity about them)

<Screams>

Sorry, but that is self-indulgent, isn't-birth-wonderful tosh! Frankly, it doesn't matter if the woman does look beautiful. (And I bet I didn't as I sat sobbing, trying to express milk for my babies in SCBU. Serene?) If she doesn't want photos, none should be taken. You don't get to over-ride the wishes of a woman ONE HOUR OUT OF SURGERY about her image!

If my sons grow up to be heterosexual, I hope they never, ever let me treat their partner like this.

It took the Not-So-Dear FIL two nights sitting in the car park, phoning repeatedly, before he understood that the OP really meant it when she said she didn't want visitors that night. Unless there's been a complete personality transplant, I doubt he'll be more respectful of boundaries this time. He and his wife will just try and batter said boundaries down.

The only person whose needs have priority over other family members is OP who will be in hospital for 3 days after a CS, giving birth. She should not have to submit anybodyelse's selfish demands. Her needs should be top of everyone's list above their own. That is common consideration for anyone in hospital and for when she comes home with the new baby. Her top priority is bonding and settling with new baby her DH and DC1.
The rest of the family should be asking when it would be convenient and not dictating or harrassing her to visit when they want to.

I'm with fellatio here! Making different rules for your own parents isn't fair and smacks a wee bit of "princessy" behaviour and yes I do speak as someone who has been in the same boat. I was almost 40 when I had PFB dd by elcs due to pre eclampsia and I had drips in both arms so looked like I was being crucified! Haha! However, as Fellatio suggested, dh made reasonable hospital visit arrangements with both sets of parents EQUALLY.

Unless they can be made to understand with reasonable conversation that taking unwanted photos and emailing them to all and sundry, and making jokes about the OP's appearance, are Not On, then she isn't BU at all.

It is not 'princessy' to ask difficult visitors not to visit. And your DH needs to either man up and support you or, if he can't do that, just stay out of it and not criticise you.

If he wants to carry and give birth to the next one, he can do what he wants.

I love how it is legitimate for MIL to be 'princessy' and go ME ME ME MY SON MY GRAND CHILDREN ITS NOT FAIR I'M NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT. STOMP STOMP STOMP OF FEET. I CAN'T WAIT TWO DAYS.

Yet, its not ok for the mother of the child who has just had one of the most emotional, life changing events in her life and is stuffed full of hormones to be 'princessy'.

There are times in life when you are actually ALLOWED to be selfish and not be put on a gigantic guilt trip about it. This is one.

I hurt my mum a lot when I was having my first. Our families live hundreds of miles away. Mum thought she would be down for the birth and the week or so following it, staying with us. Had to tell her no as although I wanted all our closest family to see the baby ASAP as had always been the way in my family as they all live in the same little town, I just couldn't face having someone staying with us those first few days when I just wanted husband and I to spend time getting to know the baby, also mum can be a bit forthright and could imagine him being pushed aside slightly.

But also, I felt for his mum and dad and how they would have to wait and not have that opportunity. They were just as important to me as my own family and I would have been sad to make them feel that they weren't as important. I would have hated to treat them differently without giving a toss or care as to their feelings or my husbands - I didn't think it was just all about me and that I took priority. Any stress I felt was because I didn't want to hurt anyone, isn't that what you do with families?

OK TBJ So as I said, I'll assume her parents took absolutely no photos until she was looking her best either then?

I am not saying that's how it is in the OP's mind, I'm saying that's probably how is was in their mind. I hate just about every photo anyone ever takes of me, but they probably don't even care or notice if I look less than lovely. All the angst lives mostly in my head.

My point was that the OP is making out the photo thing to be about deliberate malice or scorn on their part, and even without knowing them I feel quite convinced it was probably nothing of the sort.

I love how it is legitimate for MIL to be 'princessy' and go ME ME ME MY SON MY GRAND CHILDREN ITS NOT FAIR I'M NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT. STOMP STOMP STOMP OF FEET. I CAN'T WAIT TWO DAYS.

I think you are deliberately, bloody mindedly and spectacularly missing the point, willfully misrepresenting what I have said, and failing to address the obvious imbalance in the OP's argument.

I don't think I am. Its what you are sounding like to me.

I also think you are deliberately avoiding answering why 'fairness' is more important to the feelings of someone in hospital though.

Why is it impossible that they didn't? I can assure you that even my FIL who is the most obnoxious in-law I have, and who arrived after the birth carrying the biggest camera I have ever seen, did not take pictures of me that day. He's simply not that much of a prat! There are no photos of me until the next day after I'd showered and brushed my hair very throughly.

It doesn't have to be about "malice". In practice, the results of total unthinking selfishness and malice look pretty similar.

With DS1's CS I was in the hopistal for 3 days. My Dad came to see me one afternoon - he'd been over from Ireland for a week already waiting for the baby to arrive so it was only fair, and my Grandad came with him. I just put my dressing gown on and stayed on the bed for the half-hour or so they were there. MIL also popped in one evening to have a peek for half an hour and then left with DH to have dinner.

I would be inclinced to get DH to agree that they can visit ONCE, for no more than an hour at an agreed time, so you can prepare yourself and feel comfortable, and then it's HIS responsibility to put a stop to any further pushiness. And be prepared to tell them that you would like to rest and that they have to leave. If DH was not willing to agree to support you in limiting the visiting, then I would say no outright.

I love the way the YABU mob all completely gloss over the fact the FIL perved on his DIL's post op body when he got the chance in between reading the paper - when he was supposed to be visiting his own grandchild! What would they have to do in the eyes of the poooor parents in laaaaaaw brigade to be unreasonable, I shudder to think.

*thoroughly. Aargh.

I think everyone would agree that the PILs over did it last time. But that does not mean it has to be all or nothing. There can be something somewhere in between. Surely, it is no harder to say "OP is tired, just come for half an hour this time." And for OP to tell them to just take pics of the baby and not her, than to say "don't come at all".

I can't see the logic in the OP's approach unless, of course, OP cannot bear the PILS and doesn't want them anywhere near her. If this is the case, fair enough, no one should have to put up with people they do not like at their bedside. But excluding them will, understandably, upset DH and his parents.

Quick straw-poll: my in-laws and my husband wouldn't have dreamt of photographing me without my express permission. From MIL to SIL's husband (BIL). Who else has experience of being treated with respect?

NayFindus - you seem fixated on this 'perving'. I wasn't there - I wouldn't know and I try to take everything I read on here from a bunch of strangers with a pinch of salt. TBH, some of the OP's phrases just made it seem that she really, really isn't keen on her inlaws. Whether that is justified or not i do not know and neither do you.

Yep PILs over did it last time. But the OP's DH also still doesn't get why the behaviour of his family was so upsetting and he didn't protect the OP enough last time. What is the OP supposed to do? Accept it? Think 'ooo things will be different this time'?

All he's going on about is 'fairness' rather than talking about respect. Or lack of it. He's not demonstrating an understanding of her concerns and fears. If he doesn't get the problem, then I have to say I lack sympathy for him if he gets upset over it.

I can't believe how crazy this thread has got..14 pages and still going, thank you to everyone who has responded and shared their thoughts.

There's so many different subjects going on that I really don't know where to start and I have to do bath and bed in a matter of minutes so am somewhat restricted.

I have been thinking about this all day and when DH gets home I'm going to propose the following solution to him:

We say no visitors at all in hospital. After those three days (as I said many times) there is no problem with visiting however, I've learnt from experience and will try and schedule them in for an early morning/late afternoon visit to stop it spilling into half a day scenario.

The plan always was for mum and sister to each take 3 days off work to help me in that first week. I will ask mum if she is happy to take the first three days off (when the cs is scheduled for) to look after ds and sister the subsequent three days when we are at home.

Sister is extremely flexible and relaxed and will not mind in the slightest if I explain the situation about the hospital and would she mind (to avoid a showdown with the inlaws) doing the latter 'shift' so she won't be coming to the hospital.

That way if inlaws ask whether mother and sister are coming to hospital we can truthfully say sister is not and mother is as who else would be bringing ds to see his new sibling?

Re:comments that I am precious and princessy, nothing could be further from the truth. I presume those posters would be more than happy to smile sweetly as a camera is shoved in their face (by an univited visitor who has just decided to come to the hospital without asking or checking) after no sleep for 3 days, drips and tubes sticking out of your arms, wearing a blook soaked, gaping open hospital gown encrusted with stale vomit from the operating table. (I'll keep that description as it is as many of you may be eating now.)

I find all the comments amount me banning my inlaws amusing but perplexing. The issue is that if they were to pop in for a short time and then go home there would be no issue. It didn't happen like that last time and I don't want a repeat scenario, especially as they seem to have difficulty in respecting my wishes.

I'm not point scoring over childcare either. My point is that they appeared every day when they wanted to (without checking times or convenience) and then we didn't see them until it suited them. That's not reasonable and things are only on their terms.

For those that say: "Put yourself out for 30mins and just let them come" I would not say to them "Put yourself out and look after ds". I don't ask them to babysit and have to respect they don't want to (despite my sadness for ds) so they should respect my wishes after a once in a lifetime moment. If I was point scoring I wouldn't drive ds to see them and make repeated attempts to involve them in every part of his life.

Fellatio - I hope you're OK as you seem extremely angry and bitter in your posts, has a similar situation happened to you? I also find it strange you would copy and paste my post and then change it to what you think happened. That was the events that took place if you don't believe it then I can't do anything about that. I presume from your posts you have a son. I find it baffling how you think you should only deal with your child and not his partner and how furious you are that women are 'dictating to men' who 'can't win'. That's very disrespectful of you in general to disregard your dil's opinion and only wish to deal with your son, even more so in this case as your son isn't the one giving birth.

I can't ever imagine saying to my dh that my family must visit him if he is spending a period in hospital.

I'm sure I haven't covered every point but sadly domestic duties await.....

Oh and the inlaws were the only ones that took pictures - no one else cared or even thought of snapping within the hour he arrived....

Hope it all goes well, Sweetie and thanks for the update.

Thanks for the reply sweetie. Good luck with it all.

God to I hope my boys don't marry someone like you . Complete favoritism to your family . I would be so hurt if my future dil behaved like that to me. I actually feel abit tearful at the thought of it. You are very selfish .

God to I hope my boys don't marry someone like you . Complete favoritism to your family . I would be so hurt if my future dil behaved like that to me. I actually feel abit tearful at the thought of it. You are very selfish.

I make that 3 references to yourself and not one thought for others in that post.

So I pose the question who is really being selfish?
And why isn't being selfish in this instance allowed?

Tearful? My future DIL is quite welcome to do what she likes as far as I am concerned.

Mmm. I can understand both points. But would you really prefer them to come to your house? Or will we get another thread about their behaviour there?
I think it's so much easier to have the visitors in hospital, set down ground rules, and make it fair for both families, or else you just cause bad feelings. Yes, the woman has just given birth, but this is the start of being responsible for someone else and recognising that you aren't the most important person ever.

YA in no way whatsoever BU sweetie

Your proposal sounds reasonable and fair. Good luck!

Some very, very sensitive mums of boys posting here, how odd...

OP already has another child and so I'd expect she's already aware of that.

Goodness.... Think op put her situation very well and had thought about the best way to avoid conflict.

I have 2 grown up lads and 2 teen dds. I had a wonderful mil and guarantee that me and dh will treat our future dils with as much love and respect as our dds.

What a new mum says just goes doesn't it.

I actually completely agree with OP. she's in hospital, yes, so she gets to dictate, it's all about her needs, her comfort what fits best for her, the partner decides after he's had major abdominal surgery or shit out a coconut after 36 hours of utter agony who visit him.

I personally feel no embarrassment in my mum seeing me lying fanjo exposed dilarious, she bathed me after I had dd1, she helped me try to establish bf, she cleaned up after I vomitted and held dd when I couldnt get to her and helped in lots of ways.

Would I wlecome anyone else to do this for me, no. My choice my comfort.

And for once in a womans life, I reckon this is the time she can be as selfish as she damn well pleases.

Everyone else who wants to take beautiful pictures can go whistle.

It's insanity surely, why do people think they have rights over a woman who is feeling incredibly vulnerable and fragile and saying she does not want them there. Who gave these mad people these rights, why are these peoples rights greater than the woman who has just given birth, is this process something that turns one into a lesser human being who gets less say than everyone else around her?

Given the choice, after giving birth I would want no one but the father of my child, my children and my mum near me.

I don't really care about fairness in this instance, it's how I felt after giving birth. And people can say its unfair or whaevah, but feelings and personal comfort aren't subject to logic.

Thanks for updating sweetie, glad you found a solution.

Begonia, sweetie wrote

Also, fil is not that respectful and I felt so uncomfortable hobbling around in my nightie with him scrutinising every lump and bump on my body post recovery - it was just awful.

My fil would have tripped over himself running from the room to preserve my modesty and his dignity as would anyone with an ounce of decency would. Pinch of salt or not.

Yes I am because the op's family are welcome and I would expect to be welcome too. They must feel hurt that they are excluded. And usually I agree with you Sparklingbrook !

YANBU.

Not at all interested in demonstrating 'fairness' to sets of in laws.

My only concern is the well being of the OP who will have an extended stay in hospital following major surgery.

When visitors have a track record like these do, I wouldn't be having them visit me in hospital regardless of who they are. They just aren't the important ones in all this and their 'needs' come right at the bottom of the priorities list.

Good Luck OP.

The OP's mother (who is looking after their other dc) is welcome because she is bringing the other dc to the hospital.

OP has already said that her sister will be visiting her at home to help her.

What fuzzywuzzy said

Who gave these mad people these rights, why are these peoples rights greater than the woman who has just given birth

Spanky. When you get your womb cut open I fully expect you be able to chose who comes to visit you as well.

I'm actually getting a bit fucked off with people who only give a shit about wanting there time with the baby and don't give a shit about the person who just gave birth to it. Treating someone like rent a womb is nasty.

RTB Because it's not like she had her appendix out, is it? It's much more complicated and emotive than that, and the way this is handled may set the tone for the relationship with her ILs for the rest of her married life, and may ultimately affect how her DH views his place in their marriage. That's why.

This isn't just about 'fairness' for a person who's just had surgery, it is about fairness in taking into account that her husband may value his parents just as much as she values hers, and that whilst she gave birth, it was hardly an average day at the office for him either, and he has a right to have a say in this. If she is adamant that she will bet too ill and tired to cope with them coming at all, then she should do the decent thing and keep unnecessary visitors away on her side too, because it's only three days after all, and BECAUSE NO-ONE NEEDS TO BE THERE, DO THEY? And no-one likes to be a hypocrite.

I am not at all concerned that she doesn't relish the idea of them being there. I totally get that. But I am concerned that she is prepared to make so little effort to work on a solution that does not hurt her DH's feelings or to cause an awkward, ongoing rift with his family. There are various sensible, easily achievable solutions, but all of them involve making some small compromise on her part, or asking her family to step back a bit, for her DH's sake, which she seems unprepared to do. And it's not as if she needs her family at the hospital, is it? I find that blatant hypocrisy an unattractive quality in a person.

I am concerned that she can so easily find reasons to dismiss her ILs, and yet so easily find reasons to justify a nonsensical need to have her own family there, at a time when she is apparently too exhausted for any interaction.

I am concerned that people who are slightly controlling hypocrites will have spouses who will wake up one day and realise that they are living with a slightly controlling hypocrite.

I think I've said all there is to say on this now. Several times. If you still don't see it then there is no point in my continuing.

But then as someone whose first response to this whole thing was 'fuck off is a complete sentence' I can see why you are finding it all a bit hard to grasp.

You really think he was perving or that Op was being understandably a bit sensitive. Maybe he is just a big old perv, the inlaws have been getting a drubbing on this thread left, right and centre. I must live in a parallel universe where nearly all my family and friends have nice, normal people as inlaws. On Mn inlaws see to be the new bogeyman.

Please do what suits you and your family. Those first few days are so special and a unique time for bonding with your DC and DH.

I will get flamed I expect, but I am with you 100% I could not stand all those people around the bed, snapping away, emailing pics, when I was feeling very sore and emotional and just wanting to heal. x.

I think the inlaws were totally BU first time round, the lack of respect and privacy described made me wince.

I would dictate terms, they can come once, if I feel up to it, and absolutely to check with DH first, maybe a couple of days after DC arrives and stay for half an hour.

I didn't have to do this with my IL because most people know this stuff already and they are lovely, but it sounds like the OP's ILs are massively socially inept and need it spelling out for them.

But she does make an effort. OP takes the gc to see them regularly. It doesn't sound like they make much of an effort to come and visit at any other time but she does.

Post surgery is not the time to be all concerned about the IL's feelings.

She isn't dismissing them. She just doesn't want them at the hospital, which on past behaviour (theirs) is fair enough. If they had behaved reasonably the last time I don't think any of this would be an issue.

And by inlaws getting a drubbing, I'm not just talking about the OP's but in general. Everyone and their auntie Isa has come out with their inlaw horror stories. It's obviously always the inlaws of course, DIl's are obviously perfect creatures.

Maybe it's just time to wear your big girl pants and te ZiLs if bourse they can see baby the day after CS, come for an hour, take photos etc - and then your DH says 'sorry folks, really tired, a bit unwell, why not come round in a couple of days, for a cup of tea.'

Why is that hard?

Oh, OP you've come back. Finally.

No, I have no issues that I am angry about and all of my kids are a bit young to be married and having children just yet.

When I 'changed' your post I was just trying to illustrate how easily things can be misconstrued, or misrepresented by semantics, that's all. I read things all the time on here where I think 'God, what wouldn't I give to hear the flip side of this argument.'

The issue is that if they were to pop in for a short time and then go home there would be no issue. It didn't happen like that last time and I don't want a repeat scenario, especially as they seem to have difficulty in respecting my wishes.

So why don't you just ask your husband to explain that then, and set some ground rules this time?

And just out of interest, how long did it take your parents to take photos of you and DS last time?

And lots of people have nice inlaws too, and have said so. It's not a surprise on a thread about crap inlaws that people share stories about crap inlaws.

Begonia he was there every night after work. He sat in the car park for one and a half hours asking to get in. That's not normal.

Good luck Sweetie x

He can value his own family as much as he wants,it still shouldn't mean his wife has to have unsupportive visitors when she's in hospital.

His needs do not need to be taken into account nor do his wishes manning up means putting the vulnerable persons needs above your own

Yes, good luck Sweetie.

This isn't just about 'fairness' for a person who's just had surgery, it is about fairness in taking into account that her husband may value his parents just as much as she values hers, and that whilst she gave birth, it was hardly an average day at the office for him either, and he has a right to have a say in this.

By giving birth she and she alone gets power of veto though. Its a special day for him, but he also needs to understand why his parents behaviour has created this situation and respect that. If its going to actually cause her distress, when she is both physically and mentally vulnerable then his feelings come second to that. He might feel emotional himself but he physically isn't so compromised. You simply can not say that the needs of both parents are equal at this moment because they aren't and thats what you are trying to do. Its not a long period of time for him or his family to wait.

Yes, they have the rest of their lives to spend with their GC. But so far they have only been interested in the first few days, pretty much.

And neither is it for hers. I have to go to bed now, I am three hours ahead of you. Goodnight.

His feelings are less important because he isn't the one sat in his own blood hooked up to drops and a catheter. If he wants the support of his parents he can ask them to cook him dinner.

The op will be vulnerable and unable to walk away, so she had complete veto on visitors, especially as they caused her distress last time. And I repeat, I live my mil and think she is an equal GM to my son.

He won't be the one who may not have full control of his bowels post birth, he won't be the exhausted one in pain with a massive abdominal wound, he can walk away from his parents if they annoy him OP can't.

I find this entire premise incomprehensible.

Of course the woman who has just given birth gets the final say as to who visit.

It's a few days whilst she recovers, not forever.

It is simple - if you even mind for a second having people there you are not 100% comfortable with visiting then you do not have to have them visit you. If you don't mind (like many people here) then you won't mind them visiting.
I argued with my dh about this when I gave birth. I did not want any IL's visiting me and I held my ground. (I gave in to my own mother though, mainly because from her point of view, her own little girl had just had a fairly traumatic experience and she wanted to see if I was ok....that seemed different to me)
Anyway after the event dh completely agreed with me and was glad I hadn't been bullied into having visitors. Knowing what I know now I would never, ever feel personally offended by anyone not wanting me to visit them in hospital.

Hold your ground and only have people visit that you want to. I can't even believe there are people who would tell you otherwise.

I have wonderful dil who pops in and out (to our joy) all the time but we didnt dream of asking when we could see dgcs after birth,after dgs 1 they popped into ours on the way home and stayed for an hour we were so excited and pleased it was unexpected. They even came to live with us for a while and I followed her lead as to being sensative to me wanting to take over her baby!!! their 3rd was prem and again we waited for the invitation to visit in scbu. It is their family time and completely understandable that she would want her mum not me. My daughter is the same with her mil but unfortunately gets told quite often that they have upset her. Her dh does stand up for them as a family unit though. Hope it goes well for you. Taking care of your needs is more important than mils needs at this time.

I can't imagine my DH having a major op - then thrusting my DF on him!!!!
Although it could be a reason for him to have more morphine.

OP, the only thing would say is that you can have a plan, but be prepared to change it if the circumstances are different than you expect (I don't reckon there is anything less certain than

I love my MiL, she is great, but ideally I would have had just DH and my mum there for about the first 12 hours in hospital, even my dad could have waited. However, DS (first grandchild on both sides) was premature, and although he was never in any significant danger, with a very little one there is always a chance of complications. So MiL, and pretty much all family members from both sides, came to hospital to see DS once he was out of the incubator.

I really hope that everything is straightforward for you OP, but maybe start from the premise that there are no visitors but you will review this at the time if things are different and either you feel able to have your in laws come in or the circumstances are such that they should.

If my own husband the father of the baby was next to useless support wise he would not be welcome at the hospital

My mil and fil visited ds1 in hospital only hours after a fairly traumatic birth . It was the same as my parents .

on hypcorisy my own MIL has totally cut her MIL out of her life - she has passed away now - she was widowed for a good 20 years and once the FIl died - they stopped visiting! This lady lived at the opp end of the country to my MIL, and had 5 sons and the only GC she ever had were my DH and his DSIs.

She never saw them! As soon as I met DH I encouraged him to visit this poor lady and sadly dementia had set in. His DSIS wasnt interested in her DGM at all and never visited her or was interested.

My MIl once said of her MIL " You couldnt even open a window in her house".

Yet I felt I could barely breath in my MILS!

So they didnt visit you spanky?

My ex visited me 3 times in 7 days when I had twins. Mil came twice. My parents travelled 180 miles and were up for a day - they came twice. Various others came along at times. I couldn't care less. But what happened to me in my post general anaesthetic haze is irrelevant really to OP.

She comes first and needs to feel comfortable and bond.

So many bizarre bits in this thread. I think my favourite must be the sly post which suggested it was more important for MIL to see the baby before the baby's six-year-old SIBLING got to see the new baby and his own mother, though. A (presumably) adult woman can't possibly be expected to wait two days to see a grandchild, but the six-year-old should wait to see his mother.

"I presume those posters would be more than happy to smile sweetly as a camera is shoved in their face (by an univited visitor who has just decided to come to the hospital without asking or checking) after no sleep for 3 days, drips and tubes sticking out of your arms, wearing a blook soaked, gaping open hospital gown encrusted with stale vomit from the operating table."

I wouldn't be happy to smile sweetly in those circumstances, no. But then, it wouldn't occur to my DH to allow anyone in in those circumstances either.

I take my YABU back actually. If your DH is genuinely so ineffectual that he allows himself to be completely walked over by his parents to the extent that he can't protect your privacy and dignity, then perhaps YANBU to ban them.

I dont understand why anyone inlaws or not would be so insistent at going to see a woman who has just given birth.

If any of my future dils say can you wait, i will wait and if the other grandma sees them.before... The world wont stop spinning!! As a woman i can understand that she will feel.more comfortable with her mum seeing her just after giving birth and that she may actually need her mum. And yes it is a need if you are emotionally and physically fragile. i wouldnt see that as a snub or unfair, i would just respect my dil and give her the privacy she needs.

Actually after i had ds1 my inlaws all decended on me in hospital, my parents waited for us to be at home and when ds1 was a week old and not sleeping and i was knackered and couldnt sit down due to stitches etc it was my mum that i phoned and said 'help' and she came and stayed a few days.

Years later when dp was ill and we needed help i called his mum at it was him who was ill/in need and so it was right to call her and she came and helped and told me off for not looking after her son well enough and spending too much time bfeeding the baby instead of looking after dp buy hey ho she meant well

Any decent mil would understand and respect that her dil may not be up to a visit in the first few days and realise that her own mum is different.

Good luck. Stick to your guns and do it the way you want.

With DS I woke up after 3 days of failed induction and an emergency cs to find myself in a rammed maternity ward with a baby furiously sucking on my boob (ta dah) and my mum, her husband, my husband, my dad and his wife all crammed into the cubicle and looming over me. Happy day! DS was gorgeous though.

My brother visited later with his wife and kids. The look on his face was just perfect. The horror! I didn't realise that apart from me rambling insanely (the drugs were bloody brilliant) he also got a good view of a very full catheter bag. At the time I didn't know I was wearing one.

I had DD next and no one visited and I was lonely. Careful what you wish for.

Gypst that make me laugh!

When dc2 was born, MIL was the only person to visit us in hospital apart from DH and DC1. She is lovely and considerate, and she has easily the closest relationship of all the grandparents with DC. And - even as someone whose only visitor was my MIL- I think YANBU. The behaviour of the ILs last time was just not acceptable. It's nonsense to bleat on about DILs always being big ogres who scare their husbands into pushing his parents away - as always, it depends on the individuals concerned. h h

The rights in this case belong to the patient. A post-operative patient should not be forced into receiving visitors just because the ILs will have a hissy fit about rights and fairness.

If you end up with visitors, there is nothing wrong with telling them that you need some privacy and asking them to leave. You need to get DH onside and have a plan.

Wow! Some very selfish women on here.

It is not about being fair to each set of Gparents.
If one set are outrageously rude, they forfeit their 'right' to visit if the mother doesn't want them to. Is this not completely obvious?!?!

With rights, come responsibilities, you can't have one without the other. How dare people sit for hours on end, uninvited and unwanted, and unhelpful?

Inlaws who make DILs feel uncomfortable in any way are NOT welcome. Regardless of who else is visiting.

Tough shit! Ooooh this makes my blood boil.
OP stick with your plan. YOUR plan..

YANBU. Not at all. Hope it all goes well and that your DH sees your point of view.

You will have given birth and had major surgery, therefore you call the shots. End of says it all really!

I'm getting ready to have our dc and want to ask people to come to the house rather than hospital. Mil is a chain smoker and i cant bear the idea of her holding my brand new baby stinking of fags. She is allready demanded to be present ( which want be happening.

good luck sweetie x

Nobby, I was cross too, well done for saying it!!

I have a son and a daughter. if I have grandchildren one day... I'll do whatever the parents want to ensure the best relationship with my grandchildren. shit the first 3days are really not that important if you have fucked up your relationship with your dil so bad she can't stand you around her. tbh the first 6 weeks really are all about mum and baby and rightfully so.

To those who think OP is BU and her PILs deserve equal rights to her parents to visit her and the baby in the first 3 days while she is at hospital can I ask what you think is so special about those 3 days? They are probably the worst for actually getting to meet the baby and having a cuddle etc as everything's so chaotic and the mum isn't feeling well. What's wrong with a visit as soon as mum and baby are a bit more settled at home when baby is a few days old?

Hairy, I'm sure you will be. Us mils have to bite our tongues but its for our DSs to build new families and we wouldn't like it if our DHs still try to please their mums over us would we!!

Ghoul for me, when I got home, I didn't actually feel more settled until the baby was about a month! I just wanted it to be me, the baby, siblings, and my DH. I just didn't want to be bothered with visitors. I know everyone's different, but I personally think it's much easier to have visitors in hospital and then it's done and out the way.