to join a dating site just to window shop?

(54 Posts)
MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 19:25:15

I wouldn't actually meet up with anyone, and I'm not intending to cheat.

Would IBU just to put up a profile and chat with people?

LeaveTheBastid Sun 24-Feb-13 19:26:57

hmm how would you feel if your partner did it? And would you believe a word of it if you found out and they "they never intended to cheat"?

Get a grip. Plenty of other sites for friendly chats with people without going near a dating site.

McNewPants2013 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:27:28

Yabu, people join dating sites to hopefully get a date.

There are other sites out there to talk to people.


shushpenfold Sun 24-Feb-13 19:28:36

Yes - totally and utterly U.

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:25

I guess it wouldn't just be chatting - it's chatting with people who find me attractive hmm But just as fantasy rather than reality.

WilsonFrickett Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:31

If my DH said he's only joined a dating site to window shop I wouldn't believe him and would bin him.

Play with fire if you want to, but don't blame us if your fingers get burned!

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:06

YANBU in some ways, but in most ways YABVVVVVU and I suspect you know it.

Would you believe your partner if you found they were a member of a dating site but were just window shopping (oh and chatting to potentials is not window shopping it's trying on) plus I don't think it's fair on people who are actually seeking someone, unless if the first sentence of your first message you say "I just want to chat, I'm actually married".

I think it's a pretty stupid idea if it's yours, and a lame excuse, if you want to 'window shop' (ie., LOOK) join a porn site, it's much easier to explain!

If this is a reverse AIBU, same applies, I wouldn't accept the excuse, and I'd be very depressed to be married to someone with that level of stupidity.

LeaveTheBastid Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:34

Oh do get over yourself and grow up. Either tell your issues to your partner or end the relationship. Don't piss about on dating sites looking for attention, which means nothing, because more than half of the blokes on there don't give to hoots what you look like, just how easy you are.

Well, I wouldn't. Because I would be incredibly hurt if DH did it. Do unto others, etc. It's a good motto generally, that.

McNewPants2013 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:36:34

So will you tell the people on there you are in a relationship, because I don't belive you should lead someone on.

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 19:37:33

Agree with those sentiments LeaveTheBastid this is purely about an ego trip... which does make me think that perhaps counselling would be a healthier option?

happyinherts Sun 24-Feb-13 19:39:21

Playing with fire. It's a very slippery slope and you seem vulnerable to perhaps a seedier side of online dating because you're married and not available.

You will get chatting to someone who pays you attention (for their own needs) and then you will want to meet them or go beyond chatting. Please don't do this - you are potentially throwing away all you have worked for.

Work on the reasons why you feel the need to do this.

"Work on the reasons why you feel the need to do this. "

YABU and you need to figure out why you have a desire to do this.

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 19:53:37

"it wouldn't just be chatting - it's chatting with people who find me attractive"

So flirting then.

How many threads are started on R'ships by women very upset because they have found their DPs have made a profile on a dating site and the DP is saying 'it was out of curiosity'?

Loads, that's how many. And the advice is usually the same ie: at best 'this is disrespectful and not to be tolerated', and at worst 'LTB'. And rightly so.


MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 19:57:14

Is there any harm in it really though?

happyinherts Sun 24-Feb-13 19:59:19

Read people's answers

LeaveTheBastid Sun 24-Feb-13 20:00:11

hmm biscuit

Go for it OP.

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 20:01:31

So, are you in a relationship OP?

McNewPants2013 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:01:50

You are playing with people emotions of course nothing wrong with that

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 20:01:58

Yes I am fluffy.

littleblackno Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:00

I divorced my husband because he did this. At what point does the window shopping become not 'exciting' enough?

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 20:03:02

OK, and is it a long term/steady one?

HeySoulSister Sun 24-Feb-13 20:04:37

Window shopping always creates some 'wanting'.... When is payday?

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 20:05:10

Yes, very long term with children.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Sun 24-Feb-13 20:06:19

If this isn't a reverse AIBU then yes, of course you ABU angry
Would you want your partner going speed dating or meeting people for drinks who found him/her attractive, on a date? Emotional Infidelity for me is far worse than physical. Whilst you are spending time on these relationships-you are depriving your own real life bona fide one of attention.

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 20:09:38

Right ok, so honestly, honestly - how would you feel about your DP doing this?

Blankiefan Sun 24-Feb-13 20:44:06

You should also think about the other people on the dating site. Lots of people are there to genuinely meet a partner and from their point of view, you might end up stringing someone along. I'm sure this wouldn't be your intent but it could backfire for someone who gets a bit attached to your online relationship...

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 24-Feb-13 20:58:21

It's one thing doing a double take when briefly passing an eye catcher in the street, but to join a dating site? What do you think your partner would do if he found it in your Internet history? Explain your way out of that!

EllaFitzgerald Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:16

What a horribly cruel and dishonest thing to do. I'd suggest you spend less time wondering whether there really would be any harm in it and more time thinking about why you need an ego boost from randoms on the Internet.

HeySoulSister Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:57

'dating' site or sex dating site?

teacherandguideleader Sun 24-Feb-13 21:12:00

Friend of mine did something similar as she wasn't getting enough attention in her marriage. Soon, the texts weren't exciting enough and she was meeting him.

As an aside, I only go window shopping (we're talking handbags and shoes, not partners) when I am bored of what I have and looking for something new.

NumericalMum Sun 24-Feb-13 21:16:49

I think this is a reverse aibu. Either way I would say there is something wrong in your relationship. Clearly your partner (or you?) is not giving you (or him?) the right kind of attention. It will only end one way and that is badly.

Pickles101 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:21:29

YABU. This would be a very shit thing for you to do, for all involved.

MajaBiene Mon 25-Feb-13 17:36:02

teacherandguideleader - you are right, I am definitely bored hence the window shopping. What happened with your friend?

ChewinTheFat Mon 25-Feb-13 17:49:11

Here's a thought, maybe talk to your other half and discuss the problems/boredom.

Yabu btw

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Feb-13 18:56:34

So - how would you feel about your DP window shopping, joining a dating site behind your back and chatting with women whom he knew found him attractive?

This isn't a rhetorical question, i would really like to know the answer.

frisor Sun 03-Mar-13 08:19:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Enfyshedd Sun 03-Mar-13 11:07:18

A few years after my parents got divorced, my DM had a friend around and the friend goaded DM into setting up a profile on a dating site. Once they'd done this, they started trawling through some search results and found a profile for my "D"F! shock

DM apparently screamed and was all "Get me off this!!! Get me off this!!!", but was persuaded to have a sneaky peek at the profile to have a laugh at the complete lying bullshit of what a lovely caring person he is look at what he'd put up. DM's profile was swiftly deleted and that was the end of that!

twinklesparkles Sun 03-Mar-13 11:48:16


corlan Sun 03-Mar-13 15:14:41

frisor - I'm a bit confused by your dating rules.

I'm particularly disturbed by number 17 'Be feminine, remember you are a woman with large K'.

What is my large 'K' and how did I get to my 40's without knowing I have one?

Bunbaker Sun 03-Mar-13 15:28:17

Is there any harm in it really though?

Do you really need to ask this question? So, your partner finds out and maybe decides to leave you. Your children get hurt. The poor soul on the website gets led on and feels let down.

You haven't thought this through. If you are bored do something about it that doesn't involve hurting other people.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 03-Mar-13 15:55:13

Yes there is a real harm in it.

You look, then after a few weeks someone catches your eye or its become mundane agan and you pick someone who isn't your taste so you can be assured to keep them at arms length.

You message each other, then the excitement of the messages aren't enough or you convince yourself this person could be just a new friend.
It develops into an obsession and you are mooning over the site/person and your behaviour starts to change.

you are now either embroiled in a full blown or emotional affair, living in fantasy land oblivious of the way your behaviour is now affecting you parnter and children as you have emotionally withdrawn from them to invest more time and energy in this.

Final stage you convince yourself the grass is greener even though you know deep down it isn't and get careless. Your partner finds out and is devastated at the betrayal, even if you haven't met face ot face or laid a finger on another person you have kept secrets from your partner during this time and treated them like something you scraped off your shoe. You do this to justify your behaviour to yourself, pushing them into reacting so you can run away again into your fantasy when they react negatively.

Your partner is distraught and disgusted in you that you have abused their trust so lightly out of boredom and the relationship breaks down. Your children now have to go through access arrangements and the financial breakdown of a relationship all because their mother didn't have more imagination when picking a subject to entertain themselves with.

Why do you feel this way?
Is it just your relationship or do you feel bored with life in general?
Widen your field of knowledge either through a club, hobby or more education. Take up mountain climbing, sky diving or anything other than this.

If at the end of all this you come back to the point that it is your relationship, try to work on it out in the open together you may both feel in a rut and going through the motions.
If that doens't work then look to end it.

All of this is less painfull than what you are contemplating.

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 16:03:20

Address the issues in yout own relationship- if they prove irreconcilable then separate and you are free to window shop.

If you have not agreed to an open relationship then it is unfair on your dh to window shop unless he agrees (and vica versa) - if you suggested this to him would hr agree? Even then open relationships are rarely successful.

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 16:05:06

^^ what iamnotamindreader said smile

Callycat Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:48

That's hilarious, Frisor! Drink water and be all mysterious. Got it. Do I have to giggle girlishly, too?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:22

Reverse or troll, because asking that question is just ridiculous.

issey6cats Sun 03-Mar-13 16:49:52

dont go there this is what killed my marriage my now ex husband chatting on dating site and then escalated to texting them then actually meeting them not worth the heartache its still cheating if you love your husband stay away from dating sites,

StuffezLaBouche Sun 03-Mar-13 16:56:22

In other words, OP, there are some.problems in your relationship but you're too lazy and selfish to sort them out as a responsible adult would?

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:08

I'm intrigued to see the type of people I'd be matched with.

YANBU for wondering, if you're wondering like I do. YWBU to actually sign up.

Naysa Sun 03-Mar-13 17:43:56

Go into relationships and see how many women have been hurt by their DPs/DHs.

Then divorce your husband.

He doesn't deserve to be treated with such little respect by someone as selfish and self centred as you. You sound so cold and uncaring, its repulsive.

Then you can enjoy all the NSA sex you want, because let's face it that's all you're after attention you need.

YABU and you sound like you could do with some councilling and to grow up. wink

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Mar-13 17:50:21

Quite how anyone can deduce that the OP is some kind of monster from her posts so far I really don't know.

There's an awful lot of extrapolation going on here.

Anyway, you asked AIBU and you've been told quite correctly that you are. Don't do it.

TroublesomeEx Sun 03-Mar-13 17:57:49

Is there any harm in it really though?

My stbxh joined a dating site and claimed it was for exactly the reasons you are stating. He wanted an ego boost by chatting to women who would flatter him and make him feel good about himself.

I found out, kicked him out and now he is my soontobeexhusband, he sees the children occasionally he has had an emotional/mental breakdown and is filled with regret and self loathing.

As him if there's really any harm in it.

juniper9 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:58:37

You need to really think about why you want to window shop. For what it's worth, I know what you mean about wanting a bit of attention.

When I was on the verge of breaking up with my ex, I really couldn't imagine that anyone would love me or worship me in the way that he did. I was so scared that I'd never meet another person who I could click with in the same way.

I joined an online dating site whilst still with him (but I hadn't broken up with him as it was long distance and I felt I needed to meet him in person) and I felt guilty about it, but I also really enjoyed the attention from other men. It reassured me that I did have other options, and wouldn't die alone.

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