To be really upset about this?(104 Posts)
My parents have just phoned to tell me they are coming for a surprise visit in 3 days time.
Ok, little bit annoyed that we didn't have more time to prepare but we moved to a different part of the country just before Christmas so I haven't seen them in about 6 months and am happy that they will be visiting, especially since DS really misses them.
The problem us DH doesn't exactly get on with my parents and basically had a massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.
Essentially he is making me choose between offending my parents or upsetting him.
AIBU to be upset? What should I do?
he SCREAMED at you - what a twat
regardless of the ins and outs he is being VVU
Can they afford to stay in a hotel or B&B? That way, you could maybe see them on your own? Or bring them to the house when your dh isn't there?
You say your dh doesn't get on with them. Do they like him?
Your dh sounds as if he is being rather dramatic! They are your parents, you haven't seen them in 6 months. He is being ridiculous.
Yes, agree with gordy. Having a screaming fit does seem extremely OTT.
Can you give us some background?
can you go to them for a visit, and then when you get home afterwards, LTB
You haven't seen your parents because your DH doesn't like them? Is that the real reason?
He does have the right to decide who stays in his own house though, doesn't he?
Likewise, you have the right to see your own family. But your parents have no right to just ring up and tell you they are coming ... surely they say when they are thinking of coming up ... suggest some dates, you consult your dh and all arrive at a decision.
Is he stressed? Is he controlling about stuff? Could this be symptomatic of other stuff going on? Or do your parents have a history of this? Whose decision was it to move that far away.
It sounds like both sides need to have some careful thought - yes be upset, but a massive screaming fit surely doesn't sound right - whichever of those reasons it is.
Is there a little bit more of a back story? Cos otherwise that's a hell of an over-reaction.
It's hard to say really. How are your parents? Are they good people? Is your husband horrible? Are your parents interfering and treat your husband badly?
Without knowing why the situation is how it is, it's really impossible for any of us to advise, imo.
Your parents ABU for not giving you a sensible amount of notice of their visit (assuming their visit involves an overnight stay).
Your husband is being unreasonable to shout at you but I would not be happy if my in laws turned up for an extended stay unexpectedly either. I get very anxious if things are sprung on me and maybe your DH is like me.
If your DH is very against your parents staying I'd say to them it's not convenient (or not convenient for more than a day visit) and then discuss with your DH when they can come.
How old is ds. Is he in school. I would go to your parents to stay for a couple of weeks and then discuss it with dh again!
I have legendary pil problems (name changed) but I never tell dh they cannot come to our home I discuss what would work better for us. I would never scream at him about it. I love him and he loves his parents.
Can't blame him for that.
He sounds controlling.
He is being very unreasonable - is there a backstory to why he doesn't like your parents?
Your parents are extremely impolite to phone up and 'tell you' they are coming for a visit in 3 days time.
Do your IL's do this too? And you are happy to accommodate them at a moments notice?
If it were my parents/IL's I'd expect a request to visit, with a few suggested dates. Then my DH and I would speak to each other and decide which date suited us best.
If I came home and my DH 'told me' that his folks were coming to stay in 3 days time... Well I wouldn't be wearing my happy face.
They are your parents,parents shouldn't have to book an appointment weeks in advance to visit their own family.tell your DH to jog on.
I cannot bear my MIL who has been horrible to dh, my parents, even dd when she was a baby and me. She's a spoilt, egotistical bag and I do not enjoy having her in my house. But every christmas I have her and one other time during the year, plus I bring the children to visit her weekly - and my parents have had her to stay too. We do it because she is DH's mother and we all love him and for no other reason. I must say I would feel like behaving like your dh if mine announced his mother was coming to stay but I try my best to swallow it (we've been together 20 years and I am only just getting good at this to be fair) because it is not that often. Try and get your dh to compromise that two (for example) visits per year is not that often for him to have to put up with them and he can arrange to be out of the house most of the time. One of the reasons I adore my dh is because he is SO good to my parents & family and friends - I sympathise with you OP - your situation must be difficult.
He screamed at you and told you they cant come?
Unless your parents are Fred and Rosemary West that is just vile behaviour.
Especially since you havent seen them for 6 months and your DS missed them. What an absolute twat he is being.
They're all being unreasonable. Your parents surely should ask if It's convenient to come for a visit at such short notice, at which point i'd expect a discussion with DH to see if It's ok by both of you.
Your DH was unreasonable to have such a hissy fit, but ultimately your parents are being more unreasonable for putting you in this situation.
What Silver said, plus it was unreasonable of you to agree to their visit without consulting DH first.
They're not DP's parents though. I think they should definitely give a sensible amount of notice and DP should have the chance to say it's not a good time for him. It is his house too. Different if they are only coming in the daytime but for an overnight visit I'd expect a couple of weeks' notice and the possibility of saying it's not convenient without them being upset.
Yep, courtesy to ask if its convenient to come. Depending on distance, they might be a couple of overnights involved. If it involves overnight, your parents are the ones being unreasonable.
A couple hours visit only that makes your DH the unreasonable one.
Then my idea of family is clearly very different to most on MN.
V hard,sympathize with him as not nice being told who is coming to stay rather than being consulted....but we all have our crosses to bear...I am coming to the end of a 4 day stay by my in laws in which they treat the stay like a.....also mini break,read papers and ignore kids unless they reading aloud or . Playing instruments....can't bear it but put up with it twice a year.
What's the reason that he doesn't get on with them?
Does he have genuine reasons not to want them in his house?
Unless he has a good reason not to want them to come, I think putting up with in laws you don't much like once in 6 months is part of being married/having kids.
Fair enough maja, but at 3 days notice? and with no say in the matter?
I'd be fuming if I was your DH and our parents are lovely!
As for what you can do, tell your husband to suck it up for a few days and that you will talk to your parents to ask first before visiting in the future.
Hopefully, while they are visiting, your husband will be at work so can avoid them for the most part. Plan one evening where your parents babysit while you and your husband go out to dinner alone (again, avoidance).
Parents should have asked not told, and 3 days notice is not much, but some things (like annoying visits once or twice a year) you have to grin and bear even if you're not happy.
Then my idea of family is clearly very different to most on MN
Me too usual suspect. If I had moved away from my parents, hadnt seen them for 6 months and they called to say they were coming for a surprise visit in 3 days I would be over the moon.
Id be happy for any of mine or DHs family to stay at short notice because funnily enough I love them.
Unless you have a really toxic family I think its fucking sad to think otherwise
Are you allowed to veto his family from entering your house to then?
That's the difference. Normal families who like each other can be forgiving about short notices with minimal griping.
In this case, the DH doesn't like his in-laws for whatever reasons and asking for common courtesy about convenient times to visit.
I would be fuming if Dp said pil were coming to stay in 3 days without speaking to me, because pil and I really do not get on and haven't been in the same room for a year or so.
I think your DH was unreasonable to shout, but I don't disagree with him being mightily hacked off if they have a long history of disliking each other and you have sprung an overnight visit on him.
He needs a bloody good reason to go off on one and demand op cancels her parents visit.
Impossible to judge who ibu without knowing more details. Ofcourse your DH shouldn't have screamed, but I would have been royally pissed off in his position and I actually get on with my Pil.
There are a number of threads on here about toxic inlaws where posters have been actively encouraged to refuse to allow in laws in their house again. The fact he is a man should not cloud judgement.
He does have a say in what goes on in his house but seems as its yours too then so do you. He might not like it but he should just suck it up and accept it because their your parents
Come on op, we need more details
I love my parents and get on OK with my ILs but I would want to tidy the house, get their room ready, do some food shopping to get nice things in and look into things to do. I'd need to fit all this in around the other things that I have to do anyway. I would want a bit of notice to prepare if not I get anxious. Not everyone would need this but I would and it doesn't mean I don't love my parents.
I'd be mightily annoyed if my husband behaved like that. Parents aren't unreasonable either, as they have phoned and not just turned up bag in hand on the doorstep.
Unless you had something else planned during the time of the visit there is no reason to cancel on them. A screaming fit is definitely out of order.
You should never give in to a tantrum, so your parents should come - you should make a point of it.
It is your house too. Don't back down. Doesn't matter what the issue is or how short the notice was - stand your ground here or he will throw another tantrum next time he feels miffed.
massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.
Your H is an overgrown toddler. Don't encourage him.
I think it's a bit unfair for people to say that just because you wouldn't allow family to insist that they are visiting in three days time, somehow indicates you come from a toxic family.
Mine and DPs family are lovely, we see each other lots and all get on. That doesn't mean I have to drop everything and accommodate them on a visit at 3 days notice, at their insistence. It's just rude.
Had they asked rather than insisted then that would be a different matter entirely. It's how Its framed that bothers me.
Well maybe in 20 years time he will be banned from visiting/staying with his dc by a future dil/sil& see how he likes it then. My dh can only see his db once every few months at our house or in a cafe because his wife is anti social & doesnt like people visiting. What a sociopathic arsehole.
Sorry, I did just post more details but for some reason it didn't work!
Basically, there isn't a good reason for them not to come, we have plenty of space and are not working at the moment so it will not impact on our lives that much.
DH feels that they are a bit over critical sometimes (which they have been) - it can be annoying but I know its only because they care.
DH feels that they are a bit over critical sometimes (which they have been) - it can be annoying but I know its only because they care.
Tell that to the other posters who are writing about their overbearing and annoying MILs.
Oh, forgot to say the main problem is if I told them they couldn't come they would be really upset, especially since if is their anniversary on Thursday and they are booking time off to have a mini holiday and visit us at the same time - they will be staying 4 days as it is a 300 odd mile trip (one way) for them. They would be very hurt if I phoned back and said no
Presumably DH will be at work most of the time?
Will your in laws never come up and stay then? How would it work when tne shoe is on the other foot?
"Only because they care."
What I said earlier - he has the right to say who is in his house - as do you to see his family, but he has the right to be consulted, you have the right not to be screamed at. Communication needed all round.
Also, family or not, you ask someone if you can stay!
I think you should have checked it out with him first as it's his house too. And of course you would expect the same if he had some family or friends staying. I think your parents should have asked if they could come rather than tell you they were coming. I am assuming they are staying for a few nights and not just visiting.
DrGoogle - "If I came home and my DH 'told me' that his folks were coming to stay in 3 days time... Well I wouldn't be wearing my happy face."
This. Exactly this. How long are they expecting to stay? And are they the sort of people who require all meals and snacks laid on and constant entertaining, or will they help out a bit?
I find being "told" someone is coming to visit very rude, and it would get my back up from the start. Especially with only 3 days notice.
They are having a holiday and thought they would visit their daughter and grandchildren at the same time.
They are her parents, not a couple of random strangers.
Bloody hell, I'm glad my grown up children don't treat me like a stranger who needs to make an appointment to see them.
Just read your next post. They've put your husband in an impossible position really, haven't they - he's going to have to put up with the visit unless he wants to look really unreasonable. As it's their anniversary, presumably they've been thinking about this trip for some time - why not phone you a few weeks back and ask when would be convenient?
I think your parents are being inconsiderate. I also think if you were posting on here about a surprise 4-day stay by critical in-laws you'd get more sympathy than your husband is currently getting on this thread.
They would be staying 4 days but are definitely not the sort of people that would expect to be fed and entertained 24/7 - they are more likely to do the dishes and take us out for lunch
I think your Dh is BU. I have a hard time with my family and they live far away so if they come, it is for 4 days minimum. It is wearing, but they are family and unless they say or do something awful we just make the best of it.
They babysit for us one eve, we rent a DVD another, I might get out the scrabble another. My mum likes to cook for us (she is a shocking cook!) so we have to find ways to not let her!
If your husband has reason not to like them' which he does if they have been critical towards him, then I can see where he's coming from.
I would be pretty pissed off if I was told that my in laws would be coming to stay in my home in three days time, and I'd be even more pissed off if my husband thought it was ok to upset me but not his parents, and that I didn't deserve to even have a conversation about something going on in my own home before it happened.
You are being very very unreasonable here. You need to tell your parents that they don't have the right to just announce that they are visiting in three days time.
You see I just wouldn't have a problem with this. My DH rarely sees his parents/family as they live the other end of the country.
I would never make him feel bad about any of them coming to stay with us, and I certainly wouldn't mind either, short notice or not.
It's very nasty to put you in the middle on this.
your dh sounds a bit odd to me . but I am the sort of person who had people to stay regularly and as long as I have a couple of days notice I would be delighted .
have I got it right that you have moved 300 miles away from your parents and they are travelling to see you and your children and your dh is pissed off ? he is a numpty in my humble opinion . which isn't actually that humble in rl
I did actually ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed but he doesn't really get on with his parents so he just said he would have told them to get stuffed (not helpful)!
I generally do have a good relationship with my parents so I really feel that I can compare the 2.
I do feel that it is only 4 days not 2 weeks and I would prefer it if he (albeit grudgingly) put up with it for that time, for me & the kids if not for them.
So he would expect you to put up the inlaws but your parents arent allowed at all? Thats fair. .
So they are more difficult than his, life is difficult, tell him to put his dummy back in and shut up.
Clouds, they are critical of both of us not just him!
I really like my DP's mum, but i i would be fucked off if he unilaterally decided she was coming to stay for four days and not even bothered to ask me.
OP did you mention that you and your DH will both be off work when your parents visit? Is this time off you'd planned to enjoy by yourselves? If so then I sympathise with him even more.
I do think your parents are slightly taking the piss inviting themselves to y for four days at such short notice. Especially if it coincides with an anniversary. They mustve been planning this for a lot longer.
3 days is not enough notice for a four day stay imo. You and your parents ABU for putting DH in that position.
He shouldn't have screamed at you and yes, he should probably just suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace but in his position, I would be fucked off!
If they are taking time off for a mini holiday based around their anniversary, didn't they know much earlier than this?
Personally, although I don't need to make appointments to see family, I would also feel the need to give as much warning as possible, out of courtesy
Like I said, I do really understand why he is upset at not being consulted but I wasn't either! They sort of put me on the spot saying 'we're coming to see you on Wednesday' so I didn't really know how to respond without upsetting them.
I would have liked more notice so I could have discussed it with DH but that didn't happen and I am now stuck between hurting their feeling or DH's
I think if Dh doesn't want them to come he can phone them and tell them.
I also think your parents were vvvvvv u to phone and invite themselves to stay with 3 days notice.
Why didn't you just say you'll check with DH whether you've got any plans on those days and get back to them?
They are BU if they weren't expecting that you might have to say no at such short notice.
Sounds like they've been planning this trip for a while. No good excuse for not giving you more of a heads up IMO.
Can you ring them back and say you've discussed it with DH and its a bit too short notice? suggest some other dates instead?
Maybe it's that kind of attitude that pisses your DH off about your parents? Do they often 'force' you to put up and shut up with their decisions?
Madonna, DH is a full time carer for DS2 (ASD) and a SAHD and I recently lost my job so we aren't working atm but not 'on purpose' as such.
I think you need to tell your parents that in the future they need to give you more notice. Then tell your DH that you spoke to your parents about providing more notice and that he has to suck it up for 4 days. That if he needs to get away from them for a bit to go to the pub for a couple of hours.
Also, plan their 4 day visit. One day or even two be all day out of the house activity, doing some sight seeing. Take your parents out to eat on Thursday. On Friday night, have them babysit while you and your DH go out.
I just don't understand , you gave moved 300 miles away .
they want to visit you and travel 300 miles .
what the buggery is there to check ?
surely you would know if something amazing was planned that meant you wouldn't be in ?
me not understand
An I see.
Does NopeStillNothing maybe have a point? Do you never feel like you can say no to them?
usualsuspect - Then my idea of family is clearly very different to most on MN
I'm with usual on this.
Family should be able to visit and your DH should suck it up. It's his tough shit if he doesn't like them.
I think they have some leave to take before a certain date so I don't think rearranging is an option unfortunately - they are going abroad to my cousins wedding in the summer so this will probably be their last opportunity for a while.
Nope is probably right to an extent, I do feel that because they are family I can't say no to them because I feel like I should always make allowances for family? Something like that!
You say you are stuck between hurting your parents or hurting your DH, but actually, it's clear that you are more comfortable with hurting your DH, even though your parents are the ones that caused the problem.
Some people are happy to have last minute visitors and some people aren't. Your DH falls into the latter catergory, and as we are talking about his own home, that is his prerogative. He might not like having visitors to stay at all (I don't) but would be able to deal with it if had had been given some notice and had some say in the timing of the visit.
If he said your parents could neve stay, then he would be being unreasonable, but as it is, he's not.
Your parents are being very rude to assume that because you don't mind this then your DH will be happy with it too. It sounds like he has very good reason not to like them, as they doesn't seem to give even a seconds consideration to his feelings.
And it doesn't matter of they are critical of both of you and not just your DH. I wouldn't have anyone that is openly critical of me turning up when they felt like it, no matter who else they chose to be critical of as well.
OP, you and your DH have just been summarily told by your parents - his 'critical' in-laws - that they are coming to stay with you in three days. He has reacted badly, but he has my sympathy. People who are openly 'critical' tend to be very poor at respecting other people's boundaries generally. You may well be accustomed to - and forgiving of - being criticised by your parents, but clearly your DH is not. As the owner of a critical mother-in-law (who has poor boundaries with regard to just about everything), I don't blame him. I would be very likely to go off on one if my DH presented me with such a PIL fait accompli. I would be unlikely to have a 'screaming fit', but I would certainly be saying that I felt I had no say in what went on in my own home. I would likely be absolutely furious, and feel hugely disrespected.
My parents would never do this. It's just weird to me. They would always ask if we were busy at a particular time, had a lot on at work, etc., and check when might it be convenient to come. I'm really interested that quite a few people on this thread say they would not have a problem with this.
Oh dear, we told MIL on Sunday that we were coming over to hers the next day. In our families (both sides) we never have a problem with short notices and visits always involve over night stays because of disances.
Your DH is unreasonable, tell him to book himself a room elsewhere if he has such a problem with it.
I would be furious if my ILs phoned and announced they were coming (not asked if they could come) with 3 days' notice and dh just accepted it without consulting me. The OP's dh is getting a really unjustifiably rough ride on this thread.
um, I mean 'time', not 'ride'.
OP - My advice, as someone who would have felt like your DH, is to leave it for tonight. Let him sleep on it and get used to the idea and then raise it again tomorrow. Tell him the reasons they really want to come this week. But then say if he's still uncomfortable you'll tell them it's not convenient. He'll probably come round to allowing them to visit. If not it will let your parents know that your DH isn't the sort of person who enjoys a surprise visit. A valuable life lesson I'd say...
I'd be fuming if my parents rang up and invited themselves into my home for 4 days. As much as i love them i can't stand bad manners and that is exactly what that is.
I completely understand why you Oh is annoyed, i would hate to have to spend time with people who are judgmental to me in my own home.
You must speak to your parents before there arrival and let them know to be on there best behaviour because if my pil started being judgmental to me, i would kick them out. 300 miles away from home or not.
The short notice thing could work in DH's favour. If he doesn't want to be in he can just say he's very sorry but already had plans with x/y/z and head off to the pub, or suddenly have lots of work to do. I don't think your family are being out of order, they've given you 3 days notice, how much prep could you actually do for a visit?! If you already have plans to do things just tell them and they can tag along or not. Maybe they could babysit while you and dh go for a meal together? Lots of ways that this visit could work out well for everyone!
Crunch, why should the Ops husband be forced out of his own home because people have taken it upon themselves to invite themselves to stay?
I find it incredibly rude and my sympathy lies with the husband.
chickensarmpit - when have you last seen your parents? OP hasn't seen them in 6 months, and it's the only opportunity to see them in a while.
They are not just 'people'
They are the OPs parents.
chickenarmpit - they aren't people they are OPs parents.
I don't get all the formality about family coming to visit.
There I go agreeing with usual again...
widow, i haven't seen my parents in awhile but i would still expect them to call and ask if they could visit for a few days. Not just tell me it's happening.
My parents and my pil will always be welcome in my home, but it's my home and my rules. If i don't want them there then that's my choice, same for the Op and her husband.
Will your ds2 be okay with the sudden arrival of his grandparents?
If there's likely to be fall-out from this, then your dh may well feel that as primary carer he will be the one bearing the brunt of it - and that's without factoring in a pair of critical in-laws who may well be judging you both if there are any meltdowns etc.
I'm with usual my parents are here at the moment, they stopped off on their way back from somewhere and staying until Tuesday with no notice. We are living having them and yes in laws could too.
Can I just say you're DH "feeling they are a little critical" should not equate to SCREAMING at you! Unless they've done something truly horrific like murder your cat he needs to put up with them for your emotional happiness.
All v awkward.
Ideally of course your DH would have had a chance to be consulted etc, but he really is over-reacting. Does he like lots of routein, structure, and warning of change?
I would take a softly softly approach. Explain to him that you feel incredibly awkward, and this isn't the way you would have chosen to have done it. tell him you are sorry that it has been landed on him fait accomplit.
But tell him you know the DC will be pleased, that you have had no chance to see them, that it is MUCH better than you making the trip there, etc etc. Your parents intended it as a noce opportunity to take you out for ther anniversary etc.
And if he still won't relax about it, tell him you have a right to see family in your own home and if he doesn't like it he can go to a Travelodge for 3 nights. Because he really is over-reacting.
(I have MIL from hell or thereabouts, and still know that DH has the right to see his family, and when all's said and done, family is family)
Hmm, it is a tough one about the DC's, they will be delighted to see them but it could possibly affect them afterwards when they leave - DS1 has had a hard time lately missing his GP's and his old life while trying to settle here.
He's calmed now and we've talked about it - he apologised for over reacting but he has been stressed out lately so I understand.
As it turns out the weekend they are coming down coincides with a weekend DH was going to go back to visit some friends so it looks like everyone might just end up happy after all :D
My DH would think id gone crackers if I asked his permission for someone to stay. its our house, if any of our family turned up on the door step to visit with no notice they would be welcome to stay, as are friends.
I just dont see how we would function as a family having to ask permission for such trivia. They are your childs grandparents!
I love my parents to bits and get on with them amazingly but if they phoned telling me they where coming to stay in 3 days I would be aghast. I know some people like to have people over a lot but I would find this situation incredibly stressful even with people I like and feel comfortable with. I just need time to adjust to the idea of having people stay for what to me seems like a significant amount of time.
If I was your dp I would also be furious to be honest. Just the thought of being told that someone I find difficult to be around at the best of times is going to be arriving in a few days with no discussion or consultation is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. If I were him I would probably be booking a hotel and leaving you to it.
I think the people who are saying that their family just turns up and are greeted with open arms are entirely missing the point that this is not about their family.
OP's DH is being told that he has to suck it up not because this is what his DW wants but because his interfering, ill-mannered in-laws have decided to land themselves on them all.
If my DPiL were to so forget themselves and behave in this way then I would be checking my stocks of hemlock.
They are your childs grandparents! - So what? This does not give them the right to demand board and lodging.
chickens Crunch, why should the Ops husband be forced out of his own home because people have taken it upon themselves to invite themselves to stay?
Because the OP wants to see her parents, they have the space and time for them to visit. If he finds that so hard to understand and cannot be civil he can sod off for a few days. It's not just his house or his feelings.
Sounds like that weekend could be OK then
In future though I would ask your parents to give a bit more warning.
'Stressed out lately' my elbow.
No smoke without fire. He has some sort of chip on his shoulder about an Englishman's home being his castle.
he doesn't really get on with his parents so he just said he would have told them to get stuffed
What does he have against his own parents? He sounds rude and inclined to take himself very seriously.
What do you mean by critical when you say your parents are critical?
Glad it's all sorted OP. Have a lovely time with your mum and dad.
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