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To go on holiday and NOT take DD?

(129 Posts)
akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:16:08

I haven't had a holiday for 6 years. I haven't had a holiday without DC's for even longer. I haven't EVER had a holiday with a RL friend.

I'm 53 and divorced for 2 years. I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves. I now live in a rented house and I have equity for another house if I can raise a mortgage (at my age, WTAF). I am saving towards that too. I work very hard F/T and always have done.

My friend says it's been a long hard slog for me and she wants us to book a holiday in Zanzibar for later this year. It looks fab. I want to go. But I think my DD will be angry and upset that 1. I'm not taking her as well (despite her preferring to spend all her spare time with her partner and/or friend) 2. I have said I can't afford to pay insurance on a car she wants to buy.

So AIBU if I just book this holiday? Or am I selfish?

ThingsNeedToChange Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:38

No YANBU or selfish

squeakytoy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:49

Sounds to me like your daughter is a bit of a pandered madam.. go on the bloody holiday.. you can be damn sure she wont invite you to go with her when she goes away.

Ragwort Sun 24-Feb-13 17:20:07

I think you should go, assuming your DD is 6th form age, where will she stay when you go away?

I can never understand 'older' children who even want to go on holidays with their parents, I stopped going on family holidays around 13, surely its not that 'cool' for a teenager to go away with her mum? Your DD is old enough to learn that you have a life too - and why on earth is she expecting you to pay for her car insurance hmm?

ilovesooty Sun 24-Feb-13 17:21:22

She sounds like an entitled little madam. Go away and have a lovely time.

Heavywheezing Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:07

Well how old is your daughter?

I say why not go?

How old is your daughter?

Domjolly Sun 24-Feb-13 17:24:25

You need some muumy time please go frazzled mummies are no use to children

kitbit Sun 24-Feb-13 17:25:40

If she's old enough to drive she's old enough to understand that you are going on holiday.
And let her pay her own car insurance, little madam.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:26:58

She is 17, will be 18 by the time I go.

Crikey, very fast responses thank you!

She does feel entitled and I feel like I am selfish. hmm

PastaBeeandCheese Sun 24-Feb-13 17:27:30

I clicked on this thread assuming you would be referring to a little child. If she is in 6th form she is either already or about to become an adult. YANBU to go and enjoy yourself and I don't think she comes into the equation given her age.

GrumpyKat Sun 24-Feb-13 17:31:15

Gogogogogogogogo. She'll get over it, and you sound like you deserve it!

ENormaSnob Sun 24-Feb-13 17:31:21

Is she a bit of a brat?

Sounds like it to me.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:34:32

May I take this opportunity to rant then?

I have taken sole responsibility for everything since her DF went off with OW to make happy families elsewhere.

I hired 3 skips and completely cleared the house of junk. handled the estate agents and the sale alone. Supported DD through her GCSE's months after her DF went. Was two parents for her and still am to a large extent. Have put up with the most obnoxious and offensive behaviour which even I now realise is not just normal teenage stuff.

example: last night she demanded I went to bed at 9pm because she was tired and had to get up for work this morning. Told me I was selfish when I suggested I turn the volume on the tv down (she can hear it in her bedroom and she hates the house we moved to, despite it being completey refurbished and at the top end of my budget to soften the blow of losing the family home).
Because I get this every weekend when she's home I am fed up arguing and gave in.

That's why I am asking about this holiday. I can see how it's going to be received by DD. (who was never like this until the marriage broke down).

MrsPresley Sun 24-Feb-13 17:34:40

You are NOT SELFISH!

I'm planning a holiday for either later this year or April/May next year and I am definitely NOT taking my DD grin

I'm going to Memphis and it will be Elvis Elvis Elvis all the way!

I'll be staying in an Elvis themed hotel, visiting where he lived (more than once), where he was born, recorded his first records etc

There is no way I'm taking my 11 yo DD who would be expecting swimming pools, theme parks and beaches, which I don't mind doing with her, just not this time!

Go on holiday with your friend and have a great time!

Go, go, go. If you sold your house to fund her education (and it sounds like it was without your full say!) you've done your bit for now ...

Heavywheezing Sun 24-Feb-13 17:36:47

Bloody hell go! My mother always left me. And I'm still bitter about it!

But it looks a great place to go. She's just jealous you are not taking her.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:37:17

Not only was the education choice not my full say, they arranged it behind my back and then I was told. angry

expatinscotland Sun 24-Feb-13 17:37:50

She'll be 18 when you go?? Oh, please, she needs to start learning to behave like an adult. I wouldn't tell her my plans, just make them.

And if she told me to turn down or off the telly in my home I'd tell her to stuff it or find another place to live.

CockyFox Sun 24-Feb-13 17:38:02

YANBU have you even mentioned it to her? Because to be honest I was trying to negotiate my way out of going on family holidays from about 15. No offence but I very much doubt an 18 yr old wants to go away with her mum- if she did go I'm sure all she would do is mope about missing her boyfriend. And if she wants to buy a car she needs to be able to cover the running costs like the rest of us or not have one, although I did once have a friend whos mum gave her the equivilant of busfare to college ( which she was paying while she was at 6th form) towards her car insurance I think it was about £150 for the year and she had to get a job to make up the rest.

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 17:38:45

good god. You sold your home to pay for her to go to a private college?

You are far from selfish!

Go on your holiday.

Ignore any tantrums that may occur.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:27

Go, your friend sounds lovely, your daughter doesn't.

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:57

xpost. wait. they arranged it and you were forced to sell YOUR home to pay for it?

Why did your ex not sell HIS home?

They made you sell your home?

jesus.

StuntGirl Sun 24-Feb-13 17:41:07

Go. Your daughter sounds like an insufferable brat.

I'm sure the divorce was tough on her but she's almost an adult now. Time for her to start behaving like one.

CockyFox Sun 24-Feb-13 17:41:46

Cross posted. Sounds like you should just go and leave your ex to deal with the resulting tantrums.

ENormaSnob Sun 24-Feb-13 17:42:50

She sounds absolutely horrible. Really really unpleasant.

I hope for your sake you wont let this ridiculous behaviour continue.

Tbh, if my eldest started this kind of shit I would be packing him off to his dads.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 17:44:40

I definitely think you should go, and u think you should use it to set a precedent for future behaviour.
It's sad that dd changed when you separated BUT I take it this wAsnt your fault and have since done everything to make life good for her.
If she is almost 18 I assume she will want a holiday herself(with friends of her bf) very soon
Is she going to ask you to go with her?
It seems that you very much deserve this, let your ex h take the reins for a week or 2 and if she huffs and puffs and stamps her feet then let her.
And also if she uses the car insurance against you tell her to get a job and work for it, like I and lots of other people her age have to.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 17:45:23

Sorry for all typos, on phone!

frogspoon Sun 24-Feb-13 17:46:32

YANBU to go on holiday without her but...

It sounds like your DD has has had alot to cope with recently: her father moving out, moving house etc., and so have you, although that isn't an excuse for her bratty behaviour. Talk to her about your holiday as the mature adult you want her to become.

Also help her to get something set up for herself whilst you are away (holiday away with friends or boyfriend, stay with her DF). I'm guessing you will be away for a couple of weeks, and whilst she probably won't admit it, she will probably get pretty lonely on her own. She has had her dad walk out on her a year ago, and to her it may seem as though you are doing the same.

ChasedByBees Sun 24-Feb-13 17:47:47

Go go go! And she can move out if she wants total silence past her bedtime.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:48:30

cocky no I haven't mentioned it yet. RL friend only came around yesterday and insisted that we look up where we would stay, flights, dates etc.

TBH I think DD will play up even though she wouldn't want to go. That's the depths to which our relationship has deteriorated. But actually, I don't think I will mention it. If I decide I can afford to go I will book it first and then I won't be able to cancel it.

Yes I was forced to sell the family home. It WAS mine and ex's but he would have stopped paying anything toward the mortgage and DD so I really felt I had no choice. That seems to have started something which now feels never ending.

It's not about a holiday then, is it? sad

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:13

Only a couple of RL friends know how it has been.

I finally admitted to my DF last week that she is this way. I did it because he was going to buy her a car (!) and asked me how I felt. I had to tell him. His response? "Well she's not getting one, she doesn't deserve it and you should have told me about this sooner".

I was ashamed. i feel like I've let her down though christ knows why.

squeakytoy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:38

Why does she not go and live with her father? I would not put up with being spoken to like that by my daughter. She has no respect for you and you are enabling this I'm afraid. Time to put your foot down or you will be a doormat for a long time yet.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:52:56

She thinks her DF is a knob and he lives with the OW and her 4 DC's. No place for DD. I've said this to her in anger before and she bursts into tears and then I'm the baddy. FFS!!

nannyof3 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:56:32

Ur daughter should stand on her own two lfeet...

Why should u pay her insurance...

Go on holiday.. Have fun !!!!!!

lougle Sun 24-Feb-13 18:00:17

This isn't about a holiday, it's not even about you. It's about control. Your DD feels wronged and you are going to pay. Every single time.

I know this because I see it several times per week in my poor parents. I don't think they'll ever escape it, because they'll never get to the point where they say no and mean it enough to follow through.

If you don't sort this now, it'll be even worse when your DD has children and expects to keep her pre-child freedoms at your expense.

She tries to tell you when to go to bed? shock

Go on holiday and don't come back. grin

Awizardsstaffhasaknobontheend Sun 24-Feb-13 18:06:14

Go!

livinginwonderland Sun 24-Feb-13 18:07:23

i think people are being quite harsh on dd. she lost her dad, and although he might still be "around", he still walked out on her, and he clearly has no real time for her - like you said, he has the OW and her kids now, and unfortunately, they're his priority.

i think DD needs some help dealing with her feelings re. the divorce - have you considered therapy or counselling or something to help her deal with things more productively? she's obviously very angry about the situation and she's taking it out on you because you're there (hence the wanting quiet time, demanding money, not being happy about the new house) and i think she would benefit with some help - maybe get her into a sport or an activity to help channel her anger?

a lot of people are saying "who'd go on holiday with their parents/mum at 18, how sad!" but i just got back from a weekend away with my mum and i'm 24. you're definitely not obliged to ask her along, but make sure she has someone there for her when you're away - grandparent, neighbour or family friend, perhaps, or let her have her boyfriend to stay. two weeks alone at 17/18 can feel pretty lonely, even though she'd never dare admit it. good luck smile

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:09:02

lougle that's how I feel most of the time when she's here. I know I'm not a shit DM but I often FEEL shit. So taking a holiday <sharp intake of breath emoticon> feels like a shit thing to do.

notgood that's the first time I've laughed about this because I guess to an outsider it's a ludicrous situation.

Agree with others. If she was a small child a would say YABU. But 18 - i think she will be ok with you going, and if not, she should be.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 18:13:34

Good God !

Go on the holiday and leave your daughter behind

A few lessons in understanding other people's situation is what she needs, so this is a perfect scenario

She will be ok in the long run, they usually are. But she needs to know her mother is a person in her own right, not an extension of herself. You are going, no further argument will be brooked, ok ?

EnjoyResponsibly Sun 24-Feb-13 18:13:47

Please go. Your thread has made me sad and angry. You really do deserve some fun. Can I Drive you to the airport?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:05

I think you should definitely go on the holiday. You've put your dd first throughout her life and it's time you did something for yourself.
When I got my first car I would never have expected or allowed my dp to pay the insurance..and as for the tv noise, you're the adult of the house and you need to make her very aware that you make the rules. If you want to stay up watching tv then you damn well should, next time tell her to buy earplugs.

KatieMiddleton Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:09

Go. Have a fabulous time. It will do you both the world of good.

I quite fancy a holiday without my dd but I have to wait until she's weaned. Then I'm off! for a weekend

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:20

I will let you borrow my fabulous sundresses < shows age >

hermioneweasley Sun 24-Feb-13 18:20:01

Agree with others saying you should go, but also agree with Living that your DD is coping with a lot at the moment too (as you are). She may be looking to test you and get you to prove that you won't abandon her (amateur psychologist) - assuming she wan't a spoilt brat before the divorce? Your DH sounds like a twat.

pippinsmum Sun 24-Feb-13 18:20:29

Go, you deserve it.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:23:48

livinginwonderland I know. I paid for private therapy and went to some sessions with her to talk it all out. I understand what she's going through and I know how it must feel. She can't take it out on him (although she gives him a hard time) because he holds the purse strings and she's afraid he'll pull out of funding her education. She feels she's been replaced by someone else's kids. All that is understandable but very, very difficult to live with and I just don't have the answers or the solutions to make it right for her.

I've had to sort out what I am angry with him about and what I feel angry with her for. I don't blame her for feeling how she does, but I posted here today because I am running out of ideas as to what to do.

And I will go on holiday.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:25:48

I keep x posting. Sorry.

Yes please a lift to the airport, sundresses, offers to sit on the luggage so I can shut it all appreciated. grin

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Feb-13 18:26:41

You actually went to bed early??

Oh, you need to start putting your foot down with both hands!

Book the holiday, but I'd try and make sure your darling DD is staying elsewhere while you're away if you can.

Have a fabulous time!

WilsonFrickett Sun 24-Feb-13 18:26:47

Your dd is obviously very hurt and is lashing out at you. I think you both need some help to resolve this behaviour - she is acting out, not just being an entitled madam - before it becomes 'fixed'. Part of this is that you need to stand up to her, you don't go to bed when she tells you to FFS. You need to set some healthy boundaries IMO.

And go o the holiday!

pixi2 Sun 24-Feb-13 18:28:04

Yes to going on holiday.

And a maybe to your dd needing some counselling?

livinginwonderland Sun 24-Feb-13 18:32:53

yeah, it's totally understandable that it must be really frustrating, for both of you. she obviously feels abandoned by her dad and she's obviously angry because her family has been torn apart. that, combined with a new house and everything must be pretty hard to deal with. i'm not excusing her behaviour at all, but that wouldn't be easy for any teenager.

i doubt her hormones help either, to be honest, and i think maybe you two should focus on fixing your relationship before you go away. try mother/daughter activities (spa day maybe? even if you just do it at home together), duvet day with ice-cream, films and snacks, lunch out occasionally - i think it'll be a good idea to lay down boundaries too - yes, she's upset, but that's no excuse for acting like a brat and for being flat-out rude. maybe going back to some parenting basics could be the solution?

/ramble.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:35:42

My mum gave me her old car when Dad got her a newer one (OW/Guilt gift, but that's something else)

I was 17. Living in the middle of nowhere. My allowance didn't cover the petrol, so guess what... I got a JOB.

Your DD has NO right to a thing from you, not after they strafed you of a house, I am utterly sick at that level of manipulation, she is doing her revolting father's dirty work.

Don't tell her about the holiday, don't get her a car, don't do a fucking thing for her.

She is CHOOSING to be vile to you, because she saw her dad do it, and she is taking it all out on you, blaming you for the split cos she's too frightened to talk to her dad about it, or she'd lose her glittery life.

Guess what? If her dad were not being dismissive of her, she'd STILL be entitled.

She needs to see how hard life is out there for normal people, and what you have been made to do for her.

You rent that house, you pay for it, you furnish it. YOU go to bed when you like and if she has a problem with that, TOUGH! Don't EVER allow anyone to treat you like this! Just because she is family? well IMO, family need to treat you BETTER than strangers. The bar is set higher.

I suggest that you stand your ground, but that when the time for Uni comes, that she goes and studies at one FAR away so that you can get your life back, and she will learn what life is really like.

You have not let her down love, she has let herself down. One day I hope she looks back and is utterly ashamed of herself.

squeakytoy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:44:05

Well said Hissy. I agree with all of that. smile

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:49:50

You aren't doing her any favours allowing her to be like this you know. It sounds ridiculous and she won't find anyone else in her whole life who allows themselves to be treated like this.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 18:50:39

She doesnt like the house youre in now? Does she fully understand the reason you're both livinv there and not the family home? Presumably she doesnt give two hoots?

She told you to go to bed. Sod that.

Go on holiday. Don't let her treat you like that. You need to deal with it now. She needs to learn respect NOW!

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 18:54:11

Can I ask, did you go to bed?

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:59

I think Op did do as she was told

But I get the feeling she won't do it again smile

Sundresses : I can offer a halterneck, kneelength yellow and white doofer

A strapless maxi dress in orange, blue and green stripy pattern from H+M

A FatFace pale green and linen short sleeved number

< looks forward to holidays >

ENormaSnob Sun 24-Feb-13 19:04:14

I can offer the choice of about 47 bikinis and 23 pairs of sandals grin

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 19:05:47

I have approx 15 bottles of sunscreen with half an inch left in the bottom

from protection 30 through to 4

SanityClause Sun 24-Feb-13 19:13:12

My DC are younger than your DD (13, 11 and 9) but we have just been away on a lovely (and expensive) skiing holiday. On one occasion, DS (9) said we had said we would go somewhere for a crepe, and then we hadn't.

Well, I lost it, and told him to tell me 10 things we had done for him and bought for him! Maybe you could adapt this for your DD?

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 24-Feb-13 19:19:20

Good heavens. GO ON HOLIDAY! Enjoy!

charlearose Sun 24-Feb-13 19:22:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 19:23:50

Ive had to drum this into my son too Sanity. We'd take our kids out for the day, do swimming, a me out or something. And instead of 'thank you' my eldest whinges about what he hasnt been given. Hes only 6 so I didnt go crazy but I very firmly told him to be thankful for what we have done for him that day lists everything and not moan about what he hasnt had.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:31

thank you, this is so helpful. I feel validated for the first time in ages.

So. Although I love her to bits I won't be her whipping boy any longer. It won't be easy because as you suggest Wilson it feels fixed already.

I'm only just beginning to see how very, very angry I am with DD. I live where I live because I thought I was doing something which would make her happier. And she isn't.

I did do as I was told yes. For the last time. I shall buy earplugs tomorrow for next weekend.

Thank you for the 7 1/2 inches of suntan lotion, sundresses and bikini's (although my torso hasn't been seen in public since forever) grin

I'm feeling better. MN is a force.

MamaBear17 Sun 24-Feb-13 19:34:12

I agree with the posters who have said your dd is acting out rather than being entitled. Do you think you may have tried to overcompensate for her dad and let your boundaries slip a little? You can reset them but you need to have a proper talk to your daughter. Go on your holiday and have a wonderful time. I hope your dd surprises you by being more supportive than you worry she might.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 19:35:18

Good for you!!!

OHforDUCKScake Sun 24-Feb-13 19:36:20

You sound really lovely by the way, she doesnt know how good shes got it having a mum like you. I hope one day she realises, and thanks you for being a lovely mum.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 19:36:54

OP, you sound utterly lovely

I wish you were my mum (although we are probs about the same age)

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sun 24-Feb-13 19:40:05

Seconding whoever said not to leave her in your house alone. Otherwise, she'll invite all her mates/boyfriend in for a party. Dad and stepmum went on honeymoon when my twin and I were 17. We were house and dog-sitting, going to school, etc. Dad said NO PARTIES, although having our girl friends round on the Saturday was ok. He organised Granny to come round during the day on Saturday to make sure of this, and we got Granny to buy us lots of mixers. The girls arrived, Granny left and the boys came over with the vodka and the beer. We told Dad when he phoned because we weren't sure we could tidy up well enough to avoid detection - and there hadn't been any major damage, although some of Dad's whisky had been nicked. But there could have been damage - we were lucky. At one teenage party I went to (with parents upstairs), someone dropped a shot glass and it hit the door of the washing machine and smashed it (washing machine, not glass). At another, a girl lost her virginity on the conservatory sofa and bled all over the cushions. And despite how it sounds, I was a nice kid with mostly nice friends, and we cleaned up after ourselves when possible! Scrubbed hymeneal blood out of a sofa cushion, even - although the stain didn't all come out.

You sound so lovely. I've always wanted to go to Zanzibar. Can I come?! grin

Badvoc Sun 24-Feb-13 19:46:39

Yanbu.
Go.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 19:49:34

tooextra hymeneal blood aarrgghh!

No I am planning to go when she will be back at college (and so will all small children who's parents might also visit same location!).

Acting out after 2 years? If she is, then I'm afraid it has to be down to her DF. I don't have his cash but I have been her mum. I couldn't put a price on that tbh.

Thank you for saying I sound like a lovely mum. I needed it. smile

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 19:51:58

No, now I think about it she's always been a bit controlling. So was her DF. I don't want her to be. I want her to have happy relationships where she feels secure enough not to do that.

But I will have my holiday.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 19:59:26

Yes all welcome at Mustapha's place (google).

Thewhingingdefective Sun 24-Feb-13 20:00:44

YANBU! You deserve a holiday.

mrsbunnylove Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:16

your daughter is 18, lives at home but has a 'partner'? hmm.

anyway, leaving that aside, she's an 'entitled' (as they say today) madam. she'll grow out of it. its a phase. my daughter is 30. she's very reasonable and very good to me. i think yours will be lovely when she's fully grown up - you've put in a lot of work, it won't be wasted.

but in the mean time, she already has a life of her own. and you are entitled wink to yours!

to on holiday and have a great time.

Fluffy1234 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:07:41

Go please please go.

Selks Sun 24-Feb-13 20:18:32

PLEASE GO on your holiday!! Crikey it sounds like you deserve it! Anyone working hard as you do is entitled to spend a bit of THEIR money on THEMSELVES.

Just get it booked; don't tell DD until it's booked and paid for. Then be matter of fact when you tell her. Don't apologise. Be assertive - tell her that you are entitled to spend some of YOUR money on YOURSELF and that is that. She needs to learn to respect you as an individual, and seeing you enjoying and getting on with your life will help her with that.

Come back and tell us when you've booked it - Zanzibar will be amazing! grin

BarbarianMum Sun 24-Feb-13 20:23:28

I think whether you go on holiday or not, you need to start taking responsibility for your actions regarding your daughter.

<<I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves.>>

This, for example, is not true. You chose to do it, maybe for the best of reasons, but it was your choice. It is not fair to blame your dd for it, or for not being happier - sounds like you've both had a lot of shit to deal with.

Speaking from experience, it is really frightening and unfair for a grown up to let a teenager call the shots for really big things, like selling a home (or in my case whether my parents should get divorced or not) then blame them for the results. You are the parent so make the decisions (esp the ones about your life) - kindly but firmly.

riverboat Sun 24-Feb-13 20:25:22

I really do feel for her, it must have been very hard having her parents split up at that age. And you say she wasn't such a madam before, so it's obviously a factor.

That doesn't change the fact that you ABSOLUTELY MUST go on your holiday. She's going to be 18 for god's sake, the real world is just around the corner and she has to start learning to suck things up. It's not like what you are proposing is in any way detrimental to her well-being. One day she will understand the massive sacrifice you have made in selling your family home for her education, and she should be happy that you gave yourself a small treat in going on holiday.

I think you should definitely book it and sort it all out without telling her. Announce it as a fait accompli, and if she kicks off ask her if she'd rather you came on a girls holiday with her and her teenage friends...

teacherandguideleader Sun 24-Feb-13 20:28:45

I'm also the daughter in a single parent family and my mum has holidayed for years without me (since I was your daughter's age). I admit, I get a little bit 'green eyed monstered' - but then who wouldn't - she jets off to Florida / Spain / wherever with her best friend every year to a luxury villa, usually flying club class.

But.... my mum gave up so much for me when I was growing up and she deserves her holidays. I'm pleased for her to go (even though I am green with envy hehe).

riverboat Sun 24-Feb-13 20:30:35

Oh, and not encouraging you to bend to her will or anything, but re: the TV you can get wireless headphones from amazon.co.uk for about £39, could be an easy solution.

Of course earplugs only cost about £2.50!

Yanbu, go & enjoy yourself opsmile

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 20:47:21

Barbarianmum it is true.

Yes I made a choice but I had two options - try and prevent her going in which case my ex intended to stop supporting the mortgage (on a home I couldn't afford to keep) AND to use the CM to pay for it. Or to take some control over the timing of the loss of the family home. I chose the latter.

i didn't know she was going until the arrangements had been made. By that time DD was telling me i couldn't stop her due to her age. And I have taken full responsibility for my choices. I don't blame my DD for this but I am angry that I get the flack for everything. And she wasn't calling the shots - her DF was. If you knew how hard I worked to be the parent and stop her from 'calling the shots' you might have had a different response - or maybe not.

But I am tired of hearing what a selfish crap mother I am.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 20:47:55

riverboat earplugs for the tv. Yes!

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 21:01:52

did you post about this at the time, love ?

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:02:59

The earplugs are for her, she can buy them if she needs them.

don't you DARE buy cordless headphones for yourself to watch the TV you paid for, on the TV licence you buy, in the home you rent, on the sofa you bought...

No sireee, this is YOUR life, your home and she has had enough say in what goes on in it to last a lifetime.

Didn't your parents ever tell you 'When you are under my roof....'? You need to start saying this with gay abandon tbh. On a LOOP!

WilsonFrickett Sun 24-Feb-13 21:12:30

You know in relationship threads when people say 'do you want your DCs being influenced by your partner's unacceptable behaviour?' - would you say that is what has happened here op? It sounds to me like your dd has stepped into the dynamic established by your XP. Would you say that is accurate?

Viviennemary Sun 24-Feb-13 21:24:45

I thought you first meant your DD was a small child. YANBU. Absolutely go on this holiday as you totally deserve it. You need to get back your own home and be in charge even if it causes trouble. What a cheek asking you to go to bed at 9 pm. Who does she think she is.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 21:27:05

AF yes I did, in relationships. I managed to stop her going for the first year, got her into the same course in a local 6th form which she did brilliantly at and then unbeknown to me after a row with me, her DF said he'd get her in to the college he wanted her to be in (which by --no- coincidence is near he and OW). It was like being betrayed all over again but i swallowed it. And here we are now.

Hissy and Wilson absolutely.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 21:28:04

I remember it, wisey

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 21:29:40

Oh god, yes she has. I hadn't thought of it like that at all.
He was never here but completely controlled everything shock.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 21:31:06

AF she was in her bedroom and kicking the door and the furniture when I told her she couldn't go. Do you remember that?

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 21:39:49

I do, wisey, vaguely

I remember thinking how completely you had been outmanoevred angry

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 21:45:18

I shan't be outmanoeuvred about this holiday though. All these posters (and thank you so much) can't be wrong.

I bloody well do deserve to do something that isn't a reaction to something else that's going on. Now THAT'S making a choice. grin

ComposHat Sun 24-Feb-13 21:47:00

bloody hell at 18 I would have rather wipe my arse on a pan scourer than go on holiday with my mother. I went on my last holiday family holiday at 14.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 21:52:15

grin composHat

ComposHat Sun 24-Feb-13 21:52:40

But yes, go and YANBU. I would also run down. stocks of food before you go. if she can drive don't leave the keys to the car if she has to cook, clean and provide transport for herself for a fortnight it may be the kick up.the arse she needs.

ImperialBlether Sun 24-Feb-13 21:55:09

OK well I'd like to say something here!

I think it's unfair if you have a holiday and she doesn't! So I'd say to her that you are both going to have a holiday and you will give her £X towards it. To save your own skin, I would say that my friend was paying everything except the same £X.

Whereabouts are you, OP?

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 21:57:46

surely you don't have to pay for the course. she can't force you.

ComposHat Sun 24-Feb-13 22:00:13

imperial if the daughter wants a holiday surely she can workand save up for it herself? Just as the op has.

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:02:34

Move the TV to your bedroom?

Tell her you have just got divorced, was forced to sell your house to pay for her course and are now taking a well needed holiday with your friend as something for yourself.

I really don't think you should be paying of the course though. Does she had a job while studying?

Maybe you need to sit down and discuss some ground rules.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 22:02:36

Imperial DD has had two holidays of her choice already. Both spent doing entirely what she wants to do.
This year she has started working p/t and I give her an allowance for food at college.

I can't do a holiday for each of us. So that's why I was asking (because I was thinking) AIBU to do this?

If I am, fair enough. I'd rethink where I go.

I live in Kent.

ChasedByBees Sun 24-Feb-13 22:02:46

Ithink it's absolutely fair that the OP has a holiday and ger DD doesn't. The DD forced the OP to sell her house to cover her school fees. I think she's used her share of 'holiday money' for several years.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:17

IB really ?

I have a going-on 18yo dd

there is no way I would consider her holiday needs to be on a par with my own at this stage in her life

I saved up for my own first foreign holiday by working at a PT job from 15

not a penny did I take from my parents, apart from that which provided me with a warm bed, food, a roof over my head and the ability to complete my education

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:42

Also can you use your money from the house you sold to put down a deposit on a smaller house/ground floor flat? Rent the flat out so it covers costs?

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:51

I have NEVER done the whole first holiday away with mates thing.

I have been a mother (and continue to be) for 32 years blush.

This whole thread is very good for me (posters you are great, you're making me think).

I don't pay her fees as the deal was ex h would pay them so long as he wasn't paying the mortgage. DD was in the middle and the emotional 'deal' was that she would realise her ambition by our 'sacrifice'. I've had a wine now so I hope this makes sense still.

frogspoon Sun 24-Feb-13 22:20:20

Compos

I hope you were joking. Yes she may be able to cook, clean etc, and I agree that she should.

She's a teenager, has been through alot emotionally recently, will be on her own and pretty lonely. Why would you deliberately go out of your way to make things more difficult for her?

What OP should actually do is spend some time with her daughter pre-holiday, teaching her how to cook, use the washing machine etc, manage a budget and have friends who can drop by/ give a friendly phone call to support her.

frogspoon Sun 24-Feb-13 22:21:27

By the way I was referring to your running down stocks of food and hiding the car keys comment.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:28

compos and frogspoon DD will not be here. She will be away at college and I will ensure that she is safe and looked after during the one weekend i'd be away.

Like I said, I have taken responsibility for being her mum always. smile

MrsExcited Sun 24-Feb-13 22:24:58

Go and if you are any sort of reader take a copy of jilly coppers polo!

Apologies if i have interupted i haven't read all the way through

frogspoon Sun 24-Feb-13 22:25:00

Wisey good to know smile

MorrisZapp Sun 24-Feb-13 22:27:06

AF your last sentence there sounded totes Dickensian smile

Illgetmegoat Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:19

I think it's about time your DD started paying the price for her rewards. You don't get the rights without the responsibilities. She's 18, she is an adult.
She's studying and now working PT - she can sort herself out.
You have 'sacrificed', supplied and supported - now she has to keep up her end of the deal which is putting the graft in.
If she is saying you can't stop her doing things due to her age then she needs to find out that also means she doesn't ge the perks of being a child anymore - if she wants to be treated like an adult then she has to take the lumps. What she means is she is old enough to do exactly what she wants but you have to do all the shit work.

I'm sorry but she is more than old enough to realise she is not the only one hurting.

Take the holiday. Step back from your daughter, the best way to be supportive and loving is to teach her to deal with the rest of her adult life. Boundaries that make it clear you too are an adult woman that has a life and needs. If she is pushing your buttons - the ones ExH polished up all shiny for you, that's not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
You are a good mother, but that is not all you are. And mother doesn't mean sacrificial lamb either.

MorrisZapp Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:35

Oh yes pack a bonkbuster OP. Or David Baddiel's latest, I liked that a lot. Yanbu.

pigsDOfly Sun 24-Feb-13 22:33:06

I can't read this without putting in my twopenny worth.

This young woman is demanding and controlling.

Yes, her DF ran out on her to live with another woman but it didn't stop her colluding with him to push the OP out of her home when she'd just been deserted by her husband for another woman.

Lay down some rules OP and stop being manipulated by your DD into thinking you're the one who did the dirty on her.

Book your holiday, like others have said, and then tell her you're going and don't let her guilt you into changing your plans.

And most importantly, have a wonderful time. You've been through a rough time and deserve a break and some fun.

ImperialBlether Sun 24-Feb-13 22:34:09

Sorry, I didn't realise she'd had holidays. I assumed neither of you had.

Say to her, "Remember when you went to X? Did you like it? Well, I'm going to Y. I hope I have a good time like you did."

MrsExcited Sun 24-Feb-13 22:38:22

Polo was particuarly significant due to the daughter and mother adjusting to the fact Dad left them, then there is the bonkfest.

Ps the diborced mum also get several bonks and gets the prize!!!!!

ComposHat Sun 24-Feb-13 22:43:30

By the way I was referring to your running down stocks of food and hiding the car keys comment

I don't mean as a cruel and unusual punishment, but I wouldn't be running around tescos making sure there was a houseful of food and I wouldn't be leaving my car for someone who doesn't contribute to its upkeep to hoon around in for a fortnight at my expense.

in my view if someone wants to have adult rights then they need to take on the responsibility that goes with it.

it is all academic as the daughter will be at college.

LittleEdie Sun 24-Feb-13 22:44:20

Go.

I was thinking that your DD sounds like the type of husband you read about on Relationships.

mummymeister Sun 24-Feb-13 22:50:22

How many threads per week are there here about "children" controlling their parents? read some of them OP. this really has nothing to do with a holiday more with one adult - because at 18 thats what your daughter is - controlling another. you have gone from a controlling husband to a controlling daughter and you need to break the cycle or you will be posting the same thing in 10 years time! If she wants to live or stay with you in your house then she abides by your rules. if one of your rules is that you go to bed when you want then there it is. You absolutely deserve this holiday. if she acts up about it - tough. time for you to break the cycle. sure shes had a rough time because of her dad but really there are those of us who have had worse and wouldnt dream of behaving like this. All the time parents treat their adult offspring as children then this is how they will behave. book that holiday Op and have a fabulous time and when you get back draw a line under the last 20+ years and start with some new rules with your daughter. good luck.

milkymocha Sun 24-Feb-13 23:10:47

Its time to be YOU not dd's mum!
You have devoted nearly 18 years of your life to put her first. Go on your holiday, laugh lots and bask in your freedom!

I say this as a 20 year old whis mother abadoned her at 12. You need to think about yourself!

anonymosity Sun 24-Feb-13 23:17:33

I say go on holiday, but maybe not Zanzibar as I think its deemed unsafe currently esp for women traveling alone / together (could be wrong though).

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 23:31:17

Wisey, you have been so utterly selfless in your relationships, you have asked for and got NOTHING in return for your efforts. You gave up your home, your stability. You were betrayed by your H and then by your H again with the collusion of your DD. And still the pressure and control continues.

As some on here will tell you, they have had abusive relationships with men in their lives, only to get rid of them and have the Position Vacant taken by the DC. This has to be the hardest thing to bear. We can't divorce our DC, no matter what they do to us, but we DON'T give them power over us, not like this.

You have to put yourself first sometimes. If you do not put yourself on the list of priorities, no-body else will.

This is your life, and what has happened to you is WRONG.

You CAN'T turn the clock back, but you CAN reset it from now on.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 23:58:50

MZ so it did smile

There has been wine

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