To be pissed off at the way my mum mollycoddles my brother.

(56 Posts)
CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:59

My brother is almost 30 and still lives at home with my parents. Despite having a good job he lives there rent free and does pretty much sod all to help about the house. My mum does everything for him. She cooks, does his washing and his ironing. He apparently cannot do these things for himself even though you could train a performing chimp to operate a washer and iron some clothes. He can't even make a doctors appointment for himself, she has to do it for him.

He treats the house like a hotel coming and doing as he pleases. He drives a top of the range almost new sports car, holidays several times a year, eats outs with his girlfriend several times a week and wears designer clothes all the while telling people that he can't afford to move out! But you can't reason with my mum at all about it, she is blinkered when it comes to her golden boy. She refuses to criticise him and jumps on anyone who does. I know my dad agrees with me because he's told me as much when my mums not about but has learned to keep schtum for a quiet life. If he starts on golden boy he's accused of picking on him!

I get on well with my mum most of the time, but I hate seeing her used a personal maid when she's not getting any younger herself. She has bad arthritis and has been ill with depression and stress in recent years. I'm struggling to hold my tongue, but I know if I say something my brother will never speak to me again because he's that kind of person.

What to do?????

expatinscotland Sun 24-Feb-13 15:35:58

Nothing. It's her life. After she dies, I'd cut my brother out.

ilovesooty Sun 24-Feb-13 15:38:25

YANBU to feel angry, but I don't think you can do anything. Sadly, it seems to be your mother's choice to behave like this and to enable your brother to take advantage. I'm surprised your father isn't able to assert himself though.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 15:39:26

There are other things which I didn't include in my first post because I didn't want to waffle on. I know its her life, but I think she's coming to an age now where she should be sitting back and relaxing and enjoying herself. I don't know maybe its a mother/son thing? I only have girls so I don't really get it lol.

comingintomyown Sun 24-Feb-13 15:39:28

Its up to her really , maybe she likes doing all that stuff bizarrely some women do

I could have written the OP.

Theres really nothing that you can do. I dont speak to my brother anymore. His attitude is disgusting.

Just try to help out your mum as best you can and try to block out the nonsense with your brother.

Personally, I think some women truely believe that men cant look after themselves and they need a woman to do it all for them.

crazycanuck Sun 24-Feb-13 15:45:50

My mom would be like this with my brother if he still lived at home. He's 4 years younger than me and he never had to lift a finger when we were growing up. I had to do loads of chores and housework while he sat on his arse watching TV. As a result he is extremely self-entitled and I pity any woman he ends up with. YANBU to be annoyed but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

And it's not a mother/son thing either. My DS is 7 and he's been making his own bed and emptying the dishwasher/setting the table/tidying up after himself for 3 years now.

I have sons (albeit 5 and 7). Not a prayer I'd do this for my boys. It's not helping your brother is it, just turning him into an unpleasant entitled wanker. I want my sons to be able to take care of themselves, have a sense of personal responsibility and be considerate of others. So no, it's not a mother / son thing.

I'm stunned he has girlfriend in all honestly - these characteristics are something I'd expect anyone with anything much about them to find deeply unattractive.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 15:47:44

Ilovesooty my dad is just very passive. My mum is also quite a moody person and really drags others down when she's in one. He's lived with her long enough to know that if he ever said anything she'd go into another week long sulk over it.

I could've written the op too, as could a few of my friends, sad Innit

expatinscotland Sun 24-Feb-13 15:49:49

'As a result he is extremely self-entitled and I pity any woman he ends up with. '

He'll be single because few women are willing to put up with bastards like this anymore. Nowadays, a lot of people have to both work and don't have time to be skivvy on top of that.

expatinscotland Sun 24-Feb-13 15:50:42

It's not doing your son any favours to do this, it's infantalising them so they end up single for life instead of getting a life.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 15:51:22

My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to.

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 15:53:50

Your mum is allowing this.

YANBU to be annoyed, it's annoying, but both your Brother and Mum are in it together.

He actually has a girlfriend??? Sheesh...!! REALLY???? lol

expatinscotland Sun 24-Feb-13 15:54:03

'My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to.'

He'd better find a mail order bride then, because I don't know any woman under 40 who'd put up with that.

HazelnutinCaramel Sun 24-Feb-13 15:57:14

I'd start making a few jibes at him about being a mummy's boy and still living at home at 30. Make out he's a bit of a sad case.

Hitting him where it hurts - his ego - might make him think a bit. Or he might just continue to be a tosser.

My brother has a gf too.

Shes very very focused on her career (good on her) so I really cant see it lasting once he realises she isnt going to be wee wifey.

raisah Sun 24-Feb-13 15:59:51

How long has he been with his girlfriend? Do you get on with her? The reason for asking is for you ask what their long term plans are? If you plant the seed in her head about moving in together, with any luck she'll push for them to live together. He will get the shock of his life when he finds out he cant treat his dp like his dm, an unpaid skivvy. No matter what culture a person is from, there will always be women who breed chauvanistic men.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:01:18

Your DM is screwing your DB up. He will be increasingly unable to fend for himself and will probably end up an alcoholic and a suicide. This is what I have seen over and over again. Your DM is ruining him and there is absolutely nothing you can do so disengage.

MammaTJ Sun 24-Feb-13 16:01:27

It is the girlfriend I feel sorry for, should the relationship progress!

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:02:15

His girlfriend is ten years younger than him. She's actually very nice, but very young and I'd be very surprised if it lasts long term. She's only the second girlfriend that we know of, the first only last a few weeks lol

quoteunquote Sun 24-Feb-13 16:03:32

How sad,

My brother is already is an entitled wanker lol! He's always been like that, he's very arrogant and has a domineering attitude. He actually told me once that when he leaves home he will expect his tea on the table every night when he gets home from work. I pity the poor woman he ends up married to

there is a reason he hasn't left home and this is it,

the only woman who would attempt to have a relationship with someone like him is someone who probably needs the pity in advance,

Have you sat down and talked with him about it, does he want to move on?

he sounds like he is purposely making himself undesirable, have any of his friends managed to successfully settle down? bring them up positively in any conversation.

hermioneweasley Sun 24-Feb-13 16:06:13

It's your mother's choice, nothing you can do, especially if you dad won't do anything when he's in the same flipping house!

Springdiva Sun 24-Feb-13 16:07:06

This seems quite a common thing - mother babies child into late adulthood.

The thing is SHE's happy doing this - caring gives substance to her life - and he is making the most of it (who wouldn't).

I would let it go. He will shape up if and when he wants to. My DBinlaw was like this, married at 40, then became the most fanatical do it yourself / gardening/decorating fiend. Just needed to have his own house to light the spark.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:07:37

All of my brothers friendship group moved out years ago. Several of them now have children of their own.

GreenShadow Sun 24-Feb-13 16:10:13

You know, as my children get older (one already at university), I'm beginning to get to the point where I wonder what it'll be like when they all go. I have mixed feelings at the moment, but can well imagine that there will be a very large 'boy-sized' hole when they do all go.

Maybe, your DM simply likes having him there and doesn't want him to go, so does everything to encourage him stay. I assume she is retired, in which case, she might like the fact that it gives her more focus in life. Maybe she worries what it'll be like at home with just your DFather left. After all, cooking/cleaning for one more doesn't actually make that much more work.

Not saying I agree with her way of dealing with it, but you have to think of it from her point of view too.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 24-Feb-13 16:10:17

I do feel really sorry for you. He sounds like an arse!

It's not all men but generally those that have been spoilt rotten by their parents.

I doubt very much if there is a single thing you can do because everyone else is buying into this set up. :-(

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:13:02

GreenShadow my mum still works part time. I think you might be onto something regarding her needing someone to look after though. My issue is that he really don't seem to appreciate it.

akaemmafrost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:18

"probably end up an alcoholic and a suicide"

That's some crystal ball you've got there pessarypam.

Sadly op I don't think there's much you can do, my ex MIL is like this and her ds (ex H) is about as entitled and misogynistic as its possible to be. He's a bit better after being dumped by me, says he realises that women won't put up with it but I don't actually see much real change. I don't think he's capable of it, too deeply ingrained. Your Mum quite possibly may have ruined him for a healthy, equal adult relationship. But maybe that's what she wants? The mother/son dynamic can be a strange thing.

GreenShadow Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:19

I bet he doesn't appreciate at all. What happens when they go on holiday?

HoleyGhost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:22

Stop feeling sorry for your Mum, this is what she wants.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:21

I do aka, I have seen this play out many times. Boys need to be turfed out by 30 or they are farked.

HoleyGhost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:49

Why should he appreciate it? She is not doing him any favours. She is mollycoddling him because she likes to.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:20:18

When my parent go on holiday his girlfriend moves into the home with him. He struggles to get up for work in the mornings(that's something else my mum has to do, get him up for work) so the GF stays over to make sure he's up at a decent time.

Spoonful Sun 24-Feb-13 16:20:32

Feel sorry for your brother.
Your mum and dad have not given him the life skills to live in the normal world, and most likely denied him the opportunity to have a happy family of his own.

cantspel Sun 24-Feb-13 16:22:36

Your mum is probably quite happy with the way things stand so why should she change just because you dont like it?

If they are happy then really it is none of your business.

ilovesooty Sun 24-Feb-13 16:25:49

When my parent go on holiday his girlfriend moves into the home with him. He struggles to get up for work in the mornings(that's something else my mum has to do, get him up for work) so the GF stays over to make sure he's up at a decent time

Does she have his tea on the table and do his laundry as well/

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:26:28

When your DM dies he will not be able to cope. You should tell her she is intentionally raising a disabled son and being really pants at her job. It's not all about her. These people are so evil.

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Sun 24-Feb-13 16:52:20

I could have written this too, OP, although my useless bro has no intention of getting a job. He does zero, leaving my elderly parents to cook, clean, garden and lets them pay eg a window cleaner for things he could easily do but is too damn lazy.

My dad hates it but shuts up because my mum gets shirty and produces the "what am I supposed to do, kick him out to live on the street" line. So now he's nearly 40, unemployable (never had a job, lacks basic skills, poor personal hygiene etc), no woman would come near him. Mother seems happy being a martyr, I've given up.We used to get on well; he's smart, articulate, could be a skilled craftsman, but his future will be bleak. Well done mum.

maddening Sun 24-Feb-13 19:08:48

What does.your dbro say when you say he is out of order?

I could've written your OP too - quite shocking how many of us are familiar with this set up hmm.
To be fair, my DB is not an entitled wanker much grin, but just v passive and just 'let' my mum pick up his dirty laundry, carry to the basement, wash it, hang it up, take it down, fold/iron it, put it in a little basket, with some chocolate on top and drive it back to his house shockangry!!

TBH, I was cross with him for 'allowing' it and cross with her for never questioning that this was right. He was about 35 at the time.

He married aged 39 a very needy, at times unwell woman who cannot/does not contribute to the running of the household. So he works full time, shops, cooks, does laundry, cleans, picks up their daughter etc etc. He truly does not have an easy life, but kind of passively slithered into that situation just like he did with my slightly overbearing mum hmm. Weird? Or Karma? I am not sure...

CelticPixie, you have no choice but to stay out of it. I gather you don't live at home? She is doing what she wants to or at least is conditioned to do and anything you say will be seen as critisism and as uncalled for. Your DB will either grow up. Or not. Nothing you can do or say will make a difference.
I have been glad over the years that I live several hundred miles away from them.

I have 4 boys btw and my parenting is entirely designed to make myself redundant grin.
My DH moved out from home aged 17 and is well-skilled at all household chores. His shirt-ironing skills far outperform mine and I do not mind one little bit grin.

MewlingQuim Sun 24-Feb-13 20:36:39

My DM is like this, it is her way of being in control. My eldest brother moved out at 40+ (to live with a woman who has spent her whole adult life caring for sick parents) and younger bro is still there, now also aged 40+.

DM has only come to visit my DD (her only grandchild) 3 times in the year since she was born, apparently she can't come because she has to be home to make my brother's lunch. hmm

midoriway Sun 24-Feb-13 20:49:46

Are you me OP? 34 year old younger brother still at home, letting mum get up in the dark so she can get to her job, so she can keep paying his broadband bill. He used to be so clever and friendly and handsome, now he is a boring arse. I can not see a woman of any taste or substance shacking up with him.

I ask dad through gritted teeth when the hell they are kicking him out, dad just looked sad and said he has given up talking about it with mum.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:18:41

midor we see loads of these geniuses at the pub, always with a fantastic story about their towering intellect and why they can't work. Always cadging drinks and running up tabs too. They think they are so clever it's sad.

MewlingQuim, I agree that a lot of this is about control and maintaining a purpose in life for some middle-aged/older mothers. It's v sad.
I left home, then buggered off to live abroad, and my mum maintained such an intense relationship with my DB that it is interfering with his marriage and their relationship to my Dniece. They live 2 miles up the road and are barely on speaking terms, yet she will still do their gardening/bring pre-cooked meals/take away laundry and bring it back as a way to gain access to their lives. Aaargh!

Your DM is the one who misses out on getting to know her granddaughter because she 'has to' look after an adul male hmm.

kelhen Sun 24-Feb-13 21:28:33

This sounds sooooo like an Irish Mammy. They worship their sons (am daughter of an Irish Mammy).

midastouch Sun 24-Feb-13 21:35:14

I think i will be you in a few years time except my brother is a lazy f***er who hasnt even got a job, and mummy pays for his cars and repairs it is incredibly annoying but theres not a lot you can do, one day he may regret takign the p**s out of your mum!

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 21:50:33

No I've not lived at home for over five years now. I can't see my brother leaving at all in the near or distant future.

It's very interesting how many other people on this discussion have had similar experiences though, good to know I'm not alone.

Why should he leave?? He's got it made, doesn't he?

This is what used to make me so cross with my brother: the fact that he tolerated and thereby encouraged it. So little dignity in it IMO. It was really important to me to be independent of my parents as soon as practical. They supported me through a long university course, so I really felt I had to get off their payroll as soon as possible, if that makes any sense, and he had no inclination at all. I still cannot fathom it tbh.

It is hard to just stand back and let them get on with it, but I really thing that is your only choice; it certainly is if you want to maintain a civil relationship with them.

RivalSibling Sun 24-Feb-13 22:49:25

My bro was like this at home. Now married, he does very little around the house but tells everyone who listens that he does 'everything'. My mum just gave up when he was younger - I think that for her there was more shame in bringing up an incapable daughter than a lazy son, so I got all the chores and crap and never a thank you.

Benby Mon 25-Feb-13 00:29:40

Ah girls my brother was like this only he was engaged, had a son and had bought a house of his own with his fiancé. My mam was filling the fridge every week and he was eating it not handing up any money. He also treated my mam like she was stupid and would be telling her he told her stuff when he didn't and she must of forgot he told her. He was a pig to her. She finally copped on and told him she was selling her house to live with me, he showed his true colours then.
He told my mam she was making him homeless like wtf and what about his inheritance and all this stuff, called me a big bitch he even sent my mam a solicitors letter to try and stop her selling.
Mam doesn't talk to him anymore and she gave him nothing from the sale of the house and wrote him out of her will.
She was devastated when she realised he only wanted the house and didn't care about her but until my mam had her light bulb moment when she decided to sell I couldn't tell her what my brother was like as she wouldn't hear it of him so I had to stand by and let her come to her own realisation of what he was like.
I just let her know myself and dh were there for her when she was ready and she hasn't looked back since the house sold

MidnightMasquerader Mon 25-Feb-13 06:37:34

I agree with HazelnutinCaramel - you need to take a different tactic. Instead of getting impotently annoyed by him, laugh at him.

Give him shit about the low wage he must be on, not to be able to afford to move out of home. Tell him that there are very few things less sexy than an adult male who still lives with the parents. Who's never even travelled and had to fend for himself.

Throw around words like 'sad case' 'pathetic', 'loser', 'mummy's boy', etc. really wind him up and laugh at him. Make him feel foolish and hit him where it hurts - in his ego.

Does his girlfriend cook and wash for him when your parents go away? Please say no...

coralanne Mon 25-Feb-13 06:46:20

There's really nothing you can or should do.

Friend's DD has a BIL exactly like this and they stress over the very same things.

Friend's DD "hates" her BIL.

I told my friend that it is nothing to do with them and if the Mother is prepared to put up with itall then that is her choice.

Ihave a really hugh home and live in it by myself. DS who is 25 shares a home with two friends.

He said "I'm too old to be living at home with my Mum," It wouldn't worry me as he would have a self contained part of the house.

He mows my lawns every week. Comes every day while I'm at work and takes the dogs for a walk. I cook him a baked dinner on Wednesday (my day off) and we sit and chat about the week.

coralanne Mon 25-Feb-13 06:48:50

Make that a huge house

MidnightMasquerader Mon 25-Feb-13 06:48:56

My Dad says that anyone worth their salt leaves home at 18. shock

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