Because I OBVIOUSLY requested and earnt/deserved a premature baby (yes it's a MIL one)

(69 Posts)
MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:51

So frustrated I could explode at the moment (and no hope of support from DH on this one either). Just had the weekly horror of the "grandchild expected to be sat on Skype so I can sit in splendour, do naff all actually WITH her and chat AT her about how nasty her mummy and daddy are making her sit here and be bored" call with her. I was always a relative defender of MILs - knowing and admitting mine was, at times, very annoying - but she became increasingly ridiculous last pregnancy - and my tolerance dropped a helluva lot. She was a great help - but still her behaviour just made a really tough time (DD1 was the best part of 2 months prem, I had a horrific hospital stay with her, horrible case of birth trauma and just generally a very very dark time in my life - to the extent I regard our "family" life as beginning when we drove out of the hospital carpark together)... from the absolutely awful hystrionics when she first saw DD1 (who was an exceptionally cute looking baby, utterly perfectly formed - just on the dinky side), to shoving me aside so I didn't get to participate in the first bath (I had asked some of the ward staff to help me get my head around the logistics of bathing a baby that came in XXsmall!) and spent it shoved into a corner feeling like utter crap. I had her quizzing me with my expressed breast milk yields like some kind of fucking dairy cow - just total scrutiny all the time.

Since then I've had ridiculous amounts of pressure piled on regarding weaning and comments about how she MUST eat the couple of things I dislike or it'll be some kind of picky-eater armageddon - EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEKLY CALL. Hubby made the mistake of mentioning that DD wasn't too keen on her first taste of salmon - that became some massive source of inquisition for weeks on end (hell - this is probably the least-picky eater child I know out of any in my social circle)... and teeth - because obviously we're purposely withholding teeth out of spite (and it ain't for lack of drool/cheeks you could roast marshmallows over they're so hot and red), crawling - everything like that she basically goes into utter denial shutdown talk-over-you mode if you dare mention that she might do these things slightly later than the "norm" (or indeed the perfect other grandchild) because of the prematurity thing. She doesn't have a single photo on-show of DD in her house prior to her feeding tube being removed - it's ridiculous, and it makes me quite cross because I REFUSE to have DD feel stigmatised or any degree of shame over the fact that she came early and had to go in a special box to keep her warm and safe like in mummy's tummy for a little while till she was big and strong. Yet if we visit her - it's like this black hole in time where she simply didn't exist till she was aesthetically pleasing enough to be shown in public. We won't even add in the endless comments about how DD is being pretty much expected to be pulling the dogs' tails - both sides of that equation are kept very very well segregated and being taught from the outset how to get along and act acceptably toward each other - I refuse to allow a toddler aggravating a family pet to be viewed as inevitable or acceptable behaviour. We've said this time and time again it gets ignored.

Anyway - I'm pregnant again, absolutely racked with SPD and in horrific pain, struggling to physically cope because of this - my mum's running up and down the country trying to balance helping me out along with her own committments... I'm almost at the point where labour started last time - so understandably I'm bricking it about that... so on our weekly Skype today, as well as the endless jibes about how unfair and boring we are to make DD sit on there (when SHE bloody well demands it), we had loads of comments basically digging away that I must have done something to cause the prematurity last time - that I need to rest because that'll stop it this time (I was knackered last time, had packed in work and was doing nowt BUT rest - that didn't help then lol - and this time I have a 10 month old to deal with), then loads of "oh I hope we don't see you for at least another month" (note the assumption I want her down here when this baby's born - I really don't want the stress, the judgement, scrutiny and the undermining of confidence that she's been up to ever since DD1 was born)... just dig dig dig dig about the fact that I dared (and of course it's my fault - I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm") to go prematurely last time.

Hubby refuses to back me on this - so I'm on my own and will get no choice in her coming down at all - she'll steamroller in, grab the babies (out of my arms if needs be) and shove me bodily out of the way (I've literally had to change a shitty nappy before with her head 2 cm away from DD1's face and me trying to change it down the business end - she didn't take the polite hint of "can you just be careful there, I don't want to get any of this on you" at all and just continued).

Last fucking thing I need to deal with right now - and I can't be assertive with her - because a) it just gets ignored anyway and b) they've given us so much help we're kind of indebted to them.

YouTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:40:50

You do have a choice. You say 'no'. Tell your dh that you need time after the baby comes (whether it is early or not) to recover and bond. And if the mil doesn't like that it is tough.

Can you get your dh to read your op?

And for what it's with it doesn't sound like they've given you 'so much help we're indebted to then'. It sounds like they lord it over you on their terms when it suits them but aren't interested in actual help - you know where you do things to make life easier for the other person rather than what you want.

Gigondas Sun 24-Feb-13 15:45:14

That is a hugely long post (and some more paragraphs might have helped).

The thing that struck me was dh attitude - he needs to back you about how you want things to be with dc2. Have you got a firm idea of how you would like it to be (when visitors attend, how to get help etc ). If you have discuss it - if not write it down and try to formulate what is key.

It does sound like your mil is very full on but your post is very dense and also It seems that you are having dc2 quite soon after dc1 which is naturally quite stressful even if you haven't had a horrendous time . Of course dc1 wasn't prem by design but I do wonder if mil is a focus for projecting a lot of trauma and anxiety about birth of dc1 etc.

Also have you been offered any counselling about your previous birth trauma. That may help diffuse some of your naturAl anxiety. Speak to your MW about it.

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:45:32

Sadly, YellowDinosaur - it would make no difference - it's all stuff I've said to him before, even been in tears sobbing about before - and it's just been dismissed as me being irrational and stuff (yes, I have mental health issues stemming from the birth trauma with the last birth and some of it IS probably me feeling just shoved aside and being oversensitive - but the prematurity digs really really stung me today).

Gigondas Sun 24-Feb-13 15:46:31

And yes agree that no is available here- there is no need for you to be so grateful that you send yourself into
Decline.

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 15:47:43

YABU to put up with this.

You don't have to be at the other end of weekly skype calls either. Be out.

Let your DH deal with HIS parents. Be pro-active, don't put up with it. Don't co-operate.

Be unreasonable. For a while.

Once you've done that and been that, be reasonable once more.

YouTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:49:51

Say no and keep repeating it ad nauseam until it sinks in.

She can come when YOU are ready.

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 15:51:20

I don't agree that it's for your DH to sort out... he's in the middle of two women he loves and is a bit scared of.

You have to play hard ball with HER. Your DH may be forced into action then, or he'll remain in the middle. This is your battle with her, and hers with you.

Being in the middle is not a nice place to be in all honesty, because I am sure sometimes your rants to your DH aren't always reasonable, and in all probability neither are your MILs... if there's something he 'should' be doing by all means point it out, but you need to be pro-active here.

You're articulate and annoyed... aim that at your MIL, play her at her own game, and if your DH gets the flack for it, point out that it's HIS battle to sort, not yours smile

fluckered Sun 24-Feb-13 15:51:23

uninstall skype and say laptop on the blink! problem solved. yanbu. no contact with this woman til you are ready. let your dh handle her. you have enough on your plate. good luck with birth x

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 15:53:52

When mine PFB was born pre 30weeks my MIL made it all about her.

Was worried about coming to see the baby because she didn´t know what it would look like!

Silly cow!

Walked in and grabbed my husband's hand for support-er didn´t she think that he might have needed some?

And couldn´t work the soap dispenser thing so thought it would be OK to use just water.

As she was Gran & obviously didn´t mean him any harm!

Right, so, any help they have given you should have been unconditional.

You don´t owe them anything.

Why do you get no choice in her coming down?

If she won´t be any help-why have her there?

Can´t your husband have time off to help if needed initially?-or even if not needed?

My second was born 4wks before DD!

mrsbunnylove Sun 24-Feb-13 15:54:58

you've got a lot on. but while you're caring for dd1 and coping with your current pregnancy, could i politely, gently and caringly suggest that you also 'grow a pair'?

refuse to skype, and keep the dd away too. when mil can be polite, then try it. if she speaks out of turn, switch off. but not before you tell her she can't come to stay until she's invited.

she's in the habit of bullying you. but you've outgrown it. time to move on.

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:56:12

Apart from the prematurity digs which have just surfaced today (obviously she's had issues about it for a while - exemplified by things like the selective photographs thing), it's just the constant assumption and presenting me with fait accomplis - I usually just get told "oh mum's coming down X day - I'll be at work so she's just coming straight to the house" anyway, but there's been no questioning or asking me about what WE want to happen this time when the baby comes - just the assumption she'll be hopping into the car and getting here - which I'd probably have wanted if it wasn't for her behaviour last time and since DD1 arrived - having seen the way she went on, I don't want her here until we've got things on an even keel.

Doesn't help that every single movement of mine gets relayed onto SIL and analysed between the pair of them (hence me removing SIL from FB in the end as everything was getting relayed and commented on) - the other reason I don't want her down for a couple of days (assuming a full-term delivery) until I get sorted out, get the new baby's personality sorted out and get DD1 into how life's changed slightly... otherwise the pair of them will be sitting picking holes in us just finding our feet. Hubby doesn't get that part either!

And sorry - I type in long paragraphs it's just what I do (and half the keys on this keyboard are usually borked)

anonymosity Sun 24-Feb-13 15:56:57

On a really basic level you and your DH are forming your own family unit and the interference of your MIL is disrupting that and unravelling you a bit in the process. Can you ask your DH to help you find coping mechanisms? He can't refuse that surely. If he doesn't back you completely he could compromise and "block" some of what is happening from you by stepping up maybe?

I dont have other practical suggestions. It sounds immensely stressful. I had to tell my MIL that we needed a "little time and a bit of space to get used to being a family" when she tried to come over EVERY single week after our DC1 was born - from the first week onwards. She was insulted and said " I don't want to be a PEST" when in fact, thats exactly what she was doing.

I think its a fraught time for a lot of people, but it will pass, all things do.

EchoBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:00:35

Accidentally Slap her round the face with a smelly nappy.

Say oops,sorry.

And your DH should be backing you up.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:02:01

What's your DH's problem? Soz, that's blunt but he should be stood there, buffering his family against the world. And if that includes his mother then so be it. Is he quite clear on what an issue this is for you?

rhondajean Sun 24-Feb-13 16:04:31

My second dd was a 32 weeker, emergency CS for a footling breech in the middle of the night. In our case, I know exactly why that was (I have a mullerian anomaly) but even so, I spent years racking myself because if I had taken it easier, done something different, maybe I could have held on just a bit longer and she wouldn't have had to go through what she did.

I would have felt hellish if anyone else suggested it was my fault too.

My own mother was a nightmare. Culminating in her appearing when dd was about two weeks old DEMANDING to know what was going on, because she just KNEW there was something wrong with our (perfect but tiny) baby and we were hiding it from her. It was remarkable how she managed to make it all about her.

I really don't know what to advise, except that if your baby is in SCBU you can give instructions on who is and isn't allowed to visit, and if you do have another preemie, I'd be giving them instructions on exactly who isn't welcome in the unit.

LittleBearPad Sun 24-Feb-13 16:06:07

I agree. Switch Skype off - its terrible when broadband goes on the blink isn't it. Tell your DH you aren't bring irrational and you need his support. You're about to have another baby and frankly his mother can sod off if she can't be helpful.

Thinking f you and feel free t come here and rant.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:06:40

Just tell her to fuck off and if DH intervenes tell him to fuck off too. Just be totally irrational, give the arses something to complain about. Being nice ain't cutting it. Tell your DH to bloody man up or do one.

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 16:08:49

He doesn't do assertive or protecting his family naturally kalidanger - it's not his natural personality (lovely kind caring guy - just lacks that side to him) and there's this funny family dynamic where basically he just defers to his sister and is never quite taken seriously - just in an "oh it's just our funny little X" kind of role with them. That one, however annoying it is for me to see happening constantly, isn't my battle to fight so I just grit my teeth over it - if he's happy with them viewing and treating him that way then so be it.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:08:52

I don't think you need to 'play' irrational... Or you certainly shouldn't bloody have to shock

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:12:37

Miaow Soz, x-posted.

If it doesn't come naturally to him can't you spell out precisely what you want to happen and he can do what you tell him, instead of what they tell him for once? wink

No unplanned visits. None. They can be arranged in advance but NO unplanned visits.

Just that for a start ^ I'll have to re-read thread :D

AmberLeaf Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:46

I agree with PessaryPam.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:47

OK. No more fucking Skype until you're safe through this pregnancy and until you feel ready after the birth. There's no law you have to Skype. Email her a pretty pic of DD and talk in the phone. You are pregnant, not ill, but you're actually not well at the moment and you're just going to have to TELL DH you're withdrawing to relax and bake your bun in peace.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:54

Just say NO, you arent coming, if you come, you will not be allowed in.

You dont have to put up with it, you wanna be bitch about it, then fuck her, be a bitch, your the mum, you hold the cards, and you can play any card you like.

I think your DH needs a big fucking shove up the backside to be perfectly honest with you. shock It's is appalling that he has allowed his mother to treat you in such a disgusting manner! He should be ashamed of himself! angry He's the one who needs to grow a bloody pair, he should be protecting you, not calling you bloody irrational! FFS! You have a 10 month old, who was 2 months premature, you had a traumatic birth AND you're heavily pregnant again! He should not be letting this happen.

Can you ask your mother to have a word with MIL and tell her to back the fuck off? You are very vulnerable right now and you need the people around you to be supporting you, not vilifying you and calling you irrational. hmm In fact give me your MIL's email and I'll tell her to bloody well back off, cheeky cow! (Her, not you). angry

Dawndonna Sun 24-Feb-13 16:24:48

Tell her she is welcome to come.....
to an empty house, because if she turns up or threatens to turn up uninvited by you then you will be at your Mother's place. And go.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:29:03

Yes DebbieLoves(Does)Dallas, he is a pathetic excuse of a man. OP please show him this.

YouTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 16:30:13

Yes, show him, Miaow. Not one person who has posted thinks you are being unreasonable to want a bit of space with your baby away from the mil.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:31:57

My little sister was also 2 months premature, so i knew that having a premature baby is a terrifying experience, you dont need this stress with the new baby coming.

You need to have a really honest discussion with your husband, because he should be atleast telling his mother to stop.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 16:35:20

Oh OP i can so sympathise!

My Pil (who i previously got on ok with) have been awful since DD was born, nowhere near as bad as your Mil but still for me it's been bad.

I'm due with no.2 in May and was suffering such anxiety that i've beenfor counselling. My Dh previously struggled to be supportive and it had gotten to the point where i felt i was being irrational and it was all "my issues" causing it.

Counselling has given me the strength to realise it is not my problemscausing this and i am allowed to feel like this. I've discussed it all with Dh and he knows now that we need to be a team, i basically said that either we are a team and my happiness and that of our little family comes first or this will become a big issue in our marriage.

But, and it's a huge but, i will not be relying on Dh to handle it, i am going to be decisive and confident in my own right. Eg this week i just said nope to skype, said he was welcome to do it by himself (whivh he did) but as i knew it would leave me feeling anxious i didn't want to. End of. And i will be setting the rules when the baby comes, i will say when i feel up to seeing people, what others want does not interest me. If we draw the curtains and switch off the phone so be it.

Sorry for the long reply, i guess what i'm saying is you are not being irrational, how you feel is perfectly valid. Explain to Dh exactly how you feel, very clearly, and how you want him to support you, but don't rely on him, take back some control yourself and if they try and engage in arguments about it just disengage and ignore.

Good luck.

Euphemia Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:27

Time to put your foot down. YOU are the mum now, not her. You are the chief female in the family, not her.

If DH tells you she's coming, clear off out. No Skype. Shutdown time.

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:40

"He doesn't do assertive or protecting his family naturally"

How convenient for him!

Have you anywhere you could go to if they turn up?

Obviously if he wants his parents there at some time-OK-but it´s got to be suitable for you both.

And if he's going to piss off to work & leave you-then no bloody way.

If you´re the one at home then you get to say who visits you!

These should be the happiest times of your life OP. Please dont let your MIL spoil things for your own little family. She sounds like a bully to me.

How dare she treat you in this way. Please stand up to her.

Sometimes a good bollocking does people good. Honestly. smile

ChristmasJubilee Sun 24-Feb-13 16:47:35

"I'm sorry, that won't work for me." And repeat.

YANBU.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:52:50

Yes yes Christmas, if he won't man up you will have to do it for him OP.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:54:22

littlemonkey Good for you thanks

sittinginthesun Sun 24-Feb-13 17:01:16

I think you need to take control of this.

Your MIL is only a woman. You do not need to bend over backwards trying to please her. Do what you feel is right, and if doesn't like if, then it is her problem. Her issue.

And what she says or gossips to your SIL is irrelevant. Just ignore it.

Work out what you want - when do you want to talk to her, when do you want to see her after the birth, and for how long. Then tell your DH that you have been thinking about it, and made a decision. He'll probably be glad that you are taking charge, if he's not keen on it himself.

My MIL tends to take over, but there are times when I have had to lay down the ground rules. To be fair, she sticks to them.

You are in control here!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 17:04:07

Sometimes you just need to put people in their place, dont be scared too, your perfectly in your right to do it.

MarkGruffalohohoho Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:13

brew thanks

His Mum - He can skype with baby on lap if need be - Where are you? As per her unwanted advice, you are resting.
If she does the 'Naughty daddy making you sit here bored' bullshittery he agrees with her and brings baby to you, leaving him with mother-son time (EVIL CACKLE)

or as someone else suggests find an excuse to ditch skype and he makes the weekly calls to Mommy dearest. She sounds delightful.

You also need to make it clear no visits til you are ready - no she won't like it but tough tits. I said no visitors for 3 weeks then relented - bloody stupid of me. Second time round no visitors for 6 weeks, stuck to it and had a 3 week babymoon. Will be doing the same with the next one.

If people don't like it and it makes me a selfish cow sorry but tough and I'd rather be selfish with a bonded happy baby than stressed and depressed and resentful.

Good Luck x

leeloo1 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:17:00

Can you not think of sarcastic replies to her rudeness on skype?

So each time she says 'oh poor DD, why is mummy so mean to make you sit there getting bored?' then either take DD off to play or put her down with toys so MIL can't see her, saying 'you're right MIL, DD is getting a bit bored we'd better put her back with her toys. Off you go DD'. - After all, what can MIL say when she's the one who commented on her being bored? grin

If she says 'you need to rest so you don't have another premmie.' Say 'Wow MIL, is that what caused my early labour??? I must tell the Drs as they said it was due to xyz/didn't know what caused it.'

It must be so frustrating and upsetting for you, but you need to find a way to stand up for yourself if no-one else will.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:45

Thanks kalidanger.

Honestly Op, at first it feels like a massive deal to be assertive, but once you start you realise, as sittinginthesun says she's just a woman and actually has zilch control over you. It's quite liberating.

You have nothing to lose, you Mil in law won't change her behavioyr and nor will your Dh it seems, but you can change your behaviour.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 24-Feb-13 17:27:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigJessie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:04

Wow. You have the self-control of a saint. One of my relatives (alternative health therapist, thinks she's God's gift to obstetrics) told me ONCE that I'd caused the twins' prem birth, (strangely enough, she totally contradicted my consultant grin ) and I nearly told her she was a thick, insensitive, arrogant know-it-all!

Time to take the advice of wiser people than me up above. I think you need to have a little less self-control, now!

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:17

And make your 'D' H read this thread.
He has no right to put you through this.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:27

There are w hole bunch of nasty issues going on here and I feel for you.
You and dh need to sit down and agree ground rules. Which you both enforce.
I suggest
Only he does the Skype
Mil comes when invited after birth and only by prearrangement after.
If she does the overbearing snatchy thing you need to tell her no. And repeat.
Is she says any cruel shit about the preterm thing being your fault you need to say something along the lines of "wow, did you mean that to be so hurtful."
If the myriad of advice here doesn't do the trick maybe we can reword your op and send it as a letter.

TheBigJessie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:40:41

I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm".

Sounds like a great idea to me!

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 17:48:54

Anyway, soon you´ll be too busy to prat about skyping every bloody week.

Let your husband do it-or not!

lotsofcheese Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:34

Miaow - I really feel for you, having been in a similar position with a premature child, a DP who wouldn't stand up to his DM & am 6 months pregnant.

Firstly, have you been offered any counselling regarding PTSD & it's effect in your current pregnancy? Your GP, obstetrician or midwife should be able to refer you.

Secondly, I agree with opting out of Skype with MIL. Why put yourself through that?

Thirdly, perhaps think about some boundaries eg only seeing MIL in DH's presence ie weekends, no unplanned visits (ensure you're out unless you expressly have agreed to it?).

I'm determined not to find myself in the same situation again & am defining my boundaries now. MIL will get one chance only this time & I'm not prepared to put up with crap again. I was very vulnerable the last time (who leaves a NICU experience unscathed mentally?).

Good luck

Ps I really hope your DH grows a backbone (and mine!) xxx

quietbatperson Sun 24-Feb-13 18:41:29

And why were you trying to avoid getting poo on this woman's face? Passive aggressive yes, but soooo satisfying grin

Downandoutnumbered Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:44

Could you got to your Mum's when you have DC2? I do see that you can't physically bar her from your house, but if I were you I wouldn't want to be there. It sounds as though your Mum is more supportive than your DH, sadly.

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 18:59:09

Yeah - next time I'll pray that one of the babies fires off the pee cannon grin

I know I need to have a talk with DH whenever he's in an amenable mood - probably not today cos he'll just be prone to disregarding what I say as a manifestation of my SPD pain.

Annoying thing is - I know she generally means well and just has lapses in sensitivity with things like yanking the baby out of my arms and stuff... but the prem stuff's been bubbling on the backburner for ages - I knew she had some issues from the lack of photos thing, but didn't realise it's obviously been playing on her mind that she felt I had done something to cause it (she's obviously smarter than all the docs who never figured out why it had happened).

I mean compared to some of the really malicious characters you hear about - she's a saint in comparison really - and her son IS a lovely kind, gentle character - albeit one with the assertiveness of a soggy marshmallow.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 24-Feb-13 19:00:40

Wow OP, I am also suffering with SPD (although now it is labelled as PGP and nobody knows what that is so I say SPD instead grin)

I have had a hell of a weekend in pain, miserable, house bound and quite frankly at the point of telling the world to fuck the fuck off for the next 4.5 weeks til DS is here.

Obviously I am hormonal, in pain and irrational.

I don't have a cow of a MIL to worry about with opinions that are unhelpful and not asked for.

You have my utter sympathy. My advise:

1) Switch Skype off (oh look, you computer is broken...oh what a shame MIL, we'll catch up v.soon --when hell freezes over--)
2) Give DH a kick up the arse and ask him to stop being a dick and support you.
3) No more advice but I find eating chocolate and junk food satisfying (yes i know that will bite my behind eventually but this last weekend I don't care!)

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:27:31

Well if he doesn't do assertive you'll have to. I think parents and parents in law sometimes struggle to see that their children are Adults. Obviously it is better to be assertive from day 1, but better late than never. Being assertive marks you as someone not to be messed with. If you think DD1 is getting bored calmly say so and walk away. Any digs about premature labour just say "gosh, it comes across that you BLAME me for last time, is that true". Just say to her. I've decided not to have visitors for the first three weeks and deflect all arguments think through what she might say have an answer.

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:05

Sorry did she actually say you did something to cause premature labour the last time?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:44

Yanbu.

So your dh dislikes rocking the boat with his family but he's happy to rock the boat your sat in.

Nothing pisses me off more than this whole ohhh the dads got an equal right to decide who visits when your home from hospital.no they don't and until they are the ones sat there having pushed a baby out and dealing with the recovery from doing so they won't.

If hospitals weren't such annoying places and it wasnt so impossible with other children I would say bring back the every mother getting to stay being looked after by people with there interests at heart for 3 weeks after.

You should be being protected from this bad behaviour. No matter what stage you deliver.

If it were me I would disengage from her until I was able to cope with her.that means no Skype and no visits

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:28

I'd go nuts at anyone that took my baby out of my arms!

Viviennemary Sun 24-Feb-13 19:37:16

I was ready to sympathise with your mil but once I had read all your post I think you should tell her that she can't come and that's the end of it. No, no and no again. Till it gets through. But try and be nice about it if you can. Good luck.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:38:56

of course another option is to say to dh, "I'm so fucking fed up to death of you siding with your mother that eitger I am going to take dd and stay with my mum until after the baby is born or you are going to stay with your mother and keep the fuck away from me"

basicalky, your dh needs to step up to the plate, listen to his wife and stand up to his mother.
thestress is not going to do you or the baby any good.

and fucking cut off theskype - you're not beholden to the witch.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:40:22

also, you could take matters into your own hands and ask the ward staff to refuse entry to the interfering over-the-mark-stepping old cow

LiegeAndLief Sun 24-Feb-13 19:45:33

Your problem is not MIL. Not fundamentally. It's your dh.

I've also had a prem baby and a MIL who tried to make it into my fault. Dh hung up on her and then unplugged the phone socket. If he had said nothing I'm not sure i could have hung around.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:57

I think you are in denial about the absolute vileness of your MIL and the total wetness of your DP. Until you deal with this you are only going to be a victim. Sorry but that's true.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 21:44:49

Watch out Op, your last post hints at the cycle i was stuck in - i'd be anxious and stressed about Pil, but then tell myself that oh they could be worse and that often they seemed nice, and that Dh us so lovely in general that his not standing up to them was because he's nice etc etc.

Basically this is trying to talk yourself out of how you feel and leads you to the conclusion that "oh if they're not that bad in some ways it must be me being irrational" etc.

No, how you are feeling is valid and justified and you and Dh need to address it.

It took my anxiety reaching crazy levels, and a lot of reading posts on MN to make me realise that actually i didn't need to out up with it (thanks MN!).

So yes show your Dh this thread, not in a "see everyone thinks you're wrong" way, but as a way of showing him just how stressed and upset by it you are.

If he's lovely as you say then he'll back you up.

Pickles101 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:50

Why do you Skype every week?
OP, I am annoyed on your behalf. Smack her round the chops and tell her to fuck off.

No matter how kind she may have been in the past, she's not being very kind now and you are now way indebted to her. If he doesn't get hints, don't hint.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:12

littlemonkey Wete you the poster whose PIL used to let themselves into your house while you were chilling out, naked and pregnant? I hope so (!) because its fantastic news that you got everything sorted smile

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:13

1) Stop skyping and be nowhere in the background while MIL is on skype. Tell your DH he is doing the Skype from now on. Email MIL and DH and say that you are officially handing the skype contact over to DH as you are too tired.

2) Also tell MIL that you look forward to her visit after the birth but that you will need time to bond first and so you request they come the day after you arrive home. Putting it in writing firmly/politely means your needs can be seen. If your DH is too weak to back you, that's his problem as you can tell the midwifes you don't want MIL visit. They will refuse her entry.

2) Just before the MIL arrives put your new baby in a sling. Refuse to move baby as baby is so happy and content there. It's the one sure way of keeping the baby close if you need to bond.

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:27

Tell your DH you will be going to your mothers/friends house if MIL arrives before you are ready.

EldritchCleavage Mon 25-Feb-13 00:14:15

I would end your involvement in the Skype call as of now. Let your DH do it, if he wants to. It's one thing for her to be insensitive and unkind, quite another for her and your DH to expect you to sit there passively and listen to it.

And I would give DH a taste of what his mother gives him-less discussion about what you want and why, more recitations of what is going to happen and when. As long as you are reasonable and his mother is demanding, MIL is going to get her way. it's less painful for DH to annoy you.

I'm not suggesting you become a complete cow to either of them, just say no calmly and firmly and stick to it. So tell DH what the post-birth plan is, and say that while of course MIL is welcome to visit you just won't wear his mother turning up whenever she wants. Easy for me to say of course, but I do think trying to get DH to understand is too difficult right now-better to work on getting your own way, whether he understands or not.

littlemonkeychops Mon 25-Feb-13 13:36:18

No kalidanger that wasn't me thankfully we managed to dodge the giving them a key issue when we last moved (just the thought of them having a key brings me out in a cold sweat!).

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