*To be --shit-- scared of death*

(63 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 01:59:43

Lately I've been having these unwelcome thoughts about death. I don't think I'm depressed or anything but I might have mild anxiety. I just find myself thinking about the human condition and hating that I might DIE one day and I might leave my beautiful dcs alone in this harsh world where no-one cares will be good enough to look after them. My dad died --he was so abusive my mum breathed a sigh when he died--but my mum and all my siblings still live so this is not because I've been grieved too much.

I also suffer from very low motivation levels thinking what's the point of it all and I think only the immeasurable love i feel for my dcs is the major driving force spearheading my opposition to gravity--that keeps me going --so I need to get a grip and continue with my studies instead of wasting time wallowing

I'm early thirties,very healthy although anyone can die of any cause healthy or not These thoughts never used to cross pollutemy mind, say a few months ago. But now they have become recurrent and somewhat haunting to the point I'm wondering whether it's normal or not?

Is this normal?
Any parents out there troubled haunted by thoughts like these or should I just get over myself?
What do you think?

Selks Sun 24-Feb-13 02:03:30

I get this too. It's pretty unpleasant and makes me feel quite panicky, but I don't reckon it's unusual. I think feeling a bit freaked about the prospect of dying is pretty normal, although many people don't seem to feel the same way.

It's not 'normal' to start to have these sorts of intrusive, negative thoughts. I think it would be a really good idea to get some help. Do you like your GP?

Fanjango Sun 24-Feb-13 02:05:20

We all get these thoughts. I have woken up in tears through the dreams of death in the family.
Truth is we are not in control of these things (most likely why it scares us so much) and we do not likt the unknown.
You are fine, chill!!

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:08:57

MrsTerryPratchett I dont really know who my GP is as there is a different one every time I visit them! So you think I should visit the GP? I never thought as far as that to be honest
Selks I'msorry you get this too. It's pretty rubbish isn't it?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:10:40

Fanjango True! True! But Idont know how to shut them off unfortunately sad

pollypandemonium Sun 24-Feb-13 02:13:29

I think when you are in grief you think about the dead person dying (what they went through), not about yourself or others.

I agree with Mrs TP that it's not normal for these thoughts to be intrusive, and CBT would be a good way forward, it may be your anxiety getting worse.

If you were just always a bit like that, meh. However, you say you didn't always feel this way and the thoughts have become recurrent and somewhat haunting. That would worry me. Do the thoughts make you act in a certain way, do things or not do things?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:16:27

Now there is a thought.

Thank ladies for swift replies. I wasn't expecting much at this time of day. Just Icouldn't sleep.

Now you've got me thinking. off to google the benefits of CBT

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:22:31

I would say a certain amount of anxiety is normal when you're talking about the sometimes overwhelming emotions you can have with having DC, emotions that are pretty unique compared to how you feel about other people in your life.

But is the amount of strikethroughs in your OP significant? Are the feelings you're having so significant you're reluctant to say just how strong they are?

I have OCD and am also plagued by 'doom scenarios', they play out a fair bit when I'm just generally thinking about things, and living with the constant reminders that the most important people in your life could be snatched away at any moment can be difficult to live with.

But it's all about perspective, that as...I can't think of the word for it...as sad (but not boohoo sad IYSWIM grin) as it sounds, you have to accept the risk of something happening to them as part of being able to have them in your life.

And that's a risk I'm prepared to take.

If it wasn't for leaving the DDs I would be 100% OK with going when it's my time to shuffle off, but the weird thing I've found with having a DC2, is that I'm a bit worried about how I'd cope with something happening to just one of them because I'd be forced into staying here so I didn't leave one on their own.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:23:20

Mrsterry I believe since I started noticing the frequency of these intrisive thoughts, my motivation has gone out the window.

I am meant to be studying for Nov exams.I just can't face it at the
moment whereas usually I'd just get on with it. I feel like im not good enough at most things though I know that my dcs are thriving at school and I can't be that bad a mum.

To be fair, a lot has happened lately and I seperated from abusive ex and Im only beginning to get stronger I hope so whether that's connected or not I don't know

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:27:08

Separating from your abusive ex is a huge thing, something which shakes you to your foundations could make the anxiety come out in ways you're not sure are connected to it?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:33:48

Agent You have articulated my concerns so aptly. I think since I had dc3, my responsibility increased exponentially and the reality hit me like a tonne of bricks. I worried about the first two obviously but I didn't lose sleep about it, which is normal.

I do worry more about something happening to one of them more as I wouldn't know how to continue but people do carry on from such tragedies don't they?

I also think that my fears are bourne through ex inadequacy to provide good enough influence to them as I feel alone and providing for 98% of their needs.I feel burdened maybe almost to beaking point.But I always though I cope well with life's little nuances

Good for you getting rid. Agent is right, that is a massive deal.

Do you keep a diary? It might be worth noting your moods and how they affect you. Then you can see if this is something that is escalating, reducing, affecting you badly. You will also have something really useful to show a therapist if you choose that route.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:42:04

Agent Yes separating did shake me up a lot but mostly in a positive way as I was sick of the guy and he'd refused to leave for years. He is gone but is hoping for a reconciliation which is cutting me up as I wish he would just leave me alone.
I am a lot happier alone and he now spends time with the kids, so I get a break and I honestly thought I was getting my life back after years of fire fighting but really I think you guys might have a point about seeing th

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:49:05

After I'd posted I thought I could have overshared a bit and put extra stuff in your head to worry about, I hope I didn't.

Do you think these thought patterns have become a bit of a routine? In that you go back to them as a default position? There's no radio/TV on, the DC are in bed and it's quiet, so your thoughts always go to the same thing of imagining what your life would be like if the people who give it such meaning were not there?

If it's perhaps caused by something significant happening in your life, and maybe the thought processes have become a 'habit', that's not too bad a situation in that you can work on establishing ways of steering away from them when you recognise you're falling into the routine.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 02:49:27

Mrsterry Yes I will start doing that, that sounds like a good idea.

In general, I'm fine but its the night time when kids are in bed when my mind begins to wander. I did get teary yesterday just watching dc3 7months sleeping hence the post today.
I think you have a point about monitoring the moods to get the picture of what is going on.
I never really thought about this in a context as it felt like just random thought

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 02:52:58

At the risk of playing the role of an armchair psychologist, could the stress you were under with an abusive man have led you to 'miss' that stress now you're not accountable to him (because it was always there and the norm), and now you're left thinking 'there must be something I'm missing, I should feel anxious, I normally do...' and the fear over your DC has just naturally filled that space?

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:05:49

agent I'm grateful you have "overshared". I do wonder sometimes whether I have OCD!

I usually am fine listening to the radio usually or tv (rarely) Like Mrsterry said, I think I will start monitoring these patterns to get the fuller picture as I didn't regard them as significant/harmful thoughts at all, just unwelcome, like a lingering mosquito.

Yes,the major thing at the moment is unemployment as I was made redundant last year. Just hoping something will materialise as I hate to stay at home 100%. To be honest, this is my major worry,not the ex

GrammyPissedRUs Sun 24-Feb-13 03:09:06

I've been feeling the same since my mother's death about 18 months ago. I suppose realisation of our mortality hits us all at different stages. I've started living a healthier lifestyle, drinking less, plenty of veg and exercise and generally trying to avoid excess of any kind. Sounds very dull doesn't it? But beyond what you are doing you can't control your fate so why stress about it? Especially as stress can cause life threatening illness! There is that famous poem...God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other ...
I'm an atheist so I don't think god can give me that but I think i have found it in myself.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:16:06

Agent I don't miss the ex all.If we didn't have kids, I'd move to some far flung destination where I never have to see him again.He wore me down by sucking all the joy out ofmy life.Now I'm a shellof what I used tobebut beginning to laugh again.

He was abusive verbally which I ignored but really you cant "unhear" verbal diarrhoea even if you dont take notice, so I guess the damage was done. He refused to look after the kids, now he does as he has no choice, he was lazy re work and seemed to think that as I was the higher earner, it was my responsibility to mother him. Wrong. So, no I don't miss him and we were so wrong together at so many levels

Pudgy2011 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:21:53

If it makes you feel any better, since I lost my younger brother to cancer 8 months ago I have been terrified of death.

For the first 5 months or so after he passed I was ok, but I spent so much time researching life after death looking for answers that now my brain never rests.

The last 6 weeks or so I have slipped into a sorry state of affairs, scared of death, scared that I can't protect my baby boy. I don't know what terrifies me more, the thought of me leaving him and having him feel the grief that I'm going through, or the fear that something will happen to him and me going through what my parents are going through. I can't bear the thought. I'm usually the most positive person you can meet, I never used to be scared and now I'm scared of everything. I can't get excited about the future and feel so flat. I've gone back to see my grief counsellor and she said it sounds a lot like depression - I hate feeling this way, scared and unsure of myself.

The only thing that has helped me through is distraction techniques and rescue remedy! Gt yourself a really easy chick lit read and whenever you feel overwhelmed by the fear start reading. I've found it really helps me. I find the anxiety far worse a week or so before I'm due on and it definitely comes and goes but I wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings. Sometimes they crop up at the most random moments. They will pass.

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 03:23:16

Sorry, I didn't mean you miss your ex in that he's not in your life any more, I meant more that the pressure you were under when you were with him has left a hole where you'd normally be stressing, and that gap has been filled with something as equally as valid in something happening to you or your DC and the others being left alone.

It must be awful sending your DC off to be with a man you know to be such a shit though, especially if you think he's doing it under sufferance. That must make for anxieties all by itself.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:25:48

Grammy Sorry about your mum. It's true that sweating the unchangeable is futile. I agree.

I lost my faith a long time ago. But thanks for words of wisdom. Religion does bring solace to lots of people re the unknown. That's how my mother coped with her disappointing like I think.She is the happiest woman I know and I wish I was like her.

I always look after myself though.I drink only on my birthday <boring> and I made a resolution to drink more red this year, eat healthy but need to exercise more I guess. That's all we can do really isn't it.

What a sad thread

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 03:46:11

Pudgy sad about your little brother. Thanks for the coping strategies.I do like to read usually self help junk and will have a try @ chick lit. That's a whole new world to explore. Glad it's helping you.

Agent I know what you mean. Yes but everything associated with him will not be missed. Not sure if that is the case though.It could be subconscious, who knows.

It is awful to know he doesn't measure up to what I consider to be satisfactory parenting but the dcs adore him and he is like a big child himself so they get along very well. Infact, my dds consider me to be the bad cop right now as I deal with all the reading, school stuff,uneaten homecooked healthy meals and descipline. I worked with children in my previous life and I understand children's dvt better than him. He provides all the fun (games and video games etc so the kids think he is the bees knees! I suppose the above doesn't help someone with anxiety I suppose.

anonymosity Sun 24-Feb-13 03:57:03

I had this too, a lot and especially when my DCs were still very tiny. I think it was aggravated by lack of sleep or rather, disrupted sleep and too much caffeine. I hope things improve for you, try to look after yourself as much as possible.

PariahHairy Sun 24-Feb-13 04:16:07

I think it's pretty normal to be terrified of death, I remember realising at quite a young age that basically everyone dies, I was quite pissed off hmm.

We all die. Face that fact now, you WILL die, it doesn't matter what you do to mitigate it, it doesn't matter how healthy you are, the absolute fact is that you will die and you are not in control of that in the slightest.

In your lifetime you will either die and leave people grieving you, or you will see everyone you love die, that is reality.

Totally no point in worrying about dying IMO, it's not in your control at all, live your life as you please.

I also think the long lived thing is genetic, mine isn't good sad

HollyBerryBush Sun 24-Feb-13 07:32:23

Have you never noticed, those cultures with faith, don't fear death? Death is a part of the life cycle, it's as normal as being born. People with faith know life on earth is a short part of their spiritual journey.

Then of course, now that we are immunised and have much smaller families, and the demographic movement of people; we no longer die of common childhood diseases,infant mortality is not a common place event, and we have break down of traditional communities, where we we would know everyone in our street and pop in when someone died. Death has ceased to be a common occurance.

It is rare to have bodies at home in the best parlour, with neighbours coming to pay their respects, we poke our dead off to funeral homes and our elderly into care homes.

It's all very clean and sanitised.

People don't see death like they used to, thus they fear it. Fear of the unknown.

Have you also noticed, when some one is ill and angry that they are terminal, they don't die. There seems to be a moment where the person has made their peace with the world, then they pass away a few days later? A spiritual like quality?

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 09:22:55

AgentZigzag is very perceptive about these things I think. I too am rather OCD, no diagnosis though. I get stuck in ruts when I am totally preoccupied with some thought or other. And I have felt these doomy death fears. I found that ADs like Prozac which are SSRIs really help when it gets bad. So it may be worth seeing the GP, also the CBT could help.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:36:57

Anonimous I am glad to hear it was a phase thats passed for you. I too am sleep deprived and I can see how this might be related. I have not always been a thanatophobic in the slightest

Pariah "I was quite pissed off" grin @ this. I was mortified! Is there a stronger word? But it was not something that was always at the back of mymind though. Only recently. It does make sense to come to terms with one's own motality. Sweating about this gets one nowhere but to any early grave [due to stress] I do try though to fill my days with as much joy as possible if only for my dcs sake. Even those with the longevity gene will die.No one lives forever. I know but I'm still scared.

Hollyberry You are right some cultures have managed to dymystify the whole rhetoric of death. People are not usually upfront about this subject and I believe talking about it a lot more and normalising it might help. But how to do that.
For me the fact we livelonger is no consolation.I know I know.I have soul searched a lot about this subject. I even want to believe in reincarnation but I can't. Also spiritual, cultural and religious beliefs e.t.c do not give me comfort. I wish I could be like those people who accept the situation as it is because ultimately,no-one has control of this. But then I knowpeople who have died bitter because they felt that their God had abandoned them.Funny you say that when people are angry they dont die because my dad only die moments when he said his peace with the priest after days of everyone thinking he wouldn't last the night.

Pessary I think I will try CBT. I have an acute fear of ADs though I have never tried them for fear of getting addicted. I probably have some form of OCD as evidenced by some very odd behaviours/thought patterns eg If I don't have my 5-a-day something terrible will happen to me in ten days time etc etc.
In the past I attributed these behaviours to being a total control freak but now I'm beginning to think otherwise.

aldiwhore Sun 24-Feb-13 14:50:27

I don't want to die. I am scared of dying. I am not ready to leave.

However, if I die, my children have had enough of my love to know it. They will grow up knowing love. They may struggle (and I'm very scared of both me and DH dying) and it will be hard, but I really feel like the memory of these few years of being will carry them through. Being brutally honest, what choice do I have? I'm not religious either, so have to find my own comfort about what happens next - which actually doesn't help matters. I envy those with faith but I have none! If the unknown is the scariest thing, then death becomes something to fear... BUT you can give yourself peace of mind that whatever happens beyond, and though you cannot control what happens to the living after you've gone, you CAN arm your loved ones with values and skills to give them the best chance.

My DH lost his mum, his dad has died inside (Alzheimer's) and he feels very much alone in the world apart from us... I admire him for his focus on what he can do, his life of creating his legacy... legacy and memory cannot be argued.

op in your fear of death you're not unusual, but I agree with other posters and you that your current fear is symptomatic of other factors and I wish you the best and hope you find some peace, a way of managing your life and thoughts so that you can live life to it's best potential.

My biggest fear right now is living without those loved ones I live for... this is taking slightly longer to find a solution for.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 15:09:56

Aldi You probably have eloquently articulated my fears. And like you I'm doing my best to arm my dcs with values and skills to give them a better chance as I do believe it's the quality of life you live not the quantity.

Alzheimer's dzz is a horrible horrible illness. I know a lady who has the same resolve like your DH's dad. It's people like these that inspire me. Because it could be worse. Right now I have no reason to have these feelings and I now realise this acute fear of death is not normal. But yes I can also now see the potential link with other areas of my life but hopefully its not the case. I just wish to be rational about this whole thing to be able to deal with my life as I have always done in the past without this added crippling dead weight. Aldi I also hope you will always be around those you love the most. Good luck to you too.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 15:20:54

I think Agent might well be right about it being a reaction to the lifting of stress after leaving your horrible ex. Almost like some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I went through a horrible, horrible time a few years ago when dd was misdiagnosed and I lived in fear of SS (who were lovely, actually, but I didn't know). I found I coped all right when the going was tough- because I had to- but then there came a time when the pressure lifted and everybody was supportive and it seemed like we could leave our worries behind. And that is when I found I suddenly couldn't work, I was obsessed with what had happened, I was having flashbacks. It passed in the end. Just gone through another tough patch, but not sure it will happen again; I think I have more coping techniques now.

CBT techniques were really useful for me.

Particularly the one where you visualise yourself going down a road and you come to a crossroad where one branch is signposted Stressful Thought (whatever you particular one may be) and you say to yourself loudly \\\\\8No, I don't have to go down that one*, I am going down the other road (which has something far more sensible sign-posted), and you visualise yourself actually turning the other way.

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 15:44:23

Cory How utterly awfully about the misdiagnosis. I'm glad that things turned out well for you and your dd in the end.That technique sounds great. Consider it stolen by me from now.

Agent's diagnosis gave me substancial food for thought. I never really thought these fears might just be a symptom rather than a cause. But it could be. Yes PSTD might be accountable for this and it probably won't be to do with this ex but another ex who was even more abusive than the one just gone. Thank God no kids were involved then! This thread has opened up a whole can of worms for me! A lot to think about. A lot to consider.

And I have never been one person to admit ever needing help, esp with emotiona/psychological/spiritual issues before. But I'm definitely trying CBT!
Thanks everyone

Dryjuice25 Sun 24-Feb-13 15:45:05


PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:43

Dry don't be sacred of SSRI ADs, both myself and my DD have been on them. I think we have genetic weakness here, but I am not on them permanently. I think that serotonin deficiency is like diabetes, its a physical thing. You may be making your life unnecessarily difficult.

LaQueen Sun 24-Feb-13 16:46:02

I think everyone has these fears from time to time.

It absolutely breaks me inside, that one day I will die and then won't ever see my DDs again sad

But, on the other hand, in a weirdy way I will be with them, because they're carrying 50% of my DNA smile

I also predict that by the time I die (hopefully, at the ripe old age of 97, and still spry), a lot of the people I really care about might well already have died, so there will be a lot fewer reasons to want to carrying on alive, if that makes sense?

If DH died before me (which is likely, as no one in his family seem to live past 70, whereas my family are all long lived) then death really wouldn't seem so daunting? Without him, I'd just an empty shell, just going through the motions for the sake of my DDs - the real me, the best of me, would have died with him.

And, I assume I will feel very, very tired, and the thought of carrying on another umpteen years might well seem very daunting, and exhausting?

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:55:09

Yes LaQueen, my dear old Dad was like this, he could have done without the last couple of years before he had a pulmonary embolism due to him deliberately stopping the warferin. Does this count as suicide I wonder?

LaQueen Sun 24-Feb-13 17:03:42

PP I have it all planed out. If DH goes before me, and I'm getting very frail, and needing too much care (and in danger of losing my personal dignity) then I will most certainly commit suicide, without a doubt.

I will write a long letter explaining myself to my DDs, and telling them how much I love them, but that it's time for me to go, and that I'm going with a contended heart and with a million happy memories smile

Then I'll pay a taxi to drive me up to The Lakes, to where DH first proposed to me, by Ullswater. I'll drink a toast to us both, reflect a while - and then do the necessary. Job done.

I couldn't bear to be stuck in a nursing home, needing someone to toilet me sad That would a living death for someone like me.

Chiggers Sun 24-Feb-13 18:52:32

Would it help to think of death as a transition stage, your soul/spirit/essence goes through, between this life and the next? I guess this stage in life is the bit where your soul/spirit/essence is being prepared for the next life you take on.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:12:10

LaQueen, I totally agree with your idea. I would do similar.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 22:41:17

My MIL used to say something similar LaQueen, in the days when she was still fit and healthy. She is now widowed and paralysed in a nursing home with incurable cancer and is showing no signs of wanting to die.

I don't think it's because she's afraid of death as such: nothing of the coward about MIL. I think she is still finding life too interesting grin

Which was probably hard to foresee when she was in a totally different situation. So I am making no predictions about how I will feel if I ever get there.

serin Sun 24-Feb-13 23:02:24

For those of you planning on committing suicide please don't do it somewhere public. My teenage friend stumbled across a corpse whilst walking her dog and it took her a very long time to recover. sad

Dryjuice, the low motivation and fear/anxiety can be symptoms of post natal depression, I hope you do seek advice from your GP

SigmundFraude Sun 24-Feb-13 23:18:25

I used to be very afraid of death, it's hard to imagine. Fear of the unknown plays a part too. You can sort of console yourself by knowing that every single one of us will die, every person alive on the earth will die. The thing that bothers me a little, I suppose, is that (usually) it's something that you will do alone, no-one will be going on that final journey with you.

I have two thoughts about what will happen when I die, and I flit from one to the other, depending on my mood. One is that I will rejoin loved ones. The other is that I will just drift into unconsciousness, like switching off a light, gone. I'm happy with either of those two. I try to believe in God, I pray sometimes and I was confirmed later in life (than usual), but something tells me that the light switch scenario is more likely.

The thing that always makes me sad is the loss of experience. I was watching a program about a brain surgeon the other day. He was describing what he needed to do to perform a successful operation. I was struck by how dedicated and how talented he was, all that knowledge packed inside his head enabled him to save countless lives. Then I thought about how sad it would be when he dies, because he will take all of that knowledge and experience with him. Then again, he probably trains others to do the same job smile.

SigmundFraude Sun 24-Feb-13 23:24:14

Sorry, I didn't answer the OP really. It's normal to have recurring thoughts, but if they are troubling you then you should perhaps discuss this with a sympathetic doctor. I had recurring thoughts (connected to anxiety) than I was somehow going to hurt my newborn. I would take him out in his pram an have images of me pushing him into the road.

In the end I went to see the doctor, he told me that these kind of recurring thoughts were common, particularly if you're feeling anxious.

My advice, go and see a doctor, explain to him how you feel and go from there.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:28:47

Laqueen I hope it never ever comes to that for you. Suicide is a horrible thought for me. My dear Aunt killed herself, left 7 kids utteryl broken and the suicide letter saved no purpose.They are still broken up about her death years on. I wish you longevity and may you live to 100 or more smile

Chiggers I hope so too. That actually sounds quite intriguing/hopeful. If there was certainty about what happens next, most of us wouldn't be this scared.Its the mystery surrounding the whole business that mortify people like me.

cory Mon 25-Feb-13 00:36:03

Can I just echo serin's request never to commit suicide where someone might come upon you unawares? It happened to a friend of mine, tipped her into longterm mental health problems which she took years to recover from.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:59:11

Cory grin Bless your MIL. I'm glad she is happy to continue
in her interesting old age.I think the answer is to just enjoy it as it lasts. But its not that simple is it, for most people? Life gets in the way! I wish it was the same for all old age pensioners.

Serin Yes my health visitor diagnosed a mild form of this and I think I am better now.I'm no longer as anxious as I was the first few weeks of my ds's birth. Beforehand, Iwas literary checking baby was breathing every 5 min! I couldn't relax but that's not the case now though I might have residual PND not helped by the fact that I'm not 100% satisfied with my life/career at the moment. So, yes I am vigilant as far a potential relapse is concerned. No medical intervention was given as I chose to bf ds.

Sigmund Thanks for both your posts.The first one is quite poignant for me because it describes the dark thoughts I have and the grim places these thought propel me to and the doom/helplessness they conjure up for me.I hate it. Hate it. Hate it!
How terrible to have those troubling images about your baby. Anxiety can be quite nasty! Most people don't realise this I think. I went into overprotective mode but I think that was exacerbated by the fact that ds snored and I wasn't comfortable with his breathing but now I'm used to his breathing it's fine.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 01:02:49

Serin How awful for your teenage friend. Not nice at all. My brother discovered my Auntwhen she committed suicide. I haven't really thought to ask how that has affected him. He was 19 at that time.

Tweedledeedum Mon 25-Feb-13 01:20:26

I get this too, often no warning or reason, just a horrible scenario or thought pops into my head and I have to try to think of something else nice quickly. Usually it involves someone i love dearly.

After my Mum died a year and a half ago of cancer I started to wonder what the point of our lives is, all her things just left behind, all so important to her but not to anyone else, life carrying on for everyone else, why do we gather all these possessions, invest so much time in things that don't matter etc when we will die. I sometimes wonder how I will die, an old lady in my bed or will something intervene.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 02:53:12

Tweedledeedum My Gosh are you me? Sorry about your mum.

Sounds like the few people who have posted about having these dark thoughts do have the same kind of fears which follow the same pattern. You are spot on about worldly possessions.That's why my motivation levels have recently become so low but unfortunately I have to carry on because ofmy dcs. And I also despair why people are nasty to each other when life is so short! Also about how people work so hard to accumulate wealth and then just die and leave it. All of this to me feelslike a chasing after the wind. Pointless. Futile. I was watching some documentary the other day about people being buried with their gold bullion and I felt really,really sad. It summed up the human condition for me. Very sad.

Call me a utopian but in an ideal world people wouldn't go to bed hungry or drink dirty water whilst the richest people are swimming in it yet we're all commonly denominated by death.WTF?

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 02:55:04

all this to me feels like chasing after the wind*

Sugarice Mon 25-Feb-13 07:05:35

I'm 44 and a few years ago I had gynae problems, I was convinced it was cancer and was going to die, I'm a serial over reactor but developed health anxiety.

Since then I've had a hysterectomy [ not due to cancer] but I think about dying frequently, of a heart attack for some reason!, often in the middle of the night, and the dreadful scenario my dh and ds's would have to cope with.

I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'.

I'm very optimistic normally but it's night time when I get my dark thoughts, especially after I've watched something emotional on the tv.

minouminou Mon 25-Feb-13 10:23:07

Yesterday I taught my six-year-old how to warm a cup of milk in the microwave. As we were watching it go round, I imagined him thirty or forty years hence, after I've shuffled off, making himself a warm, nourishing drink, because I've taught him how.
All you can do is equip them as best you can to face the world without you. Do it right and they won't physically need you.

Pigsmummy Mon 25-Feb-13 10:32:18

I thought that it was me!
Just before I had my baby a lady my age died in child birth, I didn't know her but it really affected me, I wrote my husband a letter just in case and since I have had daughter (4 months) I get hit with a terrible panic, I have plans and have life insurance etc but my husband can't get it due to a life threatening illness, I am terrified that we will leave our daughter an orphan. Is this normal?
I am not depressed, really happy and loving maternity leave.

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 12:08:06

Pigsmummy I have 3 dcs and when I had the first two, dying during childbirth never crossed my mind. On the last one, I did have worries that it might happen due to my age. It's sad when a mother dies like that.My mums friend died in another country because the baby was breech! sad It makes me really thank God that we have the NHS. Glad you're enjoying maternity. Shame about the lady you mentioned.I think I would have been affected by this too in a big way.
Minouminou Now you're dd will never need you to warm her milk again! When I had my last, due to death worries,I realised I had been spoiling my dds aged 7 and 5 in a big way. They didn't know how to brush their teeth because I thought they wouldn't do it properly. I suddenly realised what would happen if something happpened to me. Now they warm their own milk, do their own teeth, learning to bathe themselves. My eldest has now learned how to safely chop vegetables! Whereas beforehand, they did nothing at all apart from tiding up their toys. That was very irresponsible of me and inadvertently harmful to them! I am proud of myself for relaxing and allowing them to participate in small ways and this takes pressure off me too.
Sugarice You're not going to die during the night!
I too do overeact and prone to panicking eg Instead of seeing myself as a young 34 yo, I think in terms of being half of 68, therefore not having much time left.confused Ridiculous I know. But when I'm caught up in this stream of consciousness, I can't help it. I am usually very optimistic apart from this and a few other things

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 12:09:38

Now your dd*

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 14:19:09

I feel a bit of a wimp saying this, but the thought of death doesn't worry me as much as someone breaking into my house and hurting my Dc's or sometimes my work going badly sends me into a tail spin.

How irrational is that?

Dryjuice25 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:48:04

Bobyan Do you think your fear is caused by an underlying issues (eg been burgled before or scared of the economic situation etc) or is it just irrational?

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 15:54:07

Probably a bit of both, I have been burgled and they came into my room and my job is full on and stressful. But both these scenarios are realistically unlikely, where as death is inevitable and I can accept it. Interestingly I had to come off the pill as it was giving me anxiety / heart palpitations, so I do wonder if my hormones are involved!

AgentZigzag Mon 25-Feb-13 16:20:54

'I wake up each morning and think ' I'm still here'. I do pray and always say ' just let me keep going til the boys have grown up, have a job and have a partner and look after dh.'

Thankfully I don't wake up thinking this (although I wonder if you've been thinking about it in your sleep because it worries you so much? I wake up with the answer to obscure problems sometimes, which can be helpful grin), but it is kind of how I've come to terms with stuff.

If I'm struggling and having a crap time I think 'Well, I'm not here for that much longer' and the finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on, and if I'm OK I'm just glad of the extra time and see it as a bonus because I could have died yonks ago and not had the pleasure of meeting DH/DDs.

I've always been a bit morbid, which is not always a bad thing, the darker side of life can be quite fascinating in some ways (if you think of how authors/film makers can spin it to make it into entertainment) but it's when it intrudes into your life so much it's frightening you that you maybe need someone who can give you their professional help.

I had CBT nearly 20 years ago (shock where did the time go??) and found it really helpful and still use some of what I learned.

AgentZigzag Mon 25-Feb-13 16:28:31

Thinking again about what I've just written, I seem to have set up two default responses to the fears I have, one for when I'm OK and one for when shit's piling up.

Is there anything you can think of which kind of calms the storm a bit when you're thinking about stuff flojo? Maybe you could think about whatever it is a bit more deeply and expand anything you come up with to set up something you could go back to if you felt more worried than normal?

Dryjuice25 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:41:25

Agent "....finiteness makes it a bit easier to get on "

For me that seems to be the root cause of my problems. The idea that the end could be nigh any moment no matter what plans you have e.t.c is the bit that I find difficult to reconcile. I wish I can look at it from your perspective.

And the darker side of life really is scary. Not knowing the hidden mysteries surrounding death is the worst thing for me let alone the physical act of death. But then on the other hand I hope it will be a lovely surprise for us mortals. Years ago, I read Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot and I've been feeling a lot more like the main characters lately. Futility. Death. Purpose of Life? Existentialism. Me? God. ETC. Unfortunately these questions ARE much much bigger than little me.

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