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to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

(282 Posts)
alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:35:36

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

Sugarice Sat 23-Feb-13 12:38:26

Yes it was a terrible way to behave as you already know.

Why on earth wouldn't he want to see them?

chinam Sat 23-Feb-13 12:41:51

This man child needs to grow up.YANBU

HollyBerryBush Sat 23-Feb-13 12:42:00

That's quite bizarre, ostrich like even.

Your children are going to grow up without knowing their half siblings or having any realationship with them. Do his parents maintain contact with their grandchildren?

Indeed, are the grandparents young enough to be able to cope with the children staying with them for weekends? That could be a solution, although a poor one, to establishing family relationships between all the children.

I have to say, your DH does seem to be a bit of a poor excuse for a father. Sorry.

oldraver Sat 23-Feb-13 12:44:07

What a horrible man, lets hope he doesn't do the same to your children if you were to split up (sorry not wishing that on you)

I think it says a lot about a man how he treats his non resident children IMO

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 23-Feb-13 12:46:19

I think it says a lot about a man how he treats his non resident children IMO

This.

HWBVU to ignore his children & to generally make so little effort to see them. Poor kids. I wouldn't blame you for having no respect for him whatsoever.

Jalopeno Sat 23-Feb-13 12:46:45

50 miles is not that far away really and a poor excuse for not seeing his children. I could not condone that sort of behaviour.

Sugarice Sat 23-Feb-13 12:48:13

How do you propose to get him to resolve this, how old are the dc's?

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 23-Feb-13 12:48:53

If he wants to see his kids there's always a way. Shifts and distance is no excuse.
Ds's dad lives 60 miles away, they always manage to meet up and speak to each other on the phone nearly every day.
He hid from them? Really?
He really does sound like a poor excuse for a father.

Horrible of him I'm afraid, and more than a bit weird.
How old are the DC and when did he last see them?

50 miles is nothing, and if anything he should have jumped at the opportunity to see his DC - why on earth didn't he go over to his ex FiL and say hello are the kids with you? Can imagine the ExDW posting on here "My DF saw the DCs dad at the pool and he actually hid - WIBU to cut him out of their lives?"

Why on earth would they want to come live with him if he makes no effort to see them? Definitely well done on you for trying to get him to sort it out, but bloody hell, he's being a crap dad and it's his responsibility to resolve it.

I'm sorry to say it, but at least you have fair warning of how he'll behave if you were ever to split. sad for all concerned.

deemented Sat 23-Feb-13 12:52:49

That is disgusting. His poor kids.

He need to man up and grow a pair. How can he father one lot of children but not another?

I'd be having very serious words with him.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 23-Feb-13 12:55:48

What a pisspoor excuse for a father,

I would leave someone over behaviour like that but if you do then you now know he's going to do the same to your kids.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:56:28

No his parents don't have contact. They'd be willing to help but couldn't manage every other weekend. Children are 4 and 5. He says he wants to see them but I think he thinks one day his ex will just let him without court/the children will want to live here. He gets very stressed by his ex and yes, she is hard work and not nice or easy to deal with but IMO he needs to get over his own feelings, realise he'll never have a relationship with the children without her involvement and get on with sorting it out before it's too late.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 13:00:09

Not defending him as I don't understand why he hasn't done anything but he isn't using distance as an excuse - he had no problem travelling but couldn't have them alternate weekends as she demanded.

chinam Sat 23-Feb-13 13:01:34

Of course the children won't want to live with him. Why would they want to live with someone who clearly never did anything for them. What kind of deluded fantasy land is he living in. Sorry but this guy is making me angry

Lafaminute Sat 23-Feb-13 13:03:09

DH lives a 2.5 hour drive from sd, her mother insisted that he could ONLY see her if he would take her every other weekend. He is self employed and weekends would be his busiest time, she would not entertain once a month and during holidays. that also ended up with him not seeing her at all - he tried doing every other w'end just to keep the peace but 5 hours minimum every other Friday and Sunday was unsustainable. He ended up similar to your dh in not seeing her at all. Her mother ran away (with dsd) whenever he called or tried to see her. Ultimately his pov was that it was so upsetting for dsd and him whenever he did call that it was best avoided and to some extent he also adopted the ostrich approach. I don't think it makes him an awful father - just someone who would rather not deal with the trickier aspects of a complicated life. He needs help and support to get a relationship established with his kids again - 50 miles is less than an hour - it should be do-able if the dsc's mother is amenable.

HollyBerryBush Sat 23-Feb-13 13:03:17

The longer he leaves it, the harder it will be. 16 months at age 4 and 5 - they won't even remember him. That's really sad sad

I presume he does financially contribute to their up keep?

oldraver Sat 23-Feb-13 13:21:01

Does he actually think his children he potentially hasnt seen/bothered about for years are going to get to 16 and want to live with him ?. If he is lucky he will have to work very hard on resurrecting any kind of relationship with him.

I understand some ex's can make things difficult, but he has to work round this.

All his children will feel at the moment is that he has abandoned them. I havn't seen my father for over 40 years (apart from at my GM's funeral where he couldn't bring himself to speak to me). I give not one jot, and would not have this person in my life... yes for many years as a child I craved his attention, by the time I was a teen I didnt give a stuff

balia Sat 23-Feb-13 13:31:24

I think it is easy to judge if you've never been in that position, though. I assume OP and her DP don't have £1000's to pursue a court case and even if they did, it doesn't sound like the ex is going to be helpful.

I'd suggest fnf for some advice. Use this incident as a catalyst to have a frank discussion about how much his children need him and work out what contact you could offer. If he can go to court with some ideas of reasonable child-centred contact he is unlikely to lose. Also, you should get him to suggest mediation to try and sort out the issues.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 13:37:18

You've posted about this before.

Has he got round to asking about a shift pattern that fits with his childcare commitments? On your last thread he'd never asked.

Be careful, if your relationship breaks down, he'll put in fuck all effort with your DDs too, or do you think some how the DC he has with you are more special? The man is behaving like a bad father, this isn't his ex's fault, he's making no effort. He's not putting his DCs first. Having a chance to spend the afternoon with them, or at least talk to them today and he hid instead? What a wanker. He doesn't want to see them, he's just telling you what he thinks he should be saying.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 23-Feb-13 13:38:36

I suspect that he's going to have some difficult questions to answer if the children come looking for him in a few years time and I'm not sure they'll be satisfied with the answers.

not having 1000's for a court case is the least of their worries. dealing with the awkwardness of seeing ex in laws was too much for this 'father' to do in order to see his own children.

can you imagine not having seen your own child for ages and finding out they were in the same building as you? and his response was to want to leave?

this isn't about money or an obstinate ex - he won't even make the effort and man up when they're in the same building let alone sort things out on a bigger scale.

and can you imagine your dad turning round to you and saying i'm sorry i didn't see you through your childhood but it's not my fault, it was my shift patterns - they just didn't fit?

it's baffling how little people can prioritise their own children.

He his from his own children?!?! WTAF?! angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry

As the child of a father who didn't bother to contact me for a year after he ran off with his secretary (to "give me time to get over it" hmm) and hasn't bothered much since, I am incensed for his poor children. He is thinking only of himself and his feelings, and the number one rule of parenting is that when it truly comes down to it, your kids come first and you just have to suck up your own discomfort.

Sorry, he hid from his own children, not his

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 13:59:16

what shit excuse for a father. those poor children. all of them, yours and the ones he has with ex wife. they all deserve so much better. i'd be having serious words if i were you.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 13:59:34

You all think the hiding part is worst but realistically - what if we had bumped into them and they'd been reminded of him only for him to still make no effort to arrange contact? That'd be worse in my opinion. He thinks they'll be choose him when they're 10/11. Lafaminute - that's precisely how he's looking at it. He also uses the no money for a court case excuse but realistically he could self represent and getting any contact would be an improvement on none.

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 14:02:44

no i dont think hiding is the worst part. but it will have been the most shockingly hurtful part for his children if they did see him (does he even know if they did?)

does he have any contact at all with them now? even on the phone?

WTAF does he think they'll choose him later when they will have no idea who he is?!?! confused

You're right in that it might have been worse if they'd seen him and then been hurt when he made no effort afterwards, but if he was making any fucking effort in the first place that wouldn't be an issue, would it?!?!

I may need to hide this thread, it's too personal to me (and this is 25 years later!) and upsetting me too much.

Gaaaah, I just can't leave it alone. How on gods green earth can anyone just not be bothered to see their own children?

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:13:17

My dh does an 80 mile commute every single day and still has the energy to interact with his children at the end of the day. I have plenty of students who travel that far every week to attend a single lecture.

Using a 50 mile distance as an excuse not to see your own children is beyond pathetic. Particularly if you are happy to travel 60 miles to go ice skating. hmm

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 14:14:00

No none, not even birthday cards. Not sure if the children were there or saw him - assumed ex FIL would be with them as it's a children's venue and no other grandchildren.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 14:15:40

Again, distance isn't the reason as I've already stated.

pigletmania Sat 23-Feb-13 14:18:02

That is appealing behaviour from your partner. I would be careful he does not do the same thing to you

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 14:20:12

he's a fucking ballbag.

aren't you worried/pissed off that the only reason he bothers with your children is that they are conveniently located in the house that he lives?

the reasons (whatever you say about the ex not doing it 'his' way) are that he does not see his children as his priority. they don't govern what work he does, where he lives, what he does with his time or how far he is willing to drive. because he just doesn't give enough of a shit about them to be a parent.

parenting isn't easy. it involves lots of sacrifices and doing lots of things you'd rather not do. for me it means living somewhere i don't really want to live for example because it's the best place for my ds.

you know the real reason is just him and his choices and them not being important enough to him to actually do anything about or for. and his small little self would rather hide or run away than face the reality of their little faces.

i know you will think we're being harsh on him and you need to think that seeing as you live with this man and have had a child with him but everything else is just excuses. it is how it is because he's happy to let it be like that. his kids just aren't that important to him.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:35:17

How is distance not an issue, OP? Just because he couldn't always have them at weekends, why couldn't he drive up there and back and have a cup of tea with them or go to a school play or something? How come he is not spending his leisure time organising his court case and sorting things out? Is he writing to them? Emailing them? Doing anything at bloody all?

My 12yo is putting more effort into cheering his elderly gran in her nursing home at the other end of the country than this man is putting into his own children.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:38:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Losingexcessweight Sat 23-Feb-13 14:40:21

Op is there more to this story? You say his ex is hard work and difficult with compromise over contact. So he may want to move on, see the kids when they are older?

Whats the point in having a miserable life because of an ex?

Sometimes its best to see the kids when they are older without their mothers input.

I understand why your dp hid. He didnt want the kids to notice him, get upset as contact is unstable etc and making himself known at the swimming pool would of confused and upset them

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Feb-13 14:41:12

Why would they choose a stranger?

Sugarice Sat 23-Feb-13 14:43:08

I take it he knows how much your respect for him diminished as he hid and scurried from his ex FiL and dc's at the venue?.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sat 23-Feb-13 14:47:57

sad shock angry That's dreadful, dreadful of him. I would really worry about how he'd treat your kids if you split. And OMG I hope neither DSC spotted him trying to hide from them.

pinkyredrose Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:20

Sorry but to me 'burying his head in the sand' equates to 'not bothered if he sees his children or not.

If he's got time to go ice skating he's got time to 'phone them/go and see them.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairPhyllis Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:43

Hang on OP, have told/are you planning to tell the child you have together that they have half-siblings? Or is he planning to keep that a secret so your child never wonders why they don't see their sibs?

thegreylady Sat 23-Feb-13 14:51:01

Oh what a weak nasty man he sounds.No one is going to choose him over a loving mother and grand parents.
There is no excuse for any of his behaviour from not 'managing' alternate weekends through no birthday cards to actually hiding from them.Why on earth would you want to be with such an excuse for a father.It takes a lot to get me furious on here but he has managed it!
angry angry angry

If my dh treated my dsc like that I would be kicking his ass out the door, I couldn't love or respect a man that treats his own children like that. You know that could be your kids being on the receiving end of that behavior one day right?

Does the useless tosser at least contribute financially?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:53:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner Sat 23-Feb-13 14:57:05

My DCs bumped into their father once, having a beach party, when he told them he was at work so couldn't see them. <mind boggling>

They see more of his parents.

Sounds like your DP and my ExH are in the same 'Can't be arsed to look at my role in any of this' place. Hiding from guilt. Hiding from responsibility. Hiding from effort.

elastamum Sat 23-Feb-13 14:58:31

The poor children. The truth is their father has then so far down his list of priorities that he cant be bothered to do anything about seeing them sad

That tells so much about the kind of man he really is

LineRunner Sat 23-Feb-13 15:00:18

Oh, and children need stability and routine and predictability, so the ExW asking for regularity of contact was I think being reasonable.

Your DP wanting ad hoc arrangements plays havoc with the DCs' lives especially as they get older and have clubs, friends, invites, sports etc.

My ExH actually forced me and the DCs through the stress of court to try to get an ad hoc order and was told to get real.

ChasedByBees Sat 23-Feb-13 15:05:35

Have you ever tried to tell him that of course his children won't want to move I with a stranger?

zoobaby Sat 23-Feb-13 15:05:46

I'd be tempted to suspect that he knows just how he'd be received by the kids (I'm going for potentially awkward indifference if they haven't seen him for ages).

What, with not wanting to accept that he's being a crap dad and all, isn't it just better that he tells himself and others that he'd do things oh-so-differently if only he had more money, or if work was easier to arrange, or the ex was nicer and more accommodating, or it wasn't so far to travel.

I'd also guess that his ex-wife has his exact measure and that's probably why she insisted on alternate weekends or none at all.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 15:07:49

Honestly, if he'd even explored the possibility of having every other weekend off work (and therefore agreeing to work every other weekend in between rather than 6 on 6 off) or put in any sort of flexible working request with a garenteed set days off in the week (if weekend access isnt an option) or made any attempt to change his life to accomodate his DCs, I'd have a little sympathy, but he's just not trying - if he cared about them, if he loved them, he'd at the very least ask the question.

How can you be happy to be with this man?

my ds has never met his father. he is nearly 6 now. i've dealt with the questions sensitively and gently and tried to explain life is complicated and etc etc but despite my nicely cushioned ways of saying and explaining things in his mind he knows his dad is a selfish bad man sad

there's nothing i can say to counter it realistically. he has a loving mother, grandparents (on my side obviously) and aunt and cousins and he knows and sees how family works and how people support each other, put up with each other, pull together even when they do each others heads in, put children first etc. and he has to contrast that the concept of a man who has never bothered to see him. it doesn't matter how many times i explain that life is complicated and sometimes people can't face things or decide to go on with their life and not deal with something etc etc etc - he KNOWS and he's not wrong to be fair that his dad must be a selfish twat who doesn't care about him.

i used to worry that one day ds would find him and he'd say it's all your mum's fault and she's x, y and z so i couldn't see you but with help from friends i realised my son won't be that stupid - he's seen and experienced love and family and commitment and doing the right thing and he is being and will be raised with ethics and morals and valuing of courage and integrity. some pathetic lies and excuses will not cut it with the man i intend to raise.

all will be ok but do you have any idea how sad it is for a child to be stripped of the illusion that parents are good and loving and put their kids first and people are good more widely at such an early age?

all because of a selfish 'man' who would rather bury his head in the sand than face reality?

those children bear the weight of his crapness.

mynewpassion Sat 23-Feb-13 15:12:46

Why should your DP be afraid to have his children live with him? Have you ever asked him? Does he not care about his children at all?

Bottom line is that your DP is a horrible excuse for a father. Hiding from his children at the place and for the last 16 months, hiding from them. He uses his ex as a excuse to not see his children. He could have formalised or worked out a contact arrangement but didn't.

I already feel sorry for the DD that you have together.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 15:13:16

If my DP treated his DC's like that, i'd read the twat the riot act, one thing i cannot stand is parents, who think their DC's can ignored or loved whenever they please.

My exP works weekends sometimes, but actually does get time so he can DD over night, he doesnt see her as much as i'd like, but its fine for now.

He needs to get over his feelings, hes a parent thats what happens, i had to hand my DD over to exP's new girlfriend once, it felt so weird, but i smiled and got on with it, because my DD comes before i do.

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 15:17:34

i hope OP is showing her DP this thread and that they're talking about what steps he needs to take to do right by his dcs <doubtful>

and step back and try to imagine what it would take for you not to see your own children. work? new boyfriend? fifty miles in the 21st century? a bit of embarrassment?

presumably he believes children are a mother's responsibility and men only have to take any part of that if they are serviced sexually and domestically by their mother or if that fails only if their mother cooperates entirely with how/when/where they want to see those children.

does parenthood work like that? because i'd imagine it would be really handy only having to see your kids on an ad hoc basis when you felt you could fit them in but sadly - as his ex will know - it doesn't work like that!

OptimisticPessimist Sat 23-Feb-13 15:20:19

Those poor children sad my XP moved away to live with someone else about 21 months ago, and I know my DS1 finds it hard to understand why he doesn't see his dad any more yet his dad plays happy families with his new step children. My younger 2 who are 3.5 and 5.5 don't remember their dad. The way your DP is behaving is unacceptable, 50 miles is no distance at all and the excuses about shifts etc are just that. His ex was not being unreasonable to request a regular schedule of contact and if your DP had his DCs best interests in mind he would be doing all he could to facilitate that. Men like your DP and my XP make me sick in all honesty. His kids aren't going to suddenly decide to live with him in a few years' time, why on earth would they?!

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 15:20:36

He doesn't even send birthday cards? sad Presumably these children also have no relationship with their sibling, your child?

A big part of my respect and admiration for my husband comes from how he treats others. I think I would feel my love for him ebbing away if he behaved like your dh op.

I'd be having quite strong words and making some ultimatums before my own relationship with him fell apart.

Fwiw I think you sound very sensible. May I ask if there is any reason you cannot help look after the children every other weekend during the day when your partner is at work?

i'm about to explain to my son that i can't see him for the next few weeks because i'm really busy at work sadly and will be fifty miles away but not to worry i have a little house elf who'll a) take care of him for me and b) i'll get to blame said house elf for not letting me see my child. in the meantime though i'll be living in a house with another house elf and her child and the new child i've reproduced and managing to find time to love and be with them.

i'm sure ds will understand won't he? hmm

OptimisticPessimist Sat 23-Feb-13 15:21:35

presumably he believes children are a mother's responsibility and men only have to take any part of that if they are serviced sexually and domestically by their mother or if that fails only if their mother cooperates entirely with how/when/where they want to see those children.

This describes exactly how my XP sees parenting. It's very sad really, for the children especially but also for him too.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 15:22:55

This was my niece's father. Couldn't be arsed, drifted away, happy to forget about her. She will never have anything to do with him again. Ever. She will blank him if she meets him in the street.

Alligatorpie Sat 23-Feb-13 15:23:49

What a very sad story. I feel for those poor children, why does he think they will want to come and live with him one day? They dont even know him.

LineRunner Sat 23-Feb-13 15:26:20

OP You are a much better person than your DP to see that his attitude isn't something you should be defending or protecting.

optimisticpessimist - my ds' father wanted to be with me and was delighted i found out i was pregnant after i'd already told him there was no way we could be together because he thought that was me landed and we'd have to get married, him move in my apartment etc. when he finally got that it didn't change how i felt about him and this was about being a dad not getting a mainline in my jugular he disappeared.

i remember laughing at my mother when she said 'men only care about children through their wanting the mother'. in this case she was entirely right but i hope to god that isn't a general rule or i really would give up on men. i know it's not a general rule as i've known the odd man go through hell and back to stay in contact with his children.

it is so sad for the children. not really because losing men like this is any real loss to them but having to face people can be so utterly selfish, dysfunctional and unevolved should really come later in life.

OptimisticPessimist Sat 23-Feb-13 15:35:31

I remember not long before XP moved away we were having an argument about him having the kids (I worked when he had them) and he said something about them not being his problem any more because we weren't together. He honestly believed his responsibility ended when we split, and that all he has now are rights.

You're right that it's no real loss to them, in fact in hindsight it has been far better for all four of us, but the hurt it has caused DS1 is heartbreaking. I'll never forgive him for it, and sadly I think DS1 will be hovering for crumbs of his affection for many years to come. The younger two are far better off.

mumandboys123 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:53:20

my ex does this....and has countless women prepared to stand by him whilst he does it. There's a back story in our case and likely there is more to it in your case. In our case, it's a back story that any sensible man wouldn't want the new girlfriend to know about (long affair, left me pregnant, accused me of rape, slammed a car door into my 19 week pregnant stomach, physical abuse, tried to take the children....). Seriously, you need to take a step back, deep breath and look at the whole picture. Is this the man you want to be with? What does it say about him and his priorities? Are you happy to be with a man who is willing to ignore his children? What does it say about you if you are? Are you happy to be that woman? If change is needed, what change? Is the change you require possible? What are your limits and timescales?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 16:00:37

The thinking they'll eventually come to him is a load of bollocks. Take it from someone who's " father" is exactly like this cunt, he doesn't give a shit about those kids and deep down you know it.
I guarantee that he will treat your children exactly the same if you ever split. My father is now playing the perfect dad/ grandad role with partner number 4 but couldn't care less about me or the 4 other kids of various partners he's had over the years.
I'm aware this post makes me sound angry and bitter but honestly I'm not, I didn't miss out at all not having him in my life. I just can't for the life of me understand why and woman in their right man would be with a a spineless little man like this

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 16:02:25

*mind not man

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 23-Feb-13 16:08:11

Wow Op I'm sorry for you that you are with such an irresponsible man child.

It's not as if you could have read the signals, as he was ok for contact when you first got together.

I can't get past the fact that you both drove 50 odd miles presumably in the direction of his kids and not only did he not try to contact them in advance, but he hid when he saw his exFIL.

I don't think there is much you can do. Sure you can encourage him to make contact, but really the fact that his default action is to hide rather than try to see his own children shows what type of a person he is deep down. I wouldn't want to be with such a man.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 16:28:44

OP, I think the reason you posted this was because you know this story shows something terribly wrong in how your DH handled the situation.

I could tell you that this man is not worthy to be your children's dad but let me tell you a positive story instead.

When I met my ex, he had a daughter he didn't see. His girlfriends before me had been very anxious about his relationship with his daughter and ex-wife. Like a fool, he was weak and let contact with his daughter slip because he got incredibly anxious about the whole thing. His anxiety became so bad about it that he convinced himself he was doing the right thing to leave his daughter alone.

I found it hard to reconcile the kind man I liked a lot with this idiot who would sacrifice a relationship with his child for any reason. I supported him in contacting his ex-wife (he was scared) and told him that even when his daughter wasn't keen on seeing him that he had to man up and let her get used to him again. It wasn't my responsibility but I knew that if our relationship was to have any chance, I had to feel that this was a terrible mistake in his behaviour rather than his character.

He did stick with contact once given a second chance and was able to build a strong relationship with his daughter (and ex-wife). We are no longer together but still friendly and he tells me that was the turning point of his life. He is a great dad who has never let his daughter down in such a sad way again.

Sixteen months is a long time but your DP can still turn it around. But he needs to stop making excuses. My own dad missed out on my childhood and although we do have a relationship now, it is flawed by the underlying knowledge on my part that I was never enough for him. His children were never number one for him. It is in no way comparable to the amazing relationship I have with the parent who did stick around.

as much as it is sad to hear from people whose fathers let them down i have to say it is really interesting for me and mostly reassuring that the adults they now are are able to see their actions for what they were.

for ages i harboured this fear that my son would blame me and take it out on me that his father didn't want to see him. i have even kept emails that show me trying to keep the door open and him flatly refusing.

i hope everyone knows this is about these fathers not about them. it's not that 'you' weren't enough but that they weren't enough. i really, really hope my son will know that.

lunar1 Sat 23-Feb-13 16:37:41

Op this must be horrible for you, im guessing part of the reason this is so upsetting for you is that if he could do it to his first children then he could also do it to yours.

My dad did this to me and went off to play happy families with his new step daughter. It really damaged me and my DB for many years. Sadly for his first children i dont think there is anything you can do to help them, men like this dont change. I think you need to look at ways to protect your children, do you even want to be with a man who can do this?

you must be a lovely person for caring more for your step children than their dad does. i guess you have to keep encouraging him to maintain contact while at the same time deciding if you have a future with him.

Good luck op

i really think people abandoning children should be sterilised so they cant keep on doing it, but im guessing ill get flamed for that thought!

LineRunner Sat 23-Feb-13 16:47:03

My ExH has not only let down his own childen but he moved onto various new relationships where became 'step-dad' for a couple of years and then serially abandoned them all.

My DCs now do not even know where their former 'step-sibs' live.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 16:57:47

Swallowed, now I am an adult, I mainly feel sad for my dad that he opted out of parenthood for so long. (I was a pretty angry teen about it though, but came through that stage!)

I know it is sometimes hard for my amazing mum now that I encourage my dad in being a grandfather (ironically, he is always nagging to see me more). I think sometimes it hurts her that I have let him back in after so long.

But I do think my dad was a weak person who in his case let things slip. Looking at my DH, I know that no matter what happened with our relationship, he adores our children so much that he would never be that man. And I see what my DH gets out of fatherhood - he feels it is what gives his life meaning - and feel sad for my dad that he let his chance to have the same thing go.

And as for my mum? She is my rock and the one who would never let me down. I knew that at 8, 18 and I know it at 34. So I can be generous to my dad because he can never come close to this kind of relationship, which is created through years of trust and love.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 17:13:07

I know that not all men are like this fortunately.

My sister married a man, who lives for his kids, all of his kids, he has 2 with my sister, 1 from a previous relationship and a stepson.

He works hard for them all, including his stepson, whos own father is complete twunt.

My DNephews dad, told my sister, that he couldnt pay for their sons schooltrip, because he had other kids to support, my DN heard this, and knew that his dads stepkids meant more than his only child. And now wont see his son because my sister got CSA on him and now is forced to pay a pathetic, £5 a week, because he hides his earnings, my DN has no realised what a joke his dad is.

thanks ruby smile

at one stage i got a rare reply from ds' father saying 'my partner and i have discussed this thoroughly and have decided that the most positive option is for me to have no contact with this child'. i replied, surprisingly calmly, that in the end that wouldn't be his choice really. that 'this child' would likely outlive us both and would not be a child forever and that if or when he needed to find him and see him for himself i would obviously support him in doing that. the choice of whether he'd meet him could not be entirely his because 'this child' might decide differently and i hoped he would ready and prepare himself for that day if it should come.

i have to have the confidence that like you my son will know that we have years and years of relationship, trust, commitment and parenting that is solid and reliable and whatever 'this man' says or does it is in the context of me having always been there for him and him being able to judge me by his own experience.

DialsMavis Sat 23-Feb-13 17:30:08

Does he pay maintenance? Surely if you are a family unit it doesn't matter if he is working some of the contact weekends, wouldn't the children just be with you- their step mother and their sibling?

He really didn't send them any Christmas or birthday cards/presents? What did he say when you told him how cuntish that is/he is?

MammaTJ Sat 23-Feb-13 17:30:24

So, he can't be bothered to go to court to sort contact, then he hides when he might have the chance to see them.

They are only young at 4 and 5 and I bet they have cried many tears over their Daddy disappearing.

He needs a kick up the backside.

alcazar Sat 23-Feb-13 17:54:33

Your stepchildren are better not seeing him anyway. He is a spineless twat. At least they have one parent that gives a shit, I pray that he does not do the same to your children. He is lucky to have somebody like you, a person with a concience, but I doubt the gormless shit will realise it.

Spero Sat 23-Feb-13 17:59:57

Sorry, I could not love, respect nor live with a man who could do this to his children. It would tell me all I needed to know about his character, and how he would treat me and any children we had together if things got bad.

If he can't do alternate weekends and she won't agree to another pattern, he takes this to mediation or to court. It really is that simple. I appreciate it is stressful but tough shit. They are his children. His responsibility. They didn't ask to be born. He needs to step up and he needs to do it NOW.

I think I would have lost what little respect I still had for this person (I hesitate to use the word 'man' as IMO he is not), witnessing him hiding from his children sad. No matter how difficult his ex-wife is, to not have taken any action in 16 months to resolve access to his children is just plain depressing. And suggests that this is what he will do again if your relationship ever founders, OP.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 23-Feb-13 18:18:52

I find it quite shocking that someone who does not just work weekends is not able to find a way to be able to do every other weekend.

Resident parents and most nrp's have to make sure there work fits in around there child related commitments and obligations its a what parents are expected to do.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:02

I'm in a very similar situation to SwallowedAfly, as my DS's 'dad' chose not to be involved in his life in any capacity - he's never seen DS, doesn't pay maintenance, just isn't interested in the slightest. He also has other children (conceived with two other women, unbeknown to me, while we were still together hmm ) that he doesn't bother with. He left me for a different OW when I was four months into a planned pregnancy - she was aware I was pg as she saw my scan pics.

What I don't get is how these 'men' manage to get into new relationships. How do other women justify being with, and even having children with, a man who doesn't give a shiny shite about his existing children? That's you, OP. I know you say he had lots of contact when you first met but he hasn't for 16 months. How do you reconcile that in your head? I don't know how you still respect him as a man and a fellow human being tbh. How would you feel if your eldest child's father behaved this way? You do realise that in the event that your relationship ends at some point in the future, your DC together will most likely be treated in exactly the same way?

Your thread title states you think it was an awful way to behave - what did he say when you said this to him? Why hasn't he pursued contact via the court? He sounds like a lazy, selfish arse and what he did speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. If I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship status.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 18:52:52

Kitty Some women are just stupid, my ex manages to snare women despite having no interest or paying DD for a long time.

I would leave any man who didnt wanna know his DC's because my dad has no interest in me, i know how it hurts, so i couldnt never be with a man who does the same.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 23-Feb-13 19:01:32

I wouldn't have sex with someone who had a pregnant ex or had children they didnt see if I knew of the existence of the children or pregnancy.

GreenEggsAndNichts Sat 23-Feb-13 19:15:19

I'm not an ex-wife, but I can see life from their perspective in many of these cases. Of course she wants to set things regularly, ie every other weekend. She has a life, as well. She has the children full-time 25 days out of 30. Who can blame her for wanting to know in advance when she can make plans etc? Why should she have to wait for him to finagle his work schedule at a week's notice, or whatever? Imagine being in her position! Yes, she might come off as difficult, but we don't know her reasons for being difficult. Maybe she's been driven to distraction by the dithering man.

(yes, maybe she's a complete bitch, too. I don't know. But there are always two sides to these stories. And I'm not just referring to the OP's tale)

GreenEggsAndNichts Sat 23-Feb-13 19:20:11

oh and FWIW, I was raised by my mum after my parents' divorce when I was 5. My father made every effort to have me over as often as he could, which was every other weekend, more or less, plus holidays as they fit. They had an amicable agreement and there was no arguing in front of me or snide comments from them to me about the other. So, I know from experience it's possible for a man to want to see his child and to make the effort to do so. smile

Bobyan Sat 23-Feb-13 20:25:20

He's a shit and it will only be a matter of time before you find out for yourself.

As for lafaminute's "I don't think it makes him an awful father - just someone who would rather not deal with the trickier aspects of a complicated life" comment. Speaking as someone who's df walked away when I was 3, your comment has to be one of the most pathetic excuses for being a crap parent I have ever heard. If he treated your dc's like this I somehow doubt you would be saying its okay, its just too tricky for him to be bothered to see his dc's.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 23-Feb-13 20:34:11

Your DP is a vile human being. Your daughter deserves better than a father that would do this to his own children, her siblings.

Horrible, pathetic excuse for a father.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 20:55:34

Exactly Bobyan Being a parent is tricky, but most of us are grown up enough to handle that.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:09:51

Yes he does pay full maintenance. It isn't as simple as me just having his DC for him as we're 50 miles away and my eldest daughter is at school here so obviously I cannot be there to collect his children from school too. I had offered that she bring them on Fridays and I return them on Sundays, which is fair to share travelling considering she moved, but she flatly refuses. It's collect from school Friday return Sunday evening on alternate weeks or nothing at all according to her. He is actually able to give her a years notice of the times he can have the kids so they'd all know where they stand and could make plans but his ex doesn't agree. He doesn't send cards and presents because they wouldn't be passed on- ex said it's confusing for kids, which I agree with. I was pregnant when contact stopped (and no, it wasn't because of my pregnancy) so for all those saying they wouldn't have had a child with him - it was too late by then. I'm not excusing him but his wife was unfaithful throughout the marriage and I think his hesitancy is fuelled by the concern that one or both children might not be his. It's not exactly the best approach to re-establishing contact to ask for a DNA test first.

Bobyan Sat 23-Feb-13 21:11:41

You know what Greg, I don't even think you need to be a grown up, its just about having enough respect for the life you chose to create. It will be a cold day in hell before I ever treat my dcs like my df treated me.

Bobyan Sat 23-Feb-13 21:12:39

Op stop making excuses for him.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:17:11

I've been considering contacting his ex as I want my youngest to know her half siblings and my eldest to know her step siblings, whom she previously got on really well with. I miss the kids too and resent that his ex/the kids think it's because of me that he isn't seeking contact when actually I seem more concerned about it than him.

" I think his hesitancy is fuelled by the concern that one or both children might not be his."
And do you really think that would make one bit of difference to the DC? They believe he is their daddy - and he is, regardless of the genetics. You've mentioned that you have a DD who is not 'his' - how would you feel if he blanked her but not his/your genetic DD in the event that you split?

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 21:24:08

Ok then OP, what do you want to get out of posting this thread? Because it can't be much fun having lots of people telling you how appalling your DP is being, over and over again.

What advice or support would help you change this situation?

The excuses about the contact aren't really that convincing. If my DH couldn't see his children every other week (at the minimum!) he would actually be actively looking for a new job that would allow that. I appreciate that your DH can give his calendar a year in advance to his ex, but that is all about him and what's convenient for him. That schedule might not be at all convenient for their mother; she may not want contact visits to be few but long - the kids may not want that either as they are quite young still! So I don't think that she is necessarily being really unreasonable here. I think if your DH wanted to change things, he could and would.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 21:24:59

You know what, if your DP had actually bothered going to court to sort this all out, the judge might have agreed that his ex wife bringing the kids Friday nights and you dropping them back off on Sundays was a good idea and ordered her to comply. It just seems to me that you (and him) have one excuse after another. You say that the way he behaved when he hid from them was awful but you make excuses for it. You took your kids swimming while he hid - you are enabling him to do what he does. Sorry but in a way you're as bad as him.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:26:16

If he and I were seperated then we'd work together to arrange contact, I wouldn't dictate impossible terms because that isn't in the kids best interests. I fully agree he should go to court and get it sorted, or rather that he should've done that initially. If he had done so when we first met then there's a good chance he could've had residency by now as their mum doesn't provide that stable a life and very much values her freedom - her parents have the DC the majority of the time.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 21:32:47

Residency? Don't make me laugh! Your DP doesn't even want to make the effort to see them, ffs.

Oh, and here's the bit where their mother doesn't provide a stable life hmm. Yeah, whatever. My parents pick my DS up from school three times a week while I'm at work. Does that make me bad mother too?

Drip, drip, drip.

Excuse, excuse, excuse.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 21:35:06

Impossible terms! She's asking him to have them every other weekend how is that impossible? 2 days out of 14 really isn't much is it and since she'll spend the other 12 days dealing with raising them singlehanded I don't think its unreasonable for you or him to pick them up even if it isn't straight from school.

OptimisticPessimist Sat 23-Feb-13 21:35:33

Well said SoftKitty.

I don't think ex is being UR tbh.

alisunshine29, sorry but with your more recent posts I can see you retreating into some sort of denial. First with 'they might not be his anyway' and now 'his ex is a bad mother'. All ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT. He could be seeing his childre, but he is CHOOSING not to and you are CHOOSING to not give him a hard time about it.

You started a thread about what you termed his awful behaviour. We all agreed that it was awful. Now you are making excuses for his awful behaviour. I'm guessing the fact that we all agree it is awful has spooked you somewhat, because you are not sure what to do about it and not sure how it could affect you and your children in the long term. But please, don't be like him; stare this horrible situation in the face and deal with it. It's not going to go away.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 21:37:54

Having regular contact is not impossible terms, but i suppose the DC's mum shouldnt have moved 50 miles away, make it easier for your DP.

Seriously 16 months, and your making excuses, good parents move heaven and earth for their kids, my exp is a twat but atleast hes trying now hes more settled, your DP just cant be bloody bothered.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 21:38:08

Omg how did I miss the residency comment.
Seriously op your making my blood pressure rise.
Projecting your issues onto his ex much? "Oh she's a shit parent, oh she was unfaithful" yes she's so terrible and you darling dearest best partner and father in the world is so concerned he's done.... Fuck all
How would you know she's so terrible anyway? You haven't seen them in god knows how long

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:38:12

I could hardly drag him in the pool by his ear! I would like opinions on whether I should contact his ex to try and help the situation for my DD's and their siblings sake or whether I'm interfering and should leave it up to him. It's likely that, if indeed he isn't the biological father of either child, then his ex would use that to stop contact at a later date if either child showed a preference for him over her. Also the youngest was only 2 when contact stopped - if it's going to start again then surely it's best if everyone knows the truth about DNA as they may not even remember him. Hardly fair on the child to build a relationship with someone they'll lose.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 21:40:52

Oh and how many men have used the excuse "They might not be mine", its a cop out, he was happy to say they were when he was with their mother, but now when she expects some consistancy, he comes up with the excuses. and hiding from them, thats just disgusting and shameful.

"I could hardly drag him in the pool by his ear!"
So what did you do, OP? Did you say anything to him at all about this? At the time? Later? What?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 21:42:28

No you should contact her, it should be your dopey DP that does it, hes the dad and should be making an effort.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 21:43:33

shouldnt

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 21:46:00

Oh and again referring you back to earlier with my own sorry excuse for a father.
He had excuses too, a whole book of them.
My mother was crazy, total nutcase he was the "wronged" party despite sleeping around on her.
2'nd woman was a goldigger, and she cheated
3 rd was a phsyco and insecure, plus she was a whore too
do you see a pattern here?

I have a rule now that I would never date a man who brands all his exes crazy, insecure, cheats etc. if anything it is better if they are friends with an ex because it shows they are a good person -- and not just lying through their teeth--

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 21:46:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 21:48:20

First, no, don't contact her. This is something he has to do.

I'd be sitting down with him and saying to him that you find it hard to trust him and move on with him in your relationship when you saw a grown man hide from his own kids at a swimming pool. Explain that it made you question how he would behave if your own relationship split up. Say that your children deserve to have a relationship with their siblings. Tell him that the stuff about DNA and weekends can't be an excuse anymore. Tell him that no matter how hard this is for him, he has to sort it out or it will affect all your lives in future.

Ask him to imagine explaining to your DD when she is 16 that she doesn't know her siblings because he had a bit of a tricky shift pattern (like millions of parents) and he wanted a DNA test before he handed out love.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 23-Feb-13 21:49:52

Op I will personally give you £100 if either of those children are not his.
That is how confident I am he is lying about his doubt

Losingexcessweight Sat 23-Feb-13 21:50:06

Op - after reading all your posts on this thread, i think its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The situation of their marriage sounds messy.

Move on with your dh, if contact is resumed in years to come then deal with it then. Its a bad situation.

Figgygal Sat 23-Feb-13 21:50:13

Christ he needs a kick up the arse

I wouldn't contact ex it has to be his decision to sort this out or he's likely to not keep up any arrangement and just disappoint his kids further IF they even want to see him.

If I were u I would be more worried about how he would treat u and your dc if u end up in the same situation as his ex

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:50:36

For the first year after they split he had them 70% of the time so yes, he would've had a high chance of having residency. I can't comment on her parenting skills as I don't really know her - I had a lot of abuse from her when we first met but not much contact other than that. I absolutely am not making excuses for him, I'm providing his reasons which to a small degree I understand but also completely do not agree with what he is doing - I.e bugger all. I have so many suggestions/strategies we could propose/try but he has to want to and be determined or it'll just lead to more heart ache for everyone.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:11

Don't contact her. Instead, tell and I mean tell your DP that he has to contact her and make an effort to see his kids.

If he'd kept seeing them in the first place, there would be no need to 'rebuild' the relationship would there? Quite frankly he needs to get his arse in gear and put in a contact application to court. But he won't do that, will he?

WMittens Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:24

This whole attitude of "man needs to man up", "be a man" yadda yadda is what leads to men being emotionally stunted in the first place. Then their wives complain that he won't talk about feelings.

This was a situation that he wasn't able to deal with rationally, so he resorted to what he knew, methods he has probably used to avoid difficult situations since childhood. 'MTFU' isn't a final solution to the problem, it's only going to reinforce the problem.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 21:54:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank Sat 23-Feb-13 21:55:16

I once had a bit of a go at someone I'd just met because he didn't see his kid, so I can't see putting up with it from a partner. I hate that shit.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:55:37

He isn't lying about the doubt - she sent a list of people she'd cheated on him with to him to hurt him, and sent it to me too telling me to get tested for STDs because she'd cheated so much.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 21:56:49

I think people only mean "be an adult" by "man up" here Wmittens. I don't think they are talking about being macho and stiff upper lip or repressing feelings. They are talking about being adults and moving past the hurt and putting your children first. Or at least that is what I took from it.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:05:27

He does want to be their dad. It's his ex that makes him feel physically ill with stress, she knows precisely how to get to him and he can't seem to put that aside to sort out the kids. He keeps saying 'when we see them again...' like it's just going to magically occur with no effort from him. If I push him into it and he applies to Court then I think the judge will (rightly so) be very hard on him which may make him back down again. Also if there's things to attend like parents evening, dance shows etc he refuses to attend with his ex - this is just going to lead to the kids not remembering him being there at any events

Amykins Sat 23-Feb-13 22:11:09

But going to court would be better than nothing, surely. You do not know what the judge will say! Unless you have been advised to the contrary, the only options open are to go through courts, mediation.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 22:12:28

He needs to get to court and get that access going again, my friends DB has spent an absolute fortune, taking his ex to court to get access to his son, he tried so hard and he got it, he needs to get ready and get to court, even if its at a contact centre to start, its better than nothing.

Amykins Sat 23-Feb-13 22:12:43

Any contact would be better than none, surely.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 22:14:13

Jesus woman, stop making excuses! It's pitiful, it really is. You don't get it, do you? This is not about him, or his ex, or you, or how much time has passed, or what his shifts are, or what a judge may or may not say, or any other goddamn excuse you or he can come up with. It's about his kids. The ones he's given up on. The ones he hid from, ffs.

You still haven't told us what he said when you told him hiding from them was an awful way to behave. But no count he'd just make yet another excuse.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 22:15:26

If your DP really wants this to happen and it's stress and anxiety stopping him, why not suggest counselling?

Because all the divorced dads I know find it stressful dealing with their exes. Ditto the divorced mums I know. But none of them would stop contact with the children over it.

So if you think there is a genuine anxiety and stress that your DP cannot deal with at the root of this, why not suggest counselling? He could adopt some coping strategies that would make it easier for him to deal with the process of seeing his children.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Feb-13 22:15:35

No doubt, not no count

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 22:15:46

Being a parent is about putting the children's needs before our own.

Can't attend events that his ex-w is at? Can't go to parents' evenings? Why the hell not?!

He needs to step up.

Don't you feel your respect for this man seeping away?

"He does want to be their dad."
He doesn't want it enough to actually do anything about it.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 22:18:44

And the stuff about refusing to attend kids' shows with his ex? Going to those things is just putting the kids first which is what children do. If he cannot attend because the stress literally makes him ill, on the other hand, then he should go for counselling so he can get over it.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Feb-13 22:19:16

What "parents" do, not children. blush

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 22:26:20

My life is my child, and no one can ever keep me from her, my heart beats for that girl, my needs, my dreams, what i want comes second, to what she needs, i've had depression and lost her for a while, but i pulled myself up, got better, shook myself, to get her back.

If your DP wanted to go to court to get access, he would do it, he needs to forget what happened between him and exW, and remember his kids need him, and hes denying them, you cant say what his ex is like, but you can help your DP get a relationship with his DC's, i just dont think his heart is in it.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sat 23-Feb-13 22:29:32

My ex, and therefore his new partner, will tell anyone that will listen that I am unreasonable, or that I stop him seeing our dc. Actually, all I've ever done us refuse to allow them to travel in his work vehicle, as there are no seatbelts in the front and only seats. Plus I asked him to pick them up from my mums once, he refused, but Mum was babysitting as I was away.

On the other hand, he told the DC he'd have them on weds this week. I text him that morn asking what time and he replied 'can't have them now as we want to take the kids (hers) out for a family day and can't fit them all in one car' his own children missed a 'family' day out, yet her kids, who he lives with and sees everyday get a treat!

Like I said, him and her both vilify me to everyone, and I'm sure they'd make excuses for why he canceled on them this week. Doesn't make the tears I dealt with all morning any easier though.

Sounds to me like your dp needs to step up, and you both need top stop making excuses!

That was a terrible way to behave, I really hope his children hadn't spotted him.
50 miles is nothing, my Dh drives that far to work 5 days a week (and another 50 home) On his day off he should be able to meet them from school and take them for tea on the weeks he can't have them on the weekend. Shame on him.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 23:36:20

I don't think his heart is in it either. I guess I just struggle to understand how he can compartmentalise his life and bury his head in the sand to this extent. I'd be more than willing to help/advise/support but if he won't take the first step then I can't actually force him. I think choosing not to see them at the pool (if they were actually there) was done purely for cowardly reasons. But I think it wouldn't have been good for the kids to be reminded of him for him to disappear again. We all live in the same county and with children so close in age it's likely we'll bump into them at some point. I would just prefer if my daughter had a regular good relationship with her half siblings rather than potentially bumping into them in years to come.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 23-Feb-13 23:41:42

He really wants to be there dad, but clearly not enough to make himself available twice a month.

Now your talking nonsense

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 23:49:54

So you'd suggest he quit his job and do that?

OptimisticPessimist Sat 23-Feb-13 23:52:10

He's had 16 months to request flexible working from his employer and/or seek new employment that's more suitable to work around a standard contact arrangement. Has he done either of those things?

DonderandBlitzen Sat 23-Feb-13 23:55:53

I was going to ask if he has been looking for work which would enable him to have the children 2 weekends a month too. Has he? 2 weekends a month isn't much to ask. Many separated dads see their children every weekend.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 00:01:35

Now your being silly there's the thing called arranging time off unpaid or annual leave.

Its what every decent parent has to do. Its called being a parent.

What would he do if you had to go into hospital and nobody else was available to look after your child. Would it still be perfectly ok for him to just not bother.

Or is your child far more important than his other children

KatieMiddleton Sun 24-Feb-13 00:06:23

I think your right OP. He just doesn't want to do it or he's try.

He can make a flexible working request, look for another job or self represent in court proceedings. He's done none of those things.

You say there is an issue with pick up and dropping off. Again it could be sorted if be wanted to either by applying for a court order that will either adjust the days to make it work or insist she does half the pick ups/drop offs. Of course you could look at a childminder or after school club for one day a fortnight to solve the clash of school pick up.

But be has done nothing. I would find it very hard to love with that. I know what depression can do to me someone. When getting washed and dressed or sending an email can feel utterly overwhelming... and yet still the dc get washed and fed and looked after.

It is never too late.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 00:09:06

He has a career rather than a job and no he isn't able to get the time off on the basis of his kids. He could quit but then his job would be substantially lower paid and therefore maintenance would reduce meaning his ex would do her best to block contact as he wouldn't be keeping them to the standard they're used to - this was by her own admission.

WilsonFrickett Sun 24-Feb-13 00:11:34

I'm stopping reading the thread at page 2 because it is too upsetting personally for me. But I would like to assure your P that not only did I not want to live with my dad, I never wanted to see his lazy, feckless, selfish, ostrich face ever again. And he's never met his grandson either. Because if he couldnt be arsed withme, he doesnt get to be arsed with him.

::hiding thread::

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 00:13:00

His ex won't allow her children to go to after school club and doesn't want me to be seen collecting her kids from school.

OptimisticPessimist Sun 24-Feb-13 00:15:44

But sometimes as a parent your job or your career just doesn't fit in with your responsibilities and if you can't make it fit then you have to change roles. Has he looked for similar jobs with more family friendly hours? Has he tried to find a re-training opportunity? Or has he just dug his heels in and said "no, can't do that, ex is unreasonable, it's so unfair, whine whine whine"?

Bobyan Sun 24-Feb-13 00:16:24

He has a career rather than a job

Yet another excuse, what the hell do you think everyone else who has a career and children does? You just don't get it do you OP? He just can't be bothered.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 00:22:22

What is this fantastic career? I guess it employs no parents at all what with the fact that nobody who chooses to work in it is also able to actually parent even of the only have to do so 2 weekends a month.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 00:23:00

If they not of the

WilsonFrickett Sun 24-Feb-13 00:30:13

Yy my dad had an A.Maz.Ing career. And now he has a sad, lonely old age.

::must leave this thread::

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 00:31:59

Well I better sack everybody with kids and then quit myself, obviously having a career is incompatible with being a parent

KatieMiddleton Sun 24-Feb-13 00:34:23

<sigh> poor kids sad

dayshiftdoris Sun 24-Feb-13 00:37:45

She offered him alternate weekends and when he couldnt do it she told him to take her to court...

I don't blame her... she offered him a level of contact most men in your DH's position would chew their right arm off for but it didn't suit him so he turned it down.

She was probably stick of having to be his parent too.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustratingly nauseating this thread is... my ex's new wife could write this... poor DH, so stressed so hard done by...
Reality is that he has disappeared off the face of the earth to those children BY CHOICE because he would not commit to contact with them for their benefit, would not inconvenience himself to maintain his relationship with his children or acknowledge that he had a responsibility to do so... He would rather blame his ex, his job, his anxiety to seek sympathy for his plight.

If he suddenly decided he wanted contact it would take a lot of work - lots of tiny baby steps to regain the trust of the children, lots of time and energy... it would take 100% commitment with that process his number one priority

And quite frankly if he has even one excuse why that is not possible then you need to seriously consider this... if it was your child would YOU want him dipping in and out of her life at whim? Would you want to manage a constant dashing of expectations and rejection from her other parent?
What would you do? I think if you really consider it from the point of view of this happening to YOUR DD then I think you might not be quite so supportive of his excuses.

SqAwe

CheerfulYank Sun 24-Feb-13 00:50:05

He really can't ask to, say, work longer hours every other Thursday so he can take off early Friday to get them at school?

Go to court. See what the judge has to say. She/he may well say that the mum HAS to deal with a later pickup. He doesn't know til he tries.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 01:44:53

Its quite likely a judge would be inwardly sighing at yet another prat bleating about it being everybody else's fault as to why he couldn't see his children but saying he wanted to but only if its at his convienance and only if the mum brings the children to him but only when he can be bothered to arrange his work/ home commitments and can't commit to regular times

MusicalEndorphins Sun 24-Feb-13 02:07:46

You dh doesn't sound like he cares about his kids.
I know someone who told her ex he wasn't the father of his ds, as she wanted him out of their lives completely.
It wasn't true, but he couldn't be bothered to demand DNA testing.
Somehow the truth came out after he was a teenager, and he has a good relationship with his father and his family now.
He needs to go to court, lack of money is just a weak excuse. Do you have legal aid in the UK? Or as you said, he can go without a lawyer.

CSIJanner Sun 24-Feb-13 04:25:49

Please say this is a reverse thread?! It's heartbreaking otherwise.

OP - I understand that you didn't like DP's behaviour today and that you do feel the need to try and defend his POV, but in reality, whilst he does work, there is no excuse for behaving in the manner he did today. He needs to try and resolve seeing his children by negotiating with ExPas opposed to saying one weekend every six weeks. Just read FFJ and you'll see how some men are desperate for access to their children - your ExW has been offered some v good terms and he's turned it down with no negotiation. Does he write to them ever week? Tell them what he's doing, how much he misses them and asks them about their lives? Has he tried going to counselling with ExW about access?

I know it's not you who is doing this but the victims here are his children, who may very well have seen their dad hide at the swimming pool. Shame on him! Agree with others that he needs to talk to work about being more flexible, which he should be able to request, and then either renegotiate with ExW or go to court. He needs to repair this damage before his relationship with his children is irreparably broken.

lots of of us have careers.

if my career was incompatible with my son what should i do? should i abandon him? say well i'd love to be his parent but it clashes with my terribly important career?

you are avoiding looking at this for what it really is.

why do 'i' have to arrange my work around my parenting and he does not? why does she have to make herself available every day for her kids but he can't be expected to make himself regularly available every other weekend?

i think you may need to reflect on your attitudes to men and women. are men just more important and their jobs more important and everything should move around to fit them and their wants and needs? is not doing that unreasonable?

and are women just the ones who should do everything for the kids and be grateful if their father pays maintenance or wants to see them at all?

incidentally spending time with your grandparents doesn't mean your mum is a shit parent. ds spends one night a week overnight at my parents house allowing me to have a late finish at work one day and an early start the next and (shock, horror) an evening to myself. they sometimes have him more than that if i've got things on. he and his cousins have their own rooms there full of stuff for them. it's called family and ds is blessed by having grandparents able to offer him love and commitment especially given he hasn't got a father willing to do the same. some families are like this.

i wouldn't say me and my parents were particularly close, in fact we have very difficult relationships really but i do much egg shell walking because of my son and my neice and nephews. single mums with willing parents are blessed with support and more security and love for their children than everything coming from just one adult.

you should be happy for those kids that their gps are involved in their lives not using it as a point against their mother. presumably that also explains why she moved fifty miles after splitting with him - to be near her parents who were willing to be a supportive part of hers and her children's lives.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 09:30:08

Ali - I think you are a kind person who feels understandably torn about how to proceed. Your DP's ex is making things hard for him (eg not letting you collect SD from after school club on a Fri) and you are not sure how to make him behave acceptably. I honestly think your DP needs to get legal advice urgently about re-establishing contact ASAP. Why don't you find a solicitor and then tell DP you want both of you to go there to discuss the way forward. The solicitor will tell you how best to approach his ex and what reasonable contact terms will. They will advise on to mediation or a court hearing as necessary to sort this out. I think you need to push you DP to sort this out rather than hiding from his kids otherwise they will never forgive him.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 10:21:07

What a fuckwit. What an absolute fucking disgusting excuse for a humn being.

I have no respect for anyone that could even begin to defend his actions.

bit harsh midnite. i have no sympathy for him but the OP got together and had a child with this man and obviously loves him and has watched this all unfold since falling in love with him and becoming pregnant.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 12:54:50

You can always find time for the things you want to do.

Just make sure you keep careful records of all your family finances etc so you have the information you need when he runs away from this family too.

'Physically ill with stress'. Ah. Poor little baby.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 13:23:29

there's a lot of excuses. Unless his career physically removes him from the country (pilot, oil rig etc) then he could at least ask for a flexible request (I know CID officers, consultants, nurses, air traffic control staff who all should have fixed shift rotas being able to get changes to their shift patterns when they requested because of childcare). The answer might be no, but he should at least try...

If she doesn't like you picking the DCs up, tough.

She upsets him, well boo hoo, he managed to live with her long enough to knock her up twice. she can't have that bad an effect on him... hmm

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 13:33:24

This is heartbreaking to read. I want to sympathise with you, OP, but it's hard to do because you keep citing your DP's excuses as though they were valid reasons not to have seen his DC for 16 months.

Loads of people have careers. Loads of people can't bear to be in the company of their dreadful exes. And yet they compromise/abandon their careers and put up with the company of their exes anyway, because they are grownups and they recognise that their DC COME FIRST.

Your DP's behaviour is pathetic. I would not be able to sustain a relationship for a moment with a father who neglected his DC in this disgusting manner. He needs to man up immediately and start being a proper father to his kids. ALL his kids.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 14:05:48

Has he actually made any attempts to look for a more family friendly job? Has he done any retraining? Has he tried medication or counselling to cope with the stress of meeting his ex?

We know he hasn't gone to court for residency- has he applied for DNA testing? Neglecting his children because he "thinks" one of them might not be his hardly cuts much ice in a time when the issue can easily be put to the test. The child would hardly be any worse off, would they? (there would be absolutely nothing to stop him from carrying on with the maintenance payments if he cared for the child, would there?)

He can't be bothered to send a card "because the ex might not give it to the child" is another pathetically lame excuse- what harm would an undelivered letter do? Would the effort kill him? At least he'd be able to tell the child he tried if they ever were to meet up.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 16:07:15

I'm sorry but if a woman said her ex was abusive, adulterous and made her ill with stress you wouldn't call her a baby. Just because the situation is reversed and it's a man that's suffering these feelings it doesn't make them less valid. Also you wouldn't tell a woman to quit the career she loved, worked incredibly hard for and which funded her children's lifestyle to make contact more convenient for her ex, yet you expect DP to do just that. His kids had no problem with 6 weeks between staying contact when it was happening, it was his ex wanting more regular nights out that caused the alternate weekend demand. That and because she knew his job made it impossible and was busy teaching the kids to call her boyfriend of. 2 months daddy and trying to change their name to his.

The thing is, OP, his ex can "not want" things like you picking the kids up from school etc etc, but at the end of the day, if DH takes her to court it's not up to her to set rules like that, it's up to the judge. You're both full of excuses.

And no manner of abusive, adulterous or bloody-mindedly annoying ex would keep me from fighting tooth and nail, day and night, to the ends of the earth, to spend as much time as possible with my own children. Surely you feel the same way about your children?

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 16:11:50

No, but there is no way we would condone a woman walking away from her children because of stress before instead of dealing with her stress through medication or in any other way.

There is no way we would condone a woman waiting 16 months without moving a finger to organise access through the courts.

There is no way we would condone a woman hiding from her children in a public place.

There is no way we would condone a woman not even sending her children birthday cards "because they might not get deliver".

Would you?

Bobyan Sun 24-Feb-13 16:12:49

That's the spirit Op keep the excuses coming.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 16:13:43

And more to the point, will you condone it when it is your child? Because I have never come across a man who treated the children of his first relationship shoddily and then did not go on to do the same to children of subsequent relationships.

A good man puts the wellbeing of his children before his own wellbeing. A man who does not is not, by definition, a good man.

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 16:15:47

His kids had no problem with 6 weeks between staying contact when it was happening, it was his ex wanting more regular nights out that caused the alternate weekend demand.

So you think the DC were happy to see their dad once every 6 weeks? That was what he and they wanted, until the ex stepped in with her crazy suggestion of alternate weekends?

I am hiding this thread now because it's making me see red. The two of you clearly deserve each other.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:23:24

I was ill with stress, had panic attacks, while being treated like shit by my ex, but i still managed to deal with him for the sake of my DD, my ex cheated, manipulated, lied, but i still did it.

My Dfriends DB, has had every piece of shit thrown at his face by his ex, she lied, has been an absolute bitch, but he kept on spent money, put himself in debt, because his son means that much to him, nothing will keep him away from his son.

You and your DP, are coming out with crap, being stressed is no excuse, her being a bitch is no excuse, not going to court and get access, your DP quite frankly doesnt give a SHIT!!!

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 16:39:33

Look if it was up to me, I'd go to court tomorrow and get it sorted but it isn't up to me, it's up to him. So realistically it's pointless you all having a go at me - I agree with you all that he has behaved terribly and those children need a father. But I don't think it's fair to insist he must have contact on the exes terms at the expense of his career. If the children were fine staying for 3/4 weekends in a row every six weeks with midweek contact in the meantime and very generous annual leave to have them in school holidays then the ex should have no problem with it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 16:39:34

Fact is, alternate weekend contact isn't to make it easier and more convenient for the ex, it's to make it easier and more convenient for the kids. How do you know the kids were ok with only seeing their dad once every six weeks? I think you said the kids are now 6 and 4, and that the youngest was 2 when he stopped bothering with them contact stopped, so they were 4 and 2 the last time he saw them. Yes, I'm sure a 2 and a 4 year old clearly and rationally verbalised that they were absolutely fine with contact every six weeks hmm.

And so what if she wants to go out every other weekend? None of your business what she does when the kids are at their dads which is currently never.

And yet more drip feeding! The new bf being called daddy! The ex wanting to change their names! It's like a fucking soap opera this.

Your DP is a joke. Quite frankly his kids are probably better off without such a pathetic, selfish, flaky loser in their lives.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 16:44:19

Wasn't drip feeding, the new boyfriend they were calling daddy is no longer around so wasn't sure it was relevant but the fact it coincided with her stopping contact is. Not to mention the fact that she had a child with him also but won't allow contact because of whatever bullshit reasons she's dreamed up that he's terrible to the kids - yet she was fine to leave all three in his care while going for nights out and sleeping around on him too.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:46:53

How do you know all this stuff about her?

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 16:48:25

But how can you cope with a man who doesn't even send his children a birthday card in case it doesn't get delivered? How can you have any respect for him?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 16:52:52

I'm fed up of this now. You just can't see it, can you? It's all someone else's fault, isn't it? Blah, blah and triple blah. I feel really sorry for those kids. And that includes the one you have together.

dayshiftdoris Sun 24-Feb-13 16:59:51

Go to court?

And say what exactly?

'Well I want irregular contact when it suits me, not the children and I want my wife to care for them so I can work'

So WHAT that he can do 3-4 weekends on the trot... that's not child centred as then their mum doesn't get to see them and have leisure time for weeks at a stretch.

OP... I suggest you find a Dads board but I warn you - they will say similar stuff as here.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:08:11

Because she used to ring DP to pour her heart out about it, even telling him about having to have extra attention in pregnancy as she had two STDs. Nice lady.his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 17:16:31

OP As someone whose ExH did take her to court and attempt a 'when I feel like it' court order - trust me, the family courts take a very dim view of this kind of stuff.

At the very least he would need to show evidence from his work stating why he was not entitled to flexible family working to see his chidren every other weekend.

If he just stands there and slags off his EX, without any firm proposals for regular contact ... what a waste of time, energy and money that could be getting spent on the DCs.

CheerfulYank Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:01

But if all you're saying is true and the ex is a nasty manipulative piece of work, doesn't it make even more sense that he should have contact?

If, God forbid, my children were in the care of someone I felt was not always a good parent and didn't always have their best interests at heart, I would fight like hell to stay around them so I could make sure they were okay.

Actually, I may have dragged him to the pool by his ear...

He is massively delusional if he thinks someone who hasn't seen him since he/she was a two year old would all of a sudden decide to live with him after absolutely no effort on his part. I am an extremely forgiving person, but I'd never want to see him again.

He needs to talk to work (has he ever tried) and then go to court. The judge will sort it out. There is no excuse for not trying.

Honestly, I'd leave him if he didn't. I couldn't be with someone so spineless and cruel.

HopingItllBeOK Sun 24-Feb-13 17:19:06

I haven't had a night out in years because I can't find a sitter able to cope with my 3DC and their issues.

Can I get my martyr award now please?

Bobyan Sun 24-Feb-13 17:20:53

his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

Except for the fact that he's never formally bothered to try to get this set by the court, so the stuff above isn't actually true is it? Anyway lots of people don't have weekends to themselves or nights out. IT'S CALLED BEING A PARENT.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:45

Call a family law solicitor first thing tomorrow. Make an appointment and tell your DP you expect him to come with you. It may be he's afraid to take the first step so I think you should support him by helping him to organise it. Once the solicitor is involved it shouldn't take too long for contact to be re-established. If your DP is decent he will be grateful to you for getting the ball rolling when he is afraid to.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 17:28:29

Oh, funny how you have a go at his ex for wanting/having nights out but when it's your DP that doesn't want to give up his nights out or weekends to himself, it's a different matter. Double standards much? Sorry but that is selfish. And surely he doesn't have weekends 'to himself' anyway, what with having a DD and DSD living with him?

I'm a single parent and can count my nights out since DS was born nearly 7 years ago on both hands. Probably on one hand. My DS's dad doesn't give a shit about him (similar to your DP with his kids) so I have had him every weekend since he was born. Every single weekend. You know why? Because that's what decent parents do. I work too, and yes, my career has taken a back seat because my role as a parent has to come first. Clearly your DP doesn't understand that concept because everything on this thread has been about how this affects him, what he wants, how stressed he is. Pitiful.

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 17:29:09

There are sadly some men who bang on about what they would like in terms of contact, what they would do in court, blah blah blah, but who never deliver on this. The 'blah' is to try to impress people, to try to make out that they are not useless wankers.

Either they never actually bother with court; or they do and make twats of themselves; or they get orders which they then break within a month.

That is incredibly insulting to all the women and men who do care for, and about, their DCs, and who make make huge efforts and sacrifices to be with them through thick and thin.

BratinghamPalace Sun 24-Feb-13 17:33:36

This is NOT the ops fault. He is the father and must take responsibility
For himself. Ironically his rensponsibility for his children is being passed onto TWO women, ex wife and current wife.
OP no matter What the mother is he is the father. Simple as that. for you now OP, I feel really bad. Because you have to live with thiS man kowing he turned away from the most venerable people on the planet, a two and
4 year old.

BratinghamPalace Sun 24-Feb-13 17:34:37

On iPhone without glasses. Excuse all mistakes!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 17:38:50

It's not the OP's fault but she enables him to continue this way (including hiding from his own children, ffs) and just comes out with excuse after excuse as to why he won't/can't pursue contact and bitches about her DP's ex.

I asked way back what the OP's DP had said when she told him hiding at the pool was an awful way to behave. She hasn't answered. I think this subject is brushed under the carpet at their house which in my mind is unacceptable. It clearly needs dealing with. But the excuses keep getting in the way.

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 17:41:33

so he is not playing happy families with you and your DDs on the weekends he isn't working but going out instead? Children and families seem hard work for him.

You really picked a treasure, didn't you.

god forbid a woman should want the father of her children to take some of the strain of parenting on a regular basis and to have some regular time off herself. how very dare she? hmm

i'm afraid it is beginning to sound like you deserve him. and like yet another case of the ex is such a bitch/slag/selfish/lazy/spends all her maintenance on booze and rizlas blah blah blah but my nigel is a saint story.

you do get that those kids need parenting and caring for every single day of their lives right? and that your partner made those children with her and took on that commitment? or is parenting your children optional and only to be done if it fits in with your lifestyle?

he hasn't even sent a card for 16 months. he hasn't driven up and sneaked a peek of them coming out of school/nursery? he hasn't called her and tried to talk? he hasn't even talked to a solicitor or asked work for a change of work pattern.

but it's all her fault because she's a bitch?

ffs.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 17:46:52

My BIL or sister dont have many nights out, since they have 4 children between them, i havent had a night out in months, wheres my martyr award.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 18:24:42

I would talk about a woman who behaved in this way with exactly the same amount of scorn and contempt. How exactly can he be so 'stressed' when he has done fuck all for nearly two years?

And as for the 'nights out'... words fail me. I am eagerly looking forward to the delivery of my medal, celebrating how many nights out I have missed due to being a single parent.

What this collossal idiot clearly doesn't understand or care about is that they are NOT CHILDREN FOR EVER. he doesn't have to curtail his mad socialising for ever, just for next five years or so, while they are little, while they desparately need him, while he can build up a good solid relationship with them, until contact can be more on their terms as they are older, able to travel etc.

he is throwing away this opportunity to be a father for crap reasons. So he works, boo hoo. So do I. so he is stressed. Boo hoo. I bet they were a lot more stressed when he vanished without explanation or warning.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 18:28:46

means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

Are you fucking kidding me? He hasn't seen his kids for sixteen months because he's worried he might not get the occasional night out? Are you seriously fucking kidding me? It's called being a PARENT!!!! He should be willing to give up everything to want to spend what little time he can with his children. Fuck his career, fuck his nights at the pub. He's a lazy, arrogrant arsehole, and you're enabling his behaviour. Just don't come crying on this forum when he turns around and does the same thing to you. Because he will.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 18:32:39

OP - it's not your fault, you are right - however you are letting him think his behaviour is acceptable by not regularly confronting it. That is your fault. By letting him think this is ok, you are risking him doing the same with your DC.

As it's been said up thread, book him a solicitor's appointment. Point out even if he is certain his request for flexible working pattern is rejected, he needs to formally ask for it to prove to a court it's not an option.

But most of all look at him again, his behaviour suggests he doesn't actually love his DCs. Be very, very careful about letting yourself plan your future around a man who's so shallow he doesn't love his own children.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 18:36:16

Line.

I've had one of those court hearings as well it was laughable, in the same hearing where ex wouldn't agree to any type of contact order as he couldn't possibly manage his work to make sure he could be available even once a month despite actually owning the company. The wanker then asked for full residency the exact words the judge said were

"Mr xreturningpixie you've just said in front of me that you cannot even arrange your work to accommodate contact for 24 hours once every month, do you really want to ask me for residency?"

Op all your excuses make him sound even worse,now he's such a great parent he has left his children with an abuser.

If your dh was a woman who was not prepared to at the very least make arrangements to see her children twice a month under the same circumstances I would think she had no right to refer to herself as a parent.

Contact works likes this,its regular to meet the children's needs and the parent who is due to have them accommodates there needs during the time they are due to have them inc making themselves available

Should you break up he's going to apply exactly the same reasoning to you and your children and be calling you the same names making the same excuses will they sound so reasonable to you then?

I expect his excuses and requirements will get even worse then, he will only want to have his child with you when he has the others as that's going to be easier for him.oh and he will have some other woman to pander to him and agree with his pathetic excuses and add weight to them. And he can get further sympathy points for being so distressed.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 18:37:07

Also, I'm confused, does he not think you and he can not still book a babysitter and go out for dinner on the nights he has his DCs, or does that not currently happen? Is what currently happens is he has nights out leaving you with the DC you have together? Do people who have DCs who live together never manage a night out together in your world?

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 18:40:20

(Am I the only one who really, really wants to know what the OP's DP does for a living? I'm really struggling to think of something other than an oil rig worker where it would be impossible to get a shift pattern that gives you weekends off for a 6 week period, but she keeps saying it's a 'career not job' so am thinking something professional...)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 18:42:11

Dontmind - I've been wondering that too. Could be an engineer on an oil rig perhaps?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 18:44:04

She probably won't say because its utter bollocks and if she does say then we will know its utter bollocks

CremeEggThief Sun 24-Feb-13 18:44:19

YASNBU. Of course it was. I only read through the first couple of pages, as the more I read about this man, the more upsetting I found it sad.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 18:45:42

Pah, anything genuine like that would have been said up thread and banged on about and highlighted at every oppertunity because it would be the only legit reason for part of his conduct.

MotheringShites Sun 24-Feb-13 18:54:17

How did he manage this glittering career when he had 70% access???

CSIJanner Sun 24-Feb-13 18:54:20

Let's put it this way - if your DH wants any chance of a relationship with is children, then he has to prove that he did everything humanly possible to see them or contact them. Even if he loses the court case or if ExW puts up every barrier going, he has to be able to look them in eye and say with all honesty, he did everything he could. Including birthday/Christmas/well done on school cards, presents or if he thinks they won't get them, put the letters in a box and out the present money in a small bank account for each.

Even if ExW is as bad as you say, she is still with them, looking after them, despite the various affairs. In this scenario, there are no winners a d the children lose out when they are the innocents in this.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:58

Hmm, he could work as a firefighter or in a medical setting and think he can't get a weekend off for 6 weeks, but in both cases, I know people of different levels who have had shift pattern changes to allow for DCs (although granted they've always asked). I also know policemen/women who've got set shifts even though they are supposed to be on a rotation after having DCs...

It can't be something military because they rarely have set 6 week patterns, unless it's something like rescue helicopter, but again, they'd be able to work round a flexible request.

Lighthouse keeper?

OP- if you won't say, will you give us a clue, does he go away for the 6 week period or just go to his place of work and come home every night/morning (if night shifts). Anything where he's not sent away will be able to accomodate a flexible request, assuming he's prepared to ask...

i think the story is he works every weekend for 6 weeks and then has every weekend off for a period of time.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 19:09:09

Am I the only one who really, really wants to know what the OP's DP does for a living?

Probably works at McDonald's. The recruitment sign at our local one says "More than just a job, we offer you a real career".

his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

You're as bad as he is. Of course that's selfish! Never getting time off is part and parcel of being a parent! Parents who are together never get weekends or nights off, because their children are with them 100% of the time. Single parents even more so.

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 19:52:10

Not having a night out or a weekend to myself is what I've had for 95% of the past decade, since ExH walked out.

I work, and I am a parent.

It's what you do when you give a shit.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 24-Feb-13 19:56:09

He's selfish and you're making excuses for him. You are both BU.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 19:56:15

Being a parent means you have to change your life, to accommodate your DC's, if you cant do that or moan about not having a social life, then you shouldnt have kids.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 20:15:23

SwallowedFly - I know, but she doesn't seem to think that it's possible at all for that shift pattern to change. While that's a quite believable shift pattern, what I'm struggling with is working out what sort of job where you'd have that pattern and it's not possible at all for them to do alternative patterns if you go to the bother of putting in a flexible request due to childcare commitments. Every job I can think of that could have a pattern like this could be flexible to accomodate parents, with the exception of oil rig worker (once you're on it, your on for 6 weeks) or lighthouse keeper.

Oh wait, thought of another one! Does he work on Cruise ships? Once at sea, you're at sea until the ship docks! But otherwise, companies are able to make allowances for parents, even if everyone else are stuck on these shift patterns.

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 20:21:15

The OP mentioned the possibility of him having them over for tea on a week night so I assume that he's not on an oil rig or a cruise during the period he's working 6 weekends straight.

DontmindifIdo Sun 24-Feb-13 20:27:05

oh so he could ask for an alternative shift pattern then? But hasn't because...

mynewpassion Sun 24-Feb-13 20:31:25

I don't think its an alternative shift pattern but you would have to think that he wouldn't be working 7 days a week. If he's working at the weekends, he would at least get one or two nights off during the week.

Whocansay Sun 24-Feb-13 20:45:39

OP, your DP is doing exactly what he wants to do. Parenting is too much trouble for him. He would rather hide from his children than have to seen his ex FIL, because he knows he's in the wrong. He can't even be bothered to ask his employer to alter his shifts, let alone look for another job where he could actually see his children!

And if the ex is such a bitch and an unfit mother, why has he not been fighting for custody since he left? Why has he not insisted on DNA testing if fatherhood is in doubt?

If the ex is such a drunken, cock-hungry slut, why would she not be happy with the previous arrangement? She can still go out and get drunk in that instance. Could it be that she was actually trying to set boundaries and give her children some level of consistancy, rather than be fucked around with the "oh, well, we might have the kids this week, but it might not be for 3 weeks" kind of bollocks.

I would LOVE to hear her side of this. I bet we'd hear a very different story. But even from your bias, he's clearly a total failure as a father and as a man.

Whatever his 'career' is, it involves working 4 days on/4 off and 3 on/5 off - so not an oil rig worker, or on cruise ships. And He works shifts and is often off on school days, so the only reason that he can't go and see his children midweek is because his wife moved 40 ish miles away so DP says that's too far for midweek contact.

Sigh. I searched OP's other threads, I was looking for the one I vaguely remembered and had posted on. I found it, and was reminded of all the rest of this man's unbe-fucking-lievable twattishness angry.

So - as at 31-Jan-13 -
"... At present we do not live together, though we have been together for 3 years. I love him and trust him and have around £10,000 in savings - he works away and lives in work accomodation (free) so that he can pay off his debts. If I paid the ones accruing interest [around £10,000, wiping out OP's savings] for him then we could move in together and would be very happy. ... He has never once suggested that I pay them for him. I just feel a bit of a meanie that I could pay them for him, but am not even though it is keeping us from living together which I very much want to do. AIBU?"
So, they're not 'living together' because 'he works away and lives in work accomodation (free)' - but he seems to be staying over at OP's whenever he's not away. I am really wondering if this translates into OP paying for everything while he cocklodges because he can always argue that they aren't living together. I really hope I have got that wrong, I really do. But since she has also said (11-Jan-13) "I'm not financially reliant on him", I'm not sure that I am.

And his ex is not his ex-wife, because they are still fucking married!

(11-Jan-13) "He has made a start to the divorce as it's his new years resolution to become divorced but doubt it'll be finalised this year as he doesn't know where his wife is etc and she's likely to make it difficult." Who, FFS, makes getting divorced a New Year's Resolution?!? And there's an excuse we haven't seen yet on this thread, he can't see his kids since he doesn't know where they are.

He does naff-all when he is at the OP's (02-Feb-13). OP is 'on' 24/7 with her youngest (HIS DD) who is a bit of a velcro baby. This DD will settle with him as long as OP is out of sight, so what does he do? Well, as an example - "I would like time to go to the gym while elder daughter is at school and DP said he'll have baby but he'd stay at gym and wait (I.e keep walking in to see me, then baby gets upset etc)."

It gets worse.

(11-Feb-13) - "We would both like one, perhaps two, more babies ... in an ideal world I would like to be home with baby until they are at least 2.5/3 years old. DP would not be willing to support me financially to do this ... I was considering that we could try for one now/soon and so be at home with them while I complete my degree, then do my PGCE when they are 2.5/3 years old. I have enough savings to be able to support myself to be able to do this. DP puts in little input about what he thinks we should do; he agrees that ideally I'd be home with baby til 2.5/3 years but isn't willing to support me in doing so."

"I think the problem is he pretty much sees the childcare as my problem/expense and whether I stay home for 2.5/3 years or pay full-time nursery fees then either way it's bloody expensive!" (so I'm presuming OP would be paying the nursery fees herself. And I imagine he sees the childcare for his other children as his wife's problem, hence his lack of effort to see them.).

" I would also be happy to work if he could be a sahd but his career is very important to him - and also makes it impossible to support me in mine."

I wouldn't normally gather quotes from several threads like this, but I really think that there's a need for 'the big picture' here. His awful behaviour to his children by his wife is only one aspect of this man, there is also his awful behaviour to his DD by the OP, and his awful behaviour to the OP herself. He's just all-round awful.

alisunshine29, you have got such a lot on your plate right now. You are studying for a degree, working part-time, have a 5 year old and a demanding 8 month old. You do all the domestic chores, are woken repeatedly in the night by your baby, and IIRC there are problems with the plumbing in your flat which causes you extra hours of cleaning up. There are not enough hours in the day right now and you must be exhausted. Is this why this man's awfulness has managed to sneak under your twat-radar?

Oh, and as a cynical thought - timewise, his stopping seeing his older children must pretty much coincide with you becoming pregnant by him. Cynical me wonders if, having you tied to him by pregnancy, he felt he no longer needed to keep up the pretense of being a good dad.

Although it is possible that your radar is starting to twitch, alisunshine29.

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 21:42:42

Oh God, OP, you poor thing.

I don't normally like the 'previous thread' thing, but in laying it all out, WhereYouleftIt has done you a favour.

You need to draw breath and draw away from this.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 21:43:02

thank you Dontmind for drawing our attention to this post:

alisunshine29 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:50:14
"Ex wants DP to have normal contact (midweek and every other weekend) but he works shifts which will not change and has 3 weekends off in a row about every 6 weeks. She moved 40 ish miles away so DP says that's too far for midweek contact."

My 12yo ds who has a chronic joint condition and suffers pain from sitting still in a car will happily travel twice that distance and back in an afternoon to cheer up his grandma in her nursing home- and yet a grown man can't do half the distance in order to keep in contact with his own children!

OP, you are just being used by this man, like his children are being used. It is not your fault, but at the point where you excuse and enable his behaviour it does become your responsibility.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 21:47:54

WOW, What a prize catch this guy is......he sounds like a complete arsehole, who jumps from woman to woman, taking what he can get.

Dozer Sun 24-Feb-13 21:55:41

He sounded bad enough from the OP, but shock at the info and analysis from whereyouleftit.

Wake up OP, and LTB!

oh god that is tragic to read!

he's just a total cocklodger - walked out on one lot of kids, got another woman pregnant and yet refuses to 'live' with her re: pay bills or share responsibilities yet cocklodges there whenever he is off work.

he is a vile, misogynistic, selfish toad of a man.

please god wake up and do not get pregnant again by this man and get him the hell away from your dd. where is father no.1 in all of this btw?

how old are you OP?

and please god tell me you haven't paid this man's debts off!

that'd be the last you'd see of him once you were totally wiped out.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 24-Feb-13 22:05:08

Another one here saying LTB, sunshine.

He sounds like a real prize, as a partner and a dad.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 22:09:40

He is the kind of person who flits around giving people the sob sorry, guilting people to help him, he makes children and then finds excuses not to see them.

He is a total waste of space!!!!

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 22:11:51

O god. This is just awful, awful. What a waste of the op's life. How do these men just get away with it over, and over again?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 22:16:43

Spero Because they are so damn charming and convincing, women think they couldnt possibly lie and its gotta be someone elses fault. Hes a sociopath, hes charming, convincing, now the OP is starting to wonder, but she kinda doesnt wanna believe it, because believing it, means shes been sucked in.

the op's and her first child's life sadly.

that little girl's home has turned into a cocklodgers stopover pad. not to mention her getting 'used' during the luring op in stage by getting all the kids to hang out together sad

the 'never had an argument' thing is so deeply tragic - all of this shit behaviour and lack of contribution and all the rest of it and the OP has never once disagreed with him or voiced her concerns. probably instinctively she knows not to argue because he'd just fuck off.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:18:50

Hi,OP back for further slating...

He is a firefighter, to answer your question. He says he asked for flexible working but whether it's true or not I'm not sure after hearing you all insist he'd get it. My eldest has regular contact with her father for whoever asked that, though I'm not sure why that's relevant. No I haven't paid his debts off for him.
Have had to grit my teeth massively in front of the kids tonight - youngest DD was laughing at elder one being silly and he said 'please let Me always be their dad.' Just felt screaming that no one is stopping him being his first children's dad, he just needs to get off his arsed and do something!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 22:22:17

Ali Scream it, because the only one that stops him, is himself, men go through hell to see there kids, because they cant live without them, you DP just doesnt have that passion.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:22:46

Please don't paint me to be a tragic, needy walkover - I am far from it. I would, and indeed do, cope just fine without him. It's me who has said he isn't moving in til he's sorted his kids/divorce/debts.

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 22:24:45

Firefighter - he can ask for shifts that allow him to see his DCs on a regular timetable.

His mates at work would back him up.

alisunshine29, I am absolutely NOT going to slate you! Having read all your threads, my heart goes out to you. You are working so hard for your children and for their future, and it is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT that he is what he is. But you have been heartlessly conned by a despicable person. I am so sorry sad.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:27:40

I can't talk about it in front of DD as if I mention them then she'll be upset and keep asking when we can see them. What he also doesn't seem to understand is that his not seeing his first children will also impact on his relationship with my/our children - they'll have little if any respect for him and resent not having sibling relationships because of him.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:28

WhereYouLeftIt thanks for bringing the OP's other posts to our attention.

It's at this point where I feel I need to apologise to you OP, as I've been quite harsh. I still agree that your DP is a twat with regard to his behaviour towards his kids but after reading WYLI's copy and paste of your previous threads, I have to say that things are a lot more complex than you stated in your OP. Your DP seriously is a twat of the highest order - not only does he ignore his eldest two kids but he doesn't live with you, is still married, doesn't pull his weight when he stays with you, expects you to do all the child care, housework etc, is mean to your 5yo DD, refuses to support you while you train and won't contribute to child care costs so you can work.

I totally agree with the poster who called him a cocklodger - that's exactly what he is. However I think that you're so used to this situation and scared wary of bringing it up, that it just continues. Kind of like a version of Stockholm Syndrome. You don't want him to 'leave' (in inverted commas as you don't live together) and treat you the same way as he treats his ex and their kids, so you just put up and shut up. You vilify his ex in order to try and convince yourself that he left her because she's a slag/drunk/bitch and you're none of those things so he won't leave you.

The sad thing is, you'd actually be better off on your own. He'd pay maintenance and you wouldn't have to put up with his cocklodging or shockingly unsupportive attitude but you know full well he wouldn't make the effort to see your DC.

Personally I'd say you need to LTB, and I don't say that lightly. But whatever you do, don't have another baby with this 'man'. This will not end well, sorry.

And you are not a tragic needy walkover. The sort of person who does what he has done are devious and able to find the correct buttons to push on their target. In your case, he pushed the 'I am a good dad' button (among others no doubt). They are clever and plausible in their excuses, so that you are left feeling as if you are unreasonable to question what they say/do. But it's hard to keep up the pretense forever, and after 4 years his mask is starting to slip, possibly because he thinks it's not needed any more, he's hooked and landed you sad. IT IS ALL HIS FAULT. But a part of you knew that already, it was just kept pushed under by his lies and reassurances.

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 22:33:33

I have a lot of sympathy for you now too, OP. But I still think your love for him is blinding you, and making you minimise what a shit he is being to his first two DC, and what a shit he is being to you.

Please don't paint me to be a tragic, needy walkover - I am far from it. I would, and indeed do, cope just fine without him. It's me who has said he isn't moving in til he's sorted his kids/divorce/debts.

But what are you getting from him, OP? You're the mother of his child. He should be helping to support her and you financially, and doing a MUCH bigger share of the childcare than he is currently doing, especially since you are studying for a degree.

I can see what he's getting from you: free part-time room and board, and free childcare. What you're getting from him is much less clear.

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 22:34:44

Maybe you should think about moving this thread to Relationships, where you'll get better support, and less harshness than on AIBU.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 22:36:06

Please don't have any more children with him. For yours and their sake.

And I think part of his leaving everything for you to do is also deliberate, not just laziness. It keeps you on the point of exhaustion, where it is very difficult to summon the strength to question anything, or even see it at all.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 22:37:39

Great catch you've got there.

All he needs to do is have his kids every other weekend but I expect after 16 months of nothing the mother of these children won't be keen on that happening without some serious effort on his behalf

And it will be his own fault, but I expect he will find many excuses to not take responsibility for his own actions. With people like that its always everybody else's fault.

Next time he try's to use his own failings to guilt you try actually telling him that he's in the predicament he's in now because of his own piss poor behaviour. Parents who act like parents get treated like parents ones who can't do that don't and they are the only people who can change that not the parent who gets left to pick up the pieces they leave in there wake.

you don't get free accommodation as a firefighter you get a space to sleep whilst you're on duty. where is he actually 'living'? as in, where is his stuff, where does he pay bills, etc? is he actually living at your house but claiming he lives at work?

OP i don't think you are tragic i think the situation is tragic and how much you have bent over backwards with love for this user who doesn't deserve it.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 22:39:03

You have got to know you are worth more than this? Your children certainly are.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 22:39:31

Do you think the reason he hid at the swimming pool might have been that he thought his FIL might tell you a few home truths about your partner?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 24-Feb-13 22:40:09

Cross-posted with lots of posts.

OP, I just need to say that my ex used to say things like 'I'll never cheat on you, you know' but he did. He also said 'You'll let me be a dad to this baby, won't you?' when he was leaving me for the OW. Of course I said yes, as I wanted DS to have his dad in his life. He was the one who chose not to be involved. These men, they say all sorts of things, then in the next breath it's forgotten. No doubt my ex said the same to the OW and probably to other women since. He's probably slagged me off and painted me as a money-grabbing psycho bitch from hell (I'm none of those things) because that's what men like this do. Your 'D'P will say things like that to draw you in, especially if he thinks you're starting to come out of his spell.

And as for the post a bout him wanting to get your DD to sleep through so he can get more sex, well words fail me. What a pig of a man you're entangled with OP. Question is, what are you going to do about it?

entirely possible ghoul.

Good point GhoulWithADragonTattoo.

OP he can't even take responsibility for his own child for 15 minutes so that your dd can have a story with her mummy at bedtime. THAT is how selfish and uncaring and disgusting he is.

he can't sit in the living room with his baby for a quarter of an hour to let a five year old have her mummy to herself for a tiny bit of time.

wake up to what he is. even just that fact should tell you everything you need to know about him.

he doesn't have contact with those kids because he doesn't want to. he doesn't even want to spend 15minutes with your baby - how the hell would he take care of two young children for whole weekends? he doesn't want to.

MustafaCake Sun 24-Feb-13 22:46:41

HR person here....

Your DP does have the right to request to work flexibly in order to have regular time for his kids. This is NOT just a walk in and ask the boss for weekends off type of thing though.

It is a formal request and will be explained further in the Fire Services' flexible working policy. His union rep will be able to assist him in making his request - it should be made to HR and his manager in writing and there is a process set down in law which must be followed.

If he really wants the changes, he should head off any argument his employer could use to turn down his request, there are 8 business reasons they can turn down his request www.gov.uk/flexible-working/after-the-application

But he hasn't done this has he? And he won't do either as he is a selfish twat of the highest order who doesn't give a shit about his kids.

What exactly is it that you like about this man?

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 22:49:32

My opinion hasn't changed. He's a fuckwit of the highest order of fuckwittery.

I think the ex is lucky to have him out of her life, and probably would be quite happy for him to disappear in to the distance (and start sponging off yet another woman) leaving her children without his horrible influence in their lives.

Grow some balls and ditch this arse. If not for yourself, but for your children's sake.

how was life when you met him OP? were you happy? secure? self confident? what was it you saw in him and made you able to overlook all of this stuff? or was it that this stuff only emerged once you were pregnant and needed to believe he was perfect/it would all be wonderful?

i think you need to do some reflection on this whole thing.

I expect that he looked absolutely great to the OP when she met him, swallowedAfly. He'd have made very sure of that.

PatriciaHolm Sun 24-Feb-13 23:01:47

"he said 'please let Me always be their dad."

He's already setting you up for a future in which he's not around. For when you wise up, and he moves on to the next younger victim, and tells her you are mad/mean/vindictive etc and won't fall over yourself to give him access on his terms.

Come on; what do you actually get out of this relationship?

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:08:33

I am coping with a lot alone and yes, I'm exhausted. Talk is always of how it 'will be' but it feels so far away. He isn't charming and devious, he's weak and fears confrontation more than losing his children.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:12:21

The thing is, if we were separated I would give him contact on his terms if that was working for the children. Having a years notice of dates to plan around would be fine by me.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 23:13:13

When they are weak, believe me, they stay weak. That way, they never have to take responsibility. It sounds as though it would be less exhausting without him, at least then you won't be held to ransom to a future that likely doesnt exist.

Weak selfish men just carry on, until they have run out of victims.

OptimisticPessimist Sun 24-Feb-13 23:16:22

I'm pretty sure that if you split, no matter how reasonable you were he'd find a way to stop seeing the child/ren you have together and make it your fault.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 23:16:24

His way won't work for the children because he's not interested in there needs he's only interested in his own so he will keep chopping and changing moving the goal posts until you snap because its actively harming the children and then he can do exactly the same and blame you for his lack of commitment to his kids.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 23:17:19

You're deluding yourself if you think that he will be any different with your children than he is with his other children. He doesn't want to see them, that's why he has no contact. Everything else is just a piss poor excuse to make you think that he is the one that is hard done by and the victim. He'll find plenty of excuses to not see your children, and he'll be telling the next patsy who he manages to knock up all the same things that he told you. WAKE UP!

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 23:25:42

He may be 'weak', but he's not doing too badly for a weak person.

He doesn't have to do any looking after his own DC; his wife and his girlfriend (you!) are doing that for him. He's also able to stay at yours on a regular basis without contributing to finances, domestic duties, etc.

The stance of being 'weak' is allowing him to get away with a hell of a lot. He sits around passively, doesn't divorce his ex, doesn't parent his DC, doesn't lend you a hand around the house.

He is going to keep being like this until you stop letting him get away with it. You aren't responsible for the way he's dumped his first two DC, but you're responsible for the way he's treating you and your DDs. You're LETTING him do it.

It sounds to me like you effectively have three DC instead of two.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 24-Feb-13 23:56:11

My dad is a weak man: I suspect that my stepmother was responsible for our relationship, not him. She warned me when he divorced her for an OW that it would be up to me to maintain contact.

He calls me once every 2 or 3 years. I despise his weakness.

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 00:48:55

He's not weak he's a shit and unfortunately it looks like you're in line to be the next woman he uses.

BratinghamPalace Mon 25-Feb-13 01:40:20

OP I am going to sign off but just wanted to wish you luck with all of this. It seems to me that he landed on his feet with you. Cannot be easy to have the world thrown at you on this thread and all through you stood your ground and seemed to face it head on. You showed a lot of courage. Now you have so much to reflect on. If a man won't hold his baby for 15 minutes, not only but manipulates you by making her cry then I think you have all your answers. Your future should be about you and your DCs. However you implement that I wish you the best of luck.

" He isn't charming and devious, he's weak and fears confrontation more than losing his children."
He appears to be is whatever it takes to get what he wants. Which seems to be living a life with no responsibilities. What confrontation could he possibly fear with a woman who wants him to see his children every other weekend and midweek? She didn't stop him having access, he did that. Please please please, look at what he does rather than listen to what he says.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 25-Feb-13 01:50:25

What on earth are you getting out of being with this man, OP?

WhatKindofFool Mon 25-Feb-13 07:22:04

The mother sounds like an idiot but the father has not fought for his kids. The 2 year old will have forgotten him. Unfortunately, I've seen fathers behave like this before. In fact, I had an ex boyfriend who had behaved in a similar way. He had his excuses and I wanted to see the good in him so I fell for them. He turned out to be someone who was lacking in basic human qualities in many other aspects of his life and was very destructive to many other people around him as a result. He was a total coward who put his own needs way ahead of anyone else's.

now that I see him for who he really is I despise him.

WhatKindofFool Mon 25-Feb-13 07:36:17

I've just read the posts about a "cocklodger". Great expression! This ex of mine was one of those too. He also left me with no warning and with serious financial problems which were incurred because of him.

he's a vampire basically. or as my friend says - in life there are drains and radiators.

some people add to life, some people just take away and will suck the life out of anyone willing to offer them a jugular to sink their teeth into.

pinkyredrose Mon 25-Feb-13 15:35:05

How are you today OP?

WilsonFrickett Mon 25-Feb-13 17:11:31

He's not weak at all. I suspect you need to think that he is weak because then you can 'fix' him. But he's not weak, his manipulative. I also suspect he hid from the FIL because the FIL would have looked right through him and walked right past him - why on earth would the FIL want him in his GC's life? - but that wouldn't fit in with the view of himself he wants you to have.

Samu2 Mon 25-Feb-13 17:33:56

You had children with this man?

I am amazed that my dad has managed to father 14 children he doesn't see. His partners all assumed that he would be different with their children.

Ha, what a joke!

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