To feel stronger as a wife than as a girlfriend or partner

(44 Posts)
Beaverfeaver Fri 22-Feb-13 23:01:46

Just in my own mind of course.

But since grtting married and becoming a wife I have felt empowered to do or request things I wouldn't have nessecarily done or felt I could do otherwise

For example: a car we bought a year ago was mid sold to us and we have been fighting ever since for some sort of compensation, refund or other.
When I say we, I mean he.
However, I realised, companies are often more scared of the wife than they are of a complaining husband.

It might not be the case for all but I feel sometimes that women can often be more articulate that their male counterparts.

And I have proved myself in the past two weeks.

I reopened a complaint that was never resolved to my satisfaction with a holiday company last year. One phone call of me explaining Bucky that I was the disappointed wife and that I felt that mg husbands case had unfairly been dismissed.
A week later we receive a letter of credit for the holiday.

Then with the car. My husband has been meeting up with the dealer on and off for over 11 months to come to a suitable resolution to no avail.
I have sent a politely worded email, expressing disgust at the way the complaint was handled, received an email back immediately telling me the company would not move on the matter and so have forwarded the dispute to trading standards, who today confirmed that we are in the right and that they will be taking our case on.

I feel empowered.

As someone who was very nervous and unworthy of taking the 'wife' title, I think I have done well so far.

Just need to see if the request for a payrise from my employer is fruitful for it to be a hat trick


Don't let those bastard companies get away with it!

Beaverfeaver Fri 22-Feb-13 23:04:38

And yes - maybe trading standards might not get the resolution we are looking for, but it certainly shows the garage that we aren't willing to give up on the matter and that we aren't scared of taking things further.

I will be satisfied once trading standards tell me there is nothing more that can be done (or that they come back with a successful claim of conpensation!)

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 23:07:15


HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 23:08:35

Really? I've always been more than capable of dealing with my own financial issues and I'd not have married a weak man who looked to me to sort out his problems.

Bobyan Fri 22-Feb-13 23:09:54

So you need a man signing the same piece of paper as you to make you feel empowered. Errr okay then.

Lifeissweet Fri 22-Feb-13 23:10:54

Very odd

SoleSource Fri 22-Feb-13 23:11:11

You mean you were hiding your true self for the wedding ring. hmm

GloryWhole Fri 22-Feb-13 23:11:54

Erm...i've been a wife, i've been a girlfriend, i've been a partner - can't say i felt 'stronger' having the label of 'wife'. But i've also never been with a man who would put up with having to meet someone on and off for 11 months to resolve an issue!

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Feb-13 23:12:30

What on earth does any of that have to do with you being a wife? confused

Beaverfeaver Fri 22-Feb-13 23:12:41

As I said above, it might be just me. He bought the car, he booked the holiday, he dealt with the consequences and I didn't want to tread on toes.
Now I feel I can take control.

I have been a weak character in the past so I was just sharing at how far I feel I have come, a d hopefully will no slip back into my old ways of being afraid of big multi billion pound companies

HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 23:13:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 23:14:30

misread your line there - have reported my post on account of it grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick

poachedeggs Fri 22-Feb-13 23:14:47

Boggling here.

Bobyan Fri 22-Feb-13 23:15:02

So your self confidence is reliant on being married.
This tread is unintentionally depressing.

Beaverfeaver Fri 22-Feb-13 23:16:17

My intimidation from earlier days is not something i am proud of

I am confident now

On my own and as a pair, and it hasn't been easy.

Small steps as they say, and there is still some way for me to go until I am fully comfortable without that niggling feeling that I am not strong enough to sort these things out

CloudsAndTrees Fri 22-Feb-13 23:20:48

I understand where you are coming from. I think.

I feel something more than I used to feel when talking to people who I used to feel patronised by, but I'm not quote sure that empowered describes it. Maybe in some way stronger, or more likely to be taken seriously, but I wouldn't say I've ever been weak or felt threatened in any way. I look younger than I am, so I think being a mrs makes others see me as less of a young girl and more of a woman.

Beaverfeaver Fri 22-Feb-13 23:21:09

Bobyan : I was a very confident child.
I then got into situations that I blamed myself for. Was gang raped and refused to accept that it wasn't 100% my fault.
That was over 10 years ago and I never realised back then how much it would affect me for years to come.
I lost confidence in everything.
I have been building it up for 10 years and I can honestly say that the last 2 years have been the first time I have felt myself and strong enough as a person again.
I hid from the world, hid from friends, even from family.

Now I feel unstoppable and I hope no one takes that away from me ever again

RatPants Fri 22-Feb-13 23:21:49

Anything which helps your self confidence must be a positive.

But tying your self esteem up in how you define your relationship to someone else is dodgy ground. What if (entirely for example's sake) he went through some kind of crisis and left you, through no fault of your own? That's your entire identity crumbled. You'd have to start again from scratch.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 22-Feb-13 23:22:19

Beaver, why can't you feel empowered as a woman, or person? Why does your marital status come into it? Sorry to piss on your chips, but us single people have to be strong and fight our corners alone ALL the time.
Agree - unintentionally depressing.

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 23:23:40

I agree -take credit for your own accomplishments rather than attributing them to your marriage

sarahseashell Fri 22-Feb-13 23:24:43

although good for you of course having come through traumatic circumstances

RedHelenB Fri 22-Feb-13 23:28:30

I found the opposite - I felt more empowered & independent when I divorced cos I HAD to do things myself (like drive long distances whereas before I was perfectly happy to let ex do it) I hadn't realised quite how much I'd let go of the reins as it were, it's very easy to get reliant on someone.

Bobyan Fri 22-Feb-13 23:30:11

And what happens to your confidence if your marriage doesn't work out...

flippinada Sat 23-Feb-13 08:50:42

Well personally, I feel more "empowered" (bloody irritating buzz word) at being able to sort things out by myself and being independent.

Why do you need a man to give you confidence?

flippinada Sat 23-Feb-13 08:55:02

Sorry to hear you've have such a traumatic time beaver, it takes a lot to recover from something like that.

I think you should give yourself credit for that - not meant snippily!

StillSeekingSpike Sat 23-Feb-13 09:04:25

Of course, the even more depressing conclusion is that SOME bastard companies are quite willing to treat single women like shite.

Beaver- as said above - give yourself credit. You were never 'unworthy' to be a wife, or to be treated as less than very precious and important by anyone- whatever yor marital status.

carabos Sat 23-Feb-13 09:09:44

nervous and unworthy of taking the "wife" title hmm.
unworthy ? Words fail me.

ChestyLeRoux Sat 23-Feb-13 09:13:25

I sort of get what you mean as people do treat you significantly different if your married.I have always found it really funny as as soon as me or dh have said we are married people see us as sensible,someone to look up to,people say why cant you be like chesty and dh they are so responsible etc.

Lovelygoldboots Sat 23-Feb-13 09:15:57

I think your feelings of strength have come from surviving traumatic incidents in your life and recognizing that you deserve to be happy. And you clearly now can deal with sorting out those messy annoying bits of life. You are more independent than you think.

HoobleDooble Sat 23-Feb-13 09:29:50

I sort of get what you mean OP, I didn't marry until my mid 30s and had dealt with 'life' on my own pretty well up until then, bought houses, cars, fought my corner at work etc. But now I'm married I feel a type of security in my relationship that I didn't have before, which in turn makes me feel stronger in other areas of my life.

hwjm1945 Sat 23-Feb-13 09:46:18

I know what she means. Society does seem to t as me 'wife' more seriously than partner.rightly or wrongly,with her past history this prob helps her validate self.hopefully after fee years of it she will be confident enough to not need this crutch

usualsuspect Sat 23-Feb-13 09:53:17

I don't think it's anyone's business what my marital status is.So no I don't understand your op.

usualsuspect Sat 23-Feb-13 09:55:45

In fact the thought of being taken more seriously because I'm someone's wife is wrong on so many levels.

mameulah Sat 23-Feb-13 10:10:05


I totally agree with you. Enjoy it!

Fightlikeagirl Sat 23-Feb-13 10:14:05

Glad you've come through your difficulties Beaver
Good for you.

zwischenzug Sat 23-Feb-13 10:19:26

If that's what gives you strength, then good for you, make the most of it. Some people believe that an invisible man in the sky gives them strength, and the consensus amongst most people is that that is totally normal, so nothing wrong with you taking strength for something more tangible.

Guitargirl Sat 23-Feb-13 10:27:57

I think it'a wonderful that you have more confidence now and feel stronger.

But please don't credit that to being someone's wife. Do you honestly think that it matters one tiny ounce to those companies that it's Mrs somebody who is complaining on behalf of Mr Somebody?

I have seen women who put their entire sense of identity into their relationship (married or not) and have seen what happens to that identity when that relationship breaks down. Don't become that person.

seeker Sat 23-Feb-13 10:32:30

And they say the's no need for feminism any more.......

PrettyKitty1986 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:59:26

Df isn't very good at arguing via the phone, whereas I am any call centre workers nightmare and usually manage to get what I want smile

I frequently deal with things for df and no wedding ring in sight smile

LahleeMooloo Sat 23-Feb-13 13:19:14

Actually I've always taken my strength and sense of independence from being alone for many years (apart from throw away relationships) and being a single parent. There are many times when I've WANTED someone to rely on, and I haven't had them, so I've had to sort it out. That makes me feel empowered and capable and I like seeing how much I've grown over the years and how I've done things along I didn't think possible. I know what whatever happens with men, I will always be fine because I have such a strong inner core from being alone.

SilverOldie Sat 23-Feb-13 14:11:39

I feel strong as a single person. Independent, self-reliant, self motivated, not reliant on anyone else who may or may not let me down.

ElliesWellies Sat 23-Feb-13 16:44:37

Seems to me you are mixing up wife with woman.

You are saying companies seem to take women more seriously. I don't agree with that anyway, but where does marital status come into it?

I am glad you feel confident, but basing your confidence purely on your relationship to someone else could lead to problems later on.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 23-Feb-13 17:05:16

i disagree, im a partner. not a fiance or wife and i manage to be articulate and ask for what i want. i make the phone calls to buisness, i deal with complaints not because im a woman but because im better at laying out what has gone wrong and what needs to be done. I think that dp would see it as too much hassle and leave it be if he had to speak to someone for any length of time hes more of an emailer.

Id be the same ballsy cow if i were a wife, partner or single though.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 17:11:47

So you are trying to say that you are percieved as stronger now you are married?

I wanted to disagree in the most uncertain terms but i hated being a "miss" it sounded quite vulnerable. But my DP didn't want to get married so I did a PhD instead blush Embarrased to admit taht that was genuinely one of the reasons i did it!

My DP does tend to leave the arguing to me though - im far better at it than he is and he calls me his rotweiller grin But ive always been a bit of a bolshie bitch to be honest. Which is weird because i have zero self confidence.

I dont think it is a depressing thread - I am a strong woman who suffers from anxiety disorder (go figure!) and I definately feel stronger in a partnership where i get support and comfort. Im not married though. I dont think its about being "married" its about having someone who is there for you.

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