Am I a bad friend, or is she a bridezilla?

(33 Posts)
Illustrationaddict Fri 22-Feb-13 22:33:20

I just need to get something off my chest, and get a non-biased reaction.

A close friend got engaged just before Christmas and I was thrilled for her. I've offered to help her with a few things, as she was really helpful in my wedding, and a mutual friends & we wanted to repay the favour.

Now b2b has taken to booking wedding appointments, but rather than asking her friends if we can come, has been sending rather blunt text messages telling us of the appointments and telling us to turn up. I have tbh and say I don't like it when people assume like this, and it's really narked me. Both myself and a close friend have young babies, and she's been scheduling multiple appointments for us, no consideration for towing a baby around for hours. I'm close to speaking my mind, but I know I'll get 'you've had your day and you're being selfish about mine' response. This is absolutely not true, I love helping with occasions like this, but am not liking her attitude. Help! How can I diplomatically deal with her, she was lovely before she got engaged!

CheddarGorgeous Fri 22-Feb-13 22:35:35

YANBU if she is normally reasonable then she is maybe just getting carried away. A gentle word over a coffe or glass of wine?

YouTheCat Fri 22-Feb-13 22:35:38

Just tell her you're going to find it difficult with the baby and could she reschedule so that there's no more than one appointment a day.

CheddarGorgeous Fri 22-Feb-13 22:35:46

*coffee

minibmw2010 Fri 22-Feb-13 22:39:16

Obviously her just booking and assuming attendance is not great, but how young are the babies? Maybe she just assumes its fine for them to come? I only found taking my DS anywhere to be difficult once he got to about 8/9 months and wanted to be more mobile.

AnyoneforTurps Fri 22-Feb-13 22:40:22

She is BU but, if this is out of character as you say, it's probably just because she is over-excited. Don't react emotionally, just keep it really factual - "sorry, I can't make that date but would love to come along another day; give me a call so we can sort out times that suit everybody".

Whoknowswhocares Fri 22-Feb-13 22:42:08

A bit self centred maybe but if shes generally nice then she prob has got a bit carried aŵay and will be fine if gently reminded. Just explain that you need her to check with you before arranging and not book lots all at one and should be problem solved

HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 22:42:52

To me, texts are often blunt.

withou knowing how many friends and how many baies - can you try and imagine orgaising time when everyone is free?

Far easier to give a date and time and let everyone work to it.

Bridezilla? maybe, sensible, definately

To throw a different perspective - six of us decided to go for a meal, one is vegan, I picked a restaurant that does a vegan option. Everyone happy? I thought I'd covered all bases, one other person then decided that it would be fairer that an email cascade went out with a majority vote restaurant. Cue: 2 weeks of buggering about with times, dates, menu.

My point being, you will never satisfy all the people all of the time - give a date, venue and time - its stops all the if/buts.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Feb-13 22:43:56

Is she just sending a generic text to all of you at once?

I don't think you're being unreasonable being miffed by it, but I would just let it go and focus on what you've had in the past with her and what you'll have in the future when everything's back to normal.

It is a really stressful time and I suppose it's possible some people justify acting in a way they wouldn't normally, thinking that people will understand because they understand how difficult it is 'organising' so many people at once.

Be calm and reply the the person you know her to be, ignoring everything else smile

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Feb-13 22:46:55

I thought that Holly grin

The btb is probably just sending out the text then holding her breath/crossing her fingers that everyone will just jig themselves together and it'll all go off without a hitch.

Illustrationaddict Fri 22-Feb-13 23:12:09

Thanks ladies, really puts things in perspective. Just to give a few details, there are only 4 in our little circle, inc b2b, and we have a 3 month old and a 9 month old. I take on Holly's point about the restaurant, but tb faire we've arranged get together s which have been dare I use the word sabotaged in favour of dress fittings, so our restaurant has been switched under our nose! I guess I'm going to have to give her the next few appointments and subtly hint that it is very difficult with a 9 month old, maybe she'll get the hint if my baby has a few tantrums in her presence? But yes you are right, I need to man up and state what I can attend and make it very clear the reasons why.

BackforGood Fri 22-Feb-13 23:17:18

What are all these "wedding appointments" for, that need to involve various friends ? confused

maddening Fri 22-Feb-13 23:18:55

You'll just have to start saying no to longer trips and when they aren't convenient.

Maybe those that need to attend the meetings state when they arw free and she chooses the mutually convenient one.

mum11970 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:21:54

What is a wedding appointment?

Illustrationaddict Fri 22-Feb-13 23:24:04

Dress fittings, wedding fairs etc. I have been to a wedding fair with her already, but it would seem she wants our group to attend several?

Illustrationaddict Fri 22-Feb-13 23:32:05

I only took my mum & mother in law to dress fittings & I remember I got carried away once and didn't say thank you to the shop lady and my mum slapped me right back down to earth and made me appolergise on the spot. I think I'm gonna have to take a leaf out of her book! ;)

Snazzynewyear Fri 22-Feb-13 23:34:25

It's asking a bit much. I would be surprised if everyone else can make all these appointments, never mind people with young babies. I think you should say that you will need notice of dates to arrange childcare. The just telling you when to turn up isn't on.

BackforGood Fri 22-Feb-13 23:52:13

I can't get my head around the idea of bands of friends going along to a dress fitting, or to multiple wedding fayres, even if they were all child free and had no other commitments. I wouldn't necessarily say it was 'bridezilla' though, just odd wink

NopeStillNothing Sat 23-Feb-13 02:06:37

Well as you haven't said anything to her yet, I can't really gage if she IBU or not. Her reasonableness(?) can only really be judged by how she reacts to people who can't make it IYSWIM

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 23-Feb-13 02:22:14

Cowardly but I'd just 'miss' 1 text in 3 and be enthusiastic about orders invitations that do give adequate notice. Take it in turns with your other pals to avoid wedding fatigue.

It's really exciting for her but it's asking a lot to crack the whip many months or weeks before the Big Day and expect everyone regardless of jobs or babies or life in general to leap to attention.

anonymosity Sat 23-Feb-13 02:32:36

YANBU - tell her what you say in your post. I had a friend who did very similar and because we all jumped through hoops to keep her happy (for however long before the wedding) she kept up the behavior and expectations THEREAFTER. Now, if nothing else, that is something to be avoided. Good luck.

Kundry Sat 23-Feb-13 08:56:50

More than one wedding fair? I went to one and it is one of the joys of being married that I shall never have to attend another.

She is milking it - helping with a few things does not mean join her in her bridezilla madness.

LadyGoneGaga Sat 23-Feb-13 09:48:21

In total I had one bridesmaid come to one wedding fair with me, a different one go bridesmaid dress shopping, and the other one went to look at wedding dresses with me (once). Plus the relevant dress fittings (for their dresses). So in total 2 appointments each at which I asked when they could make. I think she's being a bridezilla.

Illustrationaddict Sat 23-Feb-13 22:45:13

Ok, so to update situation. Went to 2 dress fittings and lunch with b2b and dd (dh away for weekend). Feel situation has sort of resolved itself. Whilst dd was fairly well behaved given long scheduled day, she did kick off a bit, and other ladies in group kept trying to help me keep her happy, as did quite a few of the bridal shop ladies. Result, attention deflected from b2b. Don't think she'll ask us along again, at least without checking dh is available to take dd.

bran Sun 24-Feb-13 00:17:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceeveebee Sun 24-Feb-13 00:20:42

Yes, I was wondering what all these appointments were and why friends needed. Other than 1 visit to 1 dress shop I didn't ask anyone to come and do anything to help plan our wedding , was mostly done on the Internet and on the phone anyway as we got married 250 MILs from where we live

ceeveebee Sun 24-Feb-13 00:21:30

Ha 250 miles, not MILs - 1 MIL is enough for me thank you

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 00:22:42

Not the resolution you were perhaps looking for.

What makes you think she'll not ask you again because she resented the attention being deflected from her?

Sounds as though the people helping to entertain your DD were doing it so the btb could get on with her dress fitting, wouldn't she be grateful for that so you could be there with her?

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 00:24:23

shock and <scared> at 250 MILs!

That would make for an interesting occasion wouldn't it? grin

Illustrationaddict Sun 24-Feb-13 00:33:33

I'm not a bridesmaid, just a close friend. I'm hopeful that after today's experience of shopping with my dd, it's dawned on b2b that shopping isn't fun for babies, and takes the attention off her. I think she'll check babysitter availability before she asks if I can come again! ;) Happy with this outcome!

Illustrationaddict Sun 24-Feb-13 00:38:43

Agent zigzag, think b2b is loving the attention tbh! ;)

AgentZigzag Sun 24-Feb-13 01:55:39

There's nothing wrong with 'expecting' (or needing) attention in some situations, and for others to give you it. The difference is between the people who demand it as part of your friendship with them, and those who have been caught up in the situation and are beyond their normal, reasonable boundaries.

By the sounds of how you've talked about her being a close friend and lovely, it's the latter.

But then, if you're expecting her to not like having her nose put out of joint by your baby being there, does that say anything about the way you feel about her realistically?

Illustrationaddict Sun 24-Feb-13 02:48:43

I don't mind giving her attention, think its quite natural to give a bride attention, I was just narked as since she's gotten engaged she has forgotten her manners a bit. Saying things like 'please could you come with me on these dates' or 'would you mind' would make a big difference. It's not just me, other friends have noticed this, but as I said, I think she acknowledged that shopping with a baby for several hours is hard work, and makes her bridal fitting experience less enjoyable having all her friends trying to entertain my dd rather than expressing how lovely the dresses look on her. I'd happily go with her again, but would just ask that she checked it was a time I could get a babysitter so dd isn't being towed round, and I can concentrate on helping her find the dress of her dreams. I really only want a tiny bit of consideration.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now