Are we in the wrong here?

(58 Posts)
Tiggs2 Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:50

Hello all, I am just after some advice/ opinions on this matter please. We have a 20 year old son who is on his second year at uni, and staying in a rented house monday to friday, then home at weekends. He works minimal hours on a Sat and Sun, then spends the rest of the time with his friends. He usually manages to get late morning or afternoon shifts so that he can stay out all ours of the night. We don't see much of him at all because he comes back over on a Friday evening but goes straight to his mates till the early hours, then he gets up on the Sat, goes to work and then goes out from there so generally we see him for about 15mins on the Sat, and maybe 20 mins on the Sunday night just before he goes back. He drives a car so generally he has all his freedom to do whatever he wants and we don't ask questions, but we have had to bail him out with money a couple of times. All we ask of him is to try not to disturb us as I am a light sleeper anyway. We have one rule though that when he stays here during the week, he doesn't come in too late as his dad has to get up at 6.30am and likes to wait for him to come home, so weekends are fine but not Sunday to Friday. Lately though when he is staying home during the week, he is stopping out for longer and once it gets to Midnight the stress levels start to rise here as we want him home so we can relax and go to bed. He has stayed here the last couple of Sunday nights and is supposed to get up Monday early, in order to go to Uni, but because he has stayed out so late ( after 1.30am) he stays in bed here until lunchtime, telling us lessons are cancelled or something simillar. There is now a row brewing because he came back over last night, we didn't see him, and when his dad text him to ask that he come home at a reasonable time, he said just carry on to bed and he won't disturb us when he comes in! His dad reminded him again that with it being midnight, and a Thursday, that he should be back home and that we would be having talks tonight. He then didn't come home at all, but stayed at a friends without letting us know! Our son wants to move home in May, and I am dreading it because he will just carry on as he is now, putting his social life before everything. When I mentioned all this causing problems he replied that he is 20 and not a kid anymore so if his friends stay out late then why can't he? We don't ask anything of him, be it rent, jobs, etc and always send him back to Uni with plenty of food, so are we being unreasonable?
P.S We can't ever see him doing a 9 to 5 job!!

lisad123everybodydancenow Fri 22-Feb-13 12:45:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Fri 22-Feb-13 12:49:05

He's 20. If you can't accept that then you are better off asking him. to move out

adeucalione Fri 22-Feb-13 12:52:24

I think you definitely need to get this sorted out before he moves back home in May.

I love the 'I'm not a kid anymore' argument, which doesn't wash really when he is relying on you for rent-free accommodation.

I would just sit down and have a talk with him - make your rules (and the sanctions for breaking those rules) absolutely clear.

At the least, he needs to be home before a certain time on a weekday, and he needs to text you if he is staying out. These rules are nothing to do with him being an adult or a child - it's basic courtesy. My DH would make sure he wasn't too late coming home on a weekday, and would text if his plans changed!

babanouche Fri 22-Feb-13 12:52:37

He's 20. That's what 20 yr olds do. I think you need to loosen the ties a bit. He'll come back to you in a couple of years.

coppertop Fri 22-Feb-13 12:52:52

Why on earth do you need to wait up for a 20yr-old? confused

I think you're all being unreasonable. You and your dh are treating him like a young teenager, but equally he has to accept that if he wants to stay living rent-free then he needs to follow some rules.

adeucalione Fri 22-Feb-13 12:53:19

And if he isn't taking his course seriously he should leave, get a job and start paying his way.

PicaK Fri 22-Feb-13 12:53:57

I'd def go with the view that this guy is an adult. There's nothing making your DH stay up.

But coming home from uni in the week is really odd. Part of the experience surely is that you leave home (not pop back every weekend and in the week).

Time for some tough love. Stressing that the door will always be opened in an emergency you need to say you don't want overnight visitors in the week.

Then you and DH need to agree what rent for May and present it to him now so it's not a shock later this year.

He is an adult - u need to say you know you've been treating him like a child. But these are the new rules.

BamBamAndPebbles Fri 22-Feb-13 12:54:41

Your house, your rules.

Though he is 20, so I think asking him to come home early is a bit mean tbh. He's at uni, he's working so he taking some responsibility at least.

The bailing him out with money I would probably stop doing if he isn't learning from his mistakes.

But he's an adult now and tbh it sounds though you're treating him like he's 15. I accept I may be in the minority with that thoughsmile

Startail Fri 22-Feb-13 12:55:45

Sorry a 20 year old has their own key and comes and goes as they like.
If you can't cope with that he needs his own place.

I lived at home for the year I was 20, I had a car, I came and went as I pleased. I did say when I'd be back as my Dad worries and this was long before mobiles, but my parents wouldn't comment on what time that was.

The last five months I lived at home my parents had, my now DH, sleeping over every other weekend and me vanishing 100 miles to his place the other.

DMum just wandered in and gave us breakfast in bed.

Trifle Fri 22-Feb-13 12:55:47

Presumably you dont wait up during the week for a text from him at Uni to say he has got home safely so you dont need to wait up for him at the weekends. I would absolutely hate it if my parents had waited up.

Bailing him out with money is another thing and I cant see that working minimal hours pays enough for him to stay out for so long.

Before he comes back in May you should set some ground rules ie, contributing towards keep, doing own laundry, advising you will not cater for him unless told otherwise etc. Forget the coming in at certain times, that's just onto a hiding to nothing.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 22-Feb-13 12:56:42

Of course it is your home and your rules.
But, your DS is an adult. I think rules about being quiet etc. when he comes in are fine, but I don't think you should impose a curfew.

What is the problem with him coming home when you and your DH are asleep?confused

mummymeister Fri 22-Feb-13 13:00:11

tbh you are still treating him like a child because he is still behaving like one. As long as you do this he will continue to do what he is doing. he wants all the advantages of being a child and all the advantages of being an adult. he needs to man up and understand how life works. if he lives at home he pays rent (in kind if necessary doing chores) and if it is your house your rules. you need to realise too that at 20 he isnt a teenager but a grown man and waiting up for him is not reasonable any more. get this sorted out or it will escalate and you will fall out with him. he is either at uni studying or he isnt. this goes a lot deeper than just coming in late and its time for a talk or you will be posting this same thing in 10 years time when he is 30!

Catsdontcare Fri 22-Feb-13 13:00:43

I think a curfew of midnight for a 20 year old is ridiculous tbh.

catlady1 Fri 22-Feb-13 13:02:39

You're not in the wrong as such, it's your house, but being 21 myself I can tell you the main reason I moved out was because I wasn't allowed to be out late (and begrudged paying £50 a week board for half a bedroom when I could have rented a whole flat for about £70), and missed out on a lot of birthdays, work dos etc as a result. We had a small house, I shared a room with my sister, and my dad would sleep downstairs when he had to be up early, so even though I was quiet on coming in I couldn't help but disturb people. They also liked to have the doors locked up properly before they went to bed. Obviously all totally reasonable, but for me it felt like I was missing out on being a normal teenager.

I don't really know what to suggest in your case, since your DS is studying and not earning much, but don't feel like you can't set rules for him in your own house. If he really doesn't like it he'll have to find a way around it.

dondon33 Fri 22-Feb-13 13:08:40

I can see your point OP but.....
He's an adult, I don't understand why someone needs to wait for him to come home - surely he has a key to let himself in.
Personally I'd lock up, go to bed and if he did make any more than minimum levels of noise (in the middle of the night) I'd give him hell the next morning or ask him to reconsider his living arrangements if he can't respect the rules.
I'm quite surprised he comes back so often if he's given a curfew.

MrsAmaretto Fri 22-Feb-13 13:18:48

What the fuck? You are all being unreasonable!

Why is your grown up son coming home from uni at the weekends? He should get a job at uni and be out with uni friends there.

Your husband is being ridiculous staying up for a 20year old to come home. Holy cow the boy could be in a proper job, married etc at this stage in his life.

If he wants to move back in may, you need to all get a grip. Charge a proper amount of rent, utilities, council tax, discuss rules about share of housework, cleaning, cooking etc. if he's going on the dole again you need set appropriate charges (50% + of most young people's income nowadays goes on bills). But you and your husband need to treat him as a responsible, grown up adult.

I'm afraid I've seen the likes of your son when I was at uni - didn't seem to realise they'd left 6th form, spent more time with old school friends than making new friends and taking all the social opportunities offerred. Basically stayed like an 18year old and didn't mature, then moved home for a cushy life with mum. I'm 33 and have heard of a couple who still get pissed with school pals at the weekend and life with mummy. Oh and they studied something useful like philosophy or fine art or media.

CartedOff Fri 22-Feb-13 13:30:17

He is 20 years old. You are extremely unreasonable to wait up for him and feel that you can't relax until he comes back. I understand it's your house but that sounds very overprotective and silly and I can see why he's sick of it. You need to let go a bit and stop being so clingy. 1:30 isn't really all that late.

However, it sounds like he needs to grow up with respect to the future and look for work and not assume he can just come back in May.

But on the matter of the curfew, YABU.

SirBoobAlot Fri 22-Feb-13 13:31:10

You're absurd in giving a 20 year old a curfew, and one of midnight at that! There is no need to stay up for him. So the complaining that your husband isn't getting enough sleep because he chose to stay up is a non-argument.

If I'd have been told to come home at midnight, I'd have stayed elsewhere too, firstly in a "well fuck you then" way, but also with a mind of, "I'm not going to get back before midnight, and that's when they want me back, so I'm better off staying elsewhere".

You're making this into an argument when it doesn't need to be.

Is he coming home for work and to see his friends?

EuroShaggleton Fri 22-Feb-13 13:32:07

You are being completely ridiculous. He's 20. Why on earth is your husband waiting up for him? He's a grown man. At 20 I was living hundreds of miles away in another country. When I was home, there was no curfew. My mum has since mentioned that she never slept properly until I was home, but she recognised this was not a reason to impose a curfew and was a bit silly as I was away from home for most of the year and then she didn't have a clue how late I was out.

YABU to expect a 20 yr old to be home by midnight.

Tiggs2 Fri 22-Feb-13 13:41:54

Thanks for all the replies, something to think about for now. I need to explain that my husband doesn't normally wait up each night, its generally only on a Sunday night because our son goes back then and he likes to see that he's ok and has everything, especially if we haven't seen anything of him all weekend. When he plans to move back in May, he will be living here rent free, so he can keep all of his student loan, though I wonder if he is bothered about going to Uni at all. The "curfew" is only during the week, I think he could make an effort to be in by 2am, and he has disturbed me a couple of times, and when he cannot find his key!!. We want him to try and be responsible, and expect him to try and get some extra work hours, especially if he is only studying "part time"

CailinDana Fri 22-Feb-13 13:45:52

Either you're ok with how he is, and live with him like that, charge him rent and treat him like a housemate, or have him move out completely. Treating him like a child isn't an option, he won't accept that, understandably.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Fri 22-Feb-13 13:50:16

YABU. He's 20, you can't set a curfew for him. And I'm guessing that when he's away at university you have no idea what time he arrives home.

I have a 19 yo in the first year of his degree - if I suggested he had to be home at specific times because I was waiting up for him he'd think I was losing the plot. I do tend to stay awake until he comes in, but that's my issue, not his.

DragonMamma Fri 22-Feb-13 13:52:42

YABU

I feel suffocated reading the op. Loosen the apron strings. He's 20 fgs, this is what most 20 yo men do.

Can you imagine the conversation at 11.50pm
'sorry lads, I've gotta go home now'
'Why's that?'
'errr, my old man likes to wait up to make sure I've got everything'
friends roll around laughing and take the piss forever more

zukiecat Fri 22-Feb-13 13:52:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsambition Fri 22-Feb-13 14:15:55

Lol totally OTT, go to bed he's an adult! this is how young men behave, just be glad he's not bringing the lads round for a few beers & the girls round for ........! Chill out

A bit of unreasonableness on all parts IMO.

Your husband really needs to stop waiting up for him, that's just silly and is treating your son like a child. Indeed, it's facilitating him STAYING a child. Your DH "likes to see that [DS is] ok and has everything, especially if we haven't seen anything of him all weekend." Seriously, if your 20 year old can't do that for himself by now then it's high time he learned.

You say "We want him to try and be responsible" - well, stop bailing him out financially and start bawling him out when he disturbs your sleep by forgetting his keys. He says he's an adult, treat him as such - no bailouts, and consideration for others expected.

"Our son wants to move home in May, and I am dreading it because he will just carry on as he is now, putting his social life before everything. When I mentioned all this causing problems he replied that he is 20 and not a kid anymore so if his friends stay out late then why can't he?"
OK, so he wants to move home. That doesn't mean that you have to let him, and certainly not on HIS terms. This is your home, he claims says he isn't a kid, so as an adult he can either pull his weight of find somewhere else. Perhaps he and his friends can share? And I really do suggest floating that idea to him - if he and they want to live a particular way that's fine, but they can pay for it themselves, not sponge off their parents. Under no circumstances should he be living rent-free come May. You need to make that clear. Very clear.

"He has stayed here the last couple of Sunday nights and is supposed to get up Monday early, in order to go to Uni, but because he has stayed out so late ( after 1.30am) he stays in bed here until lunchtime, telling us lessons are cancelled or something simillar. "
Again, you need to step up a bit here. Tell him you will not be lied to. Maybe suggest he shouldn't doss stay at yours'on Sunday any more as it is obviously interfering with his studies. Make it clear that if he isn't going to actually go to Uni, then you expect him to leave and get a job. And yes, tell him he's being childish.

"We don't ask anything of him, be it rent, jobs, etc and always send him back to Uni with plenty of food, so are we being unreasonable?"
Yes, you are being unreasonable, but not for the reasons you might think. You should be asking him for rent. You should be insisting he works to fund himself. You should be letting him decide what's his financial priority, whether to eat or socialise. These will help him to actually grow up, rather than find it far too easy to stay an adolescent. He needs to grow up, and you and your husband need to step back and let him.

gameday Fri 22-Feb-13 14:28:00

Your DH sounds more upset that DS is ignoring you both - and I can understand that. Maybe sort that out by scheduling a meal together or something? Don't charge him rent to live in his own home, though. I hate that concept. DO have him contribute to food bills (or better yet do some of the shopping himself) and help out generally. But no curfews; he's an adult. As long as he's doing well on his course and not getting into debt, then he's not doing badly. If you stop bailing him out financially, then he'll have to pick up more work hours.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 22-Feb-13 14:44:52

Yabu.

He's a adult treat him like one.

midastouch Fri 22-Feb-13 14:52:20

YABU my mum and dad made me be in by 11pm when i was 19/20 yo, i still think its totally ridiculous!

NopeStillNothing Fri 22-Feb-13 15:17:53

Yabu. He is at uni AND has a job. Seems like he is doing ok to me. A curfew for a 20 year old is ridiculous!

MimiSunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 15:21:55

Ok, I think your son coming home in the early hours and disturbing you is out of order. Its not about a curfew its about common decency, he should respect that he isn’t in uni halls where its (barely) tolerated (I screamed bloody murder at someone who dared to wake me up when in uni accommodation).

However you say you want him to be responsible in your last post, but yet you seem to be still treating him like a child. I had friends at uni like your son and their parents did them no favours. I’m guessing you are paying his way at uni or at least his fees, as you say he’s moving home to rent free accommodation so he can keep his loan. Why exactly, what will he need it for if its not to pay to live somewhere?

Don’t get me wrong, my parents paid my fees and helped me out occasionally when I was penniless and literally starving, but I also worked part time and paid my own rent so my begging off them was literally last resort and I hated doing it.
You need to decide, do you want your little boy back home or do you want him to grow up? It sounds like he’s never at uni and I doubt he’ll be bothered to drive in once he’s at home again full time. Stop picking up after him, stop letting him treat your home like halls and give him some ground rules and responsibilities, however will he ever stand on his own two feet if no one makes him learn?
Personally I don’t think its unreasonable to expect not to be woken up in the middle of night during the week, I live in a house share now and one housemate used to wake the others up by coming home late during the week, they were told and they had to change their behaviour when they came in i.e. using the downstairs bathroom and not turning on the stairs lights as it flooded into the bedrooms. Inconvenient for them yes, but not as much as disturbed sleep for 3 other people.

Wishiwasanheiress Fri 22-Feb-13 17:03:23

Sorry, I agree with the others. He's 20. You cannot treat him like he's 16. Neither should he be disrespectful or rude of your property, time or love.

Presume he had a mobile? Then he can keep in good contact with you. He should out of politeness keep you informed, but you cannot now enforce a curfew.

You need to work out new house rules together. You are working on rules that used to work but everything has changed. You need to move along a bit, all of you. He's tasted freedom at Uni, but he cannot be rude to you.

He will eventually work, else why be at Uni? No holiday these days, he's paying now or later!

littlewhitebag Fri 22-Feb-13 17:10:27

My DD is 20 and at Uni. We see her the odd weekend as she doesn't come home much during term time. Last two summers she lived at home and worked locally. She came and went as she pleased. I certainly never waited up for her or gave her a curfew! I did ask that she be quiet as she came in. Perhaps your son needs to get a job where he is at Uni then you wouldn't need to be worried by when he comes in?

MrsBombastic Fri 22-Feb-13 17:13:21

I do understand...

If he is moving back in rent free then there needs to be ground rules, if he can't stick to them he needs to move out and pay his way.

He is an adult, he needs to act like one, you need to treat him like one.

Sunday night or not just tell your DH to just go to bed.

The problem is here is that he is not a child and this is what 20 year old men do.

Parents either put up with it or chuck em out, those are your options I'm afraid.

I left home at 18, had a full time job and moved into a house share, if he is studying PT maybe this is what he needs to do and p.s stop bailing him out financially, he needs to learn stand on his own 2 feet!

I have 6 girls and NONE of them will be getting away with this..we've had this convo already with the teenagers.. you are either studying full time at uni in which case by all means come home rent free on weekends and we will help you financially as much as possible or you moved out, get a job and work full time.

Wishiwasanheiress Fri 22-Feb-13 17:15:10

I don't want you to feel upset. I do think he should pay his way once he moves home. Else he should move out. He's 20, he's a man. He needs responsibility, even if your rent is cheaper than a flat!

cheeseandchive Fri 22-Feb-13 17:16:06

Regardless of whether you're being U or not, I think there's two ways you can approach this when he moves back;

1) He doesn't pay rent so he can save to pay off his student loan and, as a consequence, he accepts your rules (about curfews/help around the house etc) and maybe agrees to a 'payment plan' eg. a minimum amount of money he will save every month to pay off his loan. This means you can be generous to him, but he needs to prove that he won't just squander the opportunity you're giving him.

2) He does pay rent (or some kind of financial contribution, set by you and DH) and, as a consequence, is free to make all his own decisions about curfews/food etc.

I don't think that a 20 yr old should have a curfew enforced by his parents, but if you are going to be generous enough to allow him to live at home rent-free then you are entitled to expect him to adhere to house rules for as long as he does so. I think setting out expectations clearly (and discussing and amending where appropriate) will help avoid arguments in the future.

Xales Fri 22-Feb-13 17:33:10

I think if I am getting out of bed every morning to go to work to support a 20 year old living for free the least they can have the decency to do is not come in a.m. and disturb me.

I hear the key in the door, shoes off, walking up the stairs,bathroom lights, toilets etc.

If they want the freedom to do that then they can rent a room elsewhere.

If they want to stay for free they can accept that at least nights before working days they need to come in at a reasonable hour.

andubelievedthat Fri 22-Feb-13 17:34:17

My own parents were similar in that respect , peer pressure is far greater a persuader than mum and dad ! anyhow as i was approaching the end of my time at uni my father asked re my plans? i was like "dunno see what turns up,something will," " where do you intend to stay "was his next Q ? at yours ,said i>he pointed out that as i would be no longer at FE,i was therefore an adult and he expected me to support myself ,not expect him and mum to ,he said i was entitled to stay at his home but i would be paying a fair rent every wk and yes ,as it was undoubtably his house ,i would live there by his rules ,no doubt re that <so i thought about that ,got a job and flat share and everyone was happy campers !(my parents were lovely btw,but very down to earth,realists)best wishes

Mintberry Fri 22-Feb-13 17:54:32

There are (albeit a minority, in young mum threads) of parents using this site at that age!

CockyFox Fri 22-Feb-13 18:18:25

Not sure who is in the wrong here, but is he your eldest or only child?
I am the oldest and had a curfew of 10:30pm as a teenager abd the week before I turned 18 she told me as an adult I could be home by midnight or leave home, I was 18 on the Monday and moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband) on the Thursday.
She learned from her mistakes and my siblings were and are allowed to come and go as they pleased as long as they tell her if they won't be home so she doesn't worry - the still live at home in their late 20s.

somewhereaclockisticking Fri 22-Feb-13 18:41:49

Actually I disagree with the majority of posters here. I say your house your rules. I know that no matter how old my child is, if he/she lived at home I would probably end up listening to hear when they came home - as a parent you worry constantly and if they live/stay at home then you are more aware of what they're up to. People say treat him like an adult but as an adult he has to respect other peoples' wishes and you wish for him to return home at a sensible hour for your peace of mind. Not coming home at all without letting you know leads you to imagine all sorts of things. Nobody would allow someone to come and stay and then waltz in and out of their home whenever they felt like it . It's inconsiderate to the people who live there and all you are asking is for him to be more considerate. you are a light sleeper so chances are you could be woken up and in a sleepy state not remember who is in the house or not at that time. My dad always said his house his rules so I moved out at 19. Your son has the same choice.

I honestly think YA both B a bit U.

I don't think you should actually give him a curfew, but he shouldn't treat his family home like a doss house. If he can't be bothered to spend more than 15 minutes with you, then tell him you'd rather he stayed at his house for the weekend too.
If he does continue staying and going out til late, then each occasion that he disturbs you means he stays away the following weekend.

He needs to learn to behave a bit more responsibly, it's pathetic that he can't even manage a text to let you know he'll be in v late or staying with mates.
If this isn't dealt with before May you're going to end up with a Kevin The Teenager 24/7!

quoteunquote Fri 22-Feb-13 22:00:45

buy some ear plugs, he is 20, holding down a job, and studying, maintaining friendship, be proud,

go to bed, let go and be pleased for him,

do you live somewhere you could build a additional space (something like this, we built a very insulated (sound and temperature) summer house with loo and shower, I find it a perfect place to keep the student aged offspring, you see them when they need to eat, or if you turn the internet off, it works really well.

We build a lot of these, as people children live at home for much longer these days, and it makes for very harmonious living,

SavoyCabbage Fri 22-Feb-13 22:07:04

Why is he coming home at the weekends? Is this the thing now. I wouldn't have had time to do that when I was at university.

He should be making a life for himself where he is at university.

If I was him, I would rather pay rent in May than be treated like a child.

FeistyLass Fri 22-Feb-13 22:16:33

YABU. He's an adult and you have to let him live his life and make his own mistakes. If he chooses to miss lectures then let him. He has to take responsibility for his own studying, his own successes and his own failures.

tbh my parents were incredibly strict until I turned 18 but after that I could come and go as I pleased. . . even on week nights . . .and I even had friends to stay over (although no boys allowed!). The other side of that freedom was that I paid rent from the minute I had a part-time job. And I think YANBU to ask him to contribute to the household.

I can understand you being upset that you don't see him much but you'll be seeing a lot more of him when he moves home. However, if you think you'll still treat him like a child then perhaps you should seriously consider if you want him to move home. It can be hard to cut the apron strings (on all sides) but it will be better for him.

notmyproblem Fri 22-Feb-13 22:39:12

Sounds like you're creating the perfect mummy's boy, OP.

You're afraid of offending him by laying down the law and telling him to obey your house rules or leave. He just does what he wants anyway, regardless of what you ask him to do. He hardly even sees you for more than half an hour over an entire weekend, so clearly you're just a free bed, roof and fridge for him (not to mention the car and extra money you bail him out with). So basically he does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, and does nothing in return that doesn't suit him.

Put your foot down, TELL don't ask him how it will be in May, give him ample opportunity to get a job and a flatshare or figure out that he needs to live by your rules in your house and show some courtesy for the other people who live there.

Tough love. You're not doing him any favours letting him walk all over you. I'm sure he's a lovely boy and all that but he's also 20 and it's high time he learned to behave and live like an adult. Stop enabling him to remain a child or he'll still be living there in 10 years keeping you up at all hours worrying about him.

notmyproblem Fri 22-Feb-13 22:41:30

And this:
buy some ear plugs, he is 20, holding down a job, and studying, maintaining friendship, be proud, go to bed, let go and be pleased for him,

is a complete joke. Honestly, do people have such low expectations and standards of their kids that a 20 year old who manages to go to school and maintain friendships should be applauded as being a big success in life? confused

MikeOxardAndWellard Fri 22-Feb-13 22:56:36

Yabu. He's not a 15 year old kid, he's a 20 yo man. Of course he is not going to accept a curfew, how ridiculous, go to bed and lock the door for goodness sake. If you can't put up with him coming home at the hours he returns at, then tell him he must get his own place.

HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 23:03:32

I'm swathing through the whole 'he's an adult' crap - if he was an adult he would have respect for you and your home and abide by your rule rathe than treating lieka hotel or doss house.

I have similar with my 17yo - so long as he texts in to say hes safe, no problem.

Parents worry, we are programmed to worry. Its our job to worry

If he doesnt like the fact you need to lock up and go to bed without one ear twitching, then he gets a place of his own, where he can be self sufficient and come and go as he likes.

He'll understand when he's a parent himself.

Illustrationaddict Sat 23-Feb-13 00:30:50

I think I'd be more worried if he followed all your rules, being out with mates until all hours suggests he's a good socialiser which is important. I did the same, but am a responsible adult now. Cut him some slack, and a key whilst you're at it!

I may well find myself in the OP situation later this year. I find it hard to fall asleep when someone is due in in the middle of the night or early hours so we'll see how we do. I want err on the side of leaving him too it, but if he's rolling in drunk, making mess and noise then it will not be on Dh and I will be needing sleep to get to work and we still have an 8 year old with school. Creep in quiet and get yourself to bed and no problem.
Other than giving him a key and free range as an adult. Maybe you should have a talk with him about how it affects you and your Dh.
He may want to work hard at finding full time employment and his own place rather than come home and live by the rules.

livinginwonderland Sun 24-Feb-13 13:03:38

yabu to give a 20 year old man a curfew. there's absolutely no need for your husband to stay up and wait for him to get home, he has a car and a key and a job, let him have his freedom.

i moved away to university at eighteen and came home maybe once every six weeks on average. my parents never gave me a curfew, but out of courtesy, i told them when i expected to be back and i'd always text my mum if my plans were changing, just so she wouldn't worry if she woke up at say, 2am and i wasn't back yet.

i would argue, though, that a 20 year old living at home should pay rent, especially if he is working and barely attending lectures. he can't just live off his parents and student loans forever.

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 14:22:26

You can't give a 20 year old a curfew. He is not a child. You have to accept that.

Make any house rules reasonable. Not disturbing you is reasonable. Demanding he's home/in bed by a certain hour smacks of 'don't go out on a school night' mentality and is an unreasonable way to treat another adult.

It's also not your job to make sure he's 'got everything'. He is twenty years old. If he can't make sure he has everything he needs something has gone wrong somewhere!

He lives somewhere else monday to friday. Where I assume he has a key and responsibility for locking up etc? Yet you treat him like a child on the weekend? You have to change this relationship from parent and child to parent of adult offspring!

However, since he is an adult, he should live in the adult world. That means bills to pay. Giving him a free ride is yet another way that you are keeping him a child, isn't it?

He isn't a child. He is a man.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 24-Feb-13 14:35:18

YABU about expecting him to be in at a certain time.

But I think you are allowing him to take the piss frankly. It doesn't sound as if he is giving his course much attention, which can be a problem when people go to Uni so close to home that they stick with their existing friends rather than making new ones who are also studying to the same level.

What does he need his student loan for, if you are going to be providing bed and board?

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 14:54:51

You can't give a curfew to a 20 year old. They are an adult. It's fine to ask that he comes in quietly and does something round the house to help in some wasy as payment for his stay.

mrsbunnylove Sun 24-Feb-13 16:32:08

dont have a curfew - it isn't working. but don't allow him to stay at yours during the week.

and give him notice now. at the end of his uni course he's on his own.

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