Mumsnet Talk

In sum, we live in a small flat in West London, but an opportunity has arisen for us to rent a lovely house at more or less the same price from a family friend in the Sussex countryside but we had only 6 months to get organised, and I need to give 3 months notice on my job (in Middlesex) At the moment I am the breadwinner and dh looks after the 2 young kids at home, although he does try to work on his fledgling business from home too and we would all welcome the space of the house with the garden etc, he would be able to do his stuff more effectively in an office, the kids would have room to play etc.

Although I have applied for several jobs in the area, I did not see any real job opportunities in my sector until quite recently, and I am still waiting to hear if I have an interview from the jobs I applied for within the last month. I have told dh that I would love to move to the house, however, I cannot give notice on my house or job until I have work in the new area. We have calculated that my commute would cost around 1/4 of my earnings, and would be a 5 hour round trip each day! Youngest dc is 20 months old, I would not see as much of both kids as I would like and would be exhausted, my job is already putting me under a lot of pressure. My parents and sister have advised my not to move, for both job security and health of mind and body. I agree with them, much as I would love to take up the opportunity. The owner of the house really does need to let out the house asap for his financial position. Dh says we should bite the bullet and go for it! I will be able to get a job in the area soon and it will only be a temporary situation, with such a commute! He promises to come up with the goods financially with his business in a short space of time, but his track record in that respect is not great!
I have told him I will not take the risk and do the commute, and he now wants a divorce!

Your dh is (obviously) being completely unreasonable. I wouldn't personally commute for more than an hour. Two and a half would be grim.

How much research have you done on the job market in the new area? Does your dh think you've not really tried to look for a new job perhaps? Do you think he has really taken in the impact of the commute into account or is blinded by the loveliness of the potential new lifestyle for himself/your children?

I've done a commute like that pre children and its very hard. I'd consider it again short term, but not with children unless i was very confident of finding work more locally.

Five hours on a good day can be a lot worse, i spent up to 8 hours travelling some days and it's very draining. Also your employer my be concerned, as disruption is likely. That's extra strain for you and your DH too. It may seem like a great idea now, more space etc for him and the children but it could be very lonely for him, with you away for so long.

Would you be driving or by public transport?

Hi Nooka,

The job market is quite good, I'm in education and there are colleges, schools etc in abundance. However, it's a tricky time for education as you may know, and there have been no vacancies of the type of job I have until recently, which I have obviously applied for. As an indication, too, where I currently work, there have been cuts in my area and no new vacancies appearing.

I sometimes have a 1.5 hour commute here (when I take the train). It is very, very tiring, much more than I thought it would be. You think "oh I can read on the train", but somehow it's like an extra 3 hours a day at work in terms of tiredness!

And I don't have DC...

Sounds like you definitely need to stay put then. You know that you have done your best, but this time and this opportunity isn't going to work out. It's sad, but that's how it is. I hope that your dh is just upset and letting off steam, and that he apologies for his talk of divorce. Assuming that your relationship is good in general and this was just a frustrated outburst you may need to sit down together and figure out if there are other ways you can both work towards to achieve more space and a greater likelihood of his business being successful.

It's Monday morning next week say. You've got to be in work for 0830/ 0900? That means leaving home at 0600/0630 if the trains are an exact match and you're right by the station both ends. If you're driving you'll need to leave extra for potential rush hour traffic. So that means getting up showered dressed etc in the semi gloom, trying not to wake everyone up ( oh they will get up with you for the first couple of weeks but it's dark and cold and probably one of the dc will leap into your warm spot in the bed for cuddle with dp so it's only fair to let them snooze on). So imagine its the best day at work ( so youre not totally stressed or having to stay late to catch up or attend a staff/ parents/ student meeting ) but still you can't stop for a coffee / drink with colleagues to celebrate/ commiserate etc cos dashing off home it's 1700/1730 and you've got train to catch to get you home by 1930/2000 if they're running in time or that drive back through rush hour in the rain. All goes well, no delays ...so you are in and you creep upstairs to kiss sleeping DC, get changed in semi gloom go downstairs to eat heated up dinner while DP fills you in about how well youngest did in the nursery play and what went on at the birthday party they all went to with elder DC where he ended up doing the music cos he was the only male and all the other mums were feeding him sausage rolls and bits of cake. Such fun! Gosh is that the time, 2200 you're nodding off better get up to bed you've got to be up at 0515 to get ready for work ( hope you got all your marking and lesson prep done during the working day or on the train if you got a seat) DP? ...Oh he's not really tired yet so he's going to fix his bike, walk the dog, watch that documentary you said was interesting... See you in the morning love. You miss your kids, spend no time with DP except weekends when you're cheesed off cos you spot all the little household chores he's not done so you end up doing them. You don't feel like socialising because a) you cant face travelling to see friends as youve spent 25 hours this week on the road already, b) youre a bit skint cos you've spent a quarter of your wages on travelling to work c) you've got half an eye on the fact you're up at 0515 on Monday morning and d) your DC have parties, sleepovers, etc that you don't want to stop them going too but you haven't seen them all week.
Gosh I'm sounding a bit ranty and negative.. Well I did this commute thingy from when my DC were 2 and 9 for several years because the local job never came off. I was going deranged with it all. Had to stop, I still commute 1.5 hours but work from home at least one day a week and of course my DC are now pretty much grown up. I wouldn't do it again if I had my time over. I won't go into how it's affected DC thats another story
.
So think hard about the reality of your day to day minute by minute life. It is exhausting commuting. Trains are cramped they are not relaxing unless you can afford 1st class it's hard to do work either. Having said all this it can of course be sustained short term so if you are even half certain you can find a job locally in say the next 6 months then perhaps go for it . Otherwise don't rush. Other houses in Sussex will come up at reasonable prices if you all want to move there.I'd say get work first and then move together and make a new life together.

Is there any opportunity for you to work from home? Dh has a 2 hour commute each way, so 4-5 hours in total. He has negotiated to work in the office two days a week and at home 3 days a week. Thus has actually worked out really well for us since having ds - dh gets to see a lot of him, have lunch with us etc on his working from home days.

I would stay put until you find work. An hour commute is bad enough but a longer one can be even worse as oh illustrated. You don't know when you could find work do you, so the grim commuting could go on for months and months, tiring you out and eating away at your family time.

I sense some guilt about the owner maybe not being able to find someone to let the house. But it's really not your problem.

I wouldn't like that commute every day. I think it would be wise to stay where you are because there will always be another rental within the same area.

Commutes like that are just not sustainable in the long term, especially when you have family commitments.

I just simply would not pour that amount of money into the rail company profits.

I suppose one alternative might be to weekly house share with a collegue and go home at weekends - but then, I don't see why you should work yourself stupid to facilitate your husband playing at The Good Life down in the sticks.

As an aside - the amount of people and 'fledging businesses' I read about on forums? You've said it yourself, he's never going to be Richard Branson, he's just faffing about pretending and getting a free ride into the bargain.

Wants a divorce does he? Tell him to sling his hook, put the kids in daycare and see how far he gets with no income.

>folds arms and realises that isn't very helpful<

My parents and sister have advised my not to move, for both job security and health of mind and body. I agree with them, much as I would love to take up the opportunity.

You said this. Job security is very important in these times. You also don't know how long this rental opportunity may last. I wouldn't.

Gosh, didn't even get to the last sentence, just re-read, he wants a divorce?? Seriously?

You couldnt possibly survive it.
In this environment, relying on 1. A job to materialise 2. New business to take off is simply crazy, can you imagine the pressure?!

I had a 1.5hr commute, it wore me out, plus our family life really suffered.

Is that 2.5 commute by train? Could you get a cheap car to use? We are kinda at the same dilemma now and even the outskirts of dirty is only 1.10hr by car to say v central London. It is also cheaper

A cheap car = high maintenance. Cars on those commutes are worse than trains, rush hour traffic, you only need a jack knifed lorry on the M25 and everything is screwed up in the surrounding area for half a day. Plus the congestion charge.

We have been in a similar situation but the commute is only 1 1/4hrs each way and I am the sahm trying to set up a business. From my point of view, I'm struggling and I need more from DH. He has no more to give!
I'm focusing on the fact that this is a temporary situation, DH's career is the priority (he is doing really well) and we can just about make it work. I can't see your situation working with the commute and distance.

He needs to look at the bigger picture if he things the only other option is divorce. That is madness. You would be doing a big favour for a friend and potentially destroying your family - where are your DH's priorities?!

I did a commute like this. 2 hours each way. Train journey was against the main flow of commuters so always got a seat. Could read on train etc.

It was Very Exhausting. I felt like I was on a hideous treadmill. Start the day in the dark. Always pressure to catch the train. Back so late the evening half over. Cooking dinner with my coat on sometimes as pressure to get food on table before 8.30 pm. Weekends horrible (Saturday too weary to move much), Sun did housework).

Seriously your husband is being v. Unreasonable and rather unkind.

You don't have to rent this house. Get a job first and rent a different house if you still want to move.

You could spend your commute money renting a room? Then get back to dc's for a few days a week feeling fresh and glad to see them.... no I can see how that wouldn't work for any of you, just as I can see how commuting 5 hours a day and spending all that money doing it wouldn't work either.

Ok, I'm a cumudgeon, just think it's madness, the person who will suffer most is you by the way, on all levels.

How selfish of him. Would he be prepared to find a job in Sussex in order to make the family financial situation better and take the pressure off while you find a job down there? If not HIBU and stamping his feet about not getting what he wants without considering the bigger picture.

Hold up! He wants a divorce???!

That is blackmail. Selfish wanker. Stand your ground

OMG I missed the divorce bit, I'm still half asleep.

Tell him to sod off to sussex and divorce him asap. He sounds horrible.

I agree it sounds hellish but I know families where the father has done this for years. Basically, the happiness of most of the family has taken precedence over the happiness of the breadwinner. But now they're settled somewhere fabulous and it was worth it. Is Sussex where u want to be in the long run?

Yes fathers and mothers have done it successfully, but if she doesn't he wants a divorce?

Sorry I missed the divorce bit . Joking surely. If not.... I'm afraid it's the old Mr Bennett logic for him....
Script goes, You..' DP it seems as if our marriage is at and end for you will divorce me if I don't move to Sussex and commute two and a half hours a day never seeing my children and ending up looking and feeling like I'm 20 years older by the end if six weeks and I my dear will divorce you if you don't graciously smile give me a hug, accept it was a pipe dream and we can always move out when your business is making enough money to keep us all, go run me a hot bath and bring me a glass of wine to drink in it and apologise for selfishly putting me through all this stress'.

Not sure if the divorce comment was flippant?
OP you say you work in education - do you actually teach and need to be on site? If not, could you negotiate 2 days working from home and 3 days in the office, maybe staying over somewhere cheap nearby for one of those nights?
Would you commute be car or train?

Sorry about 'she' should have said OP

Ohmergerd, am I reading correctly? It's 2.5 hours each way

SIL did a very similar commute, Hampshire to West London, for about 18mo
She ending up quitting the job with nothing to go to as the hours were killing her, and at the time she was a 20something with no DC

Dh did this for years - it nearly killed him.

So you are basically in this position because you are trying to help a mate out by renting his house?? Is the friendship worth the pressure it's putting your family under?

If moving away from London so you can have a bigger house/ space to play is the right thing for your family why don't you just start looking for a more rural job? I take it you are SMT? It's a mega short half term but I'm sure a lot of jobs will turn over in the next 4 weeks.

Can you not just go for a job you want rather than a specific area and then rent some other lovely house near new job? Presumably your DH can nurture his business from anywhere?

I had a 2 and a half hour commute for a year (however luckily I was able to work one day a week at home, but 4 days was bad). I would leave the house at 6 and get in at half 7 or half 8. I got used to it tbh but I used to get so tired. And no way would I consider it with a 20 month old baby - I felt horribly guilty about my dd and she is 17.

I now have a different job and my commute is an hour and 10 mins - started this week and I feel completely elated. I got home at half 6 the other day. Really feel different. I still have to go to London (the original commute) once a week but that will be fine.

Also I have colleagues who commute into london from Eastbourne (so presumably the train line you might use) - neverending problems with delays and the trains are always packed so standing room only a lot of the time. Plus they come into London Bridge or Victoria so you would have a tube journey on top to get to west london (and the tube journey is what used to finish me off)

This is a reversal of a common situation where the SAHM is wanting to move further away from, say, London, in order to have a better quality of life. IME this always has a much bigger negative impact on the husband than was ever anticipated and the marriages/families gradually fall apart.

In studies of happiness, commuting time has a BIG impact that is always underestimated. Don't do it. If you can first sort out a job in the countryside (where you want to be), you can then find a lovely house. Is the rent you are being offered truly that subsidised if your relative needs the money? There will be other houses but sort out the job first.

I definitely couldn't do this, and would really resent my DH putting pressure on me to do so.

It's too easy to forget that we only have a certain amount of time, particularly when children are growing up, and you never get that time back again. Is it worth it to move to this particular house? Surely sort the job then find another house out of London. There is more than 1!

Not worth it IMO. I've done commutes like that but only on a short term basis or not full time. Full time for a long period and with kids sounds like a nightmare.

YANBU. This sounds like simple maths. Less money/time = bad

Are you sure he isn't going to get you to do this and then split from you and claim that you're the main breadwinner and you have to financially support him?

I commute over 2.5 driving daily, it is v.tiring and unless your job is amazing you would hate it too.

I would really think of the bit he says - he want's a divorce, that is a symptom of something bubbling under the surface of your marriage or he's fuse is so short he should see his GP

'...and now he wants a divorce.'

- that tells you EVERYTHING you need to know to make a decision. Your answe should be - no, no way am I making this tremendous sacrifice, because the person it seems I'd mainly be making it for seems not to be on my side or part of a team with me at all, instead they seem to be a manipulative blackmailing wanker for whom I appear to exist solely to finance their lovely lifestyle.'

You need to look long and hard at your 'D'P. He's basically saying that he doesn't care if you are unhappy as long as he is happy. He has no interest in the potential effect on all of the rest of his family of this move (do you think your children will be made happier by only seeing you, effectively, on the weekend?). The most important person is him, and the only factor to consider is how he will feel. If you disagree, he will threaten you to get what he wants. He does not care at a whether you are happy.

Does this sound like him, or not? Only you know whether that threat says something about him as a person, and your relationship, or whether it was a silly angry remark.

Even if the latter, however, the fact remains that this move would require a huge sacrifice on your part, and none on his. Therefore, the decision has to be yours. A good partner and a team player would know this instinctively. A happy family and a good marriage can't work any other way. It's worrying that he seems not to see that. You wouldn't be happy if you did this and the whole family dynamic would be compromised. If that matters less to him than his comfort, you have a lot to worry about. The fact that you say you don't entirely trust him to keep his promises re work raises the same question marks...

In short, tell him to bog off, and then use some of the comments you will get on this thread to start a discussion on why he prioritises his own wants over the happiness of the family as a unit... and point out that the only way is down from there on. A Sussex garden looks a pretty thin compensation for resentment and a fractured family...

No way. Commuting that adds 5 hours to the working day is absolutely bound to be an enemy of family happiness.

We work (fairly) locally but have flexible hours so a couple of days each where we get in much later (about 8/9pm). This gives me an inkling of the horror that would ensue with a long commute. My partner's temperament is of the easily stressed variety and he is generally utterly foul on the nights he works late. He gets back feeling grumpy, unreasonable, tired. Interaction is limited to him moaning about whatever is for dinner and anything else that occurs to him and me trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he's knackered but sometimes having to point out that he's acting like an arse. There is no way he can contribute anything positive to family life on those nights. Our youngest is in bed and the rest of us pretty much ignore him those 2 nights a week. He is also fairly foul on the nights I work late if he feels stressed by sole care of the children. Granted a lot of this is linked to his personal inability to cope when tired and stressed but let's face it, who doesn't find it hard to some extent? I am a chilled out type and don't think I am horrible in the same way but I am also pretty useless with family stuff on the days when I get home from a 12+ hour day. Housework, quality time with the children etc goes out of the window. I just want to relax and do my own thing to recover from the day!

Do not do it. Divorce him if necessary! Is he really serious about that? Surely not.

OP, you don't give up your job for a rented house, you move house because of a new job. Its absolutely crazy to even consider moving house in a recession before you have a new job. The only time you might consider it is if the house were bargain of the year and you were buying it, and might make money on it worth more than your salary.

Your DH is an utter fool to pressurise you into considering this, just so he can have a country lifestyle. You of course would hardly ever get to see the house or enjoy it. As for threatning divorce if he doesn't get his own way, however flippantly - seriously how have you put up with him for so long??

Plenty more rented houses will come up - simply keep looking for a job in a more rural area and then once thats secured, look for a property to rent, or even buy, close by. At the moment your lifestyle doesn't sound too bad, so don't jeaopardise unemployment or a long commute.

I missed the bit about divorce! If he is serious about this then my advice would be in no way should you follow this plan to move. Big daily commutes do place a stress on family life and if your relationship is already at the point where he can casually blackmail you with threats if divorce then I think the commuting lifestyle would only make things worse. Also, what about all your support networks, friends and family - would you be leaving those behind as well?

He wants a divorce if you don't agree to an extra 5 hours on your working day bloody hell. And he doesn't work. Wow. Just wow.

Don't move! Your DH is not the one doing the commute. He wants a divorce because you won't commute 5 hours/day?! I'd show him the door for being an emotionally manipulative bully!

The 'friend' offering you this great deal might want to sell up in 6 months.
You don't give up a job for a rented house.

I wouldn't do it. A garden is not worth a ridiculous daily commute. No matter how nice the garden.

I agreed to move here and commute to my old workplace (4 hours drive away; much longer on the train). I only had to go in once a week/once a fortnight and could work at home the rest of the time but it was utterly unsustainable. So I managed to get a new job about 1.5 hours commute (this time by train) each way (more like 2+ hours by the time you've factored in everything else between leaving the house and getting in to my work). I have to go in 1 or 2 times a week (sometimes more). It is still exhausting and really too much, but it was the closest I could find. It's not good (and I have health problems that mean all my doctors look utterly horrified that I have to commute).

One other thing to consider is that your relationship may not survive anyway, even if you do move. This seems likely given that your H is already threatening divorce. You'll end up seeing very little of the children while still funding his chosen lifestyle.

H and I are in the process of splitting up and I am in a horrible position because of the commute. H is applying for jobs all over the country (and making noises about abroad, along the lines of how I should stay here because there's an international airport very close by, etc) and it's going to leave me alone with the children hours away from my workplace (and also hours away from any family support). I will have to move (and seriously disrupt the kids) eventually. With hindsight, I should never have agreed to move away from my workplace. I hate commuting and it makes everything considerably more difficult.

YANBU. Don't do it.

What a dickwad - give up a secure job for a rented house and a 5-hour/day commute so he can have office space. How about he get a job at evenings and weekends to pay for a bigger place to live in London? Too much trouble, eh?

NO way I'd leave a secure job in education for a rented house.

I was all set to say YANBU but then saw it would be temporary, so am now undecided. If you did take the house in Sussex, I would very much stay over in a hotel near your work on Tuesday and Thursday night, to eliminate a large portion of commuting and stress. Hopefully it wont be too long before you can find a job closer to Sussex.

But at the end of the day you don't have to take the house. If moving to the countryside is something your family very much want to do, then perhaps you can plan it on your own accord, and do everything properly and not rush.

(If the divorce comment from you DH was serious, then I think you have bigger issues then where you live!)

There will be other houses in the countryside that you can rent and get all those benefits when you have the rest of the building blocks in place.

Sit down together, do a life plan. Put your needs, wants and must have steps down on paper and work towards the dream rather than putting the end point in first and forcing the rest of your life to match it.

Get a new job in an area you like where you can afford space and a garden, allow your husbands business to get off the ground (no mean feat while looking after two children full time!!) and then go house hunting.

How about your dh gets a proper job to facilitate the move?

Imvho, if he's banging on about divorce because you won't comply with his unreasonable demands then I really think you need to reevaluate your current arrangement.

You could be left in a horrible position here. Thinking he will look for sole custody, the house and maintenance.

Protect yourself, I think you're going to need it tbh

YANBU

If this opportunity has made you both realise you really want to move to Sussex, then you can sit down and work out a plan to do so based on your own timetable and circumstances.

You can wait until you get a job in the area and DH's business is doing better, or he gets a regular job.

In this economy, I think it's a really big risk. Is there any chance you will hear about the jobs you've applied for, in time to take the house?

I would really worry about the point someone else made, that you could go through all this and then the friend will turn around and want to sell and you're really screwed.

Also, I assume him wanting a divorce is not meant seriously. If he really means it then you have a much different problem on your hands.

I've done the commute into London from sussex. It was 2.5 hours on a good day, sometimes more if there were delays on the train / tube / overcrowding at Victoria etc. I never saw my ds and used to cry over the t when I got home. Never again.

T= cot. Bloody iPad.

Ihad friends who led this sort of lifestyle - he got back so late and tired every night, she had an affair and now they're divorced.

100% out of the question for me

Surely you have to make the decision on facts that apply now -
Your dh can't promise his fledgling business will do well
What if (as others have said) this family friend wants to sell - is the arrangement v informal? Would you have proper tenants' rights?
Do you rent yr flat you are in now?

OMG - so you say you don't want to and he throws his toys out of the pram and says 'divorce'!!
What a total knob!!
So he's happy for you to basically work 13 hour days and never your children is he???
And who says it's going to be that temporary? What if you don't get a job locally very soon?
You have to stand your ground and say 'no'!!
You also need to have a chat about divorce and see what he really means by this.
I hope it all works out well though and you all get what you want in the end. Don't let anybody rush you into any decisions based on stupid comments!!!

Don't move. Find a job in a cheaper area, in the countryside or wherever and then move. You don't have to rent your friends house. There will be lots of houses cheaper than in London.

Doesn't sound a very good deal for you. What if friend put up the rent, or needed to sell? What if a local job never came up? When would you ever see DC? When would you relax?

I can understand why your DH is yearning for more space (living in a flat with 2 young DCs and trying to start a business must be hard) so is there a compromise you can think of?

Christ how did I miss that in the OP?

Divorce the stupid bastard then.

If you want to move out of London. This is not the only house available.

Wait til you find a job, then look for a house. There will be other houses to rent for a good price in your new area. you don't need this particular house.

Sit down with dh and talk about the steps necessary in a planned move. New job being no.1

Listen to your parents and sister. They love you and have your interests at heart.

You husband, however, does not.

Your DH is vvv U!

Commuting is hell, and I don't think having lots of space and a garden is paramount for happiness!

We have always lived very happily in small flats, with as short a commute as possible. We get to spend lots of time together and at present I don't have to leave the house until 8am and am home at 5.30pm to hang out with DDs, have dinner, bath them, read them a story and put them to bed. I think that is MUCH more important than lots of space and a garden, personally.

People are obsessed with having more space (not criticising you, OP, just making a general comment), spare rooms, dining rooms etc.

Don't do it if there is no guarantee of a job. It will be hell for you and your DCs who won't see much of you!

Commuting for 5 hours (if there's no unexpected delays) a day sounds hellish. And unsustainable for long.

Personally, if I was in your position, I'd want to have a job lined up in or near Sussex before making the move.

Has your DH stopped to consider the impact a commute like that will have on family life? Or is he too fixated on the extra space to realise that you'll effectively only be able to participate in family life at weekends?

He sounds utterly selfish.

You're poor dc's and you

Why on earth does he want a divorce ?

This is not to do with the commute.

OhMerGerd that sounds awful, but I can just imagine it. A salutary tale for the OP.

OP wants a divorce if you don't move to the country? He wants you to fund it and spend 5 hours travelling each day for an unknown length of time, possible a long time?

Do not move OP. And if he wants a divorce let him have it, he doesn't deserve you.

Good grief! I already thought "noooooo" and then I got to the divorce part and now it's "NOOOOOOOOOO." Go back and read what TalkativeJim said in particular.

I mean, if you go, and then the business does not get off the ground (and no offense to your DH but er that really may not happen ever), and then your local job does not work out and it's all stress and penny-pinching around the house and then maybe you think he should look for outside work to get your family through ... well, he's not going to want a divorce LESS at that point then he does now.

I'd be more worried by the fact your DH is trying to blackmail you with divorce than the potential commute to be honest. Would he be doing that every time things don't go his way? Call his bluff and stay where you are - he isn't serious about his business - which is what by the way?

Thinking about the DH's business - if it's going to be so easy for him to come up with the goods financially with his business in a short space of time, why hasn't he done it already?

Is it really going to be so much easier in Sussex when you're not going to be around on weekday evenings to help out with routine household stuff?

In your shoes with his threat of divorce I would be seeking legal advice and arranging paid childcare, you could be at risk of losing custody and having to pay him (above money for the DC) maintenance.

Another YANBU from me. Commuting is hideous - I used to commute from Surrey and it was about 3 hours all in a day. I was always exhausted and I don't even have DC to worry about!

OP, your 'D'H sounds bloody hideous. Don't do it.

do NOT do it. I commute, in theory, 3.5 hrs a day. Often takes longer due to First Crapital Connect. (Voted worst train company in the latest league tables.) It is knackering, I don't get enough time with ds, when I do get home I'm good for very little.

Your dh is a selfish git, btw.

"Dh says we should bite the bullet and go for it!"
There is no 'we' for this particular bullet - there is only a 'you', lauralaughs. It's all very well for your DP to say 'bite the bullet' when they are not the one doing the biting!

"I have told him I will not take the risk and do the commute, and he now wants a divorce!"
Wow. Just - wow. Now, whether you comply or not, whether a new job next door to this house miraculously came into being and was yours for the taking, your marriage is possibly fatally damaged, and all thanks to his little temper tantrum. I am so sorry .