To want to exclusively bf against DP's wishes?

(96 Posts)
chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 12:25:00

DS2 is 3 months old and feeding well but often, as is normal for breastfed babies.

I partially breastfed DS1 for 9 months but he had formula top ups from day 1 because he was born with low blood sugar (I had undiagnosed GD). As DS1 was also a big baby and my first I was constantly worried he was hungry and didn't trust I was making enough milk.

Eventually the top ups became more frequent and m y milk dried up, which combined with the fact that he preferred the bottle as he got older and more active meant I stopped breastfeeding before I wanted to.

This time I have established nursing properly, DS2 is gaining weight steadily and I just don't want to interfere with it. DP thinks the commitment to nursing and the time it takes means I'm less available to DS1, now a two year old and to DP himself. I think he would also like to feed DS2 and I struggle to express milk in any quantity. To be clear he doesn't want me to stop breastfeeding, just to introduce some formula too. I don't want to, AIBU?

coraltoes Wed 20-Feb-13 12:27:32

Yanbu

thebody Wed 20-Feb-13 12:28:03

No do what's right for you.

Of course you can read to your other child or chat or cuddle or watch TV
While you feed.

Think dh wants to do the feeding too and that's great but tell him he had to go with you in this one.

HollyBerryBush Wed 20-Feb-13 12:28:30

If he wants to be a part of feeding the baby would it be unreasonable to express some milk and let him do a part feed?

I don't see how excluding a partner from an activity is in any way helpful to the family bonding process.

Ultimately it's your decision.

If his wishes for mix-feeding are entirely out of concern for your children, then he gets to have a say. If it's even remotely about him, no, he doesn't. It's perfectly possible to play and interact with a toddler with a baby on your breast, so the argument about DS1 missing on attention doesn't hold water (unless you are actually neglecting DS1 in any way while feeding, but they doesn't seem likely).

Which leaves his arguments that he wants to feed the baby and get more attention from you. And tough shit, I say. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with formula, breastmilk is best for his child, and to impose his desire to introduce formula for no reason other than his wants is frankly selfish in the extreme.

If he wants to feed a child, he can feed DS1 while you're nursing DS2.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 12:31:20

She's just said she struggles to express milk, Holly!

Men who feel excluded from breastfeeding are being a bit daft, tbh. What's the point in expressing and sitting watching them bottle feed?

Branleuse Wed 20-Feb-13 12:33:02

when you say he feels its taking too much time from ds1 and him, what does he mean?? Is it actually taking up a great deal of time?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 20-Feb-13 12:34:14

www.babyzone.com/mom/fatherhood/breastfeeding-and-dad_69008

I found that, it talks about what a man can do to feel involved in the breastfeeding and how they can play a vital role in it, give it a read, maybe you'll find ways to include him.

SirBoobAlot Wed 20-Feb-13 12:35:20

No, YANBU. If things are going well, why complicate it?

And I hate the whole ''a man has to give a bottle to be an involved dad'''. No. There are so many more things they can do.

Shanghaidiva Wed 20-Feb-13 12:37:20

You can interact with a toddler while breastfeeding - chat, watch tv together or look at a book. I don't see that the toddler is being neglected in any way.
Express if you can - and dp can then be involved. However, it is only another 3 months until you may want to start introducing other foods and dp can then be fully involved in the feeding process.
My opinion - if all is going well I wouldn't bother introducing any formula.

JakeBullet Wed 20-Feb-13 12:37:23

There is far more to the bonding process than just feeding though Holly, all those cuddles count and so does all the interaction which goes on every time he does a nappy change etc.

OP no YANBU

changeforthebetter Wed 20-Feb-13 12:37:43

YANBU perhaps he feels a bit threatened? If you want to ebf then you are actually choosing the best thing for your baby. Feeding via a bottle is only one thing he could do - baths, baby massage, sling, walk to the shops etc. you can read to DS1 while feeding DS2. Please don't introduce bottles unless its something you want to do. It will be you who cops for the majority of bottle washing, sterilising and formula buying. People who want to "feed baby to help" rarely want to do the associated tedious tasks for months on end. Oh and you'll save a fortune and can eat more cake

noblegiraffe Wed 20-Feb-13 12:39:05

If he wants to feel involved with the baby, bath time is a nice one. Or reading bedtime stories. There's nothing intrinsically bonding about bottle feeding that can't be replicated elsewhere.

As for being less available, that's because you have a new baby.

Machadaynu Wed 20-Feb-13 12:41:18

YANBU (I'm a dad of a mixed-fed baby, but I wouldn't have minded if she was exclusively BF. I did do all the sterlising and formula buying though, *changeforthebetter smile )

Inertia Wed 20-Feb-13 12:43:07

YANBU, you are doing what is healthiest for your baby using a method that currently works well for both you and baby.

Your DH wants to switch to something that's more convenient for him.

There are plenty of ways that DH can get involved with caring for the baby- bathtime, playtime, winding, changing/ dressing, bedtime. And he can prepare food for your older child.

MrsDeVere Wed 20-Feb-13 12:44:01

My OH has bonded beautifully with all of our 5 children.
Four were bf.

The OP's oh needs to grow up.

Sounds like he's being a bit selfish - your baby is still only very young. Feeding is just a tiny part of parenting, can OH do bath time etc?

changeforthebetter Wed 20-Feb-13 12:46:59

Glad to hear it Mach I used to work in a SureStart centre and it was the mums who would bear the brunt of the washing/sterilising/preparing, unfortunately, having been talked out of bf by DPs, DMs and friends hmm

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 20-Feb-13 12:50:31

Yanbu.

Why don't you suggest he takes over bath times with DS2?

That was you get alone time with DS1 and he gets some alone time with the baby.

dozily Wed 20-Feb-13 12:52:19

Yanbu. My 3 dds were ebf. Didn't stop Dh bonding with them at all. I found expressing time-consuming and ineffective so didn't even try with dd3.

I'm glad bf is going so well for you smile

Seriouslysleepdeprived Wed 20-Feb-13 12:53:58

YANBU.

If its working & your happy, just go with it. There are plenty of other things your DH can do. It's not like there is a shortage of activities we two little ones.

DS has not had formula either for similar reasons. It took me ages to establish BFing and I didn't want to mess with it. Plus faffing around with bottles stresses me out. There's always stuff that need to doing that I'm behind on blush

I do express but only if im going out and it suits me. It feels a bit pointless otherwise if I'm there. Once they're older, a feed take 3 mins. You could argue it will leaving more time for your eldest & DH long term smile

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 20-Feb-13 12:54:50

Yanbu. That's about all I can say to that.

Omnishambolic Wed 20-Feb-13 12:58:57

I exclusively breastfed with DC2. I remember feeding sat randomly on the floor all over the house so I could be doing whatever DC1 wanted me to be doing whilst also feeding DC2. I don't think it would have been so easy with bottles (although to be fair I didn't try, so I don't know for sure). What I do know is that I didn't feel I was preventing myself from giving DC1 attention just because I was breastfeeding - the reality of having a new baby, however you feed it, is that you have to share your time. Also you've been through the hardest stage with a newborn feeding all the time and establishing it, feeding gets simpler and quicker from here on so it's no reason to stop now unless you want to.

Dahlialover Wed 20-Feb-13 13:00:05

YANBU I ebf twins with a 2 year old. He had plenty to do and we had a lovely routine. He used to play with his trains whilst the girls were fed. In the afternoons, after toddlers, he used to sit with a drink and watch Countdown (pre CBBC days) with us. I think the babies made his life more interesting.

OH became a dab hand at winding - DS1 was a very windy, non sleeping baby and he was determined these two were going to sleep! They did make him feed one with a bottle in the SCBU (with my milk!) and I am not sure he even remembers it. He did lots of laundry, nappies, bedtime reading and was quite happy to leave the night time feeds to me, helping out if two were awake.

I couldn't express milk after the first few weeks either (expressed loads when they were in SCBU). Seems a pointless waste of time to me.

chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 13:00:07

I do chat and play and sing to DS1 when I'm feeding but he's a demanding toddler who wants me on the floor playing lego. It is difficult for him and I am less available, although I try to meet both of their needs, there are always going to be times when one has to wait. I don't think formula feeding would change that though.

I am constantly breaking off from tasks to breastfeed and things get done slowly (and sometimes not at all). I do the majority of household tasks but I have a cleaner once a week for 3 hours at his suggestion. He does his share at the weekend and is naturally quite tidy. He is an active and involved parent to DS1 and when he is here he handles the majority of DS1's care while I tend to the baby.

I'm tired from doing all the night feeds and that makes me a bit clumsy and forgetful too. I also work (very) part time from home for a small business sideline we started together. My work affects his and he worries about deadlines, I have often finished a piece of work by working late at night which he has a problem with.

I think it's bothering him that he can't settle DS2 when he's upset but has to bring him back to me even if I am working.

I see the inconvenience and I even think he has a point but I am convinced of the advantages to breastfeeding and I think it's a relatively short lived phase and we should just suck it up and muddle through.

SirBoobAlot Wed 20-Feb-13 13:09:34

It would be just as hard if you were bottle feeding as your DS1 would still have to wait. That will pass as baby gets older though.

As for the break off from tasks, do you have a sling? You can feed on the move then.

Are you able to co-sleep and get a bit more rest in?

Completely agree with your last paragraph smile This is a short, difficult phase, and will pass before you know it.

Katienana Wed 20-Feb-13 13:11:26

Don't forget bf can be done one handed, I like to bf and mnet at the same time. Sounds like his heart is in the right place but it is your decision and he needs to suport you.

chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 13:14:31

I can MN and type on my phone one handed (like right now!) but need to write fast for work. Can anyone recommend a good sling for breastfeeding hands free? Tried and gave up with DS1 and a baba sling but willing to give it another go!

NaturalBaby Wed 20-Feb-13 13:15:00

YANBU but in his own way you are very lucky that he is so concerned about wanting to feed and settle his baby! DH gladly left me to it for the first year as I was ebf. I really miss it now, and my ds's are complete daddy's boys making up for lost time!

well holly, babies have managed to with their dads since beginning of time despite not having access to bottles. open, yanbu! dh needs to grow up big time

maddening Wed 20-Feb-13 15:03:14

Yanbu

It is natural he take a little more time with dc1 while you see more to dc2 imo when parenting as a couple - it is a sensible division of childcare with a tiny baby - reassure him that this will change as dc2 gets older and he can see it as a nice bonding period with dc1 - everything witha young baby is so fluid and changes from 1 week to thw next - it's funny he's noticing at 3 mths as there's a big growth spurt at that age meaning more demands to bf - so maybe he's picking up on that.

Remind him it's important to you and so fleeting that in a few months all will change with weaning on to solids.

Crawling Wed 20-Feb-13 15:13:52

YANBU.

Woodifer Wed 20-Feb-13 15:23:39

Just as an aside - if you have an electric pump - its easier to express from one side while you feed from the other (as the baby feeding stimulates your let down reflex) - I think you still have to be careful with bottle preference of course (depending on baby) - we switched to slightly faster flow teats whaen DD was a little bit older - and she gradually switched herself to bottles aged about 8 months (would get very frustrated breastfeeding, turn away and go rigid like a little plank).

curryeater Wed 20-Feb-13 15:28:22

YANBU.

I think if he "has a problem" with you working late at night he needs to pitch into that more.
also he is unrealistic if he thinks you can suddenly be less than frantically busy with a baby and a toddler, just by introducing formula.

why is it hard for you to express - you mean nothing comes out, or you don't really have time to sterilise everything and sit doing it? If he really wants this to happen he could help by being in charge of sterilising expressing kit, and by entertaining the toddler while you bf on one side and express on the other (this works but is practically impossible to do while also playing trains or something with dc1).
I only suggest this - not to pressure you into expressing if you don't like it - but because it can get easier if your body gets used to it, but you can only get your body used to it by having the kit ready and to hand, and that is tricky when you have two small children to look after. It drove me nuts when dc2 was bfing that dp was always going "why don't you express and then I could help" but he never did anything about it, seeing that somehow as associated with all the magic things that can only be done by a person with breasts. I expressed about 3 times with dc2 - with dc1 I was a donor!

Don't bother with expressing if you don't want to, but if you would quite like it to work, get dp to help you and then you can have a break if you want one.

fromparistoberlin Wed 20-Feb-13 15:30:34

tell him to be patient. as in a couple of months you will be down to 4-5 hourly feeds

Its a funny old world. My DP was rabid lactivist!!!

Crinkle77 Wed 20-Feb-13 15:32:50

Could you express so that he could join in too?

Crinkle77 Wed 20-Feb-13 15:33:48

Sorry missed the part about OP having difficulty expressing

diddl Wed 20-Feb-13 15:38:20

YANBU.

What is the point of expressing if not necessary??

Isn´t one of the advantages of bfeeding that you´re not faffing with bottles?

There´s plenty of other stuff he can do.

GloriaPritchett Wed 20-Feb-13 15:39:13

I don't know. If he is worried about you being tired and muddled and wants to help out more, then I think he might have a point. But you are right about things being mostly the same if you were using formula and it won't last forever.

AmberLeaf Wed 20-Feb-13 15:47:57

He just needs to accept that not everything is within his remit/control.

I don't mean he is controlling BTW, just that this one is not his 'job'

Yama Wed 20-Feb-13 15:58:24

Chronic - YANBU.

When he was a baby, my dh put dc2 into a sling as soon as he got home from work. He has always done baths and bedtime. He set the routine. When we night weaned it was dh who would get up to ds in the night (and still does).

We co-parent our dc and either is happy going to either parent for any of their needs.

I can be done without having to give up on ebf until you are ready. I believe your dh should support this.

birdsofshore Wed 20-Feb-13 16:01:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I never managed to express at all, no matter how I tried.

DP, however, was totally happy that both DCs were ebf. He busied himself in doing other things for the DCs like nappies, bathtime, bedtime, playing, etc. He has good bonds with our DCs.

StripeyBear Wed 20-Feb-13 16:14:07

YANBU

He's only 3 months - there's no need to give him formula. Tell DH not to be so silly. He can feed the baby in 3 months anyway - or at least make his pasta for him/her...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 20-Feb-13 16:21:56

YANBU

My two were EBF until 6 months, and never had formula at all. THey both have a great bond with DH.

OP - this is such a short phase, you will be through it in no time. smile

Just to say I found expressing really difficult compared to just simply BFing.

I did it once and DH gave DD the milk in a bottle. Maybe it was kinda nice to try it and see, but I could see it wasn't going to be for me !

I think you get to make the decisions. Sure you listen to what others think and feel. But on something this close to you and your baby IMHO - it's your call smile

GoldenGreen Wed 20-Feb-13 16:26:54

Yanbu. It's a very short time really. I also did the same with dd though I knew that dp would have loved to feed her. They seem to have bonded ok smile

pollypandemonium Wed 20-Feb-13 16:27:10

I think the main concern is the health of your 3 month old. If he is not getting enough milk quickly enough he will be tiring himelf out as much as you and that's not good for him. You being tired is also not good for him. How long does a feed take and is his weight OK?

AThingInYourLife Wed 20-Feb-13 16:35:44

YANBU

I expressed with my 3 from about 2 weeks so DH could give a bottle and I could get a break.

I found it really helped him to bond with them, particularly with DD2. Before we started doing that we were like a split family - me and DD2, him and DD1. Having his alone time with the baby really made a noticeable difference.

That said, I find expressing really easy and get absolutely loads without any trouble.

You have considered his suggestion and think it's not worth it.

As the person with the breasts, I think that has to be good enough.

He's talking tripe, mix feeding takes away more time from the older one, you have to spend the time to wash bottles and mix the feeds, EBF you life baby and hook him up, much less time consuming. I spent a lot of time EBF and reading books to older Ds and drawing pictures etc.
If he's concerned he wants to bond over feeding, he can bond by burping, dressing, bathing the baby, no need to mess with your breastfeeding.

EatMyFoodFeelMyFork Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:51

YANBU, why not suggest your DH gives the baby a bath while you give time to your toddler. FWIW the whole "feeding to bond" shit really pisses me off, there is much more to caring for a newborn than feeding.

TerrariaMum Wed 20-Feb-13 17:02:23

OK, this may sound strange, but right from DD's birth on, DH did all nappy changes when he was home. It made establishing bfing much much easier and he felt that by giving me the space to only concentrate on bfing when she was new, he was helping. He really was.

Now, he is still in charge of nappies when he is at home, toothbrushing, and medicine giving.

Would any of those help? And of course YANBU.

Teapot13 Wed 20-Feb-13 17:04:00

I don't get it when people complain about the time it takes to breastfeed. It takes how long it takes. The fact that we now have the technology (formula) that is an adequate substitute, which in some cases may seem to take less time if feeds are quicker and less frequent, doesn't make BF a waste of time. It's still the normal way to feed a baby.

I found the mobi wrap great to use for breastfeeding, although this backfired slightly when DD figured out how to get to it when in a side hold and flashed my boob to Ikea!

Branleuse Wed 20-Feb-13 18:03:11

i breastfed all mine exclusively for god knows how long - BUT they were all efficient feeders and I had massive milk supply etc and was lucky. What you do is up to you, but I dont think from what youve said hes being unreasonable. Neither of you are. Its brilliant that youve managed to exclusively feed so far. Just do whats right for you as a family as well as the baby x

maddening Wed 20-Feb-13 18:27:26

I wouldn't do mix feeding - either ff or expeessing till 5 mths at least if you can avoid it or don't want to - the growth spurt cluster feeding are his way of upping supply if you want to continue bfeeding for local longer.

jalapeno Wed 20-Feb-13 18:34:32

YANBU, sounds like he is thinking about himself rather than your convenience and the benefit to your baby.

YANBU, while formula is fine for babies and many babies thrive on it, it is not the ideal. The first non-breastmilk food changes their gut, it would be better for your baby to stick with what you are doing until at least six months (assuming you are happy doing so)

Have you tried pumping on one side while feeding on the other in the morning? I had most luck then. Takes a little coordination and stuff set up on tables close to hand.

Perhaps you could agree that he will be the one to give the baby his first 'solid' food. Maybe that will help him feel more involved?

OhIsntItJustSHOCKING Wed 20-Feb-13 19:26:17

YANBU, your milk dried up the first time, it could likely also happen this time. Carry on with what you want, considering you've already put all that effort in, and are happy with BF, then continue to.

Personally think DH is being very selfish and not thinking about DS's best interests. DS is getting better health and bonding with you from BF, there is no need to stop this. You can still talk to other DS while doing this, so I'm sure your other DS is still getting plenty of attention (you can't really ignore a 2 year old without hearing about it from them!) so basically this is just about DH...
Tell him to quit moaning and wait the 2-3 months until weaning, when he can feed him get puree thrown in his face as much as he likes!

RayofSun Wed 20-Feb-13 19:31:11

Haven't read through so Jit sure if mentioned but at least with bf you have one free hand to play/ read with older sibling. Ff more restrictive as need both hands (at least I did). Could you let you husband do one formula feed eg dream feed and that would give you a break, get him involved and probably wouldn't affect your supply?

RayofSun Wed 20-Feb-13 19:31:34

*not

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 20-Feb-13 19:43:15

You are doing so well, don't stop! Your dh is being incredibly selfish - you have established bf really well and it's the best thing for baby so why bring formula in? And it will get a lot easier over the next few months. Don't mix if you don't have to.

PolkadotCircus Wed 20-Feb-13 19:53:53

Depends.I found bfing incredibly time consuming and ffing very quick.I also think a 2 year old needs and deserves his mum just as much as a newborn.If that isn't the case for you and said 2 year old isn't missing out then don't fix what ain't broke.

chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 20:34:39

DS2 is gaining weight well and very content generally, although he does have growth spurts where he cluster feeds and I think we're in one now. He snacks rather than finish a big feed so right now it feels like he's on all the time.

My weak spot is that as polka dot says, my two year old needs me too. I do play with him and I read to him, cuddle him and involve him in caring for DS2 where I can, I make a big deal of how much baby likes him (which is true, DS2 lights up when he sees him, it's lovely). But there are always times when he wants to be carried around or sit on me or just for me to come look at something and I'm feeding baby. I feel guilty but again, don't think formula would change much.

DoJo Wed 20-Feb-13 20:36:20

YANBU but I don't think he is either - his suggestion might be a solution to some of the problems you have listed here, but if you would prefer to carry on EBFing then that is for the best. I don't agree with the posters who say he is being selfish - you only have to read some of the posts on here about how much people enjoy breastfeeding to understand why a father might want to try and capture a little of that for themselves, and it does sound as though he is thinking of you and your children too. Might it be worth reassuring him that you have actually taken all his points on board, and you appreciate that his suggestion isn't unreasonable, but that you feel very strongly about carrying on and would really like his support. Maybe he feels as though 'having the breasts' is actually giving you a bit of a raw deal in terms of time to yourself and genuinely wants a solution which could make both of you happy.

pomdereplay Wed 20-Feb-13 20:51:18

So glad to see the almost unanimous YANBU. Keep going for as long as you are happy for -- you are right that a) this is a difficult but short-lived phase in DS2's life and b) formula wouldn't be much different (plus you would be having to sterilise and make up bottles).

A Hotslings pouch sling was very useful for me until I got the hang of using a woven wrap. Otherwise a stretchy wrap may work, Victoria Slinglady makes reliable wraps extremely cheaply for sale on eBay.

I will have been breastfeeding for a year tomorrow (my little girl is growing up!). DD is phenomenally securely attached to DH, and DH completely does a very fair share of the parenting.

MikeOxardAndWellard Wed 20-Feb-13 21:03:05

Yanbu at all. Yes having another baby does mean they have to share your time and attention, but having a sibling more than makes up for that imo, and as you say, ff will not change this.

AScorpionPitForMimes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:35:23

YANBU, and I disagree with those who have said your DH is not being unreasonable. FF would not give you more time to spend with your toddler - it would take longer, what with making up the feeds, sterilising and so on. And FF babies have growth spurts too, during which they feed more frequently, so no gain for your 2yo there.

Your DH doesn't seem to have mentioned you or your baby in this anywhere, it's really all about him - and that means he is selfish. He can hold out for 3-ish more months until your baby is ready for solid food and will in any case need fewer feeds. It sounds as if BF is going really well for you, so why should you take on something that is going to make more work for you?

You can be nice about telling him all this, but you should not feel bad about not giving in to his emotional blackmail.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:59

Maybe he should be thinking about whats best for the baby and of course that is breast milk 100%. DH is just thinking about himself, selfish man.

BF is so much easier and less time consuming in the long run. Also your ay will be on solids very soon and so feeding less anyway.

GogoGobo Wed 20-Feb-13 22:22:34

YAnbu. I cannot bear men who put their needs on the flipping table as if they are somehow equal to a completely dependant nursing infant! And that goes for the needy fuckers who find something to whine about with their FF partner too!

babanouche Wed 20-Feb-13 22:27:48

YANBU

Some men feel a bit threatened when a baby comes along. He's trying to gain some power back. I'm sorry but these men have got to just suck it up. It's not for long in the grand scheme of things.

ps you may want to adopt a more conciliatory tone than 'suck it up'.

My take on it is ... He can suggest .... You can say no ! HTH smile

YANBU don't jeopardise bf for his -hysterical freakery- worries. M
Good luck.

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:37:51

Sorry I think it's shocking your dh has been called selfish stupid etc you are part of a family he has equal say in choices concerning your children. He has voiced his concerns about how your family s working at the minute. If you feel he s wrong and you and baby are managing fine that's great as is your other child and of course you shouldn't be forced to stop. But neither should he be slated for expressing his opinion, only you know if his suggestion of mix or attempting to express really is something that needs to be looked at. You know babies can't always be the number one priority at all times when you have other children ad a roof to keep over your heads. I suppose it really is a juggling act!

Maybe But maybe her dhs expectations aren't reasonable?

IME dad's sometimes have more trouble bonding with second children & subconsciously favour dc1's perceived needs.

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:53:34

But only she as his wife living in her home with her child and husband knows that...you or I don't. For example we don't know if the additional income she is working for is required to keep a roof over there heads there fore a priority for both children..think about what s been discussed decide if you think he has a point and work from there would be my advice. If you don't explain and say your happy as things are. Relationship s are a suppose to be a 2 way street IMO. He should respect your opinion as much as he wants you to respect his.

chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 23:00:53

The additional income is extra for our future to facilitate a bigger home closer to good schools in a few years. So not exactly urgent but prudent and in both kids interests.

The problem is that as we are providing a service we are reluctant to turn down work and risk losing clients. In an ideal world I'd take a break until DS2 is a bit older.

It's a lot of shared responsibility and another thing to negotiate. I'm not sure working with one's OH is the best idea! It allows me to work from home though, which I really appreciate.

I'm afraid that jeopardising ebf would be a deal breaker for me, it's such a short period of time, but is so important, ESP at 3 mo!

But then my DH would agree with me on that...

BeCool Wed 20-Feb-13 23:08:36

YANBU - get DP to feed you while you feed baby smile

Does he bath the baby? That's a lovely personal close thing Dad's can do to bond with babies IMO & experience. lots of skin on skin contact and intimacy . between them

WafflyVersatile Wed 20-Feb-13 23:12:13

If you had soley bf with DS1 then he would not have had bottle feeding to miss. Lots of people bf while having an older child so that is not a great reason. Plus, as said, he could spend time with DS1. I can see both sides though. Being able to feed baby would make him feel more involved in the early stages and it's not unreasonable to miss that.

Maybe you can approach this with coming up with/discussing positive ways that you can all play your part as a family and DP feel included and useful etc. Rather than him feeling he is missing out a bit. He needs to understand that bf etc is going to be baby led to a great extent. What works for baby is the main thing. If he wants more of your time for him then there are probably things he can do to lessen your workload and make that possible.

WafflyVersatile Wed 20-Feb-13 23:13:08

What BeCool says about bathing for starters.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 20-Feb-13 23:22:57

Shocking that her dh is being called selfish maybe23? Really? Of course he is selfish, who turn to formula when she is doing so well with bf. I bf my second who came along when my eldest was 23 months and it IS achievable and your eldest will be fine and adapt. Don't feel guilty for giving your baby the best nutrition you can!

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 23:31:03

No sorry I don't know that he is I don't live in her home I don't know how her other child is I don't know how she is physically coping only she and her husband do. Why is it unreasonable to have a discussion with your own husband regarding what is in the best interest of both of your children and family. If she feels he s wrong and is happy to continue great if she feels he may be right she should be able to sit down with her husband and come up a solution for her and her family. If she op feels he s full of shit then of course it would be unreasonable to stop. Really only the op knows.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 21-Feb-13 07:40:02

The best thing for a baby (in MOST cases, and I mean nutritionally) is breast milk so if she can give her baby breast milk then he is being selfish. What happened to getting through hard times and just getting on with things? Yes it is hard to do but so? That's part of life and sometimes we need to do what's best and the best thing for a baby is being fed breast milk.

fairylightsinthesnow Thu 21-Feb-13 07:53:50

I think you have to weigh up all the aspects. Yes, nutritionally, ebf is best for the baby but there is a whole family to consider; children do have to fit in with each others naps, activities etc. Half playing with DC1 while bf with one hand is not the same as proper, down on the floor playing around time, the financial aspects are important and if the father feels that he would like to sit quietly with his newborn in the small hours and bond, who are we to dismiss that as selfish? Can you imagine if a mum came on here and said she wanted to bath her baby but her husband always claims it as "his" task so she can't? Would she be derided as selfish for wanting to be with her child? A few bottles in the mix at this stage is not going to HARM the baby, its not poison. Ultimately, OP, only you know all the different elements of this but I honestly don't think that the difference a little mix feeding vs ebf would make at this stage is an issue when balanced against all the other factors.

noblegiraffe Thu 21-Feb-13 08:42:10

The OP had to top up her DC1 from birth, it affected her supply and she had to give up bfing before she wanted to. I imagine that was quite difficult to deal with emotionally. This time, she's got it sorted, able to ebf and yet her husband is suggesting that once again formula is on the table. Not because the baby is starving but because bfing is a bit inconvenient.
OP doesn't want to give formula, understandably so given how hard she has worked to avoid giving formula.
I think another three months until solids isn't really that big an ask for her. And ff won't take away from the fact that DC1 will occasionally need to wait for attention.

I don't think her DH is necessarily being selfish to raise the idea - that seems a bit strong. But I think he should recognise that it's largely her decision, and she's happy continuing as she is - which will be best for her baby and not make any significant difference to DS or probably DH come to that !

GirlOutNumbered Thu 21-Feb-13 09:12:49

My DH loves the fact that I ebf so he's doesnt have to do night feeds!

I have a toddler too and he just has to wait while I feed. It's fine as he gets all my attention when baby is sleeping.

At three months the hard work is done and they will start to feed less, YANBU to put baby first.

jellybeans Thu 21-Feb-13 10:00:22

YANBU at all. I hate the argument that men should have equal everything including feeding the baby. selfish! It should be about the baby and not dad! I bf twins also while having a toddler, it was fine. I ebf DC5 for 11 months and DH is still very close to him.

jellybeans Thu 21-Feb-13 10:03:00

'Can you imagine if a mum came on here and said she wanted to bath her baby but her husband always claims it as "his" task so she can't?'

hmm It is nothing like that. Bf is best for baby! I HAD to ebf DC5 as he had severe reflux. Dad can bond without feeding pretty well! Men don't have breast milk ffs! Not all women can express-I couldn't. Why are people so bent on making out mothers and fathers are exactly the same for a newborn baby?

YANBU I have solely breastfed dd2 and managed to do it even while monitoring dd1 on a climbing frame using a stretchy wrap sling. Dd2 doesn't do bottles, plus I just couldn't be bothered with the faff. Only thing is now I want to go out a bit more I am a bit stuck. If you might want the odd hour off at some point it is something worth thinking about. Some tips to get more when expressing are:

Express first thing in the morning

Express while feeding on the other side

Express after a bath or shower

Drink fennel tea

Get a better pump or one better suited to you.

pollypandemonium Thu 21-Feb-13 10:26:02

If dc2 is being weighed regularly and a good weight then it may be that you problem is more around negotiating attention to your toddler. With the right approach he will get used to the fact that he can share mummy with baby. Try to get one to one time with him regularly and he will be fine. Don't feel guilty this is a normal stage for a first born to go through.

CSIJanner Thu 21-Feb-13 11:48:07

Try a ringsling or a stretchy woven sling (Moby/ wrapsody/ Kari-Me) carrying and BF at the same time. You might be better going onto FB and searching FSOT slings and things, asking the ladies (and gents) advice there. A lot of the mums I know manage to sling and BF at the same time which allows for hands free writing, cooking, working, sibling time!

Also, babies get so used to the sling that even daddy can calm them down when they carry them in one (with maybe a scarf or a iece of your clothing) whereas before they couldn't. Would your DH be open to trying a sling?

I feel you pain though. I had to entertain a 3yo whilst nursing/recovering from a c-section and it was difficult but we got a routine and muddled through. DH now thinks I should stop nursing and put LO2 on cows milk. I told him it was bloody rude to call me that! You need to do what you feel is best - you are bound to feel guilt over LO1 as they've had your undivided attention all this time before. I did but once LO2 was old enough to allow a few hours between feeds, I made sure that I spent some quality time with LO1. Might even make the cinema for no doubt another cartoon next week grin

TryDrawing Thu 21-Feb-13 12:06:08

Arf grin at dads struggling to bond with ebf babies. Dd is ebf but who does she go to and kiss in the morning?

And I quote: "Dadadadadadadadadadadada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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