Mumsnet Talk

I have been dating someone for just over a month, so obviously not been together long, but all going great and we have already said I love you etc.

I was bored tonight and on Facebook and starting browsing through his photos. When I saw a photo of his family - he only mentioned his brother and father to me and there was another man and woman in the photo (both tagged with the same surname as bf)

I clicked on the mans and realised it was bf's older brother and the woman is his SIL - again not friends on facebook. The odd part is they are not friends on facebook - even though they clearly were 2 years ago.

This couple have children, two girls who are his nieces and so he has clearly cut off contact with them too.

I know facebook isn't everything and you delete people all the time - but to delete a sibling?

I don't know whether to find this odd.

Not odd at all you've no idea what has gone on between them. So you can either ask him, or wait for him to tell you.

Maybe it's a cousin?

Snooping always ends badly just ask him.

Also "I love you" in a month and passed off as "etc" those words are far too cheap these days.

How can you tell they were friends on fb two years ago?

Also, maybe the sibling deleted your boyfriend. Would that make a difference?

Why would it be odd?

How can you tell they were friends on fb two years ago?

Because he uploaded the photo himself of them all and they were tagged in it.

Just ask him! Could be a cousin or anything. Could be they left facebook.

How do you know it's his brother?

I wouldn't call this a warning sign, you're jumping to conclusions. Unless you are looking/hoping for a warning sign, in which case reconsider your relationship!

Also someone who is friends with both of them could have done the tagging. It doesn't mean they were ever Facebook friends.

Wow, that is certainly jumping to a lot of ridiculous conclusions!!

Tbh, you sound like the first warning sign. Not facebook crap.

What on earth would be the issue anyway? That he dared to have issues with family members to the extent that they were no long facebook friends? That he didn't tell you his life story before he said I love you?

I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.

Could be a cousin or uncle etc... I have been befriended by cousins and Aunt for telling them to fuck off after making sexist jokes. I think it's blown over now - they didn't say owt at Christmas - but no-one' s bothered enough about FB to refriend, basically. And my DF has recently disowned me, though he's not on FB to defriend me, because I asked him not to get drunk around my 2 yo (he's an alcoholic). So (1) you don't know who defriended whom (2) whether it actually means anything and (3) whether you would actually support the decision to cut ties. Possibly a bit early to be writing him off.

well I am sure it is, but you dont have any proof whatsoever that this is the case here... if I were your boyfriend I would be running a mile in the opposite direction if I read this..

'I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.'

Yes, it is, and people generally only do it for extremely personal reasons and not without carefully examining those reasons.

You clearly know very little about this man and I feel sorry that you're judging him like this

Maybe one of them has been found guilty of sexual offences against a child?
You have no idea why he's cut them out- there could be dozens of reasons, all of them healthy, sensible reasons for him to have done that. Perhaps it was them who cut him out?

Cutting ties is often an excellent decision and a sign of good mental health in the face of toxic behaviour.

I'd take the fact he told you he loved you after just 1 month as a warning sign. He obviously uses the word so easily. I'd be worried about that. Not some nonsense on fb.

Maybe they deleted their accounts?

As I asked above, what if your boyfriend wasn't the one who chose to cut the family from his life, if this is what has happened? What if his brother/cousin/whatever cut your boyfriend out? Would it be different then, or would you still judge him?

maybe THEY cut HIM out....

Crikey, you sound hard work.

You're judging him based on nothing. Great relationship, keep it up!

I have cut out members of my family.

I am perfectly capable of having a normal, non abusive, relationship.

If this man truely loved you he would already have told you about this part of his life. But I expect that after only a month he feels it too soon.

Wow you jumped to some big conclusions there. How on earth do you get from seeing someone with the same name to working out that he has cut off a sibling??

Lets not take it to the level of personal remarks shall we? I'm sure you are all intelligent enough to give an opinion without having sly and bitchy digs.

I no longer speak to my toxic mother and druggie brother, vwst decision I ever made. Cutting family out if your life isn't always a bad thing. I assume since he hasn't told you about it (if your assumption is correct) he feels its none of your business yet.

Macklemore,

You sound v young, thats all. Relax, they may be the kind of people who once you met them you would think he was right to cut them out.

yep, hard work..

How on earth do you get from seeing someone with the same name to working out that he has cut off a sibling??

He has the same name, has the other brother listed as his brother and the same mum.

Assuming same dad too as they have the same surname.

I love yous within a month, and now further jumping to conclusions??!!

You're not one to wait and see are you? Sheesh!

Good luck with all that!

They're not sly or bitchy digs, it's just we base our lives and relationships on far more than what's written on the dreaded fb

We need to share our hard earned wisdom with you.

You only want to date people with perfectly happy family relationships with all their siblings? And take it as a "first warning sign" (nothing like being pessimisstic, eh?) in your relationship?

Good luck with that one.

If I was your DP, I'd take your reaction as the first warning sign...

Alternatively, as has been pointed out above, saying I love you after only a month is one of the most reliable "warning signs" there is...

I have to also say, I always took it as a "warning sign" if a man was too dependent on his family and lived in their pockets, instead of having an independent life.

Alternatively, as has been pointed out above, saying I love you after only a month is one of the most reliable "warning signs" there is..

I read a thread on here not too long ago about fast relationships and saying they don't work

So many posters came on and said you're wrong, we said I love you in a week, we moved in after 2 weeks. We just knew.

And no-one said anything bad about those people.

Well OP I think it's potentially odd and quite possibly a warning sign and best thing to do is ask and see if it pans out that way. Loads of people on MN seem to have serious issues with their family (as you can see from all the replies) but for me it would certainly not be normal to cut off family, I'd want to know why, I'd feel I almost certainly wouldn't get the full story and I'd wonder if I really wanted to get involed in a family like that.

Hth

I've cut two people from my immediate family off of facebook

The first because she was dating someone who social services disapproved of and didn't want in her home with her children. I disagreed with her life choice, but also with my job and other things I do with children, I did not want there to be a link to her partner.

The second I cut off because of her constant annoying status updates and ridiculous photos.

My point is, the reason for cutting someone out could be something, it could be nothing.

Maybe they came off facebook because your boyfriend had a bunny boiler girlfriend in the past who was stalking all his family and making wild accusations of rifts etc...

Maybe squeaky but I thank the Lord that I am not you. Bitterness oozes out of every post you make - for the record I have never seen you say anything nice to anyone, instead you would rather be cruel.

Says a lot about you.

For me to cut a family off is a big thing, immediate family especially. To cut off your brother and sil and therefore ultimately making the choice to no longer be involved in your nieces life isn't something I should just dismiss.

Bitterness.. lol!!!

I am not the one who sounds crazy on this thread love...

I have permanently estranged relatives (mother, siblings)

I would like to think people don't decide I am a no-hoper because of it!

I was a mentally unstable high-maintenance nightmare BEFORE I binned them. Not so much now.

you see it as a warning sign that someone you're seeing unfriended someone on facebook? seriously? Here have this grip. (mn can we have a grip emoticon pleaaasssse????)

Fwiw op how do you know it's his brother?

You are bonkers why have you got it in your head that he cut them out?

Maybe they just posted shit status updates/pictures all day long, or your boyfriend did, and so they just deleted each other?

Maybe the brother stopped using facebook and he had a 'cleanup' of his friends.

Hey, hang about.

I'm with leavethe.

How do you know he deleted them, or for any bad reason?

I love my brothers dearly but they barely ever use facebook and I wouldn't be at all fussed if they deleted me. We just don't happen to communicate like that. DH doesn't even have a facebook profile any more, so his brothers aren't on there.

After just one month, I think you're jumping the gun.

Why not just ask him about his family and go from his responses, not from amateur detective work on facebook?

My DH and his brother don't speak and have unfriended each other on Facebook. If we weren't together and he was dating someone new I doubt he'd mention his brother for a while.

There's nothing wrong with DH or his brother or sinister in their relationship. They are just very different people with very different lives who ended up arguing too often when they were together so DH decided to step away and has been much happier since.

I removed my BIL from my friends on FB because he posts drivel which I find irritating. I haven't cut him out of my life, I just don't want him posting drivel that my friends can see.

Some people post really irritating stuff on FB, it can be racist, those stupid chain things, stuff about ill children they don't know or comments that are cryptic to most but clearly digs at people. Obviously the people who post these things have different ideas about what is good FB material to me. I hide people who repeatedly post rubbish unless they are also likely to post rubbish that my other friends will see, in which case I have to delete them as I have work friends on FB and I can't afford for my professional reputation to be damaged.

I think the first warning sign may be that you are thinking interns of "warning signs".

What I find odd is that you've jumped to the conclusion that he's cut them out his life (dramatic, much?). And that you've said your I love yous already.

I don't think you're unreasonable to hope what you feel for each other is long term, I have a long lasting marriage which began a bit too quickly, but you would probably dismiss what I thought because you'd disapprove of me having members of my immediate family that I'd cross the road to avoid.

And it's pretty shit to bring in what you think of sqeakytoys other posts onto the thread, point scoring.

Yes I understand that you have worked out that he has a sibling but to assume he's cut him off just because 1) they are not FB friends and 2) he hasn't talked about him during your long meaningful relationship - just not a link that I would ever make myself.
When I was "dating" Facebook didn't even exist so we couldn't stalk our new boyfriends in those days. Perhaps that was a good thing

May I ask how old you are?

I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.

It is. But you don't use Facebook, of all things, to draw any sort of valid conclusions about the family life of people you didn't previously know existed.

Don't judge your bf based on internet bollocks. Have a sensible conversation with him.

You can't even be sure it's a sibling without asking. It could be a cousin or even a friend with the same surname (unless the surname is very unusual).

Actually, for all you know, the 'brother' and his wife and kids could all have died in a bizarre gardening accident and that's why your new BF doesn't like to mention them to you.

But you do sound a bit of a drama llama. Are you 15?

SolidGoldBrass the OP already explained that they had listed the other brother as his brother and have the same mum - and same surname so probably have the same dad.

Brother and wife are most probably still alive if they both have Facebook too

My sister cut me off after she was annoyed because I requested a repayment of some money I loaned her daughter...does that make me someone to be wary of?

Don't let FB get in the way of real life.

I think you're reading way too much into this. They could have left FB, left then rejoined, one of them said something a bit dodge and decided to delete the other, one of them had a tantrum and unfriended in a fit of pique and never got round to refriending.

I'm not friends with my SIL on FB. I don't hate her or anything, I'm just not friends with her. Also my mum friended me, I accepted, she commented on a photo of me smoking, INSTANT defriend. It meant nothing, I just didn't want her commenting on every photo like that.

What makes you think he deleted them rather then they deleted him?

They might have chosen to stop using Facebook all together.

I would say you stalking online is a warning sign to him that you're a bit odd.

I still maintain you don't know that they were ever friends on Facebook! Why not ask him then come back and update us?

I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.

And I for one am very glad you don't have the sort of family you need to cut off. You should have a look at the stately homes thread to give you some insight into what it's like for people who do.

Saying 'I love you' after a month? Is that supposed to mean something? See how the actions bear out over a longer time period OP, rather than putting too much store in played out verbal cliches....

Well I have shut my entire FB account down, please psychoanalyse me op.
just ask him, though it will then highlight your stalkerish tendencies.

I have cut swathes of my family (including my father) out of my life and seriously limit contact with the rest. This is because they are a shower of difficult (and in some cases outright abusive) bastards for the most part. It's a good thing that I have done so.

An old friend and I had an argument recently - the crux of it was that she thought I didn't know anything about her life because I hadn't asked her; she thought she knew everything about my life because I post on Facebook quite a lot (but she hadn't asked me either).

FACEBOOK IS NOT REAL LIFE. It doesn't tell you anything very much at all about somebody's real life. They might put a joke or a photo up or make or break friends with people or be in a relationship or not in a relationship with someone. But this is just Facebook not real life.

The truth was I'd been quite depressed, but I was hardly going to update my status with 'just concentrating on getting through the day today' or 'managed to only cry 3 times today well done me' was I??

This shows that you cannot communicate with your new BF. Just say "who are these people?" instead of jumping to a hundred conclusions in your head and complicating everything.

FWIW, DH and I cut his brother out of our lives as he did some things that we were found utterly reprehensible. If I told you, you'd agree with me. It's no reflection on our characters that he is not a FB friend of ours.

I've deleted family from Facebook as they post those bloody annoying 'share if you are a massive dick' things- no falling out or anything, still close, but just hate their online presence I'm sure people have done it to me too.

I think the worst thing about FB is that it gives you the illusion of contact with people and, in doing so, can actually make you/them more isolated.

Haven't read whole thread only OPs responses.

'I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.'

Yes, it is. IF that is what has happened. If it is what has happened he may decide to tell you about it once he's known you longer.

A month is nothing.
'i love you' is irrelevant.

I've deleted and blocked my db! We have not fallen out and see each other a lot but the reason I've done it is because of SIL, she is a fruit loop and even though we weren't friends on fb (or rl) she had access to his fb and anything I wrote on it.

She goes on db's fb and writes a status then goes onto her fb and answers "him".

I have a perfectly happy marriage.

I don't speak to my mother (very toxic) or my sister (supports mother).

I'm not convinced it's a red flag. In fact, for me, cutting out a very toxic relation was the healthiest thing I could do.

Just ask him. I don't understand the drama. We can all speculate any number of reasons why he hasn't mentioned them. Maybe they were all killed in a car crash and it's too painful to talk about it? Who knows? I don't know why you have a problem with being honest about this.

I cut my dad out of my life, it hasn't impacted on my ability to be a good partner.

saying I love you after only a month is one of the most reliable "warning signs" there is...

You do need to be very wary of this. Ignore the 'but it worked for us' posters, they hit the million-to-one jackpot.

You don't know this guy, not at all, he could be anything/anyone and you won't know.

By saying ILY in the first 5m of a relationship, you are committing yourself to stick around, no matter what. A VERY dangerous place to be.

Why not read the links above Relationships, the Domestic Violence links? That'll give you a list of red flags.

That's the other thing I meant to mention. Your instincts.

If they are telling you something, LISTEN.

Did you click with this guy more than anyone ever before? Some scientists say that's instinctual FEAR, and needs to be acted on, by leaving and regaining control over your feelings/emotion.

Also, can I ask what your previous relationships have been like? That'll help us to tell you what the odds are of this being similar.

Ultimately, it may be OK, but atm, the odds are stacked against that. You don't know this guy at all. So be careful. THINK, and ask (us) questions.

OP your BF might not of been the one to tag them it could of been the brother you were told about.

I have three siblings, one half, one full and one step. I'm very close to my sister (full) she is my friend on FB, the others aren't due to different interests having very different lives not wanting them to see photos of me pissed it doesn't mean I have "cut them out of my life", when people ask me about my siblings I often only mention my sister as she is the one who is prominent in my life, and I don't always want to go into the ins and outs of my family dynamic.

Don't jump to conclusions, he might not have mentioned them due to a strained relationship there might be a huge backstory and you have NO IDEA what it might be.

Your BF will tell you when he is ready.

You really need to ask him. As others have said, maybe they are cousins, maybe they stopped using facebook which would result in them being deleted from his friends, maybe they died.

It's a pretty big conclusion to jump to that this is a warning sign in your relationship. In fact it is much more of a warning sign that you resort to stalking him on facebook, then making up your version of the truth, then publishing it on a public forum without asking him first!

It's facebook. There's loads of reasons why they might not be friends on there. I deleted FIL because it was like having a stalker. He 'liked' every single comment I made or picture I put on and would comment on every little thing. I also thought he was storing stuff up to comment on. So I'd maybe say I'd baked with the kids and made say cakes & biscuits and when Dh would phone he'd say that he hoped the kids hadn't been allowed to eat them all because it's not very healthy. Dh would then explain they were for the cake sale at school but it made me feel I had to be careful what I put on there so it was easier to delete him and BIL/SIL.

Perhaps his brother and wife live in the attic, sitting in rocking chairs and never mentioned? .

Or, his brother closed his fb account like loads of people do because its invasive and a bit shit?
seriously, just ask him. People have forgotten how to use speech these days with all this typing <mutters to self>

none of your business. I have cut off my brother, and my lovely cousin who im still close to deleted me from facebook because shes weird about facebook, not about me.

Hope my bf doesnt think its a red flag

Althoiugh if I'd been dating someone a month and they said 'I've checked your FB photos and there is a man with the same name as you who I assule is your brother with his wife, and therefore also your two nieces and I wonder why you are no longer FB friends with them even though you were 2 years ago as it's a huge deal to cut out members of your family...?'- I'd run a fking mile

I'm married to a man who doesn't talk to brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties it happens it's his choice his life and his family, it's all for very good reasons which I stay out of, having only ever heard his side of the story, not sure why that makes a blind bit of difference to the person you love?

YABU OP

You are really jumping to conclusions. But even if your boyfriend has cut ties with his sibling, you have only been dating a month, so perhaps he hasn't shared all his major emotional trials with you just yet

You sound like you are getting a bit intense about this relationship already - it has only been a few weeks!

I dont understand the 'tag' thing - I have dead people tagged in my photos - they've never been on FB (on acount of them being dead). Perhaps his brother doesnt have FB?Perhaps the whole family were wiped in a tragic accident?

A whole lot of perhaps.

Mind you - have you met any of his family yet?

If I was him I would see this as a warning sign about you.

Far too much snooping.

Reason 964 to leave Facebook.

Thanks OP ya weird snoopy nutter

I really don't understand why anyone would use photos on facebook as a relationship marker. Unless he was stark stonking naked with his arms round a couple of donkeys in which case I may have a couple of questions.

Why don't you just ask him?

I think the op is unfairly being called "stalker" because she's looking at her new bf's profile. So she INBU to have a look and be curious about the family dynamics but she WBU if she has logged into his account and snooping through his messages. She is also BU to think that because he hasn't mention and isn't fb friends with older db that its a warning sign.

OP, just ask him.

Has no-one so far commented to you that searching in this amount of detail through a new boyfriend's Facebook might be seen as a little obsessive or bunny boilerish, OP? I mean, who really cares that much? If I had a new boyfriend that had done that, I'd think him odd, and would be looking out for any futher signs of oddness, and think about ending it.

What will you do if, God forbid, you see him having a small disagreement with another family member in your presence? How strict are you?

Ok, lets say you are correct. Dp has cut out his brothers family from his life as recently as the last two years.

And!?

I really don't see how this is a 'warning sign'
Yes, in your position I would be very intrigued and dying to ask him ( although I'd probably wait for him to tell me) but you have known him A MONTH. There is going to be lots of things you haven't found out about him yet. Fwiw, I have completely cut my own brother out of my life. It is not something I discuss with people openly but it is certainly not some big dirty secret. It is really not that unusual, some people do think blood is overrated and unless you have experienced a toxic relationship with somebody, you really can't comment.

On a side note, in my situation, I have not cut out my nieces and nephews. I still send presents etc. Via my parents. Maybe he does the same.

Oh I see that they have

I've cut my mum out of my life but would not be prepared to discuss these reasons with someone I barely knew after dating for one month. I don't understand why you think it's a warning sign. You have no idea what went on. People don't divulge their entire past history to someone they've been seeing for five minutes and if they did THAT would be more of a warning sign. You sound very insecure and someone who doesn't have a clear idea of boundries in a relationship.

I've unfriended my brother on Facebook. Can't be doing with the gazillions of football updates. My daughter unfriends me every 5 minutes time I tell her off for something. It means nothing.

YABU and exhibiting warning sign behaviour.

The biggest alarm bell OP, is that you can't ask your boyfriend (whom you claim to love) these questions yourself.

I think you should end the relationship. You can't ask him about it without admitting you were snooping and being judgemental. It all seems a bit broken already.

Snooping and I love you and snap judgements, all within the space of a month - do both of you a favour and move on, I reckon.

Oh and your reaction to squeakytoy really shows you in a bad light.

I think that the biggest red flag is snooping on someone after only a month.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

I have defriended family for a variety of reasons.

Sending me game requests, "10000 likes and this girl gets a new liver" pictures, typing in text speak ect.

My DP doesn't have his sister on Facebook. They speak often. They just haven't added each other. Hardly a red flag. They have pics of them together that have both of them tagged by mutual friends/family, I'd hardly say it was a red flag.

I must admit though, I love a good Facebook snoop. Any new person I meet will be snooped and secretly judged where applicable but that's part of human nature I think trying to justify stalkerish tendencies

How is having a look through someones fb photos snooping BBJ?

It implies she's being a bit sly about it.

BuzzardBird
Or, his brother closed his fb account like loads of people do because its invasive and a bit shit?

Repeating this, because it's so accurate.

Lol Squeaky.

OP you are ignorant of the facts. I think he is better off without you!

my BIL (dhs' hubby) deleted me off facebook. They stopped coming around, dont send cards, ignore the kids birthdays.

DH still talks to him occasionally, but is annoyed at how he's treating me.

I have no idea what i've done, but i feel like i'm being avoided. DH has challenged him about it, but we've had no response.

This weekend we're all going to be in same place for friends leaving do.. i will be spending it trying to stop DH from confronting BIL in public..

^ why?

Hairy hands again?

Bwa ha ha

You can tag people who aren't or ever were on Facebook.
Tagging means nothing.

If at one point they were on Facebook and his 'friends' then another explanation is that they are no longer on Facebook.

My sister and her husband used to be on my friends list, but removed themselves a few years ago because of privacy concerns.

Doesn't mean we have fallen out though

.

They're out in force tonight, aren't they

how weird, of all the
thread topics in all the land

.

We have family who we had to remove from fb because of petty jealousy issues.

Mil was being really shitty over seeing one pic of my mum with my ds! That pathetic! She was a right bitch about it so we removed her as mil said she couldn't stand seeing any pics of ds with any of my family.

She is still in our lives unfortunately, just not on our fb.

I do wonder what other people and other family think who don't know what went on!

I was just about to come on and ask why this was still here when the other one went pfft.
And to think I got told off by another poster with pointing out a name change.
Grrrr.

Aww what did I miss?

red flag alert

Before we go... 'Dhs' hubby' SeniorWrangler?! Sounds intriguing

.

Still here? Has there been a delivery of gin at MNHQ?

shh, you werent supposed to notice that!

Oh - I'm so slow. What has everyone clearly suddenly realised? Is this a typical school holiday thread, iyswim
<confused>

.

That's weird, it went and now its back!

Eh?

Ask him?

You put a daft thread in, a daft thread out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about...

I don't get why this thread is going to be deleted..?

Sure, it is silly, but arent there lots of silly threads on fb?

OP is a confirmed troll redplasticspoon.

But what boring trolliry! Was the other one more interesting?

OP must be the worst troll ever. Yawn!

.