Another thoughtless example of DP's selfishness

(114 Posts)
mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:12

Its my birthday tomorrow. .

DP turned to me a moment ago and said "so, what do you want for your birthday then?"

Translated this means: I haven't got you anything, but I have asked so don't say I didn't try.

My obvious look of disappointment then prompted him to sulk like a child. No doubt my fault for not giving him clear present buying instructions. Arse.

AIBU to be just a little bit pissed off?


I would be "forgetting" his birthday. But I am petty like that!

Cailinsalach Mon 18-Feb-13 22:49:00

My ex was like this. He often forgot entirely. He once popped some money in an envelope. I did the weekly shop with it.Arse.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 18-Feb-13 22:49:48


coraltoes Mon 18-Feb-13 22:49:51

"find a better husband than you you cheap fuck" would have been my response

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 18-Feb-13 22:51:04

shock I hope he's kidding...!

LisaMed Mon 18-Feb-13 22:54:40

If you do not give clear instructions about your birthday then do not expect anything <v bitter>

Last but one I asked for something from Cath Kidston. I gave him the directions to the shop, a few pointers and a price range. OH found the right street, went to the shop opposite and bought me a dvd. I like documentaries on dvd. This was one that I had described, and he had repeated the description, as woollier than a knitters' convention and more padded than a starlet's bra. Last one was a book I asked him not to buy me and a book I will never, ever use.

blush sorry for venting hijack. Can you tell that Mother's Day is coming up and will once again be vile.

Smartiepants79 Mon 18-Feb-13 22:56:23

Why is HE sulking? Prat.

TwoKidsAndCounting Mon 18-Feb-13 23:00:55

Mine is like this, takes me weeks to get over it. I think it's a control thing and they don't get you anything because its expected of them and they don't like to do things that others think they should, bla bla. That's my theory anyway, I always do look too much into thing! :/

Bobyan Mon 18-Feb-13 23:04:37

Leave the bastard.

mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 23:06:58

Catching - I wish he was!

wannabe - He's already told me he wants a party for his BDay. I don't think i'll bother.

He'll now do one of two things:

A) panic buy a lame gift that he thinks I'll like. Probably a bottle of crap perfume and the line 'it's your favourite right?'


B) Just tell me to get a haircut or something.

YouTheCat Mon 18-Feb-13 23:07:50

Is this indicative of other behaviour? Has he any redeeming features?

It does smack of a total lack of thought on his part though. How is he about his own birthdays?

mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 23:16:34

Lisamed - I thought you were going to say he came out with a tea towel!

Youthecat - Yes, afraid it is indicative of other selfish traits and yes expects royal treatment on his birthday.

This year my gift to him is likely to involve half a dozen bin bags and a permanent trip to his mothers.

mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 23:18:38

Oh and smartiepants, he sulks because it will of course be MY fault that I'm without gift because I didn't tell him what I wanted when asked (at 10.30pm the night before).

aldiwhore Mon 18-Feb-13 23:21:31

Under no circumstances make a fuss of him on his birthday... watch him flunce and sulk (as he will, as it will be all your fault) then give him those binbags, and don't forget the bow.

It may feel petty "it's only a birthday" and if it wasn't part of a bigger picture or happened rarely (My DH genuinely forgot my birthday one year, but in his defence he was working away and thought it was the week after... he went out of his way to make up for it) but it sounds like he thinks of you and your feeling rarely.

He's sulking?? Knobber. Turn your blinkers on, pretend he's not there, let him sulk and enjoy the peace x

YouTheCat Mon 18-Feb-13 23:28:08

Treat yourself to something lovely and ignore him. Make plans to go out with friends without him if possible.

And when it's his birthday, do nothing and then ask him what he wants the night before. See how he likes it.

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 18-Feb-13 23:37:22

Use this birthday as a benchmark for the effort to put into his birthday. If he's not bothered doing anything special for you then under no circumstances should you throw him a party.

SashaSashays Mon 18-Feb-13 23:43:19

1) Ignore his birthday

2) Take his credit card and go out for a nice lunch/something you would like to do and buy yourself a decent present. Obviously not the same but would make me feel better. I'd even be tempted to buy something like a giant strap on and spend the next week torturing him with the idea you're expecting to use it, then insist he takes it back to the shop wink

Has he said what will be happening to celebrate your birthday?

mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 23:47:32

Its becoming a theme. Last year he was ill on my birthday and when I arranged to go out for dinner without him, he called me a 'selfish bitch'.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch. So I may, drop the DCs off with DM and stay out until I'm sufficiently inebriated and passed caring. Next year will be different i'm sure of that.

AudrinaAdare Mon 18-Feb-13 23:51:23

He is sulking? shock

What a wanker!

DH and I don't do anything for occasions these days but it is talked about and agreed upon.

He sounds like a proper twat.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Feb-13 23:54:39

Am I the only person who would leave someone who called me a "selfish bitch"?

YouTheCat Mon 18-Feb-13 23:56:47

How ill was he? Are we talking a touch of man flu here? Or something that required him being looked after?

Still not on to call you a selfish bitch though.

Goldmandra Mon 18-Feb-13 23:57:55

DH either gets me wine and chocolates from Tesco from DCs or something he wants for Christmas and birthdays.

This Christmas I dropped hints galore about an iPad around birthday and Christmas. I had got wine and chocs for two previous birthdays and Christmases, same again this one, and a camera he wanted for this Christmas. I had told him straight that I didn't want to replace my camera. He did.

The day after Boxing Day I bought myself and iPad. I love it. The DCs love it. He hates it.

It isn't just can't be bothered. It's also about being disorganised. He invited lots of friends round for my 40th and then organised nothing in the way of food/drink so he told me a few days beforehand and I had to sort it all out. I am sure he had intended to sort it all then not got round to it and suddenly realised it was getting too late.

No point in taking offence. I was just able to spend a significant amount on me without feeling at all guilty because it covered a few birthdays and Christmases.

It was his birthday yesterday. He got beer and chocolates from the DCs. I didn't have to feel guilty for not getting round to sorting a decent present.

mumstonic Tue 19-Feb-13 00:05:40

Youthecat yep a simple dose of man flu, which in his world means dying. Of course this requires my undivided attention, waitress service and lots of fuss. He once called me from upstairs because the TV remote was just inches from his reach. He was hanging off the sofa, with his arm out stretched groaning like a twat.

YouTheCat Tue 19-Feb-13 00:07:41

He would have had something more to groan about if he'd done that to me. grin

SashaSashays Tue 19-Feb-13 00:18:59

You need to give him a reality check. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way?

MechanicalTheatre Tue 19-Feb-13 00:22:26

He sounds like a total twat.

mumstonic Tue 19-Feb-13 00:26:11

Sasha - Its the tip of the iceberg really. This is just another example of his selfish, thoughtless behavior. I'm going to make some changes and pretty soon too....

SashaSashays Tue 19-Feb-13 00:29:57

Do not allow yourself to be treated like this, if this is the tip of the iceberg, your relationship sounds like a great big floating mound of frozen wank!

I can't remember it exactly but that saying "you can't change someone but you can change your relationship with them" is so relevant to this.

Asking you to get the remote like that when it wasn't even a joke, that is disrespectful to the nth degree. Do not allow him to further humiliate you, I would be bloody incandescent if DH behaved in the ways you've described.

You should buy that giant dildo I suggested, and whack him round the chops with it. What a bellend.

ComradeJing Tue 19-Feb-13 00:39:27

Jesus shock


SashaSashays Tue 19-Feb-13 00:52:15

Sorry I just realised what I've posted might not be the ideal sentiment on what is now your special day.

Happy Birthday thanks have some wine enjoy your day and annihilate the guy on Wednesday.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 19-Feb-13 01:02:38

I really just don't get it.

At what point did he have a lobotomy and morph from someone worth dating and being nice enough to spend time with, into an arsehole of the highest order?

mumstonic Tue 19-Feb-13 07:56:55

Thank you Sasha x

Well, he bought me tea in bed this morning. Unfortunately, no surprise gift or even a card (he'll buy that from the garage on the way home from work no doubt).

Midnight he wasn't always like this. In fact take heed ladies he is one that started out good all diamonds and romantic gestures but morphed into a selfish arse. It wasn't over night either, just a very slow process from Mr thoughtful to Mr thoughtless.

baskingseals Tue 19-Feb-13 08:35:08

happy birthday mumstonic, hope you enjoy your lunch.

don't let dh stop you having a lovely day. deal with him later


BambieO Tue 19-Feb-13 08:38:51

I would be mightily pissed off about the card. DH knows if there isn't a card in the morning then not to bother at all, it just shows that it would be purchased as an afterthought 'oh better get a card it's her bday today' rather than 'its DWs birthday she deserves a nice day'

It doesn't take much to get a card in advance even if no present. I would tell him thanks when he comes in and leave it unopened

Sugarice Tue 19-Feb-13 08:39:27

Happy Birthday thanks and enjoy that lunch grin.

I hope he pulls out all the stops and makes an effort to get you something nice.

Does he work in a job that means he can get into town?

mumstonic Tue 19-Feb-13 17:47:08

Sugar and basking thanks for the birthday messages.

I was told to fuck off this morning during a phone call, all because i said I was upset by the lack of card.

He is still not home, even though he is self employed and can flex his hours. He usually gets home at 4.00pm yesterday it was 3.00pm. Its now 5.45pm and no sign of him and he's not answering his phone.

I haven't prepared dinner as I was hoping we may go out or he would cook. The kids are starving he'll know this. This is mind games isn't it? He is purposely doing this to upset me.

I predict he'll come home with an excuse about some work catastrophe and i'll be made to feel mental for being just a bit upset.

YouTheCat Tue 19-Feb-13 17:50:14

Aw Mumstonic, that is utterly shit of him.

Get those kids fed and order yourself a nice take away. Do you have wine/mates to go and see once he's back/something nice to do for you?

Hope your birthday improves, vastly.

Buzzardbird Tue 19-Feb-13 18:07:25

Happy Birthday mumstonic and good luck with sorting this situation out. thanks

FlowerTruck Tue 19-Feb-13 18:14:05

Happy Birthday wine thanks

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Tue 19-Feb-13 18:25:08

order in and don't bother getting him any, drink wine until you no longer care then LTB

fluckered Tue 19-Feb-13 18:30:43

maybe its my rearing or what not but i see it all the time not just on here, grown women sulking over birthdays and no presents/cards. i just honestly dont get it. birthdays and presents and parties are for kids imo.

anyways happy bday and treat yourself to something nice on his behalf.

YouTheCat Tue 19-Feb-13 18:36:17

That works great for some, Fluckered, if both partners don't make a big deal of birthdays. But OP's partner expects a fuss when it's his. Also the only one sulking was the OP's dp.

What's wrong with wanting a little bit of consideration?

Hissy Tue 19-Feb-13 18:43:45

Please don't tell me the DC are his? I hope not, cos what a shite example...

Take the kids OUT for dinner, so when the fucker gets home, he can sulk in a cold empty house.

Seriously, you need to give him the elbow, make THAT the birthday gift to yourself.

Euphemia Tue 19-Feb-13 18:59:05

What an absolute cock. I have nothing constructive. Angry on your behalf.

StuntGirl Tue 19-Feb-13 19:04:25

birthdays and presents and parties are for kids imo.

In your opinion. Not an opinion everyone, including the OP and her husband, share.

bigkidsdidit Tue 19-Feb-13 19:05:50

What a wanker. Seriously, he sounds shite sad

GloryWhole Tue 19-Feb-13 19:09:14

maybe its my rearing or what not but i see it all the time not just on here, grown women sulking over birthdays and no presents/cards. i just honestly dont get it. birthdays and presents and parties are for kids imo.

I don't think it's the lack of presents/card that is upsetting OP the most. It appears to be the fact that her partner is a selfish, thoughtless, moody fucker.

ThePavlovianCat Tue 19-Feb-13 19:11:13

It's the childishness on top of the thoughtlessness that it making me infuriated on your behalf OP. I hope you have gone out/stayed in with a nice takeaway with your DCs and enjoyed yourself without him!

Wereonourway Tue 19-Feb-13 19:14:03

Oh op what a twat he is.
My ex was the same, said Xmas and birthdays weren't important til it was his.
It seeped into other areas too, he could spend what he wanted on whatever yet I'd have to justify every single spend.
I recall one weekend where 200 quid had disappeared from ourmy bills account after a bender of his. He woke up on Monday morning and asked had I really needed to buy a new doormat. It could have waited til the following week etc. a fucking doormat ffs!
I hope this isn't the case for you but I suspect it is, reading between the lines.
Oh and happy birthday! Ditch that knob and let him be entitled and arse holish alone

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Tue 19-Feb-13 19:20:11

Oh dear hmm hopefully he's running late after arranging your nice surprise [clutching straws emoticon] otherwise he is just being a prize twat.
Happy Birthday anyway lovely, go to bed with a pizza and wine and work out when you're going to throw him out wink

wineandroses Tue 19-Feb-13 19:30:36

Op, please don't wait around at home, take your DC out for a nice meal (even if it's just somewhere like Nandos or Wagamama - kids love those places). Assuming your DC aren't tiny. Though even if they are - one late night won't do any harm.

Does your arse of a husband have any redeeming features? He sounds like a mean, sulky twat to me. And I can't abide meanness - generally it's indicative of a lack of generosity in many things, especially kindness.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 19-Feb-13 19:47:09

Hopefully the OP hasn't came back yet as she's at her surprise party thrown by her DP.

AScorpionPitForMimes Tue 19-Feb-13 20:03:17

DH and I don't make a big fuss about birthdays, but we definitely get cards and a thoughtful present. It's tricky for DH, because he doesn't drive and there's not much in the way of shops, so he tends to give me money to choose something - but this is fine by me, because you can never have too many pairs of earrings or shoes.

Thing is, this works for us and is by mutual agreement. The OP's OH is just a selfish twat.

Sugarice Tue 19-Feb-13 20:06:35

What a spiteful git he is.

Hope your lack of reply is because you're out having a nice meal.

Update if you can.

deleted203 Tue 19-Feb-13 20:12:36

mumstonic Happy birthday, and hope it has improved somewhat!

Last year's birthday was crap (thanks to him)

This year's birthday was crap (thanks to him)

Does it not tell you that by next year's birthday he needs to be out of the picture entirely?

mumstonic I hope your birthday hasn't been a total wipeout. In guessing by your posts you've had enough.

I hope you & the kids went out & had a nice time? Or something similar. I hope you don't end up rowing on your birthday (1 day a year to be put first is that too much to ask fluckered ?)just ignore him & row tomorrow. x

Snazzynewyear Tue 19-Feb-13 20:20:00

I also hope you've gone out to eat with the kids and left him to come home to an empty house. Selfish git.

My DH is not bothered by cards etc but he knows I am, and because he loves me and wants me to be happy he takes care to get a nice card and present I will like ahead of the day. There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your birthday - if people don't want to that's their choice, but shouldn't make others feel bad for wanting to. It is a fairly widespread custom in our culture after all!

Noodlenoon Tue 19-Feb-13 20:25:55

My husband believes every celebration was invented by the card industry and that it's a waste of trees. I argue that we recycle but he doesn't seem to notice.

YouTheCat Tue 19-Feb-13 22:28:19

Mumstonic, I hope you've managed to have some fun.

NotSoNervous Tue 19-Feb-13 22:34:19

Happy Birthday wine

Your DH is an arse

starfishmummy Tue 19-Feb-13 22:45:42

Yanbu. Mine seems to have forgotten that all he gave me for my birthday was a "silly" book.
He did "investigate" the jewellery I wanted but gave up when he realised he would needed to know the size.
My birthday was in October :-(

starfishmummy Tue 19-Feb-13 22:47:46

Sorry "silly" was his description of the book, which is cross stitch patterns.......
(I do sew, but mixed media textiles rather than cross stitch hence his calling it silly because he knows it is wrong)

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 10:54:58

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry I didn't post back.

I took the DCs into town to buy a dvd and a takeaway and when we got back DP was sat on the sofa. His first line was, where have you been and whats the matter with you?

I couldn't be bothered to argue so the DCs and I ate our dinner in the playroom and watched Madagascar 3. DP stomped around for a bit muttering ffs under his breath before eventually going to bed. Nice.

He has called this morning asking if i have calmed down now. I hate that.

Does this wankstain have any redeeming features? It's all about him, isn't it?

And if DH ever called me a selfish bitch for "daring" to go out on my own birthday he would be torn a new one and probably be my ex unless the apology was huge and meant with very deep feeling.

Sugarice Wed 20-Feb-13 11:03:53

mum sorry you had such a shit response from your H.

How are you going to handle this, stew for a bit then forget or not.

What's he like the rest of the time?

ATJabberwocky Wed 20-Feb-13 11:06:38

sorry YABU,

I tell my DP all the time what I want for Christmas and Birthdays, in fact I prefer it this way because I actually get what I want instead of something I will have to pretend to like. Que present face, when you get that ugly jumper or the wrong size lingerie O_O

Sugarice Wed 20-Feb-13 11:10:59

ATJabber have you read the thread from the beginning?

Dahlen Wed 20-Feb-13 11:11:52


Seriously, whether you leave or stay for the rest of your life, not doing something drastic in response to this is NOT an option.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Wed 20-Feb-13 11:16:15

Bloody hell, OP. If this is the way he treats you on your birthday I can't imagine how he treats you the rest of the time! What a complete arse.

Hope you enjoyed your takeaway and film with the kids. Happy belated birthday thanks

Blimey - that is the worst thing you can ever say to a pissed off woman. I would be sending a text back saying 'NO! and I'm not going to, so don't bother coming home if you don't like it!'
He really does sound like a total knob.
From now on, he would be doing his own cooking, washing, shopping and cleaning.
I would be on strike for sure.
Once a year to show how much you appreciate the woman in your life is not a lot to ask.
I hope you didn't give him any of that take away!!!
Think about your future and how you want your birthday to be next year.
Work towards that!

simplesusan Wed 20-Feb-13 11:44:16

Make sure you haven't bought him anything the day before his birthday and let him know. If he makes a fuss tell him that he is making a fuss about nothing as obviously birthdays don't mean anything to him.

YouTheCat Wed 20-Feb-13 13:04:49

What a turd. You know if he'd redeemed himself a bit by calling and offering to bring home a takeaway or something he could have avoided this. But he didn't. He sulked and didn't bother answering his phone and has spoilt your birthday, again.

Catchingmockingbirds Wed 20-Feb-13 13:34:40

What an arsehole.

specialsubject Wed 20-Feb-13 13:39:43

it would be ok if he had grown out of birthday presents - but it sounds like he hasn't.

why are you bothering with this relationship? Doesn't sound like either of you get much out of it.

OhCobblers Wed 20-Feb-13 13:48:49

Bloody hell, OP. If this is the way he treats you on your birthday I can't imagine how he treats you the rest of the time! What a complete arse


I've been lurking and waiting to see what happened last night. Feel very sorry for you OP and hope you don't continue to put up with this. You deserve a lot better. Believe that.

I'm also one of those who believes that it's very nice for an adult to be spoilt on their birthday no matter how old they are. How exceedingly dull and joyless to believe that once you hit a certain age that it's wrong, silly, spoilt or whatever adjective you want to use to not expect your other half to do something to spoil you and show appreciation for you and what you do. It's not just about the children's birthdays.

Your other half gets 364 days notice that it's your birthday, they can always sort something out. Not being able to get to the shops is not an excuse. Not when we all have the benefit of online shopping.

Anyway that's an aside really as the op's other half sounds bloody awful full stop. It's clearly not just about your birthday.

Sugarice Wed 20-Feb-13 13:56:50

For me, it's not the lack of effort on this man's part regarding her birthday that stands out for me.

It's his whole 'me me me' and 'fuck you' attitude he's showing, he wants the attention and nice presents when it's special to him and is vile and belligerent when OP was clearly upset.


TheSeniorWrangler Wed 20-Feb-13 14:01:34

the initial 'what do you want for your birthday?' question wouldnt bother me, my dh usually asks me that and then takes me out shopping to get whatever it is together!

However, the lack of card and generaly dickweed behaviour is SO out of order!

Catchingmockingbirds Wed 20-Feb-13 17:30:14

I also agree that it's nice for an adult to be spoilt on their birthday too, but it's not even a case of he didn't spoil her enough, he did absolutely nothing. She didn't even get a card or a "happy birthday mumstonic" from him, nothing, his behaviour was appalling.

diddl Wed 20-Feb-13 17:45:09

Well it's obviously about more than this.

Husband & I rarely bother with presents as we never know what we would like!

But on an occasion that we do know, then we tell the other with enough time for them to get it.

We do always get cards though.

AllYoursBabooshka Wed 20-Feb-13 17:47:26

I can't abide thoughtlessness but this is way beyond that.

It's like he know he's been a crap partner and is, for some stupid reason taking it out on you. The way he speaks to you is so disrespectful, please don't put up with that. sad

DH doesn't do grand gestures but he always, without fail shows me how much he cares and I don't think that's too much to ask for on your birthday.

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 22:52:55

I'm probably going to sound really ungrateful now, but DP came home with a bunch of flowers. Now this may seem like an apology and an opportunity to move on from yesterday. HOWEVER, DP knows that I really don't like flowers. I've told him this many many times. As lovely as they are for some people, they're just not for me.

My father would buy the (many) women in his life flowers whenever he'd done something wrong or had something to hide, so in my mind they represent guilt and DP knows this. Also, money has been rather tight of late and whilst I genuinely didn't expect anything other than a card and some thought, I'd rather he didn't spend £30 on flowers.

Of course, I did accept them gracefully as there really isn't any point stewing, but I cant help thinking that he bought them out of spite. sad

LisaMed Wed 20-Feb-13 22:55:36

I wouldn't accept them graciously, and haven't in the past. Why should you accept a studied piece of nasty with grace?

LisaMed Wed 20-Feb-13 22:57:01

My experience of this, not necessarily yours, is 'here is something I know will upset you, but you will have to pretend to like and will get you to stfu'.

Hope things work out for you.

YouTheCat Wed 20-Feb-13 23:01:54

Okay... what can you think of that your husband has pointedly expressed a dislike of that you could get for him?

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 23:04:28

I think you're right, he knows it would upset me. I also think he's got them for show. His parents are visiting on Friday and he'll expect them to be on display (or though I'm probably reading too much into this now?)...

ChasedByBees Wed 20-Feb-13 23:06:41

What LisaMed said. You've made references to next year being different - are you planning to LTB? He doesn't sound like he acts in any way caring or loving to you.

LisaMed Wed 20-Feb-13 23:09:09

I am not a nice person. I would knock the vase over and fake amnesia about the flowers if his parents asked.

It isn't really about the flowers, though, is it? It's about how you feel about how he behaves to you. Do you think it is fixable? Does he realise how you feel and how much he is risking? Would he be willing to work to make things right?

I'll risk getting expelled from mumsnet and send hugs. I think you need them from somewhere.

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 23:10:25

Youthecat - Hmmm, I could always buy him tickets for a West End show, he would hate that. He's not big on cheese either, so maybe a massive block of smelly camembert or a fondue set?!

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 20-Feb-13 23:13:07

I didn't get anything from DH either. Apparently it is "in the post." My DM said she would "give me some money when she sees me." Well that won't be till the summer.

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 23:17:13

Chased - I am considering LTB, but he has nowhere to go and wouldn't go quietly. Sometimes the thought of the inevitable aftermath that would follow a separation is more worrying than just carrying on as we are. We have good days and bad, its far from ideal but we have 3 DCs two of which are little and they all adore him.

HeyToodles Wed 20-Feb-13 23:21:11

Hes playing mind games and sounds like he always wants the upper hand.

Sounds scarily like my exdp, went on a 3 day bender, spending all our money for the decorating the house - then didnt speak to me for days because I dared confront him!

Lifes too short to worry about his little moods and sulks, hope you get things sorted OP.

mumstonic Wed 20-Feb-13 23:25:35

Lisa - Thank you x

The flowers are out of sight in another room so his parents wont see them.

Yes, its more than the flowers or lack of birthday cheer. Its just another example of his utter selfishness. He has ADHD, so struggles to be accountable for his actions and very rarely apologies if he does something wrong. I've tried to understand, but I really struggle, he's also very dependable on me and its draining.

LisaMed Wed 20-Feb-13 23:30:38

Crawling off to bed now, but wishing you well. Can you work out a way so that his problems do not become your problems? Because until you either ltb (from the sound of it planned with military precision) or work out a way to be unaffected by this or protected, it will probably not get better and may get worse.

Is it currently visibly affecting kids? Do they have healthy models of how couples work? You have a lot on your plate - <<<hug>>>

YouTheCat Wed 20-Feb-13 23:31:26

I know some adults with adhd and not one of them is a selfish twat. I think if you took away the adhd, he'd probably still be thoughtless.

TheSecondComing Wed 20-Feb-13 23:42:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Thu 21-Feb-13 07:38:42

TSC, the fact that your DP has addressed the issue, and you're in agreement with his actions is a world away from a thoughtless twat muttering 'what d'ya want then?' The night before.

when you know someone actually gives a shit about you, it's a totally different ballgame.

OP's P is an example of serial humiliation. sad

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 21-Feb-13 07:45:53

TheSecondComing - have you even bothered to read the op's posts?!

Sugarice Thu 21-Feb-13 07:56:14

Take care mum.

Do you get on with his Parents?

HecateWhoopass Thu 21-Feb-13 08:02:36

He sounds awful.

What are his parents like? If they ask you how your birthday went, I hope you won't lie to them.

And, if it is your choice to not leave him (although I obviously hope you do) then might I suggest you say to him that you will put exactly the same amount of thought and effort into his birthday (and xmas gift, etc) that he puts into yours.

And when his birthday comes around, and he sulks, have nothing to say on the matter except a reminder of how he celebrated yours.

Although, obviously, leaving would make for a much happier life - in the long term.

purrpurr Thu 21-Feb-13 08:09:29

TSC, what a horrendous reply. And a shrug as well. How disgustingly patronising and cold-hearted.

Chocolatemilkshake Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:37

Just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday thanks

I can completely understand how you feel OP as I'm married to a selfish arse too. How long has he been like this? I'm not sure what to suggest but you really mustn't let things carry on this way. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see what other people suggest as it might help me too.

I've had 13 years of it and I feel so much bitterness towards my DH. I should have said something sooner but in the back of my mind I wanted him to make me feel special because he wanted to and not because I nagged him. He forgets my birthday, never bothers at Christmas and mothers day doesn't exist. I hate all special occasions now as it just reminds me of how little I mean to him.

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 15:09:15

I get reminded just how little I count three times per year - birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day. I refuse to celebrate either Valentines or our anniversary as I cannot bear the humiliation of it.

There is never much you can say, as 'you are being over-sensitive' and 'birthdays/Christmas' are for kids' and 'you can't upset ds about 'his' gift' but the obvious lack of care is incredibly corrosive and rots a relationship.

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Feb-13 19:21:57

Choc and Lisa - that's really cold. Can I ask, do you do anything for partners' birthdays and Christmas then, or have you now given up if you never get anything?

You've both hinted that you now say very little about this. Did you try a while back, and what did your partner say in response?

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 19:50:13

I make a fuss of his birthday/Christmas/father's day.

It's not worth the battle - it is always some reason why I should appreciate it, and it's polite to accept gifts graciously. I now smile, nod, put it to one side, get on with things.

OP - hope you are okay and that his parents will be nice to you.

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 19:53:17

I usually get something - last birthday is a book that I told him I would never read and a book like one of my hobbies but that is nothing like he has ever seen me do.

blush I have just taken ds to one side and showed him on ebay something for him to get me. He is six, but quite capable of insisting dh gets it for him to give to me. I insist on presents for me for the sake of ds's future partner. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

Chocolatemilkshake Thu 21-Feb-13 20:04:22

I always do something for DH whatever the occasion. It's not always much but I often give it a lot of thought and make sure it's something he'll like. I buy him a present for his birthday and Christmas. For his birthday I cook him his favourite meal and the kids help make a birthday cake. For Father's day I help the kids make cards and a present and dh loves receiving something that they've made. I don't want to treat my dh the way he treats me as I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do.

I suppose it's my own fault for letting it go on so long but I don't think he'll change.

Jux Thu 21-Feb-13 20:17:59

Oh, please don't waste too much more time on him. He can go and live with his mummy and buy her flowers.

You're not happy now, you won't magically get happier, and as the children get older it will be much harder to do anything about it.

Squeakygate Thu 21-Feb-13 20:28:04

I feel very sad reading this. What about your dc growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? You deserve better than this.

Lara2 Thu 21-Feb-13 21:26:00

My DP used to do this every mother's day always saying "But you're not my mother" when I got upset. Until one year on father's day I got him nothing, invited my parents for lunch and conspicuously gave my dad his presents. DP looked pissed off and said something about it being more than he'd got. So I smiled sweetly and said "But you're not my father!" He never did it again! grin

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Feb-13 21:51:19

Choc I totally see your thinking that 'I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do' but I think it is very plausible that the actual message they get from what happens is: 'Dad's really important and we need to make a fuss of him with cards and presents. Mum isn't important and doesn't deserve presents, and we don't need to bother because Dad never does and that's just how things are'. And that's what they may take into adult relationships, which would IMO be even more sad.

Lara2 yes, it's the asymmetry of it that is worst. There are some people (women as well as men) who are genuinely not that bothered about getting presents, so apply that logic to their partner. That at least is fair if not particularly loving or generous. But the expecting to get presents yourself, yet not bothering to reciprocate, takes the biscuit for me.

onceisneverenough Thu 21-Feb-13 22:29:40

I thought it was just my DP who was like this. It's my birthday in just under a fortnight and today I was looking through my watched items on Ebay and DP noticed and said "oh I will get you that for your birthday" about something that's been on for a while with a buy it now price. I was happy.... Then no longer than an hour later he purchased something himself on Ebay, meaning that as he doesn't get paid again between now and my birthday he cannot afford my present. Not only that but he THEN asked ME if I would lend him some money. Words fail me.

OhCobblers Thu 21-Feb-13 23:29:36

That there are people out there who quite happily lap up the attention on birthdays, Xmas, etc, and accept the presents, but then do nothing to reciprocate for the person they're supposed to love and cheish more than anything????? Well words fail me they really do.

I feel really quite sad to read some of the posts above.
I'm afraid I also agree with snazzynewyear's post about what the children might learn from it.
Christ this is a really sad thread sad

mumstonic Fri 22-Feb-13 15:58:15

Chocolate that's so sad, but I can completely relate. I remember my first Mother's day with DD2. We were at his parents for the weekend and on Mothers day, SIL and MIL were both given gifts, cards and breakfast in bed by DP's dad and siblings. I had bought MIL a book she really wanted and some flowers on DP's behalf. FIL prepared breakfast and BIL prepared lunch. They both got really spoiled and deservedly so.

DD2 was just a few months old and I was still quite tired and emotional. DP hadn't got me anything not even a card which of course upset me, but it was the embarrassment that got me more. PIL's were disgusted with him and told him so, which made things worse as I then got really upset and cried at the dinner table (was a bit PSD at the time).

Lisa his parents are lovely by the way.

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