To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

(196 Posts)
BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 11:59:53

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:02:42

No you're not unreasonable.

You know him and he sounds vile.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Not really qualified to comment, but will you be needing financial support? Also, at some point I think you will need to tell your DC about its father....that will be a difficult conversation if you have told stories about other "dads".

AnitaManeater Mon 18-Feb-13 12:04:27

Although I understand your reasons for not telling your ex (and I would be tempted to keep quiet too) It's your child's right to know who their parents are.

What are you going to do when your baby grows up and asks?

I have no father on my birth certificate, I know his first and last name and thats it, it utterly sucks not knowing where you come from. The fact my mother wouldn't tell me about him lead us on a downward spieal that has ended with us not talking at all.

Think about whats right for your baby, not you your babys dad.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 12:04:55

Well I think YANBU as well but I'm sure there will be some posters who trot along and tell you that he has a right to know and your child has a right to know their father, however vile he is.

But if I were you, I'd keep very quiet about it indeed. And probably move to another part of the country, if possible.

mmmuffins Mon 18-Feb-13 12:05:43

What a sad situation. Can I ask why do you think this may be your only chance to become a mother?

What if this man did find out he had a child with you? A child binds you; it sounds like he would make life very difficult for you if he knew.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 12:08:49

Yanbu.

In your suituation I would not tell.

mumofapirate Mon 18-Feb-13 12:09:06

yanbu but bare in minde if anyone else knows he's the dad it might get back to him or if the baby looks like him. I do think your doing the right thing he sounds like a tosser

LisaMed Mon 18-Feb-13 12:10:23

If anything should happen to you, who would look after the child? Also any family history of particular illness in his family?

Otherwise, go for it. Your first duty is to the child.

LaurieBlueBell Mon 18-Feb-13 12:11:23

Yes he sounds like a tosser. However I'm one of those who thinks your child does have a right to know their father.

MissyMoo makes a good point.

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 12:13:28

Well Blessed, I think you could benefit from a chat with the lovely women who work in women's aid.

You have left an abusive man, and have since found out you're pregnant.

Involving this x will potentially leave you open to abuse again, and also your baby.

So for me it's a no brainier, that you don't involve him, and just move on.

I am sorry about the other posters who don't know their fathers. I feel for you, but Blessed has said she escaped from an abusive relationship, so I feel she's entitled to a life without this abusive man, and while it may be hard for you not to know your own father, Missy, its maybe not so helpful to the OP to project your own feelings onto her.
I think Blessed and her child would be better off without the abusive man.

There are a lot of people who care about what happens to you Blessed, maybe pick up the phone and call women's aid, and see what support they can offer you.

Congratulations, and best of luck.

DeepRedBetty Mon 18-Feb-13 12:13:31

I think I'd move and not tell, and be ready to come up with a version of the truth when your daughter or son is old enough.

And congratulations btw!

RedHotRudieParts Mon 18-Feb-13 12:14:38

Yabu, it wll screw your child up. You may not realise it has but it will. Kids need to know where they come from.

I grew up not knowing anything about my fathers background, I live in the same town still and have no doubt passed him thousands of times, it's not a nice feeling believe me. I also have no idea about my medical history from that side which is pretty worrying.

My friends dd also doesn't know her dad, but she knows she has older siblings. I took her out for the day recently, on and on she went about the brother and sister she doesn't know.

' will they like me ?'

'if I met them they'd look after me and play with me '

' i'd love it if my sister took me shopping for clothes'

She doesn't even know us that well but it was as if she needed to get it off her chest.

I had a word with her mum and suggested she has a talk with her, mum insists she's perfectly fine. Poor kid's 10 and it's eating her away inside already.

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 12:15:07

I'm not sure what I'll tell my baby about their dad or if they really need the right to get to know him- He was a control freak who often threatened people he didn't want to be in this country (gays, transsexuals, foreigners etc). I made a massive mistake getting involved with him, the only good thing to come from it is you.

My baby will have no shortage of loving father figures (my friends and family) in their life so I don't think they will miss out by not knowing him or his family.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Mon 18-Feb-13 12:15:50

I appreciate that you're in a really difficult situation. I would be very tempted to do the same. From my vantage point as a WOMAN, I can visualise myself doing EXACTLY the same with an ex like that and telling you YANBU. BUT:

This may be easy to pull off with an infant or very young child. An older child will have questions and deserves the truth.

From my vantage point as an adopted child, it's just the worst when other people know more about you than you do. It's dreadfully unfair and it isn't right for people to hide information they know. You need to be prepared for the fact that there could be terrible consequences for your relationship with the child in later years if they feel deliberately deceived by you. They may understand your reasonings, they may not.

I have an adult friend who recently learned her father was not who she had been told it was. Devastated.

FoxyRoxy Mon 18-Feb-13 12:17:38

Your child will be more screwed up with an abusive father who will probably use them as a pawn to get to you than to not have a name on their birth cert.

Yanbu.

mmmuffins Mon 18-Feb-13 12:18:43

How are you going to guarantee he wont find out though? Are you going to leave the area?

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 12:19:08

If your dad was my ex would you really want a relationship with him or would you just want to know who he was/why he wasn't in our lives?

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 12:19:21

I would not tell him. Not on your life. You can explain to your child when they're older, but no way would I give him even a chance at controlling them when you have the chance to give them a life free from his abuse.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:20:14

OP can tell the child [if she chooses to] about him when they're older if she thinks it's the correct decision.

In the mean time, are those who think she's being unreasonable in not informing him now, really suggesting she should risk potential further abuse from this man who may try to force her her back into a relationship and risk more abuse for her and her baby. Imagine how difficult he'll make her life in the mean time.

Don't tell him OP.

I think telling a child when they're older who their Dad is and telling your Ex about the child are two different things. At the moment your abusive Ex hasn't got his claws into a new victim partner so he will shine his controlling light on you and your baby. Remember abuse can escalate during pregnancy and after a child is born. In the future if your child wants a relationship with his/her father you will be able to get support from people with experience to allow this to happen.

YANBU having escaped from an abusive relationship. I too would move away to avoid having to lie about it.

Congratulations.

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 12:21:12

To all the posters who are saying that it will screw up the kid not to know the father, please remember that the OP has said that she escaped an abusive relationship.

What part of that leaves you in any doubt she's better off taking herself and her child away from the abuser?

Do you think she deserves more abuse, or that her child does?

Just because you know someone who doesn't know their dad, does not mean that the OPs child would be unhappy- she certainly will be unhappy if she has to live as the child in an abusive family.

OP, I feel you are entitled to a happy life, and that there is a lot of support for you and your child out there.

No one needs to lose in this situation, and you certainly don't need to get back with an abusive man in order that your child has a dad she knows.

pixi2 Mon 18-Feb-13 12:21:16

YANBU

Go with your instincts. I see enough abuse threads on here, if you keep him out of your life it will be for the best.

Not all children are damaged by not knowing who their fathers are. My gorgeous 15 yr old nephew has been told (gently) from the age of 12 what a twat his father is. He has no interest in meeting him.

DontmindifIdo Mon 18-Feb-13 12:27:48

there is no rush or need to tell your exP if you are certain you won't need finanical assistance in the future from him.

I would, however, tell the DC the truth. They might want to find him, but that's something you'll have to deal with as their right to do, in the same way your parents might have looked at your exP and wanted to keep you away from him, but it had to be your choice.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 12:28:18

I agree that not telling a child about their father is likely to screw them up - a family member by marriage had that happen to her and it really did mess with her life. BUT the OP hasn't said she'll do that - she said she didn't want to tell the Ex about the baby.

She can tell the child about its father, some edited version, as much or as little as she thinks the child can deal with at the time - and has indicated that she would.

So I still say, OP, YANBU - don't tell him. Why inflict that level of abusive control on a baby/child?

sneezingwakesthebaby Mon 18-Feb-13 12:34:40

YANBU. I wouldn't tell him either. Plenty of time to decide what to tell the baby when its older so I wouldn't worry about that for now.

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 12:40:30

Can I ask why do you think this may be your only chance to become a mother?

It may well not be but I don't know what the future holds

Deepred Thank you smile

ThisLittleMonster Mon 18-Feb-13 12:41:32

Definately better not to tell him. But I would also seriously limit the number of people who do know who the father is (if indeed you need to tell anyone). You can't afford a chinese whispers situation where he finds out.

Do you have family support nearby? Unless you do, I would seriously consider moving to avoid having to lie.

As for your child, tell them truthful but age appropiate things, so they can't blame you fo withholding information later in life.

Congratulations OP, on the pregnancy and on getting away from this man. All the best x

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 18-Feb-13 12:45:43

Children have rights and I believe they should have the right to see their fathers name on their birth certificate rather than "unknown". They have the right to form a relationship with both parents as recognised by our court system.

Its hard being an adult sometimes but you choose to have a baby by this person and all that brings with it. A court would allow him access as there is no mention of DV in your post. The babies interests should come first.

Wereonourway Mon 18-Feb-13 12:52:32

I wouldn't tell him. I'd tell my child the truth.
I have an absolute twat of an ex who brings absolutely nothing to his child's life but continues to make my life hell on a weekly basis.
I'd move heaven and earth not to have him in our lives.
If I was told my mum had not wanted to involve dad for these reasons if have loved her all the more for being brave enough to leave him and raise me alone.
Maybe not the case for everyone but I know for an absolute certainty that I would not tell him

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 18-Feb-13 12:53:19

Yanbu. I wish my ex didn't know. Though so far we've been lucky and he has stayed away. I am always afraid of what he might do.

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 12:54:25

He can't be on the birth certificate anyway unless he comes with her to register the birth which I doubt is going to happen.

HappyMummy the OP did mention DV - DV isn't just beatings. But I suspect you're right and a court would award him access anyway, they usually do in the end.

I strongly think it would be in the child's best interest to be protected from this.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 12:55:38

I have a controlling x so although I do understand children will be curious, I still think on balance, NO you are NOT being unreasonable. good luck.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:55:55

HappyMummy

By not telling this abusive man about her pregnancy, OP is putting the interests and safety of the baby first, the thought of him having access to her baby may fill OP with horror, she knows him and we don't.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 12:56:49

I agree with BertieBotts. Courts can sometimes be remarkably short-sighted when it comes to the child's actual best interests, as opposed to their "rights to form a relationship" with their fathers, regardless of what kind of person their father is.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Mon 18-Feb-13 12:58:03

Oh and I have no problem explaining anything about the father that ds wants to know. I just hope he never has to meet the man.

Nb I didn't know about the huge histpory of abuse/DV/police involvement when we split up - only when I was about 13 weeks pregnant was I told these things.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 12:58:39

Yes, in agreement with writing it down.

When your child grows up you will probably need to defend your decision. So write it all down while it's fresh in your head. Your memories, the situations where he has been unreasonable, verbally abusive, excessively controlling. Also detail the dialogue in your own head wrt the decision. Keep the diary and then one day you'll be able to give it to your child.

Your child will blame you because you are the closest one. But that's the hit you're going ot have to take if you know that it's still the lesser of two 'evils'. I knwo my children will blame me for being stressed, anxious, unable to unwind etc... he has given me so much stress over the years.

Branleuse Mon 18-Feb-13 13:00:14

yanbu.

Goldmandra Mon 18-Feb-13 13:00:58

You alone know your history with this guy and you are best placed to judge the impact that involvement with him will have on your baby.

Not knowing his or her father will have a negative impact on this child but so would being subject to controlling and abusive behaviour.

You need to decide which is likely to be the lesser of the two evils.

Nobody else can tell you what to do because none of us have seen this guy's behaviour.

Follow your instincts and know that whatever decision you make it will be with your child's best interests in mind.

As you've left an abusive relationship, i can understand why you'd not want him to know - I agree withthe posters who've pointed out that not wanting him to know will mean more than not telling him - you need to make sure that he's not able to hear it from anyone else too.

I do think your child has the right to have the option to know their dad when they're older though. I've never met my biological father, but (I think) I can if i want to as my mum has given me enough info to look him up if I want - I think that's very important. I probably never will, but I can. No-one's made that choice for me.

LittleMonster has it in terms of how you deal with the info with your dc - be truthful and age-appropriate, Dc doesn't need to hear everything right off the bat and they may well be much older before they have any interest at all. (I 'knew' since I was about 4, but only ever asked for any info when I was about 13/14) Good luck smile

Schooldidi Mon 18-Feb-13 13:03:09

I wouldn't tell him either.

I did it all by myself (with family support, I hope you've got some good support too) with dd1, even though I did tell her father.

Dd1 has never met her biological father and has told me she's not interested because he wasn't interested in her.

Your child will be fine with you, they don't need to know more than you are willing to tell them about their father. If you have had an abusive relationship then it is far better for a child fro you to say 'I chose not to let your father be involved with you because I was scared he would hurt you like he hurt me' than it is for the child to have contact where they are scared or hurt.

Follyfoot Mon 18-Feb-13 13:03:35

The birth certificate wouldnt say 'unknown' father though would it?

As others have said, I think the two issues are separate ie whether the OP tells him and what she tells the child. Agree that he shouldnt be told, it sounds like it would cause all sorts of awful problems for you and your child. But I think your child deserves to be told the truth about who his/her father is.

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 13:06:47

I don't know what it says, but you're not legally allowed to name a father unless you're married to him or he accompanies you to register the birth.

AngelWreakinHavoc Mon 18-Feb-13 13:08:47

YAB Completely U.

A child has a right to know who their father isas does a father have a right to know they have a child.

I can not belive so many posters are saying otherwise. Mumsnet really astounds me sometimes!

rodandtheemu Mon 18-Feb-13 13:13:30

YANBU - venus for me hit the nail on the head on her first post.

Also well done for feeling strong enough to not go down the you 'cant see your child, but i still want financial support ' route.

Good luck!

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 13:14:12

So you'd rather pitchfork a child into a situation where their mother was in an abusive relationship with an utter control freak, who is likely to visit the same sort of shitty controlling behaviour onto the child as well, than allow the child to be brought up in a free and happy manner, would you Angel?

I can not believe anyone would put the "rights" of the father over the welfare of the child, although I know it happens entirely too often for many children's comfort.

Shoesme Mon 18-Feb-13 13:14:39

I believe he does have the right to know he has a child. Was this planned or was the pregnancy a result of failed protection?

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 13:16:01

Angel her ex is a control freak and has displayed threatening behaviour and you think OP is being unreasonable in trying to keep herself and the baby safe?

That is astounding.

Squitten Mon 18-Feb-13 13:16:15

Nobody has the "right" to a child - they are not an item to be owned. This man has already shown himself, according to the OP, to be an abuser and not a nice person at all. I wouldn't tell him about the baby.

The child, however, does have a right to know who their father is. That means that when the questions start to be asked and the child is of an age to understand it all, they should be told about why their father is not around and supported in looking for him if they wish.

msrisotto Mon 18-Feb-13 13:20:01

YANBU. You have to act in your own and your child's interests. Growing up with an abusive father will be much more detrimental than growing up without him, and you can tell them the truth when they're old enough. There is no need to punish yourself for the rest of your life though.

MimiSam Mon 18-Feb-13 13:21:09

If you are not going to tell him, I would seriously consider moving to a new area, if you can. Some babies/children are the spitting image of their fathers and if he (or a member of his family) sees the child it may be obvious that it is his...

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 13:23:01

Angel My child will know they have a father but if my ex found out he would be camped outside my house demanding that we get back together and would make life hell until I chose to do as he says.

Shoeme This wasn't a planned pregnancy but still a much wanted one

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:24:46

To those saying he has a right to know.

Does that right trump the OP's right to be safe? Her childs right to be safe? Their to live a life free from abuse?

I cannot believe that anyone would say that she should open themselves up to this abuse just because he has a "right" to know his child. Which is bollocks by the way, he has no rights at all over an unborn child and in law it is a childs right to have a relationship with their parents which is paramount, provided that relationship is in the best interests of the child which in this case is highly unlikely.

No you not BU, I wouldnt tell, dds father has never been in her life she has grown into a lovely mature woman with no `hang ups` from his absence. As long as you tell her when she asks and support her to make her own mind up then I see no reason why you need to say anything to him at the moment.

You priority at the moment is for you and your baby.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:27:49

OP how are you going to make sure that he doesn't find out, or suspect?

If he is as bad as you say then I really would be concerned about his stalking you. Does he know you use MN? Blocking him on FB wouldn't be foolproof. All it takes is one little bit of gossip and you are sunk.

Is moving away an option?

5Foot5 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:30:54

I completely understand your reasons for this but I just wondered whether this will cause you any problems financially. If you need to apply for any benefits for your child won't the CSA get involved? (Sorry don't know much about this aspect but I thought there mght be some pressure to disclose his identity)

Also someone said this

He can't be on the birth certificate anyway unless he comes with her to register the birth which I doubt is going to happen.

I don't think that's true is it? Surely one parent has always been able to register. When I had DD the registrar came round to the hospital on certain days of the week so that we could register there without making a special trip to the registry office. I registered her on my own and both DH and I are on the certificate.

Nancy66 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:31:38

If he lives near you and you have mutual acquaintances then he is going to find out soon enough.

He may have said you were a 'whore' but I doubt he actually believes that.

If you are adamant he can't know or have contact then I think you will need to leave the area.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:35:19

You can register both of you if you are married, but if not then both parents must attend.

aufaniae Mon 18-Feb-13 13:37:24

I think you're doing the right thing not to tell him. Men like him are very likely indeed to have a toxic effect on their DCs.

" Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father."

Not if the baby looks like him, and the chances are s/he probably will have some resemblance, especially when very little. If you want him out of your life you do need to leave the area IMO.

catgirl1976 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:38:08

What a difficult situation

From the thread title I was ready to tell you YABU but reading your OP I am not sure

I can see both sides, but I lean towards having an abusive father who makes your mother miserable being more harming that not knowing who your father is until you are old enough to understand the situation

Good luck with whatever you decide x

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 13:38:16

Bogey is right - if you aren't married then the father must come with you to register the birth for his name to go on the certificate to avoid unscrupulous people putting down random men's names and then going after them for CSA, apparently.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:38:17

Could you get a "boyfriend"? Maybe a male friend that he doesnt know who could be your cover?

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 13:39:29

Yes 5foot5 - it's different because you're married. I was assuming OP isn't married to this guy (of course, she hasn't said she isn't.)

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 18-Feb-13 13:41:12

I really feel for you, OP. You have to choose the lesser of two evils. If you really, hand on heart, believe that this man would have a negative effect on your child's emotional development YANBU to not involve him in his/her life.

I really think you need expert advice from Women's Aid or similar though. You need to break down exactly why you don't want to tell him and make sure it's coming from a genuine concern for your child's welfare and not lingering bad feeling towards him for you (iyswim).

Going purely from what you've said about him, he's not someone I would want within a mile of any my children so I suspect I would choose the same path as you.

BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 13:41:14

We live in different towns, no one but me knows he's the father and we have very few friends in common so I'm hoping that the chances of him finding out are slim.

Moving away isn't an option since I'd have to give up my job if I was to move out of the area and all my close family are here sad

yaimee Mon 18-Feb-13 13:41:15

I don't think yabu but why would his insistence that you get back together mean that you would do so, or that he would have an increased level of involvement?
I think you should do what you think is best for yourself and your child, after all, only you know what kind of man he is and why you are so worried about his involvement, but make sure you are honest with yourself about your reasons, making life easier now by not confronting the situation may make life in the future much more difficult.

ariane5 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:42:11

YANBU at all.

Whilst I can see how it is usually a good idea for children to know who their parents are there are exceptions to this.

If this was purely a case of "I don't want to tell him because of x,y,z (petty reason)" then it would be wrong.HOWEVER, the resons you have stated seem very valid and possibly are just the tip of the iceberg-somebody that controlling could also have other personality traits meaning they are not a good influence around children.

Yes, it is a childs right to know both their parents but I would put the childs right to be and feel safe above that.

TheSecondComing Mon 18-Feb-13 13:43:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 13:45:22

I'd create a solid back story as to how you've got pregnant then, just to be on the safe side - or fudge the dates or something - it's amazing how things like this can travel back to exactly where you don't want them to!

Or interfering "friends" and even family might think like AngelWreaksHavoc and feel he has a "right" to know, and drop you in it because it's their "duty" or some such bollocks.

How far gone are you? can you have an "encounter" that would provide a genuine option?

TheSecondComing Mon 18-Feb-13 13:46:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 13:49:46

I agree with MissyMoo. I never knew my dad and it really messed me up, not knowing where you come from is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and whilst it doesn't always have this effect, it has the potential to be very damaging and painful.

My father was also controlling and was violent to my mother when she was pregnant with me. But he was still my biological dad and I would like the right to have known who he was. No one can predict how the baby would feel when it's older, but it's something to think about.

It won't be easy and I don't mean this in a harsh way but if you are sleeping with somebody you are accepting the 'risk' of becoming pregnant. By telling the father, ensure you are clear from the offset you will not be reconciling, and if you think he is a threat to the dc, utilise the correct legal channels and support networks.

I agree with the poster who said speak to Women's Aid.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:50:22

I agree that a cast iron story is a must.

maddening Mon 18-Feb-13 13:51:40

If you do it put together info about him - pics, addresses, keepsakes and seal it away till dc is 18 - then they have the chance to find him when they are old enough to make their own mind up.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 13:52:19

Always, she isnt stopping her child knowing about its father, she is stopping the father knowing about the child.

Why does your need to know your father trump your mums need to be safe? I am actually gob smacked that you think that her being physically assaulted is less important than you wanting to know the prick that did it!

WhatsTheBuzz Mon 18-Feb-13 13:56:09

sounds like my ex - trust your instincts - yanbu.

AThingInYourLife Mon 18-Feb-13 13:56:52

YANBU

I can't believe people are advising you to put your unborn baby at risk.

Idiots.

acceptableinthe80s Mon 18-Feb-13 13:58:09

In your situation I'd keep quiet too. Men like that will use a child to punish the mother. I always think no father is better than an abusive one who is likely to cause emotional damage.

You are doing the right thing. Stay safe and good luck. xxx

digerd Mon 18-Feb-13 14:01:49

5Foot5
Your were married and that is different. A marriage certificate allows the registration by just the wife, as legally assumed that any child she bears is her husband's. Unmarried couples must both be at the registration, if the father not there., then no father's name can be entered.
Whether 'not known ' is entered or just left blank, I,m not sure.

fubbsy Mon 18-Feb-13 14:02:29

YANBU - only if I were you, I wouldn't want to lie either, just don't tell him anything. If you bump into him, just keep on walking.

fubbsy Mon 18-Feb-13 14:06:00

If no father is listed on the birth certificate, it doesn't say 'unknown'. It is not left blank either, they put a line through the area for the father's name (presumably to stop it being filled in fraudulently later on).

Whocansay Mon 18-Feb-13 14:21:41

I agree totally with VenusRising. Your can answer questions honestly when the child is older, but there's no need to inform an abusive ex now.

Shelby2010 Mon 18-Feb-13 14:22:36

Once you've told him, you can't change your mind, so I would keep quiet for now. You can always consider telling him later on when you are feeling less vulnerable or wait until your baby is old enough to express an interest in him.

rodandtheemu Mon 18-Feb-13 14:28:49

I some times wish there was a like button on Mn. Mostley wonderfully supportive posts on here - really nice to see.

good luck blessed

quoteunquote Mon 18-Feb-13 14:36:02

www.experienceproject.com/groups/Dont-Know-My-Father/19901

www.mothering.com/community/t/1320891/i-dont-know-who-my-dad-is

askville.amazon.com/find-biological-father-dont/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=87080406

able2know.org/topic/133498-1

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-murder-and-the-meaning-life/201006/i-never-knew-my-father-did-it-hurt

www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=6816

uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120728101407AAcrfx8

looking

here

If you do manage to pull he wool over his eyes, if he believes you that someone else is the father, or you move and he doesn't find out, unlikly as people do talk, unless you have a way of making sure no one ever knows you had a child.

Your child will want to know at some point who their father is, and then will want to make contact,

the internet is full of people looking for their parents as it does really effect your life if you don't know where you are from,

Over the years I have experienced friends going through years of stress because of these type decisions, both the child and the parents on both sides, it not an easy option and usually ends badly.

Cherriesarelovely Mon 18-Feb-13 14:44:48

I completely agree with you OP. I would not want to tell in your situation either and can see nothing wrong in telling your child when they are more grown up. My Dds father was not a part of her life for several years (completely different circumstances) and it was fine.

The only thing that is making me very concerned for you is that he might find out and if the child looks very much like him it could be really hard. Wont your family cotton on? Hopefully if they do they will respect your decision.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation, I wish you the very best of luck.

msrisotto Mon 18-Feb-13 14:47:16

HOW can anyone talk like that to a woman who has just escaped an abusive relationship? She's not suggesting that she lie to her child in the future. It is her decision not to be subjected to this man's abuse and good for her. NO child thrives in an abusive household.

msrisotto Mon 18-Feb-13 14:47:53

Not directing that to you cherries!

YANBU I wouldn't tell him either.

I'm a single mum, and am regularly messed about by my ex regarding contact as he likes to be in control, upsetting DS in the process of getting one up on me. Also coming at this from the vantage point of the child with a controlling abusive arsehole for a dad - I wish my mum had picked us kids up and got as far away as possible. I do not have this "man" in my life now as an adult, and my childhood would have been a great sight better without him in it.

Cherriesarelovely Mon 18-Feb-13 15:00:37

It's ok msrisotto I understand!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 18-Feb-13 15:02:01

Yanbu. In fact, you sound very sensible. Good luck with everything xx

acceptableinthe80s Mon 18-Feb-13 15:02:24

I don't think the OP is planning not to tell her child who their father is. I'm sure she will answer any questions as they arise, just as I will.
My child's father has chosen not to be in his life, is that somehow better than a mother making the decision?
And just to point out not all children look like their fathers, mine bears no resemblance to his at all and is the spitting image of me.

AngelWreakinHavoc Mon 18-Feb-13 15:10:01

I still agree with my original post that the op ibu.

There are things that can be put into place where the op does not have contact with the ex but the child can still have contact with the father (supervised if necassery).

I am not suggesting she gets back with her ex and lives in an abusive relationship.

Op has not once said that her ex has been abusive to a child.

The father has a right to know he has a child. The grandparents have a right to know they have a grandchild. The child has the right to get to know her father and extended family.

I speak as a person who did not meet my father till I was in my late twenties as thats what my mother decided was best for me, I grew up thinking another man (her husband) was my real father. This may have seemed a good idea to my mother but in my eyes it was very selfish of her. I now have zero contact with my mother and a lot of contact with my dad, his dw and my half siblings.

I am obviously in the minority on this thread but I stick with what I said.

YANBU.

I am lucky to have never been in an abusive relationship, but I'd like to think that if I had, and found myself in the same situation as you, I would be able to put my child first and protect them.

I understand how devastating it must be growing up not knowing your father - but really I'd think it's probably just as if not more devastating growing up with an abusive man in your life?

CheungFun Mon 18-Feb-13 15:12:34

My older half brother doesn't know his Dad properly, his Dad was abusive to our Mum and thankfully she managed to get away from him when my brother was three. My Mum just gently explained that his Dad wasn't a very nice person, and as my brother got older he was always allowed to ask questions and Mum always answered him honestly but kindly as its not nice to know your related to someone so awful. My brother has a hazy memory of his Dad beating Mum up, and he has no wish to know any more about his Dad or his Dads family. Me and Mum are his family.

I on the other hand had the misfortune of being forced by the courts to visit my Dad monthly and it was nice at the beginning, but it became very obvious that he was a complete arsehole to his new girlfriend that he later married. Honestly, I'd rather be gently let down by my Mum telling me, than having to witness and learn for myself that my Dad is an abusive pig sad

DM never knew her father and she aid it was hard and she could never ask her Mum as she would lie (very toxic), so that's why she always answered any questions me or my brother had. It is hard, but with a loving Mum, you don't need a crap Dad!

So on that reasoning OP I think you'd be better off keeping it quiet from your ex and enjoying your LO.

BruthasTortoise Mon 18-Feb-13 15:16:06

I think there is a world of difference between a father knowing about his DC and choosing to have no contact and a father having no knowledge. I think the OP is running the risk of alienating her child by denying the father the knowledge if his/her birth. There is a danger that the child will built up a hero-figure in his/her head and of course if he/ she ever decides to seek out the ex you can guarantee that he (the ex) will blame the OP 100% for having not been in the DC's life.

On the other hand I completely understand why the OP would choose to do this and I wish you and your DC well whatever you decide to do.

SilverClementine Mon 18-Feb-13 15:36:58

YANBU at all. If I was in your situation I wouldn't breathe a word of who the father is to ANYONE. Then as DC gets older, explain as best I can that their father wasn't a very nice man and that's why they weren't around.

I had a very similar ex and if I'd have got caught pregnant by him my life, and no doubt my child's, would have been hell. You need to do what's best to protect you and your child.

Best of luck with everything Xx

TheSecondComing Mon 18-Feb-13 15:44:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 15:46:25

What a croc of shit.

The child's right to live free of abuse or witnessing abuse trump anyone else's rights compleatly.

Its why mothers who remain in relationships like that are deamed to be unable to parent and often lose the children if they refuse to co operate with SS

Unfortunatly few judges in child contact hearings pay as much attention to DV as they should.

Part and parcel of being a decent parent is making big decisions that may or may not be compleatly 100% free of risk long term to protect a child in the here and now.

If abuse red flags are there and obvious enough to make an adult think "bloody hell I want no part of this" then they are enough to keep well away from children.

Parents who abuse the other parent are not nor are they ever good parents unless they cease to behave in abusive ways.

If you have a chance to make sure you can protect your kids from this before any links have been forged with the child that would add complications then IMO you should.

If you think about it,if your reasons for leaving a relationship are the sort of things that social workers would concider to place your child at risk of harm should you stay then its a compleate no brainer.

Angel take a look at the relationships board. There are many women on there who have come out of abusive relationships and despite trying to put in place arrangements to protect themselves/the children, their abusive exs are still messing their lives up and getting away with it because the courts still seem to force children to spend time with these idiots.

If this man is really as bad as the OP's description, then once he knows about the child it could take years before he gets the message and leaves her alone.

I had years of forced contact with abusive fuckwit dad until the courts wised up and forbade access.
All those "have the right to know" posters should be extremely careful what they wish for hmm

aamia Mon 18-Feb-13 16:21:28

Protect your child. You can do no more than that. Perhaps they will wish they knew their dad - you KNOW they would be worse off doing so.

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 16:21:38

Yanbu you need to protect yourself from this abusive asshole and also protect this child.

If you have any photo of the ex I would make a little book up so when the time does come when he/she asks he/she will have an image.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 16:33:59

And for what its worth.

One of my dc has just come to the end of nearly 13 years enforced contact with a abusive piss poor excuse of a dad, the courts giving him chance after chance.

He now won't see him ever again because not long after Christmas his dad and his dads alkie gf decided to attack actually physiclly attack dc resulting in getting arrested, great parenting beating up your own child because you can't handle him being disabled despite having 13 years to get used to it.

And practicly every day of my life is full up with holding the hands of none abusive parents whilst the abusive absent parent finds legally sanctioned ways to further abuse them in the name of there own 'rights'.

I think it's fine not to tell him.

I would write a factual account for you to give to your child when you feel they are old enough - (talk to them too obviously!) Just in case, god forbid, something were to happen to you before you managed to talk to your child about it, the letter could be passed on. Maybe keep it with your will at your lawyers.

I think a lot of kids who don't know anything about a parent will think the worst and "he was abusive" will actually be better than some of the things they've thought of, so I would definitely make sure you've set up something to make sure your child knows what the real story is.

seaofyou Mon 18-Feb-13 16:38:11

YADNBU

This man if a controlling abusive twunt could use this dc as a weapon for the next 18yrs ruining both your lives.

My ex a psychopathic Narc used to physically hurt my ds as a man knows the best way to hurt a mum is to hurt their DC!

Keep your baby safe don't let the same thing happen to your dc be it physical, emotional or any other waysad

AThingInYourLife Mon 18-Feb-13 16:39:11

"The father has a right to know he has a child. The grandparents have a right to know they have a grandchild."

There is no such right.

seaofyou Mon 18-Feb-13 16:46:57

Sock pixie (((hugs))) I know my ds disabled also but police refused to believe what happened because it was going through court for maintenance. Which ex is still on the run from the courts Ds was 3-5yrs at the time and non verbal and could only tell me by headbutting on return from visitssad Ds eventually told me when triggered by seeing a man who looked like the monster at a swimming poool and ds had enough language to express what happened.

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 17:22:53

What on earth does it matter if she's never seen him abuse a child? She hasn't had a child to see him abuse! Abusive men don't tend to specialise - they will abuse anyone who they feel is inferior to them, adult or child, doesn't make much of a difference. And even if he is a super-special rare breed of man who abuses women but is doting, caring father of the year, no way would I take that chance.

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 17:27:42

Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved? It would not be allowed to happen? I may be completely ignorant here as luckily I have never been in an abusive relationship but I would have assumed that OP could seek relevant support yet still inform the father.

Hmm this is tough, I'm sitting more on the fence than I was before and it's difficult to remain impartial due to my own experience because all I have to go on is not knowing my (abusive) dad and the issues that left me with.

I also worry about the 'hero-figure' issue, and guess this is what happened in my case, my dad died before I had the chance to meet him and despite knowing of his abusive past I always dream of him actually being misunderstood and a 'good guy' who made a few mistakes. Not saying this is in any way rational but I have nothing to go on really and this is what I did, maybe my way of coping as it's easier to think of him as the monster my mum describes.

I think if I was in your position I'd always be worrying about him finding out anyway, if there is a strong resemblance or due to some medical issue. The amount of times I've been asked "is there any family history of xyz" and I am unable to answer.

Op, you are probably feeling very vulnerable, not only as you are pregnant, but due to just having gotten out of an abusive relationship. I really think you should get professional advice.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 17:38:18

I would have assumed that OP could seek relevant support yet still inform the father.

Abuse doesnt always include beatings. He is controlling, he will seek to control the OP through the child, including access and maintenance issues. Dont assume anything in a situation that includes an abusive person, they dont follow the rules and so you cant expect to be able to apply the rules to them.

Bogeyface Mon 18-Feb-13 17:39:57

Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved?

Are you really suggesting that the OP risk that? He has already proved he is abusive, so do you honestly think that she should give him even one chance?

You admit that you have no experience of abuse and that you dont want to believe what your mum has said. Just because you dont want to hear it, doesnt mean that it isnt true.

bigbird80 Mon 18-Feb-13 17:45:59

YANBU. You have thankfully gotten out of a potentially lifetime of abuse. Keep quiet and enjoy your new life with your LO. You can answer his/her questions as honestly as possible as and when they are asked. The very best of luck x

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 17:46:32

Bertie. There is no such thing as a abusive parent who does not also abuse the child.

It is a well known fact that one parent abusing the other has a significant abusive impact on the child no matter what the circumstances of the abusers towards the parent,sometimes its emotional harm rather than physical or sexual but it is always there.

Seaoff, thank you. My dc was quite lucky because he's nearly 14 lord only knows what would have happened if he was a tot,the assault is the end of a long line of shitty behaviour including but not limited to throwing away disability aids, with holding medication, stealing money and valuable items ( that I can do nothin about until dc is an adult as a parent with pr is effectively legally entitled to do what ever they want with the child's property if they have access to it),an attempted kidnap and removal to Thailand, allowing his gf to verbally abuse him as routine.

Dad in court used my job and qualifications against me saying I knew what to say and he wasn't as clever as me so he was disadvantaged by the legal system and it worked! Even tho I was able to show I had never not in 20 years of being a parent ever had simerler issues or tried to cause problems for any of my children's other parent and he had been repeatedly told to obtain legal advice.

G1nAndT0nic Mon 18-Feb-13 17:57:31

It's not that simple. My x was abusive to me for 7 years but I have not one single solitary bit of proof. Well, one photo, but he said 'you did that to yourself'. You can only tell the ss what you can prove really.

I think you are doing the right thing. Becoming a parent is big enough for now. Congratulations BTW!
You trust your instincts and raise this child alone. You may well meet someone else who will want to adopt your child and be the father figure. (Not that I'm suggesting starting a new relationship yet! Just pointing out that the future is open.) I agree that you shouldn't lie about their dad, just tell the truth gently.
E.g. "Your dad's name is X and he lives in Y. He wasn't very nice to me and I was worried that he would be cruel to you too, so I'm not in touch with him. But I'm not sorry he's your father, because you are the best thing in my life."
My parents were and are together but I know that I trust my mum so completely that if she told me she had decided to cut contact with my dad she would have excellent reasons.
If he lives in a different town, you have a chance of managing this fine, just have a cast-iron story.

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:01:36

Even if he doesn't directly abuse the child, he will indirectly.

A don't think an abusive upbringing is in the best interest of the child. Anybody who thinks this should have a long hard think about this child who father will EA him/her.

BertieBotts Mon 18-Feb-13 18:03:19

I know, Sock. I was answering a poster on a previous page who stated that the OP had no proof he was abusive towards children sad

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:05:10

That last sentence came out wrong :- if any body thinks the father should know about the child should have a long think about it

ProphetOfDoom Mon 18-Feb-13 18:11:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 18:16:49

He cannot just demand a DNA test,and it is against the law to DNA test a child without the mothers consent

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:24:01

The courts can demand a DNA test, but he will have to convince the judge to order it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 18:27:37

He would have to have a pretty compelling reason to get into a court in the first place.

I had sex with her awhile ago she's now had a baby but has never indercated that I'm the dad. Would rarely be a good enough reason.

i would not tell. you are doing the right thing.

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:33:49

I just hope he never finds out

Granitetopping Mon 18-Feb-13 18:34:45

YANBU

Parents and Grandparents do not have rights. They have responsibilities.

OP, your responsibility is to to keep you and your child safe. Do not tell this man you are pregnant. It will not end well.

Scootee Mon 18-Feb-13 18:41:36

Yanbu
But make sure you are careful. Don't have a Facebook account, make sure there is nothing google-able about you. Hopefully you have a common name so there are lots of people with the same name, be extra careful if you have an unusual name or surname.
I fully agree with not informing an abuser they have a child but you do need to tell your child the truth - the entire truth when they are old enough/adult and a skeleton of the truth before that. Do keep a written record of what he's done so you can do this.
People vary re whether they have a need to know where they came from. You can't tell how your child will feel so keep as much info as you can. My BIL has a bastard for a father (not my fil) and he has zero interest in the man who abandoned his mother and him when he was not yet born. However, some people are tormented by the not knowing and need to know even if it is bad shit.

Remotecontrolduck Mon 18-Feb-13 18:42:39

I rarely say this as I feel fathers often get a really shit time in situations where the parents aren't together, but YANBU. Even if your child is upset and 'damaged' from not knowing their father, I don't think it would be as bad as the damage an abusive twat like that could inflict on them.

It really does sound like a good idea to keep this one to yourself until your child is old enough to understand. I'm sure they'll be thankful for you keeping an abuser out of their life.

mrsbunnylove Mon 18-Feb-13 18:43:11

don't tell him but brace yourself for your child wanting to know, one day.

AThingInYourLife Mon 18-Feb-13 18:52:23

"Surely if this guy is abusive to the child, social services, the police etc would be involved? It would not be allowed to happen?"

confused

Don't you ever read the news?

Do you genuinely think no children are ever harmed by abusive parents because the police and social services don't allow it?

confused

Seriously, you want a pregnant woman to put herself at risk?

On the basis of your willingness to hero-worship the man who beat your mother when she was pregnant with you?

He basically tried to kill you before you were born.

Your poor mother was trying to protect you.

Follyfoot Mon 18-Feb-13 18:55:11

Just to clarify a comment on page 1 - Bertie, I was replying to HappyMummyOfOne who said that the baby's birth certificate would have 'unknown' on it by the father's name, which it wont as the shortened certificates dont have that info on them.

My DD has no contact with her father, although she did until she was 4 years old when he was arrested for DV (she is now at Uni). She cant really remember him. Am proud to say that she has grown up into a well adjusted adult who, although she occasionally has questions about her Father, she feels no desire to have him in her life. It has been tough having to answer some difficult questions, but children deserve - gentle - honesty.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Mon 18-Feb-13 19:06:13

BlessedDespair, YANBU.

Please listen to your instincts, and to what all the posters with any insight into how abusive men work are saying. Involving your ex, and he will involve himself for his own selfish reasons if you let him know, is not a risk worth taking. Your job is to protect your baby, including from his/her father if that is what is required.

Your ex relinquished his right to be given the benefit of the doubt the second he decided to be abusive. Tough shit. You sound sensible and sorted - good luck smile.

pashapasta Mon 18-Feb-13 19:57:15

I'm going to put my head in the lion's mouth here. DH doesn't know who his father is, says unknown on his birth. Certificate. It is causing him so much distress, its been on his mind for years but now his mum has died and he can't ask her. Since DS was born and he knows how much it is possible to be loved as a child, he can't bear the fact that his father didn't love him or didn't have the chance to love him. He accepts that his dad may have been abusive but he just wants / needs to know. So OP, I don't know if YABU but I know what my DH would want.

pashapasta Mon 18-Feb-13 19:57:15

I'm going to put my head in the lion's mouth here. DH doesn't know who his father is, says unknown on his birth. Certificate. It is causing him so much distress, its been on his mind for years but now his mum has died and he can't ask her. Since DS was born and he knows how much it is possible to be loved as a child, he can't bear the fact that his father didn't love him or didn't have the chance to love him. He accepts that his dad may have been abusive but he just wants / needs to know. So OP, I don't know if YABU but I know what my DH would want.

I do believe that father's have a right to know, but if it were me in your place my ideals would go out the window and there would be no way I would tell him. I would also move if possible, even to a nearby town.

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:05:56

I question why an adult wouldn't belive his or her own mother when she said she had been abused.

I will belive anything my parents say, because I have never had a reason to question why they had lied to me because they never have ( apart from fictional characters like Santa)

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:06:35

Rights come out of responsibilities that have been adequately met. A man who has been manipulative an abusive to a woman forfeits his rights. The complicated issue is that the child will one day have a right to know who its father is.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:08:19

Re "father unknown" do they still put that in the uk. In my country they put "not named"

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 20:11:41

Of course the man has a right to know he's a father, and the child a right to know who their father is.
How can he insist you get back together? You just say you are not interested.

Adversecamber Mon 18-Feb-13 20:13:32

He sounds dangerous , in these circumstances I think you are making the right decision.

Both you and your child being safe is your number one concern.

YADNBU. The safety of you and your child is paramount OP, you could not risk going back with this man or having him abuse you or your child when you have come so far.

Have you spoken to your family about this? Are they supportive of this?

Take care and stay strong.

Lottikins An abusive person would not take that answer. Be thankful you have never had to deal with an abusive arsehole who would do anything to get their own way.

And bollocks to rights, he has NO rights at all. People seem to have rights and responsibilities confused. An abusive person is not one to be responsible.

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:17:10

Lottikins have you got any idea how an abusive relationship is like, I have no personal experience but supporting a friend through it. Thank god she never had children with him.

I will ask you what is more important this man right to know v the child right to a safe loving happy childhood.

I suggest you educate your self on DV and come back to this thread

MelonCauliflower Mon 18-Feb-13 20:19:11

YADNBU. I'd say your child had more of a right to be free from abuse (and I include having his mother abused in this) than your ex does to know about your DC.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:19:17

Yes WeWereHere, if he were reasonable, the OP wouldn't be in this situation. It's frustrating but I think people who've no experience of this type of character find it hard to believe that you can't all sit down have a pot of tea and through reason and listening reach a compromise.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 20:20:52

But how is it going to be better when your ex eventually finds out?
I can't see anything ain the OPs post about him being violent, but I am prepared to stand corrected if I have missed it.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 20:22:00

Presumably if she is not married to him and his name isn't on the birth certificate , he will have no right to any contact with the child?

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:22:33

Do you know what emotional abuse is? An abusive relationship is not always physical.

dayshiftdoris Mon 18-Feb-13 20:22:39

My friend was in exactly the same situation... she never said a word and he has assumed the child isnt his... she's hugely relieved...

As for the child... happy, well adjusted 9yr old who know 'her story' and thinks it's very boring thank you very much. She has a little brother and decided to call his dad 'Dad'.... Mum and 'Dad' did resist this as they wanted her to very clear on her roots but she was adament, as far as she is concerned she has a father who made her what she is and a 'dad' to have at home.

It's not ideal, it's not what we set out for in life but it can be ok.

I echo what others say though - protect yourself... go to women's aid and make sure you have security on your home.

PS I am also a single mum since pregnancy and mine lad is pretty much ok with it too

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:24:01

Regardless if he is or isn't on the birth certificate he can go to court and 9/10 a father will get access.

MammaTJ Mon 18-Feb-13 20:25:23

You are protecting yourself and your child. Doing what is necessary. YANBU!!

It will not be an easy road to go down but I wish you all the luck in the world.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Mon 18-Feb-13 20:26:11

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but I've been thinking about reeva steenkampf all day, her last moments running into a bathroom in fear, in the hope that she could escape and wait out the rage in relative safety behind a closed locked door sad because my x used to chase me in a rage and i would lock myself in the bathroom. Twice he kicked down the door to get at me. He was so angry. I tried to ring the police and he put my mobile into the toilet. The next day he calmly reattached the door. Like it was a normal diy job.

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 21:31:32

AThingInYourLife my mother planned a baby (me) with this man (my dad) so wasn't blameless, why plan a baby with an alcoholic you'd known for 3 months? I have seen threads on here in which a man speaks of his controlling ex and everyone is quick to ask "why did you have a baby with her then?".

In my situation, not only did my mother refuse me the right to know who my father was but then went on to another abusive relationship with my step dad who was violent to us both and emotionally abusive, yet is still with him to this day.

What if her ex found out in a month, 6 months or 6 years? Based on what's been said, I'd be pretty concerned about an abusive man discovering he'd been lied to about something so important, this is not without risk. Op is living in the same town, with a few mutual friends, he may decide to look into it when he see's a pregnant op/baby anyway just to shit stir. I think op should go through the correct legal channels and do things properly, surely it's a life of looking over your shoulder anyway worrying he'll find out. If op deals with everything now, gets legal advice before telling him etc, she can relax and enjoy baby once it arrives.

Mia4 Mon 18-Feb-13 21:36:43

If he was just a bit of a user and loser I'd say YWBU OP but abuse takes things to a whole different level. You need to do what's best for you and given he's prone to abuse and controlling you, stay the hell away. Abuse and controlling behavior tends to get much much worse during pregnancy; combing his guilting, manipulations and pressing with your own uncertainty, worry and hormones would be a terrible combination. You are very, very vulnerable- not to say you weren't before but now you are more so.

Distance yourself as much as possible, ignore him and keep things off social networks. The whole diary thing others have suggested s a good idea to get your thoughts down for yourself anyway and then when your child is much much older you can chose and they can ask whether to share all the ins and outs of how you feel. Writing can also be very therapeutic.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 22:01:46

dayshiftdoris but the child is 9! a babe! Of course she hasn't thought of tracing her dad yet, but as she gets older, enters her teens and adulthood ,that is teh time she'll start wanting to know who she is , and want to find out who her father is

YANBU at all, your priority is the baby and you: the man has no rights and doesn't matter, because he's an arsehole. Children are far better off with no father than with an abusive one on the scene.
I agree that your DC will need and want to know about a father as s/he grows up, but a gentle version of the truth will be fine - the only thing that might cause problems would be telling an outright lie eg that a new partner you subsequently have is 'daddy' when this isn't so.
I would also advise a chat with WA about how to protect yourself against this man if he finds out. He has no right whatsoever to contact with you, and if there is evidence of violence or aggressive behaviour you would be able to stonewall and block and delay contact for a good long time in the courts; insist on it being supervised and third party handovers etc.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 22:07:48

I am confused.The OP hasn't been physically abused How can he emotionally abuse the Op if she blocks all contact with him? How will he evn get access to the child when they are not even living together when it is born, they are not married, his name is not on the birth certificate? there is nothing to prove that the baby is his

Morloth Mon 18-Feb-13 22:13:49

IMO an 'OK' dad is better than no dad.

But no dad is better than an abusive one.

Do whatever you think is best for the baby.

Inertia Mon 18-Feb-13 22:19:22

Yanbu.

I would seriously consider adjusting the due date you tell everyone by a month or so.

The right of your child to grow up in a home free of abuse and intimidation absolutely trumps any right this man might have.

ReindeerBollocks Mon 18-Feb-13 22:23:27

Do the best for the baby. Only you can decide whether this man would be a good father or an abusive one.

I would also say that an absent father is the preferred option to an abusive one.

Good luck

ReindeerBollocks Mon 18-Feb-13 22:24:06

x posts with Morloth

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 22:24:36

What if the ex goes mad because he thinks she's slept with someone else? The situation isn't just going to go away because she hasn't told him he's the dad. One way or another the op is going to be dealing with the repercussions of this for the rest of her life, the sooner it all gets sorted out in the correct legal ways the better.

MariusEarlobe Mon 18-Feb-13 22:27:56

OP just to say if I could go back in time and do this I would.

BabyJanesBabySister Mon 18-Feb-13 22:30:54

my mother planned a baby (me) with this man (my dad) so wasn't blameless

Well in that case she deserved to get the shit kicked out of her, its so obvious when you put it like that!

FFS!! I dont know why she is still with your stepfather, fear probably. He probably wasnt like that when they got together and it escalated over the years as these things do. But saying that because she chose to have a baby with a man she barely knew means she is partly to blame for her abuse is utterly appalling. Hero worship your wife battering father if you like, but dont suggest that there is any way in which a domestic abuse victim is to blame.

Lottie if she tells him about the baby then he wont have been blocked from contact will he? As soon as he knows then he can legitimately go to court for access and that is when the controlling and abusive behaviour will start.

BabyJanesBabySister Mon 18-Feb-13 22:33:29

And incidentally Always why is your father any better than your stepfather? They both did the same things to your mother in fact, what you have written suggests that your father was worse if she kicked him out but didnt kick out your step father. That could be another reason she is still with him. Abused women have a skewed view of what is ok in a relationship and some think that because man B doesnt kick the shit out of them as much as Man A did then he is a better husband, when they are both shit just one slightly worse than the other.

perplexedpirate Mon 18-Feb-13 22:37:18

YANBU. Don't tell him.
Also, don't assume that all children have this desperate need to know their 'real' parents.
I don't know my dad, and really could not care less about him. You don't miss what you've never had.

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:01

Where did I say she's to blame for her abuse??! She isn't blameless in the fact that I have grown up without a father, they both planned me despite their situation and I paid the price ultimately, as I had a shit dad who died without me ever having the chance to meet him. I feel angry with them both for bringing me into such a shit situation, my dad for being abusive and my mum for planning a child with him.

And she stays with my step dad for financial reasons, she can't afford to leave apparently. She has watched this man smack me over the head with a plastic box that shattered, hit me and making my ear bleed, pushing me into a bath - I took the brunt of it. He hit my mum once. Please don't assume to know anything about my situation, and focus on the op.

Alwaysasking Mon 18-Feb-13 22:44:21

Btw when I say in that I grew up without a father I'm not suggesting she should have stayed with him - rather they shouldn't have planned me in the first place.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Feb-13 22:44:23

Alwaysasking - you're reading things that aren't there. The OP lives in a different town to the ex and they have very few friends in common.

Lottikins - this from the OP:
"BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 13:23:01
My child will know they have a father but if my ex found out he would be camped outside my house demanding that we get back together and would make life hell until I chose to do as he says."

There is also the point that he can go through the courts to force access and as he is a controlling shit, he could abscond with the child, or refuse to bring it back when he's supposed to - there are threads on here all the time about controlling fuckwit exes still making people's lives hell through their contact with their DC. To say nothing of the misery of the DC themselves when they are court-ordered to see the wankers!

whateveritakes Mon 18-Feb-13 22:45:00

Can't understand why not telling the father equates to not telling the child. Of course you can do one and not the other.

There are loads of ways in which Op/Op's child could find her father in the future.

Doesn't sound like this man is an asset and there is nothing to say he would be involved in a positive way in his child's life.

SirBoobAlot Mon 18-Feb-13 22:45:21

YANBU. Not at all. He's not a dad, he's an abusive prick.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

TheChaoGoesMu Mon 18-Feb-13 22:51:45

I wouldn't tell op. but you would have to tell no one at all, just in case.

NomNomDePlumPudding Mon 18-Feb-13 22:52:22

don't even think of telling him. you can tell your child about him as you deem it appropriate, until then, spare both of you the upset.

Lafaminute Mon 18-Feb-13 22:58:03

DH is adopted - he has no idea of his biological background. This is something he has had to make peace with and so he has done. This happens. I also know someone who was too drunk to remember which guy she slept with when she became pregnant (nice!) so these things happen. Not ideal but nor is it the end of the world.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 23:00:08

Correct legal way?

Just going by the legal way. Its all down to the absent parent to chase contact nothing at all is down to the rp until such time as a request has been made.

Its perfectly legal for a unmarried mother to not disclose any thing about a pregnancy to anybody,it is also perfectly legal to refuse to name a father. There is no legal obligation to inform or to do anything involving the other parent.

And a father who is not named on a birth certificate has no responsibilities towards a child.(certainly last year fathers name section was left blank as opposed to unknown for those who are interested)

So thats a perfectly correct legal way.

The legal way that involves arranging things with regard to orders ect is only relevant if both parties know of the existence of a biological child and the absent parent desires contact.

op if your of an age where by you could legitimately say biological clock is ticking loudly you could have used a sperm donation clinic and got lucky first time. Its a good rumour to start.

If anybody that's likely to repeat anything to The ex just knock a few weeks off how far along you are,if asked directly about him being the dad by anybody at all just say of course not.

Avoid places he hangs out,and don't post anything on fb unless its in several months and its a status that says "wow xyz clinic is brilliant donation worked first time".

TheFallenMadonna Mon 18-Feb-13 23:04:28

I don't know my biological father, and am thankful for it, as my mum married a fab man who adopted me, and I have a younger brother and sister.

My mum did however keep his details, so far as she knew them, but I never wanted them.

Inertia Tue 19-Feb-13 08:25:25

Not sure that it's a good idea to go down the road of naming sperm donor clinics TBH - too public. Think I'd be inclined to go down the road of the father being a man you were with a short while , didn't get to the stage of introducing him to people, he did a runner when you found you were pregnant.

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 08:33:14

Say nothing because it is nobody's business but your own.

diaimchlo Tue 19-Feb-13 08:59:50

What a nightmare position you are in OP and I believe YANBU in not wanting to share the news of your pregnancy with him based on his abusive behaviour.

In an ideal world not telling the father would be the correct decision, but after a lifetime of risk assessing I think there is one issue that I don't think has been brought forward that is in the interest of the safety of your unborn child. God forbid that your DC will develop a medical condition that requires your ex's or a member of his immediate family's physical input to ensure recovery. It may be a difficult situation if in a few years down the line you all of a sudden announce to him that he has a child that requires his input.

I wish you all the best xx

Lottikins Tue 19-Feb-13 09:38:53

From a practical point of view- have you anyo mutual friends/aquaintances?Are you planning on moving to a new area?
I just think ,aside from the moral duty to tell him, he is going to be furious down the road to find out he has a DC you never told him about, and you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 09:52:13

you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

Crikey Lottikins! Don't you think she's doing that already?

Telling people who have been in a abusive relationship that they should still run their life around not making the abuser angry is tantamount to saying they are responsible for the abuse.

The OP needs to make the right decision for her baby and shouldn't be scared into doing something which sentences her and the child to further abuse.

THere is also plenty of time before the child will ask questions, so the OP's best option is to get on with her life, avoid contact with this man (she can block him to the point of taking out a non-molestation order if necessary to prevent him contacting her in any way). As to 'needing to know your bio-parents', this isn't necessary. I was adopted as a baby, have never traced my bio-family and it simply isn't a big deal (I am nearly 50). Some people get all whiny-arse about their 'roots' but it's only a problem if you make it one.

As I said, OP, take advice from Women's Aid on protecting yourself legally from this man, enjoy your pregnancy and best of luck.

Lottikins Tue 19-Feb-13 11:53:30

Ok well I'm bowing out now,I don't know why she bothered asking when she had already decided.
But just to say I think what she is doing is fundamentally very very wrong and is going to come back to bite her on the bum bigtime!

BlessedDespair Tue 19-Feb-13 12:52:50

Lottikins I posted as I was unsure but yes I've decided not to inform him. Not sure why you think that's wrong?

Is my and my childs right to a safe and happy life somehow less than his right to control every aspect of both our lives? As that is what will happen if he knows for sure that my child is also his. He's very good at making you believe that he knows best and that you are nothing more than a wayward child in need of guidance or a trip over his knee to make his point clear. Mutual friends don't know why I left him as 'we seemed to be such a good couple'. Yes because you were carefully selected and approved friends. My real friends see him for what he is and support my decision.

My child will know who their father is and how to find him so they will not be denied the opportunity. If they do choose to meet him, knowing the reasons why we split then I will support their decision and help them as much as possible. Hopefully they won't have too many issues relating to not knowing their bio father and will understand why I have made the decisions I have.

To all those offering congratulations and words of advice - Thank you it's nice to know that I'm not quite so alone smile

Sugarice Tue 19-Feb-13 13:00:01

You've made the right decision Blessed.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 19-Feb-13 13:04:11

Hi op,
As a daughter who has father unknown on her birth certificate...
as a daughter who has to this day never seen a picture of her dad never mind spoken to him...
As a daughter who will never know her biological dad...

I would like to say to you

Under no circumstances should you lie to your child, the truth in increments will suffice.

There were many times in my childhood I cried for the daddy I didn't have. I would have given anything to know him

As an adult I have no desire to contact him at all, anyone who could treat my mum like that has no part in my life. I am not even slightly screwed up (about that smile)

As a woman and fellow dv sufferer I say only you know for sure.

If you do decide to keep this to yourself please write a will stating a guardian and enclose for them a letter with everything you know about xp so that if your dc want to go looking they can, even if something unexpected happens to you.

See you in lone parents section smile

HerrenaHarridan Tue 19-Feb-13 13:12:02

Wtf is with people " don't know what she bothered asking meh meh meh meh meh"

Just because your argument was not convincing enough to sway her doesn't mean she shouldn't of asked.
She made in clear on the op that she had decided what to do and was wanting to be sure.
I think she listened very reasonably.

It really bugs me when people do that

Sorry to hijack your thread with a rant op. just listen to your heart, you clearly already know the answer!

LittleEdie Tue 19-Feb-13 13:17:19

YANBU

CountTurdula Tue 19-Feb-13 13:37:55

Why does your need to know your father trump your mums need to be safe? I am actually gob smacked that you think that her being physically assaulted is less important than you wanting to know the prick that did it!

This

The safety of the mum and her baby are the priority imo. Fuck him.

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 16:21:42

The OP asked because she needed to hear different experiences and opinions in order to help her see all sides and make a reasonable, balanced decision. IMO it was a good idea, she listened and has made the best decision she can for her child based on what she read on here plus a hell of a lot more experience and information than she could possibly share on this thread.

MN isn't about being told what to do. It's about asking and listening to people who can sometimes help you see things from a different perspective.

Most people who have personal experience of an abusive relationship think she has made the right decision. Having, myself, cared for a 4 week old baby who had multiple fractures from being thrown across the room by a man who sounds very like the OP's ex, I too think she has probably made the right decision.

I very much hope that in the future her child will understand and agree with her.

McNewPants2013 Tue 19-Feb-13 17:19:45

You sound very sensible good luck with the future and wish you all the best with the pregnancy.

I think you are a very brave women thanks

Thumbwitch Tue 19-Feb-13 19:15:27

Oh Gold, that's awful! sad and angry - hope the baby was ok in the end? Shocking that anyone could do that to such a tiny helpless little baby, urgh.

Thumbwitch Tue 19-Feb-13 19:17:26

Blesseddespair - good call. And I hope you can come up with a decent cover story for when your family start wanting to know what happened, because they will be unlikely to accept "I'm not telling you" and just keep pushing.
thanks and brew for you - hope you enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 19:19:10

It was horrible at the time but he doesn't remember it and seems none the worse for the experience. He has not seen his father again.

perplexedpirate Thu 21-Feb-13 11:47:10

Good for you OP, and congratulation on your pregnancy.

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