Can I go to the police with this? Facebook related.

(99 Posts)
Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 03:38:49

Ok, try and keep this brief.

Ds had a horrific accident in mid 2010. In which both dh and ds were both set on fire. It was a freak accident, no one was to blame, and childrens services, nor the police were involved. In fact their wasn't even an investigation.

Now I have a person in which I thought was a friend, she came and seen ds at the hospital, brought him gifts and wotnot when he came out, has been to my childrens parties with her children and I hold a hallowe'en party every year and she attends with her children. Etc...

We had a minor disagreement after she was continually slating the hospital in which my son attends/attended. As she was constantly calling them idiots, morons, uneducated etc... (Her child was admitted) I said that *is hardly call them idiots, considering they saved ds life*. (She's in the same ward as ds was for 4 months).

She took a massive offence by the comment above and deleted me from her account.

A friend in common (who did not know her post was about me) liked a comment she made beleiving it to be in reference to a child in the ward she was in (friend didn't know about the disagreement) so hence why I seem the following post.

really wonders how a parent who has put their own child through so much pain through their own stupidity, can have the bare faced check to slag me off, I suppose guilt is a strong emotion, and presents itself in various ways, attacking others in being one iof those ways. My conscious is clear in ive done all I can possibly do for my child, unlike others here

Now I have not al all slagged her off, nor have I attacked her in anyway shape or form, they only thing I have said was my above comment.

It is clear from people in common who have text or called me, to say they are disgusted by her comments, and they have spoken to her and have said the post was vile, inaccurate and below the pale due to a minor disagreement and even at that, was really just a different opinion.

Its also clear going by the following comments, that is it clearly about us.

I'm beyond angry, in that she has blamed us for hurting our child, and that she has done it so publicly.

To make matters worse I have too see her everyday as she teaches in my childrens classes as a volunteer teachers assistant. I do not want this person anywhere near my children!!

I really want to go to the police about this, but don't know if I can, or if this is a matter they can deal with.

I also want to go into DC school and ask that she does not go anywhere near them.

AIBU, or am I just completely mad?

I honesty can't express how hurt, disgusted, and angry that this has been said about us and so publicaly also.

BadLad Mon 18-Feb-13 03:45:54

Not a matter for the police, as far as I can see. Unless I missed something, all she has done is posted something rather unpleasant.

What crime are you thinking she has committed?

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 03:47:23


Selba Mon 18-Feb-13 03:47:23

How incredibly hurtful of her.
No, it's not a matter for the police.
She has done a good job of publicly making herself look like a complete arse.

Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 03:51:43

I honestly don't know.

I just hate the fact she has accused of us seriaoullynharming our child, blaming us for all his pain, and so publicaly also, people have actually said were scum, low life's, who does that to their own flesh and blood, is many of the comments that has been made.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 18-Feb-13 03:52:28

Darlin', you're rightfully very angry. That accident was utterly horrific, and had a devastated effect on your family, and to read a comment that tells you that she has always sort of thought that you/your husband was to blame must hurt incredibly.

But no, it's not a crime - there's no threat to you. At the very most it might be defamation, which is a civil offence, but I don't think you'd get very far.

The woman may well be an utter cow. But you can't ask for her to be removed from teaching duties because she's said something vile about you. If you want to send her a message saying "I honestly can't express how hurt, disguseted and angry hat this has been said about us and so publicly also - I consider this utterly unforgivable and I never, ever want to speak to you again" that's reasonable. But the rest of it...sorry. I know she's a cow. But YABU.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 03:52:37

Turn off the Facebook.

BadLad Mon 18-Feb-13 03:58:58

Just be thankful she has outed herself as a piece of turd and you now know better than to waste a single breath on her ever again.

If a mutual friend didn't recognise that it was about you, then you presumably weren't named in the message, so I think you are unlikely to get very far making a complaint.

anonymosity Mon 18-Feb-13 04:03:59

I agree, turn off the facebook. If she unfriended you perhaps you can block her "feed" or something. Facebook is the devil, really, for friendships and misunderstandings.

Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 04:09:54

Sorry I should have said I deactivated my account soon after I seen the message.

Can't believe people can be vile of this nature and I can't do anything about.

I serisouly feel unhinged about the whole thing.

I honestly don't know how I will cope seeing her.

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 04:10:04

You can report the post on fb and there is a box to tick to say it is a personal attack on you. There is also a box to ask her to remove the offensive post.

Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 04:11:05

I've reported it to Facebook,

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 04:11:54

Ah sorry, cross posted there. Good for you.

ripsishere Mon 18-Feb-13 04:13:04

I don't know your backstory, it sounds horrific.
I agree with the idea of turning off the FB though. It causes so many disagreements and hurt feelings. I don't have it. DD does.
Badbird has 100% sensible advice.

ripsishere Mon 18-Feb-13 04:13:23

sorry buzzard bird.

BadLad Mon 18-Feb-13 04:15:26


Buzzardbird, do you and I have a kid that I don't know about?

Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 04:19:48

Tortoise that wait has been, me and dh are starting couple therapy next week, as the strain it has put upon our marriage has been difficult (amoungst other relationship/parenting disagreements).

Thankyou everyone, still angry, but I need to calm down about it.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 18-Feb-13 04:25:31

Yes, I remember you saying that it's put huge strain on the marriage, I felt so awful for you when I read that.

I hope FB removes it. And again, I'm so sorry for you.

Kytti Mon 18-Feb-13 04:31:19

The woman is clearly a complete cow, but I don't think it's illegal.

At school however, you could try talking to the head about the problems your family personally have, and ask if either she helps in another class or that your child has no contact with her. I'd not think that was an outrageous request, considering her public attack and clearly disgraceful belief.

(You know she doesn't believe that btw, she's just being a bitch to try to hurt you.)

Big hugs. xxx

FellatioNels0n Mon 18-Feb-13 04:43:54

I remember that accident happening to your DH and DS, Altinkum. I don't think it is a matter for the police quite honestly, what a vile, spiteful, wicked cowbag she sounds and you are better off for having her out of your life.

Right. Firstly, you probably should not have said what you said on her fb page about the hospital. You disagree on how good/bad it is. You've based it on your experiences, and she on hers. People rant about stuff that annoys them every day on fb and if I typed my thoughts every time I disagreed with one of my friends I'd have no friends left. Besides, that's what Mumsnet is for. winkgrin

She hasn't named or accused you directly so there is little you can do. However, I might consider going to the Head at school and explaining (calmly and as briefly as possible) what has happened.

I don't think the school can necessarily have an opinion on what she does/says in her personal life, and they certainly cannot get involved in every silly spat between parents. However, I do think they should be aware that she is making these veiled accusations, because who is to say that she won't start trying to drip-feed bits of damaging and inaccurate information about what happened to your DS to the teachers? If she is capable of saying what she said to you on fb then she is capable of spiteful manipulative gossip in school, and at the school gate as well. You can't expect them to actually do anything, but as a self-preservation measure it would not hurt to make them aware. And to just ask the class teacher to keep an eye on her interaction with your child to make sure she is not acting unprofessionally with him to get back at you.

And I would send her a short, dignified PRIVATE MESSAGE back, saying you have been hurt beyond belief by what she has said, and that is perhaps for the best that your friendship is over, as you clearly have very different ideas about how to handle minor disagreements.

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 05:36:23

badlad sssshh! Was trying to keep babybird outa this.

I would actually not want the idiot around my child at school either but that is your call really. I would drop into conversation a little hint of a law suit for defamation of character just to make her shut the hell up with her stupid accusations.

FellatioNels0n Mon 18-Feb-13 05:39:59

But unless she has named her specifically there really is nothing Altinkum can do.

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 05:44:40

She may not necessarily know that though wink

Yamyoid Mon 18-Feb-13 05:49:24

So sorry to hear what you've been through.
If she's a volunteer teaching assistant maybe they could move her to another class?

Collaborate Mon 18-Feb-13 06:47:39

I disagree with those who suggest the school can do nothing. It is gross misconduct. Print the comment off and take it to the head, demanding action.

BlueyDragon Mon 18-Feb-13 06:56:04

What Fellatio said. It's not a police matter IMO though.

Sorry you're having such a tough time, Altinkum, you don't need this on top of everything else.

FellatioNels0n Mon 18-Feb-13 06:59:11

Shall we all just go and duff her up for you? grin Honestly, she sounds totally vile, and I'd be really disappointed if I thought someone so small minded, judgemental and downright nasty was working with my small child every day.

HollyBerryBush Mon 18-Feb-13 07:00:30

Has she used information she may have gained from working in the school?

That is professional misconduct, however, think on before you do anything - you could end up unleashing a vendetta. I don't think you can actually 'sack' a volunteer.

You need to look at that post very carefully and see whether it can be applied to 10 other people - even a current press story - or whether it can be taken as soley personal. Because if you aren't named, nor the specific circumstances mentioned, you'll be on a one way road to nowhere making complaints that cannot be upheld

lougle Mon 18-Feb-13 07:30:48

You can't sack a volunteer, but you can dispose of their services.

harryhausen Mon 18-Feb-13 07:46:43

What a complete bitchshock

I totally understand how you feel OP. I think I would be beyond mad/hurt too.

I've just briefly looked up Deformation of character,libel and slander on Google and got some 'wooly' answers so its fairly complicated - BUT I would send her a pm too. I would briefly inform her that you're looking into legal matters. Mention the possible laws she's broken. (There's probably not much you can do but hopefully it will scare the utter shit out of her!)

If possible, I would also have a casual chat with the Head.

Cherriesarelovely Mon 18-Feb-13 07:51:10

What a horrible, upsetting situation on top of everything you are coping with. I can understand this woman having a whinge about the hospital if her experience has been bad but to respond with such vitriol at your comment is crazy and extremely unpleasant.

I don't think the police can do anything but I would go and speak to the head teacher. I agree with collaborate, print it off first. Hopefully s/he will understand your concerns, I certainly would.

HollyBerryBush Mon 18-Feb-13 07:55:06

Libel, slander etc are civil offences - no one can afford a civil case unless they are millionaires.

What you can use is The Telecommunications Act 1984 and the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 for both harassment and cyberbullying.

Carolra Mon 18-Feb-13 07:56:27

I'm with Collaborate - its not a matter for the police but the school can definitely be informed, even volunteers generally have to sign up to a code of conduct and there are plenty of cases where people have been dismissed for saying stupid things on social media sites and bringing the organisation into disrepute. The school probably has a bullying policy that includes comments on social media sites and just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't be bullied. I am so cross on your behalf!

McNewPants2013 Mon 18-Feb-13 08:04:41

I wouldn't want this bitch around my child.

What a nasty thing to put on Facebook.

Altinkum Mon 18-Feb-13 08:20:40

Sorry I'm late replying I fell asleep at around 7ish but ds2 has other plans for me today, I'm at work at 10 and ive got to drop oldest of at footie camp and youngest off at the childminders. I look like death.

Woke up being sick, I'm now getting angry at myself, but I keep getting images of the day, and back to the whole, we should have done this...we could have done it that way, etc....

The day after it happened someone from childrens services came and seen us, and me and dh just sobbed, as we had to explain what had happened, she then had to leave the room and compose herself and come back in, she said she didn't need to see us again butbifnit ok with her she would like to come and visit to make sure me and dh were getting the treatment we needed, she made the counselling appointments for me and ds, and ds to his first session etc...

It was our first BBQ, we followed the ASDA safe tips, we have a split level garden, we put the BBQ at the back of it and the children at the very bottom etc...

I will be going to see the head.
A, because I don't want this women near my children.
B, I think I need to say to the school this is what she said, and I didn't want anyone thinking this of us, expecially as she is in the class with them.

I wish it was all a vile dream tbh.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 18-Feb-13 08:23:12

I think the school would do something.

She could be perceived by other parents to be in a position of knowledge/insight into the children she works with. She's made a comment on fb obviously slagging the parents of one of the children off even though she didn't name them. Other parents might think she has extra knowledge about the situation due to her job and then give extra weight to the comments. I would print the comments off and go and see the head.

It's not a police matter.

She's a total bitch.

MarkGruffalohohoho Mon 18-Feb-13 08:27:01

As people on the other thread suggested - whilst your comment on her page defending doctors was not a personal attack she obviously took it to heart being under some stress herself.

That does not excuse what she wrote is clearly unforgivable but the fact that she did not name you means legally it may well not be libel but anyone reading it will judge her on it not you.

You have reported to fb - good for you but it is not a police matter nor a school matter as long as she does her job without any negative impact on your son - should that be the case then it becomes a grievance (to that end I really would not discuss her with your son and see if anything changes in the classroom).

The only unreasonable thing is using the word cretin to describe her when you were taking offence at her use of the word moron. Both terms are bloody awful.

fromparistoberlin Mon 18-Feb-13 08:31:33

what a nasty and ignorant person

and how upsetting that she is a teaching assistant

However, as upset as you are this is NOT a case for the police. pls dont involve them as it will make matters worse

so you have deactivated facebook? GOOD

I think you must allow a few days for your upset to calm down

right now you are rightfully fuming, but I assure you this upset and anger will pass. I know you wont forgive her, but the initial reaction will fade

then when calm, you need to think about how to adress in a dignified manner

anyone who uses facebook this way is a pig ingnorant cunt twat so you are WELL RID

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 08:31:43

School would do nothing. You're embarrassing yourself by dragging fun quarrels into her work.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 08:35:15

Your. Not fun obv

I've heard these reported. There's a degree of eye rolling involved. Plus what if she's asked her side of the story. Do you really want a head to waste their time arbitrating between adults ?

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 08:43:26

No please don't say anything to the school, you are very upset at the moment, but with the clarity of hindsight you will see that what Belindacarlisle is saying is right.
From her point of view she is very dissatisfied that the hospital have not done everything they should have for her poorly child, which is obvioly massively upsetting for her.Then your comment ( in her eyes) implied that it didn't matter about her DS treatment, because your DS's was good..It was no excuse to post what she did , but she was very hurt and upset.

HolidayArmadillo Mon 18-Feb-13 08:45:46

Nah bollocks I'd totally be reporting her to the head. If I wrote something about a patient - even if I knew them out of a work setting - I'd be getting an absolute arse kicking at work. Stupid people should not be allowed Facebook as they clearly have no idea how inappropriate use and personal attacks can impact on the professional life.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 08:54:54

They will not get rid of a volunteer for a 2 sided spat between her and another parent over a personal matter.Think of the other side how much she is enriching the eductional experience of all the children in the class.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 08:55:28

you are presuming the school will give a fuck

BelindaCarlisle Mon 18-Feb-13 08:55:58

plus youll both look a pair of idiots

ll31 Mon 18-Feb-13 09:02:24

i dont know why you're going to school tbh, not sure they can do anything. also, say she says well look op is calling me names here-on this thread... which you did.

her comment was deeply unpleasant but doesnt even mention you by name-i thibk you've no way to 'punish' her.

tho i worry about kids using fb etc when this tyoe of nastiness appears so common with adults

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 18-Feb-13 09:07:42

not a police matter but rest assured shes made herself look a total and utter twat. hold your head up and keep looking after your family. wish your ds and dh all the best. people like her aren't worth your headspace

thegreylady Mon 18-Feb-13 09:08:37

I think that the people saying the school wouldn't care must be unaware of your story. I remember it well. I would have a chat to the Head and ask if it would be possible for this wicked (yes wicked to cause such distress) be moved to a different class. You must take a screenshot with you though. Your say so may not be enough. Good luck. I hope your ds continues to do well x

CatsRule Mon 18-Feb-13 09:12:40

I would be inclined to speak to the head at the school. Whether or not anything can be done to prevent her being in contact with your children I don't know but they do need to know she is behaving inappropriately even if it is outside work. I'd explain that because of the vicious comment you are concerned for your children, you don't want them treated differently at school.

I'm sorry for all that's happened to you and your family, it must have been horrendous for you and people like her clearly have no understanding of the heartache. Not all accidents are due to perental neglect. She is not a friend and clearly very ignorant!

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 09:13:30

she will say the post could be about anyone , and how could it be about you as you are not even FB friends?

CatsRule Mon 18-Feb-13 09:23:29

I also wouldn't stoop to her lever and message her.

It isn't nice to make comments like that publicly, so passive agressive, and it is unprofessional.

Would the other people who know her and the things she has been saying back you that I mean independently saying something to the school?

A volunteer working with vulnerable people would still need the same pvg checks as a paid teacher amd would be expected to behave in an appripriate manner as a representative whether on school or outsidw.

Collaborate Mon 18-Feb-13 09:32:48

A volunteer's teacher's assistant will be subject to the same standards of behavior that are expected from the teachers.

Bad mouthing parents about injury to a pupil is beyond the pale, and gross misconduct.

OP you're not going to look foolish raising it. The school should take it very seriously.

Cornycabernet Mon 18-Feb-13 09:34:29

That's awful altkinmum. sad I also think that you should go to the Head. Any decent Head would be concerned about having such a vile, ignorant fucker in contact with his pupils. At the very least she should be moved to a different class.

DinglebertWangledack Mon 18-Feb-13 09:37:06

How could you want to involve the police, no threat of violence or anything like that, she's just been a wee bit mean to you. I know you've had a rough few years, but you need to calm down and get a little bit of a grip in the nicest way possible, and obviously this woman is no friend if she is happy to slag you off to all and sundry on her facebook page.

maddening Mon 18-Feb-13 09:38:12

I reckon you could take her to court for slander - if you want to take it further ask a solicitor.

maddening Mon 18-Feb-13 09:43:05

As in it's a civil matter but you need to prove that she wrote about you.

You could message an innocent "why did you post x about me?" And if her reply confirmed that she did then that might be considered proof.

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 18-Feb-13 09:52:33

The way she may see it is that you've embarrassed her infront of all her Facebook friends by posting that comment, however that doesn't excuse what she then posted. Try not to get upset about what others have posted in reply, they have no idea who you are or what the situation was, not a lot of people (well I like to think that it's a lot!) would be low enough to make up the things she's said so her friends that don't know you wouldn't immediately assume she's lying iyswim?

It's not a police matter, and I doubt you'd be able to involve the telecommunications or harassment acts as it's only been one post in which she didn't mention your name, I'm pretty sure she'd need to have posted 3 different posts about you first.

You could speak to the head and outline your concerns about her volunteering in your child's class as she's made such malicious comments about a parent, but the head may not be too interested and you risk bringing it all up again and causing more hassle with the ex friend. As hard as it may be, just try and let go and forget about it, she was very very nasty but she's proved herself to be someone you don't want in your life and you dont need to be friends with her anymore.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 18-Feb-13 09:56:23

I would speak to the head about it, its disgusting to accuse you of that, and correct me if im wrong, but your DH was injured too, so its neglect or any of the like, it was an accident, made worse by malicious comments.

gordyslovesheep Mon 18-Feb-13 09:57:12

Oh what a horrible thing for her to type sad BUT from what you have posted she hasn't actually accuse you of doing anything - you said it was an accident - she hasn't contradicted that - she has just insinuated it could have been preventable

I am not sure you have a legal leg to stand on - a moral one - totally but not legal

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 18-Feb-13 09:58:08

not neglect wtf is wrong with me today

ivykaty44 Mon 18-Feb-13 10:16:17

I am not sure that you not being named is a red herring, as if you are identifiable by what it written then t hat may well be libel

I would check it out with legal though

Diamondsareagirls Mon 18-Feb-13 10:26:47

Completely disagree with those saying it isn't a matter for the school to deal with. She works with your children and whether she is a volunteer or a paid member of staff has nothing to do with it. She has acted unprofessionally and the school needs to know she is doing so as it affects her interaction with your children.
The head at my school would definitely deal with this.

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Feb-13 10:27:19

She could actually be talking about someone else she met at the hospital, not you at all, and you could be seeing it as you because of how understandably sensitive you feel about it all.

She says this person "slagged her off" - you didn't.

She says this person put her child through pain through their own stupidity - you didn't

she says this person has not done all they possibly can for their child - you HAVE

So what you see as "lies," could actually be "referring to someone else" (whilst still being incredibly unkind and foul to whoever).

Your other mutual friend didn't think this was about you but about a parent of another child on the ward. She knew you, your DH and your DS and what happened, and you still didn't leap to mind as the person being talked about. There is a chance that she is right. Tread very carefully.

ivykaty44 Mon 18-Feb-13 10:32:25

This volunteer is though writing about a child and stupid parents on Facebook

Which is not a great thing to do when you volunteer to work with children

Not good to refer to stupid parents

Any school would surely be concerned about one of their volunteers having this type of attitude to a child that had been injured and her calling the parents stupid

Regardless of who those parents are

foxache Mon 18-Feb-13 10:36:38

I'm saddened to see this thread here after reading your one late last night - it sounds like you've had a truly awful night. I'm really sorry to hear all this is happening to you.

If I were you I'd also want some comeback on the comments she's made, I understand why you would feel that way.

However, as BalloonSlayer and others have said, please tread carefully. It may not have been about you and it is also a woman worried with a sick child (however she's dealing with it) who is not thinking clearly. If you must talk to the school, can you organise some kind of supervised meeting with her to get to the bottom of it?

I hope you are ok and get a quick resolution to this.

SolomanDaisy Mon 18-Feb-13 10:41:12

I think it's entirely understandable that any discussion of your DS's accident is very upsetting and what she said was horrible and unforgivable. But, from her point of view, you made an insensitive comment first, at a time when she is under pressure with an ill child. Her over the top, nasty response to that is not the business of the police nor the school where she is a volunteer. Nor is it likely to be libel to accuse you of carelessness.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do when someone is unpleasant to you, other than realise that they are not a good friend or a nice person. Your real friends don't think like this.

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Feb-13 10:51:16

sorry altinkum I have just re-read your OP and noticed that you have said people have spoken to her and she is referring to you. Sorry - please ignore what I said.

Our local authority has issued guidelines to school about parents slagging off schools/teachers/staff on facebook and our DC's head has had to make comments a couple of times in the newsletter warning about it (why people are witless enough to do this when they have staff members as "friends" is beyond me). I would expect most LAs would have a policy about facebook comments nowadays.

A member of staff - albeit only a volunteer - making comments like that about a child in the classes they volunteer in, and the actions of that child's parents, would surely be acting in a way unacceptable to the head teacher, and the LA's policy. I would go and see the head.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 11:07:07

OT but whilst I can understand the LEA not wanting parents slagging off a school, they have no authority to ban it!

EuroShagmore Mon 18-Feb-13 11:22:12

Police? No

School? Yes.

Lottikins Mon 18-Feb-13 11:36:26

Can I just ask what sacking a volunteer will achieve? It will harm everyone apart from the one giving up her time for nothing?

zipzap Mon 18-Feb-13 12:30:55

If she has confirmed to others that she was talking about your family on fb, even if she didn't use names, it is worth speaking to the head. You don't have the right to ask that she doesn't work at the school but you can ask that she doesn't have direct regular contact with your child and minimise any other contact.

The ex friend is a volunteer - I'm guessing the school loves to have volunteers. The ex friend might demand that she will only volunteer if she can work in the same class as your dc for whatever reason (her kid there too, likes the teacher, age group etc). It's then up to the head what happens - I'm sure they will know what has happened to your dc and will be extra sensitive to their needs. If not, then you have to then decide what to do for the good of your dc.

And at least lots of your real friend's recognise how off she has been in her comments so they know the truth.

Habanada Mon 18-Feb-13 12:38:08

You must be shaking with rage (I would be). I see a lot of this going on on Facebook, the passive-aggressive accusations.

She's embarrassed about you publically disagreeing with her so she's attempting to smear you to save face. She's made herself look like an idiot and she will realise that already given the amount of backlash she's already had about it. You should get some satisfaction from that.

I'd be desperate to send the PM suggested by Tortoise, but would it give her more satisfaction to know you've seen her message? Will you end up in a war of words with her that's just going to leave you even more upset? She will probably do what a lot of people would do and deny it's about you, make something else up, and you'll both always know it actually was meant towards you but said in the heat of the moment and un-take-backable.

Please don't let this awful woman sap your energy [unmumsnet hugs]

Oh and I agree with Police No, School Yes.

Pigsmummy Mon 18-Feb-13 12:38:23

If you are not named the FB won't do anything and the police will consider it a waste of their time. Just ignore it

AViewfromtheFridge Mon 18-Feb-13 12:40:59

In terms of legality, there's nothing you could do in a criminal court I don't think, but surely there could be a civil element to it - slander or libel or whichever the internet is deemed to be?

Pigsmummy Mon 18-Feb-13 12:50:42

Defo go to the school though

FairyJen Mon 18-Feb-13 13:09:11

Op sad I would speak to the school definatley even if they cannot "take sides" as a volunteer it would be simple enough to place get in a different class to your child. Remember any stress on you and your partner will affect your children do the school should be made aware of it imho

BlatantLies Mon 18-Feb-13 13:32:07

I am not surprised you are upset. That is an extremely nasty comment. As it is so, so awful I bet that anyone else reading it would also realise that she is a nasty piece of work.

I hope you are OK. [bunch]

BlatantLies Mon 18-Feb-13 13:32:33

Oops I meant thanks

WhichIsBest Mon 18-Feb-13 13:56:46

I would go and ask that she not help in your DC's class.

thebody Mon 18-Feb-13 14:00:29

I am so very very sorry op she sounds vile.

I am a TA and would not dream of mentioning any of the children/parents in my class or school.. She is making a huge mistake doing this and school will have a policy on social media which she is supposed to adhere to.

I would report this to the HT.

Again so sorry xx

I would take it to the HT of your dc school.

She is accusing the parents of a child she teaches of having deliberately harmed the child, and she is doing so publicly.

SuffolkNWhat Mon 18-Feb-13 14:02:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarinaIvy Mon 18-Feb-13 14:35:02

Written = libel. Spoken = slander.

And you don't have to mention somebody by name for it to be libel or slander, the only benchmark is that a reasonable person in the relevant audience would know who is being talked about. Of course this can vary from one forum to another, but in this context it seems pretty clear, not least because you've had other people bring it to your attention.

I agree that police probably won't get involved, and that a libel case would cost more than it's worth, but getting Facebook and the school (with screenshot) to do something about it are the ways forward. Yes, the school would be interested to know about this abuse of internet, and yes, you can get rid of a volunteer (or paid) worker for this sort of breach. Hell, if I were her head teacher, I'd be tempted to sack her for misuse of the word "conscience".

And take heart that many friends-in-common are giving you their support. You said some people have told her what she wrote was vile, etc - have you heard anything further, like what she'd said to them in reply?

I don't think you have much to gain by writing to the woman directly, best case scenario you'll make her day for upsetting you so much, worst case, she'll find a way to twist your words yet again.

Keep us posted! And hugs to your DS.

MariusEarlobe Mon 18-Feb-13 14:46:24

School DO have a duty! She wrote a comment accusing abuse on a public forum about a child in her care at school. Hence why teachers who flagged families off on Facebook have recently lost their jobs, they didn't name names either.

You need to go in speak to the head and state you are concerned a member of their staff is spreading serious allegations on a public forum where it may be read by other parents.

sherazade Mon 18-Feb-13 14:50:11

If she is working at your children's school surely she can't be allowed to have parents on her fb list.

xxDebstarxx Mon 18-Feb-13 15:25:30

As others have said the school should have a social media policy and I'm sure they will not be happy that she has spoken like that about the family of a child she works with.

Definitely make a complaint and say you are not happy that she is in class with any of your children.

Cuddlyrunner Mon 18-Feb-13 16:00:41

OP, I have sent you a private message x

LtEveDallas Mon 18-Feb-13 16:16:34

PureQuintessence Mon 18-Feb-13 14:01:08

*I would take it to the HT of your dc school.
She is accusing the parents of a child she teaches of having deliberately harmed the child, and she is doing so publicly*

I agree with this. Even if the HT does not take it seriously, or nothing more is said, it cannot cause any more hurt than Altinkum is going through right now.

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Feb-13 16:28:28

she isn't accusing them of deliberately harming him though. She is accusing them of being careless and letting him down in some unspecified way.

However given that she knows neither is the case, what she is saying is still malicious, inappropriate, untrue and and an appalling thing for anyone to say, let alone someone in her position.

BelindaCarlisle Tue 19-Feb-13 07:02:01

The police have recently had new guidance from the DPP. They won't prosecute for being unkind.

CabbageLeaves Tue 19-Feb-13 07:16:29

Definitely go to the head about this. I spoke to the head about a TA at school and was reassured. My complaint was both unsubstantiated and personal (exH and woman related) and I fully expected to be dismissed with a 'grow up' and 'we're professional' response but the Head took on board my concern and promised this woman would never work in my DCs class (yes, I was amazed)

Altinkum Thu 21-Feb-13 21:39:26


Sorry I haven't replied as their isn't much to tell, I will be going to school on Monday, but understandably I'm trying to not think about it.
My comment had no malice or bad karma towards her, just stating my experience, and if she allowed me to say, that we all have different experience...

Altinkum Thu 21-Feb-13 21:41:49

I said a word on here that MN quite rightfully deleted, I wrongly didn't know it was a disablist word, and for that I apologise.

florry88 Fri 22-Feb-13 17:17:20

Hope you got a satisfactory response from school.

Im sure she cannot mention in any context children where she works

AppleStroodles Fri 22-Feb-13 17:45:14

I would go to the school, I wouldn't want my children anywhere near her, really disguting behaviour.

AppleStroodles Fri 22-Feb-13 17:45:26


roslet Fri 22-Feb-13 17:47:29

The school would want to know about this. Parents tell Headteachers many things that are not always relevant, but this is.

JakeBullet Fri 22-Feb-13 17:51:12

Altinmum I really feel for you as something similar happened last year with my DS. A woman I thought was friendly actually referred to my DS as "a little shit" on Facebook. I only saw it as someone sent me a screen grab but like you I was hurt, angry and shocked.
Tbh the school did not get too involved and on balance I think that was wrong but time has gone by now and I have let it go despite wanting to call her all the names under the sun the next time I saw her at the school gate, I still hate her.

Like others have said....she is an awful woman, do t let her sap your energy.

Likewise don't PM her...but if it helps then were the message you would like to send....I did this, didn't send it but still have it to remind me of the fact she is a bitch and not worthwhile.

Altinkum Sat 23-Feb-13 21:18:59

The message I would send her is this...

You accused me of deliberately harming my child through my own selfishness and that I have a guilty conscious, and that (in your opinion) I have failed to do the best for my son.

I realise now your true character was always false, when you came to the house with gifts. Seen first hand just how devastated we were.... Including ds1... and then come to future parties like his first birthday party, annual Halloween parties that we hold... But because I simply stated a fact... In that the RVI saved my child's life, you then took it beyond personal in YOU bringing our innocent children into a non difference of opinion. I may suggest to you that you are continually telling me on Fb/friends etc... To get a life well I'm more fidfiled than I've ever been.

I honestly hope toy get the answer You need for your child.

I rely do how x is ok and you get the results your expecting, however

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