Is my sister BU?

(79 Posts)
LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:23

NC as talking about our salaries etc. Our parents didn't earn very much and sacrificed a lot, particularly financially, so that we could have the best experiences growing up. As they have got older they have got progressively worse-off and now earn just under the average.

In contrast, my sister and I did very well out of their efforts and she earns £22.5k plus bonuses and will earn more once she qualifies. I earn £23k and am looking forward to a substantial promotion in the summer if all goes well. We are 24 and 25 respectively. DP comes from an extremely well-off background and is very generous. This is all relevant.

We have a kitchen gadget that my DM fell in love with over Christmas. It is approx £100 so not too much money to either DSis or me/DP, particularly in light of how much our parents have given us/continue to want to give us even though we stand on our own feet. Her birthday has gone, Christmas has gone so I suggested that we buy it for Mothers' Day. DSis refused on the grounds that it's too much. Meanwhile DM is talking about buying a v cheap version -all she can afford - and I am fuming that we can so easily buy her a good version, save for DSis holding out (our presents are always joint - if DP and I buy it family WW3 will break out). Eventually I have persuaded her that, if DF contributes what they would have spent, we will make the difference up.

Now it's their major anniversary coming up at the end of the year. They want to go away with us for the weekend. DM says maybe they'll treat themselves to a non-Travelodge stay. So I said to DSis that their present could be a nice hotel stay, just a normal nice hotel, nothing extreme (they are strictly caravan/Travelodge people, as we were until I met DP and DSis got her job - DSis gets to stay in some v swanky places for work and was bitching about being put in a Premier Inn last year). DSis said fine but it "had to" have a family room she could stay in with DParents as she wasn't forking out for a single room plus the share of their room. I don't think it's nice that it's their anniversary and they have to share a room with their adult child hmm so I have agreed with DP that we will split the cost of her room and ours three ways. He is fine with it as he wants my parents to have a good time but a bit hmm with my sister after all the fuss about the kitchen gadget - it has taken me since Christmas to get her to part with more than £10 on a gift for my Mum.

Is DSis BU? She has the money, we have the money and we are in this fortunate position thanks to the boost my parents gave us. I'm not suggesting we go OTT but I think we can afford to treat them now.

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:43:16

Sorry, just seen the time. I have to get up at 0545 tomorrow so will be back tomorrow afternoon to check replies. Thanks in the meantime smile

DeepPurple Sun 17-Feb-13 22:44:18

May be she has less money than you think she does?

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:45:58

She doesn't. I know because she loaned me some money three years ago so I could complete a professional qualification (at the time DP and I had only been together a year and we weren't at that stage of sharing). I know how much she has because she let me know when we worked out how much I could pay he back in installments.

Really a bit confused.

I think YABU. Its her money really and not up to you how she spends it.

I think you need to get round the joint present nonsense. If you can afford the gadget then buy it.

Though surely a hotel break costs more than £100 <baffled>

She is BVVVU for wanting to sleep in their room. And a bit weird.

cees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:47:13

Cause ww3 and just get them your own gift, break the pattern and you won't feel like your always at your sister for money for this and that gift. You and your partner are a couple so just do gift from likeawire and mrlikeawire.

YABU I think. If you want to buy your DM something or spend money on her then I think its unfair for you to decide and just expect your DSis to pitch in the amount you specify. Why not just buy what you want yourself and leave your DSis to buy her own presents?

I'm guessing she doesn't share every aspect of her financial dealings with you so she might not be able to afford it.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 22:48:02

Buy the presents seperately. You clearly have different ideas about presents. I would also be financially generous in your position, but she clearly doesn't see it the same way. Do your own thing and let her do as she will.

VBisme Sun 17-Feb-13 22:48:56

I'm sorry but I think YABU, you have a well off DP, your sister does not and isn't really earning very much if she lives alone and pays bills.

I think it's nice you want to treat your DParents, but you don't need to drag your sister into it.

She is BU for wanting a family room with your DParents.

squeakytoy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:49:27

bizarre.. confused

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:50:00

The problem isn't what your sister wants to spend, the problem is that you have to do every gift as a joint thing.

Is that really going to last forever?

I'd have a chat with your sister and gently say that as you can't agree on what you get your parents on special occasions, you'd prefer to be able to do your own thing which leave her able to spend whatever she is comfortable with. She isn't in the wrong for wanting to spend less than you, you just have different, equally valid, opinions.

maddening Sun 17-Feb-13 22:52:11

Is she single ? Life for a singleton is more expensive than life as part of a childless couple - so 22.5 k would have to cover more and if she travels for work am sure she gets extra personal expenses she can't claim back.

Maybe going foeward do presents separately. As for the weekend away you set the standard by the smallest budget - if it's special and you want a higher budget then it is reasonable for df and yourselves to chip in as it is important she is there and you are stretching beyond her budget.

MumVsKids Sun 17-Feb-13 22:53:39

All sounds a bit odd really. Just buy the gadget for your dm for Mother's Day and be done with it.

Let sis sort out her own gift and if ww3 breaks out because you didn't go joint on the present, them i think you are all being unreasonable unless you really have nothing else to worry about.

YABU as you seem to think your single sister should be contributing the same to your parents gifts as you and your v well off DP, when a fairer split would be more like a 3rd each.

It sounds like your attitude to money as changed since you met your minted & extravagant DP? Whereas your sister is still being careful with money, as your sensible parents probably taught her to be. Lay off her and think of your own treats for your parents, if that's what you want. But don't assume she loves them any less than you do.

Pancakeflipper Sun 17-Feb-13 22:54:31

Stop the joint present stuff cos you are not happy and she is not happy.

I don't understand why the fact she had money to lend you 3 yrs ago means she cannot have financial issues now. Or perhaps she is tight with money when it come to present buying but that's her issue.

And she really wants to stay the night in the same room as your parents on their W/Anniversary? Really?

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 22:55:14

Also three years is a LONG time financially and a LOT can change. You know nothing about her finances OP.

Megatron Sun 17-Feb-13 22:55:37

I find it odd that two adult siblings in their twenties are still buying joint presents to be honest. I can understand it for the anniversary one but not birthdays or Christmas etc. Stop all that and buy your parents what you want.

She may be struggling financially on £23k if she has bills and rent etc and doesn't have a wealthy DP like you have.

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:02

Okay, I accept I'm being U about asking her to spend her money on stuff she doesn't want to get. When we both didn't have money it was a way of buying a nicer gift and we had fairly equal ideas about what to get.

I have offered to let her contribute whatever she is comfortable with and I would make up the rest but she didn't want to do that.

Since the kitchen gadget is sorted (she has already called Dad and spoken to him) I will phrase it as cloudsandtrees suggests for the anniversary and beyond.

And I did a very lame job of going to bed when I had a live AIBU thread grin

Confuseddd Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:47

I agree with the others, that WW3 might be in order! You might feel liberated if you just give up the joint present thing.

Uppermid Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:48

Why do you have to get joint presents?! You get what you want or your mum, let your sister get what she wants. End of.

deleted203 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:58:39

It's difficult. I can see why you think DSis is being unreasonable, but unless you are fully conversant with her finances it's hard to demand she cough up a sum that you have deemed is affordable.

I gather you are with a partner and sister isn't? So you also have DPs salary to rely on (and you say he is well off and generous). DSis may well not have very much at all left over at the end of the month.

FWIW my Sister is a bit like you - she is forever phoning me and suggesting we pay for this/that for my parents. This year we went halves on their Golden Wedding party (about £400 each) which nearly crippled us. Then she wanted me to share in an expensive Christmas present for them both and I had to say I couldn't afford to. My sister doesn't seem to be appreciate that she and her DH both work full time in professional jobs, have a small mortgage and no children. DH and I both work - but we have a large property in need of a lot of work and 5 DCs! We are permanently strapped for cash. Sis just says huffily, 'Well you both work! Surely you can afford to chip in for Mum and Dad? They would love this...'

It makes me feel mean- but I genuinely can't afford it.

itsakindarabbit Sun 17-Feb-13 23:01:16

I don't consider your sister well off. I was earning that at her age 10 yrs ago and living in a hovel!! Its not for you to dictate howshe spends her money.

MidniteScribbler Sun 17-Feb-13 23:04:23

I think it's time you just said no to buying joint presents. You're a grown up now, so just say no. If she kicks up a fuss, that's her problem. Presumably she has figured out that if she says no, that you'll put in the majority of the money and she gets to look she chipped in fairly. Just put a stop to it.

Book two rooms at the hotel, and make sure that they are both only doubles. Tell her the name and phone number of the hotel and tell her to book herself if she wants to come. Tell your parents the gift is from you and your DH. She can buy something else for their anniversary (or not if she prefers).

Buy the kitchen gadget and just give it to your parents "just because". You don't need to wait for specific present giving opportunities to buy something for them.

Thingiebob Sun 17-Feb-13 23:05:48

Perhaps she has far more financial issues than you realise?

I think YABU to expect your sister to divvy up money if she doesn't want to spend it. She might be stingy but it is her money to be stingy about iyswim.

My income is far more than your sister's but for various reasons we are really counting the pennies.

As someone once said on here 'It's not your income, it is your outgoings that matter'.

mantlepiece Sun 17-Feb-13 23:10:12

noooo you need to stop the joint present giving NOW. You are now in a partnership, you have moved on. That is the crux of the matter, just leave her to sort her own arrangements re gift giving.

YABU to try and make her contribute to anything.

ZillionChocolate Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:08

I agree you need to stop with the joint presents. It's plainly not working for you or her.

SIBU trying to share a room with your parents. Weird.

uptherear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:11

I too agree with previous posts that the problem lies with the joint present buying. I'm afraid I'd just say 'dh and I are going to buy XYZ for Mum and Dad, do you want to chip in? No worries if not, we will get it and you can buy what you fancy for them'.

Think she is BVU wanting to sleep in their rm on their anniversary. blush

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

£22.5k well off confused not really. YABU

So is your mum getting the Panasonic bread maker or not <wondering if my Colombo style hunch is correct>

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 23:44:51

I reckon its a kitchen aid babies grin

fatnfrumpy Sun 17-Feb-13 23:49:19

I think your Dsis is being tight however that is her perogative.
If I were you I would treat my parents without help from Dsis.
If you feel that your parents sacrificed a lot for your future then don't feel ashamed of spoiling them now!

Corygal Sun 17-Feb-13 23:49:25

Yr sis is earning well under the average, and is single and self-supporting to boot. She sounds like the worst-off member of the family by rather a lot.

YABU - do the no joint presents thang and spend whatever you want. And I'm assuming you gave her a very expensive Xmas present...

For £100? Where can I get a kitchen aid for £100?!?!?! <getting excited> they're 4x that aren't they?

GrowSomeCress Sun 17-Feb-13 23:53:53

YANBU, £22.5k is quite a bit with bonuses especially as she has no children (from what I gather)

but I do think you need to stop with the joint present thing.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 17-Feb-13 23:55:31

Did you miss a zero of your figures there op?

YABU -you really shouldn't look for ways to spend other people's money, it isn't yours to spend. 22.5k isn't a huge salary and you look to be spending about £200 of her net wage on these things.

JeeanieYuss Mon 18-Feb-13 00:29:44

Erm, sorry but YABU to do joint gift's and moan that your sister wouldn't contribute to the kitchen appliance, therefore your Mum had to wait etc/taking you ages to get DS to agree to help pay for it.. All that could of been solved if you had just paid for it yourself.

I couldn't imagine having to share present buying with an older sibling and them moaning about ho much it cost and all that palava. If my DM was alive I would just buy it and whatever else I wanted to treat her too, I think it's all rather odd really and maybe if you say she wanted it that much why didn't you just get it for her? No, seriously, why not?

JeeanieYuss Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:15


GW297 Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:53

I'm guessing it's a kitchen aid too! When you are on your own and have to pay for everything yourself it's really tough financially. Couples don't always appreciate this. Why not ask your sister for a contribution if you want the gifts to be from both of you rather than half? She needs her own room in the hotel though for sure!

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 00:43:39

You are no longer joined at the hip.

Do your own thing.

And let your DSis do her own thing.

No judging.

RougePygmy Mon 18-Feb-13 00:43:57

It was decided between my siblings that we would be getting my mother an ipad between us for xmas one year.

Now, I love my mother, and at the time, i was probably earning the most on paper, and had the whole "but you can afford it" malarkey. This was when they were brand new and still very very expensive.

But it had been decided by other siblings that this was what we were doing.

It turned out with me having to order it and pay for it in full, (since I apparently had loads of money) and then I would get their share back straight away. Took me 3 months to get that money back.

And no, we could not afford even our fair share, as I had just gone back to work after mat leave, dh had been made redundant while i was on mat leave, so we had no savings, and a few CC debts we were paying off, and had had to start paying huge childcare bills as we were both back at work just before that xmas, and we could barely afford Christmas for ourselves as it was.

But I paid out full price for the ipad, and myself and dh got each other nothing for Xmas that year, and Ds, for his first xmas, got a £10 gift. He was 11 months old, and as such, it could be said he did not need anything more, but i was very upset, esp as his Birthday was in January, and because my siblings did not give me the money back straight away, we did nothing and could get him nothing for his 1st bday.

But I had to go along with it, as they had told my Mom, before mentioning it to me, that this was what we were doing, and promised to transfer the money to me the same day i bought it.

Now, my siblings are usually lovely, they just got caught up with a moment of insanity that year, with an idea that ran away with them, they have never before or since done anything like that since, but fuck me was it annoying and I am still quite bitter years later.

Never ever presume to tell anyone else what they can afford!

ArseBandit Mon 18-Feb-13 04:51:26

Why would it cause WW3 if you and hubby just bought your own gift??

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 18-Feb-13 05:02:48

Agree with the "stop the joint present buying" brigade. You are 24 and 25, time to move on and do things separately.

Buy the £100 present yourself is it means that much to you, or give your mum a gift voucher for half the price, so that she can buy it herself?

You have a partner now, buy things with him, not with your sister.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Feb-13 05:22:28

Your sense of having done well, for both of you, seems to be based on future earnings. Maybe your dsis is more of a 'bird in the hand' person, without reserves, whereas you are gearing up to spend your future salary, courtesy of your DP.

If you're the eldest I suspect this is about attitude too and that you feel more grateful and responsible about what your parents have given you, now as a fellow adult, whereas in her head your sister is still a child, who is used to being given things.

Her attitude to the hotel room certainly suggests that, though goes beyond childish into quite weird.

Lavenderhoney Mon 18-Feb-13 05:23:52

Agree with the joint present buying. Sounds very stressy to me. Just get your dm what she wants if you can afford it. Why would your dsis begrudge her having it just because it's not a shared present? Or she thinks it's too much! I don't like that comment tbh.

And she shouldnt crash your parents night in a hotel! How would she feel if she was with a dp and dm wanted to share? Your parents might want to get it onsmile

Just book a double for them with the flowrs etc and see what the price of a single is. You can work out the price difference from the cost of a triple and the cost of a single. The hotel might do a deal. Your sis might not be so well off, but it's up to each of you what you choose to do with your money.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Feb-13 05:33:43

On the hotel thing, your parents have said they'll treat themselves. Are they expecting you to pay for your rooms, or is that their treat to you? Maybe they want to choose where they go for their anniversary. It sounds a bit like you're trying to take over. Couldn't you cover extras that go beyond their usual budget or experience; a meal, flowers, nice wine, a spa or other activity treat, whatever.

GingerBlondecat Mon 18-Feb-13 06:08:40

Unless you missed a couple of 000's in your post................

I gather your DH also brings in an income. So you get twice (at least) the income She does.
you did not mention a partner for her.

She is Not ur about spending less. but, it is time to start getting seperate pressies. You two are adults now. And on totally different incomes.

Pendipidy Mon 18-Feb-13 06:21:41

It seems very strange to me that at your ages you are still giving joint gifts! It is something 10 and 9 year olds would do. When she has a partner is it going to carry on then? Seems excessive stress and messing about for what reason?
Why do you still do it?

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Feb-13 08:39:08


This would irritate the shit out of me. I wouldn't tolerate a sibling constantly money for mum and dad.

Oh and 22.5k is really not a big salary.

Narked Mon 18-Feb-13 08:47:07

'It seems very strange to me that at your ages you are still giving joint gifts! It is something 10 and 9 year olds would do'

^ This. You're adults. Stop buying joint presents when you clearly disagree on appropriate gifts.

Your whole family dynamic sounds a bit weird. Why don't you all try living as individuals?

You and your sister buy individual presents for your parents.

Your sister not sleep in the same hotel room as your parents for their anniversary break.

I'm sure you'll all feel a lot better for it.

Narked Mon 18-Feb-13 08:52:05

At 24 my gift to my mother for Mothers' Day would have been flowers and a card. You could get the same now for less than £20. It's not your decision as to how much your sister should be spending on your mother or how demonstrably 'grateful' she should be.

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Mon 18-Feb-13 08:53:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 08:55:35

Why would WW3 break out?, this is strange.

Start doing your own thing regarding presents, if DSis gets arsey so be it.

cjel Mon 18-Feb-13 09:01:33

OP did offer to get gift and sis to chip in what she wanted but ds wouldn't do that either. Only way round is to do what you want and let her do what she wants. You are adults. Tell her what you are doing and step away!!!

whois Mon 18-Feb-13 09:04:24

Stop with the joint gifts. Just tell her it clearly isn't working out as you have different ideas on what kind of gifts should be bought so suggest you go separately from now on.

Binkybix Mon 18-Feb-13 09:05:21

YABU I think. From personal experience, it is highly annoying when a friend has a partner who earns loads, so spends their money and expects you to match it in various social situations.

Whocansay Mon 18-Feb-13 09:33:37

You sound like squabbling kids. Its none of your business how your sister spends her money and you shouldnt be pressuring her into spending money when she's made it plain she doesn't want to. She's allowed to say no for whatever reason she likes.

Equally, she has no say in what you buy your parents. If you want to play Lady Bountiful, get on with it and leave your sister out of it.

She IBU for wanting to stay in there room though. Suggest to her that your parents might actually want some 'grown up' time nudge, nudge, wink, wink! and she would be a major gooseberry. And selfish.

TheSecondComing Mon 18-Feb-13 09:39:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee Mon 18-Feb-13 10:08:10

I refuse to do joint presents as they weren't presents I would give. Dh's SIL wanted to buy our MIL a zoo membership so she would take the kids. Dh knew his mum would hate it, so we said no and she got stroppy because it meant her children would miss out!!!

But why should someone give a joint present just because someone else doesn't want to fork out for the whole present?

Just give from you and DP and not as joint presents.

RivalSibling Mon 18-Feb-13 10:09:59

I think its nice you want to involve your sister and also that you want to be generous to your parents as they have been generous to you.

I have learned that hard way not to assume that a sibling wants to do things the way I would like to do things. I have asked my brother to go halves on things because I thought my mum would like it and its just ended in tears - I feel resentful that my bro is so mean, he feels resentful that he is being asked to put his hand in his pocket.

Having had that experience I do get where you are coming from (and your sis does sound pretty selfish to want to share her parents bedroom on their anniversary to save money!)

Maybe its just time to move on. Circumstances will change a lot in years to come.

mrsjay Mon 18-Feb-13 10:30:15

buy her the kitchen gadget n your own tbh you are far to old for joint presents if you sister doesn't want too then you can't grumble if you can afford it buy it for your mum or is a bit stingy. give them some holiday or hotel vouchers for their aniversary

BlueberryHill Mon 18-Feb-13 10:32:43

Rougepygmy, precisely the same thing happened to me, except it was for my FIL. SIL decided that it would be a good idea to get FIL a laptop, £200 required from us, we had kids lots of outgoings etc. DH didn't want to make an issue of it, I hate it when other people spend our money.

ILs have a history of this, we have 'contributed' £3000 for a car for use at a holiday home abroad that we have been to twice. We haven't been able to go out in 3+ years as we had twins as well as an older child and couldn't physically get there plus it isn't really suitable for very young children. SIL again came up with the idea of getting a car out there and suggested everyone contribute to it, great for her, she has been out loads but only has one child and goes out with friends a lot. Bitter? Very, I was ML at the time and we had to pay for it out of savings.

I don't think the sister actually wants to stay in the room(?) She's trying to make a point, surely?

Like someone else said, why on earth would any of you go with them on their anniversary weekend? They've said they are going to treat themselves . Did your DM actually invite you?

diddl Mon 18-Feb-13 12:24:01

So the parents want a weekend away, would like the daughters to be there-& now OP thinks that she & her sister should pay for it?

Christ, I have a sister like that-it´s fucking annoying!

Especially when they don´t listen when you tell them that you can´t actually afford it!

MadBusLady Mon 18-Feb-13 12:45:47

This seems very odd. When I was on £22k and single I was living in a shared flat and budgeting carefully for modest luxuries like a meal out with friends or a new top, not buying my parents Kitchenaids and minibreaks. The majority of it just went immediately on rent, bills and commuting. Where can she possibly live that you consider that an enormous glad-handing salary, on an equivalent level to the gift-giving power of you AND your DP?

LikeAWire Mon 18-Feb-13 18:08:42

I wasn't going to come back as I did acknowledge fairly early on that I was BU to ask her to spend more than she was comfortable with, although I also qualified that with noting that I said she could pay whatever she wanted (after she initially refused) and that was turned down. However I'd like to address a few points.

- I know how much she has because she discusses it with me. I helped her flat hunt so I know her rent, she calls me to tell me what freebies she has at work (and someone did spot that it's the extras that make her salary high, I should have stressed that), she doesn't have a DP but she does share a flat and split all costs, she tells me when she gets bonuses and when she goes shopping/out.

- 22.5k is a lot to us. An awful lot. It's more than my parents earn jointly so to us it is relatively wealthy and by living in the way we grew up we have more left over than someone who grew up accustomed to more. I don't live extravagantly, whatever this thread may imply (because it is about spending £££ twice a year) and I work away so have to support myself in the same way as DSis from a similar salary. However I do realise that having DP provides a mental security DSis doesn't have.

- Given that I know my parents went without to buy us nicer things when they could have afforded it and now they can't afford it (not a kitchenaid - I wish for £100! grin Can't say what it is as it's very specific/not usual) I didn't think it was unreasonable for their children to treat them.

- Joint presents is a hangover from when we were both skint students/children. I can see it has to stop. I have suggested just buying things myself in the past but she doesn't want me to do that either as it would 'show her up'. I do feel a bit like I can't win, like I can't get DParents something they really want (and they don't want much) even if I have the money because either way DSis will get angry. I am not playing Lady Bountiful - DM wanted a book for Christmas so we got her that. It just so happens that she really wants this gadget and got really excited about it, kept asking me questions and was disappointed when she heard how much DP had paid.

- DSis agreed to the hotel very readily (it was a suggestion - we tend to bounce ideas around for weeks before settling on something presents-wise) but was insistent that she have a family room with them. She still shares with them to save money sometimes so it wasn't a ploy on her part. She's very direct and would just have told me to get stuffed (like she did with the gadget) if she didn't want to chip in for the hotel.

- DParents want a family weekend followed by a private holiday. TBH they don't get on very well any more and I suspect they want us as a buffer, which is very sad but we don't see them that often (live hundreds of miles away). Initially I said no as I didn't recognise the date and then I got an irate call from DSis telling me we would spoil the weekend unless we went. It's also mine and DP's anniversary that weekend so frankly it is an excuse for us to have a nice weekend away too - we all (normally!) get on very well.

- To those of you who say we sound odd (and I bet I get a few more of those comments after the last paragraph): I asked DP if we were an odd family and he said ours wasn't especially so and all families are weird grin I trust him to be honest!

I agree with those who say it's a bit much to expect DParents to share, especially when she tried to make me share with them last year when we all had to stay somewhere so that her boyfriend could visit her in the single room I'd booked (DP was away). She didn't want to fork out for a separate room then either - my parents had paid for the family room, I'd paid for the single and she said she didn't want to pay for a separate room for them (long story but she couldn't stay at his) hmm

Sugarice Mon 18-Feb-13 18:45:33

Bite the bullet and tell your sister that joint present buying has to stop as it's preventing you buying whatyou want to get your Parents.

It's not your responsibility to ensure she doesn't look tight with her spending, if she gets angry; so what.

Stop letting her dominate you.

givemeaclue Mon 18-Feb-13 19:11:59

Grow up and buy your own presents and stop nosing/judging eachothers finances.

Neither of you are on a high salary although I take the point parents, earned much less.

diddl Mon 18-Feb-13 21:10:46

Look, if you can afford the 100GBP thing & want to buy it-buy it!

She doesn´t want to be involved!

If she wants to share with parents-she asks them.

They say yes or no-she goes or not!

Also, it´s all very well your parents wanting a weekend away-but unless they pay, they can´t expect everyone to go tbh.

Even if you do earn more than them put together, they went without so that you could have as children-which many parents do anyway!

Jinsei Mon 18-Feb-13 22:19:37

Jeez, what is it with all the people wanting to piss on the OP's parade by telling her what crap salaries she and her DSis earn? hmm £22k is obviously no fortune but it's not a bad income for a young person in some parts of the country, and the OP clearly feels quite comfortable on that amount. No need to tear that perception down.

Also, is it so very odd for siblings to do joint gifts as adults? DSis and I still do this for our parents occasionally, and we are 42 and 39 respectively! grin I think it's fine if everyone has the same taste in gifts and similar budgets but it all falls down if there is pressure on one person to contribute more than they can afford. In our case, I tend to have more disposable income than DSis, and so I would always get her to set the budget.

OP, it's lovely that you want to treat your parents, but it's probably time to go it alone on the gifts now. It might be a relief for your DSis as well. smile

Also, whatever you might think of her spending choices, don't underestimate the difference that it makes having a wealthy partner to chip in. She doesn't have that, and her costs as a single person will inevitably be more.

Cailinsalach Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:42

Aaaaargh I hate the joint presents malarky. Ex H's sister used to do this. She would ask her Daddy what he wanted, order it and then present us with a bill, often more than we could afford. We were never acknowledged as having contributed. FIL even told me he considered the present to be exclusively from SIL as she had done all the planning. Ex H eventually told her to not include us anymore in her plans. My DB is no better. He never buys DF a present but asks if I will say the present I bought is from us both and he will give me half. Which he does months later.

Drop the joint present giving. It will end in tears.....

RivalSibling Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:43

I'm wondering whether this is upsetting you because your parents don't get on so well these days? Wanting to 'fix' it?

I'm a 'fixer' so do empathise, but you might be disappointed.

Sorry if I'm on the wrong track.

ScumbagCollegeDropout Mon 18-Feb-13 22:54:27

Maybe DSis has a secret coke habit.


Mimishimi Tue 19-Feb-13 00:43:12

YABU. Suggest it but if she doesn't agree, buy your own present.

We often do joint present buying in our family. For example it's dh 40th this year and I've asked his parents, brother and my parents and sister if they want to contribute. The difference is it's a choice and the amount they contribute is entirely up to then. And if they want to get something else instead and not contribute at all that is just as fine. If I can't afford the present i'm planning I'll either get something else or buy it anyway and it can be part of his Christmas present too. I certainly won't go chasing anyone to give more.

For us this works well but it works because people can do what they want and there's no pressure.

So there is nothing wrong with joint present giving in a situation like this but everything wrong with bullying people into spending more they can afford on a present they wouldn't choose to give.

And just as much wrong in being faulted into not giving a present you want to give because someone else can't match it. Since when was present giving a competition? It's the thought that counts not the monetary value, and if your parents grew up without much I expect they'll appreciate this more than most.

We often do joint present buying in our family. For example it's dh 40th this year and I've asked his parents, brother and my parents and sister if they want to contribute. The difference is it's a choice and the amount they contribute is entirely up to then. And if they want to get something else instead and not contribute at all that is just as fine. If I can't afford the present i'm planning I'll either get something else or buy it anyway and it can be part of his Christmas present too. I certainly won't go chasing anyone to give more.

For us this works well but it works because people can do what they want and there's no pressure.

So there is nothing wrong with joint present giving in a situation like this but everything wrong with bullying people into spending more they can afford on a present they wouldn't choose to give.

And just as much wrong in being faulted into not giving a present you want to give because someone else can't match it. Since when was present giving a competition? It's the thought that counts not the monetary value, and if your parents grew up without much I expect they'll appreciate this more than most.

See I feel so strongly about that I thought I'd post it twice so you didn't miss it.....

wintersweet Tue 19-Feb-13 08:32:05

Regardless of what either of you earn I think you should stop buying joint presents it seems to be causing a lot of conflict between you. Celebrations should be a time to come together and enjoy not fall out over presents or secretly resent how much you've had to invest. Simply say to your sister that you both have different ideas about what you'd like to buy for your parents and you should both buy different presents. I can completely understand how she feels about forking out for a single room plus supplement, maybe she should book a double and tell them that her partner is travelling down later when booking in, but staying in your parents room on their anniversary is unfair.

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