To ask to see my sons new girlfriend?

(73 Posts)
Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 21:49:21

He has had a few girlfriends, and I never met them, but with his latest girlfriend he has spent a few week-ends at her home. Sometimes I need to know if he is coming home as I need to secure the doors. All of our friends ask if I have met her yet, ( no pressure there then!) as they know he is living with her at the week-ends. One of our friends has 'friended' her on FB so they can know more about them than I do! Am I being unreasonable?

squeakytoy Sun 17-Feb-13 21:50:25

Have you asked him if he is going to bring her round to meet you?

smellysocksandchickenpox Sun 17-Feb-13 21:53:10

yup YABU,

perhaps they would be more relaxed about her meeting you if you were less... eager (not quite right word)

How old is he?

He might not be ready to introduce her to you yet. I'd let him do it in his own time tbh.

Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 21:55:19

Yes several times. Oh she is busy, or we don't need/want a formal meeting do we? I'm afraid tonight on a fleeting visit for a change of clothes, I did say that I had found it quite humiliating for me to answer questions from my friends.

Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 21:56:24

He is 29.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 21:58:32

His private life is none of your business - he will bring home 'the one' when he's ready.

smellysocksandchickenpox Sun 17-Feb-13 21:59:31

"Yes several times"

"I did say that I had found it quite humiliating for me to answer questions from my friend"

yeah! I can see why they stay away. Chill out and care less about their buisiness and they might open up more

I thought you were talking about a 17/18yo.

YAB totally U. He is an adult, I assume he has a house key should he need to get in, you questioning when he will be home will be totally humiliating for him, and he is grown up enough to introduce his girlfriend when he wants to. Just tell your friends you haven't met her yet, its no big deal.

Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 22:05:35

Ok thanks Ill chill. He normally lives at home, I'm probably being a little sensitive because of this. Also another fly in the ointment is that he has met her parents and will be staying with them for a night next week. I'm just feeling left out I suppose?

FelicityWasCold Sun 17-Feb-13 22:06:18

29?

29?

<splutters>

Yes YABU

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 17-Feb-13 22:08:16

YABU, but talk to him and say how you feel, and that you'd like to be included.
Then he can make the choice.

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 22:10:10

It's awful feeling left out,I hope you get to meet her soon.

akaemmafrost Sun 17-Feb-13 22:10:33

I would want to meet her too and I would say so but in a nice way "she sounds very nice, I would love to meet her ds". However YABU to get too bothered about it. Has to be in his time really.

Oh fgs.

I thought you were going to say he was 16.

29? YABU.

rodandtheemu Sun 17-Feb-13 22:13:27

Wow.........
< sits back pours wine and waits for crazy MIL thread>

deleted203 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:13:56

Oh Golly. I'd assumed he was a teen. I reckon at 29 he'll introduce you to girlfriends as and when he feels like it. I might casually say, 'I'd love to meet her sometime,' and leave it at that. But I wouldn't be concerned if I didn't get an introduction.

usualsuspect Sun 17-Feb-13 22:16:57

I would be curious about her,who wouldn't? ,but I wouldn't stress too much

Maryz Sun 17-Feb-13 22:17:19

I thought maybe he was about 17.

He's 29. Leave him alone.

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 22:19:14

I do find it bit creepy your friend has befriended her on FB in order to 'know more than you'.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 22:20:57

oh, fgs

hmm

Tweasels Sun 17-Feb-13 22:22:55

I think it's reasonable to want to know and meet someone who is going to be a big part of your son's life regardless of how old he is.

It's probably not reasonable to put pressure on him though.

Tell friends you are giving them space and to keep their noses out and bide your time. If it's serious, you will meet her...eventually.

CatsRule Sun 17-Feb-13 22:22:56

If his relationship is going to go somewhere I would be careful how you come across about this...I see your point but he is an adult and there is bothing worse than an overbearing boys mum!

I suppose as well it depends how close a relationship you have with your son, has he done this before, do you come across in a way that he might be worried to introduce you?!

I'm inclined to say yabu but I can see how you feel awkward about other people reporting on your sons relationship that you know little about.

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Feb-13 22:24:08

It's natural to want to meet her (in their own time)

But I'm getting the impression you're put out that other people are getting to meet her/getting to know her before you.

That's not the best reason really.

annh Sun 17-Feb-13 22:24:48

Why would your son's girlfriend even accept a friends request on FB from a friend of her boyfriend's mother? Are people in the habit of accepting random requests from people they don't know? If so, why don't you send her a friends request? It couldn't be any more bizarre than this one-upmanship which you and your friends seem to be playing with each other!

However, does no-one else think it's a bit odd that your son has reached the age of 29 and you have never met any of his girlfriends? What, never?

Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 22:33:04

CatsRule.
Absolutely, I feel bad when they tell me what he is doing, what's it got to do with them .......or me!

OK I have been put right now thank you.

Pendipidy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:33:13

Maybe its a BOY friend!

Emmatheratbag Sun 17-Feb-13 22:39:17

Pendipidy

No def a g/friend!

Hissy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:42:53

Your 'friends' are weirdos!

Why do they want or need to know the ins and outs of some poor woman's life?

I hope to GOD that she finds out about this, and RUNS like the wind!

Your ADULT son is entitled to a life, you can't do this to him!

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 22:43:46

TBH I would say to DS 'you know you have XYZ on FB? Shes a nosey old bat, keeps telling me you were at XYZ, be a love and delete her, she's spying on you'

thing is, if you keep building up meeting her in your head, then it becomes an issue and the whole experience when it happens is likely to far too formal.

Wolfiefan Sun 17-Feb-13 22:50:03

29? OMG! I thought this was about a 17 year old.
What relevance does it have that you need to know whether to "secure the doors". All sounds a bit odd.

Salmotrutta Sun 17-Feb-13 22:51:02

Our DS is a couple of years younger.

Best move we ever made was to "aid" his moving out. Now we don't need to be concerned with when he gets home!

I have absolutely no desire to poke my nose into his love life BUT I do admit to wanting to know something about any woman he gets serious about.

I don't want to have to deal with a DIL-from-hell.

I await flaming now.

I've read too many AIBU threads from rampantly unreasonable DIL on here.

Disclaimer: I know some MIL are unreasonable too!

annh Sun 17-Feb-13 22:53:18

How long has your son been seeing this woman? If he has spent a few nights at her house, he is not "living with her at weekends".

badguider Sun 17-Feb-13 22:53:55

just cause he's spent a few weekends at her house does not mean it's serious - i didn't introduce my parents to everybody i was shagging for a bit.. only those i was really serious about - maybe two in total before dh...

Salmotrutta Sun 17-Feb-13 22:57:04

Oh, and your "friend" is a loon.

I have even less desire to know about the love life of my friends' DCs than I do about my own DS's love life.

Why would anyone care about their friend's DCs love lives?? confused.

Is it competitive?... "My son's girlfriend is better than your son's girlfriend"??

scottishmummy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:57:34

Hell no,29yo an you don't need to vet his girlfriends
And at 29 no I'd not be inlined to meet mum if bloke I was seeing
I thought youd be meaning a 17yo adolescent

squeakytoy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:59:10

Would you allow her to spend the night with him at your house?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsase Sun 17-Feb-13 22:59:16

My MoL was most put out not to meet me until I'd been with DP for four months (we were both 19, both living away from home). The very first meeting we had, she looked me up and down and said 'Oh, so this is sadeyed? I was beginning to doubt she existed.' I love her now though.

It is a bit weird that your friend has FB friended her - I think you have to laugh it off with your friends and say 'oh, DS knows what he's doing, we'll meet her soon enough.' Maybe DS's GF knows that you are friends with the FB requestee, and doesn't want the requestee to say to you 'Well, I tried to be friends with her, but she was just so off with me!'

And maybe, this relationship is a big deal for your DS. So he wants to be sure of things before you meet?*

*That said, I don't want to sound mean, but he's 29 and still living at home? Why?

Salmotrutta Sun 17-Feb-13 23:08:44

sadeyed - you do know that there are more and more young people staying in the parental home due to financial constraints now?

Moving out the minute you hit 18/19 only really became the norm for DC who didnt go to university about 20 years ago I think.

chocolatespiders Sun 17-Feb-13 23:15:11

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsase - I am fully expecting my dd's to still be living with me wuntil they are 35 ish. The price of housing is so unrealistic now.

Casmama Sun 17-Feb-13 23:17:54

I think you are getting quite a hard time over this OP. Icant imagine why one of your friends has befriended her on Facebook and can understand how that makes things awkward for you. It seems a little unkind that she will be FB friends with friends of yours but can't pop in for a cuppa,

I hope you meet her soon.

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Feb-13 23:21:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee Sun 17-Feb-13 23:21:47

YABU. He is an adult and doesn't have to bring her home to meet you. DD2 has been going out with her boyfriend for 6 months and we still haven't met him. That's mainly because she has left home and lives about 3 hours drive from us. DD1 has met him as she doesn't live far from DD2

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsase Sun 17-Feb-13 23:27:20

I sounded mean there, I shouldn't have done. Both DP & I left home at 18 for various reasons. Aged thirty, we moved into rental property (previous home was supplied by work). We're 33, I don't expect that we will ever own a property. We had a while in a house that wasn't entirely covered by housing benefit, so my ESA made up the difference. We're private renting now, and it's tough.

So I'm not criticising people who don't own their own home, and I know how crippling rent can be. But I do think that people should be more realistic - if you can't afford a lovely executive flat, there's no shame in having a bedsit, and you might feel better if, aged 30, you have your own basic place, rather than an awkward arrangement with your parents.

<awaits flaming>

scottishmummy Sun 17-Feb-13 23:33:14

Maternal interest is natural but you have to play it cool
If he decides to introduce you two, great
In mean time, don't be too intrusive

Salmotrutta Sun 17-Feb-13 23:35:54

But it was the norm for people to stay with their parents until they married up until about the 80s.

It's a "modern" phenomenon to move out the minute you hit 18!

And it's different in other countries too...

Salmotrutta Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:28

That was to sadeyed BTW.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 23:43:20

Bloody hell, I didn't meet DHs parents until we'd been together 6 months!

ComposHat Mon 18-Feb-13 00:39:28

Adult son that still lives at home?

Domineering mother with an unhealthy interest in her son's girlfriend?

Is this real life or a leftover script from the mid 80s Ronnie Corbett sitcom: 'Sorry!'

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 00:46:52

yup, and OP doesn't want to "meet" her son's gf

she insists on "seeing" her

a rather telling difference in tone between those two scenario, methinks

"TBH I would say to DS 'you know you have XYZ on FB? Shes a nosey old bat, keeps telling me you were at XYZ, be a love and delete her, she's spying on you'"
Good advice from HollyBerryBush. Your friend's behaviour is totally bizarre.

ilovesooty Mon 18-Feb-13 01:02:52

I did say that I had found it quite humiliating for me to answer questions from my friends

I suspect that's the most important thing.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 18-Feb-13 04:47:41

I'm still stuck on 'secure the doors'.

OP, your 29 year old son does pay rent, yes? And has his own key?

Lavenderhoney Mon 18-Feb-13 05:12:35

Agree with the fb advice! And try not to discuss your sons love life with your friends, he deserves some privacy. Just say she sounds lovely and you're sure to meet her soon or not.

Perhaps it's her that is wary of meeting you - it sounds like a casual popping in to pick something up will turn into a quizzing of her and her life / whether she will be a good wife and mum! Perhaps you dont mean it that way?

He already shares so much with you - living at home, day to day life, perhaps he is enjoying some privacy. I didnt introduce anyone to my folks. They were so old fashioned and assumed anyone that came home was about to propose, meeting them they considered to be a Big Thing- they just didn't get the dating thing. Plus they were so nosey!

FellatioNels0n Mon 18-Feb-13 05:38:08

Aw! I feel a bit sorry for you! I think if he was a teenager then you could expect him to be a bit secretive, but as a 29 yo you would hope he'd be relaxed enough to introduce you. I think it might be a bit of a boy thing. Women/girls tend to get new partners involved with their family a bit sooner than blokes, I think. Maybe he is just not feeling that serious about her yet, but YANBU to feel a bit envious and left out. sad

cory Mon 18-Feb-13 09:01:26

When dh met me he didn't introduce me to his parents until he knew it was serious; that seemed perfectly reasonable to me.

Just because you've spent a couple of weekends with someone doesn't mean you know you want to spend your life with them, and it would be very confusing for the parents to be introduced to every frog that gets kissed.

Basically, this friend of yours sounds strange: never let yourself be persuaded in response to anything she says or does; it's bound to be a bad decision.

mrsjay Mon 18-Feb-13 09:09:17

he is 29 shock I thought he was 16 and staying out at night lock your doors he is a grown man you will meet her when he is good and ready <shakes head> 29!

TroublesomeEx Mon 18-Feb-13 09:30:21

Wow, I read the OP thinking he was 16 too!

He will introduce you to her if/when he is ready to and you might find this day comes a lot sooner if you back off and stop regarding him as a child.

He's nearly 30 FFS!

Her parents might be more chilled out than you.

TroublesomeEx Mon 18-Feb-13 09:31:23

I think you and your friends need to back off.

mrsjay Mon 18-Feb-13 09:35:41

yes I do too you are all far to involved and nosey in a grown mans life

mrsjay Mon 18-Feb-13 09:36:40

I dont have my 19yr olds boyfriend on facebook why would I confused

AllOutOfIdeas Mon 18-Feb-13 10:01:13

My mil did this to my dh when we first started dating, constantly pestering him to meet me.
I didn't want to meet her or his family as it felt like a huge step in our relationship that i wasn't ready for. I was wary of serious relationships and had some personal stuff to work through that dh was aware of and tried not to rush me.

Tbh it didn't set mil and my relationship off on a great start as i felt bullied into meeting her to make dh's life easier.

I would just wait until they are ready for her to meet you and just keep things light and friendly and not mention his fab ex at every opportunity .

rodandtheemu Mon 18-Feb-13 10:14:11

If my 'new bf' came to me and said...'my mum said one of her friends has friended you and can you be love and de-friend her, she is being nosey...'' i'd be like hmm what a bunch of weirdos.. both senarios are controlling. If some one told me to take some one off my facebook i'd tell them to piss off, never mind a crazy old bat i'd never even been summond to see. You would absolutly have no right to ask her to do anything.

If my friend continued to spy - i'd knock her off facebook and tell her you dont want to know, its an invasion of his privacy.

My 18 year old dosnt have me on facebook and I dont want to be on it either!

Pandemoniaa Mon 18-Feb-13 10:45:06

You really don't need to meet her until your ds is ready and the more pressure you put on him the longer it'll be before you do. Also, your friend sounds quite bonkers to befriend his gf on FB. To be brutally honest, what the fuck does it have to do with her? Also, I'm a great believer in not sharing everything that my two sons (30 and 32) are doing. They would hate it and, more importantly, I would have hated it when I was that age.

So back off a little and stop sharing so much information with friends. If and when the time is right I am sure you'll meet her.

squeakytoy Mon 18-Feb-13 10:48:16

It is possible that the girlfriend has met the OPs friend, and that is why they are friends on facebook..

OHforDUCKScake Mon 18-Feb-13 10:51:55

29 and hes still living at home. Expecting to meet the gf he sees at weekends. Your friends friending her on fb just to find out what shes like. You expecting yo meet her, as though he is 16.

Its all very very bizarre.

I was living at home when I was 26. I met someone the July of that year. In September I told my parents I had met someone. In October I told them I was going to move in with her. I moved out on my mum's birthday in December. I think they met her about two weeks before I moved out.

YABVU and possibly a little weird.

2rebecca Mon 18-Feb-13 11:45:58

Agree with others that your desire to meet his girlfriend seems to be more about you and wanting to impress your rather strange sounding friends than any consideration for him.
If my friends were wittering on about my son's girlfriend and wanting to be his friend on facebook to nose into his private life I'd be looking for new friends, not trying to join them in being nosy.
Tell your friends to make their own lives more interesting rather than living gratuitously through other people's lives.
let your adult son get on with his PRIVATE life. He'll introduce you to his girlfriend when he wants to.
Make sure he has a key so you don't need to change security arrangements around him.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 18-Feb-13 14:42:24

YABU. Chill your beans.

Horsemad Mon 18-Feb-13 23:26:22

When I first met DH I was at his house one evening and his mother called in and asked who he'd got in there! He was 29.

He wouldn't let her in the sitting room as he knew she was desperate to see who he was dating.
She practically bundled him out of the way -all 5' of her to his 6' so she could get into the room to see who it was!!

I should've learnt my lesson there and then grin

JessieMcJessie Tue 19-Feb-13 11:53:53

OP, please explain how your friend friended the gf on Facebook! Did your friend seriously just send her a random friend request that the gf accepted, or do they have some sort of mutual acquaintance?

My Mum complained that I had not introduced her the boyfriend that I had in my late 20s until the relationship was very serious. (I was far away from home by then). So I took the next one home much earlier and she proceeded to bend my ear about how he was not good enough for me and I should "nip it in the bud". I did break up with him, for different reasons than the ones she gave, but let me tell you I have never really forgiven her for expressing an opinion when I did not ask for one. OP, can you hold your tongue if you don't like her?

LimboLil Tue 19-Feb-13 12:08:35

Aw I feel a bit sorry for you too. You probably feel like he's been welcomed into the fold of the other family and you are left out. But it's probably not like that. I would leave it and chill out. Surely he has a key if he's 29 and lives at home. He could probably do with leaving home. Maybe he feels embarrassed that he hasn't? That might have something to do with it. Your friend sounds like she is trying to get one up on you tbh. Maybe you need a bit more going on in your own life to fill the time (like some new friends).

C4ro Tue 19-Feb-13 12:13:05

Although I'm generally vaguelly aware that most of my life experiences get churned over by my mum and her gaggle of witches cronies, I think it has to be a bit more subtley done than "hand over the pics and life biog of your current GF please DS, we're bored rigid and want to debate how long we think you'll manage to stay going out with her".

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