To expect the same amount of free time at the weekend as DH?

(57 Posts)
clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 19:29:48

I am so cheesed off that catching up with the housework seems to take up most of my weekend daylight hours, and yet DH has at least 6 hours each day for leisure. Evenings are different - my butt hits the sofa and that's that!

I'm not saying he does nothing because he does help out on Sunday morning but I will continue all the while he's out.

I really wish I could develop a strategy for keeping on top of things during the week and having hardly anything to do at the weekend, but again it's me doing it all. I work just beyond school hours, and when I get in of an evening I finally sit at around 6:30.

I'm sure there are others worse of, but I'm only referring to what I feel is the injustice within my own four walls.

FredFredGeorge Sun 17-Feb-13 19:33:24

What do you do that takes 16+ hours of housework?

I'd look at getting that down to a more sensible level, maybe downsize from the mansion?

ChestyLeRoux Sun 17-Feb-13 19:35:35

I agree that sounds like an abnormal amount of work

You should have the same amount of leisure time across the whole week.

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 19:37:40

Ha ha, I wish it was a mansion!! Now you've put it like that it sounds ridiculous. Maybe I do it all too slowly wink

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:38:13

You should get the same amount of free time overall, so YA probably NBU depending on how much free time you get in the week.

I agree that if you are doing housework from when school ends til 6.30 and all day at the weekend then you could probably be more efficient, unless you have 7 toddlers, 8 big dogs, and your DH is spending his free time throwing food at the walls.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 19:41:09

YANBU, based on the title. Now I'll read your OP.

redskyatnight Sun 17-Feb-13 19:41:20

DH and I both work full time. I would love to be able to sit down as early as 6.30.

During the week we put a load of washing in every night, hang it out to dry in the morning and fold and put away at night (everyone does their own).
After tea the kitchen and the dining room get cleared and surfaces wiped down.
The DC have to tidy the lounge.

At weekends we have an hour (and I mean strictly an hour at most as no one wants to do more) where we do cleaning - that's enough time to hoover and dust, clean the bathroom and mop floors). DC (9 and 7) do their own rooms and pitch in where necessary.

"Bigger" jobs such as cleaning the oven happen as and when.

I would not be spending hours each weekend cleaning.

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 19:42:12

Why is DH not sharing the household chores beyond 'helping' hmm on a Sunday?

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:43:07

he does help out so does he see housework as your jobs.

I am very anal about housework, I am doing housework til 9.30 most evenings, but free time should be equal. ( i just prefer cleaning in my free time)

DH does the bare minimum in this house, as it's pointless him doing more as i will go over everything again.

BlackMaryJanes Sun 17-Feb-13 19:44:27

What household chores do you do?

woopsidaisy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:44:41

Get a cleaner. Mine comes on Friday am. I tidy house from top to bottom Thursday pm- DH takes kids to cubs. DH helps with washing, ironing etc puts out bins, recycling etc on day to day basis. Weekends of for us catch up on sleep-I'm bf newest one- go to park, zoo, swimming etc. Then flop on sofa together in pm. Both DH and I would lose it if we had to do housework on weekends!
But free time should be shared. Does he not notice/care that you are doing housework?

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 19:44:54

Lol Trills I'm sure there are times when he has felt like throwing it against the wall but he just says no thanks now when I tell him what's on the menu! I only have 2 pre-teens, 1 dog, 2 cats and a goldfish, but in this weather the dog creates so much dirt!

SamSmalaidh Sun 17-Feb-13 19:45:08

If you and your DH are both finished by 6.30pm and there is still more to do then either you both need to do an extra hour in the evenings, or you both need to spend some extra time at the weekends doing stuff.

YANBU to expect exactly the same amount of leisure time!

I agree with everyone else though, what on earth are you doing?

zipzap Sun 17-Feb-13 19:45:40

Why not say 'whoopee time to stop house work feet up time for me now too' when your dh goes out next weekend (assuming it's for fun) and save the housework until he's there to help again?

Might take him a while to get used to the fact that the magic housework fairy isn't coming while he is out and you are wanting leisure time too - but if you're resolute about saving the work to share it with him then he should soon cotton on and see that you don't view housework as your favourite leisure activity as he previously wanted assumed.

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 19:50:34

What is it that he goes out to do while you are doing housework?

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 19:56:56

Okay, I'm going to think about what I do. Between 2 and 5 loads of washing and drying (I am trying do slip one in during the week), hoovering house, tidying all the bits and bobs away left lying around during the week, shopping, cleaning floors, cleaning bathroom. It all seems a bit general really!

forevergreek Sun 17-Feb-13 20:00:22

Get everyone to help.

Surely both pre teens can Hoover once a week each, one clean te bathroom once, one clean the kitchen once.

That leave you and dh to run the mop around, clean up as you go, and the odd dust. Washing done between you all ( get two baskets and everyone sorts dark and lights out themselves) then put in wash

Max 30 mons work a week for pre teens
Max 2 hrs each for adults

Jengnr Sun 17-Feb-13 20:00:28

Just don't do it.

forevergreek Sun 17-Feb-13 20:01:06

And do all shopping online so it can be don't with wine in hand

Yfronts Sun 17-Feb-13 20:01:38

Sit him down and make a plan. Make a rota of jobs/days.

Aim to both do half an hour weekday evenings finishing 7pm.

Aim to both do an hour and a half sat and sun.

SilverSky Sun 17-Feb-13 20:05:06

I put a load of washing on a day. Otherwise I would drown in it. Putting it away I'm not so hot on.

YANBU to expect the same amount of free time. There must be a way of dividing up the chores between you.

SamSmalaidh Sun 17-Feb-13 20:09:13

Get the laundry done in week (put a load on in the morning, take it out to hang up/dry when you get in from work, DH and DC can put away). Maybe take turns one person hoovering a room while the other clears the kitchen after dinner.

Then at the weekend you can all spend an hour - one person cleans bathroom, other person tidies/mops kitchen floor, children tidy and hoover their rooms.

Shopping - can you do an online order? Or one person goes shopping while the other stays at home and tidies the house?

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 20:23:08

Gosh, I couldn't possibly ask DH to help out during the week. His job is way more tiring and stressful than mine! hmm. Oh, and he doesn't clean like I do, only tidies IFSWIM!

HorizonFocus Sun 17-Feb-13 20:24:44

Clary If you want to be housework martyr, why are you posting?
You need to change your mindset from DH 'helping' to sharing the load.

SamSmalaidh Sun 17-Feb-13 20:28:54

What hours does he work, and what hours do you work? And who does childcare outside those hours?

Flisspaps Sun 17-Feb-13 20:33:37

So what if his job is more stressful or longer?

He still creates laundry.
He still needs feeding.
He still dirties cutlery and crockery.
He still helps to fill the bins.

He should be doing his share.

We had this conversation in my house last week.

bakingaddict Sun 17-Feb-13 20:34:06

Then stop whinging about housework. You either cut down on the amount you do and let DH pick up the slack even if it isn't up to your standard or accept that housework is your lot in life unless you get in a cleaner.

You cant have it both ways wanting DH to share and then excusing him by saying he doesn't do it properly. I have little sympathy really

SamSmalaidh Sun 17-Feb-13 20:36:23

Agree that if you don't want either of you to do more housework in the week then you'll have to continue wasting your weekends on it.

I've barely got in from work at 6:30. I finally sit down at about 8:30.

Callthemidlife Sun 17-Feb-13 20:41:38

You want house clean, you don't want him to do it, and then you complain because you have to do it? confused

Either you get in a cleaner, you get him to do stuff like shopping and laundry while you clean, or you hire a cleaner. I do not understand at all why you think this is a complex issue.

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 20:41:52

erm, there was a hmm in the OP's last post that I think some people have missed...

I asked where he goes at the weekends while you are doing all this. Wherever it is, he can call in at the supermarket on his way back and get what you need. That plus one midweek online shop should do it - that could be one of his jobs. Anything that gets forgotten from the online shop it's his task to pick up while out at the weekend.

Laundry - I would stop doing his if he is doing way less than his overall household task share. If you have asked him to put more effort in to make this fair (not completely clear if you have) and he is making excuses, the best motivator is going to be that he doesn't get stuff (done) that impacts on him, so no food he wants in house if he can't be bothered to shop, and none of his clothes will be clean if he can't be bothered to do a load or two of washing himself.

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 20:52:05

Sorry snazzy I don't want to say specifically what he does, but no, he isn't able to do shopping on the way home.

But actually, what you've said re. shopping and what others have said has made me realise that I am probably a control freak who has unachievable standards and I don't trust DH to do anything properly!

Are there cleaners that will come with pets in situ?

bakingaddict Sun 17-Feb-13 21:00:23

Err no I did get that....and I was prepared to have some sympathy till the OP went on to explain that her DH wouldn't do it properly anyway AND that is what formed the basis for my response

MrsKeithRichards Sun 17-Feb-13 21:05:22

A load a day, a little cleaning a day. That's it.

Zavi Sun 17-Feb-13 21:12:12

Just bear in mind clarycat that, right now, the status quo in your household is that the housework is your responsibility and your DH helps out.

There are cleaners who will do pets. They charge a bit more though.

Getting a cleaner in will not change the household chore "status quo" that exists in your house though.

I think that, as a minimum, you need to spell out to your DH that since you are both responsible for household chores, and he is reneaging on his, then he needs to pay for the cleaner so that he can delegate his share of the household chores to them.

If you don't do this now, by default, responsibility for the household chores will continue to be 100% yours.

Please, please do not complain in the future though about how little your DH does around the house unless to take steps to address this situation, which is of your own creation, now!

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 21:29:08

Thank you Zavi, spot on!

rodandtheemu Sun 17-Feb-13 21:33:51

clary im exactly the same! lol. If Dp tidys i have to go and 'finish off and do it properly. Some good points tho on here.

I get in about 7ish , him 8-9ish.so we are both too tired to be fussing about cleaning abt that time For me the rota would be out the window after 1 day so i think im going to get a cleaner and he can pay!

horizon i am a house work martyr lol im ashamed! Plan of action is being put in place!

clary let me know how you get on!

LadyWidmerpool Sun 17-Feb-13 21:37:04

I am trying to think why your husband can't get shopping on the way home. Is he David Cameron? I suppose you wouldn't say if he was.

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 21:41:31

I know i am a control freak regarding cleaning, so DH does the jobs that are impossible to 'fail'

so he does the dishwasher, the oven and the bins. I do everything else.

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 21:46:26

I'm enjoying the last threads, especially the empathy! Ladywidmerpool that made me LOL! If I was Mrs Cameron there would be a team of cleaners running round my house.

HorizonFocus Sun 17-Feb-13 21:48:08

Also, if you have a son, and don't want your future DIL to hate you, start modelling a better balance. Applies equally if you don't want your DD to be a housework doormat.

Snazzynewyear Sun 17-Feb-13 21:57:28

I think he's Vin Diesel's character in Fast & Furious. Hard to stop at Tesco Express with the law on your tail in your hot rod.

Seriously, OP, get him involved and bite your tongue a bit if when he does it wrong. He can't learn if he doesn't even try.

I think he's a LARPer and goes around dressed as a goblin.

As everybody has said, your household needs a change in mindset. Chores are everyone's responsibility, not just yours because you're a female.

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 22:27:05

Oh snazzy I am ROFL at the thought of DH aka Vin Diesel!

Your last sentence is spot on, and TBH that's why he doesn't cook anymore!

Pendipidy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:30:35

So, now i want to know what he does! What job can't you stop on the way home and pop in a shop ? I can't think of anyone but the prime minister, already covered, and high up royalty who presumably have cleaners...even famous people do shopping you know, so what on earth could it be?! Even if he works from home or gets the train home he could pop out and get shopping!

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 22:30:36

What's a LARPer?

Actually, you've just made me aware that I am following in my mother's footsteps. She was a martyr, dad was a lazy so and so (or so I was led to believe). She's always saying "don't do everything yourself" but I thought she was just talking about the big/heavy/decorating stuff. I am going to work hard on this.

Mumsyblouse Sun 17-Feb-13 22:35:06

Having got up at 6.30am to get the children ready before going to work, if someone suggested I just 'pop' to the shops at 7/8pm I'd tell them to do one! Some jobs are long and tiring and you do either need to outsource the cleaning, or get the person who works shorter hours to do more (and I do include childcare in this, so if you are doing childcare til 8 at night, that counts and you can't just pick up the slack) or lower your standards. I think spending an entire two days on housework on weekends is a bit sad really, perhaps that's just me but I'd rather have a messy house and chill out a bit.

clarycat Sun 17-Feb-13 22:36:49

Pendipidy I was asked what he does for leisure at the weekend and that's what I didn't want to reveal but it's nothing much it'll just open another can of worms. He does pop to the corner shop after work if necessary.

I'm loving imagining that we're royalty though!

EldritchCleavage Sun 17-Feb-13 23:10:04

I often suggest this on these threads: do chores together. You chat while you work, ask each other how you want stuff done etc. and have wine too. DH and I do this a lot, and it is generally better for good relations than one person lounging while the other grafts.

And while I work outside the home and DH is the full-time home parent, I do some chores evening and weekends (despite frequently working long hours). It can be done, if people want to do it. And no, it's not remotely nice. But it is better to be sharing equally than suffering repressed resentments.

I never understand parents who won't pull their weight because of demanding jobs: looking after children is also bloody demanding, and why wouldn't you help your spouse so they don't have to do childcare feeling exhausted, lonely and undermined?

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 23:19:20

I don't get the job excuss, if they wasn't in a relationship what the hell would they do.

forevergreek Mon 18-Feb-13 07:38:19

Can't he shop online during lunch break? Surely everyone can manage to click bread/ bananas etc whilst munching a sandwich!

Sorry but he just sounds darn lazy. We both work full time, both long hours, Both manage to get food on the table, play with kids etc etc. even our 3 year old can load the dishwasher and 18month old lays the table!

havingamadmoment Mon 18-Feb-13 07:42:53

If you want spare time just stop doing things...
Regardless of what your dh is soon just push the pile of crap off the couch ( or is that just my house?) sit down and put the tv on.
If the kids are fed and not too dirty then you can relax for a couple of hours without anyone dying surely.

bbface Mon 18-Feb-13 07:45:14

Many men have lower housework standards that women. Fact!

So it seems a bit controlling to demand that they eat into their free time to spend hours cleaning to bring the house to a standard that suits you.

You need to meet half way. You need to lower YoUr standards, and he needs to up HIS standards.

bbface Mon 18-Feb-13 07:46:33

And for those who say forget about the mess, as someone who likes a clean and tidy house, I appreciate that that solution is simply not going to work.

If you like things cleans and tidy, you can not relax if your house is a bit of a sh@thole.

ledkr Mon 18-Feb-13 08:04:58

We had a hilarious conversation at the weekend about how dh "just isn't as bothered by housework as you"
I told him that is because he doesn't need to cos I do.
I am currently enjoying a leisurely breakfast with the dc before work and school. It's lovely when you feel so relaxed about housework grin
His parents are coming today. There is nothing to eat or drink no clean bed and a dirty bathroom.
Gosh I feel relaxed grin <stretches>

HorizonFocus Mon 18-Feb-13 09:26:13

Good work ledkr Hope it gets him to open his eyes.

And yes, exactly, to whoever said that if he lived alone he's have to do some housework, job or not. XH and I used to both get home from work at 8pm, and leave before 8am the next morning. No children at that point, but we still had to get the laundry / washing up / shopping done.

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