To not let him change/bath baby

(59 Posts)
Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:27:27

Okay, mil has a relatively new partner, they have been together 18 months and are getting married in a few months. Dp and I have met him quite a few times but aren't too sure about him (there's a few reasons for this but would take forever). He's very over familiar yet we consider him pretty much a 'stranger' to our dd. mil was bathing ds and he was in bathroom too. The next night, dp and i left dd with mil for an hour while we had Chance for heart to heart sat in the car! we went Indoors abd her partner was Bathing dd alone. i just feel uncomfortable with this as they live quite Far away from Us and we Dont see them very Often so i dont feel we know Him well enough. There's nothing sinister here and I do not think anything badly of him but it doesn't feel 'right'.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:28:57

Ds not ds!

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:29:23

Argh! Dd!!

nellyjelly Sat 16-Feb-13 19:31:27

I wouldn't let him bath DD until you feel comfortable with him.

JaquelineHyde Sat 16-Feb-13 19:31:32

Your baby you decide but really imo you are being far too precious about this.

Males you don't know very well do not equal peadophiles.

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Feb-13 19:31:36

How old is your daughter? Is she at an age where privacy is becoming needed?

Has he got children/grandchildren of his own?

Are you uneasy because he's a man?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:34:50

She's 9 months old. He has no grandchildren of his own. It's not because he's a man, I just don't feel comfortable with him myself let alone with my dd. it might just be because I don't like him but it feels odd.

BambieO Sat 16-Feb-13 19:34:59

It depends if the 'reasons' involve something which makes your dd at risk potentially. If completely unrelated a bath can be a nice way for people to bond with baby. Ultimately though you should never do anything you are uncomfortable with in regards to your DC

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:35:21

My ds is 2 weeks and at the minute I wouldn't let my dm or mil bath him ne re mind a random man! I would be furious if someone put my ds in the bath without checking first, it is v v weird and highly inappropriate.

Tell him never to do this again, ever.

AbbyCat Sat 16-Feb-13 19:35:36

Yanbu. I feel awkward about anyone changing / bathing my dc apart from dh, my family and our nanny. I feel awkward even about mil changing them (she lives abroad and hardly sees them).

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:36:45

Just to check, did he just take your daughter to the bath? Definitely wasn't asked to?

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Feb-13 19:38:35

Ah, well if you are getting a vibe from him - out of curiosity - what don't you like about him?

How does DH feel - does he like his mothers new father? this man will becaome his step father at some point.

You run the risk of causing a major family upset unless you handle it with kid gloves. I cant think of any polite way of telling the chap you think it inappropriate to bath a baby without your MIL getting very offended or the man assuming you are accusing him of a being a potential paedo.

perhaps if you bath your own baby in future that would be the best solution?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:38:41

I don't feel as bad now, I thought I might be being a bit unreasonable. It's not that I think she's at risk but I just find him a bit over the top and over familiar. I do feel like he's a 'random' man too even though before dd was born, mil asked if he could be called grandpa and couldn't understand why we didn't tell her I was pregnant in front of him, the first time we met him!!

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Feb-13 19:39:18

oops - should read does he like his mothers new chap?

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:41:30

Tbh I wouldn't give a toss about offending him! If he doesn't see that he is inappropriate then that's too bad!

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:42:09

Hollyberrybush, I was planning to bath her myself but he took it upon himself to do it while mil was on phone. As I said, I really don't think anything sinister but something about him just puts me on edge. Things moving very fast between him and mil and she's really forcing the 'happy families' situation. Dp doesn't like him either, he clings on to mil and she had a suspicious black eye last year which we aren't 100% sure about.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:44:43

From what you have posted here alarm bells are ringing and I would not leave my dd alone with him. I'm not saying there is anything to worry about but you must trust your gut instinct.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 19:44:47

It is super weird and inappropriate for this man you barely know to be taking your baby off and giving her baths.

ChristmasJubilee Sat 16-Feb-13 19:47:09

Go with your instincts I find mine are not often wrong.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:50:20

Thanks everyone, I just needed a bit of reassurance. Think he's perfectly innocent and trying to fit in with mils ideal grandparents situation but I'm just not ready for him to be so 'close' just yet. Now, how to bring it up! Will just have to say no, or let dp say no to his darling mother!

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 16-Feb-13 19:51:29

I don't think I would bath the child of someone I'd known for only a year without asking them first or waiting to be asked.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:54:37

That's what I thought the doctrines, I also can't believe mil didn't stop him.

Bubblegum78 Sat 16-Feb-13 19:54:47

If you don't like it, don't do it!

I wouldn't let a stranger male or female bath my kids, nothing crazy about that?

countrykitten Sat 16-Feb-13 19:57:37

You are def in the right here. If it feels weird, it probably is weird.

GloriaPritchett Sat 16-Feb-13 19:58:23

Think he's perfectly innocent and trying to fit in with mils ideal grandparents situation but I'm just not ready for him to be so 'close' just yet.

That's all you need to say to your MIL. YANBU.

YANBU. Trust your instincts, if you feel uncomfortable and something feels off then it probably is. I have the same problem with my mum's partner, even though she's been with him 17 years. I've posted about him a few times on here, and the consensus has been to trust my instincts. My dds are 9 and 6 now, but I've felt uncomfortable having him around them since my eldest was a baby. My dds never sleep over at my mum's house and she never babysits them at her house either only at our's. It's something that distresses her and she doesn't understand why, but I just keep saying no. Stick to your guns, she's your baby and you must do what feels right to protect her.

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 19:58:33

YANBU at all. It is very inappropriate of him to be rushing in and giving your dd baths so eagerly, mot mn would be uncomfortable in doing this to an unfamiliar child.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:58:37

You need to say to him directly and you mil so there is no room for confusion. Don't apologise or explain; don't try to justify what you are saying.

MIL's partner, on x day you bathed our dd, please don't do this again. Dh and I will bathe her when she needs it. Few seconds of eye contact, nice warm smile and then ask who would like a cup of tea!

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 19:59:52

I meant meant men would be uncomfortable doingths roan unfamiliar child

lovesmileandlaugh Sat 16-Feb-13 20:03:26

My Dad, who spends a lot of time with my DD's would never just have bathed them. If they'd been sick, or horrendously messed themselves, he would if he'd HAD to. But no, I think most men realise there is a boundary there (whether we agree with it or not!)

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:04:17

He is a random man...why would you want him bathing her? Most people would understand this without having to tell them

why did he take it upon himself to take her for a bath??

Haggisfish Sat 16-Feb-13 20:04:27

YANBU not to want him to do it alone - fair enough bathing with MIL or you, but not alone. They should be sensitive enough to realise this.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:05:29

We would never let her stay over there, we left her for an hour because we just needed to talk a few things over in private and it was easier to leave her playing happily. I just don't trust them not to go totally against our routines and get her out of bed to play etc. they cannot handle the fact that she's not a cuddly baby and constantly try to smother her. Mil always tells me 'she wants.....'! Yep, that's right, you know my baby better than I do! It's the face that he didn't ask that gets me and hopefully we will never be in that situation again.

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:07:14

The same as lovesmilelaugh my dds are as happy to be with my dad as they are to be with me...some times they will seek him when they are hurt/upset instead of me. He wouldnt bath them unless he really had to.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 20:07:39

What age is your daughter?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:09:47

Do you know what lovesmileandlaugh, I don't think my dad would bath her or change her nappy. My dad would also not ask me why I've stopped breast feeding or ask me why I've only made one cup of tea 5 days after a horrendous birth. Mil told me they were visiting his daughter who lives an hour away so they were driving to hospital to see me when dd was fresh out-I was on day 3 of labour and not yet in hospital. Why would she think it would be acceptable or appropriate to bring him to see me in labour/just after. I had already told my own parents I didn't want anyone at hospital. He (and she) seems to have no concept of boundaries.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:10:43

Pinkflipflop, she's 9 months.

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:12:25

i think your dp needs to be having words with his mum about boundaries?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:12:58

Debbylovesdallas, I know this hasn't been going on very long but I see myself in your situation. I can't imagine ever being comfortable with him.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:13:38

Upupdown, that's a whole different thread! Men and their mothers!

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 16-Feb-13 20:14:28

I wouldn't be fussed on any man other than my husband bathing my girls. I know logically that seems extreme but it just makes me uncomfortable.

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Feb-13 20:15:03

I wouldn't want someone I barely knew bathing my DS, regardless of what 'relation' they were. I'll be honest and admit that it wasn't until DS was over a year I left his grandmother - exPs mum - bath him alone, simply because I didn't know her very well, and it took me that length of time to feel completely confident that she could take care of DS. I'd happily leave him alone with her for the entire day now.

CremeEggThief Sat 16-Feb-13 20:16:59

Trust your instincts, OP.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 20:17:23

So you were at your MIL's house for 1 hour and the partner decided to bath your dd? Was she even in need of a bath? It's even more weird that it wasn't in your house. If you don't mind me saying, why couldn't you and your dh talk or have a heart to heart in your own house? Now I'm not saying that his weird and inappropriate behaviour is your fault at all; just this highlights that you need to watch your dd very carefully when this man is around. As you say, he has no concept of boundaries.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:23:56

Pinkflipflop, we were visiting dps family and staying with his dad. We were visiting mil for the day and dp had pile of post at hers which we needed to discuss quickly and privately (she's opened his post in the past) we were going back to his dads for dinner, bath and bed for dd.
she did not need a bath, it was too early and they knew very well that we would be doing bedtime routine at fils. Think they may have just wanted some involvement but we don't stay there because she refuses to change cot mattress from 30 year old one despite dp explaining that dd can't sleep on this. We usually get the train which is why this has been issue in the past, we've only just got car and didn't have time to sort mattress before we went and tbh I don't want to stay there put of principle now anyway! Hope this makes it a bit clearer.

Smudging Sat 16-Feb-13 20:31:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NomNomDePlumPudding Sat 16-Feb-13 20:32:48

bathed off his own bat for no apparent reason. sorry, i would have a massive problem with this, to the extent that i wouldn't leave her in their care even for an hour anymore. and i wouldn't care who called it an overreaction. there is no need to bathe a child to bond with her, so i can't think of a good reason why it was done.

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 20:36:54

He sound very strange and overfamiliar. Dh needs to be having words with them. If you are still not comfortable don't leave dd alone with them. Trust your gut

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:26

This has made me realise I'm not being unreasonable just because its inappropriate. I do think in his warped way he was trying to bond with her and think he's basically a bit of an idiot. Think we just need to tell the pair of them, this is how we do it, we are her parents, like it or lump it. I don't want to upset anyone but this has just added to the list of reasons why I will not leave her with them. They literally didn't even need to disturb her, she was playing nicely and I assumed they would just interact with her, just have fun. Surely that's best way to bond and make her comfortable!

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 16-Feb-13 20:44:14

I am an extremely relaxed parent and anybody I knew could have bathed DS when he was a baby and still now at 3 years but none of my family or friends would have just done it without asking.

Your post has sent shivers down my spine. I would have flipped at him just doing that and I think you should trust your instincts particularly as he did it without a real need for your daughter to have a bath.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 20:51:54

"Males you don't know very well do not equal peadophiles."


Some males do "equal paedophile".

And the ones who take babies off for baths they don't need at the first opportunity are showing signs that they might "equal paedophile".

BrianButterfield Sat 16-Feb-13 20:57:10

I agree that's odd. The only person other than me and DH who would bathe DS without expressly being told to would be my DM and only if really needed. Surely the norm is for people to be very reluctant to bathe random children, relations or not!

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:59:13

I am pretty relaxed generally but around him I'm not, I just don't like him. We were really cross that he had bathed her and I didn't understand why as she would have to go back into clothes that she had on all day even though she was clean! We just said, oh she didn't need a bath because we were both pretty shocked that he'd taken it upon himself to do it. I know I don't know him very well but even though I find him very odd, it hasn't set alarm bells ringing because I genuinely just think he's an idiot, however, it will not be happening again as dd will NEVER be left with them again. Thanks for all replies.

ChewinTheFat Sat 16-Feb-13 21:03:16

Yanbu. My mums partner makes me uneasy. He kept going on about my 3 dc's staying for a sleepover. No frigging chance, don't know 1 thing about him. It has affected my relationship with my mum. I can't stand the guy, he's a liar and a cheat with an alcohol problem and handy with his fists, my gut reaction was right. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could through him. Follow your instincts.

ChewinTheFat Sat 16-Feb-13 21:04:10


PurpleBlossom Sat 16-Feb-13 21:09:13

That is very strange OP.

What man would take a child not related to them and that they barely know off for a unneeded bath?!

It's not normal behaviour. You need to protect your DD from this man.

soimpressed Sat 16-Feb-13 21:18:30

I would never bath a child/ baby without asking a parents permission. I really think you have to go with your instincts in these situations.

Sashapineapple Sat 16-Feb-13 21:28:45

YANBU. I wouldn't let a stranger bath my DD.
Actually nobody but me or DH baths/changes nappies of DS & DD. I see no reason for anyone else to do it (sahm).

RainbowsFriend Sat 16-Feb-13 21:40:25

YANBU and I would find that behaviour markedly strange and suspicious. And yes, I would wonder whether he is "grooming" your MIL for access to grandchildren.

Some men (and some women) are indeed paedophiles.

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