To begrudge DH.

(35 Posts)
Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:22:20

Well I'm a SAHM, do all aspects of housework. What does he do..... Work, go to the gym and sleep. There's no input with the family life at home. DS is now at the age where he is asking for DH to do things with him but DHis always tired or wants to go the gym. He isn't involved in any way at home, apart from his clothes in the wardrobe, you wouldnt think there was a man in the house. I feel like a single parent. Part of me wishes i can leave the house and just have to answer to myself but I have DS to entertain. AIBU?

Tee2072 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:25:34

Say 'here's DS. Bye'.

And leave for the day.

YANBU.

Have you tried to tell him how you feel? What does he say if you ask him to help?

Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:27:23

Well whilst having PND a few years back I did Tee

Tee2072 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:28:11

Do it again.

Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:28:36

Wanna be- he says what do I expect. He says is he not entitled to any rest?? I dont think he realises but the spotless house/ laundry/ cooking/ shopping doesn't happen itself

Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:29:52

Oh, did I forget to mention,his one liner is often. " you don't realise how lucky you are!"

Tee2072 Sat 16-Feb-13 12:31:21

So say back 'well, am I not entitled to any rest? What do you think I do all day? Sit on my ass and watch soaps? No. I keep this house in order and deserve a rest also.'

Or stop doing it for him and just take care of you and your child.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 12:31:39

"What do I expect? I expect that I get as much free time as you do. You go to the gym three nights a week; I want to go out three nights a week to pursue my hobby. Glad we cleared that up. Here's DS".

maddening Sat 16-Feb-13 12:31:43

Well he can rest for some of the weekend and so can you - you need to tag team - he is not working as a team with you - he needs to address it - it either needs full frank discussion or bringing to a head another way else it will continue.

Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:33:05

Well I didn't make his breakfast today and he was Very huffy about it. Well I'm not making his dinner either, I'm taking Ds out. I always make him 4 meals a day. Two of which he takes to work, well I can't becassed anymore. We eat very different to him, he's very into his fitness and I have to cook protein based super healthy meals which Ds and I don't eat

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 16-Feb-13 12:33:05

Date I ask but otherwise how is your relationship? Is this the issue thats bugging or is it Highlighting more?

Well he sounds lovely.

You need to point out everything you do. Every single thing.

Then you need to tell him you are going out for the day on a sat and leave him with DS. Let him see how hard it is and the state the house is in after.

Do you have access to money ok or is that his?

Yes to stopping cooking for him. If he insists on eating different to you then he should cook it himself. You arent running a restaurant.

jojane Sat 16-Feb-13 12:39:49

What's a typical day in your house?
Here's ours - DH get up first, will give kids breakfast if any of them get up, he goes to work just as I am getting up, I get kids ready and take to school, I then spend day with 2 year old ds2 so toddler groups, shopping, cleaning, preparing tea, park, meeting friends, playing etc. pick up kids, various after school activities, cook tea ad DH comes home at 6pm so we all eat together. DH then baths kids while I clean up kitchen and lounge. Kids then watch a bit of tv then one of us (normally DH) puts e to ed with a story. We then normally watch tv together and bed. Weekends DH spends with us. We do day trips out etc or he entertains kid while I get on with some sorting or deep cleaning or baking etc. I work fri ad sat night so he looks after kids but its only really putting to bed like normal anyway.

I do the majority of the cleaning, all the washing, deal with all the kids stuff and school etc. I do most of the cooking. We share childcare when we are both here. Even though I am responsible for most of the Jose and child stuff I feel we have a fair arrangement. I wouldn't expect DH to come home from work and clean the bathroom but I would expect him to play with kids or throw the Hoover around.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 12:42:37

I tend to find that the men who tell their SAH wives that they're lucky, are the same men who would literally die before taking on that role themselves.

Dollyboo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:45:18

I think we r becoming a burden on DH. The only full day DH gets of in summer, he spends it playing sports with his friends. There goes our one family day out. Ds is 5 now and I'm already dreading planning things myself during summer holidays.

MrsMushroom Sat 16-Feb-13 12:47:07

Do you not have a family holiday?

Rowanhart Sat 16-Feb-13 12:49:36

Dolly, you get my first ever "leave the bastard."

What do you get out of this relationship?

diddl Sat 16-Feb-13 12:52:09

Make breakfast for an adult??

Good grief!!

Have to cook different meals?-sorry, I don´t understand that!

You´re not a skivvy-you´re looking after the child that I assume you both wanted-and doing whatever else that allows time for!

My husband´s "me" time was often the commute home-if the children wanted him when he got in-well that was that-they got him!(unless he already had plans, of course.)

It was probably only a couple of hrs before bedtime anyway-compared to the 12 I´d already had!

edam Sat 16-Feb-13 12:55:11

He sounds utterly selfish. Horrible to ds as well as you. You need to have a serious think about whether you'd actually be better off without him.

41notTrendy Sat 16-Feb-13 12:55:52

Our set up is like jojane's. I'm not a sahm, but work part-time. I've increased my hours recently, and DH has stepped up and we split household stuff more 50/50 now. We are a team. And both enjoy life. Yanbu. He is.

Sugarice Sat 16-Feb-13 12:56:32

God, how charmless in inconsiderate he is Dolly hmm.

When is the last time you did something as a family?

And as for him telling you how lucky you are shock words fail me!

He sounds twattish to me.

You and your ds deserve far far better.

Sidge Sat 16-Feb-13 12:59:09

That's not much of a marriage - you're more like his mum. Does he think he lives in the Hilton or something?

Does he really think a partnership involves treating your wife like a skivvy and just doing what the hell you like? Was it always like this?

Softlysoftly Sat 16-Feb-13 12:59:40

Why does he only get 1 day off is he self employed? Otherwise I think you'll find no holidays is illegal.

Just stop doing it for 2 days. When ds goes to school you go to the gym/shopping/go read a book whatever.
Get ds you a pizza at home time.

Do no cleaning, no cooking, no washing nothing. Then when he gets huffy say "well I deserve a rest".

Then kick him out he sounds horrible.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Feb-13 12:59:52

Oh yes, you're soo lucky, how ungrateful of you to not acknowledge he's enabling you to feel good about yourself by knowing you're taking such good care of him hahahahaha grin

Start upping the times you tell him to go fuck himself say no, anything you do for him should be because you've chosen to do it, not because it's expected of you.

You're not his personal chef! He sounds worse than the fussiest toddler to cater for.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 16-Feb-13 13:03:32

Where is your rest? Have you asked him that?

He says you are lucky? In which way exactly are you lucky? You have a husband who spends his evening in the gym, ignores his child and won't do any housework. And expects you to cook different meals for him? If he's so obsessed with his diet, let him get on with it.

Why on earth do you make him breakfast? Can he not make his own? What happened to his arms?

He is very much living separately to you, except that he still expects you to cook and clean for him.

You are his wife, not his maid. He sounds like a selfish idiot.

Losingexcessweight Sat 16-Feb-13 13:09:30

My husband is similar in my ways, but he doesnt spend his free time on hobbies, he spends it making his business more powerful. He works 7 days aweek 8-9 hours a day.

In the meantime i do everything with dd whos 4 months old.

He tells me that im very lucky too.

If i suggest a day off, he tries to guilt trop me by saying how much money we would lose if he has one day off!

I feel like a single mum, but without the money worries.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 13:18:55

It's an easy test, losing:

Are you living the life you dreamed of?

if no: you are not very lucky.

Is he living the life he dreamed of:

If yes, as I suspect (he is rich and powerful and spends all his time at work, knowing that there's a wife at home easing his life along and ensuring clean clothing/cooked meals), then HE is very lucky.

Losingexcessweight Sat 16-Feb-13 13:28:06

Financially im living the life i dreamed off.
Materialistic im living the life i dreamed off

Emotionally its a lonely life,

Money doesnt buy happiness, it helps massively.

But if you have money, a nice home, but are lonely, are married, but you would never of known if it wasnt for my wedding ring, then money is not worth that.

motherinferior Sat 16-Feb-13 13:28:59

He sounds horrible. And very boring.

Losingexcessweight, I suggest you point your DH in the direction of all the research into the health risks of working those hours non-stop. No point in earning all that money if the pay-off is a heart attack.

Losingexcessweight Sat 16-Feb-13 13:32:24

I ve told him hes heading for an early grave!!

Whoknowswhocares Sat 16-Feb-13 13:36:30

FGS stop enabling this pathetic man!

He wants breakfast, he can find the damn kitchen. He wants a 'special' meal, let alone FOUR every day, then he can do it himself. Clean clothes, well I'd probably do the work stuff and minimum casual stuff as he is out working.......but the gym stuff? Forget it!

But that is the unimportant quite frankly. He doesn't bother to spend time with you and even worse, his own child?????? One day off a year, which he can't even be arsed to give over to family life

In a nutshell, yes yabu. But not for the reason you asked. Yabu to put up with this excuse for a husband and father. For yourself and for your son. I don't necessarily mean leave him, just stand up for yourself and put it right. If he won't, then it sadly means you have no family life to save and then what's the point?

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Sat 16-Feb-13 13:48:24

Just stop. Simple as.

Do the absolute minimum. Cook for yourself and for DS, but nothing else. Don't clear up. Don't do a single bloody thing for that selfish twat of a man. Do literally NOTHING for him. No washing,. no cooking, no cleaning, no polishing, no nothing. And if he thinks he can get you to do it by stropping then he can think again.

What a wanker.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 16-Feb-13 13:53:29

Stopping cooking etc for him wont solve things,mhe could simply play tit for tat and stop paying for things given hes the only earner.

Whilst being a SAHM to a school aged child you could be expected to do the bulk of the household stuff you should get some free time to and he should be far more involved with his child.

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