to be v annoyed with DH for not cleaning up after himself?

(71 Posts)
glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 10:14:04

I have resigned myself to not relying on him to do any meaningful housework. So I just get on with it myself, and occasionally ask him to do a small task (fill dishwasher) or something I can't manage since I'm 7 months pg, huge and been ill most of my pregnancy.

All I ask him, and expect him to do is tidy up AFTER himself, and one of my bugbears, is that when he makes his sandwiches in the morning, he chops up tomato and doesn't wipe down the chopping board afterwards.
The tomato seeds and juice then dries, by the time I get up I'm cleaning up after him. I've told him a million times before, and he'll do it once or twice then after that forgets.

Another major bugbear is he'll take his socks off in the living room after work, and leave them on the floor.

This morning was the last straw! I am totally pissed off. I sent him a picture of the tomato mess and told him the chopping board is going in the bin.

His socks, I'm pushing underneath the sofa from now on until he runs out of socks and finds them gathering dust under there.

He had a day off yesterday, and I started the housework but couldn't finish as I was going to work. I asked him to hoover and wipe the kitchen tops down. He did the kitchen but not the hoovering. This morning, as he's been in the kitchen, you would never think it was even cleaned. He just leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes.

He did in his defence, tidy up his soldering equipment into a box in the living room (still bits of metal and wire on the floor), after he spent yesterday evening making electrical components on the sofa. I told him before work today, make sure his stuff is tidied away before he goes. So he did do that.
I don't even like him doing that kind of stuff in the living room, he has his own studio he can go to that's much more suitable.

Oh yes, and while I'm on the subject of being pissed off with my dh; we have two bathrooms, one up and one down. We ran out of toilet roll, so he buys a big multipack yesterday, and puts it (still in sainsbury's carrier bag) in the downstairs toilet on the floor. Not even in the cupboard away where it is usually kept that is right next to where he placed it, and didn't replace the toilet roll upstairs either. He opened it to use a roll, and left the rest in the bag on the floor.
I didn't even bother saying anything, just put it away myself.

...

Feel a bit better for getting all that off my chest now! xxx

boxoftricks Sat 16-Feb-13 10:17:09

.....AND BREATHE
Stop clearing up after him! You are about to have a child together. Sit down, have a rational conversation about how overloaded you feel and that he needs to pull his weight a bit more.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 10:24:21

YANBU to be pissed off with him. I have similar (but less extreme issues) with my dp. Love your bin the chipping board & shove the socks under the sofa ideas. I've come to terms with the fact that different people have different levels of tidiness and figure that I can either spend the rest of my life moaning at him, tidy up for him, or leave it & hope he one day reaches his mess tolerance level. Think you might get a few LTBs but IMO there's worse things that can be wrong with a dp.

CharlandOscar Sat 16-Feb-13 10:24:58

i know how you feel. YRNBU. but how on earth do you get them to tidy up after themselves?! anyone got the secret?

i once heard advice that you should be vrry direct and say 'would you..(insert chore here)..please' and not explain why, or whine when asking. dont use 'could you' either

but it still doesn't make dh pick his clothes off the floor or wash the dishes.

DialsMavis Sat 16-Feb-13 10:28:51

Why do you not feel that you deserve a partner that sees you as an equal rather than a skivvy?

LeftMeInSuspenders Sat 16-Feb-13 10:29:03

I'm afraid I have no advice but, of course, YANBU and I have every sympathy as I have an identical DH!

bleedingheart Sat 16-Feb-13 10:34:56

YANBU to be angry but YABU to keep facilitating his uselessness.

I had a DH who did more than his share of the housework and then we had children and that DH disappeared.
I was bemused and resentful for a long time and chatting about it only resulted in improvements for a day or two.

Now I do what CharlandOscar mentioned; I say 'Would you put the washing away please? or 'Can you cook tonight thanks?' 'Will you wash up and clean the surfaces?' etc.
He's not perfect and I still resent having to ask but it's better than doing all of it on my own and huffing and puffing about it.
It's just good manners to clean a chopping board after you've used it. Everytime he leaves it dirty he is effectively saying you should clean up after him and that kind of thing leads to so much resentment even though it seems petty at the time.
My biggest row with DH is caused by him leaving his clothes near but not in the basket. I tried to explain to him that every time he does that I feel he is saying 'It doesn't matter, she will pick them up' and that makes me feel like his servant. He says that's not his intention but that is how it feels.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 10:41:42

My dps worst habit is putting clothes in the floor, not in the wash bin. But my solution is to only wash things that are in the wash bin. It's enough that I will sort through the washing & put it in the machine. I'm not going to go round collecting his clothes off the floor as well.

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 10:47:24

Thank you ladies.
I know it is petty of me to get annoyed but its not as if I'm OCD it's just reasonable to not want to be treated like this!
I have sat him down and said its all too much for me, I've asked nicely, I've nagged,, I've called him over to his mess and shown him and got him to tidy up (I really feel like I'm treating him like a child when I do that), he'll do it once or twice then forgets after that.

Also when we have days off together I will say to him, before he gets started on his plans for the day we can have an hour together to do housework. He does this but he bends the rules slightly, I'll get on with hoovering etc and he'll do the dishwasher but not wipe down all the tops, leaves the sink with bits of food in it, and leave the bins unemptied.

If I happen to leave my breakfast things out one morning, which happens on occasion (it's usually still there for me to put away later!) he'll bring that up if I'm asking him to try harder with keeping things tidy.

I feel like his mother!

I will talk to him again but I am pessimistic. Xxx

YANBU. My DH is the same (including leaving tools all over the living room). I'm trying to explain that in 23.5 weeks time we will have a baby and he will HAVE to be more tidy or risk DC so may as well get in the habit now.
He does ALL the odd-jobs, bins, gardening, most of the dog walks and c50% of the cooking etc etc so he does pull his weight but the clothes on the floor drives me CRAZY. especially as we have a dog who was socks and pants so it's costs us about £20 every 3 months to replace stuff. I can't leave his stuff on the floor for that very reason...hmm
So, no advice, sorry but YANBU and our man-children need to man up...

The dog eats sock and pants. If the dog ^was socks and pants then he'd just be a puppet wink

LadyWidmerpool Sat 16-Feb-13 10:57:00

It will only get worse with a baby. Lots of good advice on here. Perhaps you could have a discussion about your respective standards. Either he thinks housework isn't important and needs to think about how that will change when you have a baby, or he does think it's important. If he does then he needs to justify why his pregnant wife should be doing so much more than her share.

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 10:59:28

Why do people like child-men? It baffles me. I know it's not helpful, but didn't you notice this before you got into an adult relationship with them?

<aware-this-is-an-irritating- thing-to-say emoticon>

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 10:59:44

It's not petty op, he's being a manchild, and while ear you continue to clear up after him, he will let you.

You have to stop doing it. Clean up after yourself, wash your clothes etc, leave home to do his own. God only knows you're going to have enough to do when DC arrives. Will he change then or will he expect you to clean up after him and the baby?

Put your foot down while you can, and bloody well mean it.

Grrrr.

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 11:00:28

While ever*

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 11:01:03

Leave him, not home oh FGS bloody autocorrect.....

doublecakeplease Sat 16-Feb-13 11:01:50

Maybe he needs to do more but maybe you need to lower your standards or learn to live with some things? I assume it's his house too - he should have some say in how it's lived in - maybe he likes to have some untidiness around. You need to find a happy medium. You refer to him bending the rules - if they are your rules then they need to be discussed.

I wonder if your husband is called Jim?

diddl Sat 16-Feb-13 11:05:15

No he doesn´t forget-he just cba/doesn´t see why he should/knows that you´ll do it.

Don´t throw the chopping board away-leave it for him to keep using the manky git

What did he do before you lived together? live with mummy?

Euphemia Sat 16-Feb-13 11:09:11

The dog eats sock and pants. If the dog was socks and pants then he'd just be a puppet.

grin

GiveMeSomeSpace Sat 16-Feb-13 11:10:10

glossy - Sorry to be blunt, but you do realise you are facilitating his bad behaviour by cleaning up after him and doing everything for him.

He sounds selsfish, and by the sounds of things, that's what you think of him. You need to tell him calmly what you think of him. I can almost guarantee you this will get worse after you have your baby, because the workoad and stress will increase ten fold.

The more you clean up after him, the more you are de-skilling him. You have to accept that you will both have different tolerances to tidyness and that you probably both need to talk about these differences so that you can agree what works for you both. If you are too rigid, he will just think, "what's the point, she'll clear up after me."

Frankly, if he can't be bothered to pick up his socks from the living room floor, you've got some big gaps to overcome.

Good luck smile

I do the telling not asking thing, I also do the majority of the laundry, if it's not in the basket (and that includes dumped on the lid) it doesn't get washed. If sleeves are left pulled inside out I don't straighten them - he asked if the tumble drier was working yesterday because his clothes were still a bit damp and crumpled so I told him that was because they were put in the basket with the sleeves all pulled in on themselves. I have decided that I am not his mum and won't tidy up after him, there is a corner in the kitchen where all his stuff gets piled till he puts it away. It is definitely working, slowly but surely.

Still haven't solved the doing the washing up but not wiping the bowl and sink or cleaning the sponge, failing to wipe table, counters and cooker though.

BookWormery Sat 16-Feb-13 11:14:39

What everyone else has said - stop treating him like a child.

If I was you I'd leave him. I couldn't put up with this for ever, which is what you will have to do.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 11:17:56

It's not petty and it will get worse.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 11:18:57

I don't think anyone thinks you're being petty glossyflower - it sounds like there's quite a few of us out there with similar problems & no one has a magic solution. If you do find one, please come back & let us know so we can all pinch it!

BookWormery Sat 16-Feb-13 11:25:51

Women who have partners like this who keep putting up with it: do you think your sons will turn out as equally useless?

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 11:31:23

Well we have only been married for 5 months lol.

When I first met him he did live with his parents, his room was small so it was hard to keep tidy. Then he moved in with another man, sharing not as in gay lol, and he looked after himself quite nicely there.
When we first moved in together he was not so lazy, but it seems as times gone on he's worse.
He has a paid job but he's also working from home with his own business, although its too early to be productive.

Yes I know I have been facilitating his behaviour, even though I tell him all the time I still eventually tidy up after him because I just don't like living in a mess. I feel that by compromising in a sense that I don't expect him to do any housework should be enough, I only want him to tidy up after himself.

He's never been a manually practical person, I do all the gardening, most of the housework, washing, I do minor DIY or ask my parents to help out.
I have a leaking gutter that I got hold of a ladder to fix myself, but can't now because I'm pregnant so will wait til after baby is born. To ask him doesn't even cross my mind because he's useless at that stuff!
We have two large dogs, who will only get walked if I ask him to come with me.

The only thing he does do is cook and most of the food shopping.

I might add, when he needs work clothes he's happy to put his clothes in the washer and drier but leaves the rest of the laundry sitting there if it doesn't all fit in!

Halfling Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:40

Just ask him and ask him and ask him all the time - Please put the washing away, please clean the sink, please refill the loo rolls - unrelenting and unemotional. No wailing, no nagging and no asking for explanations.

This worked with my DH who was brought up as a man-child by my very proud MIL who was aghast once when I asked DH to change my DS's nappy.

A few years in, there is not much I can complain about. He has his own set of housekeeping chores which have now become drilled into a routine.

He has high threshold of tolerating mess and I do accept that, but that doesn't mean that he can shy away from making our house a clean and safe home for our family.

Don't give up hope!

diddl Sat 16-Feb-13 11:34:33

He´s got it made, hasn´t he!

BillyBollyDandy Sat 16-Feb-13 11:42:30

I have a DH like this.

Ultimately you just have different standards of what is acceptable mess. Mine is much lower than DH's.

He isn't a man child he is just messier than me. And while I have been known to scream put the fucking knife in the dishwasher you fuckwit whilst a little cross, I would much rather it this way round than living with someone who thought I was untidy.

When he lived on his own it was a hovel untidy but he was quite happy. He is always clean and presentable and lovely and sweet and... he just doesn't understand crumbs need to be wiped away.

I tell him what I want him to do. He does it. It works for us.
Be specific when asking would be my tip.

BillyBollyDandy Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:02

Okay, just read your last post. That is him completely taking himself out of the equation when it comes to anything he doesn't fancy doing. That is unfair and will need a complete attitude change.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 11:46:29

He's never been manually practical but usues soldering equipment? (In your living room - sounds dangerous and really will be when you have a baby putting every little thing it finds on the floor in its mouth).

Housework and washing require practice, not skill. Stop making ridiculous excuses for him.

Frankly, if you carry on like his, being the put-upon wife-servant you will bring up lazy boys who no snesible woman will want and girls who are either similarly put-upon themselves, as they know no better or, more likely, choose not to marry a man, as they see marriage as demeaning and life-limiting. Sorry to be harsh but think it through.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 11:48:48

He is just an untidy person. There isn't a solution. I am untidy sometimes and don't clear up after myself. And get told off by DH. blush

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 11:53:43

Jesus wept woman!!

Do not resign yourself to doing all the housework - he lives there as well and it will cause resentment. You are also saying 'I am your skivvy - feel free to treat me that way'.

You don't honestly think that everytime he leaves that tomato covered board there he's not giving it a second thought? Of course he is, but what he's thinking is 'I can't be arsed, she'll clean it up, of course she'll moan - but so what <shrug>. This will ruin your marriage if you don't stop it NOW.

I would say to him 'We are both adults, we both live in this house. It needs to be tidy and clean enough for us both, and a baby, to live in. I will not spend the next 60 years doing it or nagging about it & picking up after you. You have two choices - do your share willingly and without being asked/directed - or move back to your Mothers. They are the only two options'. and mean it.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 11:55:18

Vivienne - there is a solution, but you aren't going to like it grin Grow the fuck up and stop expecting others to pick up after you!!

cathpip Sat 16-Feb-13 11:55:20

Is your dh related to mine? We don't have the tomato problem but the breadcrumbs wiped into sink and then NOT rinsed away. ARRGGHHHHH. smile

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 12:00:49

And they say we don't need feminism any more.......

ukatlast Sat 16-Feb-13 12:01:05

I would advise you to get him involved from the get-go in the duller tasks of looking after a baby. I had my OH who is v untidy willingly changing baby's nappy as soon as he walked through the door after a long day at work because he wanted to interact with his child as much as possible. That will be easier to bring about than him giving a toss about untidiness. Good luck.

catladycourtney1 Sat 16-Feb-13 13:25:41

I think what you should do depends on how much it bothers you, and to what degree your DH is just taking the piss (rather than just being generally untidy). Obviously it does upset you, since you've posted on this, and if he managed to clean up after himself when he was house-sharing or when he needs something then, to me, that sounds like he just can't be arsed and knows you'll sort things.

I have a similar problem with my DP. He'll help out if I ask him to do something specific, but he'd never look around and think, "oh it needs hoovering/bed needs changing/pots need putting away" etc. And he leaves his dirty clothes lying around and food wrappers and dirty pots piled up next to wherever he's been say playing bloody computer games when he's not at work. He'll get up and do what I ask, although I do wonder whether it's just because I'm heavily pregnant (we've only lived together properly for about a month, so until then when he wasn't here I was doing everything myself anyway). He doesn't expect me to clean up after him though, he genuinely doesn't notice the mess. When he lived on his own his flat was bloody minging, and he thought nothing of inviting his family and friends over. I have to blitz everything just for the gas man! I don't feel terribly put-upon, I just remind myself that he's been up for work since 5.30 and I don't really start my day until about 11! But I do wonder how much help he's going to be when the baby comes, and whether he's going to need telling when to change her nappy and stuff.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 13:34:48

Oh dear MyHead. I can just hear my Mum saying that is you told isn't it. grin You're right. Being tidy is such a huge effort for some people if they weren't brought up to clean up after themselves. I do see that things need doing but I just don't do them often enough.

sooperdooper Sat 16-Feb-13 13:38:43

I feel your pain, my DH is the same, I know I shouldn't keep tidying up after him but I seem to have fallen into a routine of doing it

I point out to him constantly that he needs to put his clothes in the wash basket, not the floor, and only today I've retrieved x3 dirty cups and a half drank carton of milk shake from the spare room he's just left there gathering mould and filth

He just doesn't seem to 'see' mess in the same way I do, he'll happily sit in the livingroom surrounded by crap and do nothing about it unless I ask him to - to be fair he will then hoover etc but he doesn't do any cleaning off his own back

He does cook and put washing on, it's when things need cleaning he just doesn't seem to clock it, drives me mad

Chottie Sat 16-Feb-13 13:41:14

OP I hear you smile My DH does not replace toilet rolls, he has never done it in nearly 40 years of marriage. Believe me, I have tried everything. Now I just accept it is a part of him which is unchangeable.

I focus on his positives, he is kind, caring, would do anything for me and the DC (he always cleans dog poo off everyone's shoes smile) he cooks, does DIY, decorating, gardens and has worked full time supporting us all. When he refitted our kitchen he moved the boiler 4 inches so I could get a tumble drier in the kitchen. So I let the loo rolls go......

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 13:44:42

Poor men. All these things they can't do because their penises get in the way. It must be SOOOO inconvenient for them! Bit of an evolutionary error. Or is it because the big penis sort of balances them when they are throwing spears at sabre toothed tigers?

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 13:52:22

This guy is a selfish wanker.

Imagine being an adult man and leaving all the domestic tasks to your pregnant wife.

What a fucking embarrassing failure he is at life.

It's shameful.

When this baby is born, being treated as this chump's skivvy is going to look a lot less appealing.

I hear divorce bells.

drivingmisspotty Sat 16-Feb-13 14:01:27

The thing that mystifies me is the lack of shame. If I was doing something that consistently peed my partner off I would want to change. I love him and I want him to respect me not resent me. And don't these DP/Hs think about how their behaviour chips away at a relationship?

Bottom line - surely picking up your socks is a really easy and simple way to guarantee more sex?

Sorry unhelpful, OP.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:07:12

"If I was doing something that consistently peed my partner off I would want to change."

Only if you accepted that what you were doing was wrong.

If you thought you were fully entitled to behave in the way that pissed him off, you wouldn't stop it.

In fact you would feel resentful at his nagging about something he had no right to complain about.

If you let your working wife do 100% of the housework, you don't think you should have to pick up your own socks.

You think she should do it.

And you think she'll get the idea eventually.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:11:38

glossy whatever you do, don't stop working.

You really do not want to be financially dependent on a man who treats you this badly when you are both working and there are no children.

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 14:13:20

All your comments are overwhelmingly voting in favour of not being unreasonable. I agree maybe I need to change the way I look at things and to approach this in a different way to how I have been.
He's proven he CAN do things when he wants to, like someone else said about their partner he just doesn't think.
He does have his good points too, I'm not going to divorce him over this but I doubt I can change his patterns of behaviour.
I will sit down with him and tell him that at times I do feel like a doormat and now that we are having our first baby things have to change.
I tell you if my baby is a boy there's no way I will bring him up to be lazy and reliant on a woman to tidy up after him. Boy or girl they will learn to be completely self sufficient by the time they leave home.

BTW some people have mentioned washing left on the floor not in the basket...my trick for this is I simply fold it all back up and return it to the wardrobe. He hasn't noticed he's been wearing clothes, pants, socks that haven't been washed yet!

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 14:19:18

athinginyourlife you have a very good point there.

After experiences with my ex boyfriend I always promised myself I'd be financially self sufficient. I am now the main earner. In fact when DH and I discussed future child care plans he suggested that he give up work to be a house husband whilst I continue full time earning.
That could work if it weren't for the fact he doesn't do much around the house now, so him being at home with the baby all day would possibly be another excuse to sit around doing bare minimum!
I told him no.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:19:43

"I tell you if my baby is a boy there's no way I will bring him up to be lazy and reliant on a woman to tidy up after him."

Not if this twat is living in your house treating you as a second-class citizen.

Nothing you try to teach them will counteract a daily lesson in make privilege and female compliance.

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 14:44:52

You haven't got a hope of bringing up a hoy to behave differently if his main male role model treats you like this. You will end up waiting on your son hand and foot too.

ratbagcatbag Sat 16-Feb-13 15:03:47

I agree that people have different levels of messy, me and DH are equally bad, but at different things, so I will make a sandwich and leave stuff lying around, so DH reminds me put it away, I see muck on the carpets which he doesn't, however if I ask him to Hoover he will. We just let different stuff bother us, I do try now and tidy up and just ask DH to do something as he happily does it.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and have now decided I don't like cleaning at all and DH isn't great at it. We're now getting a cleaner in once a week when I go back to work full time to solve the bigger stuff.

feralgirl Sat 16-Feb-13 15:04:04

I read a similar rant on MN a while ago where a woman had just started putting all her DH's dirty laundry and dishes into his car grin

For my own part, my major bugbear is that DH never puts away his clean laundry. It builds up into a massive pile until his drawers are empty and everything he owns is on our bedroom floor with me nagging daily. What I have taken to doing is just jamming it as hard as I can into his drawers, all unfolded and messed up. Then he can't get it out or find anything that he wants. My response to this is invariably "if you don't like how I put your clothes away then do it yourself."

DH was an atrocious manchild and my MiL did everything for him (he'd never used a washing machine until we moved away from our home town. For the first year of us living together but in the same town as MiL, she used to come and collect his dirty laundry every Friday and then bring it back clean and ironed on Sunday shock).

He has got better very very slowly and now works PT and stays at home with the DCs while I work FT so he has to be in charge of cleaning and cooking. Still, I give the house a proper clean every six weeks when I'm off school though as we have very different ideas of what constitutes "clean".

My DH was like this when we first met, I stopped doing everything that was his mess, if clothes were not put in the basket they didn't get washed, I only cleaned up my mess and washed up my plates and cups, petty? Yes but it worked, he's not perfect at all but he does clean up after he's made a sandwich, puts all his dirty clothes in he basket and he does all the cooking (he finishes work before me)and clears up after himself, he does the food shopping and on Sundays we spend a few hours deep cleaning. I'm his wife not his mum or his skivvy.

glossyflower Sun 17-Feb-13 14:53:50

Ok, here's what happened.

After he got home from work, I never mentioned anything until later on in the evening.
I said we need to talk about household chores etc. He looked at me quite blankly.

I went on to say, that I expect him to clean up after himself and when we do the housework we share responsibility.
He went on to point out that I myself had just made myself some pudding, and left the container on the side and the ice cream out of the freezer - why did I not tidy it away after serving myself food?
Well as I explained to him that was an occasion that I did leave my mess out, but only because a) I realised I had just put my pudding in the microwave in a foil container - I felt very lucky that it didn't explode! And b) I had got the ice cream out but realised that the freezer door hadn't been shut properly and everything including my ice cream was defrosted! So I was a bit preoccupied with thinking, "all I want to do is sit down and eat my pudding!" lol.

He didn't apologise for not trying harder or promise he will try harder so I am going to do what someone else suggested:- with no strops, no emotion, no huffing and puffing doing things myself, when I want him to do something, I will TELL him not ASK to do something with a please. I will be relentless until hopefully he'll get into a routine and eventually do it without asking.
I think that's my best chance.

In the mean time, socks are still being hidden under the sofa when they are left out, dirty clothes folded and put away if they are not in the basket, and things will be thrown in the bin if he doesn't keep it tidy.

glossyflower Sun 17-Feb-13 14:55:15

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot

Is your name Gemma, you sound just like her lol.

Euphemia Sun 17-Feb-13 15:04:24

I think you're going to have to employ the stuck record technique, because he just doesn't see the problem at all, does he? The fact that his first instinct was to attack you for not clearing up after yourself is not a good sign!

Does he know about the socks?

BookWormery Sun 17-Feb-13 15:06:31

Keep it up OP!! Do FUCK ALL for him from now on, scrote that he is.

I'm confused he didn't apologise or promise to do better!

BookWormery Sun 17-Feb-13 15:07:49

Here's an idea - every time you see a piece of clothing on the floor, cut some of it off. So a leg off a trouser, an arm off a top... Maybe save that for phase two

FlouncingMintyy Sun 17-Feb-13 15:14:33

To be fair, if he does all the cooking and food shopping then that is quite a large contribution to household tasks.

If someone has cooked for me, I tend to assume it is my job to tidy up and do dishwasher.

Re. rest of housework - it should only take say 4 hours per week. Tell him you will both do 1 hour on a Saturday morning and 1 hour on a Sunday morning and stick to it.

If you don't mind doing the laundry then only do that which is put in the laundry basket, get him a separate basket for his clean washing and put it all in there, unfolded, unironed etc.

diddl Sun 17-Feb-13 15:54:56

But it seems to me that OP is only asking him to clean/tidy up after himself.

It should go without saying tbh!

I don´t go out to work & have two teens.

My husband does the weekly shop & always cooks once, if not twice at the weekend.

I don´t think that absolves him of needing to put dirty clothes in the washbox, dirty pots in the kitchen, any rubbish of his in the bin, clean sink/bath/toilet if necessary after use!

choccyp1g Sun 17-Feb-13 15:55:10

He completely missed the point about the ice-cream. The thing is, you weren't expecting him to clean it up, you knew full well that yyou would sort it later.
As for doing it all on Saturday and Sunday, that's fine for the actual cleaning, but why should OP have to live with 4 pairs of dirty socks on the floor by Friday morning? And a chopping board covered with 5 morning's worth of tomatoes and crumbs?

diddl Sun 17-Feb-13 16:05:10

Oh, & I don´t mind washing up after my husband has cooked-but I don´t expect to have to scrape stuff off a chopping board or throw peelings away that have been left on the surface!

wineandroses Sun 17-Feb-13 16:43:49

Op, I don't really get the socks under the sofa, and the unwashed clothes back into the wardrobe. You might be deriving some sort of silent enjoyment from this - but he doesn't even know about it, so what's the point?

Sorry, but the fact that he immediately turned the conversation around to your shortcomings is a big red flag - he knows he isn't pulling his weight but has no intention of changing. What a twat. And I don't think I could cope with the stuck record approach, it would seriously depress me and badly affect our relationship. Though his willingness to see you as his skivvy must be pretty depressing already. Wonder if he realises how this will ultimately wear away at your feelings for him?

chroniclackofimagination Mon 18-Feb-13 01:04:26

We were like this in reverse, when we began living together I was 23 and really untidy, seven years on I'm tidier than him so people do change habits. I was just a bit immature and lazy and didn't really think about the impact that might have on him. I grew into caring about my home and our living space.

That aside, one short term solution is to get a cleaner and have him pay for it out of his personal spending rather than treating it as a joint bill. This saved us several thousand arguments and it was worth it to me.

Interesting (and depressing) that his response to your conversation was to turn it around to you. A clear example of 'the best form of defence is attack'. He knows he's in the wrong, but he has no intention of pulling his weight. Totally disrespectful of you, he really is treating you like a skivvy, not an equal. I's so glad you are finacially independent, be sure to keep it this way. sad

Tenacity Mon 18-Feb-13 02:13:26

His reaction is unbelievable. shock
You got problems on your hands...
Time for a serious talk. You have to nip it in bud.

MidnightMasquerader Mon 18-Feb-13 06:59:18

Gosh, good luck. You're going to need it.

This is all going to get so much worse when the baby comes.

Oh, and the kicker? Your libido is going to nose-dive into freefall before too long. With a baby to look after, and man-child to skivvy to, forget about sex.

You do realise it's virtually impossible to fancy and, you know, actually like someone who treats you like a maid, right?

Adversecamber Mon 18-Feb-13 10:00:39

I hate his response, I am livid on your behalf. Stop doing anything for him. I do love the socks under the sofa. My DS always takes his socks off in the sitting room, half the time he needs to be reminded to put them in his laundry Basket. He does it though and he is a child.

Socks under sofa I get.

As for folding up the dirty clothes and putting them back into the cupboard...I think that is a bit passive aggressive. I would leave them / put them in a back bin liner. He will run out eventually....whereas he probably won't notice that the folded clothes are dirty.

seeker Mon 18-Feb-13 10:42:03

"In the mean time, socks are still being hidden under the sofa when they are left out, dirty clothes folded and put away if they are not in the basket, and things will be thrown in the bin if he doesn't keep it tidy."

Frankly, I think this is ridiculous, and juvenile. And will get you nowhere. Decide, between you if possible, unilaterally if not, what you are prepared to do, and do it. Having first told him that's what's happening. And stick to it.

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