Aibu to not want to go to wedding when I know the bride isn't being exactly faithful

(45 Posts)
mawi Thu 14-Feb-13 03:45:10

We are invited to a wedding and I don't want to go. The wedding is in Spain, is going to cost a fortune to go to and we are not exactly flush.

The bride has cheated 3 times in the last 8 months that I know about so I don't think I should be paying out to go to a wedding that I think shouldn't be happening in the first place.

I have says to her about cheating and she denies it but it happened in front of me in nightclub. I am debating with myself whether to tell the groom but they have a family and I don't want to be blamed for tearing their family apart.

I have told her that I don't think they should be getting married & yet I am still invited. Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I am not going because it is a sham in my eyes, all for show & nothing to actually so with the sanctity of marriage?

Teapot13 Thu 14-Feb-13 04:00:33

Personally I wouldn't get involved or make any more commentary to the bride. I think you're probably right, that the marriage sounds like a bad idea, but it isn't really anyone else's business besides the bride and groom.

Definitely don't go if you feel uncomfortable. The financial side of things gives you a perfect excuse. Just get them a nice card and wish them well. It sounds like you aren't the best of friends anyway? Who knows -- maybe it'll be a happy marriage and you'll be glad you didn't say anything. If not -- not your problem!

whiteflame Thu 14-Feb-13 05:05:18

I wouldn't go because of the financial side of things. I would tell them why, and then wish them all the best.

But I wouldn't get involved in the possible cheating side of things, unless the brother was (e.g.) my brother. Other people's relationships are their business, and theirs alone.

Nombrechanger Thu 14-Feb-13 05:18:36

See, this is what pisses me off.
If your other half was a cheating scumbag wouldn't YOU want to know?!?
This poor bloke is entering into a marriage with a person who doesn't respect him one bit and he is none the wiser.

We just mind our own business. Great.

OP, I wouldn't go and I would be tempted to make an anonymous phone all to the poor guy telling him he is about to marry a cheating whorebag.

HollyBerryBush Thu 14-Feb-13 06:28:32

Other peoples relationships are their business. As said before, you dont sound like you like her much and I doubt your reasons for stirring telling would be completely altruistic.

Brideandgloom Thu 14-Feb-13 06:37:50

Yabu. From your op you saw her once in a night club misbehaving. Am presuming it was a drunken snog not full on sexual intercourse.

You do sound like you dislike her. Most people have done stupid things after too much alchohol at some point. Keep your beak out.

If you dont want to go then don't. But don't use it as a vehicle to wreak havoc in other people's lives because you dislike her.

Rhiannon86 Thu 14-Feb-13 07:18:44

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BigAudioDynamite Thu 14-Feb-13 07:22:38

Maybe he does know, nombre?

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:05

You have other reasons for not going. Use these to excuse yourself from attending.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:20

Just say you cannot attend. Not sure if it is your place to tell the groom to be unless he is the closer friend? Surely he has an inkling as to how she is?!

RubyGates Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:27

Just decline the invitation.
The bride should be expecting some people to decline because they have chosen a foreign location.

It's not your job to predict how sucessful a a marriage is going to be.

I wouldn't go, don't need to say why though. Telling the groom would depend on how well I knew him I think.

Quite astounded at the number of posters who think this behaviour is okay??!! If my husband was tongue wrestling with girls in anightclub, I would be heartbroken and betrayed. No such fucking thing as levels of betrayal.

Anyway, back to point - I wouldn't go. Just send a card declining politely. But leave the state of their relationship alone - it's her conscience under trial here, not yours.

fluckered Thu 14-Feb-13 09:04:58

Rhiannon86 is "copping off" acceptable and not seen as faithful?

i would be inclined to say mind your own business but on the other hand this poor guy deserves to know! surely your not the only one to have seen her behave like this.

fluckered Thu 14-Feb-13 09:05:26

meant unfaithful obviously

Rhiannon86 Thu 14-Feb-13 09:09:43

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expatinscotland Thu 14-Feb-13 09:11:24

I wouldn't go because I don't go to weddings abroad that cost a bomb.

Johnnysknickers Thu 14-Feb-13 09:13:19

I went to several weddings when I was younger where one or other of the parties had cheated (more than just a kiss too). All three are still together and seemingly happy now so I think people get through these things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 14-Feb-13 09:17:39

You could just say you can't afford to attend but wish them all the luck in the world.

I am debating with myself whether to tell the groom but they have a family and I don't want to be blamed for tearing their family apart.

Out of interest, take away the fact that this is in Spain. If this wedding were taking place where the participants lived 20 miles up the road, would you tell?

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Feb-13 09:21:51

I would just say you can't afford it and not go. Other than that, I'd say nothing to the groom unless he is a lot closer to you than the bride.

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Feb-13 09:22:24

(sorry, to make that clear, I'd say nothing unless you are closer to the groom than you are to the bride, not suggesting the groom is closer to you than his future wife!)

fromparistoberlin Thu 14-Feb-13 09:26:29


just dont go, but I wuld be say be prepared to lose her as a friend if you dont go, IYSWIM?

and IO would err against NOT saying anything, just say you cant afford it

bowerbird Thu 14-Feb-13 10:36:27

Mawi, the "sanctity" of anyone's marriage isn't actually for you to judge. As other posters have pointed out, you don't sound as if you like this woman at all, and are using this situation to feel morally superior. Is it possible that the bride is trying to "get it out of her system" before committing to marriage?

Even if she's a complete slut, it's none of your business.

If money's tight, then why even consider going? Just politely decline, wish them well. Who knows, they may surprise you and have a long and happy marriage. Stranger things have happened.

yaimee Thu 14-Feb-13 10:42:40

phoenix of course there are levels of betrayal, I would be raging if dp had a drunken snog, if he spent months having a physical and emotional relationship with another woman I would be heartbroken (and probably sick).
I know both are betrayal but they're definitely different!

Floggingmolly Thu 14-Feb-13 10:53:00

I wouldn't go. If she's that reluctant to commit it won't last the year anyway.

Crinkle77 Thu 14-Feb-13 10:59:25

How do you know the bride? Is she a good friend? I would be inclined not to go especially as you will have to fork out a fortune for a wedding which by the sounds of it prob won't last anyway

Greensleeves Thu 14-Feb-13 10:59:49

well I wouldn't go

but I wouldn't be bollocking on about the 'sanctity of marriage' either

it all sounds like a tawdry waste of money to me

egdeh Thu 14-Feb-13 11:02:27

Not on the same level of cheating by the sounds of it, but I had a friend who was planning her wedding & buying house with her fiance. We all thought he was lovely then, just before Exchange on house and about 2 months before wedding she got an anonymous letter basically saying he was living a double life, had another girlfriend etc. Turns out was true, one if his friends wrote the letter as he couldn't let her get married not knowing. Broke her heart but she was so glad to know and I know she is grateful to the friend who told her.

It's hardly a rare occurence for someone about to get married to have a last bit of fun before they get tied down

If my dh had had the view that this was in any way reasonable, from justifying infidelity to thinking when you get married you are 'tired down' there is no way in hell I would have married him.

keely79 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:07:28

Don't go. The point of having guests at a wedding is that they are there to support and witness the marriage - if you don't support it (justifiably IMO) then you shouldn't be there. Whether or not you tell the groom is a different matter - is there someone close to him (like a sibling or cousin or something) that you could discuss this with?

Bogeyface Thu 14-Feb-13 11:08:59

One drunken snog where you wake up and think "OMG! What did I do?!" and make sure you never do it again is one thing. 3 times in 8 months is not on and I wouldnt want to marry someone who did that.

I would be inclined to let him know, and would not be going to the wedding.

I wouldn't go to the wedding unless the groom was a close friend/ relative, in which case I would be telling him about her behaviour.

jellyboatsandpirates Thu 14-Feb-13 11:23:19

Really interesting to see what kind of responses a WOMAN gets cheating on here.
Three times in the last 8 months, and has been seen by the OP drunk and copping off with a bloke in a nightclub.
Loads of responses ranging from:
"Keep your beak out, it's none of your business."
"It's hardly a rare occurrence for someone to have fun before they get tied down"
"Not the same level of cheating, is it?"

Reverse the roles and you had an OP who was female and saying she was about to marry someone who was doing what this OP's friend had been doing.
Would the responses have been the same? hmm
Nope, it would be more like an unanimous chorus of "LTB!"
Cheating's cheating, regardless of which party's doing it, no?!

FriendlyLadybird Thu 14-Feb-13 11:25:07

I wouldn't go but I probably wouldn't say anything to the groom.

Not that I condone the bride's behaviour but people are complex creatures. The groom may already suspect but has decided not to 'know'. They may have decided to get married as an arrangement. She may stop snogging other people once the ring is on her finger...

jellyboats I couldn't agree with you more, am thoroughly disgusted with the responses of people here. Not all of them obviously, but seriously am astounded!! If it were a man doing this I bet you'd all be up in arms, flaming the bastard and quite rightly.

I agree that one drunk snog followed by plenty of remorse, although betrayal, would be forgivable - mistakes happen. But the behaviour put to us by OP is that this is repeated snogs, so presumably no remorse?? It is in nature the same as an affair in the respect that there is no guilt or shame in the action, and it has been repeated, with total disregard for the fact that they are supposed to be faithful to someone they are claiming to love!!

I guess I must have a very naive view of what love is... This world depresses me!!!

MrsKeithRichards Thu 14-Feb-13 11:49:15

Don't be depressed phoenix, I'd be saying the scoop regardless. Not your place to say. You don't know what's going on with them. Decline invite.

girlywhirly Thu 14-Feb-13 13:39:01

When people are invited to a wedding, they are not obliged to attend, and they are also not obliged to provide an excuse or reason for refusing the invitation. So you can just send a 'Thank you for your invitation sorry we will not be able to attend' card now, and send a congatulations card near to the wedding date. There is no need to justify yourself to the bride and groom, regardless of why you don't want to attend.

whiteflame Fri 15-Feb-13 05:11:06

I never understood the view that someone about to get married is about to get "tied down". A hundred years ago perhaps. Today, by the time they get to that stage, they are already well and truly tied down!!

StuntGirl Fri 15-Feb-13 08:46:39

I would not go, I wouldn't give a reason. She will probably work it out herself anyway.

mmmuffins Fri 15-Feb-13 09:07:41

I wouldn't go. Feel free to tell her why, but if she is definitely going through with it, you can encourage her to take her vows seriously and be faithful to her husband, particularly for the sake of her children.

If they already have children, then I wouldn't tell the groom. Perhaps the bride can still get her act together.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Fri 15-Feb-13 09:11:21

jellyboats I have seen the 'keep your beak out' response on here regardless of who is doing the cheating. Agree with you on the rest though.

The OP says the bride has cheated 3 times that she knows about so it could well have been more. As for being tied down hmm if marriage to someone is that bad then don't marry them.

Mawi on the information you have given I'd say decline the invitation and cite cost as a reason if you wish to give one.

PurpleStorm Sat 16-Feb-13 15:30:50

I wouldn't go. But I'd tell her that the reason was the cost if I needed to justify not going.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 16-Feb-13 16:15:09

I wouldn't go. Cheating makes a complete mockery of the marriage vows and i wouldn't want to spend time and money watching somebody do that.

As for telling the groom, I would not tell him unless he was my brother/close friend, in which case I would be prepared to take the fallout. People tend to shoot the messenger, so you have to decide whether you are invested enough in his welfare to take the flak.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 16:25:08

The perspective bride actually had sex in front of you at a nightclub?

To some people that would be the only thing they class as cheating, it is not your place to decide for your self what this couple personally define as cheating not impose your definition of it on them.

By all means don't go, but if you decide to tell then you need to work out a few things,

1. Why did you not say anything the first time?
2. Why have you chosen to leave it until now?
3. Why is it anything to do with you?
4. What drama will occur if you do.
5. Will anybody thank you?

Unless she has caught a sti as a result of cheating and the groom is unaware of the sti then cheating is not a lawful impediment to marriage so you have no duty to declare your knowledge

mrsbunnylove Sat 16-Feb-13 16:31:03

don't go. bearing in mind you don't wish them any happiness together, attending the wedding would be a travesty.

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