Mumsnet Talk

Me and H recently separated over many issues, this is a minor one.

He had his ex wifes date of birth as his PIN. So every time I borrowed his bank card for whatever reason (we have joint accounts) I had to type in her date of birth. He had it on his cards when they were together, then when he split up with her, then got with me, he still had it, then he set it up on our new joint accounts.

We were together six years, and he has only just changed it, as part of his campaign to get me back. He clearly thinks I am being silly to be offended by it.

So, AIBU to be offended and annoyed, especially as I repeatedly asked him to change it and he refused?

It's just a number, I can't see that it matters. Did you suffer with jealousy on other ways?

I use a reference to my Ex-H as a password. because no one would ever guess it. DH is pissed off about it but it is easy to remember and hard to guess. I should change it...

Yes, YABU.

I first had to set a PIN when I was 15. I set it as the birthday of my best friend; a boy, on whom I had a crush. It's stayed my PIN ever since, 20 years on, because it's just numbers now. It's a PITA to come up with and memorise a new PIN.

'Course, I don't know why he even bothered telling you it was his ex-wife's DOB.

Oh give over. I have the name of my ex husband as a test question on my Internet banking. If he's always had that PIN, he won't want to have to learn another one.

We have had joint accounts for 15 years, I've never had to borrow my husband's card. Why would you need to do that regularly? Just because they're joint accounts doesn't make the actual card or PIN communal property; I think of all my PINs and passwords as very much my own, and I bet your ex does as well.

I think YA a bit U here. My PIN is a memorable number from the past. I use it precisely because it is memorable. Not because I have any emotional attachment to it. DP's PIN is a phone number he had way back when he lived with a particular girlfriend. It has never occurred to me to be bothered about this. Much better that he can remember the number than it would be to have the card eaten!

Well, yeah, I had to deal with him crying over splitting up with her for the first two years of the relationship, and her friends sending me threatening messages online (we are talking about 40 odd year old women sending messages to a pregnant and ill 21 year old) as they didn't believe that I could have got pregnant that quickly and so we must have been having an affair while he was with her. (I got pregnant on pretty much our first time together on what was meant to be a rebound fling for us both, so close to the breakup, but not actual cheating - it really wasn't meant to become a relationship) They also told me I shouldn't show my face or belly out in public anywhere his ex could be and basically gave me enough of a complex that I ended up seriously ill.

I put up with all this, because I was made to feel that he was "doing the right thing" by staying with me and that I should be grateful. But for ages I felt like he was stuck with me as a consequence of a bad decision. I know everything about her, even though I try to forget, because he would tell me - eg I was playing "you are my sunshine" on piano and he would sigh and say "oh, I used to sing that to my ex when she was scared, just cuddle up to her and sing into her ear"

He got better and stopped mentioning her at all, but that PIN was still there.

I don't see a problem. Wrongly I use the same pin for all my accounts/burglar alarms, etc. Yes its just a number but if I had to change it it would be a pita.

When I type it in I don't think that its the first four letters of my childhood telephone number - its just my pin.

OK, maybe I am BU then. I have a mixture of old house numbers on one, an old phone number on another and a school thing on another. The only time I have heard of people having a date of birth it has been of their child or such.

It isn't about the PIN, it is about him being so bone crushingly insensitive as to constantly reference his ex while he was with you. He cried over her for the first two years? I am sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me.

How is he now? And what do you get out of the relationship?

See, I do - when I remember one PIN I think "old house, blue house" etc. Maybe I have a weird memory. Even the randomly generated passwords I use, I can remember which site they came from and have an image in my head to remember then with.

I get two kids and nothing else now - we separated. I think I'm just unpicking it all now in my head.

Were you happy with him for a while?

And do you want him back?

I've just been thinking of my old PINs. For example, I had a blue card from Halifax from the age of 15 to 22, and the PIN was my childhood phone number, which was also the code for the gold combination lock on my dads black pretendy leather briefcase.

Maybe I am weird!

I think you have plenty to complain about! But not the PIN, really. Honestly, how often have you changed your PINs once they're set? I have never done so.

That said, the man sounds like a bit of a cock. My sympathies.

Only a teeny bit U. My DPs exW is on the family tree, as is entirely reasonably. The bloody thing is now in the downstairs loo, I see her name with the annotation "1st", above my name, which is also spelt incorrectly every friggin time I pee. <fume>
But I'm keeping my gob shut.

God, I can barely remember my current PINs, never mind historic ones.

I was happy, we had some really happy times. But we had some awful times too, and there was no way of knowing when they would be. He is a very angry man, he drinks too much, but more importantly he is really self obsessed. He would go off to the pub and lie about it, because he didn't want to be stressed around me and the kids as he might lose his temper. Which he would tell me when he turned up home drunk after I had fed, bathed and put to bed two small children, while I had a mental illness and very painful joints that made me limp. None of what I was doing mattered though, because in his head the fact that he did the washing up and cooked tea for me when he got back made him an amazing husband.

sounds like the PIN number is really the very least of your worries, and the fact that he is now an ex is something you should be celebrating!

Gosh, took so long typing I missed the back story! YANBU, he doesn't sound very nice (understatement). If he can't understand why it might be an issue I'm afraid I'd consider it to be a pretty big thing.

I have a lisp, which I got badly bullied about at school. He thinks it hilarious to say the name of one of my favourite bands with a lisp. I asked him to stop it and he got grumpy, saying it was nothing to do with me, it is just funny because they are a really pathetic, nerdy and weak band and so lisping sounds right. He couldn't see that that is exactly why people used to think it hilarious to mock my speech.

I think you need to address the bigger issues than the pin. Tbh if doesn't pound like much of a catch. Take your chance and run.

Definitely get rid. Its not healthy to surround yourself and your children. with a man like this.

That's it - it isn't so much the PIN in itself, it is the fact that I asked him to change it and he refused.

By the way, this is a man who is a mastermind winner. He can do the remembering of random facts very well, so it isn't a memory thing. It is a "being an insensitive arse" thing.

This is helping me, btw. I keep getting really sad and thinking the good times (and there were some amazing times, really) were worth the undercurrent of arse and occasional eruptions of utter twat.

We have been separated officially for just over a week.

I still love him :-( but I can see that, if I saw my DD being treated like this when she was older I would be livid, so I need to stop showing her that it is acceptable.

I agree. If your dd is seeing this type of behaviour from him then she will accept it for herself. Do you have a counselor?

Even the most destructive and abusive relationships can have "amazing times", although when you think back and really look at it, they were only amazing because the rest of it was so fucking shite... (voice of experience here).

Totally agree squeaky.

He appears to have told his mum that I just upped and left with no warning as well. We've been on "one last chance" for a couple of years, and in the summer I said I was giving it till Christmas. At Christmas I told him I was really really unhappy, and then on 4th Feb I actually left him. Obviously, in that time we had good times, but the good memories all come with "yeah, but then x happened" attached.

So tempted to reply to his mothers email about her being in shock. She is so nice, but I suppose he is her little boy and she is allowed to take whatever he says at face value.

He does really seem to be making changes now though. I'm not believing him till he has kept it up for a few months, I've seen too many big grand apologies that turn back into twattishness.

He is an arse. A emotionally abusive arse. Good for you for showing him the door.

It's just keeping up the anger really. I really do love him, I don't want to be apart from him. If only he would stop acting like such a twat, we could all be happy :-(

Does any of this sound familiar? If you recognise your relationship in this, please think very carefully about your future with this man.

Initial Infatuation Period

He is extremely attentive, phones, emails or texts constantly

He gets serious fast. Talks about the love of his life, or moving in together.

He is jealous – which might flatter you at first. ‘It is only because I love you so much’

In this period, he will bring flowers and gifts, treat you like a ‘princess’, be loving and caring. You might feel uneasy about the speed of the relationship but don’t want to rock the boat because he is so different from the guys who want to play the field.


First Doubts

He blames others eg for his failed marriage or relationship. ‘My ex is a real bitch, I am so glad that I have found you’.

He tries to change you. Your hair, make up, clothes. In a subtle way, eg. by bringing you presents very different to the clothes you would normally wear.

He tries to stop you seeing your friends. ‘I just want to be with you, I want to spend time with you’.

He doesn’t take notice of your feelings, ‘Don’t be silly…’

In this period, you might have moments of misgiving, but then he backs off and is the loving attentive man you first fell for.


Sewing The Seeds of Self-Doubt

He puts you down, at first when you are alone but later in front of others, often disguised as a joke.

He makes comments about your appearance, making you feel less attractive.

His digs are subtle, and when you call him on them, he is offended and upset that you ‘didn’t get his joke’.

He insults your friends, and tries to stop you seeing them.

He is moody and unpredictable, but blames his bad moods on you so you start adapting your behaviour to keep him happy.

He accuses you of being unfaithful, or of flirting with other men.

He ignores you, if you do something that displeases him, and ‘rewards’ you with his attention and affection when he is pleased with you.

By now, you are already doubting yourself, and beginning to refer to him for minor and major decision making.



Escalation of Abuse

He stops you doing what you want, or seeing who you want.

He isolates you financially, making you dependent on him.

He blames you for anything that goes wrong.

He becomes more abusive, both verbally and physically

He becomes upset if you talk of leaving him, and threatens to do himself harm


By this point, you are cowed. You are frightened and isolated. You barely say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Not saying that is him, but the mocking of your speech impediment was a big massive red flag for me. And his anger. His playing down of issues that bothered you.

Britta, seriously? He sounds just awful! Don't give him another chance and don't get back with him! You and your kids deserve better.

Yeah. That is pretty much him.

Where is it from?

YANBU to think that I personally don't.

But you wrote this on a public forum so YABU to think that all of the yous that might be reading this don't use their ex's birthday as their PIN.

I wrote it for my blog, Britta. Have PMed you.