Just a wee bit low. would any nice mumsnetters answer me please?

(65 Posts)
iloveitalia Wed 13-Feb-13 20:20:43

This is my first post ever. AIBU to conclude that once you have children your own needs get ignored? My first dc was born 6 months ago after three ivf attempts.I love her to pieces. Since having her and being on maternity leave, I have taken on the vast majority of the housework, cooking and shopping. Generally, I don' t mind this as I like taking care of my home and family; but have recently started to feel quite tired and run down ( am ebf and dd does not sleep well). Dh seems oblivious to this and has become very used to the fact that I' m doing almost everything at home. I feel taken for granted, I suppose. My father is dead and mum very ill with dementia, so I have nowhere to go for a bit of parental support. I really miss them, and wish that they could have met their lovely granddaughter. Sorry, just needed a moan. Thanks in advance to anyone who answers this

hermioneweasley Wed 13-Feb-13 20:25:05

Poor thing. Your DD is still very young, and the reality of parenthood after the longing of ivf can be a bit of a shock! Tell your DH very calmly that you're feeling a bit unappreciated and tell him what you need him to do, then lavish him with appreciatin when he does it.

Also, give yourself a break, she is very new still

Have an enormous squidge, Italia. Sounds like you need to come and join the nest of vipers and learn to say "oi!" V.loudly to your dh.

Have a read of the feminism boards, come and have a chat on er.. _chat, generally use us like a group of friends down the pub. Have a rant (but be prepared to be told to Leave The Bastard if it sounds warranted) and a laugh.

(Squidge)

ChristmasJubilee Wed 13-Feb-13 20:27:05

Congratulations on your lovely dd. I'm sorry you are feeling down it can be really hard work bringing up children. You need to speak to dh, he may not realise that you are struggling. If you are bf then he can't do that but could take her downstairs in the morning after her feed to let you have a long lie or take her in the afternoon at weekends to let you have a nap?

ChaChaDigregorio Wed 13-Feb-13 20:27:07

Personally found being a mum a bit rubbish until she could talk and be reasoned with, felt I was getting very little back. Can also empathise with having a thought time otherwise as DP was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks before DD was conceived so he went through treatment during my pregnancy and her first few months. It's really hard when you feel like everyone needs you and you get so little back. I categorically promise it gets better. I hated that everyone else seemed blissfully happy with their child and I was stressed, miserable and sleep deprived with very little support. Turns out half of the buggers were feeling the same but didn't want to say. Was only when I spoke out about it that they said they felt the same. Nowadays my DD is my best mate and life is SO Much better. Hang onion there.i promise you're not alone.

CruCru Wed 13-Feb-13 20:27:40

Be kind to yourself. People don't realise how hard it is looking after small children.

Could you afford some childcare? Perhaps a childminder for a morning or a mothers help to give you an extra hand.

Perhaps your DH could take on one of your jobs (my DH does quite a lot of the cooking). Also put some money M&Ss way, don't cook everything from scratch.

Oh, and don't whatever you do use AIBU while feeling delicate or sensitive, it is asking for trouble.

Fancy a biscuit? Or some wine ?

ChaChaDigregorio Wed 13-Feb-13 20:28:24

Don't hang onions. Hang on in there!

riverboat Wed 13-Feb-13 20:29:07

Oh, I'm so so sorry iloveitalia. Your post makes me feel so sad. I don't often wish to hug strangers, but in this case I do.

It must be horrible to want your mum and dad, and not be able to have them. I really feel for you. I dread the day I lose my parents.

I think you have to speak to your DH. Not necessarily in a confrontational way, but you have to let him know you are feeling low and need some extra support right now. That's his job.

I really wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.

DixieD Wed 13-Feb-13 20:29:50

You poor thing. It is tough with your first. Such a dramatic change. Talk to your DH about how you feel. Make sure you are not taking on too much. Are you both getting equal amounts of leisure time?
If you are going back to work you need to be clear with DH about expectations re housework. I have seen many women fall into the trap of doing everything on mat leave and struggling to get their DH to pitch in once they go back.
I am sorry about your folks. Have you any siblings /close friends you can talk to? If they are parents they will understand if you tell them you are finding it tough. We've all had bad times.

Snusmumriken Wed 13-Feb-13 20:30:05

Poor you, the first few months with a baby can be very draining. It sounds like you are taking on much too much work at the moment. Why don't you tell your DH how you are feeling and give him a detailed list of chores that you would like him to take over.

Good luck!

Elesbe Wed 13-Feb-13 20:30:18

Things will get better. You have a beautiful DD. Absolutely agree with hermione especially the bit about calm communication! Good luck and try to enjoy your special time with your DD.

iloveitalia Wed 13-Feb-13 20:30:30

Oh, you' re all so lovely. I' m smiling already! Thank you.

I can empathise with the exhaustion of those early days, and with the fact that almost every other bugger lied found it easier than I did.

I think some straight talking with your dh may be in order, and although he should know, telling him calmly what you would like him to do can't hurt.

One day I will learn to rtft. Sorry cross posted with lots of other posters blush

youmeatsix Wed 13-Feb-13 20:32:38

I think we all have a pre-conceived notion of how wonderful motherhood will be, and we will suddenly turn into a domestic goddess, instead we are bleary eyed, dishes piled up and are lucky if we drag a brush through our own hair. You need to speak to hubby, explain how you are feeling, and voice your expectations and what would make life easier for you
it does get easier, honestly, but we all need a helping hand sometime
i hope things improve soon

PoppyWearer Wed 13-Feb-13 20:33:17

Aww, you poor thing.

Have a word with your DH, try to nip it in the bud now before this becomes habit. If you go back to work, you can't be shouldering all of the housework alone.

Are you still breastfeeding? That can make it difficult for dads to feel "useful". Hopefully you can start introducing solids soon - and then your DH should be put firmly in charge of her mealtimes when he's around as "bonding" time. Ditto bath times! Whilst you drink wine and read a mag "cook dinner".

SarahJinx Wed 13-Feb-13 20:34:06

Its a bloody tough gig! Lonely, isolated,anxious, shattered...particularly without your lovely folks to lean on. Talk to DH, I think sometimes, especially after a long period of ttc and the expectation of hearts and flowers to come, they retreat a bit, tell him you need him.

It does get easier, tiredness of the first 9 months is awful bit unavoidable, it does get easier x

Rangirl Wed 13-Feb-13 20:34:15

I think it's quite common to feel a bit like this at this stage ,the initial euphoria has worn off and the daily routine is in place This time of year does not help either ! Although always worth a chat with H V / GP if you think it might be PND You have probably being nesting away doing everything quite happily in the baby bubble phase and your husband has got used to it (as most would !) Speak to him tell him how you feel and I am sure you will get back on an even keel Plan a day out with the girls Or even just a trip to the hairdresser and let DH get on with it My DS was very much longed for after a devastating loss but I always say my DH and I argued more in the first 6 months than ever did before or after Hugs to you and good luck

Coconutty Wed 13-Feb-13 20:35:19

I think most people feel like you do when they have their first baby and are at home on maternity leave. I used to feel that DH worked mon - fri and had weekend off yet I was on call 24-7!

Talk to your DH and ask for help, that's what I did.

Taffeta Wed 13-Feb-13 20:38:34

Squidge from me, so sorry you don't have your parents there for you.

First baby, first year are hard, and yes your needs do get forgotten. It's your job to make sure they are not lost. You need to fight for them!

I wish I'd known about MN when I had my first. This is a great place for support, advice and whingeing as necessary.

Be kind to yourself, make time for yourself - get your DH more on board - surround yourself with people that help and make you feel good about yourself.

HerbyVore Wed 13-Feb-13 20:38:48

Oh you poor love!

Enjoy your baby, - ebf is just wonderful but a little mixing wouldn't harm her if it would help you, - make the whole experience better, truly.

You have done fabulously well to ebf to 6months, - give yourself a bit of leeway - doesn't mean you have to stop.

Yup mix feeding if she will take it will be good. But don't use it as a rod to beat yourself with if she turns out to be a bottle refuser (like my dd)

Stinkyminkymoo Wed 13-Feb-13 20:45:03

I could have written your post. My dd is the same age and my DH seems to think I sit around doing nothing.

If he has the baby for a few hours he almost has a meltdown if she cries. No advice for you, but your certainly not alone hmm

Congratulations on your dd, smile

permaquandry Wed 13-Feb-13 20:52:15

Ah, I feel for you. It really does get easier as they get older and whilst my dh is wonderful, most of the home/baby duties fell to me. I EBF too for over a year, so he couldn't even help with that. I do feel also that I 'allowed' him to get away with not doing too much for our babies as I felt so responsible and didn't give him enough credit to get it right (I'm not saying that is was your doing, though). I look back and realise how wrong I was.

With my dh, I've finally worked out (after nearly 16 yrs) that I actually have to spell it out to him before he realises what I need/would like/he should do!

Sqidge from me too, I have definitely been there, come and chat one here and you'll find many, many people are going through what you are. Have some chocolate too, it's a mood enhancer, in fact I'm off to have some whole nut in your honour.

permaquandry Wed 13-Feb-13 21:03:39

Sorry, I meant to say that I'm so sorry your dad has passed on and that dealing with your mum's dementia must be incredibly difficult and painful too. It's a very cruel disease, not least for the relatives. How is she day to day? May I ask what type she has and is it early stages? Please don't answer if you'd rather not talk about it.

My dad died way before my kids came along I feel sad that he never knew them. I talk about him a lot though and have pictures.

Have another squidge and another bit of chocolate (I will too wink)

iloveitalia Wed 13-Feb-13 21:09:15

Just nipping in quickly to thank you all for your support. It' s really helping. Just had a wee cry with dh. He was very nice and is now cooking dinner!

Snusmumriken Wed 13-Feb-13 21:14:18

Ah, I'm glad you feel better!

Congratulations on your DD ilove!

My DD is nearly the same age and something I've found that helps me is not to stress about the things that don't get done - take a day sometimes to sit and cuddle your baby and sod the housework - & make it clear to you DH you expect him to pitch in!

Hugs to you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Feb-13 21:21:54

Too late to offer any help this time but this is a great place to come and offload, don't be a hero! Speak up when you feel down. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

NewYearsEvelyn Wed 13-Feb-13 21:29:06

I think the pressure to find everything perfect when you've battled so hard to have a baby in the first place is huge. It hits everyone at some point that parenting is hard...really, really hard! I went back to work when dd was 14 weeks old, after I'd been trying for children for 6 years, having 3 mcs, I finally had the baby I wanted and I had to go back to work. I was part time, so I know I was lucky, but it was still a lot to take on. I felt like I was failing at work, as I couldn't just stay over at the drop of a hat to finish tasks; I felt like I was failing at home, cos the house was a constant mess, and I felt like I was a failure at being a mum, cos I wasn't with my child 3 days out of 7. My DH was supportive, I had his family on the doorstep, but it was still tough.

Give yourself a break, mentally at least. You are a mum, not superwoman. You're allowed to be down, especially as you have parental caring duties too. Double whammy! Have an un-mumsnet type hug from someone who really isn't dreadfully hugging.

NewYearsEvelyn Wed 13-Feb-13 21:29:35

That was meant to say huggy...apologies...

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 13-Feb-13 21:35:13

Tbh Italia Some men are bloody clueless, sometimes all it takes is to just tell him, some do understand. Give DD to Hubby and get in the bath, it helps to just be alone for 10 minutes.

yummumto3girls Wed 13-Feb-13 21:46:32

I echo what everyone else says, sorry you are feeling low. I would say don't feel you have to be the perfect domestic goddess, you don't have to spend your days at home doing chores. It helps to get out together, mother and toddler groups etc it will give you a change if scenery and help build up a support network for you in the absence of family. My mum died whilst I was pregnant with DD1, dad a few years earlier. It's bloody tough but we have developed in to our own little support system and you will to, and your mum will be proud of you.

socharlottet Wed 13-Feb-13 22:12:34

EBF a 6 month old baby is exhausting in itself! Think how much energy the body muist use in meeting the nutritional requirements of a 6m old child.Once she becomes more reliant on food, you will start to feel better.

iloveitalia Wed 13-Feb-13 23:00:14

Perma- just to answer your question about my mum, she has Alzheimer' s and it's very advanced. She' s in a home now as she needs 24 hour care, she can't move, is incontinent, needs spoon fed, etc. She' s been like this for over te years now. I really appreciate your kind response.

permaquandry Wed 13-Feb-13 23:14:49

Well my heart really does go out to you. It's so cruel, I know there's a lot going to try to raise awareness of this disease but I don't think many people realise just how hideous it is (hopefully that's because they aren't touched by it). I guess you have to focus on the wonderful memories you have of your mum. I know it must be so painful for you, do you get to see her much?

You have a lot on your plate, you deserve a lovely life and good nights' sleep! I ended up going to bed at 9pm just to get a few 'good' hours in before 1st night feed. (My 2nd fed 3 times per night up until a year).

Hang on in there in there, I promise you life will get easier, plus you still have a lot of hormonal changes going on. So glad that you talked to DH, like I said, you sometimes have to spell it out, you are a team and I'm sure he'd hate to think of you feeling low.

Did you have some choc? I had a half of a family sized bar little bit of whole nut

Thinking of you, come back on here in the morning and tell us how you're doing.

permaquandry Fri 15-Feb-13 18:13:42

How you doing Ilove?

iloveitalia Sat 16-Feb-13 10:02:25

Hi Perma....thanks for asking. I' m ok thanks. Think i'm low because i'm tired ans run down. Dh doesn' t really understand, which is frustrating, but i don't think he ever will. I'm sure many mothers feel this way. I bet i will feel better soon when i get some energy back. Thanks so much for your support and chocolate eating in my honour (smile).

permaquandry Mon 18-Feb-13 20:40:37

Sorry fir delay in replying. Yes, definitely, lack of sleep clouds everything.

I know getting the actual sleep is tricky, do you drink plenty of water, it's a great energy boost?

How are you feeling today? How's the sleep going? I know u EBF, so it's tricky, but could you express for a few nights or at least ask dh to do the winding and resettling?

Ps I'm still having the chocolate in your honour, just in case you need me to........smile

iloveitalia Wed 20-Feb-13 13:42:52

Hi perma. Sorry, I' ve just seen your post. You' re so kind smile.
Am ok. Sleep still not too good....the wee so and so is just full of beans, and doesn' t really nap during the day either. Oh well, just have to get through it and remember it doesn' t last, I suppose.
Dh is going to take dd tonight to the spare room to give me a break. Have expressed some milk. I can't wait!! How I get my thrills nowadays, eh??
Really appreciate you taking the time to ask after me. Hope you' re having a nice week so far, and enjoying the brighter weather.Please keep on eating the fruit and nut....I think it' s helping grin.

iloveitalia Wed 20-Feb-13 13:45:46

Oops....I mean whole nut, not fruit and nut. That bit' s very important.

magimedi Wed 20-Feb-13 15:05:07

So sorry to hear about your mother - my mother had it too & died 14 years ago. It is a terrible illness & leaves you feeling exhausted emotionally. I also felt horribly guilty as I longed for her to die & be released from it all.

Your DH sounds really lovely - but most men need telling things, they just don't seem to realise in the way that women do.

Sleep will help you hugely & don't try to be 'superwoman' over the house! I remember once hearing that a house needs to be reasonably hygenic but dirty enough to be a real home!

Oh bless your DH.
Some just need to be told and they will help out.
It must be tough for you.
Do you attend a baby group or anything?
Do you go round to friends houses for some 'adult' conversation?
I was chomping at the bit after 3 months to get back to work for a rest and some adult talk and to use my brain properly again.
Good luck and congrats!

iloveitalia Wed 20-Feb-13 16:42:20

Thanks Magi and Hellsbells. Yep, Alzheimer's is rotten...i can completely understand your desire for your mum to die Magi. I feel the same way, and I know that my mum would want that too. It' s no life, is it? The only blessing is that they' re unaware of what' s happening to them. I don' t think you should feel guilty at all.

Hellsbells, yes, we go to mum and baby yoga, swimming lessons and mums and tots. I also catch up with friends quite often.I' m so lucky, as I really do have a lovely bunch of friends. smile.

Thanks for your kind posts.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Feb-13 16:54:10

Yanbu at all to be finding parenting a challenge, it is a huge adjustment. You obviously have a gorgeous little Dd and you sound like a lovely mum. It must be very difficult not to have your mum or dad to offer some support. Come here for some moral and practical support.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:10

Huge hugs to you x

valiumredhead Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:39

YANBU I think you really need your parents when you have little ones and it's hard when they aren't around x

AlanMoore Wed 20-Feb-13 17:05:20

Bless you, coping with your mum's illness must be so hard and I can totally see that on a bad day it makes everything with your baby bittersweet too. I sometimes have a cry that my grandparents aren't around to see my children even though they've been dead for years and would have a combined age of 203 if they were here!

Your husband sounds nice if a bit unaware of how you're feeling, so keep talking to him, and your friends, and try to enjoy as much as you can. Could you get a weekly date with yourself to do something that lets you forget responsibilities of your mum and baby? Keep fit or a drink at the pub with a mate?

mrsbunnylove Wed 20-Feb-13 18:39:11

here's a bit of advice from the mum/grandma.

stop doing the housework.

Ambi Wed 20-Feb-13 19:37:05

Ilove come and join us with Aug born babies. Do you have FB? We've gone over to there. We love nothing better than moaning about the trivial things smile I'll send some over to convince you we're not harridans.

Ambi Wed 20-Feb-13 19:38:14

Not that you are going through trivial things - God my post sounds bad.

Signet2012 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:03:30

I'm in the August group too.

Started off sharing stories of our positive tests on here and the births then someone set up a FB group which I was a bit unsure about joining as I like the anonymity of mumsnet but I'm so glad I did!! We have all been through all the stages and provide each other with so much support. It's completely private and a secret group so no one can see your posts. They have really got me through the last 5.5 months.
I don't really know that many people in rl with babies so their support has been invaluable to me.

I still come on mn all the time too smile

Nightfall1983 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:07:26

Hi I'm also in the August group. Just wanted to say you'd be very welcome to join us, we are a friendly bunch and we are all going through the same thing. It is always nice to be able to rant to people whose babies are the say age as yours and who can reassure you what's normal!

Gingerelle Wed 20-Feb-13 20:22:07

Hi, I'm in the August group too that started on here then moved to fb. I've had a real wobble this week too feeling quite similar stuff to you. The group is great for emotional or practical support so come join us!

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 20-Feb-13 20:27:17

As someone who has just been ill for a week, are you eating well and getting enough vitamins?

Be kind to yourself

rodandtheemu Wed 20-Feb-13 20:47:19

what wonderfull supportive posts!

Op why not put baby in day care for the morning ( if you can afford it)and spend some time pampering your self, even just a long bath or coffee with friends. My dp has to be told how im feeling as he thinks im happy all the time hmm

You sound as though you are doing a fab job holding it all together dont forget your 'u' time

P.s best not post about your dp in aibu though as you will get shouts of ''leave him'' - not very helpfull when ur just feeling a bit pissed off!

Tee2072 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:04:44

Remember the MN mantra 'this too shall pass, it's only a phase'.

I promise, as one mummy with a baby who thinks (thought in my case) that sleep and naps are for the weak, that it will end. You will get to sleep and you will feel better.

Take care of yourself, as Olivia just said. If you're not sleeping and you're breastfeeding make sure you're eating well! Not just chocolate.

grin

permaquandry Wed 20-Feb-13 23:33:29

Yes absolutely has to be whole nut! Fruit and nut always seems pointless to me, who needs a little bit of health in the middle of an indulgent treat?m (tho could you count it as one of your five a day?)

I agree that drinking plenty of water and eating well supports you whilst you are tired/low. Not so easy to eat a balanced diet when u have a newborn tho!

Yes, loving this week, thanks. Got kids at home on half term and were having a lovely week and nice plans for the next few days

Hope tonight goes well, update us tomorrow. smile

iloveitalia Thu 21-Feb-13 17:34:56

Thanks Ambi, Signet, Nightfall and Ginger, I will join the August babies' group on FB. Not sure how to find it though! Had a wee look yesterday, with no success. I am lousy with anything IT related.

And yes, Olivia,taking my vitamins every day smile.

Rod, you' re right, everyone' s posts have been wonderful.

Dh took dd last night, all night. He juat rang to tell me how exhausted he is, ans that it was so hard......as if I didn' t know! Still, I really appreciated it. [ grin].

Thanks again, everybody.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Thu 21-Feb-13 17:42:17

Tell him that when he's done it for several weeks straight he can tell you how tired he is grin

Then tell him Friday & Saturday nights are his with DD smile

I hope you have explained to him that he also needs to pull his weight around the house - his wife is now a stay at home MUM not a stay at home MAID. Fair enough to do what you can, when you can - but he needs to as well. He sounds nice, so talk to him!

Very envy of your new baby cuddles though - if it gets too much, send her over here grin

Nightfall1983 Thu 21-Feb-13 21:05:01

ilove I have just sent you a message with how to join grin

cjel Thu 21-Feb-13 21:50:29

agree with bunny!! The elation of new baby has gone by 6 months and tiredness catches up. Don't let your needs slide, rest and don't give up trying to get dh to understand.

iloveitalia Fri 22-Feb-13 20:25:17

Thanks Nightfall. See you on FBsmile.

Divinyl Sat 23-Feb-13 14:56:28

Hello, hope you've found some of the replies cheering. You are so up and down with a DC at that age (and at other stages, at least as much as I have found so far!) Pretty much everything hinges on whether you have had a good night and whether everyone is near enough to feeling 100% during the day. Such a simple thing and so, so elusive. With the sleep demands, you end up much more tied to the house than DH, at least in my experience, so you therefore get stuck with the work that goes with it too. Sigh. I just had one thought which may have been covered, but could you look into doing something once a week with your DD, like a baby group, that you really enjoy and could look forward to? I moved house and area with my DD at the same age as yours and missed all the early health visitor support very much. I ended up going to 'Baby Sensory' to get myself out of the house and able to explore the area a bit, and I must say I thought it was magic, so creative and a lovely structure (and DD is now far too old for it but I really still quite miss it!), but if this wouldn't be for you then there are sometimes swimming sessions with music and floats meant for babies, or even a sensory room at a library or children's centre? A tip from our angle: things that started before about 1.00 in the afternoon were not successful due to the sheer ruddy length of time it took for us to get ready and out of the house! So go for something taking place in the afternoon (or whenever you are most on the ball!)

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