to not understand why so many people are bitter?(84 Posts)
Warning: This is a thread about many threads, and includes references to FB and blogs
I truly don't understand if it is a cultural thing or not. I'm not from the UK, and I really don't see the same reactions over here.
I have noticed many threads on MN slating facebook posts. It seems that if you post about mundane things, people are sneery about it being dull, but if you post about fun things then you are being a show off trying to look more popular than you are.
If you mention anyone else in your post, you will make people feel excluded, but if you don't, then your posts are all 'me, me, me' ?
There seems to be an issue with people planning things on fb, and that it should all be done out of sight, by email.
Personally, I don't know many people who use emails like that, maybe it is more common in the UK?
If people feel so emotionally charged about it, why have facebook at all?
Also there seems to be a real hate on for bloggers. No one is making you read them, and as far as I know, you actually have to go looking for them in the first place. I really don't get it?
It comes across as though anyone who enjoys themselves is deluded, doing it on purpose to make you feel bad, or staging it in some way.
Perhaps I am getting a skewed view, because the people who are fine with it don't pop up on these threads.
There seems to be a lot of backhanded self-congratulating on FB. A friend of mine (who I subsequently de-friended) posted pictures of her renovation of her dressing room under the pretext of her having OCD and being insane. I find that irritating. This is my biggest problem with FB. I would prefer a straightforward brag post.
I have a blog about crochet which in real life according to people who know makes me boring, and old fashioned. I agree about blogs people say they make them feel bad but I never get why - if your life seems shit in comparison you prob need to wonder why!
I think culturally blatent attention seeking is frowned upon. Facebook is a stage so should be approached carefully.
If you refering to my comments on lifestyle blog post then maybe its just me and my annoying fb freinds.
Of course fb frend are wide
people met online
dont know very well
old school freinds who secretly freinded to see whos life turned out worse or better.
As for the blogs I get spammed with them.
On their wall-do you mind taking a look and sharing.
do you think its ok to which everyone tells said freind its fab.
vain freinds who posts o many pics of themselves.
freinds that name drop brands, costs and photograph all their shopping after next sale or oops I just brought the entire boden preveiw and tagged you so you wont miss it.
Or the pics of their dinners even look what a fab cook I am,
The competative slimming
the decorating posts.
The babys fave meal is lemon sole new potatoes and green beans I mean please.
Yes im out in post restaurant so i will photograph the menu.
The sad face or random sentence -so everyone of course asks whats wrong.
Oh save my pet hate for last couples who speak to each other through fb.
I also find not pming, emailing or phoning/texting crap why arrange meetups on a wall.
bombarded with excessive amounts baby pics-lil princess .
Maybe im bitter but some give me good reason.
But life be boring without it.
Oh, come on! Life is not boring without facebook.
Ha ha I just unfiend anyone who I find annoying. Life's to short. My genuine friends don't annoy me on FB. The :-( posts or "some people need to know they can't treat certain people like that and get away with it" posters get deleted ASAP. Clear sign of being a nightmare
I am normally happy for people when they post exciting things: holiday updates, photos of food, menus, new sofa, photo from a winter walk, whatever.
But then I like my life so only feel envious in an 'oh wow I'd love to experience that' rather than an 'I hate that other people have a better life than me' way.
I post photos of my tea if its something I'm enjoying. But that could be something like a banana and a spoon of Nutella for pudding so isn't always showing off my cooking skills!
Two friends are away on holiday together this week doing all kind of exciting things. Looks ace and I can't wait to hear about the trip in detail when they get back. Why shouldn't they feel able to share what they are doing?
It's just a point of view, I think you're taking it all a bit seriously to be honest. Blogs aren't my cup of tea, I get writing things down, I don't see why you need to share but that's ok that's just my opinion. I'm sure I do loads of things that other people wouldn't for example my daughter has had her ears pierced from the age of 6 - lots of MNers have real venom for this - thats ok. I just couldn't give 2 shiney shites.
I have recently joined Facebook - I don't get it, I mean I like having a nosy at photos but don't divulge a great deal and I would still text more than FB.
Just for clarity, I have never been to the UK, although I have friends and family there
I don't use FB or read blogs. Neither interests me one iota. It irritates me that it's assumed I am on it though. I was trying to find out details of where to meet up etc for dd's rehearsal for her dance club. Turns out I was supposed to be reading it all on FB.
faces all round that I don't use it. Why?
yanbu, I just so get where you are coming from.
I don't know if it's cultural, though I suspect it is.
At least, it's only since I came to live in Britain that I've discovered how much some people like to nurture resentment.
I heard British people talk about the "Culture of Envy" for years before I even half understood what that was supposed to be about (more resentment).
Then there's the famous British class divide (more resentment).
Wednesday afternoons on Radio 5: "The Moan In". I think, only in Britain could someone make a regular national radio feature out of petty resentments. With celebrity judges, guests and endorsements, no less!!
Then recently I realised on MN how many folk just love a Hate Figure (often tied in with more resentment).
It's all very very weird to me.
I'm UK born and bred and I don't understand FB angst either.
I like FB, most of my friends on there just write things that are funny, slightly dull, or nice updates about themselves and their families. It's a means of sharing photos and passing five minutes a day while waiting for something else. That's all.
I'm not a fan of blogs, I find them very self indulgent and usually very tedious, but I don't have any problem avoiding them. Like you say, you don't have to look for them, so I don't!
One of my friends posted a pic of her dinner yesterday, toad in the hole or something. Well it didn't look like toad in the hole, in fact the whole dinner looked like something my dog had regurgitated and then crapped in.
What got me she had about twelve comments and likes all saying 'wow that looks nice, well done you, yum yum where's mine all followed with a million xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The moaning on here is not representative. Just like posts on here are often about "friends" who it appears the op doesn't like at all and if you believed mn you'd think everybody always despises weddings.
I love fb. I love my friends and want to stay in touch with their lives and I love arranging things with them and yes, even attending weddings!
Fbook seems to cause a lot of bad feeling. I used to get all vexed about it, because everyone seemed to be doing all these fabulous things. Then I realised that I never post about how mundane things are, how I'm going to be skint for the rest of the month or how I'm having an "I'm fat and I hate myself" day. Other people don't either.
I don't have a problem with what other people post, but I do sometimes have a chuckle to myself. I don't like Fbook much, but that's mainly because I don't like the way people don't value their privacy as much anymore. Fbook encourages that culture. Down with that sort of thing!
So perhaps it is a mix of culture and class stuff. People being perceived as being too forward or up on themselves?
This certainly wasn't a thread aimed at any one thread. It just seems that there are a lot of threads that bring up FB or blogs, and right away there is a pile in of people who seem very bitter or resentful.
I had a cracker on my feed today. A picture of a bottle of Cava with two full glasses next to it. The comment underneath reads 'A celebration is in order after today's news'. Queue people commenting things such as 'Great news, what are you celebrating?' to which the poster said 'Can't tell you yet, good news in work, so excited but it's a secret'.
So why post the picture and get people excited for you, then? Apart from pure attention seeking. Drives me nuts.
Well I know someone who is Canadian and he writes utter bollocks on his FB wall sometimes.
I have not logged on to FB for months and my blood pressure has improved.
I actually hate it when people make out they are having an amazing time when I know full well they are not. I hate the hypocrisy of it all. I have also seen full on arguments that are horrendous. I also hate people writing quotes that they have nicked to prove a point, the quotes are clever but they didn't write them. I know when a certain news story breaks XY and Z will shove up something by Descartes or Plato.
I can never understand why people have people on their FB they clearly don't like.
Why add people who piss you off?
I like all the people on my FB. I'm happy to share their news.
The FB moaning threads on here do my bloody head in.
And all of FB is attention seeking, thats kind of the point.
I don't think bitterness is the right way to describe it.
I do think that, traditionally, British people don't like show-offs (which is where the self-deprecation thing comes from) and boasting.
To me this is intuitive, but I'm sure it's baffling to many who come from other places, just as I find the subtleties of, say, Japanese social interaction difficult to get a feel for.
I'm a bit that boasting and showing off seems to be ok nowadays. Which is not the same as not being happy to celebrate success and give credit where it's due.
So, I'm officially a gimmer.
Btw, muffin, that's uber-twatty!
Well I love fb! Plenty on it makes me roll my eyes, but never with any bitterness at all.
I suppose I could keep quiet re. my discombobulation over blogs/blogging/bloggers but I kinda like the fact that the internet makes it possible for me to blurt out my random thoughts and maybe someone else will read them.
Btw, muffin, that's uber-twatty
I thought you were referring to me, then. Hopes you weren't in fact referring to me
Thing is, usualsuspect, I do like this friend, that post just made me with the uber-twattyness of it
Minty, I agree, the internet is great for random blurting, and I am glad we all a space to express our selves.
I would much rather everyone got to be bitter than be silenced!
Not that I wish bitterness for anyone, tbf.
It is that people don't like the bragging, colleague of mine put status update as
Bedtime beckons; 4am alarm call. European day trips, the pits of international work travel
Her status updates are littered with this kind of stuff. It is pure bragging, which being British, nobody likes.
It did in face make me laugh, as another friend said she was often having to get up at 4m to take her five yr old sto the toilet.
We Brits just love to moan.
muffin, of course I didn't mean you!
Seriously, I would've imploded faced with that über-twattishness. And de-friended on FB.
And prob IRL
Facebook is largely used to convince others that you lead a glittering, somewhat superior existence. Grandstanding at its finest....especially considering the "like" feature... (Likes are great for validation too, gives a nice wee ego boost.. particularly when folks are feeling inadequate)
The ubiquitous shots of the "cooked from scratch" Sunday roast, the posturing, pouting glamour shots, photos of recently purchased designer gear, images of modified vehicles/expensive etc, status updates lamenting on about weight loss, exotic holiday destinations with "me at the Taj Mahal" .............. It (often) translates to - " I'm better than you", "envy me".
Try as I might, I cannot warm to FB...its just a wank-fillled cesspit full of needy people.
Is it fuck.
Now you do sound bitter.
Since I discovered the hide button my Facebook life is a lot happier! Generally I don't mind the status updates, but I hate the chain mail ones, you know the type, "I love my daughter, she has enhanced my life, like this if you love your daughter too..." FUCK. OFF.
With Facebook, it depends on your relationship with the people you feel have excluded you. If it's close friends, like with the recent thread, then I feel she was justified to feel so hurt and feel bitter, at least in the short term.
Agree with moistened. It's all quite transparent what people use it for now, generally. Isn't it cited in a third of all divorces now?
I like seeing my friends' babies, kittens, crafty stuff.
And hearing what they're up to.
Why wouldn't I?
I LIKE fb. Yes, some posts are blatantly attention seeking, but the attention seeking is just one facet of a couple of my oldest friend's personalities. It doesn't show the crazy bunny-lady, Autism awareness, do-anything to help anyone side of a lovely, lovely person, who is occasionally crippled by anxiety. So, she sometimes posts the :-( - she isn't ACTUALLY doing it FOR the attention, even if that is a side-effect.
She is genuinely posting how she is feeling. <<Shrug>>
If I am up to supporting her, I'll answer, if I'm not able to right then, I arrange to go see her and give her a hug.
You can always ignore the 'look at me posts' if it isn't ALL that person posts, and they are a genuinely lovely person.
And to the person upthread who said that the "Early to bed, 4am start, pitfalls of European travel for work" post was bragging - now, to me, I can't see much to be envious of. An office in the UK, an office in Europe, you're still in an OFFICE, working.
More of a moan about work hours and an early start than a brag about going to Europe to me?!
And I'm most definitely NOT someone who would have a post like that on fb, either, but just because I can't afford to go abroad, doesn't mean that I'm jealous of someone getting up at 4am to go to work there.
In fact, I'd be hard pushed to be jealous of ANYONE getting up at 4am, for ANY reason. But then, getting up at 4am sounds like fucking torture to me!
We have friends who live in far flung destinations of the world and all they seem to do is bloody party! They also do seem to have a different approach regarding blogging and FB. They are very much into celebrating life in the now. Rarely do you hear them moaning about anything. It's not in a self congratulatory way either - they just appear very contented. Helps that they are all young and rich
and I'm only a tiny bit jealous
Doesn't mean they don't get down days or moan about things, they just don't tend to put it on the net.
They also really like to celebrate our achievements or nice things that are going on in our lives, but we live in a cold country and don't have half as many parties . I like the approach they have, even if I wouldn't consider blogging in a million years.
There's a big difference between innocuous updates relating to "babies, kittens, crafty stuff" and shameless bragging through.
Love the pseudo-cultivated updates too - "sipping a soothing cup of Mao Feng tea before our trip to to the Saatchi to see an exhibition on post-modernist confessional art"
Yeah I'm dead bitter usual ...
("Empty barrels make the noise"... Presumably you're not familiar with that idiom..)
You should post that as your FB status, moistenedbint.
Then everyone can see how clever you are.
Typo... "Make the most noise"
Furthermore, you have to question why someone who is having such a "fab time" at some exotic, far-flung location is regulary updating their fb profile.. Wee bit incongruous.
People who don't have FB, seem to know an awful lot about it.
Me, Clever? You're too kind blushes
I'm touched chick..
<sniggers> Hun? Facefuck vernicular at its finest. Suspected you might be a user Usual..
See, being annoyed I can understand, but what I don't get is the seething bitterness, that unshakable belief that everyone is 'faking it' and if they take a picture, they can't really be having a good time.
Didn't people's parent take pics of them on their holidays when they were kids, or of family gatherings? Were they faking it too?
I think you're being a bit disingenous here, I love fb, I have loads of friends and colleagues on it, and all bar 3 or 4 are great. They share snaps of their kids, moan about work, write witty observations about life etc...love it all. I have about three people all colleagues who are good contacts to keep that brag incessantly. One in particular will post about a party that we were at together that I would not recognise from their description, or describe some tedious work meeting about stationery as if it were an international summit. I just quietly roll my eyes- but he's clearly editing his life for his friends back home- home being Canada btw
I tend to agree with you OP, but I find with FB, there's a very fine line between bragging and telling your friends what you're up to (if you're doing something nice) - and it's very subtle. I was trying to think of an example right now, but you know it when you see it.
Add to that, FB is going to be awful today!
I don't think it is FB- people just have the wrong friends! Just de friend them- or if you don't want to go that far then hide their posts.I don't read blogs - you don't have to!
I now only have people I actually like on my FB - no random mums from the playground, no colleagues, no old school friends that I never see. My FB feed doesn't raise my blood pressure any more that I've got rid of people I don't really know
However I think FB does let you see sides of your friends that you probably wouldn't see which can open your eyes a bit
I tell a lie- actually I do read one blog - and what annoys me is that I disagree with a lot if it and comment (always politely) and she keeps tight control and you are only allowed to comment if you agree.
I hate fb, now have only one relative on it
too much insensitive bragging
if you dont like the crap people post, unfriend them or whatever its called
lifes too short
I find I only get annoyed by the Facebook posts of those I don't really like very much in real life.
If one of my friends posted '4am alarm call for work trip to european city' I would never see that as boasting - i travel for work and blimmin hate the 4am taxi to the airport. I'd probably post with - "sympathies, make sure you get a good dinner on expenses tonight to make up for it" or something.
My fb this morning consists of -
Good friend on her way to london for a few days, responses from some of her other friends who'll be in london arranging meet ups. response from me to see when she's back as she owes me lunch.
Snow report for the hill road at Cairngorm (v. useful to see skiing conditions)
An Avaaz petition to end violence against women
Some chit-chat about 'the following' (which we don't get)
Somebody's baby being woken by a 6am phonecall hangup.. bitching and sympathy responses about cold callers and hangups.
Somebody's last day at work for mat leave... lots of congrats.
A photo of a new bridge being built near us for cyclists to cross the river away from the road (sounds dull but is exciting for us, person who posted photo lives nearer than us so nice to see progress).
My cousin's birthday
some very interesting questions posed here OP. Certainly made me think. I think I find it strange that some people that I like in RL put really annoying attention seeking things on fbook! An example is people put statuses like "Now I know who my real friends are....." or "Things are looking up....." but then no further updates. Also I cannot bear the vanity of some people, someone on my fbook wrote "can't believe I didn't get to bed till 4am and I still look fantastic"! It has made me go right off some people!
I do enjoy using fbook to stay in touch with some of my friends and family who live in a different part of the country or overseas though.
Came off FB for one reason.
Hated seeing an acquaintance of mine (friend A) posting the smug "look at my perfect home / kids / hair/ shoes / life / holidays" stuff whilst I know her DH is having an affair with one of her friends (B) - who also posts the smug "perfect life" stuff at the same time.
Found it all so deeply false and used to depress me no end.
and when it all comes out, as it surely will, it'll make the fallout worse having the "timeline" of friend B chatting to friend A about how lucky she is to have such a perfect family and wonderful husband..............maybe while they're in bed together having a good old laugh at her expense.
Vile people use it to hurt one another.
Though I'm sure for most it's totally harmless.
There was a study out not so long ago that concluded that the vast majority of people using FB deliberately exaggerate their statuses to make their lives sound more exciting/dramatic/happier/successful, etc. Apparently, people feel under pressure to do so because the online world has resulted in people constantly comparing themselves to each other. It's the modern-day, online version of keeping up with the joneses I suppose.
It's a bit daft really, since it stands to reason that if you're (generic) exaggerating your status, lots of other people probably are too. And it's the same mentality that resulted in so many people getting saddled with debt trying to fund lifestyles they couldn't afford before the credit crunch.
I suspect the cynicism comes from that. Personally I find FB very dull, though I maintain a blank, status-free account to view stuff from time to time.But each to their own. As long as people are aware of the pitfalls of social media and enjoy using it, live and let live is my motto.
Yes, there is a lot of anger about. The aggession of the pub at midnight. Rather than a sensibly conversation in a library at midday. Bloated ego, is usually a male thing of various sites. FB has its problems; and needs to look at itself Its become too popular for anyones good
I'm English born bred, and I don't get the anguish from fb.
Yes, people post brags about their children's achievements. Why not? I like hearing what my friend's children have done. Do I sometimes think I'd like my dc to have done it? Yes. Does that mean they shouldn't post it? No, it's still nice to hear what they've been doing. They're proud (usually) and celebrating it, not showing off.
Do I sometimes see some friends have got together without inviting me? Yes. But I don't expect to be invited to everything. I certainly don't invite everyone on my fb list, even though I'm fairly picky about who goes on my friendship list. I don't think it's ever bothered me at all to see friends having a nice time without me.
What I do hate is the chain stuff. But I just ignore it. I don't get worked up about it, because it's something others love to do, I don't. I've always avoided chain mails since I was quite little and a friend got sent one that said she'd be run over by a bus if she broke the chain, and she was really upset.
And even a lot of mundane things can be interesting in that it can show a side to the person you never knew. I've found out that one of my friends is a keen golfer. Never knew that, and she never talks about it in rl, but occasionally posts about it.
I think that the British have a tendency towards Tall Poppy Syndrome. FB just gives us a whole new set of opportunities to cut each other down if we get too far above ourselves.
See also "She's no better than she ought to be", "I speak as I find", "I'm not being nasty, but..." and schadenfreud.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think most people have probably blocked my updates because I just share news articles.
What pissed me off was SIL who insisted of posting pics of me. I didn't even want to be in them in the first place. It would have been petty to have them removed, so I just untagged them. I don't even use my RL name on FB and I only use it to keep in touch with friends and family.
If people want to live their lives on FB, then all the best to them.
What is Tall Poppy syndrome?
Oh man, that's ANOTHER very British concept.
Along with "we love to put people on pedestals and then knock them down."
Tall Poppy = Stand out from the crowd (thru excelling at something). Like a tall flower (poppy). Conspicuously so as to attract ridicule for excelling at whatever it was. Particularly to do with braininess, but anything, really.
Do other cultures have a tradition of criticising swots?
I quite like FB. I look at it every day. I try to put things up that are informative or amusing (though I am not a regular poster, I enjoy those that are).
I'll put up holiday photos for family to see and like to see others too. If somebody posts about new decoration, I just assume they are a bit bored!
The 'Bedtime beckons; 4am alarm call. European day trips, the pits of international work travel' looks a bit like a stealth post - poor me having to get up at 4am but it says also, see, I travel internationally, not just to Europe, for my work so I'd be a bit cynical.
If she really wanted sympathy, should have put, 'pissed off have to get up at 4am for work, part of my job I'm not so keen on.'
I love the empty barrels quote!
Oh, ok, I had never heard of that before. Between that, and the 'culture of envy' thing, this has been an eye opener for me.
I guess culturally we just assume the cream rises to the top no matter what, there is no point in being envious about it.
To be fair, I think Canadians in general are willing to criticize celebrities (we all bitch about Bieber) but are less likely to feel that way about people we know.
I'm American and we admire success and talk it up as something to emulate.
I love Facebook. I enjoy being able to stay up to date on what people are up to and be nosy...
But even more than that- I enjoy getting irritated by the braggy updates, the look-at-me- duck face pictures, the public rows... I love it and I have no shame about that.
sad and lonely cow
"Also there seems to be a real hate on for bloggers. No one is making you read them, and as far as I know, you actually have to go looking for them in the first place. I really don't get it?"
Erm, couldn't the same be said for AIBU posts about bloggers and FB, OP? The titles usually indicate the content. Just don't read them. Problem solved.
It could be that British people are more likely to want resent the success of others, although Canadians are known for being gullible- maybe they're not shrewd enough to see through the bullshit. I think most fb threads I've seen are not about outright jealousy more about seeing some people post things that are clearly exaggerated or just falsified and there being a bit of a culture of Emperor's new clothes about it.
Why do you read those threads, OP?
I genuinely don't think it's resentment of success, rather than not liking smugness. I quite like that it's a bit of a national trait that we're self-deprecating. I just think it's a very fine line and hard to define when it's crossed, but must of us know it when we see it
FB is great for someone like me who works from home, sitting in front of a pc all day is tedious, FB can be fun. I get annoyed by all the bitching about FB, it isn't open, you only see posts from people that you have added so therefore I theory have at least a slight interest in? If they annoy you then don't read their updates and/or unfriend them?
I genuinely liked all the people I added on fb until I added them. Now they frequently annoy the fuck out of me. I don't befriend, because I remember that IRL, I do actually care for these people, but if I judged them on their fb statuses alone I would consider them to be boastful, smug and rude!
My particular bugbear are using fb to sell things to friends ( unless it is a fb page specifically for a business) or constant boasting. A little bit of boasting is fine, but some people have no concept of when to
I must have chosen the remainder of my FB friends wisely, as none of them really boast.
Moistenedbint has nailed it ,i was going to post my own opinion but who,in this world could follow her post ?a genuine classic ! > i salute you ,Moistenedbint !
only 2 things bug me on facebook. The chain 'share this if you want to get this sick child a heart/kidney etc'
and the blatant fishing for sympathy using cryptic messages such as
'Some times life gets you down, but then you just smile through the pain'
Followed by people going "aww whats up babe xxxx" etc etc
hmm I am swamped with facebraggers on my feed. The thing is I do know them (!) and they are not actually bad people. I guess they must be trying to create a warm happy facade... or maybe they are just incredibly open about what makes them happy (and never experience failure, unhappiness or self doubt)... or maybe I read them wrong and they are total narcissists!!
But honestly (and this is an academic thing) do you need to post every time you win a grant, or finish an article? Do you need to spend every day updating people on your gruelling marathon schedule? Or what your wonderful husband gave you for your birthday? (I live alone so sensitive to that kind of thing ;D)
Kids etc I'm not sure about. I post pics of mine sometimes because dammit I am proud of them :D But only about twice a year.
Must say though I have really revised my opinion of 2 or 3 people based on their obsessively braggy FB style. The odd positive/happy post is not it. It's when every second post is a broadcast of achievement/genius, etc.
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