To be upset that my maid of honour has not even chosen me as her bridesmaid

(97 Posts)
daisydee43 Wed 13-Feb-13 15:31:18

I got married 2 yrs ago and was really pleased to choose my friend as my maid of honour but she is getting married this year and I know she has lots more friends and family to choose from but I would have at least expected bridesmaid role. I am very upset and her maid of honour keeps texting me about the hen do and I feel out of joint. I wanted her as my dds godmother but now I think I will choose someone else, petty but that's how I feel hmm

onebridenobump Wed 13-Feb-13 15:35:33

Right, as someone planning her wedding I am having exactly this problem. YABU

Firstly, I was under the impression that if you were married you couldnt be a bridesmaid?!?!

Secondly, she may have thought that you would be too busy with married life/new baby etc to deal with the stress of being a bridesmaid etc.

I know that was my thought process when choosing mine anyway

It's her choice who she has as her bridesmaids/maid of honour just as it was yours when you chose her. If you're her friend just be happy for her and respect her decision. You don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her if you have time to.

I have been bridesmaid a few times and had two weddings [greedy]. None of my bridesmaids had me as BM and I have none of my 'brides' were my BM. It just happens like that. YABU.

Umlauf Wed 13-Feb-13 15:35:53

Yanbu to be upset, this happened to me (our weddings were only 4 months apart) and I was devastated and have worked very hard not to let my hurt feelings ruin our friendship. When I looked at it objectively it was a similar situation to you, she has sisters and lots of school friends she felt she had to ask, and although I was really upset she didn't feel she had to or wanted to ask me (and still am I guess) I'm glad I didn't bustup our friendship. You know who won't be godmother to your children!

Ywbu to say something to her though as I expect it was a horrible, tough decision to make for her and she probably didn't choose you as she felt you would understand and be reasonable about it.

I feel for you though, its not nice :-(

YABU!! It's not tit for tat is it!

I can understand that but you also have to understand that some lucky people are invited to be bridesmaids by lots of people. My own sister has been bridesmaid about 12 times. When she got married she couldn't have had everyone in return. If you feel that you don't want to have her as godmother to your dds then that is your decision, but just because she hasn't chosen you as her bridesmaid doesn't mean she would be a bad choice.

StuntGirl Wed 13-Feb-13 15:38:04

Wasn't aware the rule was they had to choose you back. Seems quite primary school-ish. I'm sorry you're upset but she can choose whoever she likes.

VinegarTits Wed 13-Feb-13 15:40:00

petty you say? yep

and immature

Pagwatch Wed 13-Feb-13 15:43:24

I am sorry as I know thesis irrelevant but I don't really understand anyone wanting to be a bridesmaid.
I would rather wear what I want and enjoy the day without any responsibilities and avoiding the inevitability of looking shit in the wedding photos because adult bridesmaid always look ropey when forced to pose with a peachy faced 5 year old.

YABU. I can understand a slight disappointment, but it would be really petty and childish to decide not to have her as a godparent over this. In future, should anyone ask you to do anything for them, please ask them to sign a written contract of what you expect them to do for you as payback in due course.

usualsuspect Wed 13-Feb-13 15:46:09

YABU.

I don't know what else to say.

discotequewreck Wed 13-Feb-13 15:46:45

Well i'm not sure it is unreasonable. My chief bridesmaid was very involved in my wedding and when it came to her wedding shortly after, not only was I excluded as bridesmaid, I was left out of the initial hen night emails.

I was younger then, maybe I would rise above it more now, but I was deeply hurt. They were feelings, I am human.

Groovee Wed 13-Feb-13 15:48:40

I wasn't chosen as a bridesmaid by my chief bridesmaid but she is still my daughter's godmother and she had her goddaughter instead.

lisad123everybodydancenow Wed 13-Feb-13 15:48:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickydoo Wed 13-Feb-13 15:49:36

Don't worry about it, my Bridesmaid didn't even invite me to her wedding!
I don't see her anymore.

CasperGutman Wed 13-Feb-13 15:50:21

YABU. Ask someone to be your bridesmaid because you want their help and support on your wedding day, not in expectation that you'll get a day of dressing up out of it. Say if your friend's budget only stretches to so many bridesmaids, should she not ask her unmarried younger relatives because she "has to" ask everyone she's been a bridesmaid for?

I'm going to my best man's wedding next week. I'm not his best man, but I'm fine with that. There'll be 4 people there who he's been best man for, and he could hardly ask us all!

LeChatRouge Wed 13-Feb-13 15:51:09

Oh no, horrid isn't it. The underlying problem here is that this makes it clear that you are not as important to her as she is to you and that does make you feel crappy. You want her to feel the same about you as you feel about her, to value you the same. But, she has chosen other people first.

I feel for you. She probably does feel a bit guilty and not surer how to broach it. I think you will feel better over time, think about if you see her in your life for the long term and that might help your decision about the god parent.

specialsubject Wed 13-Feb-13 15:51:14

waah!! not invited to dress up!! Waah!

YABU.

MolotovCocktail Wed 13-Feb-13 15:51:33

I think you've had some very harsh replies, OP. I would expect to feel upset in your situation; it feels like you have held her in very high regard and now she is demonstrating that the feeling might not be reciprocated. Hurtful. Might not be intentional, but very hurtful.

However, judging from what has been said upthread, it might be that you're not 'even' bridesmaid due to some of the mentioned reasons. Try not to act whilst you're upset. Maybe ask her why she made the choice she did at an appropriate time (i.e. Not at the Hen do, wedding, etc).

I was bridesmaid for one of my closest friends. When it came to my wedding I lived 180. Miles away so didn't have her as bm cos she was too far away, I picked a close friend who lives where I live. In turn when she got married it was abroad and she didn't ask me to a bridesmaid either. Meh. We are all grown ups who are entitled to have who we wish. No one has expressed any upset over it at all.

MaxPepsi Wed 13-Feb-13 15:54:33

YABU

I have been a bridesmaid many times. Think 27 dresses but thankfully not as many as that.

Not one of those friends was my bridesmaid/maid of honour. In fact one of them wasn't even invited to any of my wedding, and some of them only got evening invites.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 13-Feb-13 15:55:36

*Well i'm not sure it is unreasonable. My chief bridesmaid was very involved in my wedding and when it came to her wedding shortly after, not only was I excluded as bridesmaid, I was left out of the initial hen night emails.

I was younger then, maybe I would rise above it more now, but I was deeply hurt. They were feelings, I am human.*

Yes this is bizarre and bad - very strange not to be included in the hen night plans!!

OP is the maid of honour a family member?

She may well be assuming that you've moved on from the...well, bridesmaid 'stage' and it would be more of a hassel to you than anything else.

I can see why you're hurt. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a little...well vulnerable and slightly sad about it.

Not sure about the godparent thing - I wouldn't do it tit for tat's sake but you might want to consider whether she is definitely someone who will be there for your child 'going forward' or more of a person you were friends with for a particular period that may well change over time...

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 13-Feb-13 15:56:18

YABU. Don't know why you are expecting such a role at someone else's wedding. If you are meant to be her friend you should just be happy for her and enjoy her day with her. People get so entitled over weddings. And not letting her being godmother over it is just petty.

discotequewreck Wed 13-Feb-13 15:59:24

Depends on the situation though MaxPepsi.

I can uderstand why some people get hurt over this.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 16:01:28

YANBU and don't let the bitchy cuntiness of AIBU tell you you aren't allowed to have feelings.

Her choice is her choice.

But it tells you something about how she views your friendship and that your regard her is not reciprocal.

If that makes her seem like a bad choice for godmother, that is entirely your choice.

You don't owe her godmother any more than she owes you bridesmaid.

It is foolish to live life ignoring your feelings.

NopeStillNothing Wed 13-Feb-13 16:04:24

I don't think it's a simple yabu/yanbu to be honest. Ofcourse you don't select bridesmaids on the condition that they select you back, but it depends on the relationship you have with your friend and the type of wedding she's having as to whether yabu or not to be disappointed.
Either way it shouldn't really effect your decision in regards to the Godparents

2beornot Wed 13-Feb-13 16:05:14

YANBU to have these feelings. I did, when in a similar position a few years ago. It's hurts to think you're not as important to someone as they are to you. But she was still important to me.

Since then we've grown closer still and I am now godmother to get dd2 and if I have another, she will be his/her godmother.

Only you can decide whether your friendship is more important than this.

atthewelles Wed 13-Feb-13 16:05:51

I can totally understand feeling hurt about this. Not so much about not being chosen but that the friend in question didn't even say 'listen I'm not having you as bridesmaid because....... I hope you don't mind'.

I can see the friend may have been in a difficult position if she had several people who might expect to be her bridesmaid, but a bit of tact and consideration doesn't cost much.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Wed 13-Feb-13 16:06:17

Sorry, it is another YABU from me. I would try not to worry about it.

Sashapineapple Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:26

YABU, childish and petty.

yaimee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:32

I can see why you're hurt but it must also be hard for her because no matter who she chooses age will be disappointing someone else. Maybe she sees you as someone who would empathise with her and understand her difficult position.
There are so many wedding threads on here and so many hurt feelings and politics that it makes me not want to get married, I don't think I could cope with the stress of it all!

alphablock Wed 13-Feb-13 16:07:39

My best friend was bridesmaid at my wedding (along with my sister), but when she got married she chose her sister and sister-in-law to be bridesmaids. I was slightly hurt at first, but then she asked me to do a speech instead. I actually enjoyed doing this more than I would have enjoyed poncing about in some ridiculous dress, holding her flowers etc. She also had another close friend who did a reading during the ceremony instead of being a bridesmaid.

She later admitted that she felt she had to choose both her bridesmaids to avoid a major falling out.

OP, there could be all sorts of reasons for your friend's choice. She may have been under pressure from other friends and family and she may feel that your friendship is secure enough not to need her to prove its value by asking you to be bridesmaid.

Bridesmaids are unmarried traditionally.

MrsJamin Wed 13-Feb-13 16:09:00

My maid of honour didn't even invite me to the dinner part of her wedding, 18 months later! Ruined our friendship to be honest. I totally understand where you're coming from.

TeeBee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:14:10

I don't think you are BU to be a bit upset about it but, you know, you will get over it and work through it. I guess people choose bridesmaids for different reasons: their organisation skills, ability to keep calm, ability to put up with their strange family members, resourcefulness, good with putting hair up and brides make-up on, as well as their friendship. It might be that she has approached it from a practical perspective. I would think it reasonable of her to consider that you do have children and that your priority is most likely to be them, not faffing around after her. I hope you can be happy for her and enjoy her day with her.

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 16:16:30

"Bridesmaids are unmarried traditionally."

grin

I think the virginal bride's attendants thing is a bit of an anachronism.

TheFallenNinja Wed 13-Feb-13 16:20:10

This may be one of them occasions when it's right to be gracious in spite if your disappointment.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 13-Feb-13 16:25:03

I wouldn't take it to heart. I only had my sister when I got married. She had me and my DCs as little attendants. But she'd been a BM 5 times in total before she married. She couldn't really choose everyone she'd been BM for it would have been a bit crazy. Plus some other even closer friends might have been upset. So the politic thing to do was just have immediate family. It didn't reflect how she felt about any of her friends smile

yaimee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:26:14

my dsis is getting married later this year and from the beginning she planned a very small wedding due to financial constraints, she asked me and 2 friends to be bridesmaid, ff to now and her dos sister is also a bridesmaid (although she is happy with this as she loves her) but also an extended member of dos family (7) who neither her or her dp have ever met but who asked (via grandmother) as she was excited and wanted to be involved, this led to all similar aged children from our side being asked to avoid upsetting them/parents/grandparents and now she has 8 bridesmaids, a page boy and a 7 yr old usher! She isn't unhappy with any of this, but it just shows how this type of thing can snowball due to family politics. And of course there is the added danger of those not asked being more upset now th bridal party is bigger as it seems as though dsis has asked everyone and their dog to an outsider!

AThingInYourLife Wed 13-Feb-13 16:27:09

Of course you must be gracious.

But if you feel differently about your friendship now and prefer not to have her as a godparent to your child, that is completely fair enough.

She'll never even know.

Greypuddle Wed 13-Feb-13 16:29:35

I go with the unmarried bridesmaid idea. That's meant to be the whole point and why people say 'always the bridesmaid, never the bride' comes in. You're supposed to be completely desperate to get married so that you don't have to be 'just' a bridesmaid any more. Yes, it's totally old-fashioned now, but then so are most wedding traditions.

THERhubarb Wed 13-Feb-13 16:29:36

Look, you are upset and that is understandable. It's nothing to do with tit-for-tat and more of a realisation that whilst your friend might be your best friend, you are not hers.

I'm sure it isn't deliberate on her part and like someone said, she probably thinks you have enough with the baby although I think that she should have at least told you about it rather than let you find out through someone else.

However you are a part of her big day and you are invited to the hen do. Do go and I'm sure you will meet plenty of her other friends who are similarly miffed that she hasn't asked them to be bridesmaids either. She's probably one of those annoyingly popular people who is surrounded by a posse of best friends.

As for the role of Godmother, well think very carefully about that. I don't know my Godmother or Godfather and I think that's a real shame. I would have liked for them to have stuck around. As a teenager I really needed someone on my side and that's where they could have helped.

I chose the Godparents for my two very carefully. I wanted people who I knew would still be around in 15-20 years time (to the best of my knowledge anyway). People who would take an interest in my children growing up and who would be there for them.

So choose wisely. You don't want to choose a friend who will swan off in 5 years time never to be heard of again. Choose someone who has already supported you through hard times, who has shared their life and all its ups and downs with you. These are the kind of loyal friends (or even family) who deserve the role of Godmother, not the popular girl from school.

THERhubarb Wed 13-Feb-13 16:32:37

(I chose my married best friend to be my Maid of Honour. I didn't have bridesmaids so she couldn't be Chief Bridesmaid and as we were both in our late twenties, the title Maid of Honour seemed more befitting somehow. I wouldn't have had it any other way, she was (is) my best friend and I wanted her to have a huge part in my day so tradition could go and sit on shitty stick for all I cared. Tradition could never replace a best friend)

Feminine Wed 13-Feb-13 16:48:26

YANBU.

God knows why she did it. Its something you will just have to chalk up as a quirk of hers You would be more strange not to feel fed up!

I suppose its up to you if you go to the Wedding or/and just let this friendship die!

popcornpaws Wed 13-Feb-13 16:49:21

YABU. childish and petty. It is her choice.

atacareercrossroads Wed 13-Feb-13 16:51:11

Is this an episode of Friends??

KenLeeeeeee Wed 13-Feb-13 16:55:08

YABU to dwell on it & consider retaliating by not choosing her as godmother to your dd, although I can understand you feeling momentarily hurt.

My SIL (H's sister) was one of my bridesmaids (MIL insisted hmm ) but there wasn't even a mention of me being hers when she got married. In all fairness to her, I was gigantically pregnant at her wedding though!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 13-Feb-13 17:08:02

You probably are BU but it IS really hard. Some people have been very harsh in their replies.

I would most likely feel the same as you but equally wouldn't say anything and I'm not a "loves dressing up girly girl" at all.

I felt equally unreasonably upset when our lifelong friends adult Dd did not choose our Dd to be her bridesmaid despite the fact that her Dds were bridesmaids at our civil partnership and have been an important part of all our lives for many years. HOWEVER, I didn't say anything as I do understand how difficult it can be planning a wedding and I knew I was being a bit pathetic! It still upset me though!

I daresay some people could have wanted to be my bridesmaids - I had five female cousins, for example - but I chose my very capable and lovely best friend. And her fiance married us (he is a vicar).

She didn't ask me back, not least because she has two sisters, but I was very touched that she asked me to sing over the signing of the register instead. She didn't have to; she chose to; I took it very seriously.

Neither of us is godparent to the other's children (we have two sons each).

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't one choose godparents for the benefit of one's children's spiritual development, and not to reward our friends?

daisydee43 Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:22

Gotta love mumsnet, great argument! I would absolutely love to be bm and dress up as I love all that. I chose my bms because I value them so much as friends and it was lovely to have them with me on the morning. I feel a bit excluded as we had such a laugh picking out hen do stuff etc and she even made all my invites and did a reading so was very involved. All she has asked so far was to come to an invite making eve which was too late in eve cos dd was tiny then. I am seeing her next week and I hope she doesn't ignore the issue! smile

Sugarice Wed 13-Feb-13 17:16:12

I have never been a Bridesmaid, ever < sad face >

Don't be bitter even though you are hurt.

Enjoy the day regardless and don't get pissed on the hen night and blurt out how you feel!

Sugarice Wed 13-Feb-13 17:16:51

X post!

FunnysInLaJardin Wed 13-Feb-13 17:18:03

you can't be a bridesmaid if you're married. BTW I didn't have my friend as my MOH when I had been her BM. She mostly likely HATED me forrit

whyno Wed 13-Feb-13 17:20:48

YANBU to feel a bit hurt, I would too. I'm quite surprised people think that's strange. You do have to get over it though as weddings are just like that.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 13-Feb-13 17:21:20

I hate being a bridesmaid. I don't like people looking at me, Personally I would be thrilled to be excluded.

ComposHat Wed 13-Feb-13 17:31:02

I can understand being a bit miffed, but being a bridesmaid always looks like a shite gig. Be thankful that you've dodged that bullet and not had to dress up in some horrorshow frock that she's picked out.

LegoAcupuncture Wed 13-Feb-13 17:39:10

YANBU to feel upset, and I can see why as well. If she was not wanting to have you as a bridesmaid she should have at least had the common courtesy to tell you so.

Feel for you, have been in a similar situation with a friend.

If it is really acting you,my ok would mention it to her, not in a demanding way, but in a "Maybe I misunderstood out friendship" sort of way.

Jojobump1986 Wed 13-Feb-13 17:42:18

It is hurtful when it seems like someone who is important to you makes you feel that they don't think you're important to them. My MOH & DH's best man got married a few years after us & neither of us was asked to be involved at all. At my brother's wedding my little sister & 2 nieces were all bridesmaids & DH was an usher. I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid because I 'had a 1yo to look after' & DH didn't?! & because I was married. I'd have loved to have someone who'd recently got married as a bridesmaid for me - they could've been really helpful. Instead of being a bridesmaid I was 'asked' to sort out the party bags for all the children because, apparently, spending months agonising over what a dozen children I've never met would find entertaining enough to keep them quiet & spending money I can't afford to is something I'd 'enjoy'. I spent the day before & the morning of the wedding doing all the little jobs that needed sorting, without any of the bridesmaids/ushers helping. I wasn't even in any of the photos taken on the day except for the big family group one where you can just about see me in the sea of 50 odd faces. I got no thanks whatsoever for all the effort I put in making their day special for them except from one mum who appreciated the toys I'd got for her child.

Yes, it's hurtful when people make you feel underappreciated. Being a bridesmaid isn't about dressing up. It's a recognition of the people who are important to you & it hurts to be left out of that.

AlphaAndEcho Wed 13-Feb-13 18:02:38

YAsoNBU ! I agree with pp who said it shows that you are not as important to her as she is to you . And I wouldn't have her as godmother either .

Sorry if this has been asked but who are her moh/bms ?

AlphaAndEcho Wed 13-Feb-13 18:10:37

And posters who are saying being a bm is only about dressing up - it is sooo much more than that it's an honour to be asked as a bm (sorry if I've made you feel worse opsad)

newgirl Wed 13-Feb-13 18:17:49

Am I alone in thinking having bridesmaids is bonkers? Sure it's nice to have children dressed up, but adults? I didn't have them at all as i have lots of female friends - they are not ranked in order of who is 'best' 'oldest' etc

Mawgatron Wed 13-Feb-13 18:21:25

This is exactly why I only had one bridesmaid/maid of honour- my only sister. I have far too many lady friends and didn't want to choose between them/leave any of them out so to solve the problem I left them all out. They all understood completely (after a little bit of whining behind my back I'm sure!). I would never expect them to ask me to be their bridesmaid in return, but I understand how you feel.
Luckily, I was the first to get married so I didn't offend anyone too badly...

farmersdaugther Wed 13-Feb-13 18:27:48

I understand OP. I had my BF as my bridesmaid when I got married, she return the favour when she got married. However I did not participate as a bridesmaid because I was heavily pregnant and she told me she didn't want a pregnant / fat bridesmaid. shockshock

I went to the wedding as a guest and had a truly brilliant day. No running around after the bride, no dealing with her mother etc etc. Go, have fun and be thankful that you don't have to 'deal' with all the stuff that comes with being a bridesmaid.

ps) I was going to ask my friend to be my DD godmother, but after being too 'fat' to participate her her special day. We didn't.

MummytoMog Wed 13-Feb-13 18:39:17

I had four bridesmaids. Three of them are married. I wasn't a bridesmaid. I'm not likely to be my maid of honour's bridesmaid if/when she gets married as the relationship has changed in ten years. I am pissed off about it tbh, as I will now never be a bridesmaid. Which kind of sucks. So YANBU.

M0naLisa Wed 13-Feb-13 18:42:17

This happened to me sad

My best friend was my Chief Bridesmaid over my sister. We always said she'd be mine and i'd be hers.

I got married in 2006, small wedding 2 bridemaids registry office and sit down hot buffet meal in a pub.

She got married in 2010 and had her 3 sisters as bridemaids, oldest sister been chief bridesmaid.

I was a witness instead. it upset me but at least they asked me to be part of the wedding. Still upset today about it tbh sad I wish id have chosen my sister to be my chief bridesmaid now sad

YouOldSlag Wed 13-Feb-13 18:50:51

I am completely going against the grain here, but it sounds really childish to me.

I've been married twice and never had bridesmaids. What is the point of choosing dresses and having lots of other people fussing about hair and shoes in your wedding day?

My wedding day was about getting married, not about matching dresses and who was my MOH and my BM etc. None of my friends were offended as they were all treated equally.

The fact that the OP is thinking of NOT choosing her friend as Godmother after this makes me wonder kind of grounds Godmother was chosen on.

I've heard more maturity from my 6 yo's tales from the playground. last week his best friend was only his second best friend, but now last week's second best friend is his fourth best friend.

This is what the OP sounded like to my ears!

OP YABU.

BookFairy Wed 13-Feb-13 19:04:21

I think YAB a bit U. I was the only bridesmaid for my sister and it was lovely. However, she has decided that she will be my "maid of honour" if/when I get married hmm The bride is probably under pressure from all sides to keep everyone happy. I won't be having any bridesmaids as it seems too much like hard work dealing with the drama!

NopeStillNothing Wed 13-Feb-13 19:21:39

I've never heard the tradition of only having unmarried bridesmaids! shock

Two of mine were married mind you I also had 5 bridesmen so am hardly one to be consulted on marriage traditions
What's the deal with the 'matron of honour' then? I thought that was the traditional name for a maid of honour that was married?

YouOldSlag Wed 13-Feb-13 19:23:54

I won't be having any bridesmaids as it seems too much like hard work dealing with the drama!

in a nutshell!

Pickles101 Wed 13-Feb-13 19:38:31

YAB massively U. Get over yourself.

Stepawayfromthesweeties Wed 13-Feb-13 19:38:58

I'm not having any bridesmaids as I want to avoid all this kind of hassle (also not having ushers, best man and still to decide if I actually want a white dress, I think this may just tip my mother over the edge). DH (I call him this even thought were not getting hitched until next year) are more interested in cementing our little family and having the day we want rather than trying to please everyone else. One of my best friends assumed that she would be a bridesmaid and my very blunt DH informed her that we weren't have any so tough luck, oops!!!! I have a massive family (more than 50 cousins) so imagine the nuclear fall out when all the relatives find out we're only having 30 guests grin. Everyone's different though and I can see why you would be a bit miffed, if she is a really good friend try to not let it ruin what is/was a great friendship

elliejjtiny Wed 13-Feb-13 19:42:08

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times as a child and loved it but I wouldn't want to do it now. Seems like too much hard work and I hate the idea of someone else telling me what to wear. I didn't ask any of the brides I'd been a bridesmaid for to be my bridesmaids. The first one had died, the 2nd one was my witness and the 3rd one I had her DD as my flower girl. Since I got married 2 of my bridesmaids have got married. I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid either time thank goodness for that but that's fine. I didn't ask them assuming I would be theirs.

aldiwhore Wed 13-Feb-13 19:45:54

YABU. You are.

My oldest dearest friend was one of my bridesmaids, I didn't have a Maid of Honour but DH's best-almostasister-friend was Mate of Honour.

My oldest friend got married last year. I wasn't a bridesmaid. I wasn't asked. I didn't expect to be. Her two sisters were, and her 2 neices and one of her more up to date best friends... (ie., I don't see her a lot, I love her, but I'm not involved in her day to day life as we live quite far apart).

I was HAPPY for her.

Sorry but I've no time for this whole princess 'you owe me a horrible dress' saga. If she was your true best friend and you knew each other well enough, you'd understand.

You can dictate your own day but you shouldn't think that the 'favour' or honour will be returned. I was honoured to be invited to her wedding.

Sorry. You're allowed to feel a bit miffed, you're allowed to wish she would have asked you, you're allowed feelings. You're also allowed to be petty and withdraw the title of Godmother from your list of things to honour her with. Sometimes you just have to accept that different people do different things and its not all about you and your feelings. I has a wonderful day at my dearest friends wedding.

angeltulips Wed 13-Feb-13 20:18:05

Ha ha @ whoever said "well, you know who won't be the godmother to your child!". As if anyone in the history of the world would give an actual flying fuck whether or not they were made godmother to one of their friend's children. I inwardly groan whenever I am asked as it usually just means I have to act as a cash cow for the next 15 years.

OP - understand you are hurt, but please don't be. I had this problem when I got married - one friend basically had a complete strop. Inhave 3 sisters and have been a bridesmaid 11 times (not including my sibs) so something had to give. YABU.

Mia4 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:22:19

YANBU to be upset, you can't help your emotions.

YWBBU to ruin her celebrations by voicing this opinion at the moment though. I know when i got engaged, one friend who I was bridesmaid for in the past was upset hadn't done everything i could- brought her dirnks, dinner, sent her a letter- to 'soften the blow' of not being a bridesmaid. I'd only been upfront and honest that I would have love to but was on a tight budget and had to have my younger family members so could have few adults. A few hours after she found out, face to face with me at lunch, she rang me up and gave me an ear bashing, making me feel guilty and accusing me of loving her less and not returning the 'favor'.

Truth was and is I closer to my best friends, which she knew before hand anyway.These friends are close to me, they've been there for me. I was surprised she asked me because while we're good friends we aren't really close, often she seems happy to get me off the phone asap when i call her for a chat-and this was prior to the engagement. Also i had to have, for family diplomacy, my two nieces and sister and given the shit my sister had been through having something else to focus on made her very happy.

My friend completely ruined my happy 'i can't believe i'm actually engaged moment', she made it all about her and basically told me she felt i owed her for the dress she brought me, she made it all about her standing up there in the Bridesmaid dresses. She didn't want to support me or be there for me, she just wanted me to buy her a nice dress while my other adult bridesmaids actually want to be there for me as a friend, person and when it comes to getting married.

I haven't and doubt i will ever forgive her for ruining that time for me. I felt sick, ill, like a bad friend and barely slept.

I would never expect my bridesmaids to ask me back, nor do i expect anyone else to. You don't give to receive, you give because you want to share with your nearest and dearest. I know that it hurts sometimes when you aren't nearest and dearest but you have to be a bit practical sometimes-if i had all my close friends I'd have 9 more Bridesmaids.

Apparently being part of the Bridal party wasn't enough for my friend also, I had asked said friend to do a reading for me but this was a 'cop out' because 'she wanted the dress'. Sometimes, sadly, it's all about people wanting to e that center of attention.

I'm not saying you're like that OP, but your last line makes me wonder I have to admit. Like my friend you feel you are owed and seem to want to punish her for not 'paying up'. If she wouldn't make a good GM don't make her one but it is petty as i'm sure others have told you. Your emotions aren't, your last line is.

Lafaminute Thu 14-Feb-13 20:29:21

I didn't chose anyone for whom I had been bm to be mine - and the friend I did have as my one and only bridesmaid did not ask me to be any part of her wedding party and I didn't even go in the end - only because of babysitting/travel reasons but also because I didn't feel she needed me at her wedding in the way that I needed her! She was a great bm and a good choice but she had different priorities for her wedding and I was not one of them - no bother and no offence to me. I fel that the significant connection had been made - would it be the same then if s'one asked you to be god,other would you feel obliged to ask them back????

natwebb79 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:39:26

I have been chief bridesmaid or whatever it's called for about five people. This is why my fiancé and I are buggering off to a registry office with two (as yet unchosen!) witnesses.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 14-Feb-13 21:18:16

Natwebb, there was a gorgeous thread on here a year or two ago when a couple of MNers were witnesses to a fairly last minute wedding. One to think about smile?

pigletmania Thu 14-Feb-13 21:54:33

I will go against the grain and say YANBU and quite rightly are hurt. It kind of tells you that she des not value you as a friend as much as you do her

Tryharder Thu 14-Feb-13 21:57:18

Good Lord, if there was ever an argument for eloping to Gretna Green, this thread would be it!

olympicsrock Thu 14-Feb-13 22:03:44

I would react exactly the same as you in the same position.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 14-Feb-13 22:14:55
Mumblepot26 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:46:13

I am not sure it is about her feelings not being reciprocated. I think it's about different dynamics, everyone has different family/friendship set ups, some people have large social groups, some don't. As someone from a big Irish/catholic family and friends on two continants, I had a lot of people to choose from, in the end I chose my sister, as it was the politically and financially the best decision. However i would hate to think that anyone would interpret the love I have for all my other friends and family as any less.

twinklestar2 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:59:08

Yanbu. I'd be hurt too.

JohnSnowsTie Fri 15-Feb-13 00:03:11

My childhood best friend asked me to be her bridesmaid before she was even engaged. Then after she got engaged she asked someone else instead. I understood in that I'd long since moved out of the area and this other friend was local, but I can't deny I was hurt and felt friendship had been undermined. Never said anything though. I felt stupid for feeling hurt, iyswim.

Situation wasn't helped by the fact that the bridesmaid made me feel very unwelcome on the day, when I tried to make polite conversation. Still, I felt better about it for a) shutting up and b) being friendly to BM!

Bogeyface Fri 15-Feb-13 00:09:41

H upset alot of people when we got married as he couldnt ask all the grooms he had been best man for to be his best man. It was well into double figures and even he cant remember exactly how many!

He had 4 (count 'em!) best men and none of them were "his" grooms. It was the only way he could do it, and it happened that they were his best friends. One had got married abroad and didnt have a BM, 2 weren't married and the last one had had one of the others as his BM after much soul searching and said later he wished he had done what H did and had all 3 of the men he had to choose from!

I would be gutted too, my own sister didnt choose me because.....she was a bitch...but at the end of the day, her wedding, her choice.

MsMarple Fri 15-Feb-13 00:24:06

Goodness me what on earth do you want to be a BM, let along MoH, for anyway? Normal guests get to choose their own clothes and enjoy the day without stress :0)

When I got married the people I'd bridesmaided for were married (obviously!) with children. I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids for me because I love them dearly, and knew they had better things to do with their time than mess around looking for matching dresses with me!

Salmotrutta Fri 15-Feb-13 00:32:15

My oldest friend was one of my BMs

She didn't ask me back.

I was forced to cut her out of my life forever and ever. It was tragic. I have never recovered.

Salmotrutta Fri 15-Feb-13 00:33:32

In fact, if I "did" Facebook I'd most prolly post inane crap about it.

obtuseone Fri 15-Feb-13 07:50:32

YANBU

It is hurtful when you realise that someone that you value greatly as a friend doesn't place the same value on their friendship with you.

I wouldn't say anything, however I would re-prioritise her friendship within your life. Don't be as accommodating towards her, and don't tell her anything important. Treat her more as you would an acquaintance or a friend you're not close with.

TomDudgeon Fri 15-Feb-13 08:05:47

I too felt hurt by my bridesmaid who only invited us to the evening party (I suspect as reserves) when she lived the other side did the country and I had young children. It hurt but I've tried to move on. I'm still friends with her and its just something that's going to bug me without anyone else (part from you lot) knowing

What hurt more was my best friend not even inviting me. What hurt even more than that was her dh had already asked my dh to be his best man and then they got married only mentioning it to us in passing a couple of days before. I know we had a baby the week before but dh could still have gone and in fact I would have to the service. Again I try to move on, I don't mention it, we're friends though not as close and they are a couple often children's god parents. Still bloody hurts though

And I have never been a bridesmaid, and now doubt I ever will so when even those I thought were as close as you could get eschew me it rally does hurt (not that I want to be a bridesmaid, just thought I was important to them)

MrsMushroom Fri 15-Feb-13 08:08:40

My best friend of twenty years chose her DH to be's ex to be ger maid of honour.. they had been friends for a long time too and there was no bad blood between them. I was hurt for a nanosecond and then I realised it was a political move....designed to keep things sweet for them all....her step dd was bridesmaid and her Mum maid of honour....step DD was happy as her Dad got remarried. That was all that mattered really.

TomDudgeon Fri 15-Feb-13 08:12:57

Oh and my best friend refused to be my bm. I had even allowed her to choose whatever she wanted to wear in case it was that. I was fine with her refusal after being initially upset (we had always promised each other prior) ands all was ok until she agreed to be another friends bm. This has really got me wondering what I did wrong as she was fine with me
In every other way.
I need to go and do and get off this thread as its reminded me how bloody lonely I feel. Even with people who are supposed to care

GirlOutNumbered Fri 15-Feb-13 08:17:11

Hello OP,
As usual people can't help being a bitch on these things. Don't jeorrynabout that, it is natural to feel a bit out out. My best friends came into my life later on, from work. So whilst they are my closest friends, they also have a circle of friends from school and uni. I didn't have bridesmaids at my weddings because I had a very small affair, but I did have certain people at a more private celebration. I would and have completely understood when I am not in the closest circle at other friends wedding, this is just the way life is.

Try not to let it worry you, she probably feels bad about it. You need to think about if you are going to be close forever before you choose godparents. I am godmother to a friend from school child, but we are barely in touch anymore.

ZenNudist Fri 15-Feb-13 08:17:20

YABVVVU do not broach this with your friend. Be nice about the hen do, it's not the MoH's fault and difficult enough to organise without people being snarky.

Your attitude tells me your friend has made the right choice. Friendship is not contingent on roles and favours but on how well you get on. The whole godmother thing is a red herring but it's your prerogative to choose someone else if you think this friend isn't right for the job.

You're allowed to feel hurt, just don't show it!

GirlOutNumbered Fri 15-Feb-13 08:18:52

Sorry about post, it was a quite a fail in terms of autocorrect!

nellyjelly Fri 15-Feb-13 08:23:13

Weddings create such tensions. Instead of simply being a nice day they become these big, usually expensive productions with lots of associated personal politics.

Hate weddings for that reason. I have been to loads. Only a BM once and so called bf treated me terribly. Never again.

Forget it and just enjoy the day as a guest.

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