to query this nursery teacher disciplining DD2?

(43 Posts)

DD2 is 3 and attends school nursery 5 days a week for 2.5 hours every day. I'm the first one to admit she is hard to handle and doesn't always listen but I use time out with her and she is starting to understand there are consequences to her actions.

Another parent stopped me in the playground after drop off today and told me she had a stay and share session and that she didn't like the way a particular teachef dealt with DD2s behaviour. The children were picking library books to take home and were sitting in the circle time area. DD2 wasn't sitting still and was getting up to look at what books other children had. The teacher in question was apparently quite harshly telling her to sit down and was getting more and more annoyed with DD2 the more she kept doing it. She then got up, marched over to her, grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down to the front.

Posted too soon.

I know DD2 needed told but surely there are better ways than manhandling her? I'm furious.

Should I ask her about what happened? I'm close to writing a letter to the headmaster.

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 10:10:18

Grabbing and pulling children is never ok, unless you are pulling them out of danger (I say this as a nursery teacher by the way!).

I would definitely query it with the teacher/head. I would ask if the school has a safe/positive handling policy.

Sirzy Tue 12-Feb-13 10:11:04

Ask what happened. It could easily have been taking her hand and 'enc

I'm in Scotland btw if that makes any difference to how I would deal with it, what authority I would go to.

Sirzy Tue 12-Feb-13 10:11:36

Ask what happened. It could easily have been taking her hand and 'encOuraging' her to go to where she needed to be.

Sugarice Tue 12-Feb-13 10:12:02

Go in and ask the teacher how your dd is doing, is her behaviour giving her cause for concern and take it from there.

Is this other Parent someone you know well?

You need to find out exactly what happened. For all you know she could have just held her by the hand and firmly walked her to her chair. Totally different than man handling her.

TotallyBS Tue 12-Feb-13 10:12:25

It's a bit of a non-event as far as I am concerned. Your DC ignored repeated requests to sit down. What was the teacher to do?

Thanks sam. Safe and positive handling, will remember that.

Yes, I do want to go in and ask the teacher about it, in a non confrontational way. Just ask how she is getting on.

I know the other parent okish I suppose, i know she already has issues with the care the nursery gives. I've had no issues so far.

See if she already has issues with the nursery she is going to exaggerate the situation.....

Yes go in and speak to someone and ask exactly what happened.

Sugarice Tue 12-Feb-13 10:17:55

Take what the parent said with a pinch of salt, she may be stirring the pot.

Flobbadobs Tue 12-Feb-13 10:18:18

One persons manhandling isn't always the same as another's. speak to the teacher first then go from there.

mercibucket Tue 12-Feb-13 10:18:29

is this other parent a stirrer? perhaps suggest she speaks to the head about what she saw. my guess is she will then back down, but if she was genuinely worried shevwould do it
definitely ask if theres anything you can do to improve your dds behaviour tho

DeWe Tue 12-Feb-13 10:19:00

If she has issues she's going to see it all in that light.
Like if someone irritates you you find everything they say annoying even when you agree with them really.
She may also want you to come and join her in complaining.

Totally, yes I acknowledge that DD2 was misbehaving and ignoring requests to sit down, I'm not disputing that something needed done. I've just never had to deal with anything like this before, DD1 was fine at the same nursery with the same teachers.

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 10:20:06

Usually schools have safe/positive handling policies in place for dealing with children who have behavioural issues and may need to be moved or restrained for their or other children's safety. Usually teachers should not be physically intervening with children (3+, obviously it will be different in daycare settings with babies/toddlers) because they are annoying them or not doing as told. I'm sure if you ask about their policy on handling children they will tell you that they definitely don't physically grab or move children.

Very true about the other parent having a tainted view about the nursery, I never thought of it that way, thank you. Like I say I have never had an issue with the nursery before and now I have some outside opinions on the situation I've went from furious to a bit puzzled!

Lovelygoldboots Tue 12-Feb-13 10:28:43

Some parents will stir for their own reason. You should of course talk to teacher but don't take other parents word as gospel. If you have not had previous issues with teacher then I wouldnt read too much into what other parent said. Don't make her issues your problem.

jamdonut Tue 12-Feb-13 10:29:19

Sounds like she is trying to get you on side if she already has an axe to grind. Children do get moved sometimes,usually by taking them by the hand and moving them to a spot nearer the teacher. It is not usually forbidden to do that. If a child refuses to go then you wouldn't keep pulling,and you would have to try another tack, but most children will go compliantly when you take their hand.

And as for speaking harshly...sometimes it is necessary. No amount of gentle "please stop doing that" is going to stop some children. As long as it is not continual . Do you not think staff can get exasperated sometimes? Do you not ever get exasperated,especially if you are sending her to time out?

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 10:37:11

Would it be worth going in and having a chat with them about dd in general, rather than about one incident.

You say she can be difficult to manage at home - why not talk to them about this, and develop a policy for both home and school so you are both dealing with things the same way.

That gives them an opportunity to discuss what they are finding difficult, and for you to come up with solutions.

You could also have a day in there yourself, and observe how she is.

If you had no problems with dd1 there, I would take what the other mum says with a pinch of salt unless your dd herself is having difficulties - is she happy enough to go in the mornings? Is she ever upset when you collect her?

RubyGates Tue 12-Feb-13 10:37:29

Did she move your child because she was about to stand on another child who was sitting down nicely?

If she had been asked repeatedly to sit down and was ignoring the instruction then that's one thing. If she was endangering the other children who were listening and sitting, what was the teacher supposed to do in the end?

I think you need to know more about the situation.

In our tiny library it only takes one non-listening child to cause chaos for all the others; while I wouldn't condone harshly grabbing a child as a matter of discipline, if the child was about to be injured or injure someone else I wouldn't hesitate to remove them and discuss the proper way to behave in a library afterwards.

ppeatfruit Tue 12-Feb-13 10:39:00

spongebob I have no axe to grind; but I must say as an EY teacher that i've seen some very unpleasant and unnecessary disciplining by some nursery teachers. Your DD is only 3 FFS. I would talk to her and see how she is when going in to the nursery. Does she like it?

Smartiepants79 Tue 12-Feb-13 10:40:44

Also, has your daughter mentioned it at all? Did it bother or upset her? I would be more concerned about it if this was the case. As a primary school teacher I do occasionally 'move' children by taking their arm or holding on to the sleeve of a jumper. With some children it is necessary if they are in a little world of their own or being particularly stubborn.
Speak calmly to the teacher and see if you are happy with what she says. If not take it further.
If you have never had issues before I would take it with a pinch of salt.
Are you able to have a stay and share session?

Absolutely jamdonut, DD2 is frustrating sometimes and I find myself saying things through gritted teeth! And I can totally see her compliantly going when she has been taken by the hand so maybe that's what's happened. Even though she persists in misbehaving if the teacher took her by the hand and sat her down she would have sat there and not moved (I hope). Also, yes I would expect them to speak to her firmly. I fully support teachers disciplining if need be, was just shocked to hear that DD2 was possibly grabbed.

It seems out of character for this teacher because she's always seemed to have a soft spot for DD2, just last week she rebraided her hair for her when it was coming loose.

Feel a lot calmer now, will have a quick chat with the teacher when I pick DD2 up. Thank you everyone.

Cassarick Tue 12-Feb-13 10:44:13

When you use time out does your DD go on her own, or do you have to 'take' her?

ppeatfruit Tue 12-Feb-13 10:49:40

All DCs are different just because one child is happy in a class with a certain teacher doesn't mean the next one will be.

I've had a stay and share session before Christmas and everything seemed fine. DD2 loves nursery and is very happy to go in and always happy when I collect her.

I wouldn't say she has behaviour issues, once I have put her in time out she apologises and does as she is told. I am worried about her concentration sometimes but she is only 3 so not making an issue of it just yet. She can sit fine at the cinema, listen to and eneage with a story book, she is just very figety and her mind can wander off!

Sorry, meant to sat she hasn't mentioned anything about it.

Wrt to time out sometimes I have to take her but most times she will go when told and stay there until I take her out, depending on how stubborn she is that day.

Excuse the typing and appauling spelling, am on a tablet, must proofread before posting!

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 10:55:08

it may not have been so dramatic as you were told sometimes people see things a bit different ask the nursery what happened dont listen to second hand stories as gospel but do say what you heard, ask them

Cassarick Tue 12-Feb-13 10:56:53

So when she is 'stubborn' YOU take her to time out. That's JUST what the teacher did, isn't it, as she was obviously being stubborn and not listening?

This really is a non-event, you know.

cassarick, yes, but I didn't see it as a non event when I was told. I'm leaving to get her in a minute, really in two minds about mentioning something now, feel like a right idiot for getting so riled up!

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 11:09:35

There is a big difference between gently moving/guiding a child (I would always say "can you move over here yourself, or do you need me to help you?") and grabbing/pulling. Like ppeat I have also seen some poor practice in terms of physically intervening with children, so it does happen especially when adults get irritated or frustrated.

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 11:12:02

You aren't an idiot, you are concerned.

You can have a general conversation about how she is getting on, without complaining that X said Y about Z.

Posting on here is good - it helps you think straight, not go barging in.

TotallyBS Tue 12-Feb-13 11:51:42

Dragging a child kicking and screaming is a serious event. Taking a child that isn't paying attention to your verbal instructions back to their place on the carpet isn't.

You are getting a lot of supportive posts from mums with DCs that have similar behavior problems. Isn't it time to start listening to parents who don't have these problems?

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 11:57:50

posting on here is good - it helps you think straight, not go barging in.

^ ^ this I agree nothing wrong in being concerned that your child may have been dragged by the arm but putting it into some sort of perspective and having a think and a rant is good, just ask how her behaviour is in general and see how it goes,

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 11:58:53

when I worked in nurseries we sometimes placed children to where they needed to be didn't drag them though

I had a word about it and her behaviour is good but her listening isn't so good, she even stated to me that she has removed her from situations where she hasn't listened and put her in time out. I'm satisfied that's what happened that day. She doesn't feel that she has any problems, just the listening and we have agreed that giving her warnings then removing her from the situation is the plan of action at nursery and home. She is starting to improve and take more of a telling now they said.

Thank you to everyone who posted, thank god for MN, I would have got angrier about it if I didn't discuss it with some impartial people beforehand.

Maryz Tue 12-Feb-13 12:20:08

That sounds good smile.

mrsjay Tue 12-Feb-13 12:23:02

It does sound positive and you and nursery are on the same page smile

ppeatfruit Tue 12-Feb-13 13:02:34

Yes IMO the fact yr. DD is happy to go there is all you need really. BUT it is very normal for 3 yr olds to not listen (they tend to be somewhere else in their minds) It's not naughty it's just developmental.

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