this is why i HATE facebook sometimes....feel so left out and pissed off (sorry for FB related aibu)(85 Posts)
its half term here, and i just found out - through
the evil FB, that 3 of my good friends and all their DC's are going on a day trip today (don't want to say where as may out me)
and they haven't asked me
and they have had the chance to because i have spoken to them all in the last few days...and its not for any reason like no room in the car or whatever as they are going on the train
i feel like i am back at school....DC's and i would have really loved to have gone with them. why haven't they invited us?
i feel like i can't ask any of them directly because i will look needy and stalkerish....as i have only found out about it via them all tagging eachother in multiple statuses about how soooo excited they are
we are all 30-something btw, not 16. i am sad
Go and do something else with your dc. Is anyone else being left out or is there anyone else you could go somewhere with with the kids?
Do that and then post plenty of happy pics on fb and hope that it rains where they have gone
Go on a trip with your DC's, make it fun and full of things, theres alot of reasons they didnt invite you, its a little bit tasteless blasting it all over FB.
So just take your DC's out for the day.
It doesn't matter how old we are, feelings of being left out in this way can still hurt as much as they did when we were young. Really off of them by the sounds of it, the multiple tagging is harsh, they must have known you would see it.
that's not nice. I'd have to have a word with whichever one of them you feel you either are closest to or are more likely to be honest! 'Have I done something, that trip looked good fun, is there any reason ds and I weren't invited?' Then depending on the answer decide whether to continue bothering with them!
YANBU... People tend to forget that FB is akin to shouting your news down the highstreet at times. I totally understand your upset, but it may not even have crossed their mind that you'd be upset.
That doesn't mean you're not a good friend, and yes, it would have been nice to have been asked.
I have a group of intermingled friends and we're always doing things with part of the group, or in pairs etc., Much as I love my BEST friend, I don't invite her to everything. So try not to take it too personally.
Don't be sad. If you're friends with them on facebook then you could mention it to them. They're not keeping it a secret if it's in a status update. Maybe they think you know about it and don't want to go since you haven't commented on their plans? Also, just because you are friends it doesn't mean you have to do everything together. If it's making you sad then you should mention it to them. There might be a perfectly innocent explanation. In the meantime, have these , cheer up and have a nice day with your dc.
Thats the bit that bugs me about FB, it makes people act so damn rude, even when they dont mean too.
Why are people so thoughtless about this sort of thing? Just why?
Oh I have had this and facebook makes it worse. Have a lovely day with your dc's on your own. Or ask someone else to come with you. I am sure they will ask you again but try and rise above it.
Yes find something really special to do with your DCs and forget about them.
Really why people have to do this sort of thing amazes me. Similar thing happened to me a few years ago- although they were a group of new friends we had known for about 3 months as we had just moved here. Only found out about it as my DDs best friend ( aged about 7) kept going on and on about why we weren't going with them! Apparently, her mum had told her "It's because we don't really know them very well".
Rise above it OP- don't let worrying about spoil the lovely day you could have with your DCs.
Ask why they didn't invite you then if you can suggest you meet them there.
I don't see a problem with ringing them and it certainly doesn't make you appear needy.
FB is a pain in the arse, and stops people having rl conversations!
IIWM and my friends I would just call and ask if I could come too, but that's me and I know that my friends would be fine with that (or they would just say so if they didn't want me to go).
You could always send a message saying how much fun it looks and you would love to come next time.
YANBU. There is no need for them to paste it all over Facebook. A group email between them would serve the purpose perfectly well and not cause hurt feelings. Why the need to boast about it on FB.
I would put on one of the status's - 'Oh yeah! Where's my invite?'
A bit tongue in cheek but meaning it - if you know what I mean?
YANBU to be upset but they may have their reasons.
I've had all this shit before, certain 'friends' engineering day trips/nights out etc including only the people they want to be there. What it boils down to is the fact they aren't friends at all so ditch them and move on.
Yes actually i think it would be fine to write under their posts. "That looks fun. I'd love to come next time." They should expect this since they announced it on FB for all to see.
What donderandblitzen says. Yanbu. It's hurtful when so-called friends behave like this. It's happened to me and I pulled back on that group and busied myself with other friends.
That's really mean, especially if they know you're likely to see it.
Find out why you weren't invited, you'll know where you stand then.
It's not needy or stalkerish to ask either, it's normal!
I left Facebook for this very reason....spent too much time feeling shit about myself because of other people.
Now, others still meet up without inviting me, but I am blissfully unaware!
It hurts moody, I know.
I hope you can manage to have a happy day with your dc. X
I hate leaving people out but sometimes I think life would be easier if i wasn't so conscious of it- I think I go too far! For instance- when it snowed I planned to meet a few friends up the park with their dc's but then text everyone else I thought might like it and although we had a great time I didn't really catch up with everyone as it was so busy. Sometimes things are more chilled out in a smaller group- doesn't mean I want to exclude anyone but where do you draw the line before you end up doing days out en masse?
YANBU to feel left out. Unfortunately the culture of spilling every detail of your life onto Facebook means that you know when you've been excluded in such a public manner. It also means that events probably gain a greater significance than they warrant because, quite reasonably, you can't do everything that everyone else you know is doing. However, if you didn't know you'd not care in quite the same way.
I'd avoid putting comments like "where's my invite then?" on FB in response though. That really will come across as rather needy. Also it broadcasts your own exclusion. Can you not phone one of the group and ask if you can come along?
that is just mean go somewhere with your children and dont think about it again it really isn't worth it, saying that I was meant to be going out with old friends a few months ago and they cancelled and the next night they posted pictures of a 'girls night out' they were on I was really hurt and i havn't contacted them again to arrange another night out .
I agree that 'where's my invite' is a bit PA but, if they're good friends, I think I might post (or even phone!) 'oh, that sounds fun, we're free today, mind if we come with you all?'
I think it's really mean of them. No wonder you are upset.
I have had similar where I was good friends with someone and introduced her to another friend of mine, and the next thing they are meeting up all the time for nights out, days out with the children, and shopping trips, and broadcasting it all over FB. It hurt and I did consider making comments on their statuses about how it would have been nice to be invited, but I decided against it as I didn't want to look needy. I think they probably were doing it to let me see that they were the best of friends and were having fun and that I wasn't! They also did things such as write on each others walls about how excited they were about a forthcoming night out/lunch. It made me realise how pathetic and nasty they both are. If I make plans with someone, FB walls are the last place I'd do it.
If I were you I'd cool it totally with those friends. Be polite if you see them, but just focus on other friendships. Yes you could approach one of them but you will risk looking needy and also chances are, if they do things like this, they will try to turn it around and make you into the problem instead , ie 'I can't believe you're so bothered because we went out for a day without you' rather than seeing things from your point of view.
In my experience, true friends don't do things like that. They are not worth it
I had similar when I took 2 close friends dd's and my dd's to see the new twilight last year.
The two dd's of my friends told me in the car on the way to the cinema that they were supposed to be going with their mums last night but when they received my texts (the mums were together at the time) they decided to save themselves the cost of going themselves and let me take them.
I could have cried, not sure what I felt worse about the fact they were planning on going without me and my dd's or that they were so open about letting me foot the bill.
30 years old and i still feel like a school girl when people do things like this to me (and I'm usually pretty choosy about who i befriend)
Bluemonkey, that is awful I hope they are now ex-friends!
That is so stupid of your friends. Do something fun with your DC's and keep your options open with other friends. You coud mention it too one of them in person but it depends on your relationship with them.
Maybe you could, at least, post sorting benign about your day on Facebook. Something like 'had a fun time in the park with the DC's ' It may jog your friends conscious.
Have a fun day
Bluemonkey, they sound horrid!
Moody, I wouldn't ask them about it but I would find some new friends... real friends don't leave you feeling glum .
DO you orgnaise things? Are they sick of having to include you when they get nothing back in return?
why dont you have more than three mates?
Belinda not being particularly pleasant or constructive, are you?
well she needs to wonder why this happened surely?
What a nasty post, Belinda.
OP hasn't said she only has 3 mates nor has she said she never arranges anything. It's not unreasonable that she would expect close friends to include her in an activity if the rest of that group of friends is going
Oh and Belinda, often there is no reason for some women acting like total bitches and acting as if they are back in the playground. As you've demonstrated with your posts on this thread.
you have choices
ask them why they left you out, and tell them you were hurt. give them the chance to answer
this is risky, but maybe worth doing
Or trim the bitches, delete them as FB friends, delete their numbers, and make wax dolls of them.
You see I agree with someone else that there comes a point that if you included every one you know in every activity it would become unworkable.
think the use of Fb is silly but she needs to Move on. Otherwise you DO regress to playground style over thinking
Belinda, no one is asking the OP's friends to include everyone they know. From what OP said there are a group of 4 of them that are close friends. The other 3 are going and she is not invited. Now that's not her friends being practical or limiting numbers, it's them excluding the OP and then seemingly rubbing it in her face by posting away about it on FB. If they want to exclude her or phase her out they could at least have the decency to not risk her finding out about their plans. Whatever they are doing, it's unfair on the OP and is upsetting.
people that post about days out on facebook (that others have not been invited too) are cunts anyway
people that send public messages to their BFFs (why not PM them?)
people that boast about their social life
people that boast
people that overshare
in face facebook is cunt city
OP, I meant to say earlier in the thread; I would make sure you organise something nice for you and your DCs for tomorrow. Maybe with another friend? A day trip out or lunch out somewhere or something like that. It will take your mind off things and cheer you up
"Sooo looking forward to my ladies-cocktails-night-out with "tagged Jayne Smith" and ""tagged Lula Fishburbe"....
FUCK OFF AND DIE
i defriend people for this shit
Write -'have a lovely time! Can we come next time?'
fromparistoberlin, that is exactly the type of blurb that my so-called friends used to put on there (have now defriended them). One of them is a hairdresser and the other one would even tag her when she'd done her hair and say how lovely it was to catch up. They put it all over twitter too.
i think people that do this shit are actually quite sad and lonely and want to shiow everyone how amazing their life is
in fact people look at them and mutter "what a cunt" and defriend them. Tula, WELL RID
Hmmm on the fence here - we have a friendship group of 8 of us (all have DC) and we meet up one evening every week (adults only). Within the group some of us do things at holidays/weekends etc with 1 or 2 of the others. It's all on FB so not behind anybody's back. I do things with 2 women more than with others.
3 of them do more together and don't invite the others.
It has never been issue for me, we all have different levels of friendship and nothing is done purposefully to leave anyone out.
Are there just the 4 of you in this friendship group? Are your children very good friends with the other children or are you friends with the mothers?
unless they are total bitches they haven't tried to hide the fact they are all going out otherwise they wouldn't put it on FB.
I think you're right Paris, they want to show everyone how amazing their life is and how many friends they have, and how they can afford to go to all these places etc etc etc.
I think their FB friends fall into two camps; the likes of us that say 'what a cunt' and defriend them, and the type that is taken in by it and fusses and fawns over them
OP I would hurt too. Think I would be tempted to add a message along the lines of
"Sounds like fun - let us know if you are going again as me and the DC would love to go,"
on another note - what exactly do those of you who hate people saying messages like " can't wait for our cocktails tonight @friend1 + @friend2" think facebook should be used for, as practically everything that it can be used for seems to be deemed wanky
for witty statements, and photos of newborn babies
thanks for the
mostly kind replies
i am glad i am not being a jealous nutter - was pretty sure everyone would say i was
these women are not my ONLY mates, but (i thought anyway) they were good friends, we have known eachother a long time - between 5 and 15 years. so i feel like i have done something wrong
i dont think i can bear to ask them why though, i am too embarassed. however, today i have been for lunch with a couple of other friends, so i have just posted on facebook about that
and tagged the friends in it
It's mean to make it do public if its the sort of thing you would normally all go to together.
Although I'd probably be a bit PA and post asking if it was any good as I was thinking of taking the dc there.
Ooh, you see, I have a big group of friends around here, and we really can't do everything together. Usually what tends to happen is someone makes a throwaway comment in the playground, and it may get around to everyone, or it may not. Sometimes people text, sometimes they email, sometimes people FB (there's a group for the school's parents). I'm planning a bit of a day out with the children on Friday that ties into a topic they're doing at school, so put a general FB message out, but anyone who's not in that group won't have seen it. It's not in anyway malicious, just I don't want to send a message out in 4 different ways. As it is, there are already about 4 other families planning to come which already makes it quite a big group.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that friends don't do things to offend me.
And I do the FB tagging thing sometimes - not to make other people feel bad, but just because it's fun (I did it recently when I met some old school friends and thought other school friends may want to know we're still in touch. Not in a "we all met up but didn't include you" kind of way. Same as when I see other people on FB doing social things - we can't all do things together all the time.
Now i know my reply to why i am not on favebook - cos it's cunt city. Thanks to whoever gave me that brilliant description.
<wanders off mumbling about cunt city and smirking>
I had a similar experience when a friend put a picture of our close friends having lunch together in a swanky London hotel for a birthday and I couldn't stop myself writing "did our invite get lost in the post?" underneath in a PA way. Sorry you're feeling left out OP.
I would also post something like "cheers for the invite, mate". But then, I'm an arsehole and don't much stand for petty schoolgirl nonsense like this.
What did they reply munchkin?
Tit for tat? So teenagerish.
It was met with stone cold silence and never mentioned Nicolaeus
Or that they could care less.
I would ask them the reason why there wasn't an invite.
Is the DC similar ages
I recently had an experience of cunt city....friend of 20 years had birthday night out on Saturday,invited EVERYONE except me, including a girl we all fell out with 3 years ago for outrageously bad behaviour on a weekend away. There was lot of bad blood between them. Looked on freind of 20yrs fb age on Sunday & there's all the photos from sat night, including one of her with (ex) freind kissing her cheek!!
I texted her & told her how pissed off I was, her reason behind this shit? I'd gone out with another freind ONCE & not invited her!!!! FFS, that does NOT justify cruelty.
Deleted her off fb & blocked her. Just wish I could bleach her from my brain.
aww slovenly, what a biatch indeed
get a wax doll ??? and pins...
Fromparis I have to stop myself from plotting evil revenge!! Wish I could do SOMETHING to make me feel better.
They say the best revenge is living well, but she lives VERY well, surrounded by tons of ( fake) freinds, she's just got divorced, and has been plotting that for Years so is very happy. Loaded too. Bitch.
Moody if I were you, next time I saw one of them I'd say, "So you lot had a good time on __, huh?" In a friendly enough way. And then just wait. See what she says. She might go, "Oh, yes, sorry we couldn't invite you because ____ Shall we do something soon?!" And then you'll feel better. But if she doesn't say anything sensitive to how you might have felt about being excluded, drop them.
Why so much upset over this?
Sometimes I do things with a couple of friends, sometimes a slightly different mix, sometimes a bigger group and sometimes just one or two friends which can be different. My 'best' friend meets up with other people in our group without me. I meet up with people she is friends with without her. Otherwise you would always be doing something in a massive group and with the same people.
Is this ny normal behavious for girls over the age of 14?
Oh and I would have it in to open, because there isn't anything to hide. So I might well post on FB 'lovely meal with x' or 'looking forward to event with x, y and z tomorrow'. I would be more hurt if people kept events from me rather than being open about their plans.
Or, maybe they all think one of the others invited you? I'd put "Have fun " on it and try and assign less importance to them in future
The thing is, sometimes it is easier to do certain things with smaller groups. I have quite a lot of mum friends/ acquaintances I have met over the years at toddler groups, preschool, nct etc. Some of the friendships overlap, eg someone I know from nct might know one of my other friends because their kids went to nursery together. I do different things with different groups and can't invite everyone to everything, sometimes it boils down to the ages of the kids or what days people normally have off work.
I was momentarily hurt when I discovered 3 friends all took their kids to the panto together this xmas
while I was in DD's bad books for forgetting to book tickets until it was too late But I soon got over it- it is a pain in the arse to try to organise an outing for a big group, sometimes it's just easier to keep things small.
FB bragging sucks though!
I would also say something in person like others have suggested, something harmless.
I don't blame you for feeling like this. It's happened to me on the dreaded Facebook and it hurts when it's people you consider good friends. I wonder if your friendship means as much to them as if does to you?
YANBU for being hurt. If I were you I would call one who you feel the closest too and explain how you feel, that you know it may across as immature and you feel silly but you genuinely want to know if you have done something. It is spiteful and I find it hard to believe its not deliberate. But the deliberate maybe for a good reason - they thought you were way, or limited tickets etc.
I have had similar happen but not though facebook. I met two supposed friends for coffee. Friend X had pre warned me she wouldn't be able to stay long as she was off out that night. Friend Y turned up after being invited by friend X. She lived quite far from us which was the only reason she hadn't been invited in the first place as it has been a short notice and quick catch up type of thing. Friend Y had double booked so left early and just as we were going our separate ways I asked friend X what she was up to that night. She looked very awkward and said she was out with friend y. They had not said a word about it all the time we had been together and looking back I am pretty sure friend Y turned up just to stop friend X inviting me. They had clearly discussed it before they came as there was no mention of it even when they parted. Friend X has since told me it was friends Y's idea as it were but it changed my friendship with them forever. I occasionally see friend X but not Y at all. Sometimes its good these things happen as you can just move on from people. Reading back it sounds really juvenile and it happened 5 years ago but I still remember that stinging pain as I walked home and worked out what had happened.
I think i am going to have to ask one of them directly
its really bugging me and i am still upset about it one of them i have known since i was a teenager so i think i might get in touch with her...not in a confrontational way, but in the way samnella and some others suggested
and yeah southeastdweller thats what i am wondering. ie whether my friendship means as much to them as it does me. and it hurts.
and am sorry to hear so many of you have been through similar.....it appears some people just don't ever get past the type of behaviour most of us left behind in high school!
Phone and say "What did you think of <place>? Dc are desperate to go, but i don't know if it's worth the hassle"
Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I don't know, group outings can turn out quite fraught and 3 is not a good number.
Also often there is a difference in behaviour standards between different families and your DC's endearing fun loving behaviour could be someone else's devil child.
Don't assume what you are missing is a great success --- even if it looks that way on FB tomorrow, they aren't going to post that X was a grumpy cow and Y's DCs need throttled.
You are making assumptions.
This sounds like my experience with 2 of my friends - they socialise more with each other because both have DC (I don't have children); I've seen the photos on FB & try to be understanding but it still hurts at times.
Awww latara i had the same thing, when i was younger and hadnt had dc, and my friends all started having dc i found that they all started hanging out together and not asking me as much....i found out later that they thought i would find it boring being around them and their dc
which was actually true tbh
however things have changed now i have dc and we are closer than ever
its hard though when its all on fb though, at least fb didnt exist back then
in the mists of time pre having my dc
Are their DC much older than yours then?
If you have toddlers and theirs are bigger they might have wanted a trip tailored to the older kids?
Yeah that sucks.
It doesn't matter how many other friends you have or how mature you are, that hurt feeling from being left out is not nice.
The FB part of it makes it a bit of a statement too 'we are here, you are NOT'
You know the best thing is to rise above it, but it still smarts a bit.
Did you speak to your friend?
I'd be tempted to post something along the lines of
"Ooh sounds like you've got a nice trip planned - we would really love to come along
but have something much better planned
Another idea is to organise something and invite them all along - lead by example
FB is like that though. It brings out the " ooh, you saw Freind A on Tuesday, but I saw her on Wednesday for longer and we had loads more fun" in some (otherwise normal) people.
It's horrible, really, but best to either ask one/other/both directly (not on FB) or forget it.
hi southeast, no i have not said anything to any of them. i decided to leave it in the end. have had a really good half term doing lots with different friends so i am trying to focus on that rather than being (possibly) left out by the other friends
however, one of them (from the group who went on the trip without me) did text me yesterday just asking how i was and if i had a good holiday (was away last week with dh) and if i wanted to meet up soon ...to which i just sent a friendly reply back to her
oh and i so know what you mean amberleaf re fb tagging in places etc being such a statement of "we are here having LOADS of fun and you are NOT" it sucks
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