to think I should give my husband a new arsehole for thinking he actually lives in 1953?

(74 Posts)
MyPreciousRing Mon 11-Feb-13 23:14:05

My husband made a comment earlier that I should actually do all the house work as that is 'women's work'... He thinks that because he cooks and subsequently washes and dries that is his work done! I pointed out that I earn twice what he does but he thinks this doesn't make any difference as house work is woman's work! So I'd like to rip him a new arsehole, am I being unreasonable?

SirBoobAlot Mon 11-Feb-13 23:15:54

Surely you knew this before you married him?

But no, YANBU. Wanker.

Helltotheno Mon 11-Feb-13 23:16:33

YANBU. Just leave his shit there and do your own, ie all.. laundry, dishes etc. That'll larn 'im grin
Oh and.. just to add insult to injury, forget to flush after you've done a particularly odious dump.... oops smile

CSIJanner Mon 11-Feb-13 23:16:52

YANBU at all. Twat. Tell him that you can invoice him for his said idea that you do all the housework and work done, but unfortunately that would leave you with all of the household income and he would therefore effectively become your bitch.

MyPreciousRing Mon 11-Feb-13 23:24:35

Am getting him to read all replies - so ladies please up the ante on all vitriol and common sense! He doesn't seem to hear it when I say it! Maybe he will when it's an outside perspective.

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 23:34:14

If you earn more, pay for a cleaner to sort it all out.

Otherwise, when he's cooking, do some housework. When he stops, then you stop, too.

ThisIsANickname Mon 11-Feb-13 23:53:51

What cleaning do you actually do (your OP isn't clear if you do any housework, or if you do a fair share of housework). Without knowing that, it's impossible to say if you are actually being unreasonable.

The woman's work comment seems a bit silly...

My DH once 'jokily' said something about "blue jobs and pink jobs".

He was fucking GUTTED when I left the lawnmowing for him and his hayfever to do.... Unlucky!

Strangely there hasn't been any mention of blue or pink jobs since, joking or otherwise.

Rip him a new one!

MyPreciousRing Tue 12-Feb-13 00:08:35

He cooks and does a shit job of washing up afterwards. I do all washing, drying and putting away. Dusting, hoovering. ChanGing of beds and towels. Also he seems to develop a 'blindness' when he walks in rooms. Never ever sees shoes, take-away menus, junk mail, cans, bottles, glasses etc to put away.

BOF Tue 12-Feb-13 00:09:04

I don't think the cleaner suggestion really deals with the issue at root though, which is that he needs to pull his weight. There's no point subcontracting it to another woman (usually) when he needs to realise that he doesn't get a free pass on the day-to-day grind of cleaning up after yourselves just because his bits are danglier than yours.

thebody Tue 12-Feb-13 00:13:44

Why does it matter that you earn twice as much as him??? Who cares.

But he's a knob to say what is women's work!

You need to both employ a cleaner.

And maybe mature!!

ComposHat Tue 12-Feb-13 00:16:02

Of the op's husband thinks it is 1953, tell him they still had rationing in 1953 and certain activities will be subject to very severe rationing.

Tell him there's nothing sexier than a man pushing a hoover around. In fact, employ one of those hot guy cleaners that just wear a little apron and not much else grin

Lots of women in 1953 were on medication to deal with the shitness of their lives. Lucky for you we have easily available divorce now instead. Make the most of it.

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Feb-13 00:30:01

You've both come out with some pretty shit comments really.

Him 'It's women's work'

You 'I earn twice as much as you'

I think you two need to sit down and have a calm, adult discussion about this.

garlicblocks Tue 12-Feb-13 00:30:02

Why the bloody hell haven't you got a dishwasher? Machine, that is, not inefficient bloke.

Yanbu, obv. I like all the suggestions above. In particular, tools down for one means tools down for all. Except he's evidently doing a rubbish job of clearing up anyway, so you may as well finish your contribution as soon as he's served dinner.

Mr Ring, you are perilously close to total redundancy. You'd better be amazing in the sack, because there appears to be little practical value in your household contribution.

A couple is a TEAM, remember??!

Tallwiv, excellent idea grin

Anna1976 Tue 12-Feb-13 03:42:31

MrRing 1970s emancipation happened 40 years ago. Man up and deal with it. Also, women think men who do housework properly, without whining, are extremely sexy.

Mypreciousring Get a dishwasher - leaves a good hour in the evenings for making appropriate use of said sexy husband. Or at least just gets the washing up done properly for a change while you both sort out the laundry and clean up other stuff

sashh Tue 12-Feb-13 04:42:19

Leave the bastard.

Can't believe I'm the first to say it.

OP's husband

Seriously? How do you define 'women's work' - the jobs you don't like doing? The jobs that are beneath you?

Do you also want your wife's income to suddenly drop because she is a woman?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of discrimination?

I thought not. That's why you don't recognise it when you are handing it out.

Would you ever describe a job as 'black work' - no you wouldn't because we are not living in apartheid South Africa and because that would be racist.

Do you think that's being extreme? Well you are expecting your wife to behave like a SA maid in 1975, with the one exception, she is not being paid for the work.

Stop behaving like an entitled twat.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 12-Feb-13 04:51:44

So, he's clearly just taking the piss a bit, right....?

Someone you're married to doesn't just suddenly come out with a comment like that out of the blue, and actually mean it...

Women that are married to men who do think like this don't come on and start jokey threads. They tend to be exhausted, depressed, feel powerless, beaten down, like they have no options, at the end of their tethers and very, very, deeply unhappy - and that unhappiness literally comes out at you from their posts.

This thread, on the other hand, is just odd...!

50ShadesOfGreggs Tue 12-Feb-13 06:55:26

Only one thing for it: LTB! grin

Seriously though, I am fighting a similar battle at home, only DH is sneakier and doesn't actually say there are women jobs. I know he thinks it though! angry

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 12-Feb-13 06:59:06

Do you have equal amounts of leisure time after work, chores, childcare etc?

If not, why does the one who has more think they are worth more than the one who has less?

HecateWhoopass Tue 12-Feb-13 07:03:08

If he doesn't give a shit what you, his wife, the woman he is supposed to love, thinks and feels - what on earth would make you think he would give a shit what women he doesn't even know thinks?

If he can dismiss you on the grounds that you're a woman - we're just going to be totally irrelevant and our opinion of him meaningless to him. he'll dismiss us with a pah and a sneer and a roll of the eyes and a ^"women", well. they WOULD say that, wouldn't they?"

So I won't waste my time trying to explain exactly why his attitude stinks. He thinks you're his skivvy. His maid. Subservient to him. What are you going to do about that?

ErikNorseman Tue 12-Feb-13 07:13:52

Women's work = shitwork. He thinks he's better than you. Can you live with a man who thinks he's better than you because he has a penis?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 12-Feb-13 07:16:00

^^What Hecate said.

Iaintdunnuffink Tue 12-Feb-13 07:34:37

How much you earn has nothing to do with it, I'd go ballistic at my husband if he pointed out he earns more than 3 times than me, in regards to housework. That's not a nice thing to say.

We both work and both pitch in until the children are cared for, we are all adequately fed and the house is a pleasant and clean enough place to live. The problem with one person deciding that they've done their bit is that it leaves everything else to the other person. All those irritating little things that don't make it onto a list.

My husband and me have fallen into certain routines, he irons in the morning, mi do the packed lunches, we both do the kitchen. All things that can be nicely ticked off. Someone also needs to notice that new socks are required, or all the school trousers have holes in the knees.

So with regards to women's work and sharing all the shirt work Yanbu.

FutTheShuckUp Tue 12-Feb-13 07:44:27

I think the earning comment is relevent actually. in the 50's the man would be the breadwinner and the wife would be a 'kept' woman. I think what the OP was trying to point out was her DH cant have the part of a traditional 50's household when it suits!

mumof3boys01 Tue 12-Feb-13 07:52:56

I'm a bit new to this,but think this is a thread about a thread and a bit of a reverse Aibu smile

mumof3boys01 Tue 12-Feb-13 07:56:24

Can't link but a thread a bit further down about asking if his wife should be doing more house work as she is a artist at home looking after a teenager,if it is I think you should get of your lazy arse and do more grin

ChasedByBees Tue 12-Feb-13 08:40:03

Exactly Fut. if OP was a 1950's housewife she wouldn't be adding anything to the household budget. How would your DH cope with the sudden withdrawal of your entire salary OP? I wouldn't bother playing games though, I would actually LTB as I couldn't respect a man who was so small minded and pathetic.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 12-Feb-13 08:51:00

That was my reading of the OP too Fut and Chasedby

PearlyWhites Tue 12-Feb-13 09:11:07

No advice sorry, but 50 shades your name made me laugh out loud grin

HecateWhoopass Tue 12-Feb-13 09:33:10

Is it, mumof3? Which one? I bloody hate those! grin

HecateWhoopass Tue 12-Feb-13 09:34:10

sorry. Just saw your second post

DeWe Tue 12-Feb-13 09:41:01

Act concerned for his health. My dgran knew exactly which year it was when she had dementia-it was 1948 and don't you deny it. grin

EarlyMorningBaconDemon Tue 12-Feb-13 09:48:50

The way I see it is: Including travelling time, it all depends on how often they work.

Let's say, for an average, that the housework is a seperate full-time job that requires 40 hours of commitment a week. If a man is working 40 hours and a woman is working 20 hours, then the woman should do 30 hours of housework and the man should do 10. That evens it up to each doing 50 hours of "work" a week, meaning they get the same amount of leisure time etc etc.

Likewise, if a woman works 37 hours a week and a man works 12, the man works 32-33 hours of housework and the woman does the other 7-8 hours.

If a man is working 50 hours a week including travelling to and fro, and a woman is working the same, HIRE A BLOODY CLEANER! grin

Am I daft for thinking like that?

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 01:03:51

To clarify: I made the comment about my wage because as the main breadwinner and also working on average ten hours per week more than my husband then I think it's only fair that he does at least as much as me around the house. I would be happy if we did 60 \ 40 opposed to the current 90\10 split we have currently. My apologies to anybody who thinks I was being an arse by banging on about what I earned in comparison to him

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 01:12:31

I agree that getting a cleaner glosses over the issue rather than dealing with it, and that her earnings are relevant. If womans work is the house then his work is to bring in all the money. He cant have it both ways.

Personally I would go on strike so he can see just how much you do.

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 01:13:00

A thought.....has he ever lived alone, or did his mummy do everything for him?

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 01:14:15

A further thought.

I wonder if his attitude of you doing the housework is connected with you earning twice what he does. "Yeah she earns more than me, but she still washes my pants and scrubs the floor so I am better than her..."

Astelia Sat 16-Feb-13 02:07:31

Assuming this is real and not a thread about a thread. Has he shown neanderthal tendencies before OP or is this a new development?

You both need to have the same amount of leisure time so it is up to the two of you to sort the jobs between you so you can sit down together at roughly the same time.

I read on another thread some great house ideas and one MNer has had two dishwashers installed. I like the sound of that. If you have room, there's an idea.

Kafri Sat 16-Feb-13 07:03:35

my dh had a habit if thinking that anything he did around the house was just to help me out. it took many times of pointing out that the house/mess was as much his as mine and he was just as responsible for cleaning it up.

I actually think the op's comment about earnings is relevant in this case as if her (d)h thinks we're still in the 50s and it's women's work to clean then surely it's mens work to earn and support? while op fannies around in her frilly white apron

I still tell dh that if he expects me to do all the housework, then i expect him to earn enough to support us to allow me to stay at home to do it all. I don't mind doing more read: I'm fussy and like some things done a certain way but I'll be dammed if I'm working the same hours as him then coming home to all the chores while he sits on his backside watching tv.

YANBU OP, get him bloody told. shape up or ship out!

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 09:05:37

He lived at home until he met me. Has learned to cook and does this well. I will try the going on strike idea although it will kill me as I like the house to be clean and tidy - do fly lady etc. How long do I 'strike' for? And just his mess or leave everything?

inadreamworld Sat 16-Feb-13 09:14:14

I do all the housework as I am a sahm. However if I went out to work (even if earned less than DH) then I would expect him to share the housework - so YANBU for expecting him to do his share. Not sure about the anger of some of the responses though - there are worse faults than being old fashioned. Is he a good husband in other ways?

inadreamworld Sat 16-Feb-13 09:29:50

Going on strike might be a good idea though - he can't have it both ways - either you have a traditional role, do all the housework and he financially supports you as a sahm or he does his share. When he says it is womens work why dont you say that going out to work is mens work as the breadwinner so you are quitting your job and he can give you a weekly allowance! See what he says!!!

TheLibrarianOok Sat 16-Feb-13 09:55:44

I know of 2 marriages which came to grief in the end over this very thing. It isn't trivial because when a partner feels unsupported and has to take the parent role, that leaks out into other parts of the marriage in the long term and does real and terrible damage.

This is how we dealt with it. For a fixed period - say 3 months - you swap everything. So anything you usually do, he does and vice versa. This is the easiest way and less stressy than making lists. It also gives each partner the experience of what the other has had.

Importantly, there should be no criticsm of how the other partner does the job. It's not 'you have to do it to my standard or it isn't right'. It's hard but you have to think well that's not my responsibility any more.

At the end of 3 months you can readjust the work balance more fairly.

After many years of trying other ways, this worked for us. And it had benefit in other areas of our marriage. After all, if you're stuck in a parent child marriage that's not so good for your sex life either! grin

Not saying that your marriage is like that though - some people can just be selfish entitled tits. Best he has a look at why he's like he is and feels entitled to have the attitude he does.

Bogeyface Sat 16-Feb-13 10:58:15

For the strike, you do your stuff and nothing else, but I wouldnt go into it without warning him first. Explain how you feel about the inequality, draw up a list of who does what and if she still pulls the old "Its your work" line THEN say that you are only doing your own washing etc. If you like it tidy, put his mess in a bin bag and leave it on his side of the bed. He will soon realise that the fairies dont do it.

His lack of respect is not on and tbh, if that doesnt work then you need to consider a) counselling and b) your future. How would it be after you had a child and went back to work?

KellyMarieTunstall Sat 16-Feb-13 12:49:59

He is trying to pull you down .

"You,Miss high and mighty ,with your well paid job - we'll see who's the boss around here "

With his own live in maid he is obviously the better person and you are where you belong -barefoot in the kitchen of his house .What you do in your little job is of no consequence to him -in his house he is the one who calls the tunes.

MyPreciousRing Sat 16-Feb-13 13:18:45

He thinks it's all a big joke tbh. He's a great husband in all other ways: kind, caring, complimentary, funny, affectionate and loving. He just seems to suffer blind spots in house. I've done all 'my' washing up so far today. His odds and sodds are already building up - he was laughing saying that by next week his side of bed will look like something off those programmes about hoarders. #sigh# This will be a tough battle me-thinks.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 13:27:13

There is no womens/men's work. There is no 'he earns X I earn Y'. The rule should be this, and only this:

Do you have the same amount of leisure time? If you work more hours than him, his extra hours should be spent on the housework; then whatever is left is divided between you. This comes before leisure, it comes before hobbies. If one of you has a hobby that requires time out of the house at non-negotiable times, fine, but it doesn't mean the other one does all the work, it means it's made up for later.

If you have kids, you take it on faith that the parent who is looking after them has done their best to both parent and do housework; so some days that means the kids were hard and there's more housework left over at the end of the working day, on other days it's been easy and the house is clean. Regardless; what is left over by the kids' bedtime is shared work.

House work that benefits the whole household - cooking, cleaning - comes before house work that benefits the individual - ironing one's own clothes, making a lunch sandwich. The former needs to e done before the latter.

Anyone who claims 'your standards are too high I don't notice mess so it shouldn't be my prolem" is lying. They would notice quick smart if it wasn't done for them.

I do not understand what is hard about all of this.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 16-Feb-13 13:29:43

Don't do the ridiculous strike thing. Don't play this game. He will treat it as a game, as a power play. You need to sit down and say: you are disrespecting me. You are telling me that your desire for leisure time trumps mine, that you don't think I'm an equal person with the same rights as you. I have the right to live in a clean house, and I have the right to some leisure time, and if you loved me and respected me you would work with me to make this fair. You care more about 'winning' this battle than you do about my happiness.

DameFanny Sat 16-Feb-13 13:34:55

He makes a good point about his side of the bed after a week. Move yourself into the spare room.

BillyBollyDandy Sat 16-Feb-13 13:40:44

Poor DH, he probably feels completely emasculated because you earn more than he does. This is his way of showing you that he is till "man about the house" even though you appear to be his intellectual superior.

You may as well tie his balls up with fluffy pink ribbon.

wink

GetWhatYouNeed Sat 16-Feb-13 14:30:40

He's probably read about that research that came out a couple of weeks ago which says that men who do housework such as cleaning, laundry, tidying etc get less sex than those who do things like gardening, plumbing and bill paying.

TheLibrarianOok Sat 16-Feb-13 15:49:07

I would be seriously concerned about his attitude to this OP, no matter how 'good' he is in other areas. I would certainly get it sorted before considering having children with him. I think stikes don't work. Tried it and so have others I know.

Seriously, you are married to someone who thinks your need for a fair division of labiour and leisure time is a joke.

How does that make him a good husband? Or even a decent human being?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 16-Feb-13 16:51:56

Tortoise's second post should be stickied at the top of Relationships.

Squitten Sat 16-Feb-13 17:15:18

Please don't have children with this one OP.

Kids are a LOT of work and generate a LOT of mess. If he's incapable of looking after himself and expects you to do it all, what do you think will happen once kids arrive?

I couldn't live with someone who thinks housework is all I'm good for - and I'm a SAHM!

MikeOxardAndWellard Sat 16-Feb-13 18:45:06

I agree with tortoise too. Your dh sounds like a stupid, nasty git and I wouldn't let someone treat me that way or say such disrespectful things to me. Dh's are not mandatory, if you can't find a decent one, don't have one at all.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Sat 16-Feb-13 19:03:40

I would actually show him where the door was, and as I'm a "nice 1950s woman", I'd pack his bag for him too.

pinkhalf Sat 16-Feb-13 19:11:53

What a tit he sounds. A contemptible fool.

Certainly not worth a lifetime of underpants tango. Get rid of him, dear.

What Tortoiseonthehalfshell said.

MyPreciousRing, how long have you been married? Are there children of this marriage? Because if he is actually serious about this, then it would be a dealbreaker for me.

inadreamworld Sun 17-Feb-13 08:06:57

I can't believe people are saying to get rid of your husband over this when you said he is a great husband in other ways!! I am sure it is something you can sort out and not a marriage breaker. I do repeat what I said earlier though - if he wants a traditional wife tell him you are staying at home and he has to give you a weekly allowance!!

CheddarGorgeous Sun 17-Feb-13 08:13:02

Bloody hell inadreamworld I sincerely hope that was a tongue in cheek comment?!

MidnightMasquerader Sun 17-Feb-13 08:14:34

A weekly allowance...??!! shock

What the.......?

inadreamworld Sun 17-Feb-13 08:17:22

I was joking about the weekly allowance - meaning if he wants to be old fashioned then he shouldn't expect his wife to work, he has to be the breadwinner etc - I wasn't suggesting she really ask for a weekly allowance and give up work (unless she wants to!). I know everyone will have a go at me for this but if he is a good husband in other ways as the OP says then this should be something they can sort out and not a marriage breaker.

CheddarGorgeous Sun 17-Feb-13 08:25:53

There is a word to describe that idea but it's not "old fashioned" hmm

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Feb-13 08:29:49

I could not be married to a man who thought I existed to serve him.

There is no "being a good husband in all other ways".

At the most fundamental level he doesn't respect you.

That means there is no true love.

And men like this are truly repulsive too.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who saw you as his staff?

He sounds horrible.

I'd get out now before years of doing all the shitwork sapped all my energy and weakened me while he got stronger (and gradually more abusive) at my expense.

You see those women on here all the time and it's heartbreaking.

Good people do not treat people they love this way.

DameFanny Sun 17-Feb-13 10:47:54

I guess ring isn't that bothered as she hasn't been back

TheLibrarianOok Sun 17-Feb-13 13:46:29

Well lets hope she's not feather dustering the lounge in a 50s style dress, full make up and hair do, while DH sits grinning with his pipe, newspaper and slippers.

Branleuse Sun 17-Feb-13 13:49:43

YANBU to be pissed off. Is this attitude out of the blue or have you always known it but married him anyway?

YABU to use the term give/rip a new arsehole. Gross. Its like some sort of rape reference

happybubblebrain Sun 17-Feb-13 13:57:52

I have no idea how women put up with men who do nothing/very little.
I wouldn't stand for it, not even for one day.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 17-Feb-13 14:04:57

Tell him that the sight of a man with a toilet brush in hand gets you all "hot".

On a more serious note, have you got children? If so, this is a crap example to be giving to them, if not (and planning to), I warn you this will get worse as the tiredness sets in.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 17-Feb-13 14:05:33

Branleuse.

I hate that term too.

EmmaBemma Sun 17-Feb-13 16:28:01

the phrase is "tear him a new arsehole". "give him a new arsehole" sounds like it's being presented in a gift-wrapped box.

OttilieKnackered Sun 17-Feb-13 17:20:28

Hmmmm. Obviously he's wrong about the men's/women's work thing, but it sounds like it could have been a 'joke.'

However, if he does all the cooking and all the washing up, he's not really doing 10% is he? Surely? Those things need to be done every day without fail. I'm assuming you don't hoover or scrub the bathroom every day?

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