To not want to go back to work right yet, and want to spend time with my 2mth old?

(43 Posts)
M0naLisa Mon 11-Feb-13 21:18:49

My DH doesnt work, his work ending in August last year due to them relocating down south. Since then he has tried and tired and tried to get work but nothing. He is on JSA which lets be honest doesnt stretch far, specially when the kids need new school shoes and money for school trips etc etc

Hes applied for 97 jobs in the last 6 weeks and not one reply. Nothing!!! Its getting very tedious now and making us both very angry that Recruitment agencies can advertise for 'Immediate Start' yet 3 weeks later they are apparently still 'waiting' for a start date from the company. Its ridiculous.

Today DH said 'We are both going to have to have a look for work'

Now im not bothered about looking for work. But last time i worked full time 40 hours per week and i found it hard leaving the kids with DH whilst he stayed at home with the kids - although we only had 2 then and DS1 was 3 and DS2 was a year old. I found myself getting more and more depressed, the work was hard and i found it difficult because of the work itself. I left after 10 months because my health was deteriorating. I was losing weight rapidly because i was constantly worrying if id done something wrong at work (doing orders for customers).

AIBU to want to spend time with my DS3 before going out to work and missing his first time milestones. I missed DS2 first time crawl, first steps and first proper word because i was working full time.

I have applied for some jobs by emailing companies and asking if they have any vacancies. If i was to go to work i have to have the job in town as no car at the moment. I just feel like its DHs way of getting out of going back to work so he can be the SAHD, take the kids to school on a morning, come home and go back to bed with DS3.

I suffered PND with DS2 and i feel if i go back to work now at 10 weeks PP that i will start to suffer again.

AIBU and selfish? I feel i am sad

M0naLisa Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:07

Sorry its long

EMS23 Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:57

If your DH hadn't been trying to get a job, you might have a point but the fact is that he's tried and is trying. He's not getting anywhere so it's only right that you look too.

YANBU to want to spend more time with your new baby but the reality if your situation is that one of you needs a job now.

Believe me, I feel your pain being in a similar position myself but needs must and you are both equal parents so your DH is as 'entitled' to be there for the DC's as you are.

YANBU to want to spend a longer time at home, but the sad reality is that your family needs an income. There's certainly no harm in both of you looking as hard as you can - you might find your ideal job, your DH might be a fantastic SAHD and he has just as much right as you to be the one at home looking after the kids.

NumericalMum Mon 11-Feb-13 21:31:18

YANBU but sadly you don't have much choice.

M0naLisa Mon 11-Feb-13 22:21:22

The sad reality is that i know i am being unreasonable and i know he has the same rights as i do to stay at home with the kids.
Reading my OP it sounds like im saying my DH doesnt do anything, what i meant with taking kids to school and home to bed is that. I want to do that with DS3, have some mummy and DS3 time snuggled in bed for his nap before his next feed. (they do say when baby sleeps, mummy sleeps too wink)

Its just been so hard for DH getting a job, its al agency work and not one of them gets back to him.

WilsonFrickett Mon 11-Feb-13 22:30:41

I understand you don't want to leave your baby, of course I do. But someone has to provide for the family and it doesn't automatically have to be the man. Have either of you looked for part time work, might both of you working 3 days a week be a solution?

Lovelygoldboots Mon 11-Feb-13 22:32:14

I really feel for both of you. Whatever happens you must look after yourself. It is shiit that there is no work for your DH. You are being the best parents you be and your baby will be fine whoever stays at home.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Feb-13 01:51:27

YANBU to want to stay home but the reality is one of you has to bring the money in, if he can't then it's only right you do.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 12-Feb-13 07:49:46

One of you needs to work, If your chances are better than his at present then thats what you need to do. It may be that you will both need to work in future to cover the costs of three children and two adults.

Its a little unfair to slate him being a SAHD when it appears he has supported you to not work for some time. Relationships are partnerships, one person is no more central then the other and you have to compromise.

chezchaos Tue 12-Feb-13 07:53:39

YANBU. There is no way in the world I would have been able to leave my DC at 2 months old to go back to full time work

FutTheShuckUp Tue 12-Feb-13 07:58:38

Even if your family was struggling with no income chez? I find that rather odd tbh

cocoachannel Tue 12-Feb-13 08:02:20

Not unreasonable to not want to leave your baby but unreasonable not to step up and support your family at this time.

DieDeutschLehrerin Tue 12-Feb-13 08:09:11

Is there anything you could do from home, maybe in the evenings like Avon or even Ann Summers parties? One of my friends does Herbalife - I don't know anything about it but it seems to work very well as a supplementary income for her. It might buy you some time as your DS is so little right now and might give your husband a bit of space to find a job first and then you when DS is a bit older.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Tue 12-Feb-13 08:17:03

Have you thought about childminding? Not a quick process but could be done in a couple of months and would mean you were at home with your children just with a few extra.

I was made redundant while pregnant with ds2 and can't believe I didn't set up sooner as I don't know how we managed with me struggling round dp's changing hours.

honeytea Tue 12-Feb-13 08:30:14

Do you breastfeed? I think that would be a reason to say your dp has to work as you need to be with the baby.

Both working part time would be a good compromise but I understand it is hard to find 2 part time positions.

My ds is 8 weeks today and the plan whilst I was pregnant was that dp had ds 1 day a week and I work 1 day but I'm not sure I can leave him. I do feel mean for denying my dp pappa and baby time but my ds is bf so that makes things a little Hardee practically.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 12-Feb-13 08:57:09

Honeytea, your work is obliged to give you breaks and a private space to express in if you are breast feeding. I went back to work when DS1 was five months. I decided to use formula for one out of the four feeds and expressed the other daytime one at work, then fed him morning and evening. I could have expressed twice without too much hassle but would have needed more diary management.

merlottits Tue 12-Feb-13 09:02:39

I think you sound very precious, TBH. Of course in an ideal world you want to be at home with your baby but someone needs to earn a wage.
In my opinion it's this kind of attitude that is partly responsible for the financial mess the world is in. Sense of entitlement.
I'm sick of hearing women tell me they think the state should pay for them to stay home and look after their children.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Tue 12-Feb-13 09:03:25

I do sympathise about not wanting to go back quite yet but then you say this

"AIBU to want to spend time with my DS3 before going out to work and missing his first time milestones. I missed DS2 first time crawl, first steps and first proper word because i was working full time."

If you want to watch all of these you'll need to be at home for 12-18 months and YWBU to want to stay home for that long if your husband isn't working.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 12-Feb-13 09:09:34

Honeytea, what part of my DH has been trying to find work since August is so difficult to understand. He has applied for 97 jobs in the last 6 weeks. It's not as simple as if the OP is breast feeding her DH should go back to work.

honeytea Tue 12-Feb-13 09:38:06

I suppose it depends on what jobs op and her husband are applying for and what qualifications they both have, if there is an equal chance that op and her dp would get a job and op is breastfeeding I personally think the dp should work but if the baby is formula fed there is no reason why op has more right to be at home.

The problem for me expressing and working is that I travel between people's houses and schools by public transport so I don't have an office space or staff room I could express in, I am all for the right to breastfeed in public but I'm not sure I could express on the tube or in a cafe.

Lovelygoldboots Tue 12-Feb-13 10:38:25

Monalisa, just one thing. Don't know if rules have changed but you should be entitled to SMP even if you have left your previous job and you are not already claiming. That may make a difference to your situation.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 12-Feb-13 12:56:37

Honeytea:
If you were comfortable to do it, your employer should allow you to build breaks into the day to express in the corner of a cafe. Or a school may well have a place you can use. You might have to pump and dump if you are running between meetings with no fridge (though a cool bag might help) but if you are working one day a week then expressing extra on other days for the dumped feeds might well be possible. Or if your work is local, you might be able to meet DH and baby somewhere?

Obviously do what works best for you, but just some thoughts. What age were you thinking of going back?

honeytea Tue 12-Feb-13 14:12:54

My dp has 60 days paternity leave that he has to take and most people take it out at the end of the parental leave time but me and DP thought (before the baby was born) that it would be nice for dp to have one pappa day a week for rather than him taking 2 months out.

At the moment I am feeling like it would work better for us to do it the more traditional way so I have a year off and then DP has DS for 2 months just before DS starts daycare.

Sorry about the thread highjack!

NellysKnickers Tue 12-Feb-13 14:17:07

YANBU at all to not want to work with such a young baby. I just couldn't have done it. Your Dh needs to try a bit harder. Stick to your guns if you really don't want to do it.

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:19:53

YANBU. I do think the mum has more right to stay home with a young baby. At least for the first 9 months to a year. That is the maternity leave period. I know it can go to the dad but that should be if the mothers chooses to go back. I would leave DH to look for work personally. I went back early (not that early though but before 12 months) with DD1 but with the other 4 have been a SAHM. Nothing unreasonable about a mother wanting to stay home with her young child. It seems taboo to say it these days as it is politically correct to treat mothers and fathers the same even though biologically the mother is involved much more with a young baby.

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:20:29

60 days paternity leave? Norm people get ten days, and its said at smp rate. You are very fortunate.

Op I feel for you, but your dh is right

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:21:43

All those saying try harder, her dh has applied for 97 jobs!

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:22:38

Jellybeans, would yet have made same decision if your family had no income though?
It's a tough situation

SamSmalaidh Tue 12-Feb-13 14:24:08

YANBU to want to stay at home with the baby.

YWBU to refuse to try to make some money when your DH is looking for a job and your family need the money.

If you don't want to go out to work, then you need to find something you can do from home or in the evenings/weekend. How about:
Childminding
Advertise yourself as an evening babysitter
Selling Avon/Usborne Books
Running a music/baby signing class
Couple of evenings in a pub
Saturday job in a shop

Of course, your DH needs to keep looking for work too.

wanderingcloud Tue 12-Feb-13 14:24:45

Really, really feel for you OP.

Supporting a family is hard work and having to leave your little one when they are so young is unspeakably hard. I know from experience myself that it can lead to depression and impact on your health.

But someone needs to do it, if your DH can't get suitable work and you can, then that is what you will have to do.

Don't think it helps to hear that other people couldn't have done it hmm some people simply don't have the luxury of having that choice.

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:25:55

givemeaclue, yes I would even if had to claim benefits. I physically could not have left my younger 3.But I had a hideous time having them, two prior stillbirths-one before the twins and one before youngest, multiple problems with DC3's pregnancy (preterm labour again at 21 weeks), severe post traumatic stress etc etc. Without all that it is hard to say as I am a different person now. With the older 2 I would have been fine to work p / t if DH was home.

jellybeans Tue 12-Feb-13 14:27:42

I know someone who delivers catalogues and parcels part time and takes the baby with her in the car. Just another idea.

givemeaclue Tue 12-Feb-13 14:28:19

I can see how you would feel like that jelly, what a terrible experience, glad you have your 4 dcs now.

poshfrock Tue 12-Feb-13 14:30:49

OP it is a horrible thing to have to do but sometimes needs must. I went back to work when my DD was 10 weeks old so that I could pay the mortgage and buy food to feed us all. DH was working but his pay was less than half of mine at the time so barely covered the basics. I never saw her first steps or heard her first words. On the plus side I hardly did any potty training and the terrible twos just passed me right by - all done by the nursery staff who were wonderful.

StuntGirl Tue 12-Feb-13 14:36:59

YANBU at all to not want to work with such a young baby. I just couldn't have done it. Your Dh needs to try a bit harder. Stick to your guns if you really don't want to do it.

That is a fucking awful attitude to have Nelly. Maybe the OP needs to work harder at supporting her family, which might mean working out of the home for a while. It goes both ways.

MineOrk Tue 12-Feb-13 14:37:59

I also truly feel for your situation and think it could lead to depression. However, it is not anyone's fault and simply has to be addressed. Unless your DH is a knob or there is some other parenting issue then you have to look at working. You can make it be a positive choice.

I was in this situation with DC1 went back to work full time when he was 11 weeks, continued to BF, coslept and if I missed any firsts people were tactful enough not to mention it. With DC3 went back to work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week when he was 4 m, again coped and BF. Yes would rather have had different and there were tears at first, but also was good as well as necessary for us. It will be for the best long run.

DeafLeopard Tue 12-Feb-13 14:38:15

Like poshfrock I was the major earner with both DCs and was back at work by 8 weeks first time and 10 weeks second time. It was horrible - emotionally and physically draining, but we couldn't survive without my wages, there was no choice.

Really hope he finds something soon.

fromparistoberlin Tue 12-Feb-13 15:13:03

I really feel for you OP

and I feel for your DH too

But what can you do?? The need for $$$$ is higher than the need for bonding time.

OP what do you do? as this is quite a big factor. as being a working Mum with a sahp is NOT the end of the world

But huge sympathies for you all xxxxx

M0naLisa Tue 12-Feb-13 19:02:21

DH is looking and applying for any work that he is able to do, even some jobs that he has no experience in (obviously if the job states no experience needed) from warehouse to aerial work to office work to driving. Hes done it all.

Ive got Sales, Retail, Administration and Reception experience.

Im not entitled to SMP as my last job was in October 2011 and that was for only 4 weeks.

I would love to go back to work to earn money and be able to buy nice things etc but i will miss out on the early months with DS. Me and DH spoke last night, he could tell i was abit upset about me going back to work and he said he wouldnt expect me to go back to work so soon anyway. Its frustrating for us both. Specially now our car has broken sad

M0naLisa Tue 12-Feb-13 19:03:25

I also have a Beauty Therapy Level 2 Diploma but even advertising for simple Beauty treatments like Eyebrow shapes etc goes no where on Facebook. I can do Minx too which would earn me anything from £10 to £20 depending on my charges.

Chunderella Tue 12-Feb-13 20:27:53

Are you actually fit for work yet OP? Not everyone is at 10 weeks pp. If you are then fair enough, but I personally only felt like I'd be capable of going back into a workplace at about 10 weeks pp and plenty of people have worse pregnancies and births. So I can see how some women genuinely wouldn't be physically and mentally fit for it so soon after. If you are, then it sounds like you might have to do it. YANBU to feel as you do, but NBU won't put food on the table will it?

It sounds like a lot of the problems you previously had were related to worrying if you've done something wrong. Maybe self employment would suit you better, then, and you're lucky that you have the skillset to allow you to do that. You mentioned having difficulty finding beautician work through Facebook, but I'm sure there are other advertising avenues you haven't explored.

M0naLisa Wed 13-Feb-13 11:21:21

i am physically but not mentally.

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