What's the most appropriate birthday present for mil from hell

(122 Posts)
plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:16:47

So nothing new, my mil is a witch. I actually think she is very clever as she manipulates me, dh and her entire family like puppets on strings. Anyway, she hates me, offered me money not to marry dh, called dh two days before wedding begging him not to marry me saying he was making a huge mistake etc, that she was losing a son and then called me and told me a dark cloud has landed over her family and it's me. yada yada. I think it's because they are a family of top Drs and I didn't go to university - she brings that up a lot. I do however run a successful business but I am not what she hoped for. Anyway, on our wedding day she chucked a bottle of red wine over me - classy, she then ruined our wedding day by crying outside and then there was a fight between dh sister (a bridesmaid) and one of our family friends. Awful!

That's a very brief summary of ten years of hell. We agreed not o cut them off after much discussion and let them see the grandkids although she's starting her manipulative ways with the kids ( told my 7 yr old daughter that she shouldn't eat everything on her plate or she will end up like mummy) and tells my 4 yr old son to ask mummy if he can come and stay with her and she will give him lots of sweets etc etc. Anyway, trivialising for a moment - for the last three Xmas she has bought me the most obscure presents. A nailbrush from tk max with a bar of soap, following year a doormat, and this year a hand towel. Now, dh and I now laugh about it but it is a tad upsetting. It's her birthday next week.......what should I buy her?

Flisspaps Mon 11-Feb-13 21:17:53

A broom.

It's the only fitting gift for a witch.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:18:48

That's quite good actually, I could get one of those old fashioned stick ones.....

gordyslovesheep Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:10

any of the following * A nailbrush with a bar of soap, a doormat, and a hand towel*

A first class one way ticket to Fuck Off, I've heard It's lovely this time of year

Sanjifair Mon 11-Feb-13 21:21:28

A wooden spoon. Sounds like she is a bit of a stirrer...

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Mon 11-Feb-13 21:21:42

She sounds horrific. I wouldn't bother with a present but if you must, I'm reminded that when my dog was recently on heat I purchased a can of 'bitch spray.' grin

larks35 Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:17

Why buy her anything? If there's that much hate flying around what is the point? Your DH is her son and it is surely up to him to buy her a gift if he wants to. FWIW I really like my DP's mum but he decides what to get for her birthday not me, we're pretty poor so she just gets the joint present.

Jemma1111 Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:30

A chair

The type you can plug in grin

Euphemia Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:01

A trip to Birnam Wood for a bit of group chanting? -

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Maraki Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:06

I wouldn't buy her anything, she doesn't deserve a present. Just give her a card (that is if you are forced to see her) and say that her present will follow in a few days as you were too busy lately to go to the shops. Then leave it at that.

Kill her with kindness ... By rising above and not stooping to hwr level of manipulation just would send the message that you really don't give her or her behaviour a second thought ...

HollyBerryBush Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:34

Im finding it difficult that you can give her space in your head.

Her prezzie is surely her sons problem?

CalamityKate Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:39

My xMIL bought me a chemical dog toilet once.

Has your MIL got a dog?

thebody Mon 11-Feb-13 21:27:25

Sorry but had to laugh at broom.

Seriously why on gods earth are you bothering to see this cow? Keep your children away. The comment about your dds weight is very very nasty.

Write her a goodbye from my life letter.

foslady Mon 11-Feb-13 21:27:26

Copy of Macbeth......

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 21:28:06

A donation to charity in her name, she isnt deserving enough to get the actual gift, but someone can benefit with her evilness.

Cailinsalach Mon 11-Feb-13 21:28:18

Or how about a prayer book or any other devotional tome on love and stuff like that. You could highlight relevant passages that would remind her to um well feck off.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:28:55

Omg, crying with laughter here! Dh is rubbish and doesn't buy any presents. You're right, I should rise above it / not buy anything etc....but would be lovely to at least fantasise about sending her something naughty. She had her pelvic floor fixed last year.......perhaps some tena ladies blush

Inertia Mon 11-Feb-13 21:29:14

Frankly, why bother? Why even make time in your life for her?

smile at bitch spray but I think the fallout from that would be immense.

Old-fashioned broom is a great suggestion - even fits the theme , following on from her practical presents to you .

The Toxic In-laws book that often gets recommended on here?

Cailinsalach Mon 11-Feb-13 21:29:55

Oooh yes GregBishop...a goat!!!!

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:30:12

Love the charity one.

elliejjtiny Mon 11-Feb-13 21:30:12

My FIL gave his MIL a broom once

A copy of Charles Kingsleys' The Water Babies - with all of the passages involving DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy highlighted? grin

ScottyDoc Mon 11-Feb-13 21:31:00

A kick up the cunt.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:31:38

A goat - yes! A goat and a vintage broom.....

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 21:33:14

And a nice framed picture of said goat with its new owners.

yaimee Mon 11-Feb-13 21:34:03

I like the broom. Or a massive vibrator, might loosen her up or at least keep her off your back for a bit!

Some vintage sports memorabilia: ie an old bat

Weight watchers cereal bars?

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:34:57

Gregbishopsbottombitch omg love it, is there such a thing? Googling now....

manicbmc Mon 11-Feb-13 21:35:11

A bottle of red wine stain remover and a pic of your kids wearing t-shirts that say 'Fuck off' and 'Grandma' grin

justmuddlingalong Mon 11-Feb-13 21:36:28

A bag?wink

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 11-Feb-13 21:36:40

Charity present. Moral high ground. And at least if she pays you back in kind, someone's benefitting.

ladymariner Mon 11-Feb-13 21:36:40

A photo of you and your dh, arms round each other, looking totally loved up and happy........

LatteLady Mon 11-Feb-13 21:37:37

You need to buy her Sansevieria trifasciata, otherwise known as Mother-in-law's tongue... subtle but pointed... it also known as the snake plant grin

MyDarlingClementine Mon 11-Feb-13 21:39:20

Sorry if its already been mentioned:

A Bottle of Poison Perfume by Dior.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:39:21

Wow these are all so good, a broom, a goat, def an old bat and the picture - love it as she has no pics of me in the house, they're all of dh and the kids!

quoteunquote Mon 11-Feb-13 21:40:07
plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:40:15

And the plant, I know the one

quoteunquote Mon 11-Feb-13 21:40:45
GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 21:41:58

Quote What a shit present that would be.. grin

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:47:20

Flamin eck 2 cruise tickets and a loo roll

Shutupanddrive Mon 11-Feb-13 21:47:35

The biggest pair of granny knickers you can find

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 21:49:04

Gay porn video disguised as family moments between DH and kids.

manicbmc Mon 11-Feb-13 21:49:14

Tea towels? Or may be that's what she is getting you for your next present?

AudrinaAdare Mon 11-Feb-13 21:50:51

How about a naice pair of nutcrackers?

And a Waterford crystal jar filled with some sweeties

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 21:50:56

Today at work, somebody donated a blood pressure machine, get one for her and tell her your emigrating to Oz.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 21:50:58

A hot water bottle?

Does she ever snoop? If so, glitter bomb.

CSIJanner Mon 11-Feb-13 21:58:22

Are you breastfeeding? There's a lovely lady on Facebook who can take your breast milk and make it into a price of jewellery that your unknowing MIL will wear around her neck as of course, you'll tell her that her beloved GC choose it especially.

Am thinking of getting a pendent for my anti-BF rellies...

mrsbunnylove Mon 11-Feb-13 21:58:47

you can get a 20 stop 12 month round the world air ticket - a colleague got one for around £1500. worth it for a year's peace.

Wants4 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:15:40

A voucher for undertakers cosmetic surgery clinic.

LayMizzRarb Mon 11-Feb-13 22:20:01

A sack of dog biscuits from the pound shop.

aldiwhore Mon 11-Feb-13 22:24:59

While it's funny and all that I am going to be a killjoy and say if this was a your DH you were speaking about or FIL, then I think most people be telling you that you are allowing this toxic witch to damage your children.

Keep them away from this woman.

You run your own business? You are worth very much more than the bitch thinks. She ruined your wedding day, she tried to PAY YOU OFF, she bad mouthes and manipulates your children. FFS!!

Buy her a restraining order. It's not healthy.

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 22:37:02

Aldiwhore I agree with every word you're saying. Unfortunately, dh would have to go too, as he is still very involved with his parents. But it's not something I have not considered and if I had my way the children would have nothing to do with her.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 22:41:01

Plim ever thought of emigrating?

OH's favorite ... a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers, at least she can go f* herself! grin

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 22:42:17

Car LMAO!!!!!

plim Mon 11-Feb-13 22:45:30

Slippers and dildo LOVE IT.

Yes, would love o emigrate and have looked into it. No jobs in our field at the moment but trust me I have my eyes peeled!

ShiftyFades Mon 11-Feb-13 22:49:04

Rush to tesco and get her some Spag Bol?!!

A birdbox and bird seed. Least the birds will get some use out of it.

extremepie Mon 11-Feb-13 23:06:10

I'd be tempted to get some really nice lacy underwear and/or handcuffs/spanking paddle etc, put it in a plain box and give her it to her 'accidentally' ('whoops, I must have given you DH's valentine's day present by mistake'.....)

princesspuds Mon 11-Feb-13 23:10:02

Maybe this with MILs pic on the head or keep the whole thing and have it on display for when she comes round as they are very good quality.grin


magimedi Mon 11-Feb-13 23:10:57

50 shades of grey.

And if you are feeling generous a vibrator.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Feb-13 23:14:36

A used copy of 50 shades, with pages stuck together, with a little note, "Dear MIL, Your DS, got so excited reading this book, and boy did we have fun, reacting it, Lots of Love, Your sore arsed DIL.

LocoParentis Mon 11-Feb-13 23:16:35

Get her Dog the Bounty Hunters autobiography, tell her you saw his face and thought of her

aldiwhore Mon 11-Feb-13 23:40:09

Like I say plim I was being a killjoy. Thought it and had to say it. I'm sure you have your reasons.

Me and the kids don't have anything to do with my SIl, she's poison. It's up to DH if he wants to see her, but not with the children, or me. I appreciate it's not always that easy.... do though please get your children on side, eyes wide open, who knows, one of them blurting out "Mummy thinks you're a manipulative witch and only puts up with because she loves daddy so much and she's better than you" might actually be the best gift you could ever give.

KC225 Mon 11-Feb-13 23:40:35

I once sponsored a dung beetle at London Zoo for a year for ex Boss' Christmas present

DumSpiroSpero Mon 11-Feb-13 23:50:39

Great minds think alike KC!

How about this for a charity gift?

Or, cheaper, a cactus?

Beckamaw Tue 12-Feb-13 00:00:59

Something thoughtful and nice, with obvious urine stains.

A mug saying "I'm a cunt"


FreshLeticia Tue 12-Feb-13 00:13:55

Charity gift. A urinal in an african city?

A bottom wiper toileting aid?

Narked Tue 12-Feb-13 01:29:26

Regift whatever she bought you. Or cut contact, as you're really not doing your children any favours by exposing them to that kind of person.

LeoandBoosmum Tue 12-Feb-13 01:42:01

A silk gag!

LeoandBoosmum Tue 12-Feb-13 01:43:14

Can you still buy a scold's bridle?

MaMattoo Tue 12-Feb-13 01:43:24

As we say in my language 'for you I have nothing but lots of love in my heart' said with extreme sarcasm.

One way ticket to fuck off sounds good too!

ChairmanWow Tue 12-Feb-13 01:54:30

How about a Dignitas gift voucher?


MooseBeTimeForCoffee Tue 12-Feb-13 02:07:47

One of these

Maybe you could fill it before you wrap it? smile

A picture of your children reading a copy of "Toxic Inlaws"

MyCannyBairn Tue 12-Feb-13 02:54:52

A heart.

wombatcheese Tue 12-Feb-13 02:57:45

A photo calendar, 12 months of her DS looking v happy with you

dolcelatte Tue 12-Feb-13 05:40:54

I think you would claim the moral high ground and make her look silly by giving her a conventional present, such as chocolates, flowers etc - don't descend to her pathetic level and don't waste time thinking about it - she's not worth it.

You say they are top doctors - are they psychiatrists? Do they understand one another?

RobinSparkles Tue 12-Feb-13 07:50:49

Get her one of these.

SecretNutellaFix Tue 12-Feb-13 08:16:43

Why are you buying your DH's mother's gifts?

You don't see eye to eye and she is his mother so it's up to him to get it.

lashingsofbingeinghere Tue 12-Feb-13 08:43:23

A life-size plastic cow moo!

lashingsofbingeinghere Tue 12-Feb-13 08:46:24

Or, the cheapest, nastiest scarf/chipped mug/egg cup that you can find in a charity shop. Hand it over in the charity shop plastic bag with a cheery note "Thought this was perfect for you! Happy birthday."

A life-size plastic cow moo!

Ooh no, they are waaay too nice! There's one in a garden near where I live, it's blue and white, really cool, and always makes me smile!

Actually, looking at that site, the 'standing cow' picture looks like it was taken by the beach huts on Seaford Beach (also near me!).

TweedSlacks Tue 12-Feb-13 19:06:52

A multi pack of Izal toilet paper ( ask your mum )
Or . A really , really nice Primarni Track Suit in pure 100% Nylon?

lolaflores Tue 12-Feb-13 19:20:56

I am a cunt mug
a dildo and slippers
a urnial in the african bush of your choice
norovirus cruise
Ticket to Fuck off

Can't stop laughing...o dear o dear

I have nothing to add except the very best wishes to her on the joyful occasion of her birthday.
Wine bottle full of piss and tell her you got it from an organic vinery.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 12-Feb-13 19:23:32

Karma sutra book, with positions ticked off.

chickensarmpit Tue 12-Feb-13 19:44:40

A spade to the back of the head.

cuppateaanyone Tue 12-Feb-13 19:53:21

Charity gift...best idea ever

How about this thread-shirt?

Seabird72 Tue 12-Feb-13 23:48:37

funeral plan

And this one for you?

wednesdaygirl Wed 13-Feb-13 00:12:02

Lol at this gringringrin
My mil offered to pay my sil not to marry her son, they hate each other

I on the other hand she loves thanks

But sil and i enjoy our bitch chats gringringrin

AmberSocks Wed 13-Feb-13 00:15:32

why do you have to buy her anything?why be fake?If your dh wants to buy her something let him,i wouldnt buy someone i didnt like and who disliked me back anything for their birthday.

If there was ever an occasion to gift someone with a large metal chicken, it's this one: http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/ also known as BOK BOK M-F-er!

I mock-threaten my DH and MIL with one occasionally when they get a bit out of hand. wink

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 13-Feb-13 07:10:23

I agrre with those who say an oxfam goat or similar

ratspeaker Wed 13-Feb-13 08:41:52

I've got an HMV card kicking about somewhere. Not sure if it was ever used
Yours if you want it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 13-Feb-13 09:07:56

HMV cards, you cant use them now anyway, can ya?

ratspeaker Wed 13-Feb-13 11:15:40

wink greg

thats why I thought it would be ideal grin

freddiefrog Wed 13-Feb-13 11:27:19

I have a similar MiL (although she didn't try to buy me off, she did tell DH he would be written out of her will)

We sponsored a donkey from the local donkey sanctuary for MiL one year but it went over her head

She just gets a card and a framed photo of the kids now.

Flobbadobs Wed 13-Feb-13 12:26:17

If you're going for a witch theme try this..
I have one, useful and mildly insulting at the same time...

SassySpice Wed 13-Feb-13 13:18:32

A bag of sprouts

bigbeniwish Wed 13-Feb-13 13:30:16

À lifesize cardboard cut out of yourself Giving à thumbs up

Pigsmummy Wed 13-Feb-13 15:45:39

Adopt a goat/chicken in Africa via Oxfam

Fishandjam Wed 13-Feb-13 15:48:41

A Sansevieria trifasciata plant. Common names are snake plant, or mother-in-law's tongue.

GooseyLoosey Wed 13-Feb-13 15:50:52

A pitchfork?

TitWillow Wed 13-Feb-13 16:02:01

A very beautifully gift wrapped four pack of value evaporated milk. Gives the maximum anticipipation and the maximum disappointment.

slug Wed 13-Feb-13 16:43:06

Or This book? Or how about being really evil and giving her this one?

LittleChimneyDroppings Wed 13-Feb-13 19:32:33

Get her a set of flying ducks to hang on her wall.

OTTMummA Wed 13-Feb-13 20:09:56

Yeah, get the cut out of yourself, but flip the bird on the other hand and wink.

MyDarlingClementine Wed 13-Feb-13 20:43:56

LOVE the Tame the Inner Dragon book.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 13-Feb-13 20:54:17

TitWillow my mum would be delighted with a four pack of evaporated milk - she used to have it in her cereal every morning until she was diagnosed with diabetes!

glossyflower Wed 13-Feb-13 20:59:07

A birthday card only with a message telling her not to contact you or your family again.
Sounds like a right bitch ... I think it's more harmful to put up with that kind of behaviour around your kids than to cut them loose completely.

plim Wed 13-Feb-13 22:04:40

Ah mumsnetters, I love you guys! Just read all of the ideas and tenure all so good I'm going to save to my desktop and use them for forthcoming birthdays. And yes, on a serious note she is a horror and yes I would love to cut contact but hey that'll be another thread soon "how do I cut off my mil whilst keeping my dh" - watch this space, and thanks

plim Wed 13-Feb-13 22:05:19

Tenure ??? Sorry they're not tenure (iPad)

mum382013 Wed 13-Feb-13 22:16:01

a muzzle?

Ridersofthestorm Wed 13-Feb-13 22:51:40

One of them experience day gifts, like a bungee jump off a very very very high cliff

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