to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

(151 Posts)
uggbug Mon 11-Feb-13 20:15:42

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 20:18:19

Your body totally up to you who you do or don't tell.

tinygreendragon Mon 11-Feb-13 20:20:15

You know you both did something wrong and in your mind you should have to deal with it on your own?

No way. He was also in the wrong and should support you while you both deal with it.

ELR Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:06

You know best but old you live with the secret?

HollyBerryBush Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:14

Wow. Thats a big secret to keep.

You do realise you can never tell you mum, sister, best friend dont you? it will be your secret until your grave? You can never let it out anywhere.

If you are strong enough to compartmentalise your life like that , then me/we/us on MN can't advise you - we can only support you in your decision.

Xales Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:35

If it is the right thing for you then I think you should do it and stay quiet.

Just be aware is it something you will keep to yourself always? No dropping it in an argument to hurt him or telling someone else. As soon as you tell one other person it is no longer a secret.

Tough decision

/hugs

ELR Mon 11-Feb-13 20:21:53

Could you live with the secret I mean

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:17

It's up to you, but is there anyone else you trust to go with you because it's a hard hard thing to do alone.
It's not something I could keep from my husband but YANBU to deal with it however it is best for you.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:31

Yanbu. Your fanny, your decision entirely.

saycheeeeeese Mon 11-Feb-13 20:22:51

How will it make you feel OP?

Personally I believe its your decision in the end but lies/deceit never end well.

YouOldSlag Mon 11-Feb-13 20:23:07

He will learn nothing if you keep it a secret, and it will therefore happen again. This is his problem too.

It's your body and your choice. Make that choice first then have a think about your actual relationship, and whether or not you want to stay in it as it doesn't sound all that good.

deleted203 Mon 11-Feb-13 20:24:38

I wouldn't flame you, because you are in a sad situation and I can see why you are feeling like this. I honestly don't think you should terminate a pregnancy without telling him, though. It feels like a huge thing to keep from someone, and whilst I agree that if you absolutely don't want this baby it should be your decision, I still think he has the right to know about it. I just can't feel that it bodes well for your marriage if you do this without his knowledge.

Kyrptonite Mon 11-Feb-13 20:25:13

I would do it. I was also tempted with DD but couldn't go through with it. We've now separated because he wants me to abort DC3 and I won't.

It's a tough decision to make. What if you let it slip one day and he found out? It's also fucking painful and your hormones will be all over the place for a while so you would need to consider explaining that.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:13

YANBU

You don't have to tell anyone.

He doesn't get a say unless you want him to.

BinksToEnlightenment Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:56

It's your secret if you want to keep it - but I don't think you should. I don't think it's something you should go through alone.

lannyshrops Mon 11-Feb-13 20:28:11

Hmmmm...I would talk this through with my DH. It took the two of you to create this situation and i dont think its fair to expect one of you to make the decision.

I really would advise talking this through with someone in RL as either decision has potential far reaching consequences which I suggest need to be explored.

I cannot say if YABU or not, it's really not my call.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope you can find the right decision for you

SirBoobAlot Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:29

It's entirely up to you, but I think if you don't tell him, and it comes out at some point down the line, that may cause more problems than a difficult discussion now.

Un-MN hugs to you either way though.

I understand your point of view, and I'd be inclined to do the same in your position, but YOU weren't the only one acting like an immature teenager, he was too and this pregnancy is also the consequence of HIS behaviour.

So why should you be the only one to bear the emotional responsibility? He's just going to carry on being casual about the risks and then what are you going to do? Push him off you in bed next week and say "Well, actually..."?

foslady Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:38

You do in life what you need to do. No flaming here, if you think it's for the best, then do it. If you think you are strong enough to tell him and stick with your decision, then do it. Only you know your dh.........think of all the options in 5 years time and go for that path

Icelollycraving Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:58

Aibu is quite a harsh place,do you want a flaming?
You may get one,you just never know on mn.
Fwiw,I think you should do what you think is right for your life. Agree with the person who said you wouldn't be able to tell anyone ever if you don't tell him. No telling someone after too many glasses of wine,no reprisals in the future.
Have no idea what you should do,but mn can be a bloody godsend when you need support.

Which all sounds really mean. I'm Sorry. It's a horrible position to be in, don't make it worse by bearing the whole burden yourself - he could be really supportive and helpful if you let him.

BagCat Mon 11-Feb-13 20:32:18

Every woman is entitled to her own private choice (goes without saying) but I know I could never keep a secret like that from my husband, I'd feel too bad. I think I come from the side of being able to tell him exactly how you feel and him being understanding and supportive because for you it would be for the all round good.

Him finding out something like that in the future would be a complete disaster and who knows in 20 years if you might let it out, feel guilty, etc.

It is your choice though. 100%. Best wishes.

I had an abortion that I deeply regret every day. One thing I seriously lacked (because of the situation) was support.

Actually having an abortion is much much bigger than just saying "I would or I wouldn't". I am definitely pro-choice but OP I would really advise you at least tell someone (relative/friend) so that you've got support and someone to talk to should you need to.

In your situation I WOULD tell him, Yes it's your body and your choice but this situation involves him too I think he at least has a right to know.
There can be lots of unexpected and unwanted feelings and emotions after having an abortion and you may want to tell him then, i think it's better he knows before rather than after.

stickingattwo Mon 11-Feb-13 20:33:06

Your body your choice. No one can tell you if YABU or not.

Softlysoftly Mon 11-Feb-13 20:35:46

I think it's totally your choice to abort but also believe a marriage only operates on total openness and trust so for me if DH or I were able to keep a secret that big from one another it would lead me to question everything.

So for me YABU but my version of marriage is not everyone's. Turn it around and ask how you would feel? Would it damage your Trust?

Also as pp says don't underestimate the physical and emotional impact you will have to hide. Forever.

TicTacSir Mon 11-Feb-13 20:37:12

Is there a very good reason why you 100% don't want any more?
I ask that because when I was adamantly telling DH that no way could I carry and give birth to a third child, I went out of my way to prove it... I had a coil fitted, which didn't work for me as it made me quite poorly, and then I got sterilized.
Never would I have had unprotected foreplay!!
I'm not judging you and if you say NO WAY! then I believe you... but did a little 1% of you consider that a 3rd might be nice...?
In my opinion I couldn't hide such a big thing from DH. I'd also be looking at my two DCs and wondering how the family dynamic might have been different, who the unborn baby might have been like, etc.
If you have a huge discussion on how the other two DCs and babyhood was so hard, perhaps you could both come to an agreement... and if that means termination, then so be it. But Im not sure you'll shoulder the feelings of whatever it leads you to feel by yourself.

thegreylady Mon 11-Feb-13 20:39:15

Sad but entirely your decision

floweryblue Mon 11-Feb-13 20:44:32

You should be able to talk to your DH about this.

I still think it's ultimately your decision but not only is he entitled to have an opinion, he also has to take a responsibility for the situation you find both of yourselves in by both of your carelessness.

You also need to consider long term contraception together, ie you do stuff to your body or he does stuff to his.

thebody Mon 11-Feb-13 20:44:41

I think the decision to terminate is totally yours to make but the support and love needed to support you in this is the reason you got married in the first place.

What happens when he wants to mess around again to 'see how nice it feels' ??? You surely couldn't either not tell him then or allow it to happen again.

Takes two to tango, if you can't share this then what can you share.

returnvisit Mon 11-Feb-13 20:48:16

Why is the decision to terminate solely the op's? Both of them have made the baby.

If it was the other way around, most people would b up in arms?

How would you feel if dh made such a big decision without consulting u?

This will be the hardest decision you will ever have to make, and it is your decision. No matter what anyone else may say, in the end, you are alone with it - even if you told DH and he was there with you all the way, it would still be you taking the drugs and going through it, or carrying and giving birth. It's not up to anyone else.
Good luck to you.

kalidanger Mon 11-Feb-13 20:51:24

Is he likely to see you as a 'hard bitch'? Is that the sort if thing he'd say and think? I'm not casting about for ways to say he's a bad guy but you know him - he'd not think that about his DW?

If my DH was lovely I'd probably say "See??!" and terminate while he goes "Oh god, i didnt realise..." If I didn't have a lovely DH I'd probably tell myself I was just, uh, encouraging my period and have a drug TOP.

kalidanger Mon 11-Feb-13 20:52:18

Oh, and discuss a vasectomy?

Domjolly Mon 11-Feb-13 20:54:19

I think dont keep the baby if you dont want to but secrets like this tend to eat away at a marraige and wont you want the support i read termnations can be very hard emotionally

gordyslovesheep Mon 11-Feb-13 20:55:01

YANBU but I think it's very sad you can't talk to him and it may be very hard without support

I feel for you OP - what a horrible situation x

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 11-Feb-13 20:55:34

Completely your decision & AIBU is not the question to ask.

I do think you need to tell DH though, as has already been pointed out, he needs to know the consequences of his (& yours) actions.

I also think you need to have an adult conversation about contraception for the future as imo, if you definitely don't want any more children condoms are not the way to go.

gwenniebee Mon 11-Feb-13 20:58:04

I think the pressure of keeping a secret like that would be unbearable.

How would it affect your relationship if it comes out in the future and he knows you lied to him? IMO/E that kind of secrecy is fatal to a relationship.

aldiwhore Mon 11-Feb-13 20:58:05

From the little imformation you've given about your husband, YANBU... perhaps you're angry but from your op, I think YABU to remain with this man. He doesn't sound like he cherishes you. I may be way off. But your current situation reads like the least of your troubles.

Good luck, make the right decision for you. x

NumericalMum Mon 11-Feb-13 21:00:39

I really don't think you are being Unreasonable, but I would hope that if you have 2 children together your DH would be able to understand your reasoning. If he can't then I really do think you should have counselling no matter what you do right now. Take care.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 11-Feb-13 21:01:38

YABVVU, but it's your choice.

MummytoMog Mon 11-Feb-13 21:02:48

Oh god. If you can live with the secret, then it's entirely up to you, but if you ever ever told him afterwards, he'd probably be rightly very upset. So you'd have to keep it to the grave sad

I don't do so well with hormonal contraception and had the copper coil (after a similar fuck up as it happens so you're not the only one, I just realised a bit sooner that we'd had sex at totally the wrong/right time). First few periods were hell, but it's settled down nicely and is completely awesome.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 11-Feb-13 21:04:03

You cite strain on your relationship as a factor, but a secret like this could easily destroy a marriage anyway. Many of my friends have had terminations: they all needed support years down the line. Not sure how you could keep it a secret.

And actually I think that keeping it a secret and blocking your husband out over a decision over HIS child would be a dreadful thing to do. Might be your body but its not just your baby, is it?

Sausagedog27 Mon 11-Feb-13 21:08:05

Your decision op, I think it's sad you don't want to discuss it with him though.

Going forward you do need to sort contraception out long term. Would he consider a vesectomy or you a sterilisation?

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 21:10:52

I am going to bed but I decided to put this out there. I had a termination aged 17 my boyfriend and I split up before I found I was pregnant. I went to the doctors I got it sorted at 9 weeks i had councilling before and after. It was horrendous to this day the only person who knows is my DH who I got with three months after, I had councilling for nearly 10 years it was too much to take on alone. I really urge you to not do it alone OP it is so so hard.

apostropheuse Mon 11-Feb-13 21:14:25

YABU

At the very least he has a right to know that you are expecting his child and to at least let you know his feelings on it.

KeatsiePie Mon 11-Feb-13 21:15:00

I agree with kalidanger ... would hope he wouldn't think badly of you in any way here? I mean, what a shit position for you to be in; it was your mutual choice to take the risk but you are the one holding the bag now, either bag, so to speak -- that should be his concern.

Also, uh, we do this. I knew it was stupid but ... yeah we're stopping now.

I think it's okay for you to do what you think best here.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 21:15:31

Yanbu, your body, your choice.

Fwiw I would tell as I would want my dp's unconditional support throughout.

lubeybooby Mon 11-Feb-13 21:17:32

OP it isn't an easy thing to go through. You will need 2- 3 appointments and won't be allowed to leave the clinic alone after the last step whether you have the surgical or medical option. I've just been for a consultation today.

You will be in pain afterwards for a few hours and will need to rest.

It's going to be impossible to hide. Tell your DH.

RedToothBrush Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:09

Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2.

Totally up to you what you do. BUT if the marriage only just survived the last 2, and are suggesting that a 3rd would be too much, please don't think that an abortion is the obvious solution to this problem either. A termination could equally be the thing that breaks the camels back and could destroy the marriage too. Particularly if its a secret one.

You might be able to keep it secret. You might not. And theres always the danger in the heat of an argument you'll blurt it out to him.

He said two is enough. Why not trust him on that as it seems like you are both on the same page with it? It sounds like you are scared he'll change his mind.

The thing is, if you don't talk about it, you'll never know just how he really felt.

More than anything else it sounds like there is a massive communication problem in your marriage - hence why you fell pregnant in the first place. And thats probably likely to bite you on the bum, whether you stick with 2 kids or end up with three ultimately.

RufousBartleby Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:45

No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it

OP I think from reading what you have said that you are not going to able to cope with keeping this to yourself.

I think the resentment will eat away at you that you have had to carry this burden alone and next time he 'pushes' for sex you will be unable to contain that anger that you felt forced to go through this unsupported. Whatever he might think now (and if he thinks you are a bitch that says more about him than you) it will probably be more corrosive to keep this to yourself.

I get the feeling that you don't really think it is okay for him to 'get away with it' without seeing the consequences of your actions either.

MoppingMummy Mon 11-Feb-13 21:20:03

I definitely couldn't keep such a big secret. I would be really worried about something going wrong or your dh finding out you'd gone behind his back with something as huge as this.

Btw we acted stupid before too and ended up with a third dc - she is absolutely amazing & I could never imagine life without her - would a third really be so bad?

Sidge Mon 11-Feb-13 21:20:08

Secrets in marriage can be a terrible and destructive thing and concealing an unwanted pregnancy and subsequent termination could be the death knell for your marriage.

everlong Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:00

I agree it's your choice. It's a hard decision to make alone though and a huge burden of a secret to keep to yourself.

Are you scared to speak to him?

Theicingontop Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:32

Your choice, but op, have someone there for you. It will hurt, and you will need to rest and sleep. It's like having a miscarriage, and you'll find it hard to keep discrete I think sad

BimbaBirba Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:42

What a terrible position to be in! Apart from everything else, have you considered the practicalities of having an abortion? Even at such early stage, you would need someone to look after your children while you're in hospital and someone to drive you home afterwards. They send you home the same day but they don't let you drive. Of course you could take a taxi home but what are you going to say when you get home? You're going to be devastated physically and emotionally. You'll be weak and bleeding heavily. How could you hide it? And WHY hide it anyway? Why take this huge weight all on your shoulders?

Morloth Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:58

It really is very sad that you are in this position all alone when you two should be working together.

Having said that, it is totally your choice so you wouldn't be consulting him on whether or not you should continue the pregnancy, just letting him know what is going on.

Can you keep this secret? Will it eat away at you. Would it not be 'cleaner' to tell him you will be getting a termination and deal with the fallout whatever that may be?

Harder in the short term certainly, but possibly easier in the long term.

You both need to get your act together with contraception.

discrete Mon 11-Feb-13 21:28:50

Your body, your choice.

But you deserve some support going through it. You say 'I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?', but that is not the point. He should not have a say, it is not his body. But he should support you through it, and accompany you while your hormones are all over the place.

'Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?'

The alternative is that every time you talk about it this goes on in your head only, along with the stress of keeping your secret. Will it break you in the long term?

Marriages are made and lost on shared experiences. By trying to spare your marriage, you may end up driving a wedge between you that he doesn't even know about, and making it harder to develop a truly solid relationship. TBH, I feel that if your marriage cannot survive supporting you through this, it's probably not solid enough to make it in the long term anyway.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 11-Feb-13 21:30:44

Was it you or him that really didn't want another, OP? Is it that you can't tell him because you definitely don't want one and you think he might? Marriages with secrets are hard to keep intact. I believe a termination would impact on you and he would have no way of understanding why, and you may even resent him for it. Partners should deal with things together.

member Mon 11-Feb-13 21:33:58

I'm interested in how you think you'll deal with him when he wants "foreplay" with no condom afterwards? Things will be exactly the same for him if he doesn't know yet different for you.

You don't know that he won't be of the same opinion as you if you tell him anyway.

elliejjtiny Mon 11-Feb-13 21:41:25

I think you should tell him. Not wanting to put you off but even an early abortion is physically very painful and sends your hormones into overdrive. I think you would find it impossible to hide.

mynewpassion Mon 11-Feb-13 21:45:59

I am sorry but I don't condone ending pregnancy without her DH knowing. That's no way to conduct a marriage.

Yes, its her body and I support women having the right to choose. However, if you can't even speak to your spouse about ending a future child's life, then you should get out of the marriage. Trust is broken. Regardless, this marriage will likely end if he finds out that she did it without his knowledge.

StuntGirl Mon 11-Feb-13 21:55:20

Another one who thinks you would struggle to keep this secret to the grave and that the resentment would eat away at you.

Aside from anything else you BOTH made the foolish decision that led you here, you should both have to deal with the consequences. If anything it will show him why 'just putting it in cause it feels nice' is a pretty shit thing. Why should you be the only one to bear the brunt of this?

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 21:59:30

It's up to you.

You can choose.

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:01:04

I wouldn't be able to keep such an enormous thing secret from my dh because I think secrecy over something so important can be really destructive. I feel sorry for you, it must be a really hard place to be. None of us can advise you though- you have to decide.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 22:01:28

Even in a marriage people have the right to privacy particularly about health issues, which this is.

I think the op should tell her dh so he can support her, but ig he isn't going to do that and indeed if he will do the opposite then she has every right not to tell him.

The issue is if she can live with that, secrets can eat away at you sad

But it us entirely the op's choice and her dh does not have a right to know.

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:09:59

Can I also add that if you do decide to go ahead and terminate, you'll need to think of how you'll find a way to not play fast and loose with your fertility in future, without letting on to your dh what you did. As you say, this way would provide no chance for a 'lesson to be learned'. You don't want to be finding yourself in this situation again and again

Samu2 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:20:00

Well, your body your choice but I wonder how on earth this won't cause huge issues in your marriage at some point. I would also be very concerned for the state of my marriage if I didn't want to turn to him in a situation like this.

He is just as responsible for this and it doesn't seem fair that you now have to deal with the consequences while he goes happily about his life.

I think it would be a very bad idea and I am really sorry you feel you have to even consider not sharing this with someone you are meant to turn to.

florencebabyjo Mon 11-Feb-13 22:27:56

Just go and do it and then forget it. Because you are so sure it is the wrong thing for you you will be able to compartmentalise it and pack it away. A lesson learnt, but I think it sounds like the best thing for all of you. Move on and make what you have work for you. Maybe reconsider condoms though. The mirena coil works for 5 years and is very effective, the doctor can fit it once you have sorted this. Will solve the foreplay problem too.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 11-Feb-13 22:36:50

OP if you want to have a termination and keep it secret, you can. I know. All this 'they will not let you drive' etc - they won't know. No one follows you out of the clinic. You make the appointment, you take the pills, you get yourself home somehow, taxi or whatever, and you say you have your period/ D&V/ 24 hour bug and need time alone in the loo.

Also, all this 'you might need counselling for 10 years' afterwards. You might. You might not. Some people just never look back. If you really don't want a 3rd, you'll likely be one of those.

The point is not can you have an abortion, will you be okay. You will.

The point is, why are you in a relationship where you can't tell your DH this? That is your real problem. That is what you cannot keep sticking your head in the sand over.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 11-Feb-13 22:39:29

Put it this way - DH and I are not quite ready to have DC yet. We are in a bad place and he might get made redundant soon. Recently after we messed around once I started having what I now think are stress-related symptoms - feeling sick a lot, basically - which I initially worried might be pg symptoms.

DH was the first person I told. He would not have been/ was not happy. But he was the first person I told because he is the person closest to me in the whole world.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but really, why isn't your DH that person for you? sad

LeoandBoosmum Mon 11-Feb-13 22:42:28

If I were your husband I would at least want to be told/ consulted/ have my feelings taken into consideration. Others here may say, 'it's your body' etc but it takes two to make a baby and I personally think it's wrong to make such an important decision alone. It is up to you what you do but I think you may be overwhelmed at the moment. Think very seriously about it, involve your husband...you may feel you do actually want to proceed - and make this your last child - if he is supportive. I honestly think many mums feel differently once the child is here... Let us know how it goes.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 22:51:33

You may want to know but you have no right to know and biology dictates that the woman gets to choose.

But what revolting said. If this was me I would tell my dp knowing he would give me his unconditional support in whatever I wanted to do.

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 22:54:15

Abortion does not always have to lead to counselling 10 years down the line and feelings of guilt and terrible moments of self doubt.

Some people have an abortion, have a huge and profound sense of relief and never look back.

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 22:54:49

All the "taking a secret to the grave" stuff is massively dramatic.

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 22:55:30

"You'll be weak and bleeding heavily"

Hmmmm, not always.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 11-Feb-13 22:58:03

Grey, quite, and if you are, you say you are ill and go to the loo. It doesn't last that long.

The practicalities are not the point. Your relationship is the point. OP you need to be with someone you don't tiptoe around.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation sad

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 23:00:11

YANBU to do what you want with the pg

YABU not to tell your H

uggbug Mon 11-Feb-13 23:01:22

Thanks all for your very kind and really helpful advice. This is a ridiculous situation to be in and I already feel massively guilty about being so stupid. I always said I would never be able to have a termination and some of your practical descriptions are very sobering. I dont mean to sound flippant at all or dripfeed just wanted to get the question out there asap. My dh is lovely, just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something if he doesnt believe theres an issue, which is quite selfish in retrospect. He will support me, I am just so worried about being the one who decides this for us - what if he is unhappy about it and I do it anyway - that does not go away. We had a miscarriage between dcs and it affected him a lot. When I said our marriage only just survived before I meant I was depressed both times and it was tough. Only now they are 3 and 1 is life bit more manageable.

Viviennemary Mon 11-Feb-13 23:05:30

Well I think the stress of carrying secret could be too much of a burden for you to carry. But only you know this. And also if you have regrets afterwards on feel depressed it will be even more difficult if you have not talked this over beforehand with your dh as you won't be able to tell him then. Hope you work things out and do what is best.

magimedi Mon 11-Feb-13 23:07:08

You are fully entitled to go & have the abortion.

Your body, your choice.

If you decide to do it without telling your DH that is also OK.

Your body - your choice, yet again.

BUT.............

You can never tell him about it, EVER. You have to keep it as a secret for the rest of your days.

And I would recommend that you don't tell your best mate/sister/mother/brother.

You tell no one (apart from Mumsnet - who have no clue as to who you are) and you keep it that way. FOR EVER.

Then it's fine. Honestly, truly fine. But you keep stchum for ever more.

And I'll be here to hand hold. Don't know you so it's OK.

ImagineJL Mon 11-Feb-13 23:10:08

Only you can know if a termination is the right decision for you, so try not to take too much notice of other peoples personal experiences, as they are all so different. for example, I had a termination when I was 20. I knew I didn't want a baby then, and when it was all over I just felt relieved that I could carry on with my life. That will sound heartless to some people, but that's how it was for me. It hasn't haunted me at all, never, And I have no regrets at all.

I think your biggest problem is that this may happen again unless you are able to address the contraception issue, and you won't be able to convince your DH of the importance of not taking risks if he doesn't know the full story.

dreamingofrain Mon 11-Feb-13 23:23:43

YANBU, it is absolutely your body and your choice. OP, I have terminated a pg without telling my DH and I don't regret it one bit. We had both decided that we didn't want any more dc, so it was pointless discussing it, I always knew termination was the right option. But I had always been the more decisive one in my marriage regarding dc, and I didn't want DH to sway me as I felt the decision was mine to make alone. I think DH might have tried to convince me to keep it if he'd known about it, but that's an easy thing for men to say as they don't have to deal with pg, childbirth, the bulk of childrearing etc.

It was a very straightforward medical abortion for me. DH was fortunately out of town for a few days so I didn't have to hide anything from him. I didn't have any problems managing it by myself, I didn't feel it was a heavy secret or burden, or feel the need to talk about it to anyone. I suppose I've always strongly felt that it's a woman's right, so I see nothing to be ashamed about.

I went to get the implant a few weeks afterwards - one of the most effective forms of contraception and the best thing to go for ime, if you don't want the finality of the snip/sterilisation.

I do agree that you need to keep it quiet, and not confide in other people. If you felt you needed to talk it over with someone, there are lots of free counselling service, or helplines. There is no trace at all of my termination, I didn't keep any paperwork, it was done privately so not linked to my medical records, none of my family or friends ever knew.

Kyrptonite Mon 11-Feb-13 23:29:00

I left the clinic alone after a medical abortion. I guess it differs on where you are in the country. The only way I see he would find out without you telling him is if something went horribly wrong and he was your next of kin.

I think large secrets are corrosive to relationships.

Obviously the termination is entirely up to you but not telling him is very sad, why should you have to carry that shit around when HE was the one waving sperm into your fanjo. No consequences for cock waver?!?

What happens when he grumps at you that it 'was fine last time' when he wibbled around inside you?

angry for you and sad at the same time.

StuntGirl Mon 11-Feb-13 23:41:11

I think the 'to the grave' comments are a reference to the fact that if she does this behind her husbands back she can never tell him. Or anyone else in case it gets back to him second hand.

So she must be willing to keep this from him forever. Which will be fine if an abortion is nothing more than a sigh of relief and a weight off her shoulders, but won't be if it's something she struggles with.

And I'm not being so patronising as to assume she will struggle with the abortion per se, but the feelings of anger being in this position, and that her husband helped put her here, the strong insistence she's going to have to adopt on contraception from now on...all without being able to say a word. I think people are just cautioning her to be aware of what that entails should she choose that option.

Kleinzeit Mon 11-Feb-13 23:41:25

I agree it is your decision but keeping it secret is not going to work.

And I don't think you're the stupid one. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself. You got pregnant because your DH chose to take risks for his own pleasure and because the two of you weren’t using a very reliable means of contraception anyway. So how are you going to stop it happening again, especially if your DH doesn’t even know you got pregnant this time? How will you convince him what he’s doing is unsafe and he has to get the snip or at least use the blasted condoms properly in future?

I would confront him. And never mind him thinking that I am a hard bitch - I would nail his head to the floor for being such a stupid irresponsible selfish creep who didn’t care about me enough to protect me from a situation where I might need a termination. And poor diddums is stressed at work? If he’s as careless at work as he is at home then no wonder.

He is not a child and you can’t protect him from the consequences of his own stupidity by hiding them from him.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 23:45:08

I couldn't keep such a huge secret from my H, not if I wanted to stay with him and grow old with him. It's his baby too, and he is equally responsible for creating it.

I would end up blurting it out, or getting maudlin after a few gins and spilling my guts. I would need his support, and the knowledge that we were in it together. We are not talking about a ONS where neither of you owe each other anything here

But then, that is me. And that is my relationship. I accept it isn't the same for everyone. But I did really think that was what marriage was all about. Other wise, it's just two strangers having sex, isn't it ?

(He wouldn't sway my decision once I had made it though, for the record)

StuntGirl Mon 11-Feb-13 23:45:30

And sorry to derail the thread slightly but I read lauries post to my partner and he shook his head and said "Some of those women have a way with words don't they" grin

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 23:46:51

If I didn't get those things, I would consider my marriage over.

ouryve Mon 11-Feb-13 23:47:13

Reeling at the first few replies. A marriage needs to be based on trust. If you're worried about his reaction, then you're asking the wrong question.

Elderflowergranita Tue 12-Feb-13 00:00:17

I think there are some really wise words written here.

Of course you have the right to choose what happens to your body. But it's a really tough burden to bear alone - don't underestimate the impact it will have.

By not telling your DH you may well end up resenting him for all of this.

There really is no easy answer here sad.

Morloth Tue 12-Feb-13 04:44:05

Something is no longer a secret if more than one person knows.

If you are going to keep this a secret and intend to never tell him, then you are also cutting yourself off from anything other than professional support should you need it.

You might not need it, you might just shake it off, be glad it is all over and move on and not think about it again, but to be honest from what you have written here I am not entirely sure that will be the case for you. Obviously, I don't know that.

It sucks that you don't feel like you can tell him and have him look after you while you sort this out. It really does.

cuillereasoupe Tue 12-Feb-13 07:29:49

This is not some one night stand. This is her husband. It's his baby too. I think he has a right to know.

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 07:34:59

Why does not telling her dh cut her off from professional support? It makes it harder/moire complicated for sure but it doesn't mean she can't access it if need be.

And sorry but married or not he doesn't have a right to know, we all have a right to confidentiality over medical treatment.

In an ideal world yes she would talk it through and I would want to tell my partner if only for his support but he has no 'right' to know.

MrsMushroom Tue 12-Feb-13 07:37:57

He put it in/....you did not object....you're as much to blame. Tell him. It's an awful thing to do when your other half has no idea. If you have any morals, it would burn you up with guilt.

penguinplease Tue 12-Feb-13 07:45:38

I haven't read all the replies but I have done this. Almost identical situation. Did it alone, have never told a soul and have never wanted or needed support for it. Yes it was hard but the crucial thing is that I forgave myself and moved on. You can do it if you're sure its what you want.

Jenny70 Tue 12-Feb-13 07:46:18

I couldn't. If he went and had a medical procedure without telling me (particularly one that potentially affected me - say a vasectomy) I would be extremely hurt by the lack of trust. The deception and follow through lies would be more hurtful than the actual decision to do it without telling me.

I would have thought most reasonable people would accept a wife who comes to them and says "this is our mistake, but I can't do this, I don't want to do this, and I need your understanding and support".

I know when I had a "late scare" last year after similar shennanigans I was bricking at at telling DH, but I would have (and considered termination).... personally I don't think having a secret that big between you is a good thing.

cuillereasoupe Tue 12-Feb-13 07:47:19

we all have a right to confidentiality over medical treatment

So say a couple are TTC and the bloke changes his mind and has a vasectomy on the QT, that's fine?

cuillereasoupe Tue 12-Feb-13 07:48:13

crosspost with Jenny^^

freeandhappy Tue 12-Feb-13 07:57:44

How do you think he'd be if you presented it as "I didn't get my period but don't freak out I can go and get a very strong version of the morning after pill"?? That's really all it is. You will not need a taxi home or anything if you are just barely pregnant. It sounds like you need to consider the two children you already have who are so little still and how your care for them will be affected by another pregnancy so I think you are dpi g the right thing. But present to your husband as a fait-accompli. ie thi is what's happening. This is what it will cost. I have it booked and I am going to do it on my own. In return you ask that he not freak out, be very grateful to you and proud that he has a strong, capable, decisive wife who knows her limits and is resourceful enough to deal with a mistake you both made. And that he does all childcare this weekend and never has sex with you unprotected again.

It is your choice.

However I have been where you are, I am sad to say, and for precisely the same thing. Only problem was my partner and I had only been together 2 months and he was adamant that having kids ruined his marriage... So I did it. Didn't tell him. My best friend came with me.

In short, it nearly ruined us. I was an emotional wreck - no matter how sure you are, it's a lot to cope with, especially on your own. I didn't realise it but we grew apart because there was this void between us I couldn't cross anymore - secrets are the biggest killer of relationships. You will be building a wall between you that you may never be able to break down.

I eventually told my partner about a year later. I was drunk and I sobbed as I told him. To his credit he took it in his stride, but I know he was upset I hadn't told him and devastated that I'd done what I did and without his knowledge. It helped us repair some bridges, but still his faith in me was shaken and it took over two years to recover properly.

Please god tell him. Don't ever do what I did. You may not care about the pregnancy but if you care for your relationship, talk to your husband because your marriage WILL suffer for it.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 12-Feb-13 08:02:12

I dont mean to sound flippant at all or dripfeed just wanted to get the question out there asap. My dh is lovely, just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something if he doesnt believe theres an issue, which is quite selfish in retrospect. He will support me, I am just so worried about being the one who decides this for us - what if he is unhappy about it and I do it anyway

OP I don't know anything about your relationship but this ^^ worries me. Your DH is lovely, but he's just stubborn and won't listen when you say you don't want penetrative intercourse without protection....? That's what I'm understanding here - that his 'stubbornness' is around wanting to have sex without protection prior to pulling out and putting a condom on. Right? Even though you told him you didn't think it was a good idea?

Sorry, but when I put it like that, do you not see how you look very vulnerable within this relationship?

Because yes, you consented, but it sounds like under a bit of pressure, and you are the one bearing the physical consequences....

PS, the suggestion by the poster above is a very good one. I wish I had thought of that.

MummytoKatie Tue 12-Feb-13 08:03:14

I think you shouldn't have to go through this on your own. And he shouldn't think unprotected sex has no consequences. Or what happens the next time he wants to do it.

The post by freeandhappy

I think it's your choice because it's your body. I also think this 'secret' would be very, very hard to live with. Be careful OP - don't risk your life long peace of mind. May be best to face the horrible conversations now rather than try living with this concealed. I also agree a stubborn husband who insists on unprotected sex basically does sound like a problem in himself.

hackmum Tue 12-Feb-13 08:50:41

I agree with much of what's been said already. Without knowing your DH, it's hard to know for definite, but with that caveat, I think you should tell your DH.

Two reasons: one, he needs to know that his actions had a consequence, and therefore won't try and impose this kind of foreplay on you in future.

Two, if you don't tell him, the secret will fester away. You will become resentful of him, and you may let the secret out in an argument, which will make it all much worse. Or you won't let it out, but the resentment will remain.

Kleinzeit Tue 12-Feb-13 09:16:53

And you’ve said you have a history of depression? Having a termination in secret because you’re afraid that your lovely husband will secretly be angry with you, is about as good a recipe for starting a depressive episode as I can think of. You have the right to feel angry with him and to express your anger. Yet you have already turned any anger into self-blame – I am a fool, he will hate me forever. That isn’t sharing responsibility, that’s taking all of it.

If he is the lovely man that you say he is then he will accept responsibility for his (major) share in this situation and face up to the necessary consequences and to your right to decide how to deal with them, however painful that is for him. He will be angry with himself, not you. Unless he’s the kind of man who would blame you for his own mistakes you need to get this out in the open for the sake of your own mental health.

Some kind of counselling would be a good idea, possibly joint counselling so that you can get this out in the open. How you decide to do it – single or joint, before or after the termination (if you have one) – would be up to you. But don’t let this fester in secret. It’s too big a risk to your mental health.

I think freeandhappy has offered a great approach too.

I do think the practicalities make a big difference. You may be lucky and have no problems and be able to hide it but there is no way to know in advance. From the few experiences I can refer to (my own and some of my friends) I would not be so confident about hiding it, not from someone you live with, not when you have two small children who need to be taken care of.

Not only can the physical side effects be quite severe, but you can't really know how you will react emotionally (and I agree that if you have a history of depression this could be a worry). For myself, I was completely pro-choice, I knew it was not a good idea to have the baby, I had support, and yet I was very depressed for months afterward anyway (I have history of depression too).

Most important though, he needs to know the consequences of his actions! You are putting equal blame on yourselves but I have to say, it sounds more like you are used to just putting up with his stubbornness and have been going along with it because you know he won't change. Well, this should make him change.

This may be cynical but if you tell him and it ends up destroying your marriage, then your marriage was not destined to last anyway. There are bound to be more tough times ahead and you can't go through life keeping secrets and taking all the burden on yourself because you're afraid your husband will react badly. You deserve much better than that.

Losingexcessweight Tue 12-Feb-13 09:35:00

I would tell him, then discuss it together what you both want to happen. When dh knows, you have afew weeks to discuss it, really think about it etc to make sure its right for you both.

I dont think its fair to not give someone the choice on what happens to their unborn baby

Just because its your body, that doesnt mean you have the right to abort a baby that is also somebody elses.

PearlyWhites Tue 12-Feb-13 09:41:46

Yabu the baby would be just as much his baby as yours and how can you maintain a relationship with this deception.

momb Tue 12-Feb-13 09:49:13

I'd tell him. It's a huge secret to keep. He doesn't need to know how you are agonising over this; just tell him you are late and that you are going to the doctors tomorrow. He doesn't need to have a say, but he does need to know...and he won't hate you, as this is so early it's just taking a pill to prevent further cell division.
I don't think you are BU either way, but do think that you will sruggle long term if you do this alone.

It is absolutely your choice/decision.

However, I think your DH needs to know because you need to sort out the contraception properly. How do you let him know that "come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay" is actually completely incorrect or change the whole condom scenario without telling him why?

I don't think keeping this a secret is the right thing to do at all.

Strangemagic Tue 12-Feb-13 10:02:23

Totally your choice,but if you don't tell him how are you ever going to get him to get serious about contraception,it obviously only takes once to get pregnant.
You need to make sure that this does not hapen again,maybe this will be shock he needs to realise he needs to be more responsible when it comes to contraception,he is the one being selfish and irresponsible and you are the one dealing with the consequences,Good luck .

Morloth Tue 12-Feb-13 10:13:36

5madthings'Why does not telling her dh cut her off from professional support?'

Sorry, my comment might have been worded poorly.

I meant that professional support would be the only option as to lean on anyone else if necessary would mean that it was no longer a secret.

Her DH has no 'right' to know anything about her body, it is HER body.

I don't do secrets in my marriage, but DH has no 'right' to me, none at all.

fromparistoberlin Tue 12-Feb-13 10:15:22

you cant do this

you cant abort his child without telling him

mistakles happen, dont breat yourself up forever

but please dont do it, its immoral

I agree with others.
You need to talk to him about this and the sooner the better.
You need to tell him you are pg and that you don't want to keep it and you need his support to help you through.
I'm sure he'll support you if you have both already decided that 2 is enough!
I hope it all works out for you and let us know how you get on.

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 10:26:44

Thanks morloth i get what you meam now.

I agree with you i dont do secrets but my dp has no 'right' to know things particularly medical stuff.
Re a man having a vasectomy and not telling his partnet, he woukd have every right to do this. Whether or not its a nive thing to do is a totallu seperate issue and if a couple were ttc then it would come out at some point ie if they go for investigations re fertility.

This is the op's body it is her choice and no-one elses.

He had a choice to wear a condom.or not. Once the op became pregnant then the choice us hers and hers alone, thats the way it works as biology dictates.

Op i hope you can tell him and he will be supportive of your choice but your worries over this mean there are other issues in your marriage ti deal with.

Take care op xxx

Fromparis - no it's not HIS child. It's HER pregnancy. It's up to her. My concern about her not telling him is that it's a heavy weight to carry on your end of a relationship but if she doesn't want to tell him she's under absolutely no 'moral' obligation to do so. Marriage vows don't entail an absence of privacy.

curryeater Tue 12-Feb-13 10:28:13

uggbug, this is your decision to make but you sound very sad about having to do it on your own, and angry with your dh about him not having to take the emotional consequences if you do it on your own - "No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it".

What will you do with that anger in the future? What will happen next time your dh says "come on it took 18 months last time" and in your head you are thinking "no it bloody didn't and I had to have an abortion on my own"?

Would your dh knowingly let you go through this without support, disapproving of you instead of helping you? If so, he is a shit. If not, maybe he should be given the chance to support you. He might be broken hearted at you thinking he wouldn't be there for you.

I totally get what you are saying btw about the dcs nearly finishing you. I also notice: "just v stubborn and won't listen when you say we shouldn't really do something" - this is the sort of thing that makes me think you should not go through this alone because I am intuiting (might be wrong, but this is what I see) that you have the sort of relationship where he makes impulsive gestures and you cope with the practicalities, especially where dcs are concerned. I can imagine him saying "What a beautiful day, let's stay out and have a picnic lunch" and brushes aside your practical objections and you having to cope with finding the food and somewhere in the shade and there isn't a sippy cup for the little one and suddenly there is cream cheese all over your lap and they are whining because they need naps etc etc etc. This sounds like that sort of situation, on a grand scale, and if you let him get away with that you will resent him for ever. I also suspect he has no idea how hard having babies and small children is for you. It really can break you. Any truth in any of this?

Saski Tue 12-Feb-13 10:30:44

I'd like to point out that lots of people have abortions and don't suffer emotionally.

specialsubject Tue 12-Feb-13 10:33:34

no flames - you are preventing a few cells from developing into a baby that neither parent wants. That is the right thing to do. You are the pregnant one and you get to call it.

However I agree that this cannot be a secret - he needs to know that it is time for some real contraception or this will happen again. He must know that withdrawal is chancy!

so tell him what has happened and what you are going to do. And then one of you needs to get something snipped.

good luck.

That's true Saski

The problem, as I see it, is that you can't really know until afterwards whether you will suffer, emotionally or physically. Makes it difficult to plan to hide it from a partner, you just can't predict how feasible that will be.

TheBigJessie Tue 12-Feb-13 10:36:38

Oh, you poor thing.

I am pro-choice. It is your right to do this. However, I really don't think you should do this without telling him. You're a human being. You are already angry, and trying to turn it all into blame for yourself. and I think you will get angrier, because your husband will be saying things like, "it's been okay all the other times" when you try to persuade him to use a condom for foreplay. You are angry about being "pushed into sex". You are going to get angrier. How are you going to stop the same happening again?

How will the next twenty years feel with that amount of anger and resentment? I'm not sure what worries me more: that you won't be able to keep the secret, or that you will keep it. Either way, I think the secrecy and resentment will destroy you.

jamdonut Tue 12-Feb-13 10:41:57

I think you have to tell him.

I was not having any more children (had 2). I was 1 month into a new job and discovered I was pregnant. I was devastated. But I told DH and to my surprise he just said "We'll manage somehow". After that I never looked back, although 2 and a half years later it meant we had to move 250 miles away just to afford a big enough property for the 5 of us. That "accident " is just about to be 13.
We don't have much money , but we are a happy family.

curryeater Tue 12-Feb-13 11:05:41

Not helpful, jamdonut. This "we'll manage somehow" crap is exactly what she is afraid of. She gets to decide if she will manage or not.

uggbug Tue 12-Feb-13 11:08:19

Thanks all for massive support. You have persuaded me that it will be a good idea to tell DH, for two reasons, first to support me and also so that he understands the consequences. Thanks again this has really helped me going to talk to him tonight thanks

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 11:09:41

All the best, ugg x

Your husband's attitude is a worrying one. I hope you can sort it out.

TheBigJessie Tue 12-Feb-13 11:10:38

Good luck, UggBug

Please remember. You have no need to feel guilty for aborting.

I think that's a really good idea, good luck tonight.

Good luck

Hope it helped. Good luck, will be thinking of youxx

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 12:16:33

Good luck xxx

RevoltingPeasant Tue 12-Feb-13 13:01:48

Hey you, good luck and sorry if I was overly negative smile

juneau Tue 12-Feb-13 13:08:48

And please go and have a chat with your GP about other forms of contraception. There is more than one pill out there and there are new contraceptives coming onto the market all the time giving men and women choice as to how they prevent pregnancy. It's quite clear that condoms are not working for you!

fedupofnamechanging Tue 12-Feb-13 13:34:07

I think you will be right to tell him - not because he should have a say, but because he has put you in this god awful position and deserves to know that his actions have had terrible consequences for you. You should not be suffering alone.

If you are 100% certain that you do not ever want another baby, then you need to say to him that unless he uses condoms properly or gets a vasectomy (if the pill isn't working for you, health wise), then you will not be having sex. You can't let him continue to be selfish.

jamdonut Tue 12-Feb-13 14:41:43

curryeater

Well thanks for making me feel awful,when I was trying to help.

I was scared to admit I was pregnant again because I thought our family was finished, and we could not afford any more, and I thought my husband felt the same. But we came to the conclusion,together, that we would be able to manage. It hasn't been easy,especially as I mentioned, I had just started a new job. Luckily they were understanding,at a time when maternity rights were not as generous as they are now.

Non of my 3 pregnancies were "planned",(that's not to say we were particularly reckless,either) and I have never found out I was pregnant and been happy about it, it's always been a case of "Oh no!", for one reason or another (mostly redundancies) ,which makes me very sad.
But my husband and I have always discussed the situation. We wouldn't be without any of our children,(20,16 and nearly 13)

StuntGirl Tue 12-Feb-13 14:47:09

Good luck ugg. I hope the talk goes well.

Noren Tue 12-Feb-13 14:53:53

If it were me, and I kept it a secret, I would silently resent him for putting me in that position and it would break up the relationship. It's your body, your choice, but it might be healthier for your relationship to be able to let your anger out about it.

Dededum Tue 12-Feb-13 14:59:34

Good luck Uggbug

I had an abortion, after 2 kids. About 4 years ago, it didn't destroy me. I forgave myself before I did it and though sometimes I do wonder, they would have started school in September! But I know that there wasn't right answer, it was just a choice. You have to forgive yourself, other there is no choice.

I have two great kids, my marriage is stronger than it was then. Maybe if it been stronger then I would have made a different decision... But if...but if.... would tie you in knots.

Lueji Tue 12-Feb-13 15:02:33

I agree with others.
It's your body and your decision, but in a healthy marriage, you should not to have to keep secrets like this. sad

He can resent you, but not telling can also destroy your marriage. Because of the lie and because of you keeping it inside.

StripeyBear Tue 12-Feb-13 15:05:09

Gosh - not a topic for here. You need some proper support.

TELL HIM!

He needs to share this with you. If you do decide to have a medical abortion, he can take you to the clinic, and pick you up afterwards and make you sweet tea and a hot water bottle.

I haven't read all the replies - but I suspect you have contemplated handling it like this becuase you think YOU will be able to pretend it didn't happen if you don't tell anyone. It doesn't necessarily work like that.

Big hug to you - I know this feel scary - but trust me - there are many worse things that could happen xx

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 12-Feb-13 16:25:31

Good luck Ugg , hope it goes well.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 12-Feb-13 16:42:44

Good luck OP! I hope your DH supports you in your decision and realises that he needs to be make more mature contraceptive decisions in future.

McNewPants2013 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:13:03

Good luck

Xales Tue 12-Feb-13 17:38:49

Good luck!

JenaiMorris Tue 12-Feb-13 17:43:08

Good luck love smile

You're doing the right thing. I had a termination after a brief and ill advised fling. I did it behind his back (in my defence I had tried to talk to him but he was being an arse). I ended up telling him out of spite. Not my proudest moment but understandable given the circumstances. I could see you blurting it out too, which really would be worse than telling him now.

fuzzpig Tue 12-Feb-13 18:40:23

Really glad you are going to tell him. Good luck.

KeatsiePie Tue 12-Feb-13 18:53:46

Good luck. Repeating what Ghoul said: I hope your DH supports you in your decision and realises that he needs to be make more mature contraceptive decisions in future.

jojane Tue 12-Feb-13 18:59:41

I fell pregnant at the end of last year, we already have 3 aged 6 and under, so don't want anymore due to finances, space etc. I wasn't going to tell DH, went to doctors to start the process but when I got there the doctor was a mother of my DDs friend who had just qualified as a GP and I didn't recognise her maiden name, I was mortified and just explained it was personal and I would rather see another doctor. I took it as a sign that I needed to tell dh, took me a few weeks to pluck up the courage though so I ended up having to have a medical procedure. Not sure what the pill option after affects are but I needed a couple of days in bed so wouldn't really have been able to hide it from DH. We both hated making the situation (dh More so than me) but I am glad I told him as if he ever found out he would have hated me for not involving him.

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