to not want another DC if it means they have to be in nursery from being a baby?

(30 Posts)
alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:44:03

I have a 5 year old and DP and I have an 8 month old together. I am currently studying for a degree, then will be taking my PGCE and going into teaching. We would both like one, perhaps two, more babies but the problem is timing/money. When I complete my PGCE and go back to work (into teaching) full-time our baby will be 3 years old and will go to nursery school. She has a summer birthday so she will be at primary school the year after. In order to get my career established, I could do with working for at least 2/3 years before having a baby and going on maternity leave. This is the first thing that puts me off as it means that there would be an age gap of 11 years between new baby and DD1 which is pretty big. Also, in an ideal world I would like to be home with baby until they are at least 2.5/3 years old. DP would not be willing to support me financially to do this and has no problem with baby going straight into nursery full-time. Personally, I would rather not have a baby at all than have a baby that is in nursery all day every day. I realise many people do not have a choice in doing this and I am not criticising them; but I do have a choice and I do not want that for my family. DP has said he'll leave it up to me if we have more babies or not and as much as I would love more, having one in full-time nursery is not what I want. I was considering that we could try for one now/soon and so be at home with them while I complete my degree, then do my PGCE when they are 2.5/3 years old. I have enough savings to be able to support myself to be able to do this. DP puts in little input about what he thinks we should do; he agrees that ideally I'd be home with baby til 2.5/3 years but isn't willing to support me in doing so. AIBU to say no to more babies if it means they'd be in nursery for their entire early years?

MrsHuxtable Mon 11-Feb-13 13:46:00

YANBU. Personally, I wouldn't either.

However, people will tell you it's ok because they have to justify their own choices.

NeedlesCuties Mon 11-Feb-13 13:47:11

"DP would not be willing to support me financially to do this and has no problem with baby going straight into nursery full-time."

Why wouldn't he support with £ for this to happen? It isn't just about supporting you but about your children together.

Is he always so vague about what he wants, or is this just his weak way of saying that he doesn't share your desire for TTC?

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:48:03

There are plenty of other alternatives to nursery for childcare

But if you aren't both 100% sure you want a baby then for goodness sake don't have one.

I think you have quite a dilemma on your hands tbh because I wouldn't want a massive age gap between children either

LeaveTheBastid Mon 11-Feb-13 13:48:44

YANBU at all if it isn't what you want. Personally I couldn't put a new baby straight into full time nursery. And whilst I wouldn't expect to stay home with them for 3 years, I'd expect to be at home for at least a year.

Why is he not willing to support you and why should you support yourself if you are at home raising his child? That doesn't sit right with me at all.

NeedlesCuties Mon 11-Feb-13 13:48:49

Bt the way, I have 2 children and both DH and I agreed that I'd stay home with them till the youngest starts school. Me doing this is saving the family stacks of £ on childcare fees. Does your DH realise how expensive nurseries are?

Yama Mon 11-Feb-13 13:50:20

You don't need a reason to not have another child.

Tryharder Mon 11-Feb-13 13:52:12

Ah yes, timing and money and of course, what we would do if the world were ideal! If you are dead set against nursery care for younger children, then obviously YANBU to not have another child - your decision entirely.

What you decide depends on:

How much you really want another child
How old you are and whether or not having another child now would be your last chance to do so iyswim

You say that your DP is not willing to support you financially while you take a period of extended maternity leave. That does ring some alarm bells for me - is he saying that because he is in a low or modestly paid job and your income is necessary to hold the family finances together? If so, then no problem. However, if he is a high earner but just doesnt want to support you then I would be questioning his committment and character.

DH is vague, DH is unwilling to support you financially and "I have enough savings to be able to support myself to be able to do this.". Your savings, not DH's. Why is the whole onus on you?

I think you and DH need to seriously discuss joint finances and what is right for your family. He doesn't sound on board. FWIW, there is a huge difference between a baby in childcare and a 2 year old in childcare.

funchum8am Mon 11-Feb-13 13:52:35

The PGCE route into teaching may have gone in 2.5/3 years and you could maybe do a part time school based route into teaching. Would that help?

Floralnomad Mon 11-Feb-13 13:56:03

Personally I wouldn't be having a baby with someone who wasn't willing to support me financially ,so whether it was in nursery or not would be an irrelevance .

twilight3 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:57:12

Support you???????? confused confused confused

SashaSashays Mon 11-Feb-13 13:59:22

Exactly what Floralnomad said.

What if something happened with the pregnancy that meant you couldn't return to work, then what would he say, tough shit I'm not supporting you???

Fuck that.

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:05:07

funchum - There is a part-time route available now, but we'd still have no family help so baby would still have to be in nursery. As a compromise he suggested we move closer to his mum (an hour away) so she can care for baby but - as nice as his mum is - we have very different attitudes to kids. I.e. she cared for DD2 when she was 8 weeks, DD2 refused the bottle of expressed milk and MIL contemplated driving to get a dummy 'to shove in her mouth' after 5 mins of crying, she was due to care for her at 5 months and said she'd buy some chocolate 'to bribe her with', she's cared for DD1 and just sits her in front of tv all day. As well as this, I don't want to move - I like where we live and DD1 is settled in school. He isn't willing to support me staying home financially as he has no problem with babies being in nursery all day.

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:08:50

I think you've answered the question yourself. There are so many fundamental differences in your views that I wonder how you could seriously consider having a child together. He is happy to use substandard free care from a relative, you aren't happy to use nursery...

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:09:12

Oh and I'm 27 so, it's not my age that's the issue so much but if I complete my degree, PGCE, work for 2/3 years then have a baby there'd be 11 years between baby and DD1 and 6 years between baby and DD2 - neither of us are keen on big age gaps.

Yama Mon 11-Feb-13 14:09:24

Well, I have no problem with using nurseries but I would still support my family if dh wanted to be a sahd. In a heartbeat.

There are alternatives to nursery for babies but if your partner is not on board be cautious about having another child

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:12:21

I think the problem is he pretty much sees the childcare as my problem/expense and whether I stay home for 2.5/3 years or pay full-time nursery fees then either way it's bloody expensive!

LittleTyga Mon 11-Feb-13 14:13:01

Why don't you go in as a Teacher Assistant first? Less time to train - less hours working and less stressful! Then when the children are older do your teacher training?

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:15:33

He definitely wants another baby, he's just more likely to only think about the practicalities once they're conceived/born whereas I don't want to be in the position where we have a baby that isn't practically planned for. I would also be happy to work if he could be a sahd but his career is very important to him - and also makes it impossible to support me in mine.

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:17:56

Because being a TA pays little (would barely, if at all, cover childcare) and also is extremely difficult to get into round here - a TA job at DD's school received over 500 applications and we are only in a small town!

SashaSashays Mon 11-Feb-13 14:18:14

I think the problem is he pretty much sees the childcare as my problem/expense

Do not have another baby with this man. I've seen the threads and know the women who have done this and then seem confused that they are lumbered with all the costs and work.

alisunshine29 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:23:57

That's exactly why I'm talking it through here Sasha. Problem is, he thinks I am B U for not wanting his mum to care for any subsequent kids in which case who pays for childcare wouldn't be an issue as it'd be free.

I'd find having more children easy if I didn't have to deal with the practicalities or expense. hmm Of course, if you let him act like this, and he is a bit useless, he will.

Do you think he sees you as the one who deals with this because you came already doing it, with DD1? This has to change.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 11-Feb-13 14:36:45

You shouldn't be having another baby with a man who 'sees the childcare as [your] problem/expense'. Really you shouldn't.

The leaving the decision up to you would annoy me too. We are currently considering a third - dh says it's up to me too but that's because we have the two he wanted and would be happy to just have them but would also happily welcome more - and would give whatever support, practical or financial, our circumstances and choices required, because they are his kids too. (And despite all this I do sometimes wish he would have a preference one way or another). It sounds as if your dp is saying it's up to you because he's disengaged. At best.

You're very young and while I understand not feeling you want a big age gap, they're not the end of the world. You do sound as if you are putting all sorts of conditions and specifications on your further family planning. Life isn't always amenable to such detailed planning.

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:40:12

YANBU
I wouldn't have a baby knowing it would have to be in fulltime childcare. We will not have more children as due to redundancy DH no longer earns enough to support the family and we are claiming tax credits until I can return to work in september when youngest starts school. We had planned 4 children we have 2 it will now remain at 2 as even if circumstances change our oldest 6 and the age gap would be too bug for us.
The decision to have a child has to be one the couple are both 100% comfortable with.

calandarbear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:41:10

Too big obviously not too bug.

expatinscotland Mon 11-Feb-13 14:54:32

Don't have another baby with this person. You have plenty of time.

socharlottet Mon 11-Feb-13 15:04:14

I think you are thinking too far ahead.lots can change in a 5 or 6 years.
also I am not sure what the problem with a big age gap is?

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