. . . to feel a bit pissy about giving someone's kid a lift

(104 Posts)
spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 07:48:04

I offered as they have 2 smaller kids that were out in the cold at night for a 8 o clock pick up on foot. It's not out of my way but will make things a bit more hectic than usual! Just became aware they are rather proud themselves in a hippy type way for managing without a car and actually, compared to myself, are very well off. I will still do it, and not a biggy, but do you think if people are all preachy about not having a car or the expense that goes with it, they should accept lifts ?

Uppermid Mon 11-Feb-13 07:50:36

Get a grip. You either want to help or not. If you don't, don't make the offer

CailinDana Mon 11-Feb-13 07:53:31

Well you did offer. It would be different if they were asking around for lifts all the time.

TallulahTwinkle Mon 11-Feb-13 07:53:45

I think people shouldn't offer lifts if it makes them feel pissy.


zookeeper Mon 11-Feb-13 07:55:04

Well YABU but I would feel the same smile

AngryBeaver Mon 11-Feb-13 07:56:31

If they are "proud" of themselves in a saving the environment way, then their child getting in your car would make no difference as you were going anyway. Same goes for cost- none for them.
I think either you offer to be nice. Or you don't.
It was kind of you to offer. Just go with that.

drownangels Mon 11-Feb-13 07:58:12

Pointless post. Why offer and then moan?

Jinsei Mon 11-Feb-13 07:58:17

FFS - you offered!! If you don't want to give them a lift, don't ask if they want one. YABVU!

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 08:01:37

Why are some people so bloody petty .don't offer a lift next time if you are going to be all pissy about it.

Yabu-You offered, so you made the decision to help them out.
Why do it, if you feel so strongly about them keeping a car?blush

Fwiw i don't have a car, they are toi expensive to keep and due to my age & the fact i would be a first time driver, the insurance would be astronomical- But i'm no hippy, infact far from itgrin
But if someone offered me a lift i would jump at the chancesmile

greenfolder Mon 11-Feb-13 08:05:07

hold on
you offered
you were going anyway
no extra cost to you
they no doubt had a plan to pick them up anyway

if you are going to do something nice, be nice about it
that is all

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 08:20:59

They are always asking for lifts and saying their kids were freezing having to walk in the snow

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 08:26:09

And i actually offered cos i presumed they were hard up. . Now they are posting stuff about the cost to the environment and our children's future through making unecessary car journeys. .

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 08:28:48

Pumpkin. . You miss the point. . Are you preachy and evangelical about not driving?

IDontDoIroning Mon 11-Feb-13 08:34:09

They made the decision not to have a car therefore they shouldn't be precious about their kids walking and getting freezing cold etc.
If someone offers fine but they shouldn't be always asking for lifts.
Would they repay a favour some other way seeing as they can't reciprocate with lifts?

Ragwort Mon 11-Feb-13 08:40:54

I understand why you feel a bit pissy about it, and it is possible to still feel pissy yet carry on doing someone a favour grin. It's a bit like people (& there are plenty on mumsnet!) who say they are not 'PTA types', too busy/important for that sort of thing yet fully expect their children to still receive the benefits of PTA fund raising.

I just think you are being very honest to admit it smile.

I give my DS's friends lifts every week to various activities because in their own words their parents 'can't be bothered'. Yes, I do feel a bit pissy about it but don't want the children to miss out, perhaps I am being evangelical about helping others grin.

ENormaSnob Mon 11-Feb-13 08:44:01

Don't offer in future then.

Sounds like its the parents attitude that's pissing you off rather than the lift itself?

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:24:12

Yes it is their attitude that offends... There is probably an analogy to be made about vegetarians and BBQ's. Maybe i am just evangelical about feeling pissy. . .

Tulahoob Mon 11-Feb-13 09:26:47

It would depend on their attitude:

If their attitude was 'We don't have a car, we are environmentally friendly and far superior to you. You are scum for having a car. We look down at you. Oh by the way can you give little India a lift home from Brownies?' I would be pissy!

If they just don't have a car and don't make a big superior statement about it and you offered to pick up their child then I wouldn't be pissy

Booyhoo Mon 11-Feb-13 09:29:44

why would there be an anaolgy about vegetarians? confused

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:33:22

It doesn't have to be vegetarians. . Could be someone who goes on about the evils of tobacco companies yet bums your marlboro lite

seeker Mon 11-Feb-13 09:34:20

So you offered the lift. They didn't ask for it. And you're pissy about it? Jesus wept- how mean spirited can you get! angry

valiumredhead Mon 11-Feb-13 09:35:27

Why offer if you resent it? Personally I'd be glad to give someone a lift if it meant them not hanging around in the snow but then I'm always stunned about what people get annoyed about on MN.

valiumredhead Mon 11-Feb-13 09:35:57

X posted with seeker

HeathRobinson Mon 11-Feb-13 09:36:13

<fails to work out vegetarian/BBQ analogy>

Booyhoo Mon 11-Feb-13 09:36:29

umm. ok. hmm confused

gorionine Mon 11-Feb-13 09:42:33

You should name change to meanspiritedaway, sorry but you are offered and then moaned and this is not very kind. YABU!

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:42:34

When i offered the lift i presumed they were hard up, since discovered that they choose not to drive and slate people who do run a car.. Seeker do you even know what feeling pissy means? I have never considered myself to be mean spirited but hey. . Thanks. I will ask for the thread to be moved to Am I just a Twat

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 09:43:09

YABU you offered I am sure they can wrap their kids up to walk to pick up dont be all concerned then pissed off for doing it, they didnt ask you you offered, I am not seeing what the problem is just because you are offeneded they dont have a car,

valiumredhead Mon 11-Feb-13 09:43:42

Your OP is extremely mean spirited. It IS mean spirited to offer a lift and then bitch about it.

Jules666 Mon 11-Feb-13 09:43:52

YANBU - I can sort of see where you're coming from. I think you offered because you thought they weren't able to afford a car of their own and then felt a bit annoyed with them slagging off people who drive but quite happy asking for lifts.

I know a couple of people who can drive but are always happy to go somewhere if someone else is driving but won't return the favour as they 'don't like driving'!

comingintomyown Mon 11-Feb-13 09:44:30


Plus I love all lift, parking, driveway related threads grin

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 09:45:47

Do you only offer poor people lifts without being pissy about it then?

Yanbu. They ask for lifts and clearly wants to benefit from other peoples car ownership, yet they berate people for running a car?

Hypocritical nutters.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:36

Mind you if they choose no car then their kids will freeze.
Maybe you should have just carried on your evil polluting ways ;)

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:50

do the family a favour and don't offer in future

i'd hate a 'friend' of mine to be slagging my values off online

seeker Mon 11-Feb-13 09:47:34

They didn't ask- the Op offered.

Apparently she only offers lifts to poor people.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:48:10

I think the "why offer if you resent it" lot ate vein unreasonable.
None of you ever do a favour thinking "this is a pita but hey". Ever? Just dream of unicorns all the time?

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:48:24

Enjoy cominginto smile Tho apparently, IAJAT

scaevola Mon 11-Feb-13 09:48:34

DH worked away (with the car) for several months recently. I accepted a lot of lifts which I had no means of returning in the short term, and I'm really grateful I have such generous friends.

We are trying to even it up now! And I did do a fair amount of ferrying non-related children around with mine on public transport.

Merl0t Mon 11-Feb-13 09:48:56

I don't have a car either, and I guess, in a way, I am 'proud' that in a very car-orientated World we manage without one. People regularly offer me lifts and I like to think it's because they're just trying to help. It is disconcerting to read that people might offer me help and then resent me for accepting the help! confused. Luckily, I almost always say 'no we're fine! but thank you!". I only accept offers of lifts if it's raining.

Please don't offer help if you are going to resent giving it!

GretaGip Mon 11-Feb-13 09:49:29

Should we only offer favours to the Hard Up then?


Isthisme Mon 11-Feb-13 09:50:57

What 'values'?
The values of poncing lifts off people and being all worthy at the same time.

I understand exactly why you are feelng pissy...I have felt the same in similar circumstances. If people want to be holier than thou about their green credentials, their lack of carbon footprint and their super dooper concern for the environment while looking down their noses at we lesser mortals, that's ok.

BUT...when they then accept a lift in my car and STILL bang on about their green credentials, their lack of carbon footprint and their super dooper concern for the environment...that's when I too get just a little bit pissy!

Sophie...are you listening to me??

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:51:19

Merlot I'm afraid they probably do.

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 09:51:21

Should we only offer favours to the Hard Up then?

aye especially if they have little waifs who are out in the snow grin

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:51:25

Oh Belinda, although you may be the actual ginger godess and are missing the point, Mumsnet is anonymous and most of the posts are about close friends and family members

Merl0t Mon 11-Feb-13 09:51:41

ps, you never know the real reason people don't drive. My brother regularly gives lifts to a colleague with epilepsy. NObody really knows about it. An older man my family is acquainted with (not family) couldn't drive for years as he'd been done for drink driving. He didn't talk about the reason he did not drive.

It's not only offering lifts to poor people though is it.

I'd happily offer lifts to anyone if I was going anyway (and often taking me out of my way) regardless of how much money they have in the bank. And not expect any type of reciprocal favours - it's called being nice.

However if the people I was giving lifts to were then ranting from their moral high ground about how much better than me they were for not having a car I'd certainly be pissed off and not offer again even if I didn't have to go out of my way at all. This would, in my opinion, be worse if they could also actually afford a car / taxi ride.

If that makes me mean spirited then fine. OP YAB a bit U because you did offer but in your shoes I'd be pissed off too.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:52:54

Agree with scave that you can always repay lifts. We are embroiled into various sports car shares and i try to get head by offering all the time to be in credit. smile

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Feb-13 09:52:56

No, I get you, they're like those assholes that give up buying cigarettes.

But still fucking smoke.

And depend upon the fact that other people will still be buying them and that it is polite to offer.

I think it is extremely mean-spirited to refuse to run a car but allow other people to put themselves out to provide you with the comforts of car travel.

I walk everywhere local, and I always refuse lifts. Because I don't see why my preference for walking everywhere should mean friends have to give me lifts just because it is rainy or cold.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:53:57

Lol. I ain't no ginger! No I meant to merlot that they do resent it.
Calm down ! grin

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 09:54:10

Belinda, i confused you may with another post and got all pissy and twatty with you! So sorry dear..i meant Damemargot

seeker Mon 11-Feb-13 09:54:44

And it is a good idea to have fewer cars on the road. I live in the back of beyond, so I can't manage without a car, but I'm much happier if all the seats are occupied whenever possible. It reduces my carbon footprint a bit, so I feel less guilty about driving so much.

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 09:55:09

no-one was poncing off the OP

she offered the child (who i assume isn't old enough to have a driving licence anyhow) a lift

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 09:57:01

Lol. I did wonder! weeps ;)

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 09:57:14

erm, ginger?

i wished, then i could be Vivienne Westwood <preens>

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Feb-13 09:57:37

Bullshit, the parents are totally poncing that lift.

Now they don't have to pick their kid up from that activity.

A favour they know they will never pay back.

Because if their "morals" hmm

what did you offer for then? do you like feeling pissy?

Wants4 Mon 11-Feb-13 09:59:16

You offered a lift because they mentioned younger kids were freezing being dragged out at 8 at night. You offered to help them. You presumed, as would I, that they had to forego a car due to finances.
Then they brag about being eco-friendly etc. Of course they are eco-friendly, they have sucked you (and probably others) into doing their driving for them.
Nothing against the eco-warrior. But use public transport, or walk, or arrange your activities so you don't have to drag small children out at night. Past bedtime imo.
And don't brag about being better off because of your eco-drive.

seeker Mon 11-Feb-13 09:59:53

Because it is sooo inconvenient to pick up to children rather than one....what is this with the pull up the drawbridge, I'm all right jack, look after number one attitude? It's just horrible.

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:01:07

Haha Belinda. . Was that get ahead? Or get head? Great plan!

valiumredhead Mon 11-Feb-13 10:01:22

It is horrible.

Yes that attitude is indeed horrible seeker.

But i'm buggered if i'm going to help out people who think they are morally superior and are looking down their noises at the specific thing I am doing to help them out. I think that attitude is just as bad, if not worse.

aldiwhore Mon 11-Feb-13 10:03:20


You offered. Simple as that. They could be the devil duo incarnate but that wouldn't be the point, you offered the lift and now you're being pissy and judgey.

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 10:03:40

it's a lift in the car

it's nice thing to offer, especially if it's cold/wet

no need to slag off the whole family for it

(ooo, that's like one of scottishmummys posts grin )

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 10:04:00

I agree with wants.

YANBU. They're hypocrites and scroungers. If they have morals they should use them. Why can't one parent collect older child though? That would save shoes being worn so quickly and be environmentally friendly.

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:04:14

Ok ok! I am an unreasonably meanspirited, pissy twat!

Floggingmolly Mon 11-Feb-13 10:04:43

Did you just offer to test whether they would accept or not? hmm
I'm sure they'd find your "attitude offends" too, if they read this thread.

SignoraStronza Mon 11-Feb-13 10:05:25

When I lived abroad with my abusive ex and our dc I worked f/t in two jobs and sent dc to nursery. I did this in order to put clothes on mine and dc's back, feed us and afford the occasional trip home as the ex never shared any 'family' finances.

Ex drove around in a brand new company car and had 42k savings in his current account. I rode around on a rickety bicycle with a seat on the back to take dc to and from nursery. He was disgusted that I asked him to buy me a cheap runaround that I would tax, insure and run. I knew better than to bring it up again.

When, inevitably, it chucked it down, snowed or the bike broke, I either chucked dc in a sling and trudged home or, if I was lucky, the staff would occasionally take pity on me and offer us a lift.

Yes, I probably did appear to be a well off hippy but really hope that the lifts weren't offered begrudgingly.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 10:05:55

This is like those threads where someone criticises a friend and gets endless "some friend you are" posts.

No one can criticise anyone ever. Unless they feed the kids heroin or summat

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:06:46

I didn't offer begrudgingly. . Maybe i am passive aggressive? ?

drownangels Mon 11-Feb-13 10:07:57

Athinginyourliife Ok maybe they wil never repay the favour like for like but they may do a favour that is unforeseen at the moment. and then bitch about it!

Nectar Mon 11-Feb-13 10:09:10

As non-drivers ourselves by choice, my dh and I have no problems getting around by public transport, taxis, cycling and walking. We ferry our kids around to everything they want to do, and wouldn't dream of expecting others to help.

The problem we've sometimes had is when drivers offer us lifts and WILL NOT take no for an answer, so we feel rude refusing. We've also had to explain to people that our car-less situation isn't due to money problems, so a tenner on a return taxi to somewhere isn't going to break the bank for us!

Some of these people have then chosen to start criticising our situation, and going on about how they've 'saved the day' for us, by running us into town or wherever, when we'd rather have not taken the lift anyway!

This isn't ALL drivers by the way, just some. I tend to be a lot firmer now though and just keep repeating, 'No thank you, we're fine!' We just find it easier to be independent.

Floggingmolly Mon 11-Feb-13 10:10:17

She offered, Belinda, apparently for the sole purpose of both feeling morally superior and the opportunity for a good bitch. Well worth the petrol money.

seeker Mon 11-Feb-13 10:10:20

So, OP, what did the actually say when the got in your car? What form did this "preachiness" take?

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 10:11:08

I didn't offer begrudgingly. . Maybe i am passive aggressive?

maybe a little you probably felt guilty about the children going out int he cold felt obligated now you are sneering about it, they chose not to have a car and children so I guess the understand they will need to take them out in the rain, I dont drive so I had to take mine out in the snow/rain sometimes they have hoods and gloves,

MrsHoarder Mon 11-Feb-13 10:13:31

I'm with wants. The fact that they were scrounging around for the lift and then glassing about saving the planet makes it not on.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Mon 11-Feb-13 10:14:04

Personally I think the op should be applauded. If she hadn't posted she wouldn't have come up with the concept of

Am I just being a twat?

Which as a topic, I would like to see MNHQ implement immediately. It would be excellent.

SignoraStronza Mon 11-Feb-13 10:17:42

Ok, you perhaps didn't present your offer of a lift in a begrudging manner. In fact, to all appearances, you offered in good grace whilst fuming inside at their lifestyle choices.

You then begrudged doing it so much that you felt it worthy of a MN thread.

Isthisme Mon 11-Feb-13 10:21:08

Yeah so, isn't that what MN is for? confused

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:21:21

On the way back he asked how much my banger cost to insure etc. . Laughed! and went on about most car journeys being unecessary and don't justify the cost to the environment..blah

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:23:39

Glad you like it HotPink. Incidentally . . AIBAT in your opinion? smile

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 10:24:10

Drip drip drip.

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 10:25:16

Laughed! and went on about most car journeys being unecessary and don't justify the cost to the environment..blah

why didnt you stop and ask her to get out as she was contributing to her own carbon footprint or some such rubbish dont offer again

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:25:35

I was answering a question usualsuspect

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 10:25:44

but he's right there, lots of car journeys are unnecessary

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 10:27:24

So keep your precious car,and don't other anyone a lift then.

Easy,no more feeling pissy.

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:28:20

And to be honest. . My car is a state and the insurance cost is laughable

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 10:31:53

It reminds me of the time i begrudgingly offered a vegetarian my last mini pepperami just so i could post on mn about it.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Feb-13 10:46:34

But if they were nice people and not scrounging bastards dressing their poncing up as environmentalism, they would have said something like

"Oh, that's so nice of you. When the weather is better next term, we'll pick up your child and walk him home every week."

Thus actually saving some of those unnecessary journeys they claim to be so worried about.

Only a dick slags off the cost if running the car that is taking them home.

BelindaCarlisle Mon 11-Feb-13 10:47:32

Lol at hot pink

Only a dick slags off the cost if running the car that is taking them home


spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 11:02:45

Signora . . . I said i was feeling pissy, not fuming. Don't exaggerate. Pissy is way down the scale and even comes before arsey.

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 11:12:56

I think pissy is equal to arsey. grin

DameMargotFountain Mon 11-Feb-13 11:23:31

only if you don't know your arse from your urethra wink

PickledInAPearTree Mon 11-Feb-13 11:26:20

1) livid
2) fuming
3) angry
4) pissy
5) arsey
6) cross
7) miffed

OHforDUCKScake Mon 11-Feb-13 11:27:00

Tbh that would piss me off too OP.

If I offered someones child(ren) a lift Id expect a thank you, not mocking. Being laughed at. Then reading about their slating of car drivers

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Feb-13 11:28:38

Isn't pissy short for pissed off? I'd be mildly irked/miffed by the sanctimonious attitude and think "well next time I won't be offering you a lift then"

It's a bit like the old proverb, isn't it - don't bite the hand that feeds you.

I think that you are probably not unreasonable, actually, but have explained yourself badly (sorry) - it appears that you offered the lift in good faith and kindness of your heart, and then during the lift were preached at about your feckless waste of resources - in which case I'd have considered asking them to hop out then since they had such a problem with it. But then, I get pissy quite easily too! grin

lljkk Mon 11-Feb-13 11:34:18

i actually offered cos i presumed they were hard up

I get that reaction a lot too, I have 2 perfectly functional cars on the drive I choose to only rarely use for local journeys. So I cycle & walk, even in the rain & cold. Many days I get whinging from DC about the horrible 10 minute walk to school hmm. (Dodging the dog mess part is horrible). Everyone assumes I'm skint and carless. Weird.

I can understand why OP feels narked if the other family really are Holier-Than-Thou about their lifestyle choice. I presume they've actually "posted" their views widely on FB? I'd be just as hmm, doubt I'd offer any lifts any future, either, unless It amused me to hear them expand on their delusions.

Writehand Mon 11-Feb-13 11:51:36

I can't drive, and if I could I couldn't afford a car anyway. All my friends have cars but I very seldom take or am offered lifts. I'm always very conscious that they cost money to run, and I can't offer a lift in return, though I do have 2 town centre car parking spaces in front of my house to offer, which friends often use.

If someone offered my snowbound kids a lift I'd be grateful and so would they. But it's a silly OP. YABTU. If you didn't want to give them a life, why did you? People who always cope without cars usually have a plan. We don't live our lives in expectation that car-owning friends will fit in with rescue us.

I'm always reluctant to ask, There is one exception. Recently I've been accepting a lift to the supermarket every week from my neighbour. She takes her cousin too, and we have coffee at the end. It's a nice little social interlude for me. I get isolated, as I'm forced to work from home because one of my kids is disabled.

spiritedaway Mon 11-Feb-13 11:54:57

I must admit, I felt a modicum of chagrin.


You made a kind offer, out of concern for the two smaller siblings (question: if there are two parents why couldn't one do the pick up and one stay with the other children?) under the mistaken belief that they couldn't stretch to a car. You then find out that they pride themselves on not having a car. despite "always asking for lifts and saying their kids were freezing having to walk in the snow".

So they are hypocrites, pure and simple; and if anyone is sneering at the other, it sounds as if it is them, not you. And I think they set you up, guilted you into it.

You also said "Now they are posting stuff about the cost to the environment and our children's future through making unecessary car journeys." - where are they posting this? Could you leave a comment along the lines of 'so you won't be wanting lifts any more then?'.

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