DD just got scholarship AIBU to think I need to keep it quiet?

(124 Posts)
pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:02:41

All the parents at school were talking about how hard & stressful their DC's found the entrance test last weekend. DD took it all in her stride & yesterday we find out she is one of only a handful of kids to get a scholarship! Put it on Facebook yesterday, mainly for the sake of friends & family we don't see very often & have noticed that the 2 school mums I'm Facebook friends with have said absolutely nothing! AIBU to take this as a warning that I need to keep quiet in front of the other mums? I imagined they would all be happy for dd but if their child missed out on a scholarship might there be a general feeling of resentment? Not a hugely selective school btw, so chances of others not getting in at all are very slim! WWYD?

yaimee Sun 10-Feb-13 12:05:11

Yeah, I'd probably keep quiet unless I was asked directly, celebrate with friends and family! And congrats to your dd!

I wouldn't shout out about anything on FB where people would be reading who had missed out on that same thing. Bound to cause resentment. You can change who sees the post to only the family members/friends who you want to know.

thegreylady Sun 10-Feb-13 12:06:25

Definitely contain your excitement and pride outside of your family and best friends. Anything else may be con strued as a bit smug/boasting by those swhose dc did less well.
Congratulations to your dd :-)

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 12:14:42

Many congratulations to your DD.

I don't think a facebook announcement was the best idea though - surely only a handful of people will be interested (GPs etc) and you could have sent them a text or called, or better still DD could have shared her news.

I wouldn't be surprised if somebody started a thread about a mum showing off about a scholarship wink

lisad123everybodydancenow Sun 10-Feb-13 12:16:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Montybojangles Sun 10-Feb-13 12:18:55

Why do you care what they think? Your daughter did well and why shouldn't you be allowed to talk about it? You are hardly standing at the school gate crowing are you, your posting on your FB page for friends and family.

If they are feeling resentful that's pretty mean spirited of them. On the other hand, if you only posted yesterday it's highly likely they have been to busy to see/reply. or perhaps it just isn't a big deal and so they can't be arsed to post anything.

It always amazes me that people care so much about who has liked/replied to a post on FB (or not in this case), perhaps you are just reading far to much into this or perhaps I'm just ignorant of fact that virtual world has somehow become as important as RL

Congrats to your DD

aldiwhore Sun 10-Feb-13 12:22:08

I would keep it quietish, not for the sake of gossip's but for your dd's sake. If she wishes to tell people, that's different. People can get unreasonably judgey about scholarships. Not fair I know. Well done your dd... but I try to keep anything off facebook that would give judgeypant people an opportunity to tongue wag and twist things, which could affect your dd.

Don't worry about those who haven't congratulated you, it may be they have judged or resent you, or maybe they are struggling with fees and just find it too hard to say well done... that doesn't make them bad necessarily.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Feb-13 12:23:07

Congratulations to your dd.

I probably would have just told family and friends outside your dds' school unless I was asked to be honest as it's probably a nervous time for people so a bit of a sore point.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:23:50

I have a habit of being quite socially inept! Which is why it made me think about what I should say when asked at the school gate

FB 'announcements' are generally bad form.

yaimee Sun 10-Feb-13 12:24:34

monty, I think its probably more to do with saving the feelings of the parents of those children that didn't get in than what the other mothers think of the op.

mrsjay Sun 10-Feb-13 12:25:14

congrats to your dd but id not shout about it too loud dont look from congrats from anybody and if their child didnt get it they are going to be gutted, It is going to look like you are gloating ( im sure your not) to some of them

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 10-Feb-13 12:26:16

They might just not have seen it!

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Feb-13 12:26:36

They'll probably all already know at the school gates, from the women on your FB. grin

SoggySummer Sun 10-Feb-13 12:30:15

Congratulations to your DD.

Sadly in my experience other parents of children who sat the same exam won't share your delight - rightly or wrongly. I suppose - imagine if your DC NEEDED a scholarship and didnt get it or worse didnt even pass the exam - it wouldn't be unforgiveable for them to feel a little put out.

To save alot of drama and anyb upset go onto your FB and change the status visability to only those that will be genuinely pleased - such as close family and friends. Its quick and easy to do.

poodletip Sun 10-Feb-13 12:35:02

Monty I'm interested the you think interacting with people you see regularly day to day becomes "virtual" and not "real" just because it's done using a computer. Do you feel the same about telephone conversations?

OP I would just not mention it unless someone mentions it to you first and then say try not to say too much about it unless the other person is clearly very interested. In a way I think it's probably good that you put it on FB. Then everybody knows and will quickly move on from it. Better than gossip and speculation. I wouldn't be altogether surprised if some people felt it was inappropriate though. People do seem to get a bit hung up about FB not being the right way to communicate news.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:35:24

Yes, I know I didn't think before Facebook posting blush , in my defence I really didn't think about these 2 other mums before posting - just a 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!
Was only after that I thought about the other mums, but I honestly would have expected them to be pleased & keen to reply which is what made me wonder about the reactions at school.
Tis a very silly culture in this country if we don't value intelligence, but I'm beginning to wonder!

theskyonasnowynight Sun 10-Feb-13 12:35:37

Very bad form I think to boast about scholarship where anyone whose children were in the same selection could hear or see.

I also think its bad form to be too public about these things anyway. At my school they were kept very quiet and none of my friends there knew about mine for several years.

It will put a lot of pressure on your daughter if lots of people know - every test she does badly in or anything she messes up that people know about will be mentioned in the same breath as "she has a scholarship, you know".

ReallyTired Sun 10-Feb-13 12:35:42

Congratulations to your DD.

I think its best to keep quiet about your dd having a scholarship. Jealousy is a horrible emotion and can break friendships.

Many people cannot afford private school even with a "scholarship". I would even be a little bit careful with friends and family who might send their chidlren to state schools.

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:36:28

1stly congratulations to your dd
if it's on fb,it's out there, if you wanted to be discreet don't put on fb
have no experience of this so no idea how to handle it, do get dd a treat for doing well

Jamillalliamilli Sun 10-Feb-13 12:37:21

Some people can be happy for someone else's gain while sad for their own not getting it, some people can't. I don't do facebook but I guess the trick is to know your 'audience' and if in doubt say nowt.

Congratulations and good luck to your DD. smile

theskyonasnowynight Sun 10-Feb-13 12:38:14

BTW congrats to your Dd and I know how easy it is to do things without thinking when you are overwhelmed with pride and relief!

Worth bearing in mind for future that it is possible to hide your fb status from particular friends.

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:38:22

Children's education is not something I would put on Facebook. Very tacky to be honest.

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:39:15

try empathize with other parents,if dd hadnt got scholarship how you'd feel
don't presume others jealous etc.be chuffed but don't make this a thing
get on with your business and don't overt think other folks business

Viviennemary Sun 10-Feb-13 12:39:36

When one of your children does exceptionally well I think you do have to bear in mind other people's feelings whose children might not have done so well. And handle this in a sensitive way. Of course you are proud of your child. But be aware of other people.

VivaLeBeaver Sun 10-Feb-13 12:39:43

I wouldn't have put it on FB to tell you the truth, you could have told family via other methods.

DD passed the 11plus when most others didn't and I didn't put it in FB, I knew that there would be upset families over the issue.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Feb-13 12:40:30

I don't think this is about people not valuing intelligence.

theskyonasnowynight Sun 10-Feb-13 12:40:47

To those who raise the jealousy point, entrance exams are hugely stressful for parents and kids. Jealousy might be a horrible emotion but at this particular time ie immediately on hhearing I don't think you can expect it to be avoided.

lljkk Sun 10-Feb-13 12:41:56

You might as well have taken out a full page advert in national newspaper.

Terrible fact is Britain is replete with culture of Envy.

Yes I would keep quiet about it.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sun 10-Feb-13 12:42:13

I wouldn't have put it on fb knowing other parents were on there. But each to their own. Congrats to your dd.

Hulababy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:42:18

If your DD had got a music scholarship, or a sports one, then I bet the majority wouldn't be bothered by any conceived "smugness or boasting." Academic ability always seems to have such a negative thing about it.

Well done to your DD. She did really well and deserves to be told so, and to have her family and friends be happy for her.

DD did an entrance exam recently and I was really happy for the two girls up for scholarships, there was no bad feeling at all. But at DD's school these are publicly congratulated anyway. Last year 3 girls won scholarships - 2 academic, 1 music. This news was announced on the school website, in the newsletter and all the children in the school had a half day holiday to celebrate.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:43:34

This is your dds achievement and news- Surely it's up to her who and how she wishes to tell.
Don't think it's anything to do with people not valuing intelligence. It's about giving your children ownership of their achievements

I think it's fine to share the news with family, or with close friends who don't have children in her cohort.

If you want to do that using Facebook, you would need to have your friends sorted into lists, and then customise who sees the status update, e.g. 'Family' or 'Friends except School Parents'.

Sharing the news with parents whose daughters were sitting the same test could be seen as insensitive.

Well done to your DD though! smile

theskyonasnowynight Sun 10-Feb-13 12:44:15

Hulababy, no reason why they wouldn't feel it boasting, esp if their kid had gone up for the same award.

The school celebrating all scholars is a different thing.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:47:30

Hula - I hadn't even considered that it might be made public by the school anyway! Thinking about the school concerned it may well be mentioned on speech day & in newsletters. That could mean everyone would know anyway.
I did think before posting that this would be in the same category as 'my child just passed grade ... Piano'. But obviously not.

Hulababy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:47:46

In my experience people do feel academic ability should not be spoken off when compared to musical or sporting abilities. Just being on MN tells us that, over and over again.

I just don't understand the whole jealousy thing with it. Why would they not just feel pleased for your DD to have achieved something so special?

But then I am not one of those people who look for smugness is people. I see someone say something about their child and see it as them being proud of their child, not as a boasting or competitive thing.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 12:49:36

JANEY - No worries there, if I leave it to DD she will shout it from the rooftops! grin

Tryharder Sun 10-Feb-13 12:51:46

The FB friends havent badmouthed you or shown signs of being jealous. They just havent mentioned it. Whether or not your DD has a scholarship, probably just isnt that much of a big deal to them.

I am genuinely interested in what reaction you wanted from them.

Agree that boasting on FB is bad form.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 10-Feb-13 12:54:01

I don't think you did anything wrong by posting. Why should you feel like you have to hide your child's achievement and your proud parent feelings from people who (as they are FB friends) you presumably have good relationships with?

Simple answer is that you shouldn't have to hide it.

Your dd has done well gaining a scholarship, but she might be rubbish at something else. We are all good at some things and not good at other things. That's just the way it is. It wouldn't even enter your head to feel bad about posting that your child had scored the winning goal in a football match, and it really makes me cross that there is a sense that its different when it comes to academic achievement.

Montybojangles Sun 10-Feb-13 12:54:12

Not at all poodletip (love the name), a written message can often be misread/misinterpreted by the reader, where as a phone call is far clearer, there is tone of voice, you can directly answer back. It's also clearly a message for you as you are talking to the person of your choice.
You also make an effort to make a phone call or go and speak directly to some one, a post on a social website takes only a moment and is sadly often not given nearly so much thought as to who might see it/what effect it may possibly have etc ( a little like people cyber bullying thinking its no big deal as they arent actually seeing the effect on the person being attacked).
The op didn't post specifically on the other mums pages, she put a general post on her own for her friends and family as she was feeling very proud of her daughter.
I'm sure we have all been in situations similar where someone else got something we would have liked for ourselves/family, but why would we be resentful or angry that they did and we didn't? Upset for me or mine, yes. Resentful of someone else's good fortune, no. That's just life.

mrsjay Sun 10-Feb-13 13:01:39

fwiw I dont think there is anything wrong in putting on facebook if the OP wants I just think that the parents who didnt reply are probably upset if their children get in not everybody needs to congratulate her, It is her facebook that is big news she can post what she likes

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 13:06:44

Just to confirm - I am not upset with the 2 parents on Facebook, I just thought that if they were unimpressed should I keep it quiet at school?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 13:08:44

it's the contradiction between fb which is out there and then wondering should be circumspect
cannot be both if wanted to be discreet do not announce on fb

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:13:15

Yes, keep it quiet at school. While it is great that your daughter did well, it really is no one else's business. Whether you like it or not some of the other mums will be bitchy- my daughter is at private school and the competitiveness is unreal, why put your daughter through that?

Fluffy1234 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:16:17

I'd tell just family. Putting it on Facebook sounds like showing of to me.

nefertarii Sun 10-Feb-13 13:17:41

Its not about this country 'not valuing intelligence' its about you considering other people.

They may have found out their kids didn't get it or be worried about it. In a few days I am sure they will be happy but possibly, at the moment they are a bit down.

Or they haven't seen it.
also its not the same as a piano grade as there is no competition for piano grades. If you get the marks, you get the grade. In this situation the kids are in competition with eachother

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:27:00

So if your dd wants to shout the news- let her. That was exactly my point. Her achievement, her news to tell people.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:30:21

And once again, I don't think it's about this country not valuing intelligence. I think it's more that there is a certain brand of parent (dare I say usually mothers!) who live vicariously through their children's achievements . Now THAT is something which I do think generally people in this country find an Unattractive trait. But that's very different from not valuing intelligence

marriedinwhite Sun 10-Feb-13 13:42:45

Congratulations to your dd.

They have to find out at some stage so I don't see why not now. I don't understand all this "ooh can't say that; it's good and it will upset other people". It is good - well done you - I think good things should be celebrated and people should learn to be pleased. I've heard similar news and been thrilled for the children concerned.

LAlady Sun 10-Feb-13 13:57:39

I wouldn't have put that on FB.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 10-Feb-13 14:38:13

I wouldn't make a special effort to tell people OP, but nor would I make a special effort to hide it.

There is a lot of talk of secondary school among parents of year 6 children, so if it comes up in general conversation, then there's no reason for you to keep it quiet.

everlong Sun 10-Feb-13 14:45:38

Hmm. I wouldn't have put that on fb but I hardly put anything about the dc on fb.

But, I don't see it as a bad thing tbh. Ds has a music scholarship. If it's appropriate I would mention it, never really thought it was wrong confused certainly don't see it as bragging or being smug. He excels in music. Good for him.

But fb is a funny thing and I'm mindful what I post.

But well done your DD OP.

Yellowtip Sun 10-Feb-13 14:53:53

I've never told anyone at all (except my parents) the results of the DC 11+ unless I've actually been asked. Even then I'm pretty low key because far too many kids round here whose parents would like them to have a place don't get in.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 15:19:38

That's just it YELLOWTIP - coming from an 11+ area, I would have known how to handle it. But we don't live in that area & I think the way people deal with private school entrance might be different. To us, private school is just a grammar you have to pay for

PurpleStorm Sun 10-Feb-13 15:38:03

Congratulations to your DD.

But I wouldn't have put it on Facebook, if it can be seen by the parents of other kids doing the same test. If their kids missed out on the scholarship, they'll be feeling bad about that, and could feel resentful or jealous about your DD getting it.

Especially as it can be easy to misconstrue the written word and perceive FB posts as boastful when they're not meant that way.

lljkk Sun 10-Feb-13 15:41:02

I'd probably have posted on FB something like:

"Very pleased that DD accepted to X school!" and leave it at that. Close friends will ask & then can explain the scholarship side.

No need to publish financial details.

VivaLeBeaver Sun 10-Feb-13 15:48:33

There's a lot of parents round here who put every achievement of their child's on Fb, "well done <name of child> on been moved up maths group, getting a gold award, getting in the shine assembly, getting top score in maths test for 10th week running, etc.

Its blatently not for the child to see as they're not even on FB. Doesn't bother me, its all water off a ducks back and my life is too busy too worry about what other kids are up to.

But I have heard other parents moaning about it and even defriending FB friends as they do feel its like having it rubbed in your face all the time - especially if you have a DC who is maybe struggling at school.

Coconutty Sun 10-Feb-13 15:48:37

Ds is on a sports scholarship but only close family know. I know people can get funny if their dcs didn't get one and would hate people to think I was bragging.

Wouldn't ever announce it on Facebook.

Scootee Sun 10-Feb-13 16:01:54

Oh goodness I wouldn't have put it on Facebook! People will be extremely jealous - from academic jealousy to financial jealousy. It is way too late to keep it quiet - if 2 mums have seen it, everyone will know.

Congrats to your dd, be very proud of her but not too publicly!

marriedinwhite Sun 10-Feb-13 16:07:34

So, is the OP to pretend that her dd would be going in spite of the scholarship? I can't comment about the Facebook thing because I don't do Facebook except for mnet meetups

silverfrog Sun 10-Feb-13 16:13:27

I odn't see why you should keep it quiet.

Which is not to say you should boast about it either.

But hushing it up, or not mentioning it, is a bit sad, I think. Your dd has worked hard. She has won something that is not available to all. through hard work. she shoudl be congratulated.

I was also of the impression that scholarships are less about the financial side of things these days (unlike back in the day when I took scholarships - where it was possible to have up to 100%), and bursaries were for helping out with finances. so the academic achievement and the financial help are separated out naturally? Certainly was that way when we needed a bursary to keep dss at his school - the scholarships were more for 'show' (and recognition of academic/sporting/musical/whatever attainment) than anything else.

agree with those who have said that if this was not about an academic scholarship then the replies woudl have been different. I htink it is a shame the way academic achievement is so often belittled and hushed up.

Scootee Sun 10-Feb-13 16:13:28

I think that we do actually value intelligence extremely highly - that is the source of the jealously!

mrsbunnylove Sun 10-Feb-13 16:24:13

congratulations to your dd. but others might be feeling sore right now...hopes dashed, all that sort of thing. a bit of diplomacy... tell when asked.

eminemmerdale Sun 10-Feb-13 16:28:08

I have kept v quiet about my dd passing an entrance test - told 3 school mums who I get on well with - it has got round though - mainly through dd talking about it - and I have had some very unpleasant comments. This is my main reason for staying quiet

Dancergirl Sun 10-Feb-13 16:31:00

OMG, I can't believe people put stuff about their dc on Facebook! How can you write it and not cringe??

In an ideal world you should be able to shout from the rooftops and do the happy dance that your child passed and has been accepted (I keep financial stuff private) It is really sad that you can't do that and have others be happy for you, they must all be sad and bitter. I know my friends and I share good news all the time on facebook and in real life and as much as we'd like it to be us who, got the kids in Uni, won the lottery, are going on a world class vacation, we all enjoy the fact that someone we know and love is doing these things.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 17:47:19

Agree that a scholarship is not about the money - less than £1k off fees for us. So thinking about it, yes I do think school will want to shout it from the rooftops! We shall see, but I've always put these things on Facebook as most of my Facebook friends are people we don't see very often in real life (lifelong friends, family, godparents etc.) & had fantastic responses from people who genuinely care & like to hear what is going on. It is only more recently that half a dozen more local friends have joined my page. Maybe I need to rethink having them there!

I put stuff about my children on Facebook all the time; funny things they've said or done, little achievements that might not sound like much but are a big deal to them. I make these status updates visible to relatives, the children's godparents and close friends. I love reading similar things about my own godchildren and children of close friends.

ReallyTired Sun 10-Feb-13 18:13:52

" It is only more recently that half a dozen more local friends have joined my page. Maybe I need to rethink having them there! "

You can still have them on facebook, but you need to have your friends in groups. It can cause mortal offense to defriend someone. Its a lot simpler in someways to put them in a group and take care what you allow various people to see.

pugsandseals Sun 10-Feb-13 18:19:41

Sounds very easy in principle, but impossible on my phone app which is where I usually post from!

At the beginning of Y6 there was a meeting with the HTs off all the local primaries and Y6 parents. The HT asked us all to be discrete about the offers we received as this is such a stressful time period for both the parents and children, any excited boasts would be viewed as in bad taste, as many children would not get the school places they wanted, whether state or independent or Faith, in fact the majority would be unhappy with the results and did not need having their wounds rubbed.

Personally I have one FB friend who keep posting updates like "My clever child has had YET another offer, I am so proud". And "Another Yes from a super selective grammar" and "What should we chose? Of course the grammars are free so what now?" Well good for her. But it seems extremely boastful and totally unnecessary.

LittleFrieda Sun 10-Feb-13 18:31:57

Perhaps some people not only didn't get a scholarhip, but didn't even get offered a place? Or is it one of those schools where pretty much everyone with an IQ over 80 gets a scholarship? grin

Floggingmolly Sun 10-Feb-13 19:06:01

I very much doubt school will "shout it from the rooftops" hmm
Why on earth would they?

puffinbillygoat Sun 10-Feb-13 19:20:28

Congratulations and Very Well Done to your DD.

Did you not know that parents can only be proud of their children's achievements quietly these days, making sure their child thinks it is something to be ashamed of. God forbid they actually tell other parents that they are proud. Makes me sick tbh!

ReallyTired Sun 10-Feb-13 19:26:50

"Did you not know that parents can only be proud of their children's achievements quietly these days, making sure their child thinks it is something to be ashamed of. God forbid they actually tell other parents that they are proud. Makes me sick tbh! "

Surely there is a happy medium between feeling ashamed of getting a scholarship and boasting to the rafters on facebook. Teaching children a bit of empathy and not to show off is a good lesson in life. There is a lot of truth in the saying that "Pride comes before a fall!"

Presonally I prefer to praise my children for hard work rather than results.

puffinbillygoat Sun 10-Feb-13 19:35:57

I don't see anywhere that OP "Boasted to the rafters" on facebook! Her proud mummy moment was quite justified I think. My neighbours 9 year old daughter took her grade 1 guitar exam and passed. Neighbour was proud enough to tell a few mums at the school that her dd passed her guitar exam. The little girl is now friendless - their mums were childish enough to not invite her to tea or birthday parties any more - even tho none of her classmates even took guitar. All this for a grade 1!! No OP you must never, ever show anyone outside of your family that you are in the least bit proud of your kids achievements and efforts. I don't have that problem myself but I think it is bloody childish of other parents to be jealous of a child! And usually people achieve because they have bothered to put the effort in.

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 19:44:11

Re reading this- I don't know why you even mentioned she was going to private school, never mind got a scholarship. So unbelievably crass and I say that as someone with a child at private school! The gap between the well off and those barely getting by is getting worse by the day and I personally find it extremely uncomfortable mentioning anything about my daughters schooling to anyone. Have a bit of humility.

silverfrog Sun 10-Feb-13 20:09:03

Depending on which school the scholarship is for, the OP's dd's school may well announce it at Speech Day, in the newsletter, on a results letter, or similar.

My dd2's school does (and I know this despite dd2 being nowhere near moving on - she's in Yr1). Every year there is a list of leavers' destinations, scholarships and bursaries gained, and any other achievement too.

It is fine to be proud of what you have achieved. Boasting is a different thing entirely.

Did you not know that parents can only be proud of their children's achievements quietly these days, making sure their child thinks it is something to be ashamed of. God forbid they actually tell other parents that they are proud. Makes me sick tbh!
Agreed and it makes me sad, achievements should be celebrated not hidden like a dirty little secret.

SilverBaubles33 Sun 10-Feb-13 21:17:47

Well done her!

Definitely hide status from school mothers. My dd has had an academic scholarship for years, not sure how anyone else found out, but suspect office and playground jungle drums.

Anyway, she is usually quizzed (oh so charmingly) by one of three mothers who live vicariously through their own dds, every time reports are issued to ask what marks she got.

I have given her total permission to not answer, pretend to not understand the question, tell them she has failed, ask them why they need to know, tell them her parents think such questions are vulgar etc.

Sadly, such petty jealous mothers are everywhere and she will be targeted by their insecurities.

Suggest you maintain a discreet silence on fb yourself, much more dignified and gave a tea party or celebration with real life people who matter.

timidviper Sun 10-Feb-13 21:28:30

I'm sure you can tell, even from the range of replies on here, that people can be funny about these things so I would tend to be fairly quiet about it but not cover it up IYSWIM. We had similar issues when DD won hers and she is now 22 so it looks like some things never change. Congratulations to your DD

Yellowtip Sun 10-Feb-13 21:31:38

silverfrog I assume you're at an indie. Scholarships to senior schools sell. My DD4 was the only child at her state primary to get an offer to the superselective grammar and the HT has studiously not said even a private well done, even though she clearly really likes DD4 a lot. It's just that this sort of achievement is not the sort to be celebrated at all. Different world.

Zavi Sun 10-Feb-13 21:38:10

Definitely shout it out from the roof-tops!

Unless it's the kind of school that puts their results above all else and kicks kids out if they don't continue to make their grade as they progress through the school.

In which case stay shtum - just in case!.

Well done for your daughter in the meantime!

Yellowtip Sun 10-Feb-13 21:55:55

puffinbilly jealousy by a parent of someone else's child is very unpleasant indeed. But that doesn't mean that someone in a happy position with a coveted place at a selective shouldn't be considerate of the feelings of those disappointed of a place. Someone upthread said humility, which sounds about right.

puffinbillygoat Sun 10-Feb-13 23:43:55

So Yellowtip are you saying that children's achievements - whatever they may be - should be kept hush hush just in case talking about it offends other parents??

JoanByers Mon 11-Feb-13 02:01:37

Facebook announcements of this kind are very crass.

Coconutty Mon 11-Feb-13 07:19:09

Totally agree with you Yellowstone

diddl Mon 11-Feb-13 07:26:08

" 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!"

PM on FB??

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 07:49:55

puffinbilly I'm simply saying think about your audience. it's not difficult really.

" 'how can I let friends & family know without being stuck on the phone all day!!!"

Why on earth would you do that? Is it really necessary to let absolutely everybody know she got a scholarship? Why do they need to know?

I think humility is great in front of family and close friends, too, and not just "school mums".

Nothing worse than family who keeps boasting about their child's achievements without thought for anybody elses circumstances.

Tailtwister Mon 11-Feb-13 08:45:09

A huge congratulations to your DD, you must be extremely proud of her!

As for telling other people, I wouldn't unless asked. Put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if your DD hadn't been as successful. You would be disappointed and worried wouldn't you?

bruffin Mon 11-Feb-13 08:54:07

Why would other peoples success make you fell bad disappointed and worried.
The only reason for not posting is other people might feel jealous.
Jealousy is a horrible character thstcwas should not be encouraged.
But going on this thread its ok to be jealous but not okay to be proud of a child that hsh accomplished something special.

I think it is perfectly fine to be proud. But not to show off. It is perfectly fine to ring a close friend or family and share good news.

But it is crass to boast on Facebook. A little humility and mindfulness of your audience wont go amiss. It is like taking out an ad!

bruffin Mon 11-Feb-13 09:21:58

But its ok for the audience be jealous burrowhmm

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 09:27:17

isn't facebook supposed to have your friends on it so anything anybody says on it FRIENDS will see it, the op isn't responsible for other peoples bitterness upset or jealousy about this scholarship imo

CloudsAndTrees Mon 11-Feb-13 09:31:46

Why is it automatically seen as boasting just because you tell people about it?

There is a big grey area in between boasting and being ashamed. It is possible to be proud of what your own child has done without thinking and less off other children. It is possible to be happy for other people's achievements without talking it personally.

It seems that the only people whose circumstances and feelings deserve consideration are those who aren't doings as well, or who are doing fine, but just not quite as well as someone else.

It's ridiculous. When my child achieves, I want him to see that I am proud, I want the people who love him to be able to celebrate that achievement. I also want him to be humble and considerate of other people's feelings, but the two things are not mutually exclusive.

Floggingmolly Mon 11-Feb-13 09:37:16

If the op would really be "all day" on the phone telling people she thinks need to know - you can guarantee that would include quite a lot of people who would have minimal interest at best.
Save it for the Christmas round robin, op.

Well some people are sensitive and have humility, and others dont!

I am not at all jealous of my friends dd, I am happy for her. But her mother on the other hand, comes across as extremely boastful in the way she phrases her posts.
I am happy for the achievements of all my friends children.

But if you are on FB, and have a motley crew of friends, and not all of them close, and use FB as an information service, you have to be mindful how you come across. Mere acquaintances, if they are competing for the same places, might feel sad and upset for their own children, and might not know how to respond gracefully. This does not necessarily mean they are not happy for the dd in question who not only beat them to a much coveted school place, but got a scholarship to boot.

I have on my fb a mum whose son was a terrible bully to my son. I never "like" nor respond to any of her happy updates about her sons achievements. I simply cant. I do however banter with her about cats and puppies. It is a safe territory for us to keep in touch, but I cannot bring myself to congratulate her child. But that is me. And it could explain the silence of the other school mums. It is a complex matter, Facebook, and you never know what is behind a silence. It could be they did not even see the post. Or they could be jealous. Or they could think "OMG! Results out already and I have not heard from the school!" and not thought about responding.

plantsitter Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:55

I think it's great to celebrate your DDs achievement and Facebook is just one way of doing that. If she is going to private school you are going to have to start worrying about whether things are 'bad form' or not though. And watch your vowels.

However if my child had applied for the same scholarship and the way I found out they hadn't got it was by a facebook announcement that somebody else had I would be quite upset. But that's the risk you take by being on there in the first place, innit?

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 09:50:22

I spose the other parents would have found out and ignored it anyway maybe the op would have told a parent or 2 at school and the information would have filtered down to parents whos child didnt get a scholarship and failed the exam facebook is just a quicker way these days, I dont think the OP was being boastful and even if she was so what she is proud of her child, facebook friends can respond or not just as they could do in RL,

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Mon 11-Feb-13 10:08:42

I wouldn't have posted it myself. I think people will ask if they are interested.
I have DC's that have done extremely well in national academic competitions and I tell my Parents but noone else. I don't think other people are interested TBH.
I would wince if I saw someone posting something like that on FaceBook.

I hope that you are relishing the fact that your DD has done so well. It is lovely, she must be delighted. Well done little pugsandseals

sarahtigh Mon 11-Feb-13 10:22:09

congratulations to your DD celebrate with her but you probably have to be discrete because unfortunately doing well academically and celebrating it is seen as not good form

I just can't see that anyone would be telling OP to be discrete if her DD had just got accepted for county hockey team, which would also be down to DD's hard work and natural talent for sport as opposed to her hardwork and intellectual ability

it just not seem fair that if you have natural talent for acting sport music etc this can be celebrated in public but if you have gift for maths, science or any other academic subject it is almost as if you should be ashamed

going on and on about it is boasting just saying my DD got a scholarship to X is not boasting

mrsjay Mon 11-Feb-13 10:30:19

going on and on about it is boasting just saying my DD got a scholarship to X is not boasting

I agree with you it isn't boasting imo

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 10:30:29

I don't think it's anything at all to do with academic achievement v other achievement sarahtigh. I've certainly not encountered that distinction. But if a group of kids in a geographical area or social circle are all after scholarships to a particular school then the fact that someone has got one means that someone else hasn't. So if you are the one in possession of the prize you should lie low publicly until you know who else has got what and act accordingly. I think that sort of discretion should come with the prize.

TheOriginalLadyFT Mon 11-Feb-13 10:31:44

I think it comes down to who you have as "friends" on your FB page.

If you genuinely do just have friends and family ie people who actually who and like you, then I genuinely can't see why it's bad form or "tacky" as one poster n here said, to post about what is a fantastic achievement. If your FB friends list runs into hundreds of people you don't really know, then that might change things.

I posted about how totally made up I was that DS had passed entrance exam for private school - he's dyslexic and has had to work like a dog to get to that standard. I was massively proud and if I want to post about that on my FB page, I bloody well will. Anyone who doesn't like it can unfriend me and sod right off

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 10:32:02

It's also not about 'form'. This kind of consideration needs to be deployed even at state schools shock.

DonderandBlitzen Mon 11-Feb-13 11:22:59

I think the mums on your FB have done you a favour by not replying if they have made you think twice about turning up at the school gate and announcing the scholarship to everyone.

pugsandseals Mon 11-Feb-13 11:26:54

Wow - this has moved on a bit! I was certainly right to worry about what I should say to other parents if they ask. By the reaction of some on here I could make some real enemies by being open with people!
Coming from an 11+ area, I know parents there would have been supporting one another through the process & genuinely happy for any that got grammar school places. It would seem the scholarship changes the rules slightly. I think I will need to tread very carefully, even though all the children at prep will get their chosen senior schools. I don't understand why the mood is different, but oh well! Better to learn that on here than at the school gate - thanks all!

outtolunchagain Mon 11-Feb-13 11:39:08

The mood is different because there is a financial aspect , also the 11+ and an entrance exam are pass/fail by getting a scholarship you are distinguishing your daughter as having done better than most others .

Scholarships from independent preps at 13 are a different matter as they are publicly celebrated but at 11 to day school generally not.

My ds got into his chosen school this weekend , he did not get a scholarship I will be thrilled for any of his friends that do . However I would be shocked to see it on Facebook and actually think the Head would take a very dim view as well .

DonderandBlitzen Mon 11-Feb-13 11:43:32

I'm from an 11+ area too and I passed and went to grammar school, but i doubt that those whose children failed it would have been delighted for me to have passed. Why should they be? I would hope my mum didn't go on about it too much, but knowing her she probably did!

pugsandseals Mon 11-Feb-13 11:55:49

Have both perspectives on the 11+ as dh passed & I didn't. I don't remember any negativity either way!

freddiefrog Mon 11-Feb-13 12:06:06

It depends how you use Facebook and who's on your friends list

I'm very anti-social on there, I only have family and very close friends on Facebook, so I would have posted something like that on there, as I know everyone would be interested and pleased for her.

My daughter recently won a competition, it's quite a big deal - I posted about it on FB, everyone, without exception, was happy for her and congratulated her.

I wouldn't bandy it around at school though, as I know a lot of their reactions would be completely different - in fact, it was announced by the head teacher in assembly (neither us or DD knew it was going to happen) and there was an unpleasant reaction from some parents

Yellowtip Mon 11-Feb-13 13:11:09

You won't (or shouldn't) 'make enemies' by being open when asked. Just don't volunteer the information without being asked. Simples.

I don't agree that the same principles don't apply equally for coveted grammar school places these days in the same way as scholarships to local indies. Most kids getting scholarships to the indiesround here turn them down if they've also got a place at the grammar, since the grammar is better.

Abra1d Mon 11-Feb-13 13:14:04

Isn't there a difference between bursaries and scholarships?

The scholarships at my children's schools are public--ie, mentioned in newsletters and posted on the school websites.

Bursaries, by contrast, ie, financial assistance, are confidential.

fromparistoberlin Mon 11-Feb-13 13:16:42

I would not DREAM of positing sometnhing like that on FB

I am very pleased for your DD

but I suspect you have rubbed other mothers faces in it

remeber they love their DD as much as you love yours, so why even risk making them feel bad?

silly decision IMO

TheOriginalLadyFT Mon 11-Feb-13 13:19:27

Why though? Surely it comes down to who she has on FB friends list? People who are genuinely her friends and family should be delighted - if not, then they're not really her friends at all

fromparistoberlin Mon 11-Feb-13 13:23:59

its a funny one

by all means sing to the stars to family, grandparents, real friends.

But when you are the parent with the "ordinary" kid going to state school, and your friends child is off to a ivy-clad super private school. Its weird feeling

you want to be happy for them, but naturally your feeling of disappointment for your kids prevails. You might wonder if your friends child, age 11 is already on a faster track than your child ?

It not like a friend loses weight, for example, or wins a car. then you are happy, you say well done

But how children progress, its an emotive topic.

OP screwed up, facebook is not appropriate

sweetestB Mon 11-Feb-13 13:27:10

why should they reply at all or even care? I think you wanted to boast tbh

ConferencePear Mon 11-Feb-13 14:50:52

Doesn't this partly depend on the kind of school she has won a scholarship to ?
If it's a fee paying highly academic school then I'm surprised you posted it.
Our local fee paying school asks parents not to divulge who has scholarships and bursaries.
They know only too well that the other, much richer kids, may patronise the scholarship kids.

Fluffy1234 Mon 11-Feb-13 16:35:48

When I passed my 11 plus many years ago I can't remember any of the other mums being pleased for me or congratulating my mum or me. Why would they? Especially if their child hadn't passed. I remember some lovely gifts from my aunties and Nan.

You wanted to boast. That is why you got annoyed that you had no response from these particular mums.

Coconutty Tue 12-Feb-13 18:26:57

When I passed my 11+ I can guarantee that the parents who;s kids didnt weren't pleased that at least one of us had passed.

People get really funny about OPK (other peoples kids) and it's a very good lesson to learn early.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 12-Feb-13 18:30:50

So Facebook didn't work out for you and you've tried it in Aibu?

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