SAHM goes back to work after 10 years - how do you cope with the resentment?

(127 Posts)
MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:19:31

So I yelled at DH this morning that I hated him and that I would keep telling him that until he left - I don't want him to leave (yes, I know v. unreasonable behaviour from me), I'm just finding it difficult to cope with my feelings of resentment. At least I think that's what I'm feeling.

AIBU to think that just because I only work part-time (so that the family continues to 'function') I shouldn't have to run the place!!! Yes, I know there are women that work full-time and run the home which is why I'm writing this in the hope of gaining some perspective.

This post could be epic so I'll stop now and write more throughout the thread as necessary. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 10:23:11

It's nothing to do with whether you are a sahm or a pt wohm or full time.

Your problem is that your DH is not taking on his fair share.
You need to focus on that instead of thinking of it as one kind of generic fall out from the work/home balance conundrum.

Tell your dh that the division of labour needs to shift and draw up a plan

And maybe write an op that is entitled 'my dh won't do his fair share. Advice please'

What do you resent? Working or running the home? If you are working there is no way you can do all the running of the home by yourself. You need to split things so you both have equal amounts of leisure time, split it in a way that works best for both of you. If he won't do his share he should pay someone else to do it.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:26:01

Thanks Pagwatch. He does do quite a lot but it's always as if he's doing me a favour iykwim. We do have a plan and it is fairly even. Maybe me feeling that I 'run the place' is all in my head. I might add that the place isn't v. well run either.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 10:28:09

Hmmm .that's interesting. Maybe it is in your head a bit.
But I do get the 'doing you a favour' atmosphere. Is it a kind of 'I loaded the dishwasher for you' kind of thing?

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:28:29

Agree with pagwatch.
We can't possibly comment without knowing the details.
If you are working part time and your partner is full time, then it's absolutely reasonable that you do more domestic stuff (though obviously not all)
Have you recently started work after being at home for 10 years? If so, it may be that you haven't sat down and discussed the implications on domestic chores and childcare. Obviously you need to renegotiate because the situation has changed

rainrainandmorerain Sun 10-Feb-13 10:33:42

Well - if he continually makes you feel like he's doing you a favour, then it is unlikely to be 'all in your head!'

fwiw, I think whether a woman takes a years' maternity leave, or a lot longer, there are patterns that spring up about who does what - and it can be very hard to change these. Typically when a woman goes 'back to work' she ends up keeping more than her fair share of child related or domestic tasks. Which isn't fair.

From your dp's pov, nothing for him personally has changed, has it. He has been working for ten years - doing whatever he does around the house. If you start work, he has to take on more responsibility for what you were doing (assuming you are not happy to run yourself ragged trying to do more than you were before....) - and chances are he's not going to want to do that. To be blunt.

I think an honest conversation spelling out what you feel is fair, and what he sees as fair, is the only place to start. He either does things with a good grace because he accepts they are his job - or he refuses to do them upfront, and then you can discuss how they will be done. Which will boil down to you or paying someone to do it.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 10:35:35

Is it financial necessity that is "forcing" you out to work, thus you are resentful at "having" to work?

TreadOnTheCracks Sun 10-Feb-13 10:39:54

I could have written this! I returned to work after 8 years off when my youngest went to school. I work 22 hrs a week. Sh commutes, long hours so I have full responsibility for every mundane thing in our lives. Dh does help but needs lots of recognition/ seems to expect thanks for cleaning the bathroom or whatever. Or he makes out it's all so easy and he's got no idea what I'm moaning about.
Reading this thread with interest.

niceguy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:40:05

You sound like a spoilt cow if I am honest.

You say you resent having to 'run the place' but then at the same time you say that he does quite a lot.

Have a word with him about the attitude of doing it as a favour by all means but to say you will tell him you hate him and will keep telling him until he leaves....YABVU.

I hope you get your wish.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:42:46

Thank for the replies, I'll attempt to answer them one at a time to keep posts relatively short.

janey68: 'If you are working part time and your partner is full time, then it's absolutely reasonable that you do more domestic stuff (though obviously not all)'

This is interesting as perhaps the root of the problem is that i don't agree. Why should I do more domestic stuff? I'd rather be doing my job (which I love) and getting paid (which is nice too and whilst not a necessity yet, is becoming more so) than be up to my elbows in five lots of dirty clothes.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 10:45:49

I've got to be honest with you, DH is out of the house 7.30am-8pm depending on traffic, whereas I'm back in by 4.30. I think I'd need a right kick up the arse if I couldn't manage to run a house of near-as-damn it 5 adults on 3-4 hours a day.

DH does take over at weekends, coz he likes faffing in the kitchen, looking at all the pretty lights on the dishwasher and playing with the hoover but in all honesty I certainly don't expect him to.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:46:08

Oh, title and subject are two completely different things. I wondered who was resenting you working.

Well, housework is covered so often I'm sure you could find a hundred threads on the subject, whch all say 'do you have equal leisure time?'. The mental responsibility of planning and noticing everything, as opposed to doing discrete tasks when requested, is a big issue too.

(and if I take part I always express incredulity at the idea that SAHM equals 24/7 domestic servant, rather than indicating the job done during working hours, with parenting and domestic tasks shared equally during evenings and weekends).

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:49:18

rainrain, DH has taken on more responsibility since I started working. He does school runs and after school activities on the days that I work.

niceguy2, maybe I am a spoilt cow. Perhaps the combined wisdom of MN can convince me as DH hasn't managed to.

I like to think that I'm a fairly reasonable person.

TreadOn, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Fingers crossed we get some help on here.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:49:19

If you'd rather be working full time, then work full time and split domestic chores equally. If one of you is part time, then why on earth wouldnt you do more domestic / child related stuff? It makes no difference which gender does which, it's simple logistics. Someone working part time has , by definition, more time off work!

It sounds like you expect to work part time and your dh to be full time yet for him to do the same as you around the house. I would be the resentful one if I were him!

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:54:00

lottie, the 'equal leisure time' is OK in theory but doesn't really help here. We both love our jobs and could happily spend more than the required time on them. What else should I be doing on my days that I am not working? That time is not leisure time or work time it's 'resentment breeding time'.

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 10:55:47

Why aren't you working full time? You say in your OP that it's to keep the family functioning. Is that on a getting all the housework done level, or a getting the kids to where they need to be level?

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:42

janey68, if I worked full time our family wouldn't function without major adjustments (not even sure what these would be).

'It sounds like you expect to work part time and your dh to be full time yet for him to do the same as you around the house. I would be the resentful one if I were him!' I don't expect him to do the same as me and I'm not even sure if him doing more would help.

Things are just not clear in my head. Thank you all for helping me to work through this.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:54

What else should I be doing on my days that I am not working? That time is not leisure time or work time it's 'resentment breeding time'.

How do you expect to fill that time?

i'm sorry but I'm just not getting where you are coming from at all.

If there is an imbalance of working hours and an equality of leisure time/time out/whatever you want to call it, then that person should pick up the slack with running the house because if you don't then the person working full time loses their leisure time and you gain more.

And give me strength the next person who wades in with the "its so traumatic planning things". I cant remember the last time I was tramatised setting up a direct debit to pay the water bill hmm

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:59:45

What do you want to be doing on your non-work days? Why are you not working full time?

Your non-work days are either 'parenting and domestic work time' which is work, or they are leisure time. What's the in-between definition?

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:01:06

TheFallenMadonna it's on a getting the kids where they need to be level (I'm not house proud as such) and also, DH works away overnight/s from time to time.

I did work full-time for a few months and it wasn't sustainable (thankfully was only a temporary contract anyway).

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 11:04:38

You need some major adjustments if you are telling your DH you want bin to leave when you don't really out of resentment at your current situation.

You need to be deciding what they are.

I went back to work full time after 5 years and it was a massive change for us, simply in terms of organising ourselves (a cleaner for 3 hours a week easily covered that part of my previous contribution to family life...!)

DH has changed his job, travels less. We simply couldn't fit my career into the model we had. It was the logistics, not the domestics, that didn't work for us.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:05:14

Holly, the last line of this isn't true for us.

"If there is an imbalance of working hours and an equality of leisure time/time out/whatever you want to call it, then that person should pick up the slack with running the house because if you don't then the person working full time loses their leisure time and you gain more."

DH doesn't really lose his leisure time (housework comes last for both of us) and my leisure time is ill defined.

I'm trying to be as honest and spontaneous as possible on this thread. Sorry if it's all a bit muddled.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:05:23

The 'planning and responsibility' bit isn't traumatic(!) and organising comes naturally to many of us but it does occupy headspace, that could otherwise be used thinking about hobbies, dreams, fanatasies or whatever you like.

The sense that if you don't keep an eye on things the household will stop functioning is a bit of a drag. It's good to be able to feel that you could be ill / go away / have a busy time with something else and your OH will naturally be able to pick up the slack and keep things moving.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Feb-13 11:05:45

I've just gone back to work after 8 years of being a SAHM. I get cross when the house is upside down if I've been at work and DH has been at home, but I try to remind myself that the house wasn't always shiny when he used to come home!

I have a day to myself on a Monday, where I has implemented a no chore rule... DH gets his on a Thursday. We often do chores on our 'day off' but it has made a massive difference to ot own individual miffed-ness (don't think that's a word but I like it, as I'm not 'pissed off, angry or particularly irate). What it means is that if I come home after working on a Thursday and the house is a shit pit I KNOW that it's DH's no chore day... the building rage subsides.

We also have 2 family house blitzes through the week in the evenings.. it means whoever IS at home during the day doesn't have to start from scratch every time. This makes a HUGE difference.

TripleRock Sun 10-Feb-13 11:06:49

I still don't really understand what you are asking...

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:07:04

"its so traumatic planning things"

Not traumatic but a bit shit when the only holiday you ever go on is one you've planned yourself, same for nights out pretty much although those rarely happen.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:18

MsGasket my DH works randomly (self employed) often away withot planning, or at home for long periods... full time work really created more problems than it solved so I totally understand! The extra income was unnoticeable too.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:27

Sounds like you need to think about who you are and what you want and how you want to spend how much leisure time in support of this.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:09:16

OP you sound hard work, I hope my sons dont end up marrying a woman like you

still wait long enough I'm sure you'll get someone as spoilt as you along soon to share their "tips"

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:15

I wouldn't have been able to deal with making adjustments to my own career when my DH wasn't prepared to at least look at doing the same. That would make me bitterly resentful.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:55

TheFallenMadonna, I love this - 'a cleaner for 3 hours a week easily covered that part of my previous contribution to family life...!'
It would be the same here. DH is in a good position in that he works from home 3 days a week but these are the days that I work which is why that bit works iykwim.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:12:47

christ so you need to plan the holidays!!

how awful your life must be.....

poor me por me poor me

HandbagCrab Sun 10-Feb-13 11:13:21

What do you do on the days you don't work? How old are your kids?

Have you got a dishwasher/ tumble dryer/ various labour saving gadgets? Can you afford a cleaner?

Do you shop online? Have you set up direct debits? Do you need to simplify your life as you have too much stuff to do and not enough time?

What exactly are you screaming at your dh for? If he left would your life be easier/ better? If so, how? You need to get to the bottom of why you feel how you feel, it is not clear from your posts what the issues are.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:14:03

yeah get a cleaner, she'll make you feel better about your life then

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:14:20

aldiwhore, you seem to have come up with some great solutions. Thanks for sharing them. My DH doesn't have a day off although he does have the option of a 4 day week (hmm, maybe worth thinking about further).


janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:15:58

I'm a bit confused as to what you're asking too now!

If you are resentful Because your dh works full time , and you would ideally like to be full time in your job which you say you 'love'- then look for full time work. Yes, it'll change the dynamics re: domestic resp

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:16:04

no wonder you name changed hmm

CloudsAndTrees Sun 10-Feb-13 11:16:36

It sounds like you are expecting a lot, and you do sound like hard work to live with if you say that you hate your DH and you want him to leave, even though you admit that he does do a lot.

I think you need to think about what it is that's bothering you. It sounds like you just hate having to do any housework and that you resent having to do anything you don't want to do. But household chores are just part of life, not many people do actually enjoy doing them, but they still have to be done.

Imagine if your life stayed exactly as it is now, but that you had a money fairy who was prepared to pay for you to have a cleaner, to have all your clothes service washed, and to do all your food shopping and cooking. All of those chores that you hate just vanish almost completely out of your life.

Does that thought make you feel happy? Does it seem like all your troubles would be lifted if that happened, or are there still things left over that would make you feel resentful and unhappy?

I work part time, DH works long hours. In the week I do most of the housework and childcare. DH will cook once a week if he gets back in time. Weekends we share the load.

I wouldn't expect DH to get home from a long day and start doing housework when I haven't been at work. Obviously when I work full time we'll have to change the situation.

hermioneweasley Sun 10-Feb-13 11:18:57

Go full time and get a cleaner/nanny/housekeeper

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:13

Oops - responsibilities, but you thrash it out and get on with it. I returned full time the moment dc2 started reception class. Up to then I'd done part time and done more domestic stuff. There's nothing wrong with working full time- you just need to stop finding 'reasons' why it wouldn't work. And frankly, if one of those 'reasons' is that your dh works away, then between the two of you, you chose that situation, you chose for his career to steam ahead while yours took a back seat.
If you want to continue part time, then I don't think it's fair to blame your husband because you don't enjoy your days off. Thats your responsibility to resolve

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just don't get it when women complain about their lot, and then find excuses not to change the status quo.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:34

You sound horrible.

If my husband screamed at me that he hated me and would continue to do so until I left then his divorce papers would be served as soon as humanely possible.

Disgusting way to treat someone.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:20:41

HandbagCrab, when DH isn't here I merrily get on with looking after the DC/cooking/tidying etc but when he's around I just feel like giving him the Vs from the next room as he watches You've Been Framed or whatever. It's easier to just 'down tools' and then the house disintegrates <not quite but ykwim>.

He likes to sit and watch telly for a while which is absolutely fine but I just feel so angry sometimes. On the other hand I know that we have a great life and that I have a lot to be thankful for.

TheFallenMadonna Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:01

A cleaner does make my life better for sure...

Look OP, you don't know what you want. So you have to decide what that is, and then discuss with your DH what cam reasonably be achieved towards that with both of you making adjustments to your current model.

I completely get the organisation thing. It is headspace that you would rather fill with something more interesting. It has to be done, but you have to work out a fair system together.

gorionine Sun 10-Feb-13 11:22:40

I went back to work after 11 years as a SAHM, I do work 26 hours a week, do take a bit of work home too (only because I want to, no requirement for me to do so. DH does not mind as he knows I absolutely love what I do). Truth is though, that even like that, I am home much more than he is (works long hours and has a 3 hours commute a day) so I still am responsible for all the "menial" tasks around the house. I do have times where I get tired of being the named house fairy but I tend to try and get the Dcs to help more as it is their house too. If they want a chance to spend a bit of time with dad, rather than him coming back from work and starting to sort washing out and hoover the house they have to do some as well.

Another important thing, over all our married life, even when I was a SAHM, DH never ever took the housework I was doing for granted and has always thanked me, for it. When he does help I do thank him too rather than saying "That is the least you could do!" a bit of respect for eachother goes a long way.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:23:52

'Imagine if your life stayed exactly as it is now, but that you had a money fairy who was prepared to pay for you to have a cleaner, to have all your clothes service washed, and to do all your food shopping and cooking. All of those chores that you hate just vanish almost completely out of your life.'

This would make me very happy. I do love my DH and he is a good man. I might enjoy planning some nights out/holidays then.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:23:59

You know I think there are lots of reasons why you might be feeling resentful but you need to get to the bottom of what they are.

By being a SAHM you've lost lots of opportunities to do other things, develop a career of a sort you can't reasonably hope for now, develop yourself in ways you haven't had time or money for because you chose to have children. I wonder if the not-fully-forseen consequences of choices you've made along the way are rearing up to bite you now?

You do need to spend time thinking and working through those issues, as a lot of the causes of your resentment may well be decisions you've made, not anything your DH has done (isn't frustration always keenest when it's with ourselves?). There may be things you can both do to make the balance work better in your family but that will be a lot easier when you know what you do want.

I know what you mean about the organisation bit though, it is not so much traumatic as feeling a bit as though you are in sole charge and needing a bit of support. I work part time, DH full time (out 8.30-6, not extreme long hours), he does a reasonable share of the chores but does nothing towards the organisation of the family whatsoever, I do all the finances, all the other paperwork, all the organising of the DCs stuff (school activities, holiday childcare, lots of stuff relating to DS having SNs), all the holidays, all the menu planning and shopping, all the childcare, any repairs or new stuff that needs buying for the house (unless it is electronic gizmos), everything related to our cars including choosing new ones when that time comes around. It's not traumatic but I do feel somewhat burdened by the responsibility, I rarely feel I can switch off from it all.

Also, it's easy to be negative like this, but there are plus sides, control of the finances mean my spending is never questioned, all our holidays are the ones I would like, the house is how I want it. We eat meals I like every night and I am not under any pressure to earn money, we could live on DH's income, I work for my own satisfaction and realise I am actually very fortunate. DH has a great deal of responsibility in his work and it would be easy for me to foregt that.

So, what I am trying to say is try and look on the bright side, count your blessings, whatever, it can be hard but it does help.

Brandnewbrighttomorrow Sun 10-Feb-13 11:26:55

You are not happy - to the point of screaming at your dh that you hate him - yet you still haven't been able to clarify what exactly the problem is?

I suggest you sit down and have a think about what in your life you are happy about, what you are not and see what YOU can do to change the things you are unhappy about. It's not your DH's responsibility or anyone else's to wave a magic wand and make your life perfect. I would also have a serious think about how different your life would be if your DH left you? Is that really what you want or are you just being a princess? What would have to happen or you to be happy and appreciate what you do have?

For what it's worth I'd love to be in a position to have a part time job and a husband who does the school run three days a week - I wonder how he is able to do his job in the limited time he has?

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 11:28:38

OP it sounds like you feel that you have swapped one role SAHM to WOHM and expect that all the chores dont go along with being a WOHP - maybe because you did them all as a SAHM?

Are you looking at your DH and wondering why you cant just swan in and out to a full fridge and dinner cooked as he always has ?

Well rather than passively attack your DH you need to discuss the changes that need to be made - most people would have worked on that one before taking on a new job.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:29:52

I know how you feel - when I was working part-time, I was doing virtually everything at home (including all the "unseen stuff like buying birthday presents for parties, etc) DH does do a bit, but he has to be asked....

Most of all, I really, really hated doing the cleaning and felt soooo resentful of him not having to do hardly any of it. It was a BIG issue for me.

I went back to work full-time in September and we got a cleaner. We also get our shopping delivered (on a night when DH has to put it awaywink) My life is transformed! I rarely feel resentful of him nowsmile

So yes, get a cleaner and sort as much of the other stuff as you can so that you don't feel that you are doing it all!

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:32:29

It doesn't take that much to get the house in order/chores done. I do a couple of loads of laundry before work, and will put dinner in the slow cooker one or two mornings, so that most of the work is done. Get your DH to do the hoovering, dusting and hoovering/washing floors. Put washing away as soon as it comes out of the drier/off the line, then if you want it ironed, you pull it out of its home and iron it - this way you don't have drifts of washing piling up and taking over. Bathrooms can be done in about 10 minutes.

If you have days when you don't work, then yes, use this time for cleaning/tidying. Get up early, set yourself a target of having done as much as you can in 2-3 hours, then do something you enjoy.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:33:29

Or as everyone else has said, get a cleaner...

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:35:07

MrsS, that is precisely what I hated about working part-time - the feeling that I should be doing housework for 2-3 hours.

I would MUCH rather be at work earning enough to pay our lovely cleanersmile

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:35:54

The thing that made me blow a gasket this morning is that I was thinking about/planning for tomorrow (my day off) and when I totalled it up, there would have to be 12 x 15 minutes driving sessions, 30 minutes hanging around time and 1hr listening time, all to do with the DC. All I could think of was that DH dropped DD to the bus the other morning and she forgot her ballet things and he forgot his suit. And anytime he drops her off I have to remind him to remind her what she needs and he doesn't use any headspace but does the 'chore' and gets to feel like super dad.

I'm sorry this is all a bit of a ramble. Thanks again for your responses. I think its helping smile.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:36:17

op you make me feel stabby

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 11:39:47

Words fail me really.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:40:02

Well don't remind him to remind her! He's not a child - either remind her, or write it on a calendar - eg Monday PE kit, Tuesday Ballet stuff, Wednesday Brownie uniform etc etc. That way it's all there for everyone to see, and no blame or reminding if stuff gets forgotten.

Who would do all the driving and hanging about if you were working full time?

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 11:41:18

12 x 15 minutes driving time shock
What on earth are you doing ?

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:42:07

12 x 15 minutes driving time? What on earth do your children do which requires such time consuming and restricting ferrying about?

Sounds to me like you have created a lifestyle which perhaps suited you at one point- you giving up work for 10 years, children needing numerous lifts all over the place- and now you're fed up of it. Which isn't your husbands fault. And neither is it your childrens fault if you've facilitated the sort of ridiculous charade of driving and waiting which you describe

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:45:18

OP, is there any chance you could go back to full-time work and get an aupair or some other childcare? How old are your DC?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:45:37

you're a bit of a shouty princess aren't you. you work less than your dh,so proportionately you do more
what bit of that dont you get,fair is do proportionate amount tasks

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:47:36

lol at shouty princess grin

niceguy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:48:19

Why should I do more domestic stuff?

Quite simply because you have more time. Frankly I'm not sure what you expect your poor DH to do. You already said that .....DH has taken on more responsibility since I started working. He does school runs and after school activities on the days that I work.

You've also said he works full time and often has to travel away on business.

I have to wonder what it is you expect your poor DH to do? What more can he do? Genuine question. Can you quantify what extra you want him to do?

Put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. What do you think the wisdom of MN would say if a woman came onto this site and posted that she works full time, he works part time yet her husband still expected her to do most of the housework? And that he now has told her that he hates her and wishes he would leave? I believe the response would be "Dump the bastard"

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:48:47

Both of these really resonate:

'Also, it's easy to be negative like this, but there are plus sides, control of the finances mean my spending is never questioned, all our holidays are the ones I would like, the house is how I want it. We eat meals I like every night and I am not under any pressure to earn money, we could live on DH's income, I work for my own satisfaction and realise I am actually very fortunate. DH has a great deal of responsibility in his work and it would be easy for me to foregt that.'

'By being a SAHM you've lost lots of opportunities to do other things, develop a career of a sort you can't reasonably hope for now, develop yourself in ways you haven't had time or money for because you chose to have children. I wonder if the not-fully-forseen consequences of choices you've made along the way are rearing up to bite you now?'

Perhaps I am just being princessy. The idea of getting a cleaner has been raised many times over the years and I think I feel that it would be a weakness to do so in some way. My mum (she has passed away) was a cleaner and that always pops into my head when the getting a cleaner conversation comes up. Arrrgh, I sound like a real mess don't I.

ssd - I'm glad I name-changed.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:15

If you were a man posting this you'd be getting a well deserved pasting hmm

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:29

Frankly a lot of what you are doing is parenting.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:55

Just get a cleaner. My MIL is a cleaner. They need to earn money, you want a cleaner. Simplessmile

FutTheShuckUp Sun 10-Feb-13 11:51:02

OP im so confused- could you perhaps summarise what the actual problem is?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:53:34

you were supported for 10yr as housewife and now you've got strop you've got to contribute
diddums,why won't your dh see because you have more time doesnt=pull your weight
utter bastard asking you to do fair share

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:05

My goodness, AIBU is so depressing this weekend.

A quick reminder

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:55:13

Right mrsgaskett- you need to give yourself a good talking to

Getting a cleaner is not a sign of weakness. It's a sensible response as long as its affordable and you've talked through with mrgaskett

Having days when the children require 12 x 15 minute ferrying around , plus Waiting time is ridiculous. If you have facilitated this by putting them in different schools all over the place, or allowing them to do activities or see friends which requires this, then discuss with them and explain that things need to change

The problem is very clearly that you have created a lifestyle whereby you didn't work for 10 years, have allowed your children to become very high maintenance in terms of activities, and have convinced yourself that outsourcing boring jobs like cleaning is 'weak'. You are now realising you don't like this lifestyle. That's all very well but it's NOT everyone else's fault. Sort out what you do want, and talk to your poor husband

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 11:55:55

My mum was a teacher, maybe I shouldn't send DCs to school confused

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:57:53

what's your point flattyre,what's relevance of the picture?
hope you not suggesting all us sista stick together?
this isn't wimmins's a dont be a git issue

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:58:20

niceguy2, I have to wonder what it is you expect your poor DH to do? What more can he do? Genuine question. Can you quantify what extra you want him to do?"

You've hit the nail on the head. There is nothing that he can do, I'm just shouting at him because he shouted at me first <so childish, I know> when I told him I was feeling resentful of everything that had to be done tomorrow.

Not every Monday is as bad as tomorrow. I have 3 DC. My eldest is at a school 45 mins away. She gets a bus but its 10-15 mins (x2) to drop her off/pick her up. Other DC can get school bus but on my days off I drop them off and pick them up (15 mins each way). Tomorrow we are going to look at a new school for one DC (15 mins each way in opposite direction), drama lesson x1 plus violin lesson x2.

We are semi rural (in case you hadn't guessed).

RandomMess Sun 10-Feb-13 11:59:45

I think the issue is that all the "responsibility" falls to you.

Dh doesn't do the school run, you prepare all of it arrange it he just throws them out the car.

I've left the menu planning and cooking to dh since I went back to work FT - OMG we are spending tonnes, eat rubbish and it's not improving much depsite it being 2 years yet I resent the other option which is me decide the menu, shopping list and do EVERYTHING bar cook it.

Very hard to put into words.

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 12:00:43

I'm suggesting that she should get a grip and be indomitable instead off among about her lot without trying to fix it.

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 12:02:18

Of moaning.

NoelHeadbands Sun 10-Feb-13 12:03:16

Are you fed up of having to do all the thinking all of the time? If so, I kind of get that.

Me and DH both work FT, and share everything else but the 'thinking' about stuff generally falls to me. Which sounds like I've just described my DH as an unthinking idiot, which isn't the case grin

If its not then, I dunno either...

boodles Sun 10-Feb-13 12:03:59

Is the problem that you are now working part time but still also doing every thing you did when you weren't working and that is making you resentful of your DH?

It sounds to me like you are mentally tired of all the children/house things. That you would like your oh to clear some of your headspace by taking on not just some of the family jobs but also some of the family thinking?

If so I do totally get where you are. I have gone back to work part time after a long time as a SAHM. I went back to work because I was mentally worn out by the drudge of the menial crap, depression, and other things I won't go into. I have loved going back to work but found it hard to still have to do all the family thinking still, that is what was causing my depression. It has taken time, we are two years in now, but my OH is now seeing the things I have to think about and is helping me by doing some of that thinking. There are some chores he can't be there for, like the school run, but he helps me by helping to make sure that we know where children's uniforms are, lunch boxes and other things needed for specific days. This has not just helped me but helped us as a family as I feel mentally freer to be able to think straight.

I still do the lions share of things but I know he cares because he tries to do some of my wifework.

RandomMess Sun 10-Feb-13 12:04:28

Noel that's it for me definately. Dh will do anything I ask, it's just I have to think it all through and then ask - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TumbleWeeds Sun 10-Feb-13 12:04:57

I am getting the feeling that one of the issue is about responsibility.
That you always in mind what needs to be done with the dcs whereas your DH will do the school run/take the dc to the bus but 'forgets' stuff ie isn't completely involved in taking them to school and thinking about everything that needs to be done.

Tbh, I would stop reminding him that he needs to remind your dd to take her ballet stuff. If it's his turn to take your dd to school then he should be responsible for all of it (as well as your dd tbh!).
Same with planning what happens at the weekend/week day, all the drops off etc...

But I have to say I would also work on that resentment. You need to take a bit of time to check what you are resentful about. Write it down and take a look at it when you feel calmer (perhaps the day after?). Look at what it is exactly that you aren't happy about.

I know at some point I could have written something similar ie DH was involved in the running of the house but I was still seething about the work that needed to be done etc... The reason was that in his mind, what he wanted to do always came first and the dcs last. Which very clearly left me with all the responsibility re the dcs and running of the house. It took us some time to reach a situation where he decided he was going to involve ie take responsibility. Since he has done so, he doesn't do much more than before BUT it's done in a different way so that I know the burden is shared iyswim.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:05:43

Msgasket- you've had choices in your life. You could have continued working and organised childcare arrangements. Yes, being rural and having children at different schools (especially one so far away) would
Make the logistics trickier, but it's no different to what many of us do.
But bear in mind that having several children, getting up and organising them and doing childcare drops before 8am, then going and doing a fulk days professional work before coming home and doing the household chores (which dont magically disappear for WOHP) is not without it's stresses either. You had ten years of not having that particular stress. You're now realising that your choices have stress points too. You sound frustrated and bored with your life. So you need to work out what it is you want, and talk to your husband about how to achieve that. Not throw a princessy strop.

NoelHeadbands Sun 10-Feb-13 12:06:03

See me, Random and Boodles are all singing from the same hymn sheet with the thinking grin

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 12:06:05

OP you seem to have got stuck in a lifestyle that suited you as a SAHM but are unwilling to change anything .

12 x 15 mins running around after your DC is ridiculous - they can cycle to the bus and get the schoolbus rather than you dropping them on your days off.
Cut down on all the afterschool stuff - its exhausting .

You are resentful and blaming but unwilling to make changes - if all this is too much for you do something about it !

TumbleWeeds Sun 10-Feb-13 12:06:50

xpost. Just let him deal with all this for a week and see what he thinks of it.

niceguy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:09:39

I don't know what the answer is. Well I do but I suspect you won't be willing to do it. And that is to cut back on all the activities you've got your kids signed up for and maybe move them to the same school so there's less travelling around.

Either that or quit work. I don't think a cleaner will work since it seems that it's the running about which is causing you the most stress.

But hopefully by now you have realised that telling your DH that you hate him and that you will keep telling him that is wrong and I hope you have the strength and good grace to apologise.

You've taken your frustration out on him which whilst understandable doesn't make it any less wrong. Make up and have a sensible discussion about where you go from here. Opening up a battle here helps noone.

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 12:09:50

ps there are some great threads about organisation on here

The best thing we did was get a family diary/planner thingy that sits on the kitchen counter.
Life revolves around it ! grin

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:11:55

NoelHeadbands and others, yes, the 'thinking' is definitely part of it.

RandomMess, it is very hard to put into words but I get where you are coming from with the shopping. DH when he does the shopping spends far too much and a lot of it is rubbish/not well thought out.

When I am out at work I am much happier but I have the option of working from home a lot of the time and by doing so I free up the time and money that would be spent on my commute (1hr each way). DH on the days that he works has a 1hr45min each way commute. Both of these are in the opposite direction to DD's school.

We (mostly I) have created a monster, haven't we and I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about our 'lifestyle'. <trying not to be too sad at what that means>

JumpingJackSprat Sun 10-Feb-13 12:19:33

do your children hear you tell your husband that you hate him and want him to leave?

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:21:36

The ages of my DC mean that they have to be in 3 different schools. We have chosen the schools which are best for each of them.

Would ideally send all 3 private and then there would be much less running around but can't afford to.

Niceguy2, I have already apologised to DH and he to me and we have agreed to talk later. Hopefully after this thread I will be able to bring something useful to the table.

My DH has fairly low self-esteem (don't say it's my fault because it isn't), so anytime I bring up my 'unhappiness' he takes it personally and thinks I'm attacking him which really I am not and what I hate about him/the situation is that it's very difficult to move beyond him feeling bad. I usually end up reassuring him that it's not him it's the situation and by that stage we are both rung out.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:24:35

JumpingJackSprat unfortunately I think they must have heard me as they were all very upset, we were all in tears (not DH). I know this is not good for anyone but we have both explained to them that adults get cross and shout and say things they don't mean and they heard us both apologise to each other.

BegoniaBampot Sun 10-Feb-13 12:26:17

something you said struck chord. i'm in sort of same positon though don't work and husband works away a lot. we had a balance of i do kids (all in school) and house, he works. only now he is home A LOT and i find it difficult. my routine has gone. i hate doing housework when he is watching telly or creating mess, even though he might be working on his lap top later.i just don't like the change and i find his presence annoying.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 12:27:28

You need to change what you can change - maybe you can't change the school run bits, but you could get a cleaner (if you can afford one) and get shopping delivered. That will free up a lot of time so that you don't feel so resentful running about after the DC.

marriedinwhite Sun 10-Feb-13 12:28:36

Like Hollyberrybush my DH is another who has always been out at 7.30am and not back until at least 8pm.

When I was a SAHM I did everything, admittedly with a cleaner too, and didn't resent it. I was lucky to be able to be at home for 8 years.

When I went back to work initially it was part time, 20 hours a week, and to be fair that was the hardest. I didn't have the cleaner more and got home at 3ish after working hard for 5.5 hours to launch into the school runs, activities, kit prep, teas, tidying, etc.. IMO part time work and a family offers the worst of all worlds - you don't get the appreciation at work coz you are only part time and you overcompensate at home because you are back at work.

Working full time I am out of the house from 9-6ish, compared to DH's 7.30 to 8ish - so yes I do expect to do more the household stuff because I am available to do it when DH isn't. With a full time job I also find it easier to justify extra help at home. Our DC are older teenagers now but certainly the easiest time was the three year period when they were younger, I was full time and we had an au-pair.

I think you just need to organise yourself differently OP and stop feeling resentful. As others have said if neither of you like cleaning and domestic stuff; contract it out. What's wrong with being a cleaner - why do you feel your mum shouldn't have been one. She clearly did it to help look after you when perhaps there weren't alternatives for her; there are other families in a similar position - why would you prevent another family having a little extra?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:30:53

you find the presence of the wage earner who facilitates your housewifery annoying
priceless,send the selfish bastard to the shed how dare he disrupt your routine
the routine that includes mn of course

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:38:21

scottishmummy, I'd much prefer to be working in a job that I love than running around after the DC.

BegoniaBampot, will you/do you tell your DH that you find his presence annoying? How will/did he respond to that?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 12:41:31

can you downscale the running about.

fluffyraggies Sun 10-Feb-13 12:41:50

I get the thinking side of this too.

I have 3 teen DCs (by XH) Since they were born i always worked PT. Sometimes 5 PT jobs at once. For years i did the lions share of the housework, raising the children and running the home plus juggling all these jobs so that one of us was always at home for them. It got to the stage where i was so used to doing everything that although i hated the situation i didn't want help. XH worked FT and would come home and expect to do nothing more. it was harder work to get him to help with anything than to do it myself.

I have a new DH now and the kids are older so less high maintenance. Also, for the first time since i was 15, i'm not working. So my life is much less stressful than it was.

In the past and even now though - it's me doing all the thinking and knowing and remembering. I hate the fact that primarily it's only me that really cares if the house is tidy or not.

It's a hard habit to break out of. So in some ways i can sympathise with you OP.

BUT - it sounds like your DH is trying quite hard to do his share. His share IS going to be lass than yours as things stand, but at least he's aware of this. It sounds like you're fighting against yourself. If you're good at running the home - run it. Recognise the job for what it is - a really important one. When the children are a little older you will be able to do more hours at your paid job which you love perhaps.

<thinking this was probably no help much after all that smile>

fluffyraggies Sun 10-Feb-13 12:42:21

X posted massively!

JumpingJackSprat Sun 10-Feb-13 12:45:14

you need to stop this and now. your children wont remember the apology as much as they will remember you saying that in the first place. they were crying about it for fucks sake. you say you havent caused his self esteem issues but by god you cant be helping! you need to get some professional help from somewhere before you drive him away and break up your family.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:46:02

We really must get a cleaner. It was a New Year's Resolution to do so. I made myself feel better about doing so by suggesting we got one on a Friday so that the house could be tidy for the weekend for everyone to 'enjoy'.

There is nothing wrong with being a cleaner. My mum enjoyed her job and yes, it meant that she could work part-time during the day when we were at school.

Part of me feels that I should be able to clean my own mess. We've all tried being less messy, and everything has a place iykwim, all labour saving devices are installed etc but I just hate doing it. And I don't think it's because I'm lazy/can't be arsed.

Hesterton Sun 10-Feb-13 12:47:44

I get what you are saying, I think. Remember that you gradually learnt how to be a homemaker, one baby at a time, building in each school run/extra-curricular activity etc one at a time. You built up the skills to manage your life gradually. He's not in the same position as you. There is some expertise in managing a home, it isn't that easy, especially if you have a demanding lifestyle. It's a scrappy, juggling sort of life in ways, where you try and hold a dozen things in your head at any one time without really being able to focus on one thing deeply. Not everyone can do it well; there are three children, all of whom you both want to have interesting childhoods full of opportunities to manage as well as the home itself.

I called those days my cotton-wool-brain-days, and now they're passed my brain is much more settled. When I started back at work when the DC were between 7-13, I shone with the joy of the very focus of the workplace but resented the return to my bitty juggling home stuff, servicing everyone. No-one's fault, just how I felt. I'm sure it came out as anger sometimes.

Now you are experiencing the joy of being able to escape to a working life you clearly love, where you can concentrate - or rather, you should be able to concentrate - on work alone, as presumably he has done for years. But instead your head is still filled with the anxieties of arrangements and a hundred little threads you feel you shouldn't have to hold on to all the time. I think that's what you resent.

Really, if you can afford a cleaner, get one. It will make a huge difference, particularly in terms of resentment felt both ways. That's one reason why you work when what you're earning is not needed for the basic, basic stuff. You work to give yourself a better life balance, and to enjoy your non-working time as much as possible. You aren't enjoying yours.

Abd pare back a bit, the DC can get the bus everyday, can't they? Cut an activity or two? Get a visiting violin teacher? There mmust be strategies you can employ when you are feeling better and working together after this row.

fluffyraggies Sun 10-Feb-13 12:49:47

2 of my 5 PT jobs were cleaning other peoples houses. I hated and resented doing it.

But that was my problem wink

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:50:23

Hesterton, your post has made me cry. Thank you so much. Tell me more about where you are at now.

simplesusan Sun 10-Feb-13 12:51:16

I do think that part of the problem is your desire to send your dcs to the best possible school. Sorry but there is a consequence to that- time.

You either accept that you will be trailing them around for a very long time or you send them to the nearest school.

I do get the frustration of organising though. I do the majority of this. If I leave dh to do the shopping then I have to accept he will not always shop around for the best price. Sometimes I get annoyed other times I just think well, trade off again, I save time but pay for it financially!

gorionine Sun 10-Feb-13 12:51:43

How old are your Dcs? can they not contribute to household chores? appologies if you already answered it and I missed it.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:54:27

JumpingJackSprat, I did think that getting professional help might be the answer. Starting this thread is a way forward. I know that what I did was wrong, I'm not condoning it in any way.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 12:56:06

If you have decided to have 3 children and send them to 3 different schools because you think that's what's best, then you can't really complain and stamp your feet when that impacts on your daily life.

There are options here. You could move house. Ok, it's a major thing but your dh already commutes for nearly 2 hours and the school runs sound horrendous so yeah, you've created a monster which suits none of you. Or, you could do what many parents of several children do and accept that their lives involves some compromise. We decided on a primary for dc1, and frankly, dc2 had to fit into that. Obviously if he'd been really unhappy or ill suited we would have rethought, but we didn't go out of our way to scour all the other schools in the vicinity just in case there was one which suited him slightly better. Family life is all about compromise. You cannot possibly run a harmonious family while trying to meet every little detail of need for each child, regardless of how inconvenient that is. You sound tbh as though you've been a martyr mummy- deciding that you had to be at home for 10 years, that a cleaner was a sign of weakness, that you are failing your children unless they all go to different schools and do violin lessons... The trouble with martyr mummies is that once the resentment starts to surface as it is with you, it can totally backfire because all your intentions about wanting to sacrifice your life for the children are a waste once they realise how you feel.

Start living your own life and your dh and children will thank you for it

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 12:56:39

DCs are 5,9 and 11. They are good kids, no trouble and a fairly good help at home.

Hissy Sun 10-Feb-13 13:00:25

I'm trying reeeely hard to be sympathetic. Honestl, I am, but the

"I tried working FT for a few months and it wasn't sustainable' comment meant I had to hide the knives.

I'm on my own, work FT, and have no-onme to help with either the school run, OR the funding of my childminders.

If working FT is not sustainable, wtf am I doing then?

Who shall I verbally abuse? I sincerely hope your DC didn't hear you. You should be ashamed of what you said. You have no idea how well your bread is buttered.

Look at the children's activities, and adjust as required to make them work for you. 1e8 wdm car journeys is a waste of resources. Could you walk/cycle/make a round trip of it? Your H could organise the dinner on the days he works from home, but it might mean you batch cook to achieve it.

Screaming at a man that actually does do a fair bit is not on.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 13:01:49

janey68 I am sure there is some truth in this: "The trouble with martyr mummies is that once the resentment starts to surface as it is with you, it can totally backfire because all your intentions about wanting to sacrifice your life for the children are a waste once they realise how you feel."

It adds to the stress/gravity of it all.

mumblechum1 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:05:34

I've always worked PT and always done all the domestic stuff in the 22.5 hours that I have "free" while DH is working.

Seems fair to me.

If you are both working FT then you should either share the domestic stuff equally or both pay someone else to do it for you.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 13:11:25

The DC will be fine - it was a one-off melt-down.

And reorganise your lives so that it all works better!

Hesterton Sun 10-Feb-13 13:12:43

Sorry I made you cry sad

I have been through various things (currently trying to get through the menopause!) but right now, I am siting in my clean, quiet, peaceful house with a bowl of dahl I just made and a glass of rose wine. The house is clean and elegant and lovely because a) my DP and I both work long hours and decided spending money on a cleaner was worth it and b) there are no DC here to claim space and c) My DC are financially independent and I am older and more senior at work so I can spend a bit more on having my home the way I like it.

Without children at home, my house feels a bit too quiet sometimes and I can't pretend I don't miss them and the hurly-burly of being needed. Being needed is more important than I realised... I know this now with hindsight. They're all doing so well though in their chosen fields, and I wouldn't want it any other way. My marriage to their dad didn't make it for a number of reasons, but I have a very lovely man who makes me feel valued, and work needs me!

You will be ok; make a pact with yourself though not to tell your DH that a) you hate him, or b) you want him to go unless you REALLY know you do. I think I probably did damage that way. I got so frustrated.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:15:36

You do sound as though you're reflecting on your behaviour and feelings and genuinely wanting things to be different.
Yes- the martyr mummy thing does add to the guilt and is extremely destructive . Children need to be loved , secure, encouraged. They dont need to be sent to the 'perfect' school, or to have mum
Ferrying them round for 3 hours a day. They really don't. I think the post upthread which describes how as these things have gradually crept up on you is spot on. You haven't intended this. But you've taken a big step
In recognising that you've created a situation which is making you frustrated and unhappy. And your dh and children (and you) deserve better

FWIW my own mum thought she was doing the 'right thing' by spending most of her adult life either at home or working in very part time jobs way beneath her true capability. I think she would have been happier seeking more fulfilling work outside the home. My siblings and I would have coped with having a front door key and getting our own tea a couple of times a week. What's difficult and stressful for children isn't the practiclq childcare and home adjustments - its sensing that a parent isn't happy

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 13:20:28

Janey, I think that is so true - What's difficult and stressful for children isn't the practiclq childcare and home adjustments - its sensing that a parent isn't happy

Hesterton Sun 10-Feb-13 13:27:11

Children often survive having an unhappy parent though... it shouldn't be another thing to beat ourselves up for as women. Ultimately I think it is down to self-awareness and the ability to think through these situations and try to put them right, as the OP is doing. Value them and communicate with the family as honestly as is appropriate for their ages.

I dislike the chorus of 'spolit princess', because if you were a nurse with two patients in pain, one with a double amputation and the other with agonising toothache, you would not deny pain relief to either. Both sets of pain are valid.

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:33:55

Hesterton- yes children may survive having an unhappy parent. But surely most of us want more than survival?
My point is really that generally , children are pretty adaptable creatures and can deal with straightforward practical changes more readily than they can deal with the more abstract feelings of sensing that mum or dad isn't happy.

boodles Sun 10-Feb-13 13:34:41

Hesterton, I am nodding like mad at your posts.

Hesterton Sun 10-Feb-13 13:38:23

I agree Janey.

feelingdizzy Sun 10-Feb-13 13:56:20

Hissy,I was thinking the same,I really try and put myself in other peoples shoes and realise that things aren't always as they seem.

But I am like you parenting alone have done for many years,working full time,what gets me about these threads is that I don't find it that hard really,but couldn't imagine having the choices that are presented ,part-time,cleaner,dh sharing chores.

I don't want or need sympathy I have a fab life,but would really want people (op)to appreciate the choices they have and exercise that choice because sometimes its not always there.

MrsHoarder Sun 10-Feb-13 14:34:58

The first thing that jumps out is 12 journeys. How many of those are drop off, dash home, be there for 10 mins, come out again to pick up? Can you make an hour out for yourself in that, go to a cafe or pub with a book and have a nice quiet nonalcoholic drink?

And yes to writing everything down. If there is a list by the door of who needs what then at those ages they should remember if for themselves. Get a cleaner as you can afford it, don't just rail about the cleaning needing doing. And try to get the DC together logistically. So if there is a tiny tiny benefit from the 9yo going to a different school to the 11yo consider whether it is really worth the logistical headache of having to pickup from two schools etc. See if they can do sports clubs in the same place at the same time. See if a music teacher can come to you.

Finally as you have to drive everywhere I assume you live in a village? If so, is it time to consider moving to a town where the DC will be able to be more independent in terms of getting to activities from about 10-11yo instead of being dependent on you driving them everywhere until they pass their driving test?

Yes your current lifestyle isn't working, but it could be fairly small changes that would make it work. As long as you sustain your DC's education, and yours and DH's careers (not necessarily all in their current locations) then everything else can be changed if you want it to.

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 19:13:11

Thank you all very much for taking the time to post. I agree as does DH that something needs to change. Neither of us are sure what exactly that is at the moment.

I will take on board what you said Hesterton about the importance of being needed. I'm glad that you are in a happy place right now. Love the sound of your house and eating dahl and drinking wine...

MrsLyman Tue 12-Feb-13 23:14:04

Sorry I know this thread ended a few days ago but it was still open on my phone and I just wanted to say thank you OP for starting it and for being so open about how you are trying to work through your feelings about your situation as it's really helped me gain some clarity about how I feel about my life at the moment.

My situation is quite different in that my children are both under 2 but the feelings of resentment are oh so familiar. My main issue revolves around moving from feeling like we were equal partners in a relationship, both our outside the home goals counted, we could both work as much as we wanted etc. Now 2 maternity leaves in close succession later I am behind in where I planned to be in work, whilst DH has been promoted. My life seems to revolve around nappies, dishes and washing and I feel guilty about anytime taken for myself.

There are days when I just want to stamp my feet and shout it's not fair over and over again until someone listens to me. The general attitude (or at least the one my head focuses on) seems to be that
because I'm a woman and I've had children my true ambition has been achieved. If I go out to work it should be through financial necessity not because I enjoy my job and have other goals I want to achieve. I am just so eaten up with envy that my DH gets to keep being him whilst I have to become someone new.

Although that is unfair as he has also made many changes to his lifestyle.

Anyway I'm rambling now but thanks once again OP and to the other wise posters who have given me much to think about in a very positive way.

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