Wibu to contact his mother

(55 Posts)
HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:29:24

So I lent my "friend" some money as he was in deep trouble... you see where this is going don't you?
Iv known the guy for around 6 years and thought he was someone I could trust, he assured me he'd pay it back by the end of the week, this was a month ago.
The week after he should have paid me back I had some bills coming out and I told him that since I don't have an overdraft I would get hefty bank charges (£5 a day) so I really needed that money. He told me he would pay them, I wasn't happy but didn't really have another option.
Since then it's been lie after lie and telling me he'll have it by Monday then Friday then next week blah blah blah.
Yesterday pawned my engagement ring so I could pay the bank because the charges were getting ridiculous and I was worried ( I'm not actually engaged anymore but loved that ring and wanted to pass it onto my kids someday)
I looked on Facebook and saw that last week he went out clubbing, so I sent a message to his mum asking her to please talk to him and explaining the situation.

We're both fairly young (early 20's) so he's not like a 40 year old man and I'm running to tell his mummy but I know her, she's lovely and I think she would be upset at his behaviour. He had a ridiculously privileged start in life and they did not raise him like this. I think if it was my ds behaving like this I'd want to know so I could kick him in to shape but I'm maybe biased due to my situation.
WIBU?

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:31:07

Sorry should have been WIBU to have contacted his mother
Also the last paragraph is a bit mish mash, apologies

TheSecondComing Sun 10-Feb-13 09:31:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy Sun 10-Feb-13 09:32:32

Whether 20 or 40 he is still an adult so I think getting him mum involved was wrong in some ways but at the same time I can see why you did it.

Do you have any proof of how much he owes you? Could you threaten to go down the small claims route if he doesn't start paying back?

exoticfruits Sun 10-Feb-13 09:35:06

If you really need the money I should just try all ways if you think it might work.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 09:37:52

I think needs must so do what you can to get it back.

But ffs don't lend money ever. It never ever ever ends well.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:38:21

No proof other than me taking the money from my account and the bank charge occurring but I can't prove it was for him.
There's texts and stuff he's sent but I don't think any mention the amount.
Small claims would probably cost more than the money itself anyway.
I know a lot of stuff about him that could make his life miserable but I'm not that person and as angry as I am I don't want to go down the route of reporting him.
I know karma will get him but right now I just feel so angry, if he'd have told me sooner I could have sold something smaller to pay off the smaller bill but knowing he was just going to keep letting me rack up charges makes me sick, who does that?

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 09:39:21

He's an adult I'm afraid, YABU to be involving his mother.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, never lend money unless you can afford to lose it.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:41:49

Pagwatch, I know I know. Honestly the worst thing is I have never lent anyone more than £20 before and at the time I had an uncomfortable feeling, why didn't I just trust myself ffs!
This is so far from "me" it's ridiculous but I was having a hard time with my own life, feeling pretty low and I feel like he exploited the fact I wanted to be a good person and milked the fact he might have had his head kicked in otherwise.
Grrr how do people like this live with themselves

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 10-Feb-13 09:42:04

Sue him in the Small claims court.

WhateverTrevor Sun 10-Feb-13 09:42:06

Bad news Harry , Karma doesn't exist same as fairies don't exist. You need to do everything you can to get the money back. Turn up at his house, his work , hassle him till you get it back.

pictish Sun 10-Feb-13 09:42:08

Yanbu to be thoroughly and completely pissed off with him.
Ywbu to involve his mother. Sorry.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 09:44:17

"getting his head kicked in" would be a salient lesson in not borrowing money/racking up debts from shady characters. If his parents are that well off, his mother could have lent him the money - but reading between the lines, he needed it to pay his dealer?

SirBoobAlot Sun 10-Feb-13 09:46:30

Honestly I'd have considered doing the same thing if it was someone I'd known that long, knew their mother, and they were acting like a twat about it.

Pagwatch Sun 10-Feb-13 09:46:31

I know Harry. I'm sorry - I didn't mean it in a 'you daft cow' way but in a 'really really remember what this feels like' way.

We've all done it. I've done it.
I hope you get something back.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:48:08

I'm not sure who it was to pay, he didnt say dealer, I wouldn't have lent it otherwise I don't agree with drugs.
He's dont know how deep he's involved and in what, he wasn't like this when I last knew him to see a lot.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:51:39

Thanks pag, I know you didn't.
I know sir boob it's what makes it worse, his family are so nice.
I'd like to this If this was ever ds someone would tell me so I could string him up
Hopefully his mums reply will be nice and not wtf are you telling me for grin
I'm a bit like a dog with a bone anyway so even now it's paid it'll be the principle of it all

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Feb-13 09:51:43

I understand why you did. Yes, it's his debt and nobody else's responsibility. But I do understand why you did.

To make you feel a bit better an to show that I honestly do understand where you're coming from and how you feel (because it's not just about the money, it's about a sense of betrayal) - many many years ago, someone owed us several thousand pounds. A cousin of my husband. He made a bit of a payment and then started with excuses. We were patient, said it was ok for him to just pay a hundred a month or whatever. He promised money would be in our account and it never was.

In the end, he changed his number and just dodged us.

after a year - may have been closer to two years, my husband contacted his brother and told him everything. His brother was disgusted and ashamed of him.

My husband also said to the brother that unless the money was repaid sharpish (by the guy who owed it), he would be phoning everyone in the family and telling them exactly what he'd done.

We got a phonecall that day and we got the money back on an agreed schedule.

I don't see why people should be protected from embarrassment if they choose to screw someone over. So although it's not his mother's responsibility, I would have contacted her anyway. And everyone else.

I fully expect to be told how revolting I am, but I must say save your breath folks cos I really don't care grin Unless you've been owed thousands by someone who thinks it's ok to screw you over, you don't get a voice wink grin

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 09:51:58

Well, if hes going to get his head kicked in because he owes money, he's either borrowing from loan sharks or hes getting his supply on account.

Frankly, I'd write this one off and not get any further involved. He sounds at best immature, and at worst, quite likely to bring trouble to you door.

lollilou Sun 10-Feb-13 09:52:42

Deep trouble to paying back a dealer? Thats quite a jump isn't it?
Sorry to hear you've had this trouble Harry. I think you are in the right to go to his Mum as you know her and he has broken all promises to pay it back. Hope she sorts it out for you.
Next time though never lend money you can't afford to lose.

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:53:15

Holly I think his dad was his next port of call, he did say he was going to ask him. Why didn't I just let him do that! Argh I wasn't even drunk grin

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:55:49

Oh Hecate that's awful but I'm so glad you got it back. It gives me hope.
At least it wasn't thousands, well it wouldn't have been I don't have it grin

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Feb-13 10:01:26

Me neither, nowadays. <sob> grin

pluCaChange Sun 10-Feb-13 10:03:24

I once lent money to a friend. We met through work at a very crap company, so when she was laid off she had no savings (plus, we had bonded, because of the fantastical dreadfulness if the company boss).

It was £400, from savings that I hadn't been able to add to for over a year, as I was earning so little. Yet she had no savings at that time, and she paid me back. From MN, it might seem that lending money is the worst thing you could ever do, but "enabling" the right person is a great thing to be able to do.

My friend's own conscience made her pay me back, but in your case, HarrytheHungryHippo, shaming him was a very good alternative, a kind of externalised conscience. The fact that he's 20something doesn't make it a worse idea to tell his mother --and his friends and workmates--; it makes it a better idea!

Greensleeves Sun 10-Feb-13 10:09:00

Hecate - good on you. The slippery little bastard!

OP I don't think you have done anything wrong. Maybe his mother can talk some sense into him. Unlikely though sad

pluCaChange Sun 10-Feb-13 10:09:35

Oops! Lots of cross posts, notably with the thing about having his head kicked in! shock. Do you think he was lying?

Hecate, I agree about public shaming! It's not revolting at all, just a matter of putting a mirror shield up against their behaviour.

Greensleeves Sun 10-Feb-13 10:10:34

lollilou I am no expert, but I think owing money to a dealer can constitute pretty deep shit

CloudsAndTrees Sun 10-Feb-13 10:14:28

I don't think you did anything wrong y contacting his Mum,but I think it would have come across much better if you had actually spoken to her rather than sending her a message.

A spoken explanation would come across more easily as the truth, whereas a message could just be seen as malicious. As you know this woman, I'd give her a follow up phonecall.

Have you had any response from her, and do you know yet if he knows that you contacted his Mum?

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 10:18:28

Ok - give me another scenario relating to deep shit/owing money/head kicked in.

I've just read the OP out and all three here immediately said 'drugs' and cant come up with another scenario. Gambling on account maybe. Little else that would involve a head kicking.

If it's any consolation I lent someone several thousands about ten years ago. With every assurance that they would pay it back.

This is back in the day when I actually had money.

Needless to say, I never got it.

Lesson - never lend what you can't afford to write off sad

lollilou Sun 10-Feb-13 10:22:14

Sorry I only read 'deep shit' not getting his head kicked in. If I owed rent and needed money or be evicted that would be 'deep shit' to me.

Uppermid Sun 10-Feb-13 10:24:28

I once leant a boyfriend about £200 for a car, (this was a looooong time ago!)

He never paid it back. After we split, I saw him in town with his new girlfriend (although it was me that ended it, I was still upset), I went home, called his mum, (she adored me, was devastated when we split and gave him a right bollocking!) and sweetly asked if she could ask ex when he'd be ab,e to pay me back. She was mortified, I got my money back.

So no yanbu! He is being unreasonable by not paying you back. Use whatever means you can

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:35:05

Hey hey I never used the s word, I'm a lady of class don't you know....
Anyway the fucking bastard grin if he's to be believed said he owed it to loans sharks. He a friend lend money to people and someone who owed him didn't have it so he couldn't pay back them or some similar bollocks.
Anyway my lesson has been well and truly learnt but I shall not give up. Hopefully I can come back one day and tell you I got it all back -- but don't hold your breaths eh--
Cloud, I know where his mother lives but I don't have her number which is why I messaged her. My only other option was to go to the house and I didn't want them to think that I was showing up to guilt them into giving me the money. I was really apologetic about having to contact her in the message and I would hope she thought more of me than to think I would be making this up but then who knows I haven't seen her in a few years.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 10:37:47

So, he's borrowed from you, to pay off the loan sharks, becasue you are the soft option and a source of credit that isn't going to kick his head in. Got any big strapping fella friends?

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:44:12

Fraid not holly, only the ex but I I really don't dare tell him

Seabright Sun 10-Feb-13 10:48:10

Small Claims Court is pretty cheap (about £30-40 I think) and is all done online. I think I would consider turning up at his mum's house, with the texts to show her.

Tabliope Sun 10-Feb-13 10:51:14

Harry, I'd turn up at the mother's. I'd go under the pretense that you're really worried about him as he seems to have got himself into a lot of trouble. I'd say he'd mention stuff to you like deep shit and getting his head kicked in and you're worried he's got himself involved with a loan shark or something worse (maybe don't specify a dealer - she should be able to work that out). Say that you're sorry to bring it to her attention but when your once reliable friend has failed to pay you back the money you're owed you're starting to think the worse. I might even at that point lie and say he's always been good in paying you back little loans before which is why you trusted him but now he seems to be giving you a lot of excuses. Tell her then that it's reached crunch point - your concern for him and also it's put you in a financial mess. good luck

aldiwhore Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:22

YWBU to involve his mother, but sometimes being reasonable doesn't get you anywhere. I would have probably done the same if I was close to both friend and his mum... my brother is an adult, if it wasn't for his friends getting in touch with me or my parents he'd probably be dead now. Probably different circumstances from your situation, but I'm grateful to the friends who didn't lie to me.

Lending money is always risky business but like PluCaChange says it's often a gamble between making a real difference or watching someone suffer unnecessarily when you can really make a difference.

Hope you get your money back op

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 10-Feb-13 11:09:16

The cost of small claims depends on how much you need to claim, the initial bit may only cost such and such, but you have to pay something at each stage although you do reclaim it. For us to claim just under £2k it cost around £400 this included a payment to the court bailiffs.

Definitely go to his mother.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:44

You'd have to prove he borrowed it to go through the small claims court. No receipts? his word against yours

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 13:34:55

No holly no receipts, nothing like that. You don't think to ask these things when you count someone as a friend

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 13:36:18

Eek she's seen my message, no word back yet. My heart is racing, why do I feel nervous iv done nothing wrong?

RobotLover68 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:43:11

I really hope you get your money back OP - it's a hard lesson to learn, we all want to be nice people but unfortunately not everyone we meet in life is nice back

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 13:43:58

I learnt the same lesson with my ex. I was 18 and he was 20 - I lent him about 150. I went off to uni and he wouldn't return any money. My gentle Dad actually rang his parents in the end as I didn't know what else to do and Dad talked it through with his parents and they must have told their son off. In the end he gave me back 130.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 13:45:55

In your shoes I'd text him and say that you will pop to his house next week to collect the money. then keep popping round every few days until he gives it back. It could get really embarrassing for them all. Every visit just say 'Is friend in? I've come to collect the 400 he owes me'

ivykaty44 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:51:46

you can involve who you like if you think it will help you in your situation of him not paying money back to you that he owes.

Whether telling his mate his mum or his other relatives will help - who knows - possibly he has borrowed of others and not paid it back.

It will though be a warning to others that he would not pay money back when he has money to go out clubbing

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 15:45:31

Y fronts he doesn't live at home. Iv popped round before, he ignored the door despite me letting 18 month old ds play with the doorbell- he must have had his head buried, it was a racket.
It's hassle for me to pop round because its out of my way really and then I feel annoyed that I'm wasting my time and petrol on top. Looks like I don't have much choice though

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 15:50:01

Just looked at my texts and the only one I have is one that says blah blah blah trying my hardest..., I don't know when I'll have the money but I promise as soon as I get any ill give it to you.
No mentions of amounts unfortunately
His mum hasn't replied, do you think this is a bad sign? I'm hoping she gone off to beat him rather than just ignoring me

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 16:30:49

My best friend had a lodger (a uni student) who never paid the rent on time, hid in his room (you'd really not know he was there...), stole food, alcohol and clothes. Irrelevantly to my friend he also got kicked off his course, but it ads to the picture. A real disaster area and most annoyingly of all my friend did not take my advice!

But in the end my friend wrote to his lodger's parents with an 'invoice'. They were so embarrassed they paid up and came to take the boy home.

I'd do it. I've seen it work. You'll feel like a bizarre shitbag but wtf else can you do?

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 16:32:17

Oh, x-posted. Yes, hope she's clipping his ear as we speak grin

MadamFolly Sun 10-Feb-13 16:56:03

Hopefully she is yelling at him as we speak.

Years ago I heard a story about a woman who was a really good debt collector.

Companies used to hire her for debts where the person was sticking their gears in the sand & ignoring letters, phone calls etc.

She used to call the person, leave a message, then go to their house & knock, if ignored she would drop her card with as many neighbours she could find (think "A Lady, Debt Collections & Credit Management") with a sweet smile and a polite "Can you ask John to contact me urgently when you next see him? Thanks ever so!".

If they didn't respond to that she'd escalate to their place of work, then to their gym, until she finally embarrassed them into paying up.

The beauty of it was that she never told anyone the reason she was chasing the person (although the text on her card was self explanatory) and didnt have to cAll in any "heavies".

If your friend is embarrassable I'd try similar with his friends & colleagues "oh can you get him to call me, he's trying to repay money he owes me but we keep missing each other" and see if that works.

I had to do this for £100 an ex owed me at college in the early 90's - so in real terms quite a bit of money (fucker got his grant & spent it on going out with our mutual friends instead of paying me back - so the next time the grant was paid I accosted him on the day in front of his friends - he tried to tell me he owed it to his parents - I told him that was his problem and he'd had 6 mths to pay me, and could get a part time job like everyone else if money was so tight!) and he paid up there and then!

Gears? Head! DYAC!

Pigsmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 17:40:10

Offer to let him pay you in installments? Then he won't be able to spend on something else, in the short term make financial plans, get an over draft? He won't turn up tomorrow or anytime soon with it in full

HarryTheHungryHippo Sun 10-Feb-13 18:05:47

UPDATE
Well it's good news, his mother messaged back and has said she will pay me the money- I told you she was lovely.
However I now feel extremely guilty as its not really her cross to bear. She said she is also worried for his mental state. I really feel for her because she is a brilliant mother and it must be heartbreaking for her. I want to help him but iv exhausted myself after this and I just can't look at him the same.
I'm a fairly forgiving soul so maybe in the future I can support him again just NOT FINANCIALLY

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