To walk out and 'hide' at my mums because of arguement with DH?

(79 Posts)
SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 14:10:53

DH travels regularly for work. Has early flight tmr so was going to go and stay at a hotel near the airport tonight so he doesn't have to get up at a mad hour to make the flight. He checked I was ok with that which was great. I was fine. Plan was that he left at 5pm today for the hotel.

He's a bit unwell and has been coughing all night. Said this morning he hadn't slept all morning so I took children downstairs. No problem with that.

He wakes at midday and comes down and says he is popping down to tesco. I asked if he could go after the children had been put down for middday nap so he can help me a bit I.e nappy change etc. He started getting stressed saying he still had to pack. So at this point I annoyed and say you have 5 hours left and what is the issue with going just half hour/hour later. At which point he walks away with a dissmissive "you always do this. Grow up!".

I became really mad and couldn't even speak so I just walkd out (perhaps proving how immature I am?). Now at my mums and wondering why I just flounced and how unreasonable I was? I know I should have talked to him as that would have been best way to handle and I know his work pays for everything as I'm a sahm. But seems every time he has a trip its all abt how important it is and I have to work around it. Perhaps I'm just tired as haven't had a lie-in for weeks! Sorry this is so long. smile Also, my DH isn't normally horrible. In fact a quiet spoken gentle guy. Just gets stressed about work related stuff and forgets that I may be stressed too.

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:17:08

He was being childish not wanting to change a nappy! But I have to say you overreacted if your mum's place is too far away and you have travelled miles just to make a point

This is so petty and could have easily been solved by you changing the nappy and allocating him a time when he is back from work duties to look after the kids whilst you go and have your hair done and buy yourself a handbag

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:19:35

I do get your anger though. I'm a mum of three -- and have been known to pop out for milk and come back 2 hours later whilst ex tended the kids, hence a hypocrite as far as previous post is concerned-- grin

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:20:08

Opps strikeout fail ha!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sat 09-Feb-13 14:20:40

Why is he leaving at 5pm for a long night in a hotel.Blimey that practicality half day.

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:20:58

Oops and spelling fail --apologises and runs from thread--grin

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:23:01

Trying again

apologises and speeds away from thread

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 14:23:29

Are you going to hide there till he has gone, really?

Can I ask what you 'always do'?

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 14:23:33

It is petty. I know. Ok I'm going back now so he can prepare to leave for hotel. My mums place is not far-just a 5min drive away.

I do need to book in my time and I think this is why I sort of drama queened. Feeling a bit overwhelmed for a few weeks now and I guess this was a meltdown. Just needed to put this out there and have someone tell me to snap out of it. smile

Dryjuice25 Sat 09-Feb-13 14:24:22

Yep, strikethrough worked at last! Trust me I'm teetotal

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 14:29:03

What I 'do' means when I've been annoyed before when he's tried to leave at like 3pm for a flight which is the next day. My reasoning is that children and I would like a bit of time before he goes and since flight next day he doesn't need to go so early. But I get stressed when explaining it and so he says I'm all wound up. Need to find better way of making myself understoood! And set clearer rules in place.

Yep a bit petty today but YANBU to not want him to leave at 5pm to avoid an early get up the next day. If the hotel is an hour away why can't he leave at ~9pm when the kids are in bed and you're parked in front of the telly with a nice wine?

YouOldSlag Sat 09-Feb-13 14:35:51

I was all set to say YABU and grow up, but having read your OP I agree with you. However, you need to tell him what you've told us so eloquently.

I am also a SAHM and support DH so he can in turn support us. However, what sometimes gets forgotten in the rush is that I am a tired person who needs a break, I am neither a robot nor the paid help.

Unless the airport is a five hour drive away I see no reason why he needs to leave so early. Tell him that he is a member of the family and can't just go somewhere quiet when he feels like a break from it.

manicbmc Sat 09-Feb-13 14:38:39

There is no need for him to go at 5 and therefore I don't see why he should be all stressed about leaving then. Seems odd tbh.

When he isn't just about to leave for a flight, speak to him about him making sure he spends some quality time with you all and organises himself accordingly.

Ah just reread it says mad hour not an hour drive. How far is the airport?

WorriedTeenMum Sat 09-Feb-13 14:46:54

When I used to travel regularly for work DH and I were often snappy with each other the day before. The thing that helped was recognising this in ourselves, acknowledging that we would both be a bit stressed especially at the point of going so both making an extra effort to be kind to each other (even if done through gritted teeth).

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 16:07:42

The airport is just over an hour away. I don't understand why it's always The Flight and a whole big fuss esp when he does travelling regularly. It's like WTM says - we get a bit snappy during countdown. He get's stressed abt packing etc and I get annoyed because he gets so fussy and stressed and forgets that I also perhaps need a hand. It's also definately a lot to do with myself adjusting to this whole sahm gig and taking on a very traditional housewife role where I do all house related stuff. It's lack of communication and a pinch of feeling neglected I think. I'm glad I posted on here for objective viewpoints.

Fandango and Manic - there is no real need to go so early. This has been my argument previously BUT I've come to understand that if he feels better, less stressed doing so than it's fine. However, it'd be nice to also get a bit of understanding too such as perhaps take the rubbish out for me or do the one nappy change before he swans off leaving me with ill children and more sleepless nights to cope with without a break for another fortnight Thank you all for giving me your time and commenting (strikeout fails and all!).[Grin]

YouOldSlag Sat 09-Feb-13 16:41:12

BUT I've come to understand that if he feels better, less stressed doing so than it's fine

What about you? Him leaving so early makes more work for you. You don't get to opt out for a rest once you have a family. He needs to compromise here. It's only taking him a long time to pack because he's eking it out. I bet if he only had 30 minutes to pack he'd manage it fine.

kalidanger Sat 09-Feb-13 16:51:10

He's being a bit of a drama queen, I think. I agree with those who say he can leave yours later. The hotel is only for sleeping in, not having a nice time. It's business, not a treat with an extra night away. YouOldSlag is quite right.

What to do? Carry on babying him? hmm

MsPavlichenko Sat 09-Feb-13 17:24:43

I rarely post , but 1. He his not taking out the rubbish for you, I assume he is taking out the household rubbish, and 2. his work pays for everything , because your fulltime childcare/domestic work allow him to go to work in the first place.

Ragwort Sat 09-Feb-13 17:30:43

If the airport is only an hour away why does he have to get there at 6pm hmm - my DH travels a lot for work & if he needed to stay overnight the night before (which he wouldn't because he is a very early riser anyway grin) he would just leave at 9pm, after dinner, get to the hotel by 10pm, unwind with a drink coffee and be in bed for 11pm. It sounds very odd that he needs to get there quite so early ................

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sat 09-Feb-13 17:31:56

if airport is only an hour away there is no way my DH would want to leave us a day early if he was off for two weeks. especially if kids were young and ill. he sounds a bit selfish to me op. sorry

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sat 09-Feb-13 17:34:03

It sounds very odd that he needs to get there quite so early ................ hmm is he travelling alone?

Casmama Sat 09-Feb-13 17:34:57

I think he is being totally selfish. Leaving at 5pm to stay an hour away for an early flight is ridiculous. I agree with the poster above 9pm is a reasonable time for him to leave. Why should you look after the kids while he swans off to a hotel for dinner then to sit back and relax for a few hours before getting an early night?

Turquoiseblue Sat 09-Feb-13 17:36:33

He s being a BT churlish and selfish - leaving so early to sleep before an early flight. He can sleep on the flight too you know.
You have needs too, you deserve a break,
He also has an obligation to his kids not just you- why is he spending time away in a hotel room when he could be playing with them - not just changing nappiessmile I think that sounds a little sad.

My dh travels a lot for work and the airport is an hour away. There's absolutely no way he'd go stay there the night before a flight - especially if it meant leaving home at 5pm the day before a flight.

So what... He gets to the airport hotel at 6pm and has a lovely relaxed evening, meal, drinks, early night, while you're doing all the shitwork at home?

He is taking the piss and he sounds like a selfish bastard.

nickelbabe Sat 09-Feb-13 17:40:24

it sounds like he's being the drama queen.

he doesn't need to leave at 5 to go to a hotel that's an hour away.
he could have packed at any time over the last few days.

and you need a break too.
going to tesco when you need help getting them ready?

no wonder you're getting stressed about it!

CaseyShraeger Sat 09-Feb-13 17:42:48

BUT I've come to understand that if he feels better, less stressed doing so than it's fine

No, it isn't. He isn't pulling his weight as a parent. In fact, he's taking the piss.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 17:43:46

I think you were being a bit unreasonable. He works hard and is facing a long journey and is unwell. Why could you not have managed the children on your own and let him get on with what he had to do. If I was in his place I'd be a bit annoyed too.

FireFoot Sat 09-Feb-13 17:44:18

When you're arguing over seemingly nothing, you're really just arguing about something else. There is something else amiss that causes these blow ups. The question isn't if you / he was being unreasonable or not, the question should be to look at the underlying tension. If everything was rosey, no normal person blows up because someone asks them to go to the shop in 30 minutes rather than now.

Plus, lots of arguments and him staying unnecessarily in hotels sounds terribly fishy. He is travelling for work, but I assume you are personally covering the costs of the hotel? Seems like a very unreasonable expense.

anotheryearolder Sat 09-Feb-13 17:51:08

YANBU
The airport /hotel is an hour away - baffled why he needs to book into a hotel ?
He sleeps all morning because he is ill - do you get to sleep all morning when you are ill ?
No thought not - selfish git

How often does he go away. It sounds a bit fishy tbh. DH goes away and sometimes gets early flights, it wouldn't occur to him to go the night before while I'm at home sorting the kids out on my own (although I wouldn't mind actually). Doesn't he understand that although it's tiring to go away on business, it's really, really tiring being at home with small children on your own for days on end with no one to share the load and repsonsibility with?

ToomuchWaternotWine Sat 09-Feb-13 17:57:32

He's taking the piss, BIG time. Words are needed, OP, about your needs too. The thought did cross my mind too if he was meeting someone, hence the twitch unless at having his times challenged. But even if he's completely on the level, WHY does he get the entire evening to chillax in a hotel while you struggle on at home? Does he take part in family life at all?

spiritedaway Sat 09-Feb-13 18:08:00

Sounds like my ex who has aspergers and would arrange his work/ life like clockwork to suit himself, despite 2 under 2's. He could not understand how i could occasionally be so unreasonable as to suggest he tweak his plans.

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 18:12:27

I could actually cry because some of you understand my frustration and tiredness. I'm glad I posted so I know I'm not totally nuts.

Vivienne- I know it is childish to walk out and I realised as soon as I was outside. Also, I'm normally inclined to give him time the luxury of time to sort himself out but this is how it always is regardless of whether he is ill or not. I would normally not have been so short circuited but for some reason today I was really infuriated when I felt he was dismissive. anotheryear - a lie-in when I'm ill? You must be joking!

I never thought to question much about him going to hotel so early. When I have asked before he has said that its so he can get there in good time to shower and have a meal and relax. I really not mind him doing this but would just like a bit of care/kindness/understanding or whatever it is you'd like to call it before he leaves. Perhaps to make me feel 'here' and not invisible. I think it's hard when you go from bring a person who was very social and with an enjoyable career to being at home cut off from your personal norm. Makes everything seem worse and I find I am quiet lonely and dare I say lonely. firefoot - I think this is my underlying issue.

I also really don't think there's anything dodgy going on. Just an inconsiderate husband.

I am going to do as suggested which is to have a chat when he gets back.

YouOldSlag Sat 09-Feb-13 18:13:18

Is it a long haul flight? two weeks for a business trip sounds like a long time, although not unheard of.

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 18:14:14

Oops! Lots of typos in lat post!

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 18:15:41

Yes long haul - Australia and Japan.

quoteunquote Sat 09-Feb-13 18:21:21

The next time he announces his clever little opt out family life plan,

just say, 'What a lovely idea, but that won't work for me''

his reaction will tell you all you need to know about his intentions to meet parental responsibilities,

Stop compromising yourself out of an equal relationship, it might get you through the next few moments, but it never works long term, you will end up in a horrible permanent situation, without options.

MajesticWhine Sat 09-Feb-13 18:40:44

I think it sounds a bit suspicious, but maybe that's me.
But in any case, YANBU, he is being a precious and inconsiderate.

spiritedaway Sat 09-Feb-13 18:44:21

Does changing plans stress him out op ?

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 18:46:59

I don't think it matters that you did a childish thing if you did. I sometimes do childish things myself when I'm annoyed though try not to. grin However, look at the bigger picture and if he's usually quite considerate and reasonable then OK put this behind you. But on the other hand if you feel taken for granted and made not to feel important then that's different. And really it is a pretty tiring journey he is about to face.

WorriedTeenMum Sat 09-Feb-13 18:54:47

I would also challenge the need for a hotel if you are only an hour from the airport. Even an on site hotel will be 15-20 minutes from the check-in desks so he is only saving himself 45 minutes.

On the whole business trips are not a lot of fun but it sounds like he has got into this habit which is unfair on the rest of his family (ie you and your children).

If he is generally a decent person then talk to him and make him aware of how being abandoned by him while he goes off for a bit of 'me' time feels for you. However also listen to him and find out if there is a reason why he wants a break before the flight.

zeno Sat 09-Feb-13 19:26:39

My dh regularly has early flights from airports several hours drive away. He gets up in the middle of the night to do the drive rather than have to leave home earlier than he has to. If compelled to do a hotel overnight he leaves after bedtime story. So, the whole 5pm leaving thing seems like taking the piss to me.

I don't imagine you feel very cherished at the moment. He is being an inconsiderate git.

anotheryearolder Sat 09-Feb-13 20:35:34

Op - I wasnt jokingsad
Why should your DH get to lie in when he is ill while you get to do all the graft whether you are ill or not.
This is not an equal relationship.

fluffypillow Sat 09-Feb-13 20:49:59

YABU, sorry. If you know your DH gets stressed when preparing for a business trip, then why make it worse for him. You should be supporting him, not adding to his stress by asking him to do tasks you could easily do yourself.

I think you were attention seeking tbh.

CaseyShraeger Sat 09-Feb-13 21:28:50

If you know your DH gets stressed when preparing for a business trip, then why make it worse for him. You should be supporting him, not adding to his stress by asking him to do tasks you could easily do yourself.

But the OP gets stressed when her DH is going to be away for a couple of weeks and she's going to have the DCs single handed. Why is he making it worse for her by spending his last 24 hours having a nice lie in, then popping out to the shops, then "packing" for several hours, then swanning off to a hotel for a relaxing evening by himself when there's absolutely no need to do so ? Why make it worse for her? Shouldn't he be supporting her (and, incidentally, spending some hands-on time with the children he won't be seeing for a couple of weeks), not adding to her stress by insisting on a total lack of flexibility in a schedule that was completely unnecessary in the first place?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Sat 09-Feb-13 21:42:04

unbelievable - an hour from the airport is not far!

My DH travels regularly and often is up at 4.30 so he can get the first flight out - we are 30 min drive at that time of the morning - if he went sunday night it would be more like an hour.

He wouldn't even dream of going the night before because
1) he likes to spend time with me and the kids
2) It isn't necessary for work so he can't claim it on expenses (I think his boss would laugh him out the office if he suggested it!)

I don't know how old your kids are but does he ever look after them alone - do bedtime etc? I hope you are getting 'time off' as well

Mumsyblouse Sat 09-Feb-13 21:54:09

I see this a bit differently. When I am about to travel, I often feel stressed the day before I travel, I don't like doing it, and I may be preoccupied with thinking about what to take/work papers/packing. This isn't some get-out clause, presumably he is going away to do something reasonably stressful and demanding these two weeks? He probably just snapped slightly, you then escalated it rather, as you are also tired and fed up and not wanting him to go.

I don't think it is unreasonable to get there in plenty of time, my husband knows what a flapper I am and how I like to get there (in daylight!) and so would be happy for me to go reasonably early the day before, as I am for him when he travels. Neither of us would expect the other one to be doing hands-on childcare to the very last minute, sorry, but that would add to my stress at least.

I do feel for you though, I just don't think if this person is normally considerate and kind, then this is really symptomatic of him trying to 'get out' of childcare. Perhaps he just snapped a bit when his plans were disrupted (as I might well if I were running through 'things to do' in my head) and it then went from there.

I feel some people are looking to make him the bad guy (and even implying he might be having an affair!) when it is much more mundane than that, and partly due to your own exhaustion. I never ever travel at the last minute, not for a very important flight.

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 22:07:38

Spiritedaway not really ridged about plans as such. He is usually an easy going man but where work is concerned he is very very serious so does things like gets to a destination 3 hours early to ensure he is never late. WTM he has said once before that he goes early to the hotel as children disturb his sleep (they are terrible for not sleeping through atm).

anotheryearolder I just never questioned very much about how our work at home is unequal as saw it as my job since I'm the one at home so if children need tending then its me that does it. He will do it if asked but I have to request it. The default is that he is the one who gets a lie-in regardless of whether he has been/will travel. I really thought in real life most mums had same situation.

fluffypillow if I had wanted to attention seek I'd have shared this with my mum, sister and friends who (apart from my mum) would have said how he should have supported me but I have chosen to do so here so I can get views like yours and Vivennes. Also, this did not get me the attention I am after from husband! Nor did I think it would. I was just so angry I just had this need to get outside. The children had been up all night and I was just over wrought and acted like a teenager.

I take on board what you're all saying. Obviously, we need to chat again properly and I need to be honest about how I'm struggling. I think it's hard for him to imagine that I may be but I am. I do worry that he has checked out of our family life- part of this is due to travelling but i know that he was a passenger parent even before travelling started. We need some ground rules so next time things won't boil over.

I seem so weak as I read these posts. Would you all believe that in real life I am much more assertive and not so sappy about everything else apart from my own private home life! blush

SaneAusten Sat 09-Feb-13 22:13:12

mumsyblouse are you my husband?

CaseyShraeger Sat 09-Feb-13 22:18:45

Mumsy, OP was asking him to do something at midday the day before his flight. That's hardly "the very last minute".

CaseyShraeger Sat 09-Feb-13 22:20:21

(and she couldn't really ask him any earlier as he was having a lie-in while she looked after their children by herself)

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 09-Feb-13 22:29:50

* I just never questioned very much about how our work at home is unequal as saw it as my job since I'm the one at home so if children need tending then its me that does it. He will do it if asked but I have to request it. The default is that he is the one who gets a lie-in regardless of whether he has been/will travel. I really thought in real life most mums had same situation*

Um...no.

See I'm currently on maternity, so home with our DS. My H still comes home from work and baths him every night, gets up during the night at the weekend and will dress him, do nappy changes. He does this because he is his Daddy. He is our child, not mine. Plus it gives me a bit of time out.

When do you get a lie in OP? Where's your time off? I don't think being a sahm means 24/7. Your H doesn't work 24/7, he gets time off, why don't you? And having to request he helps with his own children, really?

WhereMyMilk Sat 09-Feb-13 22:46:47

Sane, no, it's not normal for the SAHM to not get any lie ins!

DH also has a v stressful job and works 12 hours a day, plus on call over nights. He will always insist I get one of the day on the weekend as my day, he has the other-though, neither of us take the piss and stay in bed till 12! 9am is the norm-the kids would be in by then desperate to see who was sleeping anyway!

I do do most of the domestic stuff and childcare, but when he is home, he is very much hands on. At the weekend the tasks are shared-otherwise that would mean I would be working a 7day week! Everyone deserves some time off. And as said above, the work I do at home, enables him to do his.

He travels regularly too, we live an hour from the airport, and no way would he book a hotel for the night before and go at 5 so he can have a nice meal and relax!!! He'd get up at 3.30 and leave quietly then.

I went out with DD today, got home to find, DS's busy and occupied under DH's watchful eye, whilst he did some ironing.

You need to talk, and properly, when he gets back. He needs to become a member of the family and start pulling his weight. Not a very good role model for your DC's really.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:03

How about booking yourself into a hotel on a Sunday night and leaving home at 5pm to enjoy your meal and have a nice relaxing time and a good sleep before facing your working week at home? My DH gets very very stressed about work but he still acknowledges that I need a break and a rest, even though we only have one DS and he goes to school 9.30-2.

Astelia Sun 10-Feb-13 04:12:01

I can see why you were tired and fed up but going off to your mum's is very childish and will have really exacerbated the situation. You presumably signed up for three babies (unless they are triplets) when you know he travels quite a bit.

He will be feeling stressed about a very long journey, he has work pressures, he will probably be feeling guilty about leaving you on your own for so long. A massive argument just before he leaves, which you will both fester over for a fortnight isn't going to help.

FellatioNels0n Sun 10-Feb-13 04:44:34

I have opinion on who is at fault in the argument itself, but I think running off to mummy every time there is a minor argument (and presumably crying on her shoulder and telling her all about it, thereby casting your DH in a bad light with your family when you will no doubt be expecting them to love him again once the tiff is forgotten) is ALWAYS unreasonable. You are grow-ups in a marriage, not children who squabbled in the park! Keep your minor marital differences to yourself. It will come back to bite you if you keep trying to get your mother to side with you. It's not like you are actually fleeing for your own safety, is it?

SaneAusten Sun 10-Feb-13 08:44:24

Where that sounds great. It would be a dream to have DH mind the children AND do some ironing. I think this is one of the things I'm taking away from this thread. I'm going to leave him for an hour or two on a good weekend when he is not travelling and just go for a walk or meet a friend. Thus far, he has said he finds all the children together a little overwhelming. So will work towards this little by little.

Astelia and FN The travelling hasn't always been part of his work. Just for last year or so. Dh does agree with you. He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing. I understand that it was childish and an arguement just before he leaves is not good. I was wrong. However, I didn't speak to my mum about this-I agree with you here. I rarely speak about marital problems to anybody least of all my mum as this would just make her worry. I just went there, had a cuppa, a random chat and came back. Plus, she would agree with what you're both saying anyway and I know this. She did everything for my dad and I'm trying to emulate her but I'm not finding it easy or that it works for me. So I need to change things.

Casey I feel like you were there yesterday morning with me!

Euphemia Sun 10-Feb-13 08:53:36

Did you take the children to your mum's?

WorriedTeenMum Sun 10-Feb-13 09:02:23

Regarding the hotel the night before a flight would a compromise work?

If he is the sort of person who needs to be at the airport 3 hours before the flight then I can understand the hotel a little bit. A compromise would be that he enjoys the evening at home with you all then after children have gone to bed he goes to the hotel arriving in time to just go to bed. This business of having dinner at the hotel just sounds self-indulgent.

diddl Sun 10-Feb-13 09:15:07

I can understand the hotel for an early flight.

But the airport is one hr away & he wants to leave at 5pm the night before??

That is taking the piss big time!

No evening meal together, no helping with bath/bedtime?

Yes OP did agree to the children-but does that mean he should do nothing towards helping??

comingintomyown Sun 10-Feb-13 09:30:43

YANBU

I would spend this two weeks he is away having a major rethink. I would also think about returning to work.

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Feb-13 09:32:55

"He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing."

He's a prick.

And he treats you like shit.

Why do you think you are a second class citizen and he's the only one who matters?

When do you get to fuck off to a hotel, wasting family money, so you can rest for no good reason at all.

He's obviously in the wrong line of work if he gets so stressed out by going in an aeroplane.

And so are you.

Being financially dependent on a chauvinist who thinks women are there to be skivvies for men is a bad place to be.

You need to go back to work and get some power back.

Right now he is grinding you down into nothing.

This is who you are now - a powerless woman with no money of her own who never gets to rest and has to tiptoe around her husband to ease the stress of going to an airport.

YouOldSlag Sun 10-Feb-13 09:36:58

Thus far, he has said he finds all the children together a little overwhelming
-then he needs more practice at handling them on his own. Finding it overwhelming is not a get our clause. It just proves he doesn't do it enough.

It sounds like he regards the kids as your hobby not his children that he is equally responsible for!

This stuff about you "signed up" for the children just leaves me open mouthed in shock.

He says I signed up for the children so it's my thing.

I'd be tackling THAT outlook before I did anything else.
Good luck OP. I sympathise with your position.

CailinDana Sun 10-Feb-13 09:37:06

Why are you trying to emulate your mother by doing everything for your husband? Do you actually think that's a good way to be? To live your life as a skivvy to someone else?

Frankly if my DH said I'd signed up for children and they were my thing I'd say fair enough we'd get out of his hair and he could go through the courts to get access.

Mumsyblouse Sun 10-Feb-13 10:13:36

Yes, I agree with everyone if there is a big imbalance in this relationship regarding the children that's not good. My husband would happily wave me off nice and early the day before a big even/flight knowing I do the same for him all the time. We also have sole care of the children when the other one is away, so sometimes it's him with the children on the weekend, other times it's me (and both as well of course).

So, I don't blame the person for wanting to get away and centre themselves before work, and I would travel in the daylight myself (especially with the snow warning) but my husband would willingly help me do that, because we take it in turns to help each other in our careers and both take our turns with childcare. If this is not the case, then nipping off early to the airport is indeed a cop out.

FadBook Sun 10-Feb-13 10:29:35

You have recognised there is a deeper problem here, but that there is a solution.

DH needs to "step up" and be a father and see his role as equal to yours

You both need to devise a plan on a weekend that finds a balance between you have 'me' time, DH having 'me' time, DH having 'kids alone' time and you all having family time.

Your situation sounds so familiar to me SaneAustin, it is entirely possible to change how things are, I did this. One of the things I realised with my family, was that I was "rescuing" DP every time DD cried, or things went a bit wrong, instead of letting him learn how to do it and then feeling good about himself when he figured it out himself.

I wish you all the best
smile

FoxyRoxy Sun 10-Feb-13 10:39:16

Presumably he didn't want kids and you tricked him into getting you pregnant 3 times if its "your thing"? No? Then it's what he signed up for as well.
Being a sahm is both the best and worst job in the world. Working 24/7, doing the job of at least 4 people (nanny, cleaner, cook, chauffeur and I could go on) and not getting paid for it is shit. At least when it's acknowledged and appreciated it makes it easier to bear.

If your husband has such issues and gets so stressed about travelling then maybe he's in the wrong job, if I can pack for and travel with a 3 month old baby alone at short notice then he can definitely pack a few suits and a toothbrush.

My mil is as you describe your mother. I have had great difficulty training my husband out of thinking that his sole imput to the household is going to work and everything else is my "job" as he is the big important man. And I work! Nip this skewed, old fashioned way of thinking in the bud now.

nickelbabe Sun 10-Feb-13 13:21:13

fad hits the nail onthe head there with division/sharing of childcare.

he definitely shouldn't be trying to get out of looking after his kids by saying they're overwhelming all together.

yesterday, dh had a day off and I went to work with dd as usual. (I work in a shop and dd comes with me - 6 days a week)
normally, when dh is at work, he comes to me afterwards and takes over looking after dd. he makes us all lunch and changes nappies and takes her somewhere else. then we spent the rest of the afternoon together.
on his days off, hhe usually does stuff in the morning then does his usual workday routine (usually leaving us after lunch though)
yesterday we agreed he didn't have to come to the shop because he had much more to do. so ichanged all the nappies and made all the food and did all the childcare and looked after the shop all day on my own.
by the end of the day I was knackered, physically and mentally. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep.
when I got home, dh took over completely. I bfd her and she went to sleep, dh did everything else all evening while I wound down on the internet.

that's how it should be, not expecting you to be that knackered woman every single day no matter what.

coraltoes Sun 10-Feb-13 13:38:25

My husband ad I travel a lot for work, and long haul usually. We would NEVER stay away the night before. We live over an hour from the airport (most people do). He sounds like A bloody moron.

SaneAusten Sun 10-Feb-13 14:14:35

No I didn't take the children with me. I'd fed them their lunch already so they just needed to be put down for a nap which I let him know before I stumbled out feeling cross and out of sorts. I was very ashamed of self when I returned and they both grabbed me looking upset and lost. At same time this made me realise they should feel secure at home with their dad and not distressed when they are separated from me.

Will definitely put something in place to make things fairer and also calmer for me. Ive been making excuses to not talk about my feelings for long time. Was a bit worried that he may not take me seriously when in reality he probably would as he is not totally rubbish. Time for me to man up and be totally honest about feeling a bit unglued at times. That I need the help because sometimes I feel like I could just easily slink off for a full blubbering session. Bad habits (him) and enabling behaviour (me) has caused this. sad

I knew people would tell me I WBU for walking out. Needed to hear that yesterday to get me out of my mums house and back home as I was in a bit of a frozen state- not knowing how to be, whether he was right, I was too needy blah blah. I also can see now I totally could have gone about this a better way and not created stress at that particular time. BUT I didn't expect so many of you to understand where I'm coming from. Made me feel normal. Now I can really try and put down some family rules without feeling crazed and demanding which is why I've not been so assertive in this regard previously. Felt I didn't have this right as a sahm (pls don't blast me for this. I know this is contrary to popular feeling). This is how I've seen my mum being and no, I don't want that life completely and I see I do have a choice and some control.

Thanks all.

YouOldSlag Sun 10-Feb-13 16:16:37

SaneAusten, you are doing a great job, but you need to stop putting yourself last. Even if your DH doesn't like the new regime, or finds it hard to adjust, it will soon become habit and these dark days will soon be in the past.

If he finds the kids overwhelming then he should have nothing but sympathy and admiration for you, who manages it 24/7!

Going to your mum's might be a bit extreme but YANBU in general.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean your DH doesn't have to do any parenting, and that you never get a break. Had he done as he wanted yesterday he'd have lain in till 12, gone to Tesco, packed and left - leaving you doing solo childcare all day. Before leaving un-necessarily early to go to a hotel, before going on a business trip which may be a strain for him, but is also a strain for you as you're doing childcare without any backup at all while he's away.

YouOldSlag Mon 11-Feb-13 14:30:05

Agree with josie.

If you hadn't intervened he would have got up at 12, mooched about Tesco's and buggered off at 5. He is mistaking his family man present for his Bachelor past. Frankly he is behaving like a lodger.

When he gets back, it's essential that he spends time alone with his own children i.e they are not just yours! Parenthood is what you make it:You get back what you put in. He sounds indifferent to it and is lumping the kids together as Your Job along with the housework.

If it were me, that attitude would have to change fast before I could carry on.

SaneAusten Mon 11-Feb-13 22:21:38

Yes, it makes me feel really sad and also sometimes angry and sometimes I just figured this is normal (because it is if i compare to my parents marriage). He is rather a quiet man so finds the children too much sometimes but this makes me feel alone in this set up. Don't get me wrong he does do some cuddles and playtime with them but there's a limit to it before it gets too much as he is not used to it.

When he is working all week and then leaving the house on a Saturday for two weeks and then perhaps coming back for a week and then back off again it is really hard to have conversations like this let alone try and install a new method of parenting so I've just worked round what I could. BUT reactions on this thread and my own ridiculous melt down on Saturday show that this is unacceptable so I need to get us both working on this ASAP.

Parenthood is definitely what you make it. That's exactly it. Atm things are not good and I don't know what I've been playing at to let it get like this but something has got to give!

YouOldSlag Tue 12-Feb-13 16:51:42

You were not ridiculous. lots of people on here can understand why you felt that way! Good luck sorting things out. There is lots of support here for you thanks

FadBook Tue 12-Feb-13 20:10:08

Ditto YouoldSlag thanks

No judgement at all here and you haven't let anyone down or done "wrong", sometimes you just need impartial people to tell you what they see from the outside and it kind of 'kick starts' your little mojo to realise what was happening needs to change!

Please keep us updated. Hope this week is going well so far without DH there.

sherazade Tue 12-Feb-13 20:18:16

Dh regularly works away too. I could have written your post and I feel your angst. Having to hold it together before he flies out , there's always extra stress in the air.

However, I wouldn't accept him going to a hotel practically a day before! Seems uncalled for. Is he very touchy about his sleep? I know that I am!

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