To be upset that DH is off to NZ for his sisters wedding and I'm not.....

(108 Posts)
skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:45:51

Up till yesterday his Mum and Dad were going, then we find out his selfish Mum decides not to go because she is afraid of being ill whilst there, so DH steps in and says he will go, at the moment his Dad will pay for his ticket only, or will try to change the name at the least. I'm upset on a couple of counts, his job and mine are at risk, so we haven't booked a family holiday for this year but I have saved a little, this will now be used as even if his ticket is paid for then there will of course be plenty of other things he has to pay for. I accept he has to go, why would he not it's too good an opportunity to not take up the holiday of a lifetime but as a family we're missing out on this event too so I find that sad, plus the fact any chance we had of a holiday is gone. I am annoyed at my MIL for she doesn't think of the knock on effect on everything and everyone least not his employers and the job situation.....

LadyMargolotta Sat 09-Feb-13 11:47:31

Will he be putting his job at risk by taking this holiday?

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 11:49:43

If MIL is afraid she'll be ill, that's not selfish...I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose. Having said that, you will have to tell DH that he may need to live very frugally over there...ie not go out to eat etc. I think Yabu really.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:50:28

He spoke to his manager this morning she said she was 99% he could go but I don't know how this would effect/look later on when he has to apply for a job where there are 9 candidates and 4 jobs....who knows I'm just annoyed the MIL doesn't even think about these things.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:51:02

Fact is she's not ill, she just thinks she might be...

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:51:58

And when he's over there I know he's not going to be frugal he be in holiday mode

CharlieMumma Sat 09-Feb-13 11:54:13

Why would him taking a bit of annual leave affect him getting a job? Don't get that sorry.

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 11:55:27

If MIL is afraid of being ill that's due to anxiety which she can't help either. Also dont see why annual leave would affect DHs future in his job.

I'm not sure why you are pissed off with your MIL tbh. Your DH is a grown up he doesn't have to go just because she isn't.

TidyDancer Sat 09-Feb-13 11:56:18

It's still not unreasonable for her not to go. Do you really think she would choose to miss her DD's wedding out of choice? She is obviously very worried to pull out.

Your issue here is whether or not you as a family can afford for him to go. And if you can't, whether or not the ticket is covered is neither here nor there. As you point out, that is certainly not the only cost incurred on this kind of holiday.

And then there's the fact that you're jealous DH gets to go and you don't. Does he know how you feel about this?

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:57:35

I suppose I'm a tad upset because it means the rest of the family are missing out and any chance we had of a holiday has gone for the next year at least. That saddens me as it means a lot to me

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:58:53

He knows what I feel but I also think I would not be fair to make him feel bad as he really wants to go I can't stop him he makes his own decisions

TidyDancer Sat 09-Feb-13 11:59:13

If that's the main thing, I would personally feel that DH attending his sisters wedding was more important tbh. Others may feel differently on that, but you can have numerous family holidays in the future. DH's sister will presumably only have one wedding.

youmeatsix Sat 09-Feb-13 12:00:36

she is missing her own daughters wedding, she wont be doing that lightly, you said "so DH steps in and says he will go" this is more about him wanting to go than your MIL, misdirected anger, it wont solve anything. This should affect his job if he takes leave owing. would you want to miss your sisters wedding? how would you feel if hubby said he didnt want you to go?

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:00:38

You could say that, we had never intended to go as we knew we couldn't even afford the flights, DD is almost grown up so not many chances of fam holiday now.

Umm, discuss it with him? Tell him there's not enough money to be in full on holiday mode, so take £x exchanged for playing money and that's it unless it's an emergency. Could he stay with his sister while over there rather than a hotel? I really don't see why taking annual leave would have an adverse affect on job prospects though...

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:03:05

I don't have a sister, just a brother whom I'm a carer for so I'll never be in that fortunate position but if I were I would want him to go as I have said I do I'm just sad of the repercussions

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:04:56

So there's a clash of opinions here.

You don't want him to go for reasons that ANU IMO.

He wants to go for reasons that ANU IMO.

It's an impasse.

Try to step back and take your MIL out of the equation. Her reasons for pulling out don't matter.

It's the fact that he knows how you feel but is going anyway that would get to me. It is going to cost allot. Plus there will be no family holiday. But it's his sister's wedding.

Hmmmmm. On the fence here.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:06:16

fluffy, you hit the nail on the head, exactly!
BTW what's ANU mean?!

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:06:59

Sorry, Are Not Unreasonable smile

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:07:54

How much do y'all think he'll need say if he stayed at his sisters and just needed to contribute to food etc, then he'll need to buy a dinner jacket as apparently that's what they are all wearing..

HollyBerryBush Sat 09-Feb-13 12:08:18

Well, it's a paid for once in a lifetime holiday to see your sister get married. YABU really.

But I can see why you are jealous. But you are still BU.

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:09:05

How long will he be there?

(sorry if i've missed that)

Ashoething Sat 09-Feb-13 12:10:02

I would just tell my dh sorry but no you are not going. Wife trumps sister in my book.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:10:42

Well I have faced the fact he is going, it's a no brainer after all, ticket paid for to experience a holiday of a lifetime, it's just the add ons and the fact we'll be missing out as I too would love to be there but obviously can't and the he'd fact we can't have a holiday. We just now have to get more money together in a very short space of time as it's at Easter which gives us 2 paydays...

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 12:10:53

There is no reason for him to be spending all the money you've put by in himself.

If he can't go and live within a budget that leaves holiday money for the family, then he can't afford to go.

There's no "making his own decisions" when he's spending your money.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:11:32

fluffy it's for 2 and a half maybe 3 weeks...

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:13:57

We almost had a row this morning when I mentioned money and he said that's all it's ever about with you money..... which I was mad about as I reckon it will cost us a lot as I have just thought they'll be insurance to pay for too. I am still smarting at the fact he'll use what we had in savings as a family but there's no other way round it I suppose

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:14:27

Is there anyway you could squeeze together the money for a ticket for you? If your DD is almost grown up she could maybe stay behind with a relative?

I know some people wouldn't dream of holidaying without their kids. Maybe you could shorten the trip a little? To lower the total cost and therefore help pay for you to go too. If you are out there with him you can keep the budget low, but enjoy the holiday.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:15:31

This is by the by but.....I get really down if I don't have a something to look forward to, last September I asked if we could book something well in advance I could look forward to, some sunshine so I started saving and he flatly said no, now however it's a good job I put a bit by just in case his job turned out ok

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:17:08

fluffy, there really isn't the tickets are 1K each and we would be spending on top, plus I couldn't leave DD behind we only have a few hundred saved in holiday fund anyhow.

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:17:59

I'm the same with looking forward to things.

DH and i have 2 nights in Wales soon and i'm ridiculously excited about it blush (We're in the midlands)

We've done big foreign holidays before, cant afford it now, but i'm just as happy looking forward to something small smile

thezebrawearspurple Sat 09-Feb-13 12:18:36

There's no reason for him to take your savings with him. Let him scrape what he can for himself and use your own money to take yourself and your dd for a special treat. If he wants to go it should be at his own expense, not yours.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 12:19:54

Don't let the selfish fucker take all the money you put to spend on himself.

There is a way around it - "no, you can't have it all."

And FFS if you guys have to spend the next two months scrimping to pay for this this, then you can't afford it.

It's very easy to be chilled out about money when you are the one spending way more than your fair share.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:21:00

Yes I know what you mean, I have this dream of going to New York, I always said on my 50th I'd go to Times Square as my birthday is New Years Day, I didn't make it and I was gutted but we went to York for a night instead, I'd like to say it was as good as but in my heart it wasn't. I think he owes me NY one day now after this!

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:21:46

Yes, could you find the money to go? Or would your pil lend you the money for the airfare? That way you and dh could have the holiday of a lifetime.

Is there someone your children could stay with?

By the way, I think you should have a conversation with him, and tell him that you are NOT telling him not to go, you are just a bit jealous and upset that you can't go too. Ask him to have a bit of sympathy and understanding, not a row, and see if he can see it from your point of view.

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:22:12

Sorry x-posted. How old is your dd?

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Feb-13 12:23:03

If my DH complained because I had been offered a free ticket to NZ for my sisters wedding, I would be very, very sad. A partner should be happy for their partner to have a chance like this.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 12:23:28

YANBU to feel a bit put out by this whole thing. But it was good of your DH to step in so his father doesn't have to make the long journey by himself. So it's just one of those times you have to say well that's all a bit unfair but I'll have to accept it. And it is annoying that you have saved money which will now be used on his trip. You would be very unreasonable if your said your DH couldn't go. Why not plan a short break somewhere if you can afford that.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:25:50

He knows how I feel and he just turns it around by saying 'well I'll not go then if that's how you feel' and I want him to go I really do I just want him to understand or maybe appreciate me saving the money for him to blow it away and the rest of the family are missing out. My IL's are actually loaded they did go to NZ every year up to now, I think they should pay his expenses but that won't happen.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:28:30

Mrs Mushroom I am not complaining! I am happy for this opportunity for him, just sad that everyone else is missing out.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:29:53

Also feel a bit out out as DH went to Olympics last year and we didn't, we couldn't afford for us all to go and he really wanted to, I was ok with it and I suppose I'll have to be Ok about this too.

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:32:02

If they're that loaded would they go for a interest free loan to let you go too?

In a small way it is because of them that this conflict is now going on between you and your DH.

I don't think my mum would feel good about taking me away to NZ for 3 weeks and leaving my DH behind sad

Maybe you don't want to be 'in debt' to family though. I'm just grasping at straws for you OP.

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:32:20

If his parents are loaded would they give you and dd a present of flights as a Christmas/birthday present for the next x years.

Ask them - what have you got to lose?

Seriously, if I thought my parents could afford it, I would ask them. They can say no if they want to. And if they could buy the tickets you could beg or borrow the cash to spend when you get there.

HollyBerryBush Sat 09-Feb-13 12:32:44

MrsMushroom I agree with you - I just read portions of this out to DH who said along the lines of .... selfishness and give and take within a relationship and being pleased for the other person that something nice has happened to them rather than dwelling in what they havent got.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:35:15

Thanks fluffy, but I know DH would never ask them for anything, there was a time when I thought they would treat us all to a family occasion even if just the flights as they have such disposable income, I am just aware that as usual we are far from their thoughts as a family and how we feel about it, they are unfortunately quite selfish.

fluffyraggies Sat 09-Feb-13 12:37:26

Just read you post about the Olympics as well!

I don't think i can be allot of help to you OP, 'cos i'd be just as pissed off as you in this situation actually.

sad

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:37:46

HollyBerryBush why are you making me out to be selfish here? I am wanting him to go he could not miss this opportunity. I'm the one giving up our savings so he can go why does that make me bad?

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:41:21

Maryz I know they would not do this for us, hell we get £25 for Chritsmas so doubt we'd ever pay them back at that rate! Nice thought though!

brummiegirl1 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:44:32

Is it because you see it that your inlaws are cutting you and your daughter out rather than seeing you as a family unit and including you all?By that i mean treating your DH to ticket but you either have to miss out or spend money you can't afford.

It's awkward as it's his sister's wedding so once in a lifetime too but i can see why you are fed up with it, i would be too and i don't think it is about you trying to stop him going.

brummiegirl1 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:45:34

Also to add i'm not saying just because you are married you have to do everything together but you don't seem to have been considered from your inlaws point of view.

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:47:23

Get your dh to ask.

Maybe they would do it for him?

"Dad, I would love to go with you to ds's wedding, but you know what would make me really happy, if I could take skyblue and dd with me. We could all have a wonderful time, you could spend time with dd etc. Would you be prepared to pay the flights for us, and we will pay you back over time".

He could ask. They could say no, but they might just be embarrassed into saying yes. And he should ask - if he is prepared to accept the air fare from them for him, he should also be prepared to step and ask them to do the same for you.

He should ask.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:47:41

brummiegirl, you too have summed it up, thank you for recognising it's not about stopping him but the repercussions it has on us as a family.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:50:16

Maryz you're right - he should ask - but even if I asked him to I know he'd laugh about it and refuse to. That's how he is. Plus I know IL's would refuse they don't really have much to do with us unless they are ill or need help like now....

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 12:54:04

Well I'd be spitting if he refused to even talk to them about it.

If he is willing to accept presents for him, he should ask for you and dd.

I haven't had a holiday abroad for years. And my savings have just disappeared into fixing up the car (don't ask) and a school trip for ds. I'm considering asking my dad for a donation (not a huge amount, just cost of ryanair flights) so I can take dd and ds2 away for a week - they can say no if they want to, but I suspect they would be happy to. And I know they have the money atm.

ivanapoo Sat 09-Feb-13 12:57:12

NZ isn't a very expensive place so he could be fairly frugal while there. And maybe borrow/hire a dinner jacket to wear?

I would definitely try to go with him, it might be the only chance you'll get to go and it's a stunning place.

AThingInYourLife Sat 09-Feb-13 13:04:55

So he gets to spend all the family money treating himself, and you get nothing.

He's a dick.

His parents are dicks.

Just tell him he can't have the money you have saved.

He doesn't deserve it, the selfish cunt.

Let him be relaxed about money without taki g every penny you have for himself.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 13:04:57

I would find his attitude hard to deal with tbh.

I can completely understand how you're feeling conflicted if he is behaving in such a defensive entitled manner about using money that means the rest of the family have to skimp and miss out, even though the stuff he wants to do is understandable.

I'd be tempted to take him up on it the next time he guilt trips you with "I won't go then". He doesn't have to be droolingly grateful, but he does have to appreciate his one activity is being paid for at the expense of the rest of his family ffs. Cheeky begger.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 13:06:24

I´d be happy enough for my OH to go to his sibling´s wedding.

However, I wouldn´t be happy for him to go mad with family money whilst there.

hermioneweasley Sat 09-Feb-13 13:08:30

I think it's rude of ILs to pay for DH only. It's really disrespectful to you as a family. In their position I would be mortified and apologetic and only offer the MILs ticket on its own if they absolutely coukdn't afford to pay for others.

Presumably before this your DH was not planning to go to his sister's wedding, so why is it imperative he does now? Also, if he uses 2-3 weeks of annual leave on this, you will have very limited time as a family this year, regardless of whether you can afford to go away in that time.

For me this would be a no.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:09:44

Update....

DH has just called, they are trying to change name on tickets, FIL has said he doesn't want this to cause a rift between us so I suggested to DH he pay for all of us, I just stated to DH that I feel left out and excluded. Whether he will mention it we shall see.

When SIL cam over this year from what she said it's very expensive there esp food. Hw could have borrowed his Dads dinner jacket but he'll be using it!

whateveritakes Sat 09-Feb-13 13:14:10

Why has no one explained to in laws how difficult this will be?

I'd have thought 3 weeks leave would have been enough for most parents to see they were being done a favour. Have you explained how tight the budget is?

If you unite and say "no" what will happen?

Will FIL go on his own? Will they be upset with you both or will they try and sort something out?

Maryz Sat 09-Feb-13 13:14:37

The thing is, if you all go you will be able to afford food, because you would be paying for it here anyway.

You don't need new outfits, look in the back of the wardrobe or borrow. I bet your dh has a friend with a DJ hidden in an attic somewhere.

Your dh should at least ask. If they say no, then fair enough you can just ignore them forever but he should ask.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:20:30

I don't think they have any idea of the repercussions or indeed are bothered by them except that FIL doesn't want 'a rift' between me and DH which there won't be but I just want them to understand and appreciate our point of view. Like the leave being taken, precious savings used and the rest of the family feeling left out.

skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:28:06

DH feels obliged to accompany his ageing FIL (mind you he's only 72). I feel I'm stuck here because I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

Like, I really want him to go and I don't want him to miss out and the minute he says 'well, if that's how you feel I won't go' then it makes me feel worse and if he were to cancel for my feelings that would be really bad and he'd never let me forget it.

How can I get him to understand it's about us as a family unit and our money we are using towards things we'd all like to do? As a family...

MummytoKatie Sat 09-Feb-13 13:59:14

I'm not surprised you are annoyed!

You saved the money - presumably by going without things you would have liked - including Olympic tickets while he swanned off to have a lovely time there- and now he is planning to spend all the money on something just for him. And he won't even try to be frugal because he'll be "in holiday mood".

Plus theree are obvious implications on his annual leave.

Plus you have a teenage child who won't be going away with you much longer and you wanted to spend the money on a family holiday before she gets too old.

And he's not even being grateful!?!

I'd be pretty annoyed about this. I wouldn't stop dh from going but I would be expecting him to figure out how to limit the costs and also what he can cut out of his luxuries to replace the money ASAP.

Incidentally - ask around with the dinner jacket - quite a lot of people have them - often sitting back at the wardrobe never worn! (My dh has worn his about 5 times in the last decade.)

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 14:14:09

If he doesn't understand now, no amount of explaining will get it through to him (I think he does understand, he's just been selfish in this instance).

It's more about you acquiring some of his ability to be confident that you're also in the right. Just because he try's to make you feel guilty doesn't mean you have too.

The more I read the more I think he shouldn't go all things considered:

1. He can't afford it comfortably and without impacting anyone else
2. His annual leave entitlement will probably be completely swallowed up
3. He was fine with not going before mil said she wasn't
4. If fil and mil go over on an annual basis, fil will be fine going alone, his daughter will be there fgs.
5. Trips to the other side of the world require planning financially for most people, as a family you couldn't commit initially so even taking the ticket out of the equation what makes it doable now?
6. In a perfect world you wouldn't mind, the world isn't perfect, shit happens
7. He took significant time and money for the once in a lifetime Olympics last year. The balance of fairness means tough this time.
8. Again he wasn't bothered enough to start finding ways to get to the wedding when he first found out if it was that important to him, so bollocks is it important now.
9. Considering all of the above his wife and kids miss out on a holiday because of his whim.

Just no.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 09-Feb-13 14:25:08

....and him taking mil's place so readily may actually be enabling her. Maybe if no one else would go she would look at sorting her anxiety and go.

ENormaSnob Sat 09-Feb-13 14:26:53

Agree with athing.

This would be a no here, due to the money aspect.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:08:00

Iamsparkly....fab post above sums everything up for me and really helpful.

A few things have happened since yesterday.

I found out that DH aunt (who is more loaded than FIL) is paying for ticket FIL is not, so that annoyed me he'd take the money from his relative to pay for his son! BTW the ticket is £3500 because they only fly business class, what the hell is that about? The name can't be changed so they have 'lost' £3500 for MIL ticket, can you imagine wasting that kind of money?

Also DH refused to go 'cap in hand' as he put it to ask for tickets for us all said he'd never ask him for anything because that's the type of relationship they have.

At the moment DH is playing a guilt trip on me saying he's not now going as he doesn't think it's fair on us. I am keeping quiet and letting him make his own decisions.

nipersvest Sun 10-Feb-13 10:15:00

am quite stunned at the flight price, a friend of mine is from new zealand and goes back to visit her family, am sure she pays in the region of 1-1.5k.

anyway, that's by the by, hope you get it sorted.

MortifiedAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 10:16:00

OP, how would you feel if it was your sister?

DH has recently returned from NZ where he had gone to see his Best Friend and be Best Man at his wedding. DD and I didnt go as we couldnt afford for all of us to go and travelling all that way with a one year old would be hell. He was away 2.5 weeks, to do the stag stuff, help with wedding prep and the big day itself too.

We are both on a low wage and only holiday in the UK so it was a major expense for us, but worth it. Imo.

Some things are very important to some people and I would forgoe my annual holiday for one year to do (or dh do) something like this.

MortifiedAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 10:17:20

DHs ticket was £850 return and that was peak time. Not business class and some lengthy stop overs but much much cheaper than the MILs ticket.

Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 10:20:32

For £3,500 you could all have a fabulous holiday, even go to New Zealand for the wedding.

I can't believe they can't get the money back - do they not have insurance? Your mil goes to gp, gets a cert saying she can't fly due to anxiety, they get a refund on the business ticket and the three of you buy economy tickets on the same flight to "look after your fil".

Sorted grin

Mortified, if you read the thread you would realise that the husband obviously wasn't desperate to go to the wedding as he hadn't planned to in the first place, and also that they wouldn't be foregoing their "annual" holiday, they don't have an annual holiday. They would be foregoing the possibility of having any sort of a holiday in the foreseeable future.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 10:27:09

There is a very very easy way round this then. Use the £3500 and instead of one ridiculously overpriced business class ticket, buy tickets for both/all of you in cattle standard class

Adversecamber Sun 10-Feb-13 10:27:42

Maryz has made a very good point, I had to cancel a flight many years ago as in hospital but the insurance covered it.

FarBetterNow Sun 10-Feb-13 10:35:01

FIL has flown to NZ many times before. He does NOT need a chaperone.
DH is being selfish again.
He thinks that because he really wants something he is entitled to it at everyone else's expense.
Was he a spoilt child?

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:35:03

Apparently they can't claim on the insurance as she is 'fit to travel' I was mortified at the price, £3.5K when I last looked flights were around £1K. I did suggest this but DH states the point of him going would be to be with FIL sat next to him and he's have to cancel his seat and waste money to go economy which he wouldn.t consider. As it is FIL has to pay £250 to change dates as they were going for 6 weeks and coming back on a cruise!!!

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:36:10

He wasn't spoiled quite the opposite, unfortunately they are quite selfish people.

Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 10:38:33

Who said she was fit to travel?

Has she even asked the gp?

If she can't bring herself to get on a plane for her daughter's wedding because she is too anxious, then she isn't fit to fly - the airline won't want her for a start in case she kicks off.

This is sounding very fishy to me. Do you know whether this is all a scam thought up by your pil, and your mil never intended to go in the first place but thought it would be easy to change the name on the ticket?

Also, business flights are more flexible. I can't believe they can't change the name/date/time etc for a business flight confused.

FarBetterNow Sun 10-Feb-13 10:40:39

It gets worse, doesn't it?
I think your husband has inherited the selfish gene.
Ask him how he would feel if it was your sister in NZ and you decided to spend the family holiday fund on a holiday of a lifetime with your Mum - who was of course perfectly capable of looking after herself.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:41:45

Well DH went with FIL to agent yesterday the airline won't change the name and I don't think she's even been to the GP about it in fact she's just refusing to talk about the whole thing not even to DH, she just said don't talk to me like a child when he asked if she wanted to go. She's a very strange person. I personally think they should get her to see the GP for some sort of note for the insurance I can't imagine wasting £3.5K absolute madness and it annoys me they can 'lose' that sort of cash, it's a fortune to us.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:47:35

DH said yesterday that if he went I would go on about it, (which I wouldn't - I didn't about the Olympics as I knew it was important to him) so that's why he's not going he doesn't need me hassling him. I suppose it was for me to feel bad about it but I don't I'm just holding my ground here.

snowtimelikethepresent Sun 10-Feb-13 10:53:12

DH said yesterday that if he went I would go on about it

well Skyblue judging by what you have said here I think he might have a point BUT....you would be justified in going on about it; it's a big thing. Let him make his own decision but then you really must have a serious talk about exactly why you are mithered )lords knows you have enough reason!)

JeezyOrangePips Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:21

For me it's simple. You saved the money - so use it to book a holiday for you and your child for the dates your dh will be away. He can fund his own trip!

StanleyLambchop Sun 10-Feb-13 11:00:23

Sorry if I am being thick but- your DH now cannot go as the name on the ticket cannot be changed, but he is claiming he is not going as some sort of favour to you as you would not be happy about it? So he is using the fact that he can't go anyway to lay the guilt on you? Nice. Second the person who said he has inherited his parents selfish gene.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:02:08

Is he generally this much of a selfish pig, op? Or is it the PIL pulling the strings this time?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:39

Same as Stanley - if the name can't be changed you are in the same position as before this question came up - none of you can go...

... Actually, if you took DH's name, you might have more chance as you and MIL are both Mrs X (not serious. Well, not very.)

QuickLookBusy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:50

Agree with Who

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:12:24

Actually I think I might already know the answer to my question. He didn't give a toss about spending the entire pool of funds on just him at the Olympics, did he? He blocked your attempts to book what was important to you ( holiday) without a care
You, selfish pig it is then sad

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:13:13

Damn autocorrect 'yes, selfish pig' that should read! Not 'you' obviously!

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 10-Feb-13 11:19:05

OP, this issue is a lot bigger than the dinner jacket of course, but asking on MN Local for your area or on netmums might get one he could buy, rent or borrow.

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:18

I actually think you need to tell him you think he's being selfish, he's focussing on how to go himself, rather than thinking about his mother and his sister - surely his sister would rather his mother was there. If she's freaking out that she'll be ill there, and that panic is unfounded, then he should be trying to talk her round into going, explaining how good the healthcare is there, that she would be with family etc. Is it the flight she's worried about or that something bad will happen when she's there?

It seems he's accepted that it's normal for an otherwise healthy adult to just throw away £3.5k of someone else's money.

He needs to tell her she should at least have the decency to go to the GP to see if she can get a sick note to get the money back from the insurance (which would pay for all 3 of you to go economy class) or she and FIL pay back the Aunt who's money they are wasting because she won't just go to the GP for a 10 minute chat.

She's being unbelievably selfish - he needs to see it and say you will be very disappointed in him if he just enables this rather than point it out. (guessing this is where he got his "not thinking about the effects on the rest of the family" from)

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:46

Oh and it's £50 to rent a dinner jacket. Why would he need to buy one?

ZacharyQuack Sun 10-Feb-13 11:25:51

You can rent dinner jackets in NZ. Which is so not the point.

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:30:00

Oh and also point out how hurtful his mother's behaviour is to her DD - she's not going to her own daughters wedding overseas not because she can't afford it, not because she can't get the time off work, not because it's an unsafe part of the world or because she's not fit to fly - it's basically boils down to she doesn't fancy it. I do think if you are going to miss your own child's wedding you need a bloody good reason - and she doesn't. Has anyone pointed out to her that it's unlikely her DD will ever forgive this? How it will look to her DD's ILs? That the whole family will be thinking badly of her? Will FIL tell people the truth about why she's not there or will he be making stuff up to make her look a bit better?

Can you imagine how it would look if your DM just couldn't be bothered going to your wedding? I'd be so hurt.

Point this out to your DH, he seems so focussed on getting a free holiday out of this, he's not thinking about your DSIL and what's best for the whole family, which is surely to talk his DM out of her silly behaviour and on the flight, or at very least to try to get the money back for the poor person who she's let buy her a flight, spending £3.5k of their own money, when she'd no intention of going.

Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 11:52:48

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where one of my brothers was getting married in NZ and my parents flew out business class, rather than flying economy and giving us money towards the rest of us going.

I find it hard to imagine anyone being so selfish.

£7,000 would have bought tickets for the pil's, the op plus dh plus dd, and left enough over to have a lovely holiday for them all.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:52

So not only has mil made the trip on a yearly basis before, they had a cruise booked at the other end?

Either she has some sort of massive secret she's keeping, someone's pissed her off Big Time or she's a major oddbod.

Your dh should possibly be more worried about his mothers odd behaviour than his lost opportunity for a jaunt (which incidentally is mute if the tickets can't be altered. Have you pointed out you're not the airline and he doesn't have £3k so stop been a brat and blaming you?)

Has anyone got your sil's view on all of this?

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Feb-13 11:57:32

Oh and I'm sure your dh has other endearing qualities and all that, but based on this thread I would cheerfully graze his heels with a shopping trolley! Not only is he behaving selfishly, but in a really irritating way!

CSIJanner Sun 10-Feb-13 12:18:19

My husband bought a second hand tux in v good condition for £10 inc delivery from eBay for our wedding. Family manged to buy theirs from Moss Bros who wre selling off their ea-rental tux's for £15 all in. It can be done and he can still look good. Alternatively he can buy a black suit in the Sainsburys 20% sale when it's next on which he mix a tux shirt with and then use for interviews for later if that's any help. He does not need to go out and spend £150+ for a dinner jacket

Inertia Sun 10-Feb-13 12:48:25

I think Jeezy has the solution - tell DH it's fine, he can use the free ticket, and you will use the money you've saved to book a sunshine holiday with DD during the time he's away (will it stretch to NY? )

Can the name on the ticket really not be changed - or is it just that it would cost to change it ?

quoteunquote Sun 10-Feb-13 13:50:11

Sounds like a great opportunity trip to NZ don't come along very often, could you just be pleased for him?

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:11:01

Originally I would have suggested that DH have MIL's ticket and enjoy the once in a life trip despite blowing family savings. You having a lovely hol when there was more money again. BUT seeing as the name on the ticket couldn't be changed, there is no way you could/should spend 3.5k/1k on flights. I think the IL's need to know that you can't afford the flights as you have only a very small amount saved for YOUR FAMILY holiday.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:13:07

Maybe he could have 1/3 of your money to go away with and you could take your DD away with 2/3rds?

holidaysarenice Sun 10-Feb-13 14:20:14

Could this be a MIL ploy to get him there?

6 weeks before she decided not to go, your dh steps in, last minute MIL decides she will go....oh look she has all her family there!!! Exactly what she wanted??

Not many mums wud miss their dd's wedding! And most would want their ds there too. I would be a bit suspicious.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:10:10

Dontmind....I agree with you entirely...I feel so sorry for SIL, I would move hell and high water to get to my own DD wedding one day. FIL will tell all she's ill simple as that. I really think she should go to GP.

When I found out how much the tickets were I was mortified. You see her father left his house to her and they told us years ago they would be spending all our inheritance and were going to have a good time, fair do's not something I'd do as I love my DD dearly but that's the kinda people they are.

Sparklyknicks...my SIL is devastated and yes my MIL is an oddbod, see the line above still sickens me at losing that money...

And...the dinner jacket is the least of my probs!

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:14:13

Y fronts, I like your idea about the 1/3rds...the Aunt is playing for a replacement ticket not us, we would just need his insurance, spends etc which could be expensive.

What I have saved wouldn't get us to NY it's only a few hundred and when I mentioned me and DD going on a trip he didn't like it but he has to choose doesn't he?

holidaysarenice....I never even thought of that one...but once the seat is booked with FIL and changed she can't change her mind then.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:16:06

I also think to book business class at £3.5 K is obscene. That's a family holiday for us all for 2 weeks!

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