To been furious to the point of throwing him dh out!

(74 Posts)
Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 10:24:14

Ds1 nearly 7 is constantly hitting his brother and antagonising him, constantly winding him up, can't see him with toys, etc...

Now ds2 (3.5yrs) is not a angel child he has his moments, but nowhere near what ds1 subjects him too.

Both boys are well behaved to everyone else, expect each other.

Today within minutes of waking up, ds1 hit ds2 on his willy, kicked him!! So I put him on time out. Ds1 then complains he couldn't eat his sausage sandwich as itnkepy falling out the roll, so ds2 thinks he can help, but got nowhere near and ds1 swings at him sending ds2 juice cup to go flying and hurting his finger in the process.

This is just this morning, this happen several times a day, not to mention then constant fighting, winding each other up etc...

Dh believes it all ds2 fault as in his eyes ds1 his his blue eyes boy, ds2 has been called all sorts by dh and today ive had enough.

We both have regular arguments, as dh constantly undermines me infront of both DC, saying mummy is wrong, daddy is the best etc...

Ds plays Saturday league football, after the juice cup incident I told ds he can't go to football which he loves as nothing we are doing changing is behaviour. Dh sat and said nothing, then 5 mins before normal time to leave he tells ds to go and get his kit on, and that mummy is wrong, and its unfair and he will be letting the team down.

So they've left, I asked dh yesterday to take ds2 to the match, and he said no as its too cold and he's a pain in the arse, and he can't watch ds2 while supporting ds1.

Then as they were leaving he said he'd take ds2, I've said no as he's only taking him now asbhenhas a guilty conscious. So now I'm left with a upset 3 year old.

Now I don't know if I am over protective of ds2, as we are constantly told how much hard work he is, what a pain in the arse he is, his grandparents will take ds1, and not even think of taking ds2, but will take my newphew, and ds is left out yet again, but apparently I'm just supposed to sit back, as according to dh he's a pain in the arse.

I rarely say this as I honestly think very few situations merit it but:

LEAVE

What you've described is so emotionally damaging to both boys... You can't let it go on sad

Dannilion Sat 09-Feb-13 10:34:14

No wonder your DS2 can be 'hard work' if his own father won't even spend time with him because he thinks he's a "pain in the arse". What a horrible attitude to have with your own child sad

MegaClutterSlut Sat 09-Feb-13 10:36:23

This will never get resolved as long as your DH undermines you and favors DS1 imo. He either has to work with you as a team or fuck off tbh as this will cause unfixable damage in the long run

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Feb-13 10:36:40

Get this moved to Relationships.

You'll get very good practical advice.

And I agree with SummerRain. There's nothing good going on here.

Can you imagine how your DS1 will treat you when he's a teenager with a father like that? And the damage done to DS2?

If your H won't listen then it's beyond saving.

MrsMelons Sat 09-Feb-13 10:37:21

I think it is hard to comment on whether your or your DH is right regarding which child winds who up as children can be quite sneaky, I have 2 boys and it is often the same in our house (other than the fact DH and I tend to agree over it all). It seems odd that other people find your DS2 hard work too so maybe your DH has a point however he doesn't sound like he deals with it particularly well!

I think YABU to say your DS1 could not go to his football match as it would be letting his team mates down and I believe this is an important quality to teach your DCs but your DH should have spoken to you privately and explained what he wanted to do and should never have said that in front of your son, this will just cause him to ignore your authority and go to his dad all the time!

YANBU to be upset about him undermining you - I would be livid about this. It sounds like you need to agree what punishments are suitable and maybe discuss what it is that your DS2 is doing to make people think he is a PITA. He is only 3 and they are generally hard work at this age but adults (who have had children themselves) should be able to handle this TBH, especially when one of them is their dad!

MrsMelons Sat 09-Feb-13 10:39:27

I am not sure what the OP has said in her post actually suggests she should LTB (yet) - definitely agree this should go in relationships - AIBU is definitely not the right place for this type of advice!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 09-Feb-13 10:54:09

There's a huge backstory to this if I remember rightly though, Altinkum ?
Massive apologies if I'm wrong, but I think you are the poster whose youngest was burned badly a few years back and has had a lot of hospital time and grafts. Wasn't your husband injured as well?
So the dynamics within your family have already had an enormous amount of stress placed on them, and your children have had much more to cope with than an uneventful family might have. Including a skewed sibling relationship, your youngest must have taken a lot of time and worry to get through his injuries.
Have you thought of family counselling?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 11:00:53

I'm just so sick if the fighting.

Ds has been "hard work" from day dot, he was born with multiple allergies, when a baby was very much a mummies boy, and was just a little bruiser, then we had the accident and its been endless hospital stays and trips, which then has resulted in more hospital trips as he is now speech delayed so his language skills are very much behind as well as his development. He also has asthma.

However he is a talkative and demanding little boy, he wans everything now, and im quite strict in that he needs to wait until in ready have time... Etc... However he is the most thoughtful child i know, he gets snacks, sweets, for other people, wants to help with housework, loves music and dancing etc...

Ds1 is nothing like him very selfish, won't share, measures sweets so he can get the bigger bit, won't clean up after himself, constantly saying he dosen't like this or that.
But he is placid, takes everything in his stride, loves footie, is basically (expect the cleaning and selfish part) a mini version of his dad, he can play with him on his level, where as ds2 is still very babyish (loves jungle junction, mike the knight etc) as where his peers are into Spider-Man, avengers etc...

I love both DC equally and try as its not always possible to treat them the same.

However I am finding ds1 hard work and info suppose dh is finding ds2 hard work, however no matter how much I ask dh we need get it sorted, nothing changes.

Doesn't help in feel he's checked out of this relationship also.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 11:07:51

there are a lot of problems - you and DH fighting in front of the children at the top of the list.

also imposing punishment (no football) without prior discussion

you clearly favour Dc2

I also am not a believer in time out - positive parenting would be more effective

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 11:08:17

also DH provably right about it too cold for ds2

thebody Sat 09-Feb-13 11:16:30

Unless you and dh act like the adults you are supposed to be and responsible for the two lives you brought into the world then your kids are screwed.

Some of your comments in your children made me shiver to be honest and your dh telling his sons that their mother is 'wrong and daddy is the best' makes me want to vomit.

If you don't get a grip on this then your oldest will he punching you in 5 years time.

You all need some family counselling.

What names does your H call your ds2?

Chandon Sat 09-Feb-13 11:33:46

I think, it may have been harsh to cancel the football.

It sounds to me the problem is that your H and you both impose sanctions ( or lift them) on your own, rather than as a team. IMO, for discipline to work, both parents need to read from the same hymn sheet.

You may be entrenched in a situation where you defend Ds2 and H defends Ds1, but it is not fair for the kids to be stuck in the middle!

Could you have a good, honest chat to your H about discipline and how to enforce it? how not to undermine eachother?

Otherwise weekends are no fun!

( I say this as a mum of two boys. DH and I agree on sanctions before imposing them, and back eachotehr up, even if I think DH may have been a bit harsh, or a bit soft. We present a united front, otherwise the kids play us out against eachother! Not being smug, btw, we have been there...)

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 11:37:01

Imo it sounds like you are in a cycle of you favouring ds2 and him doing the same of ds1.
You say ds2 is no angel, but your posts very much come across as thought ds2 is a victim and ds1 is always to blame.

Perhaps some family counselling?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 11:58:56

I all honestly I probarly favour him, not because I actually favour him, but because bloody so called adults have no time for him, call him a pain in the arse constantly, and then ds1 get took here their and everywhere and dh just allows it, or family will go to dc1 school concert and football activities, but none will help with ds2, so the onus is all left to me.

Dh won't disapline the kids, won't put them on time out, etc... Won't disapline them so again I'm left the bad one.

My children get praised every hour, we do very much advocate positive behaviour and they get praised for it hightly.

However at times praise isn't enought and disapline is needed. If dh won't disapline, then I have too.

Dh won't go to some wacky counselling.

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 12:17:34

but the more you favour one, dh will favour the other and vice versa.

this will be impacting ds1 as well. He will know you favour his younger sibling.

I can't tell you whether to leave dh or not. Bt its not a healthy environment. But I don't think its just him. I think you have found yourself it a bad situation.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 12:35:56

does your DH disagree with your discipline methods?? because that's what it sounds like.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 12:38:16

also - it maybe people find Dc2 really hard work - just maybe they think they are helping by taking dc1 for a while?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 12:46:21

The thing is I don't favour ds2 anymore than ds1, I really don't, I spend equal time with them, I then have individual time with them, the only time they honestly get wrong is when they have been fighting each other, I praise by saying well done for picking up your toys give ds1 incentives for doing chores, getting his spellings done, taking him to somewhere he wants to go to etc... But with ds2, he gets the same, and a little more if ds1 has been left out yet again.

Their grandad comes and takes ds1 the allotment and ds2! would love this, but again when I'm at work, dh allows them to take ds1 and I come into a he's been a pain in the arse etc...

Son when ds1 is at school il take ds2 to the beech, to the park etc... So in a way by doing this I am favouring ds2 in this way by doing more with him when ds is at school.

The only time I tell the boys off, is when they hit each other, as dh refuses too.

Ds has came in from football, and apologised saying he was wrong to hit his brother, we are now on his Xbox and all I can hear is dh shouting at ds2 as he's wanting to play on his "Xbox" (vsmile motion plus).

I cant win!!!

Oh and ds1 got man if the match so hence his Xbox time with me, in which he asked me to play with him.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 12:52:49

Ds1 been took out again.

No family just don't want to spend time with him, in all honestly it would be easier for them to take ds2 than ds1 as ds1 is very placid, while ds2 wants to dance, role play etc... It's just that they don't want to spend time with him.

MIL has already said shed take ds1 anytime, but ds2 she would not.

It doesn't help that I've only got dh side here also, my family all live in another country.

Dh just won't disapline, he's never said anything when I disapline ds2, but when I disapline ds1, its inevitably always ds2' fault.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 09-Feb-13 12:56:26

Sounds like your dh needs to learn to engage with ds2, as you see you've two very different boys. Different things make different people tick.
Like others have said its team work. What happens when you all have family time?
I'm either thinking you all need some fun family time or you need to swap, so you take ds1 to football and get ds2 into a class his dad does with him.
But your dh needs to be on board with this

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 13:02:14

The problem is that you said you di favour the younger because others don't. Ds1 will pick up on it. I can promise that.

As for other family members. My mum struggles with my ds (2) because he us so much mire energetic than dd. And honestly its doesn't bother me. Mum does have to have either of them having one of them is a favour. I understand her reluctance to have ds.

your problems sound like a family problem. Not just your dhs or yours or ds1. It needs to be tackled as a family.

constantnamechanger Sat 09-Feb-13 13:07:33

you are missing my point - they many take dc1 as its easier for you not to have 2 of them, especially if they fight all the time.

My nearly 5 year old is hard work so people take the younger one as she is easier - that means I get time to concentrate on the older one.

You can't blame people for wanting to take a placid 7 year old over a boisterous 3 year old.

plus a 7 year old can do more - a 3 year old would need constant supervision in an allotment which is fine when they are yours and its a fun family activity bit not so great of there are things you need to get done.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 13:22:05

How can I do more? He won't try counselling, he won't engage, we have this conversation every few months and nothing changes, ill say lets go to the park/softplay/bowling/swimming/cinema etc... he will say well I want to watch the football or it costs too much, the cinema costs £1 FFS!

I'm fed up of trying to engage with him, their is only so much cakes as messy play/board games you can do in the house a week.

Family time when out is ok, boys love it, yet still fight, meal times are becoming unbearable, ds1 refuses most things at the min, even things he ate last week. I make him try new foods but when at his nana house they just give him what he wants, so most meal times he will be pulling faces, saying this is disgusting, and dh will say well don't eat it... Even tho its food he likes and has asked for.

I don't blame the people for not wanting to take ds, I blame them when he's kicking and screaming because he wants tongi stay with them. And I'm left being the bad guy.

YNK Sat 09-Feb-13 13:28:28

If neither of you know in advance what sanctions are going to be applied, your children have no deterrent to help them self regulate their behaviour.
You both need to discuss your strategy away from the children and not shoot from the hip without agreement.
Oh and you do not need to treat your children equally - you have to meet their needs....eg if one is particularly hard on shoes you dont need to replace the others as often.

PrettyKitty1986 Sat 09-Feb-13 13:28:37

To be honest i think you've been pretty spiteful. Refusing to let your youngest go to football is blatant attempted point-scoring off your oh, with your youngest Dc being the only one who loses out.
No wonder he was upset, dad says ok I'll take him after mum asks him...kid gets all excited only to be stopped by mum!

Ok, it's been building up and going on for a while and the family dynamics are now screwed. DS1 is learning all kinds of shitty attitudes from his father and DS2's self esteem must be in tatters. You sound like your at the end of your tether.

Time for some ultimatums and some serious talking. If he won't go to counselling, and doesn't think there is a problem then where does he think you are heading as a family? How does he see things getting better? If his answer is that you or DS2 have to change then I would seriously think about whether there is any future here.

Sorry to be so blunt. I really hope you can find some way forward as a family.

KatieMiddleton Sat 09-Feb-13 13:57:06

sad That all sounds so sad and unhappy.

It looks like there's fault all round. You both need to provide a united front and you seem to be involved in some sort of power struggle.

I don't think I've ever suggested this on here but some sort of family/parental counselling or therapy might be really helpful. It looks like there's too much history and so many negative behaviours all round that it's way beyond the scope of a thread.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 14:06:35

Kitty I'm being spiteful, did you read my OP? Unasked dh to take him yesterday he said no, as he was a pain in the arse, it would be too cold, he couldn't concentrate on ds1 game.

He point blank refused to take him! Then when ds1 started fighting with his brother and then I decided that he should not be going to football because of months of constant bad behaviour, (hitting his brother) then his dad decides that yes he's going, but will ease his guilty conscious by taking ds2, in which I refused as ds wasn't ready and clearly his dad didn't want him there. Dh only reacted as he knew inwasnpissed off by HIS actions in yet again disaplining OUR children and blaming ds2.

I'm not having my children being made pawns against their family!!
There certinetly isn't point scoring by myself neither.

Dh won't engage or discussion sanctions, won't disapline them, wont attend counselling, thinks it will sort itself out.

So I've got to disapline, and make what I think are the appropriate sanctions. Which would be all fine and well, however dh, attuide to how ds1 is a completely different to ds2 attuide concerning disapline even tho he won't disapline.

I really am at the end of my tether.

I just don't see how or why it is all on my shoulders.

Ds has asked his dad if he can have a new skylanders character, dh told him to ask me. I'm just fed up with having the responsibility of it all, which ds1 thinks his dad is fab, as he's getting his way with him all the time, and me being the bad mummy.

TheMagicMumber Sat 09-Feb-13 14:13:12

Your husband sounds like a cunt.

Tasmania Sat 09-Feb-13 14:15:33

There seems to be a fault everywhere here - your DH, you and ultimately, the kids. The whole family should go into counselling, IMHO.

It does ring alarm bells to me that other people prefer to spend time with ds1. As a parent, you will always protect your kids - to the point of seeing them through rose-tinted glasses. You may be fine with entertaining ds2 with his dancing and role-playing, but what will you do if he goes to school, and he can't have so much one-on-one attention anymore and plays up?!?

I'm sorry to tell you, but if ds2 causes that sort of reaction from family members, I wonder how others will react to him? Because - inevitably - his future will be one where you will spend less and less time with him. That would worry me as a parent.

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 14:17:11

op I honestly think you are failing to see that its got past 'who started it' your posts come across as thought you are all in a cycle of hurting each other. Whose fault it is will not stop it.

If your dh doesn't want to fix it. You need to decide if you can remain married. Calmly. Nit as a result of an argument or while you are still pissed off over an argument.

Whether you stay together or not. Start with the kids. Maybe counselling for you 3. Both children sound like they are suffering.

I am still confused about why you balms relatives at all. If ds2 gets upset you need to explain that when he is older hr will be able to go. If you can't do that, stop ds1 going. I don't recommend that, but you can't keep blaming everyone else be use you child is difficult.

From the outside, it seems you and dh are butting heads and have picked your corners to fight.

TheMagicMumber Sat 09-Feb-13 14:20:56

Sorry for my last post, I was pretty cross, remembering your poor son's history. (Had to go and double check I had the right poster. I did).

In all honesty, I don't think I could possibly have forgiven him for the accident. I don't know how you have, but do you think that perhaps he hasn't? The resentment towards the son that he accidentally hurt and nearly killed strikes me as an inability to process what happened, and to forgive himself for his role in it. If there's any truth in this, he really needs to get help, or you really need to take your lovely little boy away from him before he hurts him any more, this time emotionally. That can be just as profound.

sad

Hope you're taking care. I've thought about you often since reading what happened. xx

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:23:25

I think you need family therapy. I don't think it is possible, or desirable to try and analyse the rights and wrongs of this on this website (and I don't think I have ever said that on here before).

The real issue is persuading your DH of that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:25:04

I see KateMiddleton said it first

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Feb-13 14:31:26

I also agree with The Skiing Gardener, about the implications of your DH will not agree to address this

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 09-Feb-13 14:33:35

If your DH doesn't see that he needs counselling, then you have to think seriously about your marriage.

You cannot leave your children in this environment, because they are going to end up damaged, hating each other and both their parents.

What a horribly sad situation sad

amicissimma Sat 09-Feb-13 15:01:31

This all sounds terribly painful for all concerned.

I have a large gap between my DCs so was fortunate to have a DC1 who was old enough to articulate her feelings, but too young to modify them to spare my feelings, when DC2 was born. He was an easy baby, with no special needs, yet she was devastated when he arrived and she lost her life-long position at the centre of Mummy and Daddys' s world.

I don't know the story, but you DS1 had a similar blow,then it appears that some trauma meant that the spotlight and attention was totally removed from him and focussed on DS2. No fault, but the poor boy must have been shattered. Now it sounds like he spends much of his time despararely trying to get back your attention (100% would be ideal from his POV, like before). Bad behaviour is generally a reliable way to get attention.

It sounds as if your main concern, understandably, is to maintain discipline. Your DS1 is fortunate in that his Daddy seems to understand at some level that DS1 needs someone to fight his corner. It also sounds, sadly, as if there is a certain amount of guilt and self-defensiveness involved, too.

I would think you really need to work through this in the presence of someone impartial (a counsellor). Perhaps you could go youself to try to get your head clearer, and hope that your DH will feel able to join you, perhaps when he sees you feeling stronger.

I would also say that you need to treat your DSs differently from each other. 3.5 years is quite a difference, and I can't see why you would take a 3.5 year-old to the football with a 7 year-old, nor why a 3.5 y.o would be going on the Xbox. Maybe DS1 would respond well to a great deal of being the Big Boy - so helpful, so sensible, so placid, etc.

I'm sorry; life sounds hard, but your DH sounds lost and clinging anxiously to what he can of the status quo, to me, rather than bad.

sudaname Sat 09-Feb-13 15:32:47

We have a similiar situation in our family. Two (half)siblings four year age gap - oldest on her own is lovely , put them together,absolute nightmare and the youngest is always running to his mum and dad (he lives fulltime with both parents - oldest part time between two) and always the oldest gets the blame- so opposite to OP really. But l think it's a lot to do with eldest being a stepchild to one of them who always favours her own child and her DH is under the thumb tbh and darent go against her and stand up for both his children equally. It is heartbreaking to see as there are times when you see definitely the youngest is the wrong do-er but has picked up that (esp) mummy and daddy will stick up for him, so runs crying to them and eldest gets told off/sanctions whatever when totally innocent.
She even got told by her dad not to tell tales on his DW (her SM)' hmm when her little brother told us a story bragging of how she'd been shouted at and sent to bed by her SM and explained what he had done and how his mum thought it was her. He thought it was funny, so my DH told him he should have 'fessed up' really and told his mum it was him.
As soon as their dad walked in to collect them both she burst into tears because she knew her grandad was going to say something to him. She was so worried that her dad would think she had been 'telling tales' on her SM again. Sure enough as soon as my DH opened his mouth their dad started to reprimand her and DH told him - no, the youngest told us.
We've told her to sing like a canary to us any time she is upset by anything as we both feel it is wrong to tell a child not to tell tales on an adult if they feel genuinely aggrieved for obvious reasons.
I dont know what you can do really, in our case it is partly a blended family issue and we are at a loss as you cant make someone feel a certain way or the same about both DCs or their spouse see how unfairly they are behaving through the love goggles But in your case your DH should ideally love both sons equally but at very least treat them fairly. It is hard to persuade someone to go to family counselling if they are of the 'it's all a load of bollocks' brigade. But l think you need to force the issue really, even though l'm not a fan of ultimatums.
It is horrible to see one child being favoured over the other but l wouldnt take the not wanting to take both children too personally. No-one in our family seems to want both together as others have said much more easy with one older child than two with big age gap and where youngest is still at that 'bit of a handful/eyes in the back of your head required' age. I think time to say something is when your youngest gets to same age as your eldest now and Grandad still wont take him to allotment for example - then it's time to say something.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 15:40:56

I think that your husband was right to not stop the football at the lastt minute because of letting the team down.

I think that you were wrong not to take your other son to watch.

Why don´t the three of you sometimes go to support your eldest-or sometimes your husband takes him, sometimes you do?

How about you & your eldest spend some time together & your husband & youngest?

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 15:54:32

Ds2 is at nursery, he is extreamly timid, quiet and withdrawn in social circumstances, he is getting one to one help, to try and bring him out his shell. He is extreamly shy with new people, and loves beig with family who he trusts. I suspect this comes from many medical professionals coming to "hurt" him.

Magic number, your pat has somewhat rilled me, I was their at the accident i seen first hand, at how devastating the accuser was too him, he was in no way to blame, or at fault that day, it was a abhorrent freak accident and woe betide anyone who tried as says something otherwise.

I think its a sad reality in this days world that their always needs to be a blame culture, accidents happen and that its simply just a accident.

Dh although is devestated by ds accident but he also knows that it was just a accident and that he wasn't to blame for it.

When I tried to speak to him, left to go to a mates house, I've text him saying I think I need a break, from him as he clearly has checked out of our family. I've had no reply from that, DC are both happy and building Lego.

I also don't believe I've been of the opinion of "who started it" I've tried and tried for him to communicate with us, help us parent, and its all failed. If he won't talk to me about it, I can't change things.

TheMagicMumber Sat 09-Feb-13 15:56:59

Oh crikey I'm so sorry, I may have the wrong poster in that case. REALLY< REALLY sorry if so. blush Sorry. sad

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 16:00:16

Sometimes we do diddly if I'm not at work we all go, but I'm currently under the duty care team at home (sonindidnt be admitted (so i didnt be admitted into hospital) for double pneumonia.

TheMagicMumber Sat 09-Feb-13 16:00:18

I just did another search. It was a completely different poster (DD burned). I'm so, so so sorry OP.

Tasmania Sat 09-Feb-13 17:58:31

sudaname - that's horrible! Given this seems to happen in your family, why didn't you ask the parents directly about their behavior? I would have told the father that it was his freakin' spoilt son (word for word) who told me that and not his daughter. Granddad should have had a go at his (supposedly?) son, and tell him to apologize to the girl.

Sounds like that dad needs some hard parenting himself...

sudaname Sat 09-Feb-13 19:39:31

Yeah Tasmania it is his son and many words have been had, but he loves the woman and it is just like he cant see it - love goggles as l say.

Him and his dad/my DH had a huge fall out a few years ago when she walloped DSGD in front of me and my DD ( so her DHs stepmother and stepsister - god my family is so complicated) because she allegedly did something to her brother.

The girls mum (my stepsons ex ) and her mother went ballistic and barred any contact supervised or otherwise with her stepmother. The girls dad had words he said with his then fiancee and wouldnt say what was said but it was all apparently 'sorted'. He wouldnt have his DD on his own though as was supporting his then fiancee/now DW so he didnt see her for months.

Eventually girls mum caved in, on the basis that --if she ever hit her DD again she would flatten her/involve the police / social services. I think she also thought that as she had now been caught and exposed and allegedly set right by her DF/nowDH she most likely wouldnt do it again.

During this stalemate my DH had DGD at our house one day as they absolutely adore each other so he didnt see why not (my DH has a great relationship with her mother). But his DS rang up and heard her and was very angry she was here when he couldnt see her (well he could, but wouldnt agree to terms). He accused his dad of taking sides and they didnt speak for months - DH was heartbroken.

But from above post although everyone has made up on the surface it is obvious underneath nothing has changed - though she's never hit her again but in her ideal world it would still be just the three of them. Example you go to their house and there are huge pics eveywhere of the three of them or just her son etc - if you went in there you wouldnt know his other child existed. her excuse was she had lost her front teeth and her DH fell for this and when DH questioned him about this he just spouted the party line (i.e. 'oh we are waiting till she gets her front teeth then we'll have some nice pics taken. Well she's had them for over a year now, still more and more pics of her little bro appear, none of her. plus all her baby/toddler pics have gradually all disappeared. I took a gorgeous pic of her and had it enlarged and framed just to piss her off for them - looked really professional and it was stunning - never seen it on display.
The only good thing is little girl is getting quite grown up now although still a child so more able to stick up for herself and 'tell tales' if necessary, which is why we were horrified at this 'What have you been told' routine and put her straight and her dad.

Very sad

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 19:54:28

He's gone.

I tired to speak to him, ended up shouting tbh, as I was getting one word answers, him not talking, me trying to get him to speak, him saying its me, that I'm constantly shotuting, not playing with boys enough, but still only getting one word answers, not engaging with me, just leaving it up to me too initiate conversation, but then receiving no feedback.

So I asked him to leave, he said he isn't leaving us like this, likewhat? not speaking etc... I told him I was bathing the boys and I wanted him to leave. So he did.

Now he's gone I'm absolutely heartbroken, trying to keep it together until boys are in bed, currently having their supper.

And this souds silly, I'm confused as to why he's left, why isn't he fighting for us??!!!!

baskingseals Sat 09-Feb-13 20:10:59

altinkum, i am so sorry. this could be a storm in a teacup. let him calm down, get the boys into bed, sit down yourself and think about your next move.

deep breaths. you can sort this.

thinking of you.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 20:21:36

OP, you´ve asked him to leave & he has done!

Sounds as if you both need some time to calm down tbh.

It also sounds as if you are testing him in some way.

You asked him to leave and he has. It sounds like some space and time to think is what you both need right now. This is a toxic situation for your family and can't continue.

sudaname Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:59

I am sorry. Hopefully it is just a pride thing and he's calling your bluff. Try not to ring him or anything at least he knows how serious it is/ you are about resolving this.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 20:52:06

I'm not ringing him, we need space.

Both DC are fine, both watching a DVD.

I may have asked him to leave, apple, I asked him to leave as a last resort, it doesn't mean I can't be shocked that he has actually left, rather than fight for us, speak to me, do something, anything.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 21:02:37

Why wouldn´t he leave if you´ve been arguing most of the day & you asked him to?

Doesn´t mean that he intends to stay away forever, does it?

Should he have told you to leave instead??

baskingseals Sat 09-Feb-13 21:11:15

he's probably as confused and upset about things as you are, op, and doesn't know what to do for the best.

perhaps this could be a watershed moment for your family.

He is probably as shocked as you are that you actually told him to leave. Hopefully it's the kick up the arse he needs and he's sitting somewhere thinking about what he can do to help turn this around.

I appreciate it must have been a shock to you that he just walked out without saying anything but this could be for the best.

HestonsFatCock Sat 09-Feb-13 21:39:25

Change the locks now he has gone, you are well shot of him. He isn't doing your children any good; favoritism hurts both children in the end, not just the "neglected" one. What is he bringing to the family emotionally? do you all have a laugh and a good time together? Is it a happy atmosphere most of the time? Because it needs to be.

If he is the person who poured petrol on a bonfire around his family, it might have been an accident, but he was very careless with something so precious as his family. That he hurt DS2 and now overlooks him, says to me he is blaming the victim of his own mistakes. DS2 will always be his whipping boy.
Sorry, to be so blunt, but you sound like one unhappy family and I have to ask: what is the point in continuing in this set up?

HestonsFatCock Sat 09-Feb-13 21:47:01

Altinkum, I just wanted to say, I said what I did not to put the boot in and I am sorry if it hurts. I am concerned for you and you family and I really hope things get better for you. My 4 year old DS 2 is a pain in the arse, but we don't say it in front of him, and love hime just as much as DS1, who is a PITA is his own way.

Good luck with it all.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:05:15

OP, I'm seriously not trying to cause a storm here, but i do have questions:

How much quality time did ds1 receive during the time ds2 was injured and needing treatment? If there was a significant deterioration in behaviour around this time then there's a good chance that resentment has played a part.

Have any in-house restrictions been placed on ds1 because of ds2's allergies? Again, this can be a source of resentment.

Have you tried to get ds1 to explain why he acts the way he does?

I hope you and your OH manage to work through this; is refusal to take ds 2 'because he couldn't look after him and support ds1' maks me wonder if he doesn't trust himself?

Sounds like a crisis point. I'm sorry you are going through this. Having said that, the only way things are going to change is to hit a wall where the current situation just can't carry on. Stay firm, stay strong in defending your family and its happiness. If only he would agree to talk, I genuinely believe you need the space a therapist could help you create to communicate with each other.

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 22:33:34

I would also say that family therapy might well be beneficial to you all and I don't see how you're going to make the family dynamics more healthy without it.

Dh won't go to some wacky counselling

Were those his words or are they yours?

pooka Sat 09-Feb-13 22:34:35

He's only THREE! My DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 3. I would be terribly upset if DH were showing signs of preferring one over the other. And I would also be upset if DS1 were unkind to DS2, and didn't at least try and tolerate his three-ness, just as I endeavour to ensure that DS2 isn't irritating DS1.

Your DH's attitude is harmful. He is undermining you and showing favouritism.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:36:32

Ds1 got loads of support, dh took him to a already planned 2 week holiday abroad, in which they spent one to one quality time, while I stayed in the ITC ward with ds2. We also got him immediate counselling and made sure he could come to us anytime , in which he did. His play therapist signed him off 5 months later as ds1 wasn't affected by the accident, other than to witness it, dh1 was never left alone, he always had one of us at home with him, and on a Saturday, GP would go in to the hospital and me and dh would spend quality time with ds1.

Ds1 routine hardly changed tbh, Ashe was at school during the day and on the night time he had one if us at home. At the time I worked evening/nights so he probarly got to spend more time with both of us.

Ds2 allergies don't interfere at all with ds1, at all. And even if they did dc1 wouldn't eat his food anyway.

I'm not testing dh at all, I need/want to know on how/where we go from here, how we resolve this, I need him to communicate with me, if he does none of this we can't move forward, in dont see this as testing him, I see this as getting things in motion to move our marriage out if the black hole its in.

He hasn't texted me, I thought he would have done, and now I'm sat thinking he's done something silly.

My boys are my priority, hence all if this.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:41:03

I asked ds why he hits his brother, he just shrugged his shoulders.

I've explained that their behaviour towards each other can't continue, and that a 3 strike punishment will be given.

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 22:43:39

If your elder son is violent towards his brother and can't say why he doesn't sound "placid" to me.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:44:09

It's almost sounding as if a 'ds1 = daddies boy, ds2 = mummies boy' line had been drawn in his mind...or he's worked out that he can get at you by targeting ds2.

I think there needs to be a LOT more communicating - between you and DS and just as importantly for everyone's sake, between you and your DH (once you've both had some time out space).

Maybe contact relate or something? Even if your DH isn't interested you may still find it useful.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:47:10

X-post, I wouldn't be accepting a shrug as an answer...I would be working to find out what the shrug meant (I don't know, I don't want to talk about it, I don't care, I don't like him) and them exploring it further.

quoteunquote Sat 09-Feb-13 22:58:44

To be honest OP, unless you completely change what you are doing you are totally stuffed.

In a very short space of time that seven year old is going to be bigger than you, and you will be on the receiving end of his frustration, followed by his brother.

your children need to be kind to each other, you need to parent as a team, because you will end up with boys doing things that mean you are not able to help them,

work out a plan, sit down with your husband ask if he wants to join you, ask if he has worked out a plan, if not get on with it on your own, and don't let him distract you, time is ticking, you have a relatively short time to solve this.

sorry to be harsh, but it will be far harsher if you don't address it.

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 23:03:47

I agree with quoteunquote

You don't seem to have any clear strategy here. You're understandably distressed but though you say your husband won't engage, won't go to counselling etc, you don't sound sound keen to face up to the fact that you might need professional help either. At the very least you do need a united front on working on your marriage and with your children and the damaging situation could well benefit from professional, trained involvement.

So sorry you're going through this alt x

IdreamofFairies Sat 09-Feb-13 23:16:05

i agree this cant continue as both boys are being damaged emotionally.

any negative comment about a child is extremely damaging and should never ever be said in the child's hearing i cannot stress this enough.

you mentioned positive parenting can you elaborate as the only thing you mentioned was you praise them every hour which is no where near enough. the balance of attention suggest at the very least a child should be praised 5 times as much as any negative comment they recieve.

you also mention operating a three strike method does this include hitting out at each other as i would in these circumstances suggest a one strike policy.

if your oh comes back one of the things you could suggest to him is offering a reward system for good behavior as discipline is a negative rather than a positive. this is something you should do anyway.

star charts can work really well google them for some fab ideas.

you offer a reward for behavior you want such as getting through a dinner in peace then reward it with something as simple as picking a pudding, a special story, one to one time on a game, extra time on a game the list is endless. this will mean that the children will learn very quickly that life is better if you follow the rules such as not hitting each other, pushing shouting etc.

if you stick to it and improve the numbers of times you praise it will dramatically improve both boys behavior. not over night of course but it will happen.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:18

You need to sort this out one way or the other, the damage you are both doing to your boys will be profound, their self esteem will be smashed sad

You asked him to leave, he has left, he is just playing the childish, "i;ll show her" game that you were playing when you asked him to leave - you didn't think he would, he has. I recognise alot of my own behaviours in this post which is why i am being a bit harsh on you because seeing how damaging it is to have warring parents is on your DC really makes me think twice about doing it myself.

It might be for the best that he has gone - your DH sounds vile, how can he speak so disparagingly about his son?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Feb-13 09:03:08

The OP knows she needs to work as a team with her DH. He isn't willing to at the moment

What strikes me is that right when this happened, you were divided as a family. DS1 might have regarded goingnaway with his dad as a treat. OTOH he must have been very very confused that his brother was seriously ill and he is not with him, or his mother. He may have felt punished.

OP i am so sorry you are bearing the brunt of this. I reiterate the family therapy idea. If you are to split up with your DH, this would still be necessary.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now