AIBU To say no to this request to bring a stranger to my DN's party tomorrow?

(125 Posts)
WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 00:04:52

It is DN's birthday tomorrow, I have organised her party.
It's going to be quite big, 25 kids have RSVPed, plus there will be family.

SIL (my other brothers wife, not DN's parents) has just texted me with "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she is staying with us this weekend so I said she could come to the party"

I have never met or heard of this person before, but I feel as if it would be UR to say no.
The thing is I was with SIL last night and she never mentioned this friend visiting.

So WIBU to say actually SIL no it isn't ok to bring some random stranger to our neices birthday party.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 09-Feb-13 00:08:03

Um, yes, a bit. Sorry. Another adult who is good with kids can only be a good thing with 25 child guests.

But it would have been better if she's asked if you'd mind, rather than assuming, so I can see why you're annoyed.

HollyBerryBush Sat 09-Feb-13 00:08:09

Let me think about this.

What harm will it do if your SIL brings her house guest? how will it upset the equilibrium of the party? at best, she is a balloon bender extraordinaire, at worst she sits quietly in a corner.

Startail Sat 09-Feb-13 00:10:20

She isn't a random stranger, she's a friend of a member of your family.

If she's visiting SIL can't simply leave her on her own.

I doubt she has two heads, you never know she might be good with the kids, friendly and you might like her.

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:10:48

Oooooo! please have my very first biscuit

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Feb-13 00:11:28

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LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 09-Feb-13 00:11:54

Does it matter? Be nice!

anonymosity Sat 09-Feb-13 00:12:09

I think its very cheeky of them to bring someone to your party who is in fact, a total stranger to YOU. But saying "no" might make things awkward for you after....

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:14:38

Flip! Sorry OP I thought you meant the people asking were the DN's parents!

Crap, I withdraw my biscuit and issue you with my first apology grin

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:15:16

Sounds like a totally normal request.

She didn't just turn up with the person, she's stopping at your SILs house so not a total random, it's polite for your SIL to ask for her to come along too.

Would the parents of your niece be OK with you telling people they can't come?

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:17:23

grin That would be bizarre lindsay.

'No, your friend can't come to your own DDs birthday party'


lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:18:19

Say yes and rope them into cleaning up afterwards. If they are good with kids then they are good with mess and the art of making it go away.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 00:21:01

We are having the party at a staffed venue, with 4 members of staf 'assisting' with the party, plus there will be all of my family (9 adults) helping so I don't think we would really need an extra pair of hands.
We have asked that parents dont stay (unless they really want to) as their isn't really anywhere for the parents to just sit and watch.

I think it's the fact that I have no idea who this woman is, and that SIL chose to ask at midnight the night before the party to ask that makes me want to say no.

Nobody else has ever met/heard of this woman either, it's not just me.

I don't know if the woman is staying with SIL, I find it hard to believe that she would be, as SIL and DB are going to be visiting a sick relative straight after the party and it's a good 4 hour drive there and back so the wont be back until late, and they are coming to our house for lunch on Sunday and the friend has not been mentioned in regards to those. I think she is just visiting for the day.

justmyview Sat 09-Feb-13 00:22:18

I think it's a bit cheeky of SIL, but would be awkward for you to say No. Hope she is helpful.

Viviennemary Sat 09-Feb-13 00:24:04

If this person is staying with your sil I think it would be reasonable to let her come to the party. After all it's not just a small family affair or for close friends ars your expecting 25 kids. Just let her come. Can't see the harm in this.

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:24:42

I know zigzag blush ! (got carried away)

eternal you are lovely for doing this for your DN, it's up to you but it sounds like she wants to come to the party so why not let her? smile

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 00:26:00

DBRO is a single father and I help out with DN a lot (she stays with us 2-3 days a week)
DB has left all of the party planning up to me as last year was an utter fiasco when he planned it so DB is happy for me to make these kind of decisions yes.

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Feb-13 00:26:57

She'll be a Cruella type

Wanting to make herself a coat and handbag from the skin of young children

You mark my words OP

You're right to view her with such huge suspicion....

Sashapineapple Sat 09-Feb-13 00:30:04

YABU Yoiur SIL knows her. It will be fine and an extra pair of hands will always come in handy. Chill out.

Sashapineapple Sat 09-Feb-13 00:30:20


lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:32:17


Why are you so suspicious of this woman???

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 09-Feb-13 00:33:26


What's the problem?! I wouldn't think twice, of course it's ok. The things some people get narked about are completely beyond me!

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:33:29

Do you think it's a "set up" for you single DBro?

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:34:21

Your ... sorry

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 09-Feb-13 00:36:04

shock love the way your thinking lindsay

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 09-Feb-13 00:36:15


lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:36:40

Is she single?

We already know she's good with kids...

Plus she wants to be there...

kim147 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:38:28

Love in the soft play area smile

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 00:39:04

Definitely not a set up, DBRO isnt single.

I'm not suspicious of this woman at all, I'm sure she is lovely. I just think it is a little strange and rude of SIL to invite a stranger to DN's birthday party.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Feb-13 00:39:57

What exactly is the problem here?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Feb-13 00:40:20


OutragedFromLeeds Sat 09-Feb-13 00:40:43

Oh I'm so disappointed!

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:40:53

If there are 9 family and 4 staff you're not even going to notice her.

Plus she's hardly going to get up to anything unsavoury with 13 adults around.

Greensleeves Sat 09-Feb-13 00:42:29

I agree with Startail

<don't get used to it Startail grin>

lindsay321 Sat 09-Feb-13 00:46:19

Oh Well...




Are you sure ?

Ok then,

She's probably just a normal person visiting your SIL and it happens to coincide with DN's birthday. Please don't stress and enjoy the party!

SomethingProfound Sat 09-Feb-13 00:54:05

YANBU to be annoyed, your SIL asking you at such short notice is cheeky and puts you in an awkward position. Is it possible she got her dates muddled up and double booked and is now stuck?

However YABU to say no on the basis you don't know her. Your SIL and other DB know her and clearly think she is trustworthy enough to attend.

Do you trust their judgement? If yes then let her come.

There is also the possibility that excluding their friend will mean they are unable to attend themselves. So really it boils down to what is more important to you, them being there or her not?

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 00:54:05

Cautionary tale dear OP:

Used to have annual firework party, big do, lots of people, but - pretty crucially all knew each other and the firework party drill (which bloke brings the biggest rocket competitiongrin; lots alcohol; even more food; mega firework music synched to fireworks) - in short, it was a blast (sorry, couldn't help myself there....)

One year, just through naive stupid sense of kindness/obligation friendly gesture to ex-work colleague who had moved nearby, we invited him, his DW (who we had met couple of times), and their triplets. Knew they were very boring wallflowers wouldn't be life and soul of party, but never stopped to consider how simply that could/might affect dynamic of events. Sure it might just about have been fine had bloke in question not called couple of hours before event to say his DW's DS was staying (err, that suddenlyconfused?) so could they please bring her too? Caught on spot, didn't want say yes as would mean someone literally didn't know from Adam would be there for this annual giggle of a ritual where all knew all, but felt obliged to say yes.

Never, ever, EVER have I regretted being so very British in the manners department. The unknown DS had aura of morbid depression around her; her, the bloke we'd invited and his DS AND the triplets spent whole evening on a bench against back wall just necking food with a glory that was matched only by their collective misery and all round oddness. Was like having a grey elephant in room garden whilst all else partied around them, but nada doubt their presence dampened proceedings.

So nope, if rest of guests are family/close friends and DN's chosen mates, I don't think you ABU. And I think it's a tad odd/weird cheeky to have asked so late too. Any of that help OPgrin?

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree Sat 09-Feb-13 00:54:20

I cannot stand the presumption in her wording - that alone would get my back up. BUT, I don't see the problem in her bringing a friend who will be staying with her all weekend. I'd see it as the more the merrier!

Startail Sat 09-Feb-13 00:59:57

Don't worry I won't greensleeves I'm an out spoken opinionated sod.

Greensleeves Sat 09-Feb-13 01:02:07

me too grin

Startail Sat 09-Feb-13 01:03:23

Oh and come to think of it I only met DH because someone invited a friend non of us knew to tag along at something.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 01:04:09

It might just be me Stoic, but I can't help but read your post wondering if the colleague was mortified at realising he'd gatecrashed his whole family onto people who may not have been very welcoming who knew each other intimately.

I mean, c'mon, your post's not exactly charitable grin 'The unknown DS had aura of morbid depression around her' grin I'd rather have that than a covert dregs emptier getting more pissed by the second.

aftermay Sat 09-Feb-13 01:06:46

I don't know why you've taken so against the idea. I think if it was a boyfriend, an old aunt visiting you'd have been more welcoming. But then, it's your party...

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 01:09:07

Sorry Lindsey

I know you are right, and she will be a nice normal person.

But I just can't help thinking that it is weird and cheeky (thanks for the word Stolc) that SIL would want to bring a stranger to DN's party. I mean she cant be a particularly close friend as I have never heard of her, I doubt she is from too far away (far enough to need to be staying with them) as DB has said SIL works with her, and she only works part time in a local pharmacy.

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 09-Feb-13 01:10:17

Perhaps they were scared of the drunken fireworks? I'd be up against the back wall fearing serious burns

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 01:14:01

Yes aftermay but if it was a boyfriend or an old aunt we would know them, unless it was a very new boyfriend, but since we speak often and spend a lot of time together it would have to be a very new relationship, and then I don't know why you would want to bring them to a children's party.

piprabbit Sat 09-Feb-13 01:14:16

I'm very jealous that you've found a party venue that allocates 4 staff members to a group of only 25 children. I'm used to going to parties where there is a lone, bored teenager trying to run the whole thing. Can you give me a clue as to the sort of party so I can look out for similar ones in my area.

WhichIsBest Sat 09-Feb-13 01:16:47

Hmm. I had to ask to bring a friend to a party last minute when she left her husband and came to mine to stay the night before.
I didn't explain it all to the host because it wasn't my business to explain. I didn't want to leave her alone all afternoon as she was miserable and I didn't want DD to miss the party.
I knew it was a bit weird, probably, but I didn't think it would cause any real upset. She didn't take a party bag or anything, just sat at the edge with me!

Oh dear. Whoops.

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 01:16:49

Nope Agent, all def welcoming - in fact introduced them to each and every one else there, all of whom tried valiantly to engage them. And all of whom failed as much as we did. Didnt' help that they wouldn't let their (8 year old) triplets have sparklershmm; that the DW' DS said it was all very loud (it was a FIREWORK party missus!) and complained it was cold (in November eh? What a turn-up huh?) Frankly the 'covert dregs emptier'grin would have been an improvement! (Oh, and when they arrived and were offered customary mulled wine - and all other species of drinks availableblush - said no ta as we're not drinking in November because next month's Decemberconfused. I genuinely think they came as wanted avoid feeding six so stuffed themselves here instead!

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 01:17:27

It's good to be aware of the adults around the children you love, OP, but because this person would have no direct access to your niece, and because there will be so many people around her at her party (including her dad), I can't see it as any risk to anyone.

You don't know the staff who are going to be there, presumably? Unless you're thinking anyone who has contact with your DN has to be CRB checked, which would be impossible/impractical.

It's not your party, it's for your niece. If she's there on the sidelines, won't you be too wrapped up in the party to even notice her?

Your SIL isn't rude to think along the same lines, people tag along to all sorts of organised events, weddings included, it's usually not seen as a big thing (from where I am).

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 01:21:17

' I genuinely think they came as wanted avoid feeding six so stuffed themselves here instead!'

Hahahaha grin fair enough.

Memorable people though, regardless (I've got an image in my head of a family like Spitting Images black and white John Major grin)

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 01:25:14

'image in my head of a family like Spitting Images black and white John Major'

<applauds Agent for uncanny spottedonness (new TM'd wordgrin)>

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 01:35:49

You set up the scene very well Stoic grin

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 02:12:37

The party is at a local children's centre. They have different 'zones' such as soft play, a kids town (with shops, cafes, garages, which are all imagine play and interactive) sports areas, and interactive educational areas.
It is very good there.

I have no worry about child safety or strangers being near DN or DS.
I simply think it is rude of SIL to invite someone who I have never even heard of to DN's party.
If it had been a friend of hers who I have previously met then it would be different.
It's also the fact that she asked at midnight the night before the party.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 02:21:37

Sorry I just re read my OP and realised that I copied the text message wrong.

It did not say "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she is staying with us this weekend so I said she could come to the party"

It actually said "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she wanted to visit me so I said she could come to the party"

Damn DP paraphrasing.

vivizone Sat 09-Feb-13 02:58:37

What a non issue.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 03:05:07

I really want to say 'Same as your post' vivi, but I know that'd be shitty grin

Is it just as bad posting that I really want to say it but won't? grin

Astelia Sat 09-Feb-13 03:07:49

It is all a bit odd that she would want to go to a children's party. I wouldn't go if you paid me.

That is what would bother me- the strangeness of the request. Why doesn't she see SIL at another weekend. They work together for goodness sake so must see plenty of each other.

I would invite then spend the party watching her out of the corner of my eye- wondering at her motivations. Not conducive to a stress-free time and an extra hassle you don't need.

How about you say no, sorry, everything is sorted and there isn't room at the venue for any more adults.

Iteotwawki Sat 09-Feb-13 04:04:36

Am I the only one that thinks the SiL is being extremely rude? Because to have a random stranger invite themself to a party you're organising in behalf of someone else is beyond cheeky! I'd say "No, it's not alright - even parents of the invited children are being asked not to stay with their kids due to space issues, maybe your friend could visit you some other time. Completely understand if this means you can't make your niece's party, sure you can catch up with her & DBro another time!"

I just find it totally odd. I wouldn't want her there unless she had a direct connection to the birthday girl - and if she did, I'd probably have already invited her anyway.

OP - I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest.

FellatioNels0n Sat 09-Feb-13 04:14:35

It's an adult, and she is staying with your SIL. The dates have clashed. Either allow her to bring her friend or accept that she may not attend the party at all. It's not like there are hordes of gatecrashing children all expecting a bit of birthday cake and a party bag is it? confused

FellatioNels0n Sat 09-Feb-13 04:27:26

OK, read the thread now. I tell what I am finding a bit odd. The fact that as a single father with a new partner the OP's DBro needs her to 'help out quite a lot' by having his child 2-3 nights a week. shock Poor men. They are not cut out to do normal child-rearing like us women are they? they need so much support otherwise how would they ever get to work? hmm

I am trying to imagine a situation where a single working mum with a busy life has her sister or brother to step in and have her child three nights a week and arrange their birthday party for them. confused

Not having a go at you OP - it's nice that you do it, but unless your DB works a very complicated shift pattern I can't see how he justifies this.

Blimey, what a non issue, you seem to be making a very large something out of a very small nothing really.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 09-Feb-13 06:19:49

It's not "your" party though. Do you think DN would mind? I don't think it's something I would get upset about, and I don't like my SIL either wink

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 06:37:12

If you want to, just say not really space, I've had to tell parents not to come.

But I probably wouldn't bother.

mrsbunnylove Sat 09-Feb-13 06:44:54

say no. why would you want a stranger present? if you are uncomfortable with the idea, just say no. you have 25 children to watch - you don't want to be watching a stranger adult as well.

TroublesomeEx Sat 09-Feb-13 07:22:50

Actually, I had a very similar request in similar circumstances and I just said "yes".

It wouldn't have occurred to me to think anything of it until this thread.

Presumably she isn't expecting to be fed or pandered to. All she's going to be doing is occupying the same room at the same time.

I think some people are reading quite a lot into this. I doubt they've put as much thought into this as people on here are doing. It's more likely to be "oh I forgot, I've got a kids birthday party to go to on Xday." "Ok no problem" "Actually, you could come if you want, would save you staying at mine on your own" "Yeah ok. God it's years since I've been to a kids party!" And that's it.

And I have reason to be suspicious of other adults brought into the family fold by other family members.

TroublesomeEx Sat 09-Feb-13 07:28:57

I've just read the whole thread to.

I also think that your brother needs to start looking after his own child himself! What's all this palming her and organising her birthday party off onto you?

Dads really are capable of doing all sorts of things you know.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 07:44:33


Not that it has anything to do with this thread in the slightest but I will answer your post.

DBRO works away 'in the city' two or three days a week, he used to take DN and is DP with him, but now DN is at school it has been seriously damaging to her education (she went to one school half of the week and another on the other days).
DB's wife does nothing for DN, which is a massive problem in its self. She wouldn't even drop her off or collect her from school or make her meals she barely even acknowledged the poor girls existance.
I, and our other sibblings, believed this was really affecting DN, so a few months ago suggested the current arrangement, and it has made a huge difference to her personality and her education.

DBRO has raised DN alone from the day she was born, and he has done a fantastic job.
His job (he was prompted last year) is the only thing that makes his role as a parent harder. But he has no choice, if he doesn't travel he doesn't have a job.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 07:45:34

And I organised the party because I am good at party planning. That is all.

TroublesomeEx Sat 09-Feb-13 07:50:02

Blimey, I think the girl's 'stepmother' needs to fulfil the role she took on when she married your brother then!

What a horrible woman. sad

In that case, I think it's brilliant that you all support him/them so much.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 07:55:08

Well if the SM really is that 'horrile' then the DBro is a doubly horrible for staying with her. We don't live in fairy tale land, the father has free will, he is responsile for the child. Pisses me off how everyone says 'poor brother' and jumps straight on the SM.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 07:58:14

And I am a bit sad at 'SM needs to fulfill the role she signed up for' - cos we all know how well it goes down on MN when a SM gets involved in things like organising birthday parties!

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 08:02:35

In SM's defence, she isn't a horrible person, other than her non-relationship with DN and her spending habits she is quite a nice person.
She is one of those people that had never known any children, doesn't like children, doesnt know how to act or talk to children, doesn't want any children, and just finds then extremely hard work.

Eebahgum Sat 09-Feb-13 08:05:06

So, op, have you made a decision? Are you going to say she can come or not? (Personally, I agree with all the people who can't see what the problem is). X

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 08:12:06

Well I still feel that it is rude, and my instinct is to say no... But since the consensus seem to think that would be UR i will say that she can come.

I'm going to send a text to SIL in a little while that shows that I'm not 100% happy about it but am willing to let her bring her friend.
Something such as 'I suppose that would be ok'

lljkk Sat 09-Feb-13 08:26:29


Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 08:33:54

I think letting her come is the right choice.
It was obviously a date clash and the choice means SIL mising the party or leaving a house guest alone. Maybe they just thought it was the more sociable /polite option?

I don't think SIL is rude to assume it would be ok. Lots of people would think turning up is not a problem. I would ask and check but I wouldn't think too badly of someone who assumed it would be a non issue.

Hope the party goes well.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 08:42:36

I have spoken to DBRO (SIL's DP) and he has said that SIL bumped into the woman last night and the woman asked her if she wanted to go for lunch today, and SIL said I can't I'm going to a party, but you can come with me if you want.
Or something along those lines.

The woman is not staying with them, and nothing was pre arranged (so no date clash)
DBRO said he had never met the woman before last night but she seemed nice, although he isn't quite sure why SIL needs to see her today and can't do it another time.

Panzee Sat 09-Feb-13 08:44:41

Wow, way to make them feel welcome. Either say 'yes of course' or 'no, that won't be suitable'. 'I suppose so' is very teenagery.

kim147 Sat 09-Feb-13 08:46:03

Maybe your DSIL hates parties and wants some friendly company she can talk to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 09-Feb-13 08:46:38

I was always taught that if you invite people then that includes any guests of that household.

So you should of course extend the invitation to your sister's friend. There is nothing weird and cheeky about it at all.

Completely off topic but my only point arising from this thread is that you are faciliatating your dbro in allowing his wife to treat your dn as if she doesn't exist.
What will dn take away from this as an adult? Her dad and his wife go off to london for half the week and she stays with her aunt? More problems in this set up than some random pitching up to her party.

Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 08:47:27

Then definately let her come.

I would be really curious to meet the kind of woman who says

' no? You can't make lunch? But the birthday party of a child I don't know at a play centre with no other adults of my acquaintance sounds like my kind of do. I'll be there. What should I wear?"

There can't be many of those. I would want to meet her. And have some kind of 'SIL stories which actually don't make much sense' award.
It's all very exciting.

redskyatnight Sat 09-Feb-13 09:00:44

I'm suspecting that SIL is not overjoyed at the thought of spending her afternoon with hundreds (it will feel like it) of screaming children. And has invited a friend so that she has someone to talk to?

(had DD's party as similar soft play recently, I found it tedious enough and that was my own child)

ThingummyBob Sat 09-Feb-13 09:02:25

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Jemma1111 Sat 09-Feb-13 09:06:49

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sooperdooper Sat 09-Feb-13 09:09:31

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Joiningthegang Sat 09-Feb-13 09:10:29

What folkgirl said

sooperdooper Sat 09-Feb-13 09:11:06

I think you're completely and utterly over thinking this, I wouldn't have given it a second thought

Id hate to see how you deal with a real issue!

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 09-Feb-13 09:15:17

Where is this party being held? Royston Vaizey? because if this is how you treat well meaning acquaintances I hate to think how a complete stranger at the venue would be treated. Flaming pitchforks on the birthday cake instead of candles?

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 09:15:23

I have never taken a stranger as my guest to a children's birthday party.

SIL works with children, she adores DS and DN, I can't see her looking at it as needing a distraction from the hideous children's party. But I could see her saying it without even thinking that it would be an issue.

It is not that I have a problem with other people coming, it is just that she asked so last minute and it is someone we all don't know.
If she had been a house guest, or one of SILs closer friends then I could understand it and it wouldn't be an issue at all.

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Feb-13 09:21:45

Well, I think it's an odd thing for SiL to do! If she didn't want to have to deal with the children there will be other adults at the party to talk to.

How many of you honestly invite random work colleagues to a family party?? How many of you, if invited to someone else's family (who you didn't know) children's party, would actually want to go??

Especially when the original suggestion was just to meet up for lunch?


Jemma1111 Sat 09-Feb-13 09:22:46

Is this all you have to worry about ?.

That was a genuine question .

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 09-Feb-13 09:23:38

Since when did BEING FRIENDLY and HOSPITABLE become equated with being 'weird'? This thread is so bloody depressing. Gd forbid your children grow up to be the 'stranger' who nobody wants invited.

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 09:34:10

That is EXACTLY it Nanny (I am terrible with explaining things well but you have perfectly described it).

The point I was making (and why I find it weird) is who thinks 'I fancy spending my Saturday afternoon at the party of a child I don't know, with a family I don't know as the guest of a work collegue that I don't really know that well and don't socialise with outside of work.'

ApocalypseThen Sat 09-Feb-13 09:50:17

OP, I think you're right. I'm just horrified by the sheer hide of your sister in law. It's like she thought this was some kind of informal family thing that she would be welcome at, whereas it's only through the grace of god and convention that you could suffer such a classless ingrate at one of your events. And now you're expected to tolerate her guests too? Are you not doing enough? Where will this end? Slices of cake eaten, their witchy, cronish voices above the sweet melody of invited guests singing happy birthday?

I say cut the utter bitch out. Send her a withering refusal and blank her in the street. It's not like she's even in your family. She only married in so who does she even think she is? Back in her box.

MsVestibule Sat 09-Feb-13 09:54:53

I find it strange that this woman invited your SIL for lunch, but somehow appears to have been invited to a child's birthday party. I guess the conversation went something like this:
Stranger: "Hello Eternal's SIL, shall we do lunch tomorrow?"
SIL: "Sorry, we're going to DN's birthday party, but why don't you come with us?"
Stranger: "Er, OK.". Whilst secretly thinking "Shit, why did I agree to this? I wanted a nice lunch, not have jelly and ice-cream thrown at me".

But what I find even stranger is that you've given this any more than a nano second's thought. It doesn't impact you at all; you don't have to feed her, give her a party bag or even talk to her.

Nanny0gg Sat 09-Feb-13 10:03:53

Maybe it is all she has to worry about, maybe it isn't. Does it matter?
But this thread has generated 97 posts. Therefore helping to keep AIBU going.

Was your question U? IMO, yes.

But I also quite like MsVestibule's take on it too.

Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 10:10:32

And, shockingly, many of us can worry about more than one thing at a time

I am able to fret about famine in the third world and the extraordinary orange tint of Peter Andre at almost the same time.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 10:18:13

Apocalypse made me laugh

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 10:24:04


"she only married in"

wow! some of the best relatives I have "married in" and we keep in touch with all but one of my uncle's ex-wives still calling them aunty.

is there really a hierarchy of family members that puts in-laws at the bottom of the pile?!

they're people lovely enough that a member of your family chose to spend the rest of your life with them! why wouldn't they be worth caring about?

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 10:25:54

sorry apocalypsethen I just reread your post and spotted the heavy layers of sarcasm. my only defense was that I have just woken up from a rare lie-on and my humour-filter wasn't on yet!

Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 10:29:25

Hahahahaha at Hellesbelles oops.

Yes I read the first bit with my jaw on the floor until I got to 'classless ingrate'


StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 12:07:43

Pagwatch MEGA grin at your (in all seriousness quite accurate point vis most of us probably having a few issues ongoing simultaneously) GENIUS e.g. of it - 'Peter Andre's orange tint' - PMSLgrin.

To be honest (and I am a rude and apparently also a inhumane bitch) I would just say:

"Sorry, not keen on you having strangers tagging along to the party, If you rather spend time with this friend, Iam sure DN would not mind too much ..."

Your Sils behaviour is thoughtless and frankly bizarre!

TheFallenNinja Sat 09-Feb-13 12:25:15

Unless you believe that she is bringing a murderer then I wouldn't see why not.

Unless, of course, your keen to vet the type of person at this exclusive, staffed event.

Many hands make light work and saying no to a reasonable request (and she did ask) will frankly make you seem petty. If I was told no I'd have to be given an absolutely watertight, compelling reason not to just turn up anyway.

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 13:35:40

Oi - anyone who has done so, can you please lay off OP?
<AIBU intervention at what look like personal digs and - kinda unness? - 'judgyness'? And seen on other AIBU Q's too, hence actually now standing up to it, as just feels so wrongsad>

In spite of some utter gems here (see Pagwatch utter diamond of a gem abovegrin) & some other laugh out loud moments (like the joy that is Startail suddenly realising on 3rd post that this was how she met DHsmile), is now some stuff on here that is really quite horrible to/about Eternal IMVHOsad, and genuinely think it (in more general sense) is damaging to the help of AIBU, and MN in general? (And nope, don't know Eternal, but some stuff written seems so personally horrible & uncalled for?)

1 - Given she posted on AIBU, by definition seems kinda clear she was wanting to double check her own instinctive reaction and ask for views? AND has written that since majority of posts were YABU, she's sort of going to park her own first (& valid, as all of anyone's views/gut reactions are) reaction. So asked a question, was open to answers diff to her POV, took majority view on board. All kinda commendable nope?

2 - But in process (de facto upthread from this), she has also been personally slated? WHY? I don't get it/need for it, and it just seems really mean? EG: 'You sound like a right misery tbh.

3 - Worse (IMHO anyway), her helping her DN overall (I.E. NOT vis the specific Q she genuinely seemed to want AIBU views on) and broader family circs have been dissed to point where she was told she was 'enabling' her DB and DN's SM by helping DN (vis where lived/continuity of schooling/providing her with stability)...And that the way DN lived now would be damaging to her? Eh?? WTF??? And this was actually AFTER she had already written that the way they were operating now wasn't the first course of action but only AFTER it became obvious that DN was suffering in variety of ways - I.E. the opposite of 'enabling' (which is what it may have been if she had leapt into it as first course of action). But it wasn't. It was what she - obv with DB's approval and presumably as what DN herself then wanted - did as a seemingly caring Aunt worried for, and wanting to help, DN?

How is that bad? And who are we - by definition as ALWAYS on pretty much every Q-specific thread - to presume we 'know' rest of circs that may be at play? Think people sometimes a bit too quick to judge a situation they can't really know EVERYTHING about, and/or maybe shoot from hip in the moment? [I have def done the latter - albeit not on AIBU - but then apologised when realised I was OOO, so am not making out I am Saint MN heregrin, rather just want really flag what MNHQ say re this isn't a personal bunfight here?]. Ditto that when DO write seemingly unness personal character 'points', we can have NO idea what else that individual may already be dealing with and maybe no idea how much a casually written & pretty unness insult may impact someone?

All I DO know from what Eternal has written is this simple... She asked a genuine Q on AIBU canvassing views (that has taken on board?); that she seems to be providing her DN with stability that she didn't have previously? That that is an act of love & care (& probably bloody hard work too given all it takes to take care of a child day to day)?

So, really genuinely, please don't anyone call her (or anyone who posts on AIBU) names or label her, and/or (pretty harshly) criticise her (or ANYONE who is just asking one pretty specific Q?) for broader circs. when: i) sounds like she is a great Aunt to her DN?; ii) all she did was ask one simple & very specific Q, yet then got a bit laid into for her/DN's personal circs? iii) NONE of us can EVER know all of anyone else's landscape or anything else they may be dealing with, so it really does feel just a bit nasty... and it's the kind of 'nasty' that might well stop someone else who wants/needs advice asking in AIBU as - pretty reasonably - don't want to get flamed/attacked/be on butt end of personal insults in any way, and if THAT (I.E. peeps shying away where maybe want help/input/views) happens, then the huge value of MN/AIBU is lostsad.

Eternal - I hope DN's party goes well and I think she is a lucky bunny to have you.

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 09-Feb-13 13:46:38


StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 14:26:15

Had to google that to decipher it Mardy - Urban dictionary:

Literally, "Too long; didn't read" Said whenever a nerd makes a post that is too long to bother reading.

Not a nerd; shame you can't be bothered to read but that's obv your call; no reason diss me for it though? Kinda proves the point I was makingsad.

crashdoll Sat 09-Feb-13 14:48:29

YABU and sound really mean. sad

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 16:52:51

Stocic Thank you for that. smile

I spoke to SIL before the party, I explained how I thought it was strange for the friend to want to come, but if she wanted she was welcome to being her friend.

So the friend came. And fifteen minutes after arriving she went to get a coffee from the cafe and never came back.

The party was fab, DN and all of the children had a wonderful time.

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:20:30

lol re sil-pal ditching the party she was so eager to attend. glad all had fun.

FWIW - I find aibu very bitchy (sorry to use a gender-specific word but no other term would sum it up) and not an area of the site I would start a thread on because of the responses I've seen.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:02

Hahaha at her just fucking off after 15 mins grin

Glad they all had a great time though, agree with Stoic that she's lucky to have you as her aunty.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 06:14:49

all that brouhahah for 15 minutess?

meh! I was hoping she was gonna do something totally inappropriate like start swigging gin and shaking her booty!

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 08:13:51

My thoughts on reading through, including the update is that SIL was concerned about the number of adult family members there and she wanted a 'back up'; once she felt comfortable then she allowed her friend to disappear.

Op; is there a back story? Has she not been made to feel welcome into the family? Have you made your feelings e.g. your post stating about her spending habits clear to her?

BigAudioDynamite Sun 10-Feb-13 08:44:53

Im worried about the effect of having such a shit step mum, will have. Why does dbro think this us acceptable?

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 09:12:57

MardyArsed I am keeping some very odd/long hours at the mo so kinda beyond exhausted tired & hadn't seen your upthread post prior to your 'tl:dr' directly to me; only just seen it now as wanted check how Eternal DN's party went. You wrote:

Since when did BEING FRIENDLY and HOSPITABLE become equated with being 'weird'? This thread is so bloody depressing. Gd forbid your children grow up to be the 'stranger' who nobody wants invited.'

Am presuming you mean 'being friendly' in an observational sense as opposed to your personal MO? Since it really is kinda hard to reconcile those as your own personal qualities given your comment to me. I am firmly (but sadly) with HellesBelles as - to put it bluntly - if you don't have anything nice &/or constructive to say to OP or anyone else (i.e. me in above), then why bother writing anything? Reminds me of adage that 'if don't have anything nice (or in AIBU terms, constructive/helpful) to say, then say nothing'. And God forbid your children grow up thinking it's fine to be rude/nasty/dissing etc. Agree with you 100% though re it's 'bloody depressing'.

And Eternal, you're welcome and glad all went well.

WeAreEternal Sun 10-Feb-13 09:31:28

I think you have got my posts mixed up cricketballs

SIL1 (DN's other aunty) bumped into a work colleague on Friday night, the colleague suggested lunch the next day but SIL said "I cant do lunch I have DN's birthday party, but you can come with me" she then text me assuming it would be okay. I was a bit put out as I didn't understand why she would want to invite a stranger to DN's party, but I wasn't sure if it was UR to say no so I posted in AIBU.
It he MN jury decided that I was BU to say no as the woman wasn't likely to be an axe murderer so I texted SIL and said it was ok to bring the friend.

SIL brought the friend to the party and she sat in a corner while we all helped, she obviously realised that she was just going to be sitting bored for the whole afternoon, but instead of making excuses she said she was going to the cafe to get a coffee and just left. But SIL didn't seem too bothered as I don't think she even noticed as she was playing air hocky with my sister for most of the party.

SIL2 is DN's fathers wife, she is the one who doesn't want to parent DN and spends his money like it is going out of fashion. (which is why he need to well paying job that keeps him in the city 2-3 days a week)

"the update is that SIL was concerned about the number of adult family members there and she wanted a 'back up'; once she felt comfortable then she allowed her friend to disappear."

I never said this, and this is completely wrong.

We all get alone with both SIL's perfectly well, especially SIL1, I consider her a sister and we are friends.
SIL2 has a lot of personal demons that attribute to the way she behaves. I don't like or agee with some of the things she does, but she isn't a bad person, and otherwise we get alone with her fine.

BigAudioDynamite Sun 10-Feb-13 10:12:43

She may nor be a 'bad person' bur she will destroy your nieces self esteem. especially if your brother has more children with her...are they planning on having kids?

I don't understand why your bro would marry a woman who doesn't interact with his dd confused

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 10:34:55

Apologies op - it does look like I got the SILs mixed up, but why would you automatically think that the back up is wrong? Just because you never said it, doesn't mean its not true

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:21

'why would you automatically think that the back up is wrong? Just because you never said it, doesn't mean its not true' hmm???

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 11:03:40

Cricket - apart from my bafflement at above, separately I gotta say you are the first person seen on AIBU who has said 'apologies' post (no pun intended...) getting confused/saying something that was mistaken etc. I do just find it really beyond fucking depressing sad that you ARE the only person I've ever seen do itsad.

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 11:25:46

Thank I think stoic, but why the bafflement at my suggestion that the friend was a back up just because the op never said it?

Whenever I have taken a back up (in my younger years when meeting someone for a first date grin) I never told the person I was meeting that friend was a backup

Doshusallie Sun 10-Feb-13 11:31:31

I think it's rude that she didn't mention it before but I would be fine with that person coming. You won,t even notice her with that lot!

WeAreEternal Sun 10-Feb-13 18:10:55

They are not having children, she is planing on being sterilised soon.
He married her against the advice of most because he loved her.
She is not a bad person, she just has some personal issues.
She did attempt to parent DN but she couldn't cope and ended up having a breakdown.
Since the breakdown she has been receiving counciling for her issues and she has been visibly improving.
We hope that one day she will be able to help rase DN, but at the moment things are the way that is best for DN.

I don't understand what I have said that makes you think SIL would need a 'back up' at DN's party.
A back up on a first date make sense. This was however a children's party.
We have at least one family event a month and SIL has never needed a 'back up' before.
We are a close family, I have though of SIL as a sister and a friend for 9 years. She is very involved in family events and when she realised the woman had left she was genuinely bemused.

Also surely of she was planing to bring a 'back up' she would have chosen a friend not a virtual stranger who she only knows from occasionally working with.

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