To expect my future sister in law not to announce her sudden engagement/wedding plans, less than 2 weeks after me and DP announce our last minute wedding (in May this year!)

(82 Posts)
MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 21:44:18

Basically me and my DP have been together for 10 years, we have 2 children together and we have finally decided to get married in summer of this year. DP's sister has been with her partner for just over the same amount of time, they also have children and have always said they would never get married/shown little interest. Two weeks ago we announced our wedding plans and all of a sudden it is plastered all over facebook (we rang everybody up to let them know personally) that they are also getting wed (in approx. 2 years time so a while off yet) and are soooo excited blah bah. Every status update since yesterday has been about their 'imminent wedding' am I being unreasonable to think it is a huuuge coincidence? Not sure if I'm reading too much into it and need some perspective.

gordyslovesheep Fri 08-Feb-13 21:45:32

you sound a tad bridezilla - they are not having a wedding in the same month or even the same year - let it go

sherazade Fri 08-Feb-13 21:46:22

how does it affect or detract from your excitement or joy in anyway? are you worried she will steal your limelight?

sixlostmonkeys Fri 08-Feb-13 21:47:03

just don't look at facebook.

enjoy your wedding day smile

Hissy Fri 08-Feb-13 21:47:04

It's 2 years away, it's only a wedding, honestly, don't sweat it.

How about a joint party to celebrate engagements?

sherazade Fri 08-Feb-13 21:47:28

and YABVU to 'expect your sis in law not to announce her plans' within your specified 2 week time frame.

millie30 Fri 08-Feb-13 21:47:33

Maybe you inspired them, you should be flattered.

YABU. Congratulate them then concentrate on your wedding plans. smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 08-Feb-13 21:48:28

If the weddings don't clash then why is it a problem? Quite honestly, I can't see what the fuss about weddings really is when there's such a long time since you got together and you've already got the children together. Yes, you're entitled to feel thrilled about it all but don't expect everybody else to be as excited about it as you. Sad fact of life.

Make your plans and enjoy your day. Let FSIL do the same. smile

MsVestibule Fri 08-Feb-13 21:50:06

Maybe it's coincidence, maybe they've just realised it's what they want to do, maybe it's been in the back of their minds for a while and your announcement has given them the push to actually do it.

Does it matter? If they'd said they were getting married two weeks before you at the same venue, then you'd have good reason to be pissed off with them. But TBH, both wedding announcements will be old news for everybody else but themselves in a couple of weeks.

apostropheuse Fri 08-Feb-13 21:50:18


Their wedding is planned for two years after yours.

JaquelineHyde Fri 08-Feb-13 21:50:47

When exactly would it have been ok by you for them to announce their engagement?

AgentZigzag Fri 08-Feb-13 21:51:15

I can understand how fucking annoying it is and it looks like they'll take some of the shine off your wedding by drawing it on to themselves, but maybe it was just the kick they needed and they realised they would like to do it too?

They could have waited though.

But I detecting a bit of angst between you and your future SIL? grin

stifnstav Fri 08-Feb-13 21:51:16

How very dare she. Would it have been more acceptable if she'd waited, what, a month, two, three to announce their news? Surely then she'd be closer to your wedding day and obviously out to wreck your lives, the toxic bitch!

Should she keep their news a secret till June? Get a grip.

IceNoSlice Fri 08-Feb-13 21:52:24

YABU to let this bother you. Let it go. Weddings are supposed to be fun, enjoy the fact there are two parties in the pipeline! And going to weddings once you have had yours is ace. DH always holds my hand during the service and we both think back to our day and the promises we made. Tis luffly smile

So what, are they not ever allowed to get married now because you are?

Doory but you are being unreasonable and weird!

MerylStrop Fri 08-Feb-13 21:52:45


People don't get married to rain on other people's parades.

It has no impact on you or your plans.

Be happy for them.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 21:53:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum47 Fri 08-Feb-13 21:54:51

A similar thing happened to us, just after we got engaged a close work colleague, whom i had become good friends and socialised with, announced her engagement out of the blue. She then booked her wedding date for a month before ours. It didn't bother me too much but they had much more money than us and were really flashing the cash around whereas we were on a tight budget. So I get where you are coming from, but don't let it bother you and focus on your own day - our wedding day was fab and much better than my friend's in the end. Also, they are now separated, whereas I have been very happily married for 15 years! (karmasmile)

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:03:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule Fri 08-Feb-13 22:03:27

You sound lovely, mum47 hmm. Schadenfreude at it's best/worst.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 08-Feb-13 22:04:06

Yabu, I think, unless there's some big back story. Maybe it was coincidence and they've waited an extra 2 weeks to tell everyone? So you could have your moments. They choose to FB it a lot, the way they communicate such things is personal choice.

My SIL became pregnant at the same time as me. We announced my pregnancy to family, then 2 weeks later she told me about hers, then they told everyone. My previous pregnancy hadn't ended well and she said she didn't want to take anything away from. It's not the kind of thing that would have bothered me in the least. I'd have thought it funny if we'd told everyone within days, or they said "us too" the same day. Still, I appreciate the consideration and sweetness of the thought.

larks35 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:06:54

YABU, maybe you should take it as a compliment that your wedding plans have inspired hers! If she had decided to get wed the same day as you I could understand your problem but she hasn't, so I really don't see what your problem is confused

nkf Fri 08-Feb-13 22:08:17

Mum47's post is really odd. What do you mean? It sounds as if you think there is some connection between what they did to you (did they actually do anything to you?) and getting separated.

TWinklyLittleStar Fri 08-Feb-13 22:08:18

I got engaged 6 months after my DSis and married within 8 weeks of her. We planned our weddings together and she was delighted I was happy rather than annoyed by it. Be happy for yourself and for your DP's brother and partner. It feels much nicer than being cross.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:09:43

I think because there have been similar patterns of blatant 'copying' behaviour in the past also adds to my reasons for getting tired of it all.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 08-Feb-13 22:11:05

Maybe she's persuaded her partner to marry her to get back at you for having differing views about being vegan?

MerylStrop Fri 08-Feb-13 22:12:22

But, really truly, no one is so deranged as to actually get married just to piss someone else off.

There might be a vague sense for them that they will have diverted some attention from your wedding, which is petty and irritating. But it will only work if you get bothered by it. Which you shouldn't because it makes absolutely no difference to you whatsoever.

Rise above

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:12:57

i.e my DP has just completed a PhD in physics...her DP is applying to do a PhD in guess which subject?? I do sound like I'm being v petulant but it is a culmination of a lot of separate events that have made me wonder and I realise it sounds like I'm being a total cow.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 08-Feb-13 22:15:32

If you suspect such things, then I think ignoring is the only way to go. Get on with your own plans. Smile and nod at hers in social situations.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:15:41

Wise words MerylStrop

nkf Fri 08-Feb-13 22:15:53

If she's copying you, it's probably because she admires you.

Booyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 22:18:53

oh i fucking hate this ridiculous childish competiveness over weddings. it is so bloody unnecessary and serves only to rile all parties involved about what should be a time of celebration. just get over yourself. your wedding is not the only wedding to ever exist or matter, you are not the only bride. your wedding will come and go and people wiil forget all about when it was announced in relation to sil's long before you have stopped seething about it. seriously, it isn't worth winding yourself up about. relax, plan your wedding and enjoy the whole thing from start to finish. resentment only hurts you.

specialsubject Fri 08-Feb-13 22:21:41

wow. The OP can't be 12 years old, but it does sound like a playground problem!

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 08-Feb-13 22:22:15

You must be having a wine induced joke smile

She's getting married because you are. Now the partner is embarking on the same phd as your partner to spite you. Yes, I would take up a phd in physics to get back at a sibling of my husband.

HyvaPaiva Fri 08-Feb-13 22:25:44

Also, they are now separated, whereas I have been very happily married for 15 years! (karma smile )

Mum47, a smug smiley face because someone's marriage broke down? That's really horrible of you.

larks35 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:27:17

I'm sorry but surely no-one decides to undergo a minimum of 3 years of research on very little pay just to piss of their SIL/BIL! If they do, then I hugely doubt they'll achieve the docrate.

Seriously, I do think you "over-think" the decisions your SIL and her DP make. The two you mention - marraige and a PhD - are really quite major life decisions. Do you really think they are doing it just to copy you and your DP?

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:28:22

Booyhoo I totally understand where your coming from. I read so many threads like this where I feel like the OP is being out of order and displaying serious bridezilla behaviour. I think the reason I am a bit 'put out' is because it's like the final nail in the coffin. There are so many other things where DP and I have both given them the benefit of the doubt and thought that we were stupid for even thinking they would 'copy' us. This has confirmed to us that there are some obvious underlying issues. Everyone who has contributed is right though, in so much as I do need to ignore it and get on with being happy for them. Bitterness just eats you up inside!

Bogeyface Fri 08-Feb-13 22:37:12

Sounds too much of a coincidence to me. And sorry larks but some people really do do things like get married, emigrate or take on huge commitments just to prove some ridiculous point. It has happened in my family where one cousin has announced their engagement only for another cousin to do the same and then start a "battle of the brides" just so they can win!

Its pathetic, but it does happen.

OP I think I would do a niceness attack! Send them a congratulations card, wish them well and go OTT on the loveliness! You cant hate someone who is out and out wonderful to you, well you can, but cant show it and that will drive her NUTS grin

mum47 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:41:08

Oh god Hyvam, you are right. It was not meant to sound like that and I take it back totally, really sorry, I would never intentionally make light of someone else's circumstances.

Yabu. I am sorry, but there is hardly much excitement about a wedding that takes place after having two kids and being together for a decade. This type of insane excitement is in my opinion young newfound love territory. Why be excited about a couple that has been living together for a long time and have kids?
I get it, that it is great for you, but honestly? It really is no big deal. 8 years ago, it would have been a big deal.

Booyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 22:45:26

" Bitterness just eats you up inside! "

it really does, dont do that to yourself, dont taint your memories of your wedding or the lovely build up to it.

IceNoSlice Fri 08-Feb-13 22:47:10

I don't agree PureQuintessence. If a couple has been together a decade and has 2 kids want to get married, I would say there is a lot to celebrate.

Congratulations OP. Enjoy planning your big day.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:47:43

Forgot to add that as soon as we announced our plans I changed my fb name to e.g. 'Firstname Surname NEARLY Dp's surname' as our wedding is only 15 weeks away. She has followed the exact same format and was how we found out they were officially engaged because I noticed her name change. Yet they are planning their wedding in 2 years??

Of course it is something to celebrate, but not something to whip up a Facebook storm about.

MsVestibule Fri 08-Feb-13 22:53:36

PureQuintessence Most people's weddings aren't very exciting for other people, regardless of the time they've been together. MY DH and I got married after 4 years and 2 children, and I promise you, it was every bit as meaningful for us as it is for people who have been together a shorter time or don't have DCs.

No way it was a mere formality.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 22:54:18

PureQuintessence...Our wedding is more than that to us. We are celebrating the end of our studies aswell. I went to uni and trained as a primary teacher after our first child was born (we were only 20 when we became parents) and DP has been an eternal Physics student for 10 years. He has just handed his thesis in and now applying for his dream job. This involves us moving away from all of our family so that's why we have planned it this way. Our wedding is like a big party to us and we have been saving up for a long time so perhaps that's why it feels like such a big deal.

Bluestocking Fri 08-Feb-13 22:54:27

Jeez, those vegan physicists are the pits. I live next door to a houseful of them and I swear they copy every move I make. I put out the bins the evening before bin day - five minutes later, there they are, trundling their wheelie bin around as if they'd just thought of it themselves.

chandellina Fri 08-Feb-13 22:55:05

I'm with purequintessence, if it's 10 years in I just don't appreciate the drama. Who cares if someone else in the family also wants to get married? Be happy, not childish.

noblegiraffe Fri 08-Feb-13 22:56:17

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, take it as a compliment.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Fri 08-Feb-13 22:57:42

Supposing you're right OP and this is all some kind of loony copying/revenge thing - you can't change their behaviour but you can change the way you respond to it.

Your posts at the start sound as if this situation has been pissing you off for some time. You need to not let it. And then it doesn't matter how they behave as it won't be affecting you.

Instead of getting cross, try making a joke of it and laughing at it [snap! or me and my shadow] or taking it as flattery.

To be honest, completing your degrees is one helluva achievement, and that I can more understand going bonkers about, and celebrating!

Coconutty Fri 08-Feb-13 23:03:34

Your wedding day is obviously a big deal to you, quite rightly but it won't be to many others after a decade and two kids.

Have you considered that they haven't even given your wedding a thought and are just getting on with their own lives?

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 23:04:15

I've come to my senses..I need to get over it! Thank you everyone for your sound advice.

Bogeyface Fri 08-Feb-13 23:07:57

What a downer to put on someones wedding Pure

IT doesnt matter if they have been together 10 years or 10 months, getting married is still a huge life event even if the wedding itself isnt a large do.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 23:09:37

Coconutty, you're wrong there. My side of the family and close friends are very pleased for us as they see it as a celebration of a hard 10 years of studying and coming through the other side if that makes sense? In some ways we feel it is more than just a 'wedding' but a thanks to those who have supported us and a time to celebrate the start of a new life. It is their day too! It probably sounds cheesy but it's true. We have had a lot of jealousy from DP's family (DP is not close to them) over the years so in a way SIL's behaviour is not unusual.

Coconutty Fri 08-Feb-13 23:12:23

Ah fuck it then, don't invite them and delete them from your Facebook. Not worth getting upset over if they've got previous.

Yes, but lets be honest and not beat around any old bush. It really is no big deal to most people, and start a Facebook campaign, and make name points, and counting down weeks, is just a tad overdoing it.

Counting down to big degree celebration, that I can understand.

But not going bananas over getting married when you have been together a decade, live together and have kids.

Why should all brides to be get to live in cloud coo-coo land that their wedding is the be end and whistles ball for all?

JockTamsonsBairns Fri 08-Feb-13 23:13:33

grin at bluestocking

MiniEggsinJanuary Fri 08-Feb-13 23:13:35

Definitely annoying OP! When DH and I announced our engagement and wedding date, SIL decided to begin a relationship, conceive and get engaged with a proposed wedding date all within four weeks! Dhe even tried to book the same venue as us for two werks before our date! Turns out she made the baby bit up and the venue was booked for her date. I was spitting feathers and had a total bridezilla moment but they broke up a few weeks afterwards and it was all for nothing. Long and short of it - I feel your pain!

If they have form, dont let anything spoil it for you. Have your celebration and invite who you want, close friends and family you get on with.

Booyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 23:14:39

actually i think getting married after 10 years is a big celebration. just like celebrating all the hard work you put into a PHD at the end of all the work, getting married after a long time together is like celebrating all you have been through including the hard work involved in being young parents and getting through any bad times (we all have those right?) together. maybe that's how weddings should be, a celebration of all you have done together after 5/10/15 years rather than a commitment to be together forever after 1/2/3 years together.

Booyhoo Fri 08-Feb-13 23:16:19

oops. xposting with OP! blush

AgentZigzag Fri 08-Feb-13 23:17:26

It's the length of time both couples have been together that you can't get away from.

After all this time, when they could have done it at any point, they decide to choose a very similar time with a couple who've also been together 10 years odd.

Is that a coincidence, or is it a 'coincidence'.

I'm going for the latter.

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 23:22:35

It probably isn't for a be all and end all for Dp's family PureQuintessence and that's the problem I'm getting at, hence all the bitchiness from their side. But seeing as it's DP who has more to celebrate i.e. 10 years of studying and a PhD at the end of it I would expect more enthusiasm and not just a blatant snub 'by the way we're getting married too.' In a way, I'm more mad for DP as my family are over the moon. I'm really not a horrible person although it would appear so!

MadameFlutterby Fri 08-Feb-13 23:27:58

AgentZigZag...that's the point we can't get away from! They have been so anti-marriage for so long, it just seems so out of character

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 00:10:52

It's alright to act out of character, and they might have just got into the routine of saying 'we're not fussed about getting married' to fend off questions from persistent family members.

But it's almost as though you've worked yourself up knowing people'll be excited when they hear, and when you've told future SIL/general people, they're answering 'Oh yes, we heard, but what about XXXX and XXXX also getting married??' before a conversation about them tying the knot, when you wanted to talk about what yours meant to you.

It's not bridezilla behaviour to be upset with that, especially as it mostly on behalf your DPs feelings.

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 00:10:56

Thanks to all those who have helped me put some perspective on this

Bogeyface Sat 09-Feb-13 00:58:23

Pure for a start, getting married after 10 years and 2 kids is a huge big deal these days, most marriages dont make it that long anymore! If a couple are still so in love and happy that they want to make a public commitment of marriage after ten years, young parenthood, financial difficulties and their studies then that is a huge big deal. I would rather go to that wedding than the wedding of 30 something A & B who have been together 3 years and havent seen a bad day in those years. I know who I would be putting my money on to be having a Golden Wedding anniversary!

And the OP didnt make a FB campaign out of it, she merely used it in a light hearted way to say "I am almost married to the love my life!". The SIL2B started the FB campaign and the OP hasnt responded which I think shows that she has far more dignity and self awareness.

DoJo Sat 09-Feb-13 03:02:32

It sounds as though you've started to make your peace with the situation, but one thing which has struck me is that you seem to be laying the blame squarely at your SIL's door, when her husband-to-be is the one who's actually related to your DP and is presumably just as much involved in this oneupmanship if you really think that his choice of phd is another part of it.
As another thought which struck me reading this - do you know her family? Is it possible that she is trying to live up to a standard you have set because she is coming under pressure to do the things they hear you and HP are doing? You are lucky to have a loving and supportive family, but not everyone is so maybe she is caving under pressure rather than trying to elbow in to your joy.

Going against the grain here but YANBU, esp about her going on about it two years in advance. My SIL did the same. Only she got married four weeks before us. ILs kept on asking why we had decided to get married so soon after SIL.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 09-Feb-13 07:12:37

Haha, you think thats bad, my sister deliberarely booked her wedding for the day before my other sister was due to give birth! Wouldnt change date, wouldnt wait, insisted that was the day. Didnt realise that babies will trump a wedding every time so curtailed the excitement fairly rapidly of (if you can call it that) her big day as it was all forgotten the minute the baby appeared. Ridiculous.

nefertarii Sat 09-Feb-13 07:17:36

op any more information you want to drip feed before I comment?

HappySeven Sat 09-Feb-13 07:20:46

Has it occurred to you she may have been anti-marriage to try and stop people asking 'so when are you getting engaged?' It can be pretty irritating when you've been a couple for a while and it seems that everyone is asking. I did a similar thing about having children as I found the way people pried really annoying.

Now her partner's proposed she's thrilled and rightly so.

And no one would do a PhD in physics as some sort of revenge.

mum47 Sat 09-Feb-13 08:42:09

manchestermummy, that is kind of what I was trying to say further up, albeit in a fairly crass and clumsy way, I felt a bit like that too - but I would say only for a short while - once you get into making the arrangements there is not time to think of anything else!

Cortana Sat 09-Feb-13 09:47:47

Glad you've found some perspective. smile

Could this maybe be used as a way to build bridges between you and SIL? Common ground perhaps?

TheBigJessie Sat 09-Feb-13 09:52:00

Well, after reading through the drips...

I don't believe anyone starts a Physics doctorate solely to one-up his fiancée's brother. The fact that you've decided that this is the case leads me to believe that you see competition in everything they do!

Maybe your sister-in-law has simply happened to meet someone with a strong interest in Physics, as her brother has? I suppose that maybe your Groom-to-be inspired him to follow his own dreams, but what's so bad about that?

yellowsheep Sat 09-Feb-13 12:29:32

My mil decided to get married after we had annouced our wedding... It was 3 months after ours and she used the same bridesmaid dresses table decorations and even pinched my wedding shoes she kept ssting that they did everything on the cheap....... That's because we paid for everything she even had the half opened bottles of alcohol and leftover plates glasses etc. My parents didn't like to say no at the wedding day after me and dh had left the party she pretty much stripped the hall anf loaded it into her car

IceNoSlice Sat 09-Feb-13 12:48:16

Really yellowsheep? That's amazing! A real spin on the typical MIL/bride post, love it. Did she even ask you to wear one of your own bridesmaid dresses?

yellowsheep Sun 10-Feb-13 10:06:06

nope i didnt get that opertunity ;) i think she may have 'chosen ' her bridesmaids to fit the dresses we had (grown ups) but had my neices and nephews in the same role wearing excatley the same thing.. wearing my shoes!!!

Dh gave my shoes away after almost a decade it still bothers me

saffronwblue Sun 10-Feb-13 10:13:08

Half opened bottles of alcohol saved for a later wedding? Undertaking a physics PhD to copy someone else? This thread is insane!

OP try announcing that one of you is to have a nasty operation and see how long before they have the same affliction!

MadameFlutterby Sun 10-Feb-13 11:05:07

Not sure your opinion has really added anything constructive to the thread..obviously the PhD thing has not been copied to gain any kind of revenge. I'm not that precious! I think Dp definitely inspired him to follow his dreams and that's a good thing. It's the timing of their announcement of the wedding (and the ongoing face book campaign) which has made me and dp think it more than just coincidence.

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